Girlfriend wants to meet up with ex

Augme

While people either perfectly entitled to be comfortable/uncomfortable with whatever they want they should also spend time looking at the reasons why they are comfortable/uncomfortable with something. The OP needs to ask himself why he has such a big issue with his girlfriend meeting his ex because it is possible that reason will simply crop up in another form further down the line.

The Moleman

jamesthepeach wrote: »

He's my friend. He would want to know why I suddenly hate her.
If I tell him then I ruin their marriage and the kids family splits up.
Terrible situation alright.

I hadn't thought of there being kids involved. That would be even more of a weight to bare in knowing, I've never been in a situation like yours and maybe I am capable I saying nothing. I hope I never find out. I can tell you this though - I'd have had no problem walking into that bedroom and telling to flip off.

Did the woman in question ever talk to and ask you not to tell? Was she ever concerned you would? Or has she just acted like nothing happened?

notsoyoungwan

leggo wrote: »

You guys are getting quite defensive and throwing around loaded terms/thinly veiled insults now, and also just making up stuff that nobody has said. Just because someone doesn't share the same values as you doesn't automatically make them insecure/suffocating/demanding. I know I haven't, and I don't think Incognito or anyone else, said anything about demanding someone change...so that's just twisting something to suit your end. It's also quite an adversarial way to look at a relationship, one that could quite easily slip into emotional abuse, that instead of just hearing, respecting and accepting someone else's viewpoints and experience, you start hurling insults around in an attempt to shame them into conforming to your view, (i.e. "You are insecure if you disagree with me. You don't want to be insecure, so agree with me.")

What I did say was that people are entitled to be comfortable and uncomfortable with whatever they want and shouldn't feel pressured or obliged to go along with it at the other person's behest. On the flip side of that, the other person is also free to do what they want, I'm not suggesting the OP demand his girlfriend do what he says. If they share different values about this stuff and can't come to an agreement that keeps both happy, then that's a big deal and the OP may have a decision to make. All I and anyone else has said here, on that point, is that we let people know this early and suss potential partners out for how they feel so we're not caught in this situation down the line in the relationship and can simply go our separate ways early on. For me, at least, that's come from trying it open-minded in the past and finding out it wasn't for me because it always either directly led to problems with said exes or showed me a side of said partner I didn't like (attention-seeking, poor at or unwilling to set boundaries, fear of intimacy/letting go etc). So if someone does keep friends with their exes, there's a strong likelihood we won't be compatible because I'm not compatible with that kind of person. Somebody else may be and that's fine, I'm not obliged to accept someone and be with them against my will. Maybe this is the OP learning that he feels along the same lines.

Incognito was the poster I quoted and he clearly said that he would be uncomfortable with a g/f meeting her ex and that his discomfort at that was more important than the g/f getting to meet a friend of hers. Then he said that "line" needed to be clear early in the relationship. Not discussed, considered, worked out, just clear . No 'hearing, respecting and accepting someone's viewpoints'. Funny though, you didn't call out that level of controlling and domineering behaviour as potentially abusive though. And yes, dictating that one's right to be uncomfortable trumps the other's right to maintain a friendship and expecting her to yield to this is demanding she change.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for a new couple to discuss this as an issue if it arises, but I don't think that one party can demand that a friendship be ended because they're uncomfortable. Who knows how long the relationship will last? And why would someone risk throwing away a good friendship that may have lasted years or more because of a relatively new relationship that may or may not last?? In my case, I'm friends with one ex. I met him in 1999. We were together about 5 years, so we've now been broken up far far longer than we were ever together. He's one of my oldest friends. I ain't cutting him out of my life for a new fella who thinks I should just cos he's uncomfortable with it, and who may/may not be in my life for very long anyway.

professore

This attitude of "I'll do whatever the hell I like" is just as bad as telling your partner who they can and cannot see.

These things need to be discussed in a respectful manner.

meeeeh

leggo wrote: »

You guys are getting quite defensive and throwing around loaded terms/thinly veiled insults now, and also just making up stuff that nobody has said. Just because someone doesn't share the same values as you doesn't automatically make them insecure/suffocating/demanding. I know I haven't, and I don't think Incognito or anyone else, said anything about demanding someone change...so that's just twisting something to suit your end. It's also quite an adversarial way to look at a relationship, one that could quite easily slip into emotional abuse, that instead of just hearing, respecting and accepting someone else's viewpoints and experience, you start hurling insults around in an attempt to shame them into conforming to your view, (i.e. "You are insecure if you disagree with me. You don't want to be insecure, so agree with me.")

You made plenty of assumptions about people who remained friends with their exes. Btw I am not friends with any, I just don't think it's a big deal. It's not about agreeing or disagreeing, it's about trust. You either trust your partner or don't. Op didn't mention there are any other reasons not to trust his girlfriend, she doesn't seem to be in constant contact with ex, he didn't mention any unresolved issues. I can't see what is the problem.

leggo

meeeeh wrote: »

You made plenty of assumptions about people who remained friends with their exes. Btw I am not friends with any, I just don't think it's a big deal. It's not about agreeing or disagreeing, it's about trust. You either trust your partner or don't. Op didn't mention there are any other reasons not to trust his girlfriend, she doesn't seem to be in constant contact with ex, he didn't mention any unresolved issues. I can't see what is the problem.

I didn't, actually. I said that the people I've experienced who have been friends with their exes were like that, but I also made sure to clarify that I was sure there were people who did it fine without problems. "I'm just not going to ignore my own experiences," was, I believe, my exact phrase verbatim.

Trust is earned, not given, by doing trustworthy actions. Someone saying, "I'm over my ex", then saying, "Are you okay if I meet up with my ex?" is an inherently untrustworthy action to me, because it's a complete contradiction. With people I've known, this has been because there's a part of that relationship they're not willing to let go of, and often it comes at the expense of their current relationship. People who fear intimacy tend to spread their options and be a little bit, but never wholly, intimate and vulnerable with multiple people instead of one because they're uncomfortable giving one person the 'power', so to speak, to hurt them. So it's not even about lack of trust or thinking your partner will cheat with their ex, it's just tearing at a deeper problem within the relationship.

Again, that's not me saying that this is the case for all people who are friends with their exes. We all have our shortcuts and warning signs built up from experience, this would be one for me.

Dr Crayfish

Each to their own but I really can't understand why you'd be friends with an ex. I have one or two exes from years ago that I may have a slight curiosity as to how they're doing now, but that's about it. What am I going to do, ring them for a chat? Just seems bizarre. They're an ex because a relationship has run it's course. Maybe it's different for younger folk. People come and go in your life, including friends. I mean what would you even do to retain this friendship? A married man in his 40s meeting his previous lover or whatever for coffee twice a week to talk? How would his wife be comfortable with that? I don't really have any close female friends, nor do any of my friends when I think about it, so maybe that's making it harder for me to get. I just can't get my head around it at all.
To the OP - I can understand your frustration but it's a tough one because if you tell her you're not happy about it she may accuse you of all sorts.

homerjay2005

i think its bizzare that anybody would want to stay friends with somebody they once were in a relationship with.

keep in touch yes, but friends??? not needed at all.

Pawwed Rig

The Moleman wrote: »

Not everyone has painful or overly dramatic romantic histories.

People can become friends after a break up or never want to see each other again.

To be honestly, exes being friends can be much healthier than hating, etc.

I don't hate any of my exes. Not sure where that came from.

If previous relationships are gonna cause a problem why risk it?

meeeeh

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I don't hate any of my exes. Not sure where that came from.

If previous relationships are gonna cause a problem why risk it?

Sometimes exes are part of the same group of friends. Among my friends there were at least two former couples. Distancing themselves from exes would also mean to find new friends. Maybe less important in thirties when most settle and don't spend as much time socialising but in twenties friends often trump new gf or bf.

Mr. Incognito

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

Incognito was the poster I quoted and he clearly said that he would be uncomfortable with a g/f meeting her ex and that his discomfort at that was more important than the g/f getting to meet a friend of hers. Then he said that "line" needed to be clear early in the relationship. Not discussed, considered, worked out, just clear . No 'hearing, respecting and accepting someone's viewpoints'. Funny though, you didn't call out that level of controlling and domineering behaviour as potentially abusive though. And yes, dictating that one's right to be uncomfortable trumps the other's right to maintain a friendship and expecting her to yield to this is demanding she change.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for a new couple to discuss this as an issue if it arises, but I don't think that one party can demand that a friendship be ended because they're uncomfortable. Who knows how long the relationship will last? And why would someone risk throwing away a good friendship that may have lasted years or more because of a relatively new relationship that may or may not last?? In my case, I'm friends with one ex. I met him in 1999. We were together about 5 years, so we've now been broken up far far longer than we were ever together. He's one of my oldest friends. I ain't cutting him out of my life for a new fella who thinks I should just cos he's uncomfortable with it, and who may/may not be in my life for very long anyway.

You have added interpretation and conjecture to what I said.

Im comfortable with people meeting friends

Im not comfortable with meeting exes.

Exes who are friends are friends. I wouldnt need to be consulted if people are meeting friends

The clear line is that the relationship must come before exes demands. If someone is willing to put their exes demands before their current partner then thats an issue. Emotionally leaning on your ex over your bf is unnecessary drama and friction.

Rarely exes become friends. Mostly they dont. Thats why my generalisation applies.

Thats controlling how I expect to be treated. If my gf doesnt respect the relationship and boundaries with exes then she will not remain my gf

Most people who remain pals with exes are delusional as to their intentions or are keeping a flame / hope alive

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:

Can everyone keep in mind that PI is an advise forum and please continue to offer advice to the OP. Discussion on whether or not people have exes in their social circle is irrelevant. It doesn't seem to be the case in this instance.

Please only post to offer advice to the OP.

Big Bag of Chips

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

I don't think that one party can demand that a friendship be ended because they're uncomfortable.

Anyone, including you OP, has the right to ask for whatever they want from their relationship. The other person then has the right to agree to it, or not. If they agree fine, if they don't, they go their separate ways, safe in the knowledge that they weren't compatible to begin with.

Nobody has to stay in any particular relationship. And either person has the right to feel uncomfortable about something and walk away from it to find someone more likeminded if they feel strongly enough about it.

omagh776

I'm guessing she's Polish OP.

It's fairly normal for Polish people to stay friends with exes.

IMO Irish have a much harder time of being sensible about ending relationships and reasons for doing so.

I'd say the problem is on your side here and you cannot really control what she does anyway otherwise your relationship will take a downward spiral rather quickly.

professore

It's hard to know without context. If she can't stop gushing about him and buys a skimpy new outfit for the meeting and wants to stay out all night and goes into meltdown if you want to meet him, then it's very different than if you drive her up to a coffee house and she has a catch up chat for an hour or two, better still with you there.

Gut instinct means a lot here.

suicide_circus

omagh776 wrote: »

I'm guessing she's Polish OP.

It's fairly normal for Polish people to stay friends with exes.

IMO Irish have a much harder time of being sensible about ending relationships and reasons for doing so.

I'd say the problem is on your side here and you cannot really control what she does anyway otherwise your relationship will take a downward spiral rather quickly.

I think it's less to do with country of origin and more to do with passion. If a couple were intensely passionate together the chances of them being able to strike up a normal friendship when things go sour are very slim.

LegacyUser

suicide_circus wrote: »

I think it's less to do with country of origin and more to do with passion. If a couple were intensely passionate together the chances of them being able to strike up a normal friendship when things go sour are very slim.

Or quite the opposite and remember how good it was in bed . If I met up with one or two that were passionate in the bed well that it's the first thing I'd be thinking off.