Girlfriend wants to meet up with ex

needhelpguy · 26-08-2017 04:13PM #1

Hi folks,

I'm looking for some opinions here. My girlfriend and I have been together a year now and everything is going great. Yesterday she asked me if I was ok with her meeting up with one of her exes who is visiting the country soon. Honestly I wasn't comfortable with it, as I don't see why you would want to drag up the past like that. And I feel (rightly or wrongly) that there is always an ulterior motive from at least one of the parties.

She is from central europe, living here in Ireland and has a different viewpoint. She says she is friendly with all her exes and has met some of them from time to time in the past and nothing has happened. This particular ex is visiting Ireland and wants to catch up with her. She told me he has a long term partner and there is nothing to worry about, and she doesnt have feelings for him.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being unreasonable but I'm not comfortable with the idea of it. I do like the fact that she asked me straight up first. I don't have any reason to think she would cheat, but who knows. I can't stop her going, I guess all I can do is trust her that it's just a catch up.

Am I wrong to think like this?

zoobizoo · 26-08-2017 04:52PM

If I was visiting the UK, I'd call into see an ex of mine who I dated 20 years ago ...

Why? Because we keep in touch every so often and we're adults who are interested in each other's lives.....hardly dragging up the past.

amtc · 26-08-2017 05:46PM

I texted my ex for his birthday last week...and we've met up a couple of times. He lives in LA and when his mother died came home for funeral and stayed in mine. No issue with his wife or my boyfriend.

I would see a red flag if it was a deep relationship that ended badly on either side, but this sounds just like a nice friendship where they happen to be in the same country. Why not meet them later yourself?

suicide_circus · 26-08-2017 07:00PM

Does she have no friends?

I ask because I've noticed a pattern of a certain type of person who stumbles from one relationship to the next because they struggle to form friendships and it's the only way they know how to get close to people. Then once the relationship ends they want to "stay friends".

Youre not comfortable with it and that's fair enough. What are they going to reminisce about? "Remember that time we did it in the disabled toilets at the airport?"

Exs are for the past, if she can't leave him there then you got a problem.

Airyfairy12 · 26-08-2017 07:42PM

I wouldn't personally have a problem with it, she gave a very reasonable explanation as to why she's meeting him and theres clearly no romantic feelings between them. Not every relationship is deep/intense or ends on emotional terms so I wouldnt see it as dragging up the past, she considers them friends.

Big Bag of Chips · 26-08-2017 09:20PM

She asked you if you had a problem with it. You do. So tell her that! If she asked the question then she must have an inkling that you would be bothered. Otherwise she wouldn't have asked you, she'd have just told you.

Now, her motivation for asking mightn't necessarily be to reassure you, but more so to get an ego boost knowing that she has made you feel jealous and worried about her meeting up with an ex.

There may be nothing in it, but you are as entitled to lay out what you feel is appropriate in your relationship as she is. If you're not happy with it, then you're not happy. It's then up to her to decide does she go and do it anyway even though she asked, and you told her that it bothers you. If she goes and meets him anyway, it is then up to you to decide if you are happy to stay in the relationship.

LegacyUser · 27-08-2017 03:47AM

Of course she should meet him, especially as she is probably one of the very few people he knows here. I ring my ex girlfriend from 20 years ago at least once a month and as often as not get to chat with her husband when I call. I am also still very much single but very glad that she is long settled and happy.
What makes you so uncomfortable? Do you have other trust issues?

leggo · 27-08-2017 04:44AM

As said above, you're allowed be uncomfortable with what you feel uncomfortable with and express it. She's allowed do whatever she wants too, but then you're allowed make a decision about the relationship based on that.

Personally, active friendships with exes are a no-no for me. I say this early into the dating phase when it starts to look like it's becoming a relationship. I'd be on good terms with most of my exes and could text them if I needed something, and they me, but there are very clear boundaries there, especially when I'm with someone else. If any of my exes try cross those boundaries, they'll be told the situation very clearly and I'm willing to drop the friendship there to respect the relationship. I expect the same in return.

I know it's a no-no for me because I've tried it before and it's never not got messy at some stage: not like they were cheating with the ex, but there's always an unnecessary, uncomfortable element there. Even if it's just the ex being a bit of a dick to me and then having to deal with a partner's split loyalties as a result, when in my opinion there should be no split loyalties whatsoever. In my experience, I've also found that a certain kind of person keeps good friends with their exes (and that person isn't necessarily suited to a settled relationship - someone, generally with low self-esteem, who likes attention and values getting it off multiple sources above one partner). Of course there are exceptions and millions of people probably do it healthily with no problem whatsoever, but that's been my experience and I'm not going to ignore it either.

Wibbs · 28-08-2017 08:56PM

leggo wrote: »

In my experience, I've also found that a certain kind of person keeps good friends with their exes (and that person isn't necessarily suited to a settled relationship - someone, generally with low self-esteem, who likes attention and values getting it off multiple sources above one partner). Of course there are exceptions and millions of people probably do it healthily with no problem whatsoever, but that's been my experience and I'm not going to ignore it either.

QFT I also know that type you describe. A couple of them indeed.

However...

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Not every relationship is deep/intense or ends on emotional terms so I wouldnt see it as dragging up the past, she considers them friends.

This. IMHO and again in my experience it depends on the intensity of the relationship ship and how it ended. If it's a short term fling or faded out into friendship at the end then I've no problem with that at all. If it was one of those exes and relationships where it was moon in June love lost and that kinda thing then I'd be more concerned. Regular contact another Hmmmm moment. Particularly if it's more emotional contact. IMHO and IME that's way worse than a drunken snog.

That said my take on these things is if I'm with someone who wants to cheat/get back with an ex then there's pretty much nothing I can do about it other than force them together by being heavy handed. I'm also of the opinion that if someone wants to leave, then let them. Now at say 30 I'd not have been like that, but in the intervening years since I am.

Mr. Incognito · 29-08-2017 11:53AM

I'm not friends with any of my exes.

I dont get people who are.

I'd not be comfortable with it. And thats more important than meeting a friend.

This line needs to be clear early in the relatinoship.

Emme · 29-08-2017 05:13PM

Some people stay friends with their exes, some don't. The girl asked the OP would he be ok with it. If she said nothing and went ahead and met him behind her back he would have cause for worry. I think she should meet her ex with her current bf's blessing.

witchgirl26 · 29-08-2017 05:33PM

I'm friends with a couple of my ex's because I genuinely like them as people but there is nothing there at all romantically anymore. Or even much when we were together.

I think you should trust that if she's talking to you about it, there's probably little to worry about to be honest. She's not making out he's just friend, she's not being shady.

I've met up with an ex before who'd moved abroad and was home. There was no ulterior motive but just to see how he'd been getting on and have a laugh about some old times. Both of us have long-term partners that we live with. I was thrilled to see him looking happy and healthy but in exactly the same way as if he was just an old friend and not an ex. There doesn't always have to be an ulterior motive. And even if there is from his side, it doesn't mean anything will happen if your gf doesn't want to.

The Moleman · 30-08-2017 08:02AM

needhelpguy wrote: »

Honestly I wasn't comfortable with it, as I don't see why you would want to drag up the past like that. And I feel (rightly or wrongly) that there is always an ulterior motive from at least one of the parties.

In what way is it "dragging up the past" ?

Was there some major drama or heartache in the relationship or in how it ended? Or is "dragging up the past" just a bit of drama of your own?

Yes there can be an "ulterior motive" but do you think your girlfriend has one here? You either trust her or you don't? As to the guy's motive - it is irrelevant if your girlfriend isn't interested.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She asked you if you had a problem with it. You do. So tell her that!

This is pretty much it.

Pawwed Rig · 30-08-2017 08:09AM

I was always of the opinion that the past is the past and there is nothing to be gained by keeping contact with exes. It just causes doubt in the present. Relationships are hard enough without adding needless complications.

The Moleman · 30-08-2017 11:14AM

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I was always of the opinion that the past is the past and there is nothing to be gained by keeping contact with exes. It just causes doubt in the present. Relationships are hard enough without adding needless complications.

Not everyone has painful or overly dramatic romantic histories.

People can become friends after a break up or never want to see each other again.

To be honestly, exes being friends can be much healthier than hating, etc.

leggo · 30-08-2017 12:07PM

The Moleman wrote: »

To be honestly, exes being friends can be much healthier than hating, etc.

If, by friends, you mean hanging out, confiding in each other, doing all of the things you did in the relationship minus the physical side...then isn't it just two different strands of unhealthiness if you're with someone new? One is seething in negativity which conveys an inability to let go of someone from the past, the other is just an inability to let go of someone from the past. At conceptual level before taking other stuff into account, the close friendship alone is borderline emotional cheating, since your current partner should be your confidante and the person who fills that role in your life, so having anyone else is that role (ex or otherwise) is a slippery slope. At least with close friends there are pre-existing boundaries built into the relationship that allows partnerships with others to flourish, with exes you've crossed those boundaries and shown a physical desire for them, so that immediately contradicts any "I don't feel anything for them" claim that could be made. The two phrases "That's in the past" and "I still want them in my life" simply don't marry together.

The ability to let go is healthy. The inability to leave things in the past and be content, whether that manifests in a positive or negative way, is a red flag IMO.

jamesthepeach · 30-08-2017 12:13PM

My friend was visiting me from abroad and staying my house a couple of years ago.
He met up with some old friends the odd night.
One night he went out to meet an ex of years ago who was then married with children. He told me they were just mates and catching up when I told him she was married.
Next thing they come back to my place and the bed is hopping for hours.
Out she comes and says bye to him and heads home.

I am friendly with her and her husband and can never look at her as someone I respect anymore.
I actually hate being invited out to their house now.

Very awkward situation.

The Moleman · 30-08-2017 01:09PM

leggo wrote: »

If, by friends, you mean hanging out, confiding in each other, doing all of the things you did in the relationship minus the physical side...then isn't it just two different strands of unhealthiness if you're with someone new? One is seething in negativity which conveys an inability to let go of someone from the past, the other is just an inability to let go of someone from the past. At conceptual level before taking other stuff into account, the close friendship alone is borderline emotional cheating, since your current partner should be your confidante and the person who fills that role in your life, so having anyone else is that role (ex or otherwise) is a slippery slope. At least with close friends there are pre-existing boundaries built into the relationship that allows partnerships with others to flourish, with exes you've crossed those boundaries and shown a physical desire for them, so that immediately contradicts any "I don't feel anything for them" claim that could be made. The two phrases "That's in the past" and "I still want them in my life" simply don't marry together.

The ability to let go is healthy. The inability to leave things in the past and be content, whether that manifests in a positive or negative way, is a red flag IMO.

I meant to type "friendly" not "friends", but I didn't mean a person has be "BFFs" with an ex especially when one is in another relationship.

However, doesn't it all depend on the unique circumstances of each relationship? Not all friendships after a sexual relationship are unhealthy. There are too many factors and differences involved for them all to be bad.

The Moleman · 30-08-2017 01:15PM

jamesthepeach wrote: »

My friend was visiting me from abroad and staying my house a couple of years ago.
He met up with some old friends the odd night.
One night he went out to meet an ex of years ago who was then married with children. He told me they were just mates and catching up when I told him she was married.
Next thing they come back to my place and the bed is hopping for hours.
Out she comes and says bye to him and heads home.

I am friendly with her and her husband and can never look at her as someone I respect anymore.
I actually hate being invited out to their house now.

Very awkward situation.

She knows you know and is just not bothered with you knowing?

That is some level of brazen cheek all the same.

I don't understand that carry on - why go to the effort of a long term relationship at all.

If I were in your shoes I'd cut off all contact with your friend and the woman. Are you ever tempted to tell her husband? I would be very confused about what to do.

leggo · 30-08-2017 01:24PM

The Moleman wrote: »

I meant to type "friendly" not "friends", but I didn't mean a person has be "BFFs" with an ex especially when one is in another relationship.

However, doesn't it all depend on the unique circumstances of each relationship? Not all friendships after a sexual relationship are unhealthy. There are too many factors and differences involved for them all to be bad.

I wouldn't buy that we're all as unique and different as we'd like to think we are, but the varying factor is that we're all not perfect either. So people can meet and accommodate for each other's brokenness and flaws. People can make themselves okay with situations that others would be horrified with due to differing priorities and values. Which is why I'm sure loads can come on here and give perfectly valid accounts of situations where they're friends with their exes and in a happy relationship simultaneously, and I'd be inclined to take them at their word.

But is it 'healthy'? No I wouldn't say so as a rule of thumb. Is someone okay to have an issue with it if that's what a partner wants? Absolutely.

professore · 30-08-2017 01:26PM

YES! wrote: »

I ring my ex girlfriend from 20 years ago at least once a month and as often as not get to chat with her husband when I call. I am also still very much single but very glad that she is long settled and happy.

I find that very strange behaviour. Calling any of my exes once a month for a chat? I've got male friends for that. To each their own I suppose.

jamesthepeach · 30-08-2017 01:34PM

The Moleman wrote: »

She knows you know and is just not bothered with you knowing?

That is some level of brazen cheek all the same.

I don't understand that carry on - why go to the effort of a long term relationship at all.

If I were in your shoes I'd cut off all contact with your friend and the woman. Are you ever tempted to tell her husband? I would be very confused about what to do.

He's my friend. He would want to know why I suddenly hate her.
If I tell him then I ruin their marriage and the kids family splits up.
Terrible situation alright.

professore · 30-08-2017 01:50PM

jamesthepeach wrote: »

My friend was visiting me from abroad and staying my house a couple of years ago.
He met up with some old friends the odd night.
One night he went out to meet an ex of years ago who was then married with children. He told me they were just mates and catching up when I told him she was married.
Next thing they come back to my place and the bed is hopping for hours.
Out she comes and says bye to him and heads home.

I am friendly with her and her husband and can never look at her as someone I respect anymore.
I actually hate being invited out to their house now.

Very awkward situation.

Man that is awkward.

Yeah she told the husband they were "just friends catching up" too and why was he so controlling, had nothing to worry about etc etc etc. "Don't you trust me" is the biggest load of BS ever.

jamesthepeach · 30-08-2017 02:05PM

professore wrote: »

Man that is awkward.

Yeah she told the husband they were "just friends catching up" too and why was he so controlling, had nothing to worry about etc etc etc. "Don't you trust me" is the biggest load of BS ever.

I'm.sure neither of them thought it would end up like that. But it's so easy to have sex with someone you've had sex with before. Infinitely more likely than doing it with someone you've never been in the sack with before.

notsoyoungwan · 30-08-2017 04:02PM

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I'm not friends with any of my exes.

I dont get people who are.

I'd not be comfortable with it. And thats more important than meeting a friend.

This line needs to be clear early in the relatinoship.

Wow. Anyone who thought they could draw a line early in a relationship with me about who I could/couldn't be friends with would find themselves out of that relationship pretty sharpish. I find it astounding that relatively new boyfriends/girlfriends think they can lay down the law about people who have been in the other's life for a hell of a lot longer than them.

leggo · 30-08-2017 04:29PM

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

Wow. Anyone who thought they could draw a line early in a relationship with me about who I could/couldn't be friends with would find themselves out of that relationship pretty sharpish. I find it astounding that relatively new boyfriends/girlfriends think they can lay down the law about people who have been in the other's life for a hell of a lot longer than them.

What's wrong with letting someone know your personal boundaries early into a relationship? Surely it's better that and going separate ways before feelings are involved than trying to coerce them into going along with something they're not comfortable with? Someone effectively saying "I'm going to do whatever I want and you have to put up with it" is a massive red flag for me.

meeeeh · 30-08-2017 04:39PM

leggo wrote: »

What's wrong with letting someone know your personal boundaries early into a relationship? Surely it's better that and going separate ways before feelings are involved than trying to coerce them into going along with something they're not comfortable with? Someone effectively saying "I'm going to do whatever I want and you have to put up with it" is a massive red flag for me.

I could not be with someone that insecure. I am not jealous or insecure person and I would expect the same from my partner. Personally meeting an ex visiting the country wouldn't bother me unless there was some other more concrete reason for the lack of trust. But you are right it better to go seperate ways than end up in what would I consider suffocating relationship.

notsoyoungwan · 30-08-2017 04:47PM

leggo wrote: »

What's wrong with letting someone know your personal boundaries early into a relationship? Surely it's better that and going separate ways before feelings are involved than trying to coerce them into going along with something they're not comfortable with? Someone effectively saying "I'm going to do whatever I want and you have to put up with it" is a massive red flag for me.

I suppose it's that in these cases the new bf/gf wants the other person to change what they've been doing all along to suit their unease/insecurity. It's different to a boundary such as 'I wouldn't like X Y Z happening in the future", it's essentially " I want you to stop doing this, which you've been doing happily for years, because I, whom you don't really know all that long, am insecure, so change your outlook, pattern etc to appease that" . My attitude is "this is who I am, take me or leave me" - I have one ex I'm friends with, I have another who I'm not in any contact with but who I just have benign thoughts about and one who I never want to see/hear of again, but I don't think anyone in my life should think they are entitled to demand I end a friendship that's been in extstence for more than a decade now.

The Moleman · 30-08-2017 05:15PM

leggo wrote: »

I wouldn't buy that we're all as unique and different as we'd like to think we are, but the varying factor is that we're all not perfect either. So people can meet and accommodate for each other's brokenness and flaws. People can make themselves okay with situations that others would be horrified with due to differing priorities and values. Which is why I'm sure loads can come on here and give perfectly valid accounts of situations where they're friends with their exes and in a happy relationship simultaneously, and I'd be inclined to take them at their word.

But is it 'healthy'? No I wouldn't say so as a rule of thumb. Is someone okay to have an issue with it if that's what a partner wants? Absolutely.

Well, no people, relationships and situations are not infinitely unique and different, but there is great variety in the world.

And the rest if that paragraph I pretty much what I wanted to say but you've said it better.

Yes, it is okay for people like the OP to have an issue with it but I think it is healthy that people can meet an ex by chance or arrangement and be friendly, etc.

However, having had time to think, travelling across Europe to do so is very odd indeed. Is the OP's girlfriend ex here for work or a holiday or specifically to catch up with her?

meeeeh · 30-08-2017 05:36PM

The Moleman wrote: »

However, having had time to think, travelling across Europe to do so is very odd indeed. Is the OP's girlfriend ex here for work or a holiday or specifically to catch up with her?

As a Central European (coincidence, I have no insight into op's girlfriend's thinking) I can confirm I met people in Ireland that I would less likely meet in my home country. In over ten years in Ireland I never met someone from my home country except visitors who contacted me arranged to meet. I know no one who lives here. Ireland is attractive tourist destination, they came on holidays and were curious how I live and I wanted gossip about what is going on there. So I met relatives who I haven't seen for 30 years, friends who I never met when visiting home because there were so many others to meet and so on. I don't miss living in my home country and I love my life in Ireland but sometimes it's nice to meet someone with the same background.

I have no idea if that applies to op's girlfriend but I think it's way more likely the ex is travelling for some other reasons and just using the opportunity to meet with someone he knows.

leggo · 30-08-2017 07:17PM

meeeeh wrote: »

I could not be with someone that insecure. I am not jealous or insecure person and I would expect the same from my partner. Personally meeting an ex visiting the country wouldn't bother me unless there was some other more concrete reason for the lack of trust. But you are right it better to go seperate ways than end up in what would I consider suffocating relationship.

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

I suppose it's that in these cases the new bf/gf wants the other person to change what they've been doing all along to suit their unease/insecurity. It's different to a boundary such as 'I wouldn't like X Y Z happening in the future", it's essentially " I want you to stop doing this, which you've been doing happily for years, because I, whom you don't really know all that long, am insecure, so change your outlook, pattern etc to appease that" . My attitude is "this is who I am, take me or leave me" - I have one ex I'm friends with, I have another who I'm not in any contact with but who I just have benign thoughts about and one who I never want to see/hear of again, but I don't think anyone in my life should think they are entitled to demand I end a friendship that's been in extstence for more than a decade now.

You guys are getting quite defensive and throwing around loaded terms/thinly veiled insults now, and also just making up stuff that nobody has said. Just because someone doesn't share the same values as you doesn't automatically make them insecure/suffocating/demanding. I know I haven't, and I don't think Incognito or anyone else, said anything about demanding someone change...so that's just twisting something to suit your end. It's also quite an adversarial way to look at a relationship, one that could quite easily slip into emotional abuse, that instead of just hearing, respecting and accepting someone else's viewpoints and experience, you start hurling insults around in an attempt to shame them into conforming to your view, (i.e. "You are insecure if you disagree with me. You don't want to be insecure, so agree with me.")

What I did say was that people are entitled to be comfortable and uncomfortable with whatever they want and shouldn't feel pressured or obliged to go along with it at the other person's behest. On the flip side of that, the other person is also free to do what they want, I'm not suggesting the OP demand his girlfriend do what he says. If they share different values about this stuff and can't come to an agreement that keeps both happy, then that's a big deal and the OP may have a decision to make. All I and anyone else has said here, on that point, is that we let people know this early and suss potential partners out for how they feel so we're not caught in this situation down the line in the relationship and can simply go our separate ways early on. For me, at least, that's come from trying it open-minded in the past and finding out it wasn't for me because it always either directly led to problems with said exes or showed me a side of said partner I didn't like (attention-seeking, poor at or unwilling to set boundaries, fear of intimacy/letting go etc). So if someone does keep friends with their exes, there's a strong likelihood we won't be compatible because I'm not compatible with that kind of person. Somebody else may be and that's fine, I'm not obliged to accept someone and be with them against my will. Maybe this is the OP learning that he feels along the same lines.

Girlfriend wants to meet up with ex

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