The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

dilallio · 06-09-2017 01:08PM

20 years ago today ....

Mother Theresa died and when she arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter gave her a small halo and welcomed her in.
Later on, Mother Theresa notices that Princess Diana has a much bigger halo than she does.
She asks God, "Why does the Princess Diana get a bigger halo than me, she was a great person but I helped so many more people. I should at least have the same size halo as her"
God replies, "That's not a halo, it's a bloody steering wheel"

McMurphy · 06-09-2017 02:00PM

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”.

dilallio · 06-09-2017 05:25PM

The next day the same Roman soldier walks into the bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."
The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a martini?"
"Look," the soldier replies, "If I wanted a double, I would've have asked for it!"

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 06-09-2017 10:34PM

René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything. … René says, “I think not,” then disappears.

Loafing Oaf · 07-09-2017 12:17AM

Two Jewish guys are standing on a street corner when an attractive blonde woman walks past. One nudges the other: "See that shiksa, I wouldn't mind lending her one."

Oranage2 · 07-09-2017 11:23AM

My boss showed up to the office with a new Ferrari, I said that's ba lovely new car. He told me if I worked really hard and put in extra shifts that this time next year he could afford another one.

chewed · 07-09-2017 04:33PM

A clown held the door open for me the other day.

It was a nice jester.

blueser · 07-09-2017 05:31PM

The Magnificent Seven appeared in a series of adverts for an aftershave.

It was filmed at Liverpool's Anfield football ground.

Only six of them took part, because Yul never wore cologne.

7 Seconds... · 07-09-2017 10:07PM

Why do grandparents & grandchildren get on so well?

They have a common enemy.

Capt'n Midnight · 07-09-2017 10:45PM

I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician.

Oh, and a Czech one too

Capt'n Midnight · 07-09-2017 10:49PM

My neighbour is in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most concussions.

He lives very close to me.

In fact, only a stone’s throw away

Capt'n Midnight · 07-09-2017 10:51PM

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain.

And the tattoo parlour wasn’t there............. :eek:

Capt'n Midnight · 07-09-2017 10:54PM

A Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "put your hat and coat on lassie."

She replied, 'Awe that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'

'Nah, just switching the central heating aff while I'm oot.'

Capt'n Midnight · 07-09-2017 11:01PM

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

byrner88 · 08-09-2017 02:39AM

I was in the supermarket earlier and they had started selling Halloween costumes already. My wife was taking ages picking anything so I turned to her and said.

"Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right here I am stuck in the Lidl with you."

08-09-2017 08:27PM

byrner88 wrote: »

I was in the supermarket earlier and they had started selling Halloween costumes already. My wife was taking ages picking anything so I turned to her and said.

"Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right here I am stuck in the Lidl with you."

just told the wife that one, she didn't get it as we shop in Aldi! :pac:

K.Flyer · 09-09-2017 02:01AM

byrner88 wrote: »

I was in the supermarket earlier and they had started selling Halloween costumes already. My wife was taking ages picking anything so I turned to her and said.

"Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right here I am stuck in the Lidl with you."

[Deleted User] wrote: »

just told the wife that one, she didn't get it as we shop in Aldi! :pac:

.... jokers to the right, I'm stuck in the Aldi with you..

Nah, not surprised, Aldi doesn't sound as well as Lidl does. :pac:

MonkieSocks · 10-09-2017 08:05PM

Two elderly women, Mary and Susan, were sitting outside their nursing home, enjoying some coffee and having a smoke.

They were having a great time talking and enjoying the sun, when suddenly, it started to rain.

A few seconds later, it was absolutely pouring down, but one of the ladies calmly opened her purse and started rummaging through it.

Mary slowly pulled a condom out of the purse, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking without a care in the world.

Susan looked at her in surprise and asked, “Whats that?”

Mary replied, “A condom, of course. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

Susan exclaimed, “That’s ingenious! But where did you get the condom?”

Mary replied, “Oh, you can get them in any drugstore these days.”

The next day, Susan hobbled herself to the local drugstore, parked her walker by the entrance and went in.

She started looking around for a bit, but didn’t find what she was looking for.

She walked up to the cashier and announced to him that she wanted a 12-pack of condoms.

The young cashier seemed quite surprised at hearing this coming from an 81 year old lady.

A bit embarrassed, he stuttered, “A-alright ma’am. Which brand of condoms do you prefer?”

Susan shrugged and replied, “Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits over a Camel.”

Comer1 · 10-09-2017 08:39PM

A friend of mine had a dog with no legs, he called him Woodbine

He used to take him for a drag every day.

7 Seconds... · 10-09-2017 09:51PM

I'm really good in bed. I can sleep for more than 9 hours at a time.

7 Seconds... · 10-09-2017 09:54PM

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

byrner88 · 11-09-2017 12:05AM

I called my boss this morning and said, "I won't be coming in today, the car won't start."

"What about the bus?" he asked.

I said, "I haven't got a bus."

the_pen_turner · 11-09-2017 12:13AM

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,
Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any
activities that might develop.
A few days later, he received this report: Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow. He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee..

Loafing Oaf · 11-09-2017 12:19AM

tim-vine-quote-conjunctivitiscom-thats-a-site-for-sore-eyes.jpg

TheChevron · 11-09-2017 01:06PM

The CEO of Dulux Paints has sadly died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antartic.

Paramedics said he could have done with another coat.

branie2 · 11-09-2017 02:42PM

What is the best form of factory you can have?
A satisfactory

Capt'n Midnight · 11-09-2017 09:50PM

In the south Pacific yesterday a ship carrying red paint collided with one carrying blue paint.

The survivors were marooned.

Did you hear about the ship carrying yo-yos ?

It sank 537 times. :pac:

11-09-2017 10:06PM

Deleted User wrote: »

just told the wife that one, she didn't get it as we shop in Aldi! :pac:

Confused.

Why would you withhold sexual favours just because she shops in Aldi?

glynf · 11-09-2017 11:37PM

Went to a nightclub last night. They played jump and I jumped, they played the twist and I twisted. Next they played come on Eileen, the bastards threw me out.

byrner88 · 12-09-2017 12:06AM

I hurt my back the other day.
I was playing piggy back with my 4 year old
nephew, and I fell off.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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