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Tell someone you don’t want to marry them?

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24

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    #32
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    That's not a common attitude to marriage OP, it's not one that you can just assume your partner will pick up on. Have you clearly and explicitly stated that view to him?

    I'd have a similar attitude, it's not a hardline no never but I wouldn't be doing it unless there's a very concrete practical reason to, visas, inheritance, something like that. But that's an attitude I've been clear and upfront about.

    Anyways, throw on Four Weddings and A Funeral while he's there and spend it all going "ugh weddings gross, I don't like marriage AT ALL, literally I'd prefer four funerals, Jesus I don't get the marriage thing at all, I'd make ****e of a white dress altogether inside of a half hour".


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    #33
    Ulysses Gaze
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,570 ✭✭✭Ulysses Gaze


    Lau2976 wrote: »
    Not sure where else to put this and if I get nothing from it at least I’ll get a laugh.

    How would you tell someone you don’t want to marry them? Like before they propose. Would you hint? Tell them you know and in no uncertain terms to feck off with that behaviour? Ghost them and move into a cave to be a hermit?

    Preferably would like to keep him around as I’m quite fond of the dogs. :pac:

    On reflection maybe I'm too cocky and should assume he's got someone else to propose to? Or maybe he just bought himself a fancy engagement ring as an early Christmas present?

    You use three simple words.

    "I am gay."


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    #34
    bnt
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,247 ✭✭✭✭bnt


    How about a small civil ceremony at the Registrar, then bugger off on holiday for a week? No church, no reception, just the two of you. Take the dogs along too. ;)

    Government resting upon the will and universal suffrage of the people has no anchorage except in the people's intelligence.

    — Grover Cleveland



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    #35
    Lau2976
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,030 ✭✭✭Lau2976


    Jonathan Lazy Above wrote: »
    That's not a common attitude to marriage OP, it's not one that you can just assume your partner will pick up on. Have you clearly and explicitly stated that view to him?

    I'd have a similar attitude, it's not a hardline no never but I wouldn't be doing it unless there's a very concrete practical reason to, visas, inheritance, something like that. But that's an attitude I've been clear and upfront about.

    Anyways, throw on Four Weddings and A Funeral while he's there and spend it all going "ugh weddings gross, I don't like marriage AT ALL, literally I'd prefer four funerals, Jesus I don't get the marriage thing at all, I'd make ****e of a white dress altogether inside of a half hour".

    We've had conversations where I have used the exact words "I never want to marry anybody ever" I've been pretty clear, as has he, which is why I thought we were on the same page and that we wanted the same thing. This is entirely out of left field with no warning whatsoever. I honestly thought it was a joke until his brother showed me the ring (which in fairness is exactly what I would want if I was getting married). And the only reason his brother warned me was because even HE knows what I want and didn't want risking my OH doing some elaborate proposal and then have me say no.


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    #36
    BorneTobyWilde
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 39,606 ✭✭✭✭BorneTobyWilde


    Some guys know a girl for 3 weeks and propose . It's sad


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    #37
    Zachary Quaint Dustpan
    Posts: 81,308 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Zachary Quaint Dustpan


    If you've both explicitly discussed it and he's ploughed on ahead with what HE wants because what you want doesn't matter, you probably have bigger problems


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    #38
    Lau2976
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,030 ✭✭✭Lau2976


    BorneTobyWilde wrote: »
    Some guys know a girl for 3 weeks and propose . It's sad

    We've been best friends for longer then I can remember and together multiple years


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    #39
    7 Seconds...
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,471 ✭✭✭7 Seconds...


    Why don't you want to get married?


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    #40
    Gerry T
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 1,633 ✭✭✭Gerry T


    Marriage normally means commitment, shared life, children for the rest of your life. If you want all that but just not the church stuff he probably won't mind. However....if your not sure what you want you best tell him. For example he may want children, if you don't then you have to say so he can decide to stay or find someone else who does.
    But the whole marriage thing is way over rated I think. One person did mention legal rights so if children or property etc are in the equation maybe a civil registry might be considered


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    #41
    Fr_Dougal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,167 ✭✭✭Fr_Dougal


    Lau2976 wrote: »
    We've had conversations where I have used the exact words "I never want to marry anybody ever" I've been pretty clear, as has he, which is why I thought we were on the same page and that we wanted the same thing. This is entirely out of left field with no warning whatsoever. I honestly thought it was a joke until his brother showed me the ring (which in fairness is exactly what I would want if I was getting married). And the only reason his brother warned me was because even HE knows what I want and didn't want risking my OH doing some elaborate proposal and then have me say no.

    There was a guy on here a few months ago in a similar situation.

    He was advised to buy a ring and propose so his OH would say no and he could dump her.


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    #42
    Lau2976
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,030 ✭✭✭Lau2976


    Can I come too... wrote: »
    Why don't you want to get married?

    Purely personal preference. It's never been an issue before now because he said it didn't bother him either way.

    No property or kids and no plans for either right now (or desire) maybe property in the future but not kids


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    #43
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Lau2976 wrote: »
    We've had conversations where I have used the exact words "I never want to marry anybody ever" I've been pretty clear, as has he, which is why I thought we were on the same page and that we wanted the same thing. This is entirely out of left field with no warning whatsoever. I honestly thought it was a joke until his brother showed me the ring (which in fairness is exactly what I would want if I was getting married). And the only reason his brother warned me was because even HE knows what I want and didn't want risking my OH doing some elaborate proposal and then have me say no.

    Ah jaysis, what's he at. Could the brother have a word? He's out of order there, you'll have to say it to him before he actually proposes I think.

    Sometimes I get the feeling that people think women who don't want to get married are just trying to be the Cool Girl and we'd secretly all be delighted.


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    #44
    Lau2976
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,030 ✭✭✭Lau2976


    Fr_Dougal wrote: »
    There was a guy on here a few minutes months ago in a similar situation.

    He was advised to buy a ring and propose so his OH would say no and he could dump her.

    Well now I'm worried about THAT too. :(


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    #45
    Lau2976
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,030 ✭✭✭Lau2976


    Jonathan Lazy Above wrote: »
    Ah jaysis, what's he at. Could the brother have a word? He's out of order there, you'll have to say it to him before he actually proposes I think.

    Sometimes I get the feeling that people think women who don't want to get married are just trying to be the Cool Girl and we'd secretly all be delighted.

    I might try that, he listens to his brothers advise so it might help, he said he's pretty hell bent on doing it.

    Best case scenerio is someone made a comment, he panicked and thought this is what I wanted (which with him isn't out of the realm of possibility)

    Worst case scenerio I'll be posting in the wedding forum next month asking for wedding favour advice or die alone and be eaten by my dog.


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    #46
    7 Seconds...
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,471 ✭✭✭7 Seconds...


    Maybe write him a letter, highlighting the fact you don't want to lose him but marriage is not for you. Ask him how important it is to him and can ye come to a compromise. Best of luck.


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    #47
    Delphinium
    Closed Accounts Posts: 202 ✭✭Delphinium


    I remember your series of posts re wedding presents. Have you not considered making a list of gifts and allocating them to guests!!!
    Seriously, if you don't want to marry, you need to make him aware of this in no uncertain terms. It's not a problem until property is involved or you need to act as next of kin, eg in the case of an accident or illness.

    Are you prepared for a change in the relationship or maybe a break up if you refuse? You know yourself and your reasons best so go with your heart......but take his into account too. Best of luck with whatever you decide.


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    #48
    Lau2976
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,030 ✭✭✭Lau2976


    Delphinium wrote: »
    I remember your series of posts re wedding presents. Have you not considered making a list of gifts and allocating them to guests!!!
    Seriously, if you don't want to marry, you need to make him aware of this in no uncertain terms. It's not a problem until property is involved or you need to act as next of kin, eg in the case of an accident or illness.

    Are you prepared for a change in the relationship or maybe a break up if you refuse? You know yourself and your reasons best so go with your heart......but take his into account too. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

    Maybe that’s his thinking and it’s his way of us making a quick buck on the backs of our closest friends and family!

    I’d probably just marry him if it bothered him that much but I’d be petty about it and wouldn’t let him have craft beer at it.

    But that’s not a good basis for a healthy relationship so within a year I’d be posting in the legal forum asking about divorces.


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    #49
    BrokenArrows
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,548 ✭✭✭BrokenArrows


    Just tell him you know about the ring and reiterate that you dont want to get married but emphasize the fact that you want to spend the rest of your lives together.

    The ask him WTF was he thinking and if marriage is going to become an issue.


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    #50
    Cheshire Cat
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,282 ✭✭✭Cheshire Cat


    Tell him you accept the ring as a commitment ring, not an engagement ring.

    Somebody suggested watching 4 Weddings and a Funeral, that's the first thing I thought of, too. For this scene:
    https://youtu.be/mw3M1fIiegc

    Best of luck!


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    #51
    Wildcard7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 302 ✭✭Wildcard7


    Lau2976 wrote: »
    The advice I've been given by those close to me was just say yes and grin and bear the wedding for him if I want to be with him, I was hoping someone not invested in our relationship would have a different insight.

    I don't see the problem.

    From the sounds of it, you both want the same thing. You want to stay with him for the rest of your life, and he wants to stay with you for the rest of his life. Pretty sweet. And you have dogs. Even better. Anything is better with a bunch of puppers involved.

    The only difference is that he wants a big party to celebrate the fact that you're together for good, and he wants to write it on a piece of paper. And you don't. Surely that can't be a big issue? Talk to each others and figure out how important it is for the other party to have or not have a wedding.

    Seriously if you're both happy to stay with each others for the rest of your lives, what difference does a wedding make? If you really don't want to, I can't see him insisting, and if he really wants to, I can't see why you'd be against it.

    Unless of course this is not just about a party and a signature.


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    #52
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    When you've been very clear about your feelings on the matter and he then puts you in the position of having to either put him through a rejection of his own making or cave to save his feelings, I really feel that's not a good dynamic with which to start a marriage.

    Possibly people have been making comments, as people are so very fcuking wont to do and he's panicking. You say that'd be in character. If that's not the case then I would be mightily pissed off in your shoes.

    I really think you should head him off. It won't be a nice conversation but saying no when he's actually down on one knee will be way worse.


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    #53
    LCD
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,124 ✭✭✭LCD


    Never wanted to get married, purely because I dislike weddings. However Mrs LCD did, so proposed.

    Kept the wedding small (50 in total) to people we (not others) wanted, went registry office & didn't have reception in hotel. I actually really enjoyed the day.

    Living together versus married & living together somehow better though not sure why. Must be the dog we got!


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    #54
    kg703
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 1,143 ✭✭✭kg703


    Lau2976 wrote: »
    I’d probably just marry him if it bothered him that much but I’d be petty about it and wouldn’t let him have craft beer at it.

    Lol

    You sound like youv been together a while and have a good relationship. Get to him before he proposes because if you say no then, it'll be way worse.

    Tell him he can return the ring and spend all the money on craft beer and pulled pork as a consolation ;)

    If he really wants marriage and you decide to go along, weddings dont have to be weddingy these days at all. You seem like you have a good sense of humour so just have a bit of fun with it!


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    #55
    Donald Trump
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,325 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump


    This thread has inspired me to start making it clear to every person that I meet that I don't want to marry them.

    I recommend shouting it up to bouncers before you get to the top of the line to save time when you get to the door.


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    #56
    Donald Trump
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,325 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump


    Cheshire Cat wrote: »
    Tell him you accept the ring as a commitment ring, not an engagement ring.


    Yeah....that's just awful waffle shite. "I don't want to commit to you. So lets pretend that not committing is a thing called commitment"

    If you don't want to get married, don't. Don't patronise the fella though


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    #57
    _Kaiser_
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 29,985 ✭✭✭✭_Kaiser_


    You need to talk to him OP.. tonight if possible. Tell him you know what he's planning and while it's very sweet and you love him for it etc etc, that you really don't see yourself getting married to ANYONE (ie: it's not him that you don't want to marry)
    Reading your posts, it seems to me that if you "give in" and go through with it for his sake (that's terrible advice you were given btw!) then yes, you'll likely be divorced within a year or two.

    However, either way you need to be prepared that he might take it that you don't love him the same way (regardless of marriage) and call it a day, or it may end up splitting you up anyway.


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    #58
    Hector Bellend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,667 ✭✭✭Hector Bellend


    develop a twenty year headache


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    #59
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,849 ✭✭✭professore


    Cheshire Cat wrote: »
    Tell him you accept the ring as a commitment ring, not an engagement ring.

    Oh god no .... once saw a girl do this, only she wore the ring around her neck hanging off a necklace instead of on her finger ... always thought the dude was a sucker and they broke up a few months after.

    Pro tip ... I proposed outside a chipper with a bag of chips in one hand. THEN I bought the ring. If she won't marry you without an expensive ring then she ain't worth marrying.


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    #60
    _Dara_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,971 ✭✭✭_Dara_


    OP, is this wedding cake guy? ;)


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    #61
    AMKC
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,475 ✭✭✭✭AMKC
    Ms


    Lau2976 wrote: »
    Purely personal preference. It's never been an issue before now because he said it didn't bother him either way.

    So he never said he did not want to get married just that it did not bother him either way. Id say he was just saying that to keep you happy and that at some stage in his life he would like to get married and its you that he would really like to be the person he marry s.
    Either that or sometime in the last year or maybe ore that his mind changed and he would like to get married now. Thing is he is still with you.
    He could have ended the relationship with you without having to buy an expensive ring and maybe date someone else who eventually would like to get married but that would mean he might have to wait a few more years and he has to find that someone that really likes him again and falls in love with him again. Finding the one person to spend the rest of you live with is never easy and is very special.

    Maybe your best not to listen to me do because I had found that person and made a total balls of it so I would not be the best at this dating stuff.

    Live long and Prosper

    Peace and long life.



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