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Problems with new BF and his ex

OldNotWIse

Looking for some advice.

I've been seeing a really great guy for a couple of months. We were acquaintances for a long time and then started seeing each other. Everything really feels so right with him, and we get along so well and largely share a lot of the same values, plans for the future etc.

He has an ex and two young teenage children that he still lives with. It would appear that he pretty much does everything for his ex - he works full time, pays the mortgage, bills, does all the washing, ironing, cooking, being there for the kids, minding them when she goes out etc. When we spend time together, it has to be organized well in advance so that it is actually feasible. Even though he has a great job, he is always broke because his ex appears to be a total leech.

I don't particularly care for someone who has a lot of money etc. but I do find it annoying when there are constant limitations put on our nights out because of him being broke - even though he clears twice my salary.

I'm somewhat torn as to how to deal with this. We get on so well and I really like him so I don't particularly want to come across as some unreasonable blow in who starts putting a gun to his head or dictating how he spends his time and money. I am also not privy to the dynamics of the relationship with his ex. In addition, at least he is a great dad and has stepped up to his responsibilities.

On the other hand, I think his relationship with his ex becomes my business when it starts to affect my life, and I have to effectively carve my plans out around hers. And thinking longer term, if we were to have a future, how could we even consider kids in his current living and financial situation?

Would appreciate some outside views please (and thank you)

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OldNotWIse

neonsofa wrote: »

<Snip> There really is no need to quote the entire post

Thanks for this - really useful insight. I wouldn't dream of calling her a leech (or anything derogatory) in front of him as I know that would just come across as a cheap dig. I've been very careful not be critical of her at all when we discussed it but rather "concerned with the situation". It's hard to be diplomatic but I have to be otherwise I will push him away. He said that he is not longer happy with the living situation and he wants to change it but he is afraid that if he stops doing stuff for the kids - that it won't get done. He literally does everything (on top of working full time) - spends an entire day at the weekend washing, drying, ironing, cleaning, cooking for the week etc.

OldNotWIse

tomwaterford wrote: »

<Snip> There really is no need to quote the entire post

You are right - legally separated for 4 of the last 5 years. Living in the same house (but as a separated couple) became recognized by the courts as reckonable time for the purposes of this during the recession because of the difficulties attached to running two houses.

His ex doesn't work at all. We meet one evening midweek for two hours and either a Friday or Saturday night for a few hours. She has as much, if not more, time out with her friends and people she might be seeing.

We've had the kid conversation and it is something we both want in a year or two.

Dial Hard

tomwaterford wrote: »

I do think you have to be legally separated for few years before you can divorce?

No requirement to be legally separated before you can divorce, you just have to have been apart for four out of five years.

Unfortunately, because the OP's boyfriend is still sharing finances, living expenses etc. with his ex, that clock hasn't started ticking yet.

OP, I can't help but feel that it's a little early for you to start sticking your oar in here. You've only been going out a few months. His living arrangements are far from ideal and I wouldn't be too happy with the situation myself, but you knew what the story was before you got involved with him, presumably. I suspect that if you push the issue now, you'll be the one to lose out.

woodchuck

It sounds like a very messy situation! I wouldn't be so quick to judge though. It's probably more difficult to get a divorce if you're still living together; you have to prove you've been separated for however many years... difficult to do if you're still living in the same house! And in terms of him moving out, if he's as broke as you say he is, then there's probably no way he could afford to rent somewhere else while still paying off the mortgage on the house. And on a more personal level, maybe he wants to stay there to be close to his kids.

As to whether or not the wife is a leech, that's not any of your business. Whatever financial arrangements they have is between the two of them and I wouldn't start sticking my nose in it unless you want to get it bitten off!!

As I said, it's a messy situation. Personally it would be too messy for me and your concerns are valid. But it's up to you whether or not you think the relationship is worth perusing.

neonsofa

Firstly, the living together would be a huge concern. It is a lot more understandable in the current economic climate and housing crisis but unfortunately the reason for it happening doesn't negate the fact that it can be problematic. Has he discussed his plans for full separation? Where he sleeps? What boundaries they have agreed upon? How much the children know/expect to happen? Is there a legal agreement? How much of a say does he have in what happens in the house or is she calling the shots? Is he hally doing all these things or is it expected of him? This is a discussion you need to have imo before you decide anything.

Does she know about You? Do the kids? Has she moved on? Are you planning to meet her? May seem trivial but I think these are things you need to ask.

Once that discussion is had and you if are happy with the situation, my best advice,above all, would be for you to be upfront about your concerns from the start. That doesn't mean ultimatums or demands but be honest about your feelings and needs. I spent too long biting my tongue in a very similar situation, in an effort to be reasonable and what it actually did was facilitate the behaviour and the status quo. You are right to not want your relationship to be affected by another woman. Yes he has a responsibility to his kids and there will be times where he has to prioritise family commitments but if it is HER demands as opposed to the kids' then there needs to be an honest discussion about that. Its very delicate because they are his kids and he will want to do right by them and sometimes it is hard for people to distinguish between where the kids' needs/wants ends and the ex partners wants/needs begins. And in previous experience there is sometimes a control element with ex partners. Not in all cases of course, but in some, and in my own, the power an ex has over the children/access/family court can absolutely influence how the other person behaves and gives in to demands. Hopefully that isnt the case with this guy as his kids are teens.

He may decide that you are wrong in your beliefs/concerns and if that is the case then imo I would suggest you seriously reconsider the relationship because it will then always be an issue between you if he doesn't view it as one. You will resent that he will not stop the behaviour and he will resent that you can't see his point of view. That's not to say either of you would be right or wrong-just an incompatible view on things and when families are involved that doesn't really work. It will always come across as a personal attack on him and his kids if arguments happen,if that makes sense. Cause it's his family. If he agrees with your concerns and acknowledges an issue then ye can work out together how to deal with it as a team but you do need to be a united team. Otherwise it's just you fighting the two of them. And that's not a relationship.

Definitely tread lightly and take the emotion out of it because it is a sensitive family issue and the last thing you want is to appear that you are trying to draw a wedge between any of them. Because that isn't what you want, your concerns are natural and valid. But if you go in too personal and make it about her then he won't see the actual issue at hand. He'll see it as an emotional attack on her. And again she's the mother of his kids. So maybe don't mention that you think she's a leech

If ye are on the same page that's half the battle. If he can't see an issue or is unwilling to address the issue then unfortunately it is a losing battle for you. Speaking from some painful experience on that one.

Also, go with your gut. It tells you a lot. If you ignore it you will kick yourself later.

tomwaterford

OldNotWIse wrote: »

<Snip> There really is no need to quote the entire post. It's just there ^

I do think you have to be legally separated for few years before you can divorce?

I'm guessing he's keeping living situation going to be close to the kids?

As for helping your situation I can't really provide much help,
Only it's his money to spend as he wants??
Do his ex work atal?? (She's obviously looks after kids when ye meet?)

...and 1 last thing.. if he has teenage kids,would he even want more kids??

OldNotWIse

Ann84 wrote: »

<Snip> There really is no need to quote the entire post

Being the bad guy is the last thing I want, and I do feel that I am being unreasonable at times. I've mentioned that I find their living situation odd - it's been like that for a couple of years. He hasn't dated since they separated so I suppose there has been no incentive to change. The fact that they are not divorced after 4/5 years is also a bit worrying.

Ann84

Hello, i think you should start to ask some questions and find out why they are still living together and seperated firstly - and secondly try to find out what his plan is in relation to separating households as I am sure he wasn’t intending on the current situation continuing indefinitely surely...
I would tread carefully as you say in relation to inputting your views just yet until you have a full understanding as to why their setup is as is given he has a good salary.

It’s complicated but he will need to be in control of separating that whole situation before committing to you, you don’t want to be the bad guy