Should I leave this relationship

FriendFree93

I'm sure I've posted about this before. I feel like I'm in a bad relationship but I don't know if I am and I don't know if I should be helping or leaving.

It's been 12 years. No kids. Not married. Living together.

I love him very much. I believe he loves me but I don't know if it's enough. He's not very ambitious, I am. He doesn't save a cent, I do(I'm sensible, I save). I picked up his phone recently (please don't focus on this part of the post) and seen an account balance of -1200. He denied it even though I seen it. As you can see. He lies. A LOT. It can be about simple things. Saying he's on the way home when he's not, saying he will put the washing on and never does, saying he will move his shoes from the hall way and doesn't. Etc etc. When he drinks he is horrible, can't speak properly, starts fights with me etc.
When sober he will promise he will change and never does. He has cried because he is sorry for how he is. He promises that he is trying to save but instead it looks like he is in debt. We are in our 30s and I just feel like an idiot who gets walked all over.
We are just back from holidays and had a wonderful time but now I feel the debt I seen is my fault for making him go on holidays. He doesn't earn much (approx 400 and we live in Dublin)

I just don't know what to do. The thoughts of being without him hurts me so much. But I also feel the relief of us not being together would be a massive burden off my shoulders.

I'm so confused please help

ilovethistles

FriendFree93 wrote: »

I'm sure I've posted about this before. I feel like I'm in a bad relationship but I don't know if I am and I don't know if I should be helping or leaving

Hi OP, imo this is your gut speaking to you, but you do not reckognise it.

If you were in a happy healthy relationship you would not be confused like this.

In my blunt opinion I believe life is way too short to waste being miserable with a selfish liar. You and your happiness are worth more than he is giving. You deserve more.

Yes you will be sad for a while when the relationship ends, and scared and lonely and feeling weak, but this WILL pass and you WILL be stronger and happier.

Ending this relationship will also make room for you to grow and allow other possibilities to present themselves.

Don't waste another minute of your precious life being miserable, you owe this man NOTHING.

Be brave. Best wishes xx

pc7

We only have one shot at life, its too short to be filled with regrets and what ifs. 12 years is so long to give to someone who isn't making you happy. The fact you mention relief says it all. Life is for living, you can't make him change, his promises never happen. Set yourself free and live life!

Rekop dog

You're wasting his time more than he's wasting yours. 12 years is more than long enough to get an understanding of what someone is like and if they'll ever change. Not everyone in the world is ambitious, he is who is he is. Accept that or move on.

And probably wise to get some help for your insecure behaviours like looking through his phone. Most future guys you'll date will run a mile at first sight of such behaviours.

FriendFree93

I don't know how to leave. Where will I live? How will I get to work? I feel so trapped. Today is another groundhog Day of him hungover and sorry he drank so much. Denying he's in debt. Taking no responsibility. I know he feels stupid and embarrassed but that will pass for him like it always does.

pc7

FriendFree93 wrote: »

I don't know how to leave. Where will I live? How will I get to work? I feel so trapped. Today is another groundhog Day of him hungover and sorry he drank so much. Denying he's in debt. Taking no responsibility. I know he feels stupid and embarrassed but that will pass for him like it always does.

Ok first steps first. Have you a lease on current place? Can you afford it alone? Have you friends/family you could stay with? Have you looked at other rentals on daft (sorry not sure if it's his/your house or rental).

FriendFree93

pc7 wrote: »

Ok first steps first. Have you a lease on current place? Can you afford it alone? Have you friends/family you could stay with? Have you looked at other rentals on daft (sorry not sure if it's his/your house or rental).

It's a rental. I could maybe afford a month or two alone but not long term. I also don't want to live alone long term. There's no way he would leave he doesn't drive and couldn't commute to work like I could.

Rekop dog

Try find a house share close to where you work. It's obviously cheaper and you won't be living on your own. Seems you're making excuses when it's not that difficult at all.

pc7

Then give him and the landlord a months notice. As others say find a house share start looking today. How he gets to work is not your problem. He's a grown man he'll figure it out, if he doesn't again it's no longer your problem. You can't stay with someone just for convinence. Make yourself happy and move forward.

Wesser

Would you consider maybe telling him you are going to leave unless he changes and see if that changes his behaviour?

In relation to leaving.. . Where would you live? Somewhere else. You will find a house share if you are in Dublin. They are obstacles that you can overcome. Make the first decision first. Dont let thoughts if accomodation cloud this decisionm Then plan where you will move to . Then tell him .

FriendFree93

I know it's just a matter of finding somewhere else. I'm afraid as this has been my life for 12 years. I feel these are issues that wouldn't come with him getting older. Things weren't always like this. He is **** at managing his money. We are in our 30s can a relationship work when someone is so bad financially. ?

I make a bit more money than him but I've also more expenses - car, hair, insurance etc. Image to save and be comfortable. I suggested relationship counselling before but he shot that down. I'm currently trying to set up some counselling for myself.

BetsyEllen

FriendFree93 wrote: »

I know it's just a matter of finding somewhere else. I'm afraid as this has been my life for 12 years. I feel these are issues that wouldn't come with him getting older. Things weren't always like this. He is **** at managing his money. We are in our 30s can a relationship work when someone is so bad financially. ?

I make a bit more money than him but I've also more expenses - car, hair, insurance etc. Image to save and be comfortable. I suggested relationship counselling before but he shot that down. I'm currently trying to set up some counselling for myself.

Counseling will help you by talking about it and helping to get your head straight but it won't change your situation.
I ended my marriage 4 years ago and was very scared as to how I'd cope.
I thought I'd never afford living alone but funnily enough, once I had no choice I made it work.
I live in a 2 bed rented house and share with another girl now so things are much more affordable but I lived alone for over 3 years and managed.

My ex moved into a house share.

You have lots of options, you are just too caught up in emotion right now to see them all clearly. The counseling will be good for that.

You said you have some savings, maybe take a few days away by yourself to have a think about what you want.
He's not going to change, you know that.

99nsr125

If it was the other way around what do you think he would do,

how do you think he would fix things, if you can think like him and solve a problem the way he does that might give you a better ideal how to talk to him and get through to hin how you feel

FriendFree93 wrote: »

I'm sure I've posted about this before. I feel like I'm in a bad relationship but I don't know if I am and I don't know if I should be helping or leaving.

It's been 12 years. No kids. Not married. Living together.

I love him very much. I believe he loves me but I don't know if it's enough. He's not very ambitious, I am. He doesn't save a cent, I do(I'm sensible, I save). I picked up his phone recently (please don't focus on this part of the post) and seen an account balance of -1200. He denied it even though I seen it. As you can see. He lies. A LOT. It can be about simple things. Saying he's on the way home when he's not, saying he will put the washing on and never does, saying he will move his shoes from the hall way and doesn't. Etc etc. When he drinks he is horrible, can't speak properly, starts fights with me etc.
When sober he will promise he will change and never does. He has cried because he is sorry for how he is. He promises that he is trying to save but instead it looks like he is in debt. We are in our 30s and I just feel like an idiot who gets walked all over.
We are just back from holidays and had a wonderful time but now I feel the debt I seen is my fault for making him go on holidays. He doesn't earn much (approx 400 and we live in Dublin)

I just don't know what to do. The thoughts of being without him hurts me so much. But I also feel the relief of us not being together would be a massive burden off my shoulders.

I'm so confused please help

Bambi985

Wow. This sounds scarily similar to my ex of a few months. Same terrible money management, same drinking, same lying, same same same. I was also living with him in the loveliest little flat on a great side of town and nearly stayed with him several times after we broke up because the prospect of jumping back into the big bad world of flatsharing and going it alone scared the shizzle out of me.

But you know what? I'm fine. Breathing, living, creating a new life for myself. Heartbroken still, I loved him to bits in spite of it all. And he still drinks, still pisses money up against a wall and your fella will be the exact same in the next few months. I'm the opposite - ambitious and responsible and a saver and with every intent of buying my own place and moving my life forward in the next few years. It all feels that bit more reachable now that I don't have to worry about his debt and his frivolous spending and bad credit rating. Even if I never meet someone again, I'm better off without having to deal with that. Because it's not ME - and I don't think it's you either. Don't reduce yourself to it. You deserve a real bloody man, not a man-child! And there are plenty of them out there.

It's ok to fall in love with the wrong person. It's probably not an uncommon thing. But it's not OK to stay with them when all your sensibilities are screaming at you that it's wrong, that he's lying AGAIN when he's saying he'll change AGAIN, that you'll have no security and you'll wind up miserable. You know all of this already.Don't stay out of fear - you were an independent person before he came along and you'll be one again once he's out of your life.

One day at a time. Do you have any family or friends you could stay with for a few weeks while you get going with the flat hunt? Can you get onto daft.ie and start viewing rooms near your workplace after work next week? Remember this - whatever happens next will be temporary. You won't be renting a room in a flatshare forever. But it will be a major major step forward into a happier and more secure life than the one you currently have.

ETA: One thing my mother asked me at the time stuck in my head. "What has he got to offer you?" She didn't mean that in the material sense. I've always been ferociously independent and couldn't give a rat's arse what someone earns, as long as they're hard working and responsible with it. It was more about what kind of life we could build together. And when I thought about it, it was inescapable - we would be standing still forever. I'd never have a partner in the plans I had for my life - financial security, giving our future kids a good life, buying our own place, getting married some day. I'd always be on my own in trying to achieve those things, and what's more I couldn't fall back on any warm feelings of love and trust because the lying was getting to the point where I couldn't believe or respect him anymore.

So I'll ask you. What exactly has your boyfriend got to offer you?

FriendFree93

Bambi985 wrote: »

Wow. This sounds scarily similar to my ex of a few months. Same terrible money management, same drinking, same lying, same same same. I was also living with him in the loveliest little flat on a great side of town and nearly stayed with him several times after we broke up because the prospect of jumping back into the big bad world of flatsharing and going it alone scared the shizzle out of me.

But you know what? I'm fine. Breathing, living, creating a new life for myself. Heartbroken still, I loved him to bits in spite of it all. And he still drinks, still pisses money up against a wall and your fella will be the exact same in the next few months. I'm the opposite - ambitious and responsible and a saver and with every intent of buying my own place and moving my life forward in the next few years. It all feels that bit more reachable now that I don't have to worry about his debt and his frivolous spending and bad credit rating. Even if I never meet someone again, I'm better off without having to deal with that. Because it's not ME - and I don't think it's you either. Don't reduce yourself to it. You deserve a real bloody man, not a man-child! And there are plenty of them out there.

It's ok to fall in love with the wrong person. It's probably not an uncommon thing. But it's not OK to stay with them when all your sensibilities are screaming at you that it's wrong, that he's lying AGAIN when he's saying he'll change AGAIN, that you'll have no security and you'll wind up miserable. You know all of this already.Don't stay out of fear - you were an independent person before he came along and you'll be one again once he's out of your life.

One day at a time. Do you have any family or friends you could stay with for a few weeks while you get going with the flat hunt? Can you get onto daft.ie and start viewing rooms near your workplace after work next week? Remember this - whatever happens next will be temporary. You won't be renting a room in a flatshare forever. But it will be a major major step forward into a happier and more secure life than the one you currently have.

ETA: One thing my mother asked me at the time stuck in my head. "What has he got to offer you?" She didn't mean that in the material sense. I've always been ferociously independent and couldn't give a rat's arse what someone earns, as long as they're hard working and responsible with it. It was more about what kind of life we could build together. And when I thought about it, it was inescapable - we would be standing still forever. I'd never have a partner in the plans I had for my life - financial security, giving our future kids a good life, buying our own place, getting married some day. I'd always be on my own in trying to achieve those things, and what's more I couldn't fall back on any warm feelings of love and trust because the lying was getting to the point where I couldn't believe or respect him anymore.

So I'll ask you. What exactly has your boyfriend got to offer you?

This whole post has made me bawl crying because it's so familiar. I have no massive ambitions but I have some regular ones that aren't achievable with my current partner. Owning a house, travelling some more. I don't think kids are on my radar so that's a bit less pressure. He's so careless with his money. As I earn a bit more I have always offered to pay a bit more with regards food etc.

Because I love him so much I don't want to hurt him. I know that's not my responsibility but I can't bare the thought of being the reason someone has to leave their job and move back with their parents. I'm not making excuses that is how it is.

Toots

FriendFree93 wrote: »

Because I love him so much I don't want to hurt him. I know that's not my responsibility but I can't bare the thought of being the reason someone has to leave their job and move back with their parents. I'm not making excuses that is how it is.

But you wouldn't be the reason he had to do that - his inability to take responsibility for his life, and carelessness with money would be why. He's a grown man, he needs to be able to sort out transport and accommodation for himself. You're entitled to be happy. You're not beholden to him.

It's been 12 years and you don't have anything else or Independence. That's the issue. We can all let things go, sometimes alight annoyances are what we love about people. But that's not what you're describing OP. Without meaning to sound harsh (I don't know you) chasing when someone will be home tends to be a red flag when I see it in relationships, thankfully most realise early and it's either part of a bigger issue and it's done or it's rectified on both sides.

It's up to you, stay with the misery, maybe end up with a kid so that he's in hour life no matter what. Or try things alone. It might not be easy, it might be like the most natural adjustment you ever make. It's up to you whether you do it.

Bambi985

FriendFree93 wrote: »

This whole post has made me bawl crying because it's so familiar. I have no massive ambitions but I have some regular ones that aren't achievable with my current partner. Owning a house, travelling some more. I don't think kids are on my radar so that's a bit less pressure. He's so careless with his money. As I earn a bit more I have always offered to pay a bit more with regards food etc.

Because I love him so much I don't want to hurt him. I know that's not my responsibility but I can't bare the thought of being the reason someone has to leave their job and move back with their parents. I'm not making excuses that is how it is.

I completely understand those feelings. It's why I was half-in, half-out for a while after my breakup too. When you love someone and decide to break up, you don't just stop loving them and caring for them. But you do have to put yourself first - that is priority Number One. Otherwise you will be signing up for a miserable life for yourself and twelve more years will pass and you'll be even more trapped. You'll watch friends and family prosper and go travelling and buy houses and pass you by and you'll become resentful, bitter and negative. And what's more, you'll feel guilty for having these very standard ambitions and life goals for yourself. You'll experience no joy in the relationship anymore.

Your fella is a big boy and he'll get by no matter what. He might accrue more debt and land himself in more precarious positions in the process - let him find out about life the hard way. Sometimes people need a wakeup call to get their act together. You might well be doing him a favour in the long run.

Either way - this is about you and what's right for you. It's glaringly obvious that this man will never do a 180 and get his sh1t in gear. You can stay and try, try to coax him into relationship counselling, get him to see a financial advisor, have another carefully worded 'discussion'...how many more years are you willing to waste though?

FriendFree93

Bambi985 wrote: »

I completely understand those feelings. It's why I was half-in, half-out for a while after my breakup too. When you love someone and decide to break up, you don't just stop loving them and caring for them. But you do have to put yourself first - that is priority Number One. Otherwise you will be signing up for a miserable life for yourself and twelve more years will pass and you'll be even more trapped. You'll watch friends and family prosper and go travelling and buy houses and pass you by and you'll become resentful, bitter and negative. And what's more, you'll feel guilty for having these very standard ambitions and life goals for yourself. You'll experience no joy in the relationship anymore.

Your fella is a big boy and he'll get by no matter what. He might accrue more debt and land himself in more precarious positions in the process - let him find out about life the hard way. Sometimes people need a wakeup call to get their act together. You'd be doing him a favour in the long run.

That's exactly what it is. I'm seeing a lot of friends buying houses lately and even though I do a lot that they can't afford (I travel a good bit on my own) I feel a bit resentful that if I want a house it will be all responsibilities on me to do it. I don't feel the burden is halved.

I really hate the idea of being single too. I love the company, the companionship that comes with a relationship. Having someone to cook with in the evenings and cosy up to on the couch.

I just want someone who is my equal. 😔

Bambi985

FriendFree93 wrote: »

That's exactly what it is. I'm seeing a lot of friends buying houses lately and even though I do a lot that they can't afford (I travel a good bit on my own) I feel a bit resentful that if I want a house it will be all responsibilities on me to do it. I don't feel the burden is halved.

I really hate the idea of being single too. I love the company, the companionship that comes with a relationship. Having someone to cook with in the evenings and cosy up to on the couch.

I just want someone who is my equal. ��

Me too OP. I'll be honest, I'm fcuking hating "being single" at the moment. I spent a lot of my 20s single and what I loved about my relationship was the comfort of having someone to come home to, the partnership of having himself to make plans with, the warmth of falling asleep in his arms. Having your own little family. A relationship can be like your own little comfort zone.

I know I'll adapt and in time be ready to throw myself out there again, but I'd be lying if I was to say that this will be easy, that you'll be loving the single life and enjoying the novelty of doing whatever you want when you want. The truth is that you'll be lonely and heartbroken and this will probably be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. But people go through this every single day. And you too will get through this.

For me, it came down to one question. Who do you want to be? Do you want to be the kind of person who stays in a bad relationship that feels wrong in some way almost every single day, for fear of being single? Or do you want to be someone who listens to her gut, does the right thing and deals with the consequences? I'm a good person, a hard-worker with a strong sense of integrity and I deserve to meet my equal. I will probably always love my ex to some extent, but I got tired of ignoring all the red flags. It's exhausting OP isn't it? It's exhausting trying to lie to yourself about what's a big deal and trying to convince yourself that he'll change. I deserve more than compromising my own future for someone who quite simply would never change. And that's all there was too it.

It's going to be hard, really really hard. I still break down every so often (most recently in the shower today ). But you deserve to give yourself every chance at happiness. And I can guarantee you that staying with your partner will close the door to that future that you want for yourself.

FriendFree93

Bambi985 wrote: »

Me too OP. I'll be honest, I'm fcuking hating "being single" at the moment. I spent a lot of my 20s single and what I loved about my relationship was the comfort of having someone to come home to, the partnership of having himself to make plans with, the warmth of falling asleep in his arms. Having your own little family. A relationship can be like your own little comfort zone.

I know I'll adapt and in time be ready to throw myself out there again, but I'd be lying if I was to say that this will be easy, that you'll be loving the single life and enjoying the novelty of doing whatever you want when you want. The truth is that you'll be lonely and heartbroken and this will probably be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. But people go through this every single day. And you too will get through this.

For me, it came down to one question. Who do you want to be? Do you want to be the kind of person who stays in a bad relationship which felt wrong in some way almost every single day, for fear of being single? Or do you want to be someone who listens to her gut, does the right thing and deals with the consequences? I'm a good person, a hard-worker with a strong sense of integrity and I deserve to meet my equal. I will probably always love my ex to some extent, but I got tired of ignoring all the red flags. It's exhausting OP isn't it? It's exhausting trying to lie to yourself about what's a big deal and trying to convince yourself that he'll change. I deserve more than compromising my own future for someone who quite simply would never change. And that's all there was too it.

It's going to be hard, really really hard. I still break down every so often (most recently in the shower today ). But you deserve to give yourself every chance at happiness. And I can guarantee you that staying with your partner will close the door to that future that you want for yourself.

I agree with everything you have said. I wish I could go asleep and wake up and it's all changed. At some stage of every day there is something, some immaturity, some issue. As 30 something's things are supposed to be fun and we're supposed to know what we are about. He doesn't care about his bad money management. He allowed us to book a holiday knowing it was going to push him into debt. That is now on me because the holiday was my idea. He didn't have the balls to just put his financial situation first and for that I am so angry. Now I am left footing the last of the holiday bill.
Had he said he couldn't afford to go I would of appreciated the honesty and it would of saved me all this. He argues that he will still pay off the holiday but how can I take money off someone who is in debt.

punisher5112

Op to be blunt.... The answer is yes leave that waster.

I'm a guy and wouldn't dream of been like that. Not saying I'm perfect but one needs to have some focus on actually having something in life.

Colser

You've taken on more of a mother role in this relationship reading through your posts OP.Why shouldn't you take money from him,he had no problem going on holiday knowing that he couldn't afford it and letting you foot the bill in the end,I bet he doesn't feel guilty about that.Think about what he has cost you during the relationship and what you could have done with that money.

Bambi's posts are on the ball ,he's very unlikely to change and you deserve more .Lots of us have been there and we fully understand how difficult it is to make that break even when you know it's the right thing to do,it's heartbreaking but so is being taken for a mug over and over again.

They promise to change and all is great for awhile and then it happens again and you know it's never going to work.

Sometimes love just isn't enough unfortunately ,don't give any more ultimatums because you're only stressing yourself ,he'll be fine and you'll hopefully find someone that is more mature and doesn't need to be minded.

Don't be swayed once you've made your decision and prepare to feel like ****e for a long time but you'll know in your heart that you're doing the right thing in the long run.Good luck.

Dr Crayfish

In fairness the guy doesn't sound happy either, we only ever get one rather biased side of the story in these threads. Sometimes stagnant relationships really grind you down and leave you feeling hopeless and destroy your self esteem. Many men just carry on and continue as is rather than break up. I doubt you always saw him how you do now. It's probably run it's course though and itll be sad for both of you but a break up might be the kick in the arse he needs to get his sh*t together.

FriendFree93

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

In fairness the guy doesn't sound happy either, we only ever get one rather biased side of the story in these threads. Sometimes stagnant relationships really grind you down and leave you feeling hopeless and destroy your self esteem. Many men just carry on and continue as is rather than break up. I doubt you always saw him how you do now. It's probably run it's course though and itll be sad for both of you but a break up might be the kick in the arse he needs to get his sh*t together.

I agree that he is probably not happy either but for him it's easier go through the motions. Especially when he has no real drive to want anything else.

I agree only one side of a story is seen here. I'm not the easiest person to live with. I get really bad anxiety and I can be a pain in the arse. However, I own up to my flaws. I don't deny them and I don't think I'm faultless in any of our issues.

I'm awaiting a reply on counselling which I hope to attend early this week. I think it will help me see clearer.

I don't have a lot of friends so I'm afraid that being single will mean being single forever. That scares me. I wouldn't even know how to be single.

Bambi985

Great that you're looking into counselling. That will help you to look at things more objectively.

Don't stay with your partner out of fear. Please don't do this. Bring it up with your counsellor and talk through that fear, what it is exactly that scares you, why being single is an end-of-the-world scenario for you. Talk through it until it becomes less scary. And then make your decision.

I don't have a huge circle of friends either but I value myself more than settling for a dysfunctional relationship. You will too in time. Besides, there are so many dating apps now, meet-up groups, unlimited social events once you decide to get back out there. It's a little bit daunting when you're a 30-something, but you're also armed with more experiences and a wisdom that you didn't have last time round. Not a snowball's chance in hell will I end up with another guy who's not proactively looking to his future or who drinks away his pay check or who doesn't know his arse from his elbow when it comes to managing his money - not a hope. And it's still a bit terrifying, but I'm also still relatively young, attractive and a bloody catch! So I've got to trust that it'll all be ok. And that's better odds for me than the sure-fire bet that things were never going to change with my ex and I'd just lose all sense of who I am in that relationship.

Dial Hard

FriendFree93 wrote:

I don't have a lot of friends so I'm afraid that being single will mean being single forever. That scares me. I wouldn't even know how to be single.

I know it's very, very easy for me to say this as a happily single person but please do believe me, OP: fear of being single is possibly the worst reason there is to stay in any relationship. Particularly one as dead-end as this. I'm aware that that's a harsh turn of phrase to use, but it's apt in this situation, because this relationship is going nowhere.

FriendFree93

He claims now he will sort his debt out and won't be going anywhere or doing anything until then. I don't believe him.even if it's true if after so many years of working he hasn't got a cent to his name what is the point. I leave for an Asia trip by myself in a few weeks and I really can't wait for the head space.

I told him we would be better off with him moving out that I will stay here alone for a few weeks and he move home to live with his parents. He would be better off on the dole. He said he doesn't want to move out and he won't go. What now, do I pack my bag and move home to my parents and commute to Dublin every day nearly 90 minute drive? I just can't see an easy exit. I know once I tell my parents that there is no going back that they will remove him from the apartment for me.

Fysh

FriendFree93 wrote: »

He claims now he will sort his debt out and won't be going anywhere or doing anything until then. I don't believe him.even if it's true if after so many years of working he hasn't got a cent to his name what is the point. I leave for an Asia trip by myself in a few weeks and I really can't wait for the head space.

I told him we would be better off with him moving out that I will stay here alone for a few weeks and he move home to live with his parents. He would be better off on the dole. He said he doesn't want to move out and he won't go. What now, do I pack my bag and move home to my parents and commute to Dublin every day nearly 90 minute drive? I just can't see an easy exit. I know once I tell my parents that there is no going back that they will remove him from the apartment for me.

Either you think there's a real chance of salvaging things with him, or you don't.

If you think you can save the relationship, you need to decide what would need to change (and be specific - not "dont be crap with money" or "cut down the drink" but "work out a detailed plan to get free of debt within xx months and stick to it" and "limit the number of nights drinking to yy, and limit spending on it to zz" or similar) and get him to agree to that; discuss whether he has issues he wants to raise as well and if so agree some way of addressing them; then set yourself some deadline by which you review and see if things have improved enough for you to be happier. And be willing to walk out the door if things haven't improved by then.

Otherwise, you need to stop concerning yourself with what he wants and needs, and look out for yourself. Tbh, it sounds like you're already halfway out the door and you seem to think that it would take divine intervention to make your fella change his ways. And you tying yourself up in knots instead of just leaving and looking after your own interests is a waste of time and energy.

That being the case - why not use your upcoming trip as a hard line? With a provisional plan being to give your landlord and BF notice of your plan to leave on whatever date suits based on yiur travel plans, find a flatshare somewhere that'll do (it doesn't need to be great, just good enough to start with) and if need be move your stuff back to your parents' place temporarily. Look on boards, FB, meetup and wherever else for social groups based on your interests and start getting out to meet new people and make friends so that you don't feel isolated as it seems you currently do. Or if you tend towards the more introverted, find a new hobby you can start now to take up your attention.

Ursus Horribilis

You've been with him for 12 years so you know what he's like. He's going to promise you the sun moon and stars because he's sh*t scared of being single. If you split, be prepared for tears, pleading, promises... If you don't think he's capable of changing, then don't waste any more time.

I know once I tell my parents that there is no going back that they will remove him from the apartment for me.

Interesting statement, this. Do they dislike him? Do they know how feckless he is?

Naturally he's not going to want to move out. Who wants to go from living with their partner to back to mammy and daddy. Maybe this is the kick in the arse he needs to get his sh*t together.

Would you moving out be an option either? Move yourself into a house share for now and then get somewhere else down the line?

FriendFree93

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You've been with him for 12 years so you know what he's like. He's going to promise you the sun moon and stars because he's sh*t scared of being single. If you split, be prepared for tears, pleading, promises... If you don't think he's capable of changing, then don't waste any more time.



Interesting statement, this. Do they dislike him? Do they know how feckless he is?

Naturally he's not going to want to move out. Who wants to go from living with their partner to back to mammy and daddy. Maybe this is the kick in the arse he needs to get his sh*t together.

Would you moving out be an option either? Move yourself into a house share for now and then get somewhere else down the line?

What I mean by that is I only really tell them my final decisions as I think if I told them and went back they would never forget it and hold it against him.

Ursus Horribilis

Does your family like him?

punisher5112

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Does your family like him?

Highly doubt it with the they will have no problems kicking him out..

FriendFree93

punisher5112 wrote: »

Highly doubt it with the they will have no problems kicking him out..

They've no issues with him

However they're grudge holders so if I tell them there will be no going back

Stheno

FriendFree93 wrote: »

They've no issues with him

However they're grudge holders so if I tell them there will be no going back

How could they kick him out? Do they own the apartment?

FriendFree93

Stheno wrote: »

How could they kick him out? Do they own the apartment?

I never said they would kick him out. I said them would come up and remove him if they had to

Stheno

FriendFree93 wrote: »

I never said they would kick him out. I said them would come up and remove him if they had to

How could they do this? Is his name on the lease?

Stheno

FriendFree93 wrote: »

I never said they would kick him out. I said them would come up and remove him if they had to

How could they do this? Is his name on the lease?

FriendFree93

Stheno wrote: »

How could they do this? Is his name on the lease?

If they came up and asked him to leave he would. He wouldn't disrespect my parents. He's not a bad person in that sense

gobo99

FriendFree93 wrote: »

If they came up and asked him to leave he would. He wouldn't disrespect my parents. He's not a bad person in that sense

On what grounds would they go up and remove him from his own home. Do your own dirty work.

KazzieLou

This young girl does not need you judging her or questioning the way her parents act, she has asked for help and that's all that should be given no offense to anyone just feel she's not got what she's asked for.

Hi, Personally if I was you being in a relationship that long and hearing the outcome I would leave while everything is. I've had my own problems like this but instead of him working he was on the dole and a real mean tight man. I've learned the hard way from believing him until. One day I had enough and I got out. Best thing I ever did. You will not feel alone for long and soon some to terms you did the right thing.

Hope you find peace and hope in whatever you decide

gobo99

KazzieLou wrote: »

This young girl does not need you judging her or questioning the way her parents act, she has asked for help and that's all that should be given no offense to anyone just feel she's not got what she's asked for.

She asked for advice. My advice is keep Mammy and Daddy out of it. If she wants to break up she should pack a bag and leave. She can't just pressure him out of the apartment because she can't be arsed looking for somewhere else.
She says "she can't see an easy exit". Well there isn't one after a 12 year relationship. You can't end the relationship but opt out of all the inconveniences attached to the fallout.

4976340

Where do you want to be in five years time?
Would you like to be suffering through this relationship? You are probably codependent, you are making excuses.
What if you do have children, do you want children.
I hope you move on because you deserve better and in a relationship like this the only way is down.
Being alone is ok for a while and then there are plenty of ways you can date and find a nice person to live with?

Wesser

I think if it is you breaking up.with him then it is you that has move out. It gives you more power.

I don't see any difference between kicking some one out if an apartment and removing them.

KazzieLou

gobo99 wrote: »

She asked for advice. My advice is keep Mammy and Daddy out of it. If she wants to break up she should pack a bag and leave. She can't just pressure him out of the apartment because she can't be arsed looking for somewhere else.
She says "she can't see an easy exit". Well there isn't one after a 12 year relationship. You can't end the relationship but opt out of all the inconveniences attached to the fallout.

Yes but it's her that I would say is paying most bills etc as he's on very little money. He could always move to a friend's house. Why should she give up the house when she's contributing more than him. He has an easy life with her from what she has said. She should be entitled to stay put she's the bread winner in the relationship so it should be her choice to stay or leave if she pleases. Just saying.

Ursus Horribilis

Methinks the OP is looking for excuses not to break up.

Dial Hard

gobo99 wrote:

She asked for advice. My advice is keep Mammy and Daddy out of it. If she wants to break up she should pack a bag and leave. She can't just pressure him out of the apartment because she can't be arsed looking for somewhere else. She says "she can't see an easy exit".

Wesser wrote:

I don't see any difference between kicking some one out if an apartment and removing them.

She never said she was getting her mam and dad to do her dirty work, all she said was that *if* she told them it was over, they'd be up to get him out of the apartment immediately, there'd be no going back.

And that's a very big if, because, like Ursus H., I don't think the OP has any intention of breaking up with him. She's put up with this for 12 years already.

Daisy78

FriendFree93 wrote: »

That's exactly what it is. I'm seeing a lot of friends buying houses lately and even though I do a lot that they can't afford (I travel a good bit on my own) I feel a bit resentful that if I want a house it will be all responsibilities on me to do it. I don't feel the burden is halved. ��

Being resentful won't get you anywhere in the long run though. Without going into it I was in the exact same situation you are now some years back. Was in a long term relationship that had no future, with someone who prioritised drink over everything else. I had to make a decision whether to stick it out and hope he would change or bit the bullet and leave. I took the second option. I won't lie, the thought of going back to the single life in flatshares did not fill me with joy. And it was hard but I've become more resilient along the way. It's also made me realise that you can't ever really depend on another person to make a life for you, you never know what is around the corner, your partner could leave, lose their job, or even die. I'm in the middle of buying a house now, which I'm lucky to be able to do but sometimes it does nag at me, the thought of having to do this on my own when other friends have partners or husbands to help out. But that's the reality , if I don't look after myself nobody else wiĺl. And you will do the same when it comes down to it.

FriendFree93

To clarify.

We were teenagers when we met so had no money to have money worries back then. We were then college goers and also had no money to have money worries. This is not a 12 year problem. This is maybe a 2-3 year problem..

I am not asking my parents to do my dirty work. I said my parents would hold a grudge and if they knew what was going on they wouldn't like him any more making it awkward if the decision wasn't final. I've falling out with friends and told my parents and then got back friends with them and my parents were weird them them after.

Ursus Horribilis

So if he says he's not moving, what then? Will you just bury this and keep going as you are? Sounds like it.

Estrellita

You have become his new mammy. A relationship is not a good fit when you find yourself nagging someone to change. It's not your job to change him or make him grow up. Clearly your ideals do not match with his, and even if he does say he wants the same things he's not prioritising them in the same way you are.

He has probably grown to resent you a little because your proactive approach to obtaining the things in life just sounds like noise to him right now, and comes away feeling like a scolded little boy. Neither one of you are happy.

You're stuck in this relationship for the same reasons. You probably both love each other, but you've also grown apart. You're also both afraid of change. If he is saying he doesn't want to move out or things to end, it's likely he's just afraid too. Continuing this stagnant relationship is no good for either of you. If you both can't agree with that fact, one of you will have to take the step of calling it time first.

He has to start thinking and making decisions for himself again, you're not responsible for how he gets on without you. Just as you have to find your own new accommodation, so does he. Stop mammying him.

So move back to your parents till you get your room share. It might be a bit of a drive to work and back, but it's only temporary and it will motivate you to get your new place. Start the wheels in motion the changes you want to see in your life. He's not part of the plan any more.