Should I leave this relationship

Ursus Horribilis · 09-09-2017 10:14PM

Does your family like him?

punisher5112 · 09-09-2017 10:24PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Does your family like him?

Highly doubt it with the they will have no problems kicking him out..

FriendFree93 · 09-09-2017 10:25PM

punisher5112 wrote: »

Highly doubt it with the they will have no problems kicking him out..

They've no issues with him

However they're grudge holders so if I tell them there will be no going back

Stheno · 09-09-2017 10:27PM

FriendFree93 wrote: »

They've no issues with him

However they're grudge holders so if I tell them there will be no going back

How could they kick him out? Do they own the apartment?

FriendFree93 · 09-09-2017 10:28PM

Stheno wrote: »

How could they kick him out? Do they own the apartment?

I never said they would kick him out. I said them would come up and remove him if they had to

Stheno · 09-09-2017 10:32PM

FriendFree93 wrote: »

I never said they would kick him out. I said them would come up and remove him if they had to

How could they do this? Is his name on the lease?

Stheno · 09-09-2017 10:32PM

FriendFree93 wrote: »

I never said they would kick him out. I said them would come up and remove him if they had to

How could they do this? Is his name on the lease?

FriendFree93 · 09-09-2017 10:38PM

Stheno wrote: »

How could they do this? Is his name on the lease?

If they came up and asked him to leave he would. He wouldn't disrespect my parents. He's not a bad person in that sense

gobo99 · 09-09-2017 10:47PM

FriendFree93 wrote: »

If they came up and asked him to leave he would. He wouldn't disrespect my parents. He's not a bad person in that sense

On what grounds would they go up and remove him from his own home. Do your own dirty work.

KazzieLou · 09-09-2017 10:53PM

This young girl does not need you judging her or questioning the way her parents act, she has asked for help and that's all that should be given no offense to anyone just feel she's not got what she's asked for.

Hi, Personally if I was you being in a relationship that long and hearing the outcome I would leave while everything is. I've had my own problems like this but instead of him working he was on the dole and a real mean tight man. I've learned the hard way from believing him until. One day I had enough and I got out. Best thing I ever did. You will not feel alone for long and soon some to terms you did the right thing.

Hope you find peace and hope in whatever you decide

gobo99 · 09-09-2017 11:22PM

KazzieLou wrote: »

This young girl does not need you judging her or questioning the way her parents act, she has asked for help and that's all that should be given no offense to anyone just feel she's not got what she's asked for.

She asked for advice. My advice is keep Mammy and Daddy out of it. If she wants to break up she should pack a bag and leave. She can't just pressure him out of the apartment because she can't be arsed looking for somewhere else.
She says "she can't see an easy exit". Well there isn't one after a 12 year relationship. You can't end the relationship but opt out of all the inconveniences attached to the fallout.

10-09-2017 02:39AM

Where do you want to be in five years time?
Would you like to be suffering through this relationship? You are probably codependent, you are making excuses.
What if you do have children, do you want children.
I hope you move on because you deserve better and in a relationship like this the only way is down.
Being alone is ok for a while and then there are plenty of ways you can date and find a nice person to live with?

Wesser · 10-09-2017 09:44AM

I think if it is you breaking up.with him then it is you that has move out. It gives you more power.

I don't see any difference between kicking some one out if an apartment and removing them.

KazzieLou · 10-09-2017 10:00AM

gobo99 wrote: »

She asked for advice. My advice is keep Mammy and Daddy out of it. If she wants to break up she should pack a bag and leave. She can't just pressure him out of the apartment because she can't be arsed looking for somewhere else.
She says "she can't see an easy exit". Well there isn't one after a 12 year relationship. You can't end the relationship but opt out of all the inconveniences attached to the fallout.

Yes but it's her that I would say is paying most bills etc as he's on very little money. He could always move to a friend's house. Why should she give up the house when she's contributing more than him. He has an easy life with her from what she has said. She should be entitled to stay put she's the bread winner in the relationship so it should be her choice to stay or leave if she pleases. Just saying.

Ursus Horribilis · 10-09-2017 10:24AM

Methinks the OP is looking for excuses not to break up.

Dial Hard · 10-09-2017 10:47AM

gobo99 wrote:

She asked for advice. My advice is keep Mammy and Daddy out of it. If she wants to break up she should pack a bag and leave. She can't just pressure him out of the apartment because she can't be arsed looking for somewhere else. She says "she can't see an easy exit".

Wesser wrote:

I don't see any difference between kicking some one out if an apartment and removing them.

She never said she was getting her mam and dad to do her dirty work, all she said was that *if* she told them it was over, they'd be up to get him out of the apartment immediately, there'd be no going back.

And that's a very big if, because, like Ursus H., I don't think the OP has any intention of breaking up with him. She's put up with this for 12 years already.

Daisy78 · 10-09-2017 10:57AM

FriendFree93 wrote: »

That's exactly what it is. I'm seeing a lot of friends buying houses lately and even though I do a lot that they can't afford (I travel a good bit on my own) I feel a bit resentful that if I want a house it will be all responsibilities on me to do it. I don't feel the burden is halved. &#55357;&#56852;

Being resentful won't get you anywhere in the long run though. Without going into it I was in the exact same situation you are now some years back. Was in a long term relationship that had no future, with someone who prioritised drink over everything else. I had to make a decision whether to stick it out and hope he would change or bit the bullet and leave. I took the second option. I won't lie, the thought of going back to the single life in flatshares did not fill me with joy. And it was hard but I've become more resilient along the way. It's also made me realise that you can't ever really depend on another person to make a life for you, you never know what is around the corner, your partner could leave, lose their job, or even die. I'm in the middle of buying a house now, which I'm lucky to be able to do but sometimes it does nag at me, the thought of having to do this on my own when other friends have partners or husbands to help out. But that's the reality , if I don't look after myself nobody else wiĺl. And you will do the same when it comes down to it.

FriendFree93 · 10-09-2017 01:05PM

To clarify.

We were teenagers when we met so had no money to have money worries back then. We were then college goers and also had no money to have money worries. This is not a 12 year problem. This is maybe a 2-3 year problem..

I am not asking my parents to do my dirty work. I said my parents would hold a grudge and if they knew what was going on they wouldn't like him any more making it awkward if the decision wasn't final. I've falling out with friends and told my parents and then got back friends with them and my parents were weird them them after.

Ursus Horribilis · 10-09-2017 01:53PM

So if he says he's not moving, what then? Will you just bury this and keep going as you are? Sounds like it.

Estrellita · 10-09-2017 02:15PM

You have become his new mammy. A relationship is not a good fit when you find yourself nagging someone to change. It's not your job to change him or make him grow up. Clearly your ideals do not match with his, and even if he does say he wants the same things he's not prioritising them in the same way you are.

He has probably grown to resent you a little because your proactive approach to obtaining the things in life just sounds like noise to him right now, and comes away feeling like a scolded little boy. Neither one of you are happy.

You're stuck in this relationship for the same reasons. You probably both love each other, but you've also grown apart. You're also both afraid of change. If he is saying he doesn't want to move out or things to end, it's likely he's just afraid too. Continuing this stagnant relationship is no good for either of you. If you both can't agree with that fact, one of you will have to take the step of calling it time first.

He has to start thinking and making decisions for himself again, you're not responsible for how he gets on without you. Just as you have to find your own new accommodation, so does he. Stop mammying him.

So move back to your parents till you get your room share. It might be a bit of a drive to work and back, but it's only temporary and it will motivate you to get your new place. Start the wheels in motion the changes you want to see in your life. He's not part of the plan any more.

Koptain Liverpool · 10-09-2017 06:56PM

KazzieLou wrote: »

Yes but it's her that I would say is paying most bills etc as he's on very little money. He could always move to a friend's house. Why should she give up the house when she's contributing more than him. He has an easy life with her from what she has said. She should be entitled to stay put she's the bread winner in the relationship so it should be her choice to stay or leave if she pleases. Just saying.

Sorry but you're talking nonsense.

The OP never said that she paid for the flat herself. It's their shared flat.

And more importantly she'll be the one dumping him so of course it's her who moves out.

What would you say if it was the other way around - a guy dumping a girl plus wanting to kick her out of her home...Not the same I would bet.

MissShihTzu · 10-09-2017 07:12PM

I think you're putting off the inevitable, OP.

Can I ask? If this is a 2-3 year problem as you say, why have you let it go on for so long? Does your partner have any serious long-term plans? Does he discuss these with you?

If you're the one working and saving, then I think YOU should move out. Not only does it give you control, it'll be good for you to get away from an environment that doesn't hold good memories for you. Make a fresh start. Don't worry about him too much - I think he'll be just fine thanks!

I'm also seeing big red flags about the drinking. How often does the fighting start when he drinks??

For the sake of your mental health, you need to sit down and have a good hard think about what you want in life and how you're going to get it. You already sound resentful (with good reason). Do you really want to spend the next few years wondering about what could have been, and eaten up with resentment and envy at your friends apparently moving ahead? Make definite plans and do it! I've been in your position, and trust me - it's scary being alone, but you definitely won't regret getting out.

I wouldn't be looking to involve your family either. Tell them when the deed is done.

I hope it works out for you.

KazzieLou · 10-09-2017 11:13PM

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

Sorry but you're talking nonsense.

The OP never said that she paid for the flat herself. It's their shared flat.

And more importantly she'll be the one dumping him so of course it's her who moves out.

What would you say if it was the other way around - a guy dumping a girl plus wanting to kick her out of her home...Not the same I would bet.

She makes more money than him which isn't the point he drinks and spends he's money foolish, therefore it must be up to her to pay most rent.

If it was the other way around yes she should move out. It's her decision and I think she should have the right to stay.

gobo99 · 10-09-2017 11:25PM

KazzieLou wrote: »

She makes more money than him which isn't the point he drinks and spends he's money foolish, therefore it must be up to her to pay most rent.

If it was the other way around yes she should move out. It's her decision and I think she should have the right to stay.

You don't know how the rent is split so stop talking nonsense. The OP is the one who isn't happy with the current living arrangement so she should leave.

FriendFree93 wrote: »

...I told him we would be better off with him moving out that I will stay here alone for a few weeks and he move home to live with his parents. He would be better off on the dole...

Also it's little wonder the guy's at rock bottom if this is the way his partner speaks to him.

Bambi985 · 10-09-2017 11:34PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Methinks the OP is looking for excuses not to break up.

Probably. This is what we do as humans though. It's all too easy as outsiders to see the situation in black and white, but when you love and care for someone deeply and have given them 12 years of your life, it's not quite as straight-forward. Your brain tortures you.

I certainly had a Jekyll and Hyde situation playing out in my own head for a long time with my previous relationship - "he doesn't care about the future" / "I've never found love like this before" and "he's got a drink problem" / "I can't live without him". We broke up because something truly unforgivable happened that my ex showed no remorse for, and in the following weeks I was STILL taunted by these inner thoughts, to the point where I had days where I thought I was actually going insane. Mood swings, unpredictability of thoughts and feelings, random breakdowns, , swinging wildly from "fcuk him, he's destroyed my life" to "he's not so bad, maybe we can patch things up?"

It's like a bereavement and twelve years is a long time. The OP probably can't really remember what life was like without him and her brain will pull out every trick in the book to prevent such a life disruption.

OP, I really feel for you and I don't judge you for feeling hesitant about this. I know how paralysed by fear and despair you currently feel. But now is the time to dig deep and summon up every ounce of will and courage that you can. Please dig deep and don't focus on the relatively short-term pain of breaking up and all the awful admin stuff that comes with that. Look at the long-term payout. The relief of not being dragged down and tied up in knots with worry over your bf's issues. The freedom from the constant stress of trying to change him, trying to mammy him into action. The chance to find someone who can offer you so much more than him, the chance at a real partnership. It's so character-building, it strengthens you in ways you never imagined and it really shows you who your friends are.

I hope you're doing ok tonight.

KazzieLou · 11-09-2017 02:24PM

gobo99 wrote: »

You don't know how the rent is split so stop talking nonsense. The OP is the one who isn't happy with the current living arrangement so she should leave.

Also it's little wonder the guy's at rock bottom if this is the way his partner speaks to him.

Nonsense? Are you listening to yourself. As a human being you have no empathy for anyone clearly. Please keep in mind the next time you make a invalid comment!

Widdershins · 15-09-2017 09:23PM

The holiday was stupid of him. I guess he didn't want to lose face. I'd be suggesting diverting x % of his money into a joint savings account and if that doesn't happen, split. I would not involve the parents. I don't think that's appropriate. I don't think he has to bow to them, that's not 'respect'.

Widdershins · 16-09-2017 09:52AM

On second thoughts. You love him but it's when you look at what other women are doing that you feel particularly unhappy?
Maybe making comparisons is part of the problem.

Should I leave this relationship

Comments