Tell someone you don’t want to marry them?

Lau2976

Not sure where else to put this and if I get nothing from it at least I’ll get a laugh.

How would you tell someone you don’t want to marry them? Like before they propose. Would you hint? Tell them you know and in no uncertain terms to feck off with that behaviour? Ghost them and move into a cave to be a hermit?

Preferably would like to keep him around as I’m quite fond of the dogs. :pac:

On reflection maybe I'm too cocky and should assume he's got someone else to propose to? Or maybe he just bought himself a fancy engagement ring as an early Christmas present?

fergiesfolly

I DON'T want to be buried with your people

server down

There’s a personal issues forum if you want proper reasonable answers to this.

In the meanwhile blast him with piss. He will call off the engagement.

6541

leave them

me_irl

It's not you it's me... fear of commitment.

JimmyMcGill

how much is he worth dead?

*joke btw*

Lau2976

JimmyMcGill wrote: »

how much is he worth dead?

Cheap bugger won't take out a life assurance policy

Lau2976

6541 wrote: »

leave them

He'll take most of the dogs and then I'll be down an OH and the loves of my life

El Weirdo

server down wrote: »

In the meanwhile blast him with piss. He will call off the engagement.

Or not.

Wheety

JimmyMcGill wrote: »

how much is he worth dead?

*joke btw*

Appropriate username

JimmyMcGill

El Weirdo wrote: »

Or not.

Could be the start of a golden lifetime together. Let us know how it goes OP

Del2005

Lau2976 wrote: »

Not sure where else to put this and if I get nothing from it at least I’ll get a laugh.

How would you tell someone you don’t want to marry them? Like before they propose. Would you hint? Tell them you know and in no uncertain terms to feck off with that behaviour? Ghost them and move into a cave to be a hermit?

Preferably would like to keep him around as I’m quite fond of the dogs. :pac:

On reflection maybe I'm too cocky and should assume he's got someone else to propose to? Or maybe he just bought himself a fancy engagement ring as an early Christmas present?

If you don't want to marry just say no when they propose. Either way if you say no at the proposal or knock it on the head before hand don't be surprised if the relationship ends since you both want different things.

donegaLroad

Lau2976 wrote: »

He'll take most of the dogs and then I'll be down an OH and the loves of my life

This won't end well unless you speak your mind, today.

me_irl

El Weirdo wrote: »

Or not.

"This better not awaken anything in me..." :pac:

valoren

He must be pretty confident that he will get a yes from you having gotten an engagement ring. That you feel differently suggests there is a wild variation in the expectations of your relationship. I'd wait until asked and then tell him no. It will be ruff on you both until you both decide how to progress the relationship.

I don't think proposals in this day and age are actually a surprise to the couple other than maybe a few months around the timing. You'd have talked about it before then anyway.
Or at least I'd hope so

bear1

Jokes aside you need to be pretty open and tell him you don't see a future before the poor bastard goes and wastes his time buying a ring and planning his life with you.
How long are you together? Has he hinted at marriage/kids?
Best be straight up about it and don't give him this it's not you it's me bollocks cause it's utter fcuking ****e as an excuse.
He'll be hurt obviously (or not...) but at least he knows the relationship has no future and can look elsewhere for someone who does want to marry him.

Lau2976

Lau2976 wrote: »

He'll take most of the dogs and then I'll be down an OH and the loves of my life

You're a bit flippant about him. How has it got to the stage where he assumes you'll say yes, and is any of that down to your failure to give clear signals to date?

I think saying no will be the best for both of you, except he won't realise it.

Stop taking the poor mug for granted and let him find someone who wants to marry him back. Don't string him along because you're fond of the dogs. Break up with him and let him get on with his life.

What is wrong with people these days?

7 Seconds...

Why don't you want to marry him?

A_Sober_Paddy

Candie wrote: »

Stop taking the poor mug for granted and let him find someone who wants to marry him back. Don't string him along because you're fond of the dogs. Break up with him and let him get on with his life.

What is wrong with people these days?

Generally I find people are cnuts these days, no cop on or basic human decency

Candie

Candie wrote: »

Stop taking the poor mug for granted and let him find someone who wants to marry him back. Don't string him along because you're fond of the dogs. Break up with him and let him get on with his life.

What is wrong with people these days?

Ah lighten up, sure if you can't have an ol' giggle on social media about crushing someone's dreams...

Lau2976

Deleted User wrote: »

You're a bit flippant about him. How has it got to the stage where he assumes you'll say yes, and is any of that down to your failure to give clear signals to date?

I think saying no will be the best for both of you, except he won't realise it.

Apologies, it was a total joke. Obviously I am in slight panic mode and do not want to lose him, I really do love him I just don't want the whole marriage thing with anybody ever but I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought he knew this and until now i thought we were on the same page about that.

Barnavave

Shag his brother, he should get the message.

Alternatively you could just talk to the guy, let him know about your concerns etc, rather than ask for answers from strangers on t'internet.

Oh and pics, this thread is no good without them.

bear1

Lau2976 wrote: »

Apologies, it was a total joke. Obviously I am in slight panic mode and do not want to lose him, I really do love him I just don't want the whole marriage thing with anybody ever but I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought he knew this and until now i thought we were on the same page about that.

You should have made that a lot clearer in your opening post.
If you couldn't make it clear to us, how do you expect your partner to realise it?

Tell him you want to be with him forever but not with marriage. Maybe he will agree with it.

Lau2976

Lau2976 wrote: »

Apologies, it was a total joke. Obviously I am in slight panic mode and do not want to lose him, I really do love him I just don't want the whole marriage thing with anybody ever but I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought he knew this and until now i thought we were on the same page about that.

Talk to him and lay it out exactly like that. If marriage is a dealbreaker for him then he needs to know asap. It might not be the case that he's happy to keep things as they are and the sooner he knows your limits, the better.

bnt

Lau2976 wrote: »

... I just don't want the whole marriage thing with anybody ever but I do want to spend the rest of my life with him ...

I think you need to examine what "marriage" means to you, then. You want to spend the rest of your life with him ... so why not marriage? Is there something else about "marriage" that bothers you? The big expensive party is entirely optional, if that's what's bothering you. In-laws a problem? They don't have to be. Children - want or don't want? You should be talking about that long before it gets to a proposal. Too "final"? Have you seen the divorce stats these days?

Anything else? I'm struggling to see where the contradiction is.

LollipopJimmy

Maybe he just took up Ultimate Fighting and that's why he got a ring designer in

Wossack

make sure he's actually planning on proposing to you. You might have just picked it up wrong, and the 'ring designer' is actually designing a special octagonal mma fighting ring so that Pete can conquer the world of mma fighting like he has the world of business

Lau2976

Barnavave wrote: »

Shag his brother, he should get the message.

Alternatively you could just talk to the guy, let him know about your concerns etc, rather than ask for answers from strangers on t'internet.

Oh and pics, this thread is no good without them.

His brother is gay and married so thats a non-starter.

But I'm a millenial... I was promised people on the t'internet would solve all my problems.

On a more serious note though I shall talk to him about it and hope that it doesn't go tits up and he doesn't leave me. I probably shouldn't insinuate I'm only here for the dogs or make jokes about blasting him with my piss, even if bad jokes make me feel less uncomfortable. The advice I've been given by those close to me was just say yes and grin and bear the wedding for him if I want to be with him, I was hoping someone not invested in our relationship would have a different insight.

Del2005

Lau2976 wrote: »

Apologies, it was a total joke. Obviously I am in slight panic mode and do not want to lose him, I really do love him I just don't want the whole marriage thing with anybody ever but I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought he knew this and until now i thought we were on the same page about that.

If you have been together for 5 years, 2 with children, you have the same responsibility as a married couple but with none of the protection or tax benefits.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

That's not a common attitude to marriage OP, it's not one that you can just assume your partner will pick up on. Have you clearly and explicitly stated that view to him?

I'd have a similar attitude, it's not a hardline no never but I wouldn't be doing it unless there's a very concrete practical reason to, visas, inheritance, something like that. But that's an attitude I've been clear and upfront about.

Anyways, throw on Four Weddings and A Funeral while he's there and spend it all going "ugh weddings gross, I don't like marriage AT ALL, literally I'd prefer four funerals, Jesus I don't get the marriage thing at all, I'd make ****e of a white dress altogether inside of a half hour".

Ulysses Gaze

Lau2976 wrote: »

Not sure where else to put this and if I get nothing from it at least I’ll get a laugh.

How would you tell someone you don’t want to marry them? Like before they propose. Would you hint? Tell them you know and in no uncertain terms to feck off with that behaviour? Ghost them and move into a cave to be a hermit?

Preferably would like to keep him around as I’m quite fond of the dogs. :pac:

On reflection maybe I'm too cocky and should assume he's got someone else to propose to? Or maybe he just bought himself a fancy engagement ring as an early Christmas present?

You use three simple words.

"I am gay."

bnt

How about a small civil ceremony at the Registrar, then bugger off on holiday for a week? No church, no reception, just the two of you. Take the dogs along too.

Lau2976

Jonathan Lazy Above wrote: »

That's not a common attitude to marriage OP, it's not one that you can just assume your partner will pick up on. Have you clearly and explicitly stated that view to him?

I'd have a similar attitude, it's not a hardline no never but I wouldn't be doing it unless there's a very concrete practical reason to, visas, inheritance, something like that. But that's an attitude I've been clear and upfront about.

Anyways, throw on Four Weddings and A Funeral while he's there and spend it all going "ugh weddings gross, I don't like marriage AT ALL, literally I'd prefer four funerals, Jesus I don't get the marriage thing at all, I'd make ****e of a white dress altogether inside of a half hour".

We've had conversations where I have used the exact words "I never want to marry anybody ever" I've been pretty clear, as has he, which is why I thought we were on the same page and that we wanted the same thing. This is entirely out of left field with no warning whatsoever. I honestly thought it was a joke until his brother showed me the ring (which in fairness is exactly what I would want if I was getting married). And the only reason his brother warned me was because even HE knows what I want and didn't want risking my OH doing some elaborate proposal and then have me say no.

BorneTobyWilde

Some guys know a girl for 3 weeks and propose . It's sad

If you've both explicitly discussed it and he's ploughed on ahead with what HE wants because what you want doesn't matter, you probably have bigger problems

Lau2976

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

Some guys know a girl for 3 weeks and propose . It's sad

We've been best friends for longer then I can remember and together multiple years

7 Seconds...

Why don't you want to get married?

Gerry T

Marriage normally means commitment, shared life, children for the rest of your life. If you want all that but just not the church stuff he probably won't mind. However....if your not sure what you want you best tell him. For example he may want children, if you don't then you have to say so he can decide to stay or find someone else who does.
But the whole marriage thing is way over rated I think. One person did mention legal rights so if children or property etc are in the equation maybe a civil registry might be considered

Fr_Dougal

Lau2976 wrote: »

We've had conversations where I have used the exact words "I never want to marry anybody ever" I've been pretty clear, as has he, which is why I thought we were on the same page and that we wanted the same thing. This is entirely out of left field with no warning whatsoever. I honestly thought it was a joke until his brother showed me the ring (which in fairness is exactly what I would want if I was getting married). And the only reason his brother warned me was because even HE knows what I want and didn't want risking my OH doing some elaborate proposal and then have me say no.

There was a guy on here a few months ago in a similar situation.

He was advised to buy a ring and propose so his OH would say no and he could dump her.

Lau2976

Can I come too... wrote: »

Why don't you want to get married?

Purely personal preference. It's never been an issue before now because he said it didn't bother him either way.

No property or kids and no plans for either right now (or desire) maybe property in the future but not kids

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Lau2976 wrote: »

We've had conversations where I have used the exact words "I never want to marry anybody ever" I've been pretty clear, as has he, which is why I thought we were on the same page and that we wanted the same thing. This is entirely out of left field with no warning whatsoever. I honestly thought it was a joke until his brother showed me the ring (which in fairness is exactly what I would want if I was getting married). And the only reason his brother warned me was because even HE knows what I want and didn't want risking my OH doing some elaborate proposal and then have me say no.

Ah jaysis, what's he at. Could the brother have a word? He's out of order there, you'll have to say it to him before he actually proposes I think.

Sometimes I get the feeling that people think women who don't want to get married are just trying to be the Cool Girl and we'd secretly all be delighted.

Lau2976

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

There was a guy on here a few minutes months ago in a similar situation.

He was advised to buy a ring and propose so his OH would say no and he could dump her.

Well now I'm worried about THAT too.

Lau2976

Jonathan Lazy Above wrote: »

Ah jaysis, what's he at. Could the brother have a word? He's out of order there, you'll have to say it to him before he actually proposes I think.

Sometimes I get the feeling that people think women who don't want to get married are just trying to be the Cool Girl and we'd secretly all be delighted.

I might try that, he listens to his brothers advise so it might help, he said he's pretty hell bent on doing it.

Best case scenerio is someone made a comment, he panicked and thought this is what I wanted (which with him isn't out of the realm of possibility)

Worst case scenerio I'll be posting in the wedding forum next month asking for wedding favour advice or die alone and be eaten by my dog.

7 Seconds...

Maybe write him a letter, highlighting the fact you don't want to lose him but marriage is not for you. Ask him how important it is to him and can ye come to a compromise. Best of luck.

Delphinium

I remember your series of posts re wedding presents. Have you not considered making a list of gifts and allocating them to guests!!!
Seriously, if you don't want to marry, you need to make him aware of this in no uncertain terms. It's not a problem until property is involved or you need to act as next of kin, eg in the case of an accident or illness.

Are you prepared for a change in the relationship or maybe a break up if you refuse? You know yourself and your reasons best so go with your heart......but take his into account too. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Lau2976

Delphinium wrote: »

I remember your series of posts re wedding presents. Have you not considered making a list of gifts and allocating them to guests!!!
Seriously, if you don't want to marry, you need to make him aware of this in no uncertain terms. It's not a problem until property is involved or you need to act as next of kin, eg in the case of an accident or illness.

Are you prepared for a change in the relationship or maybe a break up if you refuse? You know yourself and your reasons best so go with your heart......but take his into account too. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Maybe that’s his thinking and it’s his way of us making a quick buck on the backs of our closest friends and family!

I’d probably just marry him if it bothered him that much but I’d be petty about it and wouldn’t let him have craft beer at it.

But that’s not a good basis for a healthy relationship so within a year I’d be posting in the legal forum asking about divorces.

BrokenArrows

Just tell him you know about the ring and reiterate that you dont want to get married but emphasize the fact that you want to spend the rest of your lives together.

The ask him WTF was he thinking and if marriage is going to become an issue.

Cheshire Cat

Tell him you accept the ring as a commitment ring, not an engagement ring.

Somebody suggested watching 4 Weddings and a Funeral, that's the first thing I thought of, too. For this scene:
https://youtu.be/mw3M1fIiegc

Best of luck!

Wildcard7

Lau2976 wrote: »

The advice I've been given by those close to me was just say yes and grin and bear the wedding for him if I want to be with him, I was hoping someone not invested in our relationship would have a different insight.

I don't see the problem.

From the sounds of it, you both want the same thing. You want to stay with him for the rest of your life, and he wants to stay with you for the rest of his life. Pretty sweet. And you have dogs. Even better. Anything is better with a bunch of puppers involved.

The only difference is that he wants a big party to celebrate the fact that you're together for good, and he wants to write it on a piece of paper. And you don't. Surely that can't be a big issue? Talk to each others and figure out how important it is for the other party to have or not have a wedding.

Seriously if you're both happy to stay with each others for the rest of your lives, what difference does a wedding make? If you really don't want to, I can't see him insisting, and if he really wants to, I can't see why you'd be against it.

Unless of course this is not just about a party and a signature.