The Mills and Boon-esque thread

The Moldy Gowl · 28-07-2017 08:30PM

Biggest lickspittle on boardz wrote: »

You've got a real sexy brain, has anyone ever told you that?

Please leave the cringey flirting to me.

osarusan · 28-07-2017 08:31PM

I was up in the attic one time when I was about 14 or 15, and while I as rummaging about looking for something, I found a box of letters my father and mother had exchanged around 25 years earlier.

I had a look and they started off sweet and romantic, but then turned...graphic. And I mean graphic.

Scarred me for years.

Barry Badrinath · 28-07-2017 08:36PM

osarusan wrote: »

I was up in the attic one time when I was about 14 or 15, and while I as rummaging about looking for something, I found a box of letters my father and mother had exchanged around 25 years earlier.

I had a look and they started off sweet and romantic, but then turned...graphic. And I mean graphic.

Scarred me for years.

Did you at least finish off first?

The Moldy Gowl · 28-07-2017 08:40PM

You had a guilty **** as well. Happens to the best of us.

Boom_Bap · 28-07-2017 08:58PM

The Moldy Gowl wrote: »

I was brought into this world to ruin organised fun and by god ill ruin it.

We dont even have Bismarks post that started it. Its a sham.
This is like wearing a johnny during sex.

Ahem, post #1

Barry Badrinath · 28-07-2017 09:53PM

It was just after Christmas and Jacinta and Anto were strolling arm in arm, locked at the hip around Dublin City.

It was a cold and crisp night as a myriad of festive lights clashed with the jagged edges of nightly shadows and projected a luminescent glow upon the looming dawn sky.

They paused their lackadaisical stride to gaze on the City, a City that seemed to exist exclusively for them in that moment. The background noises faded as they turned to each other and leaned in for a gentle, lip qwivering embrace.

In proficient synchronisation, Anto ripped open his urine soaked sleeping bag that he got from Lidl, three summers past while Jacinta brushed away the empty crumpled cans of 5 Lamps lager with military precision.

They fell in a lustfull heap on the bitter cold ground. Jacinta hurriedly exposing her sagging mid 50's rawhide breasts, complete with an unfinished Fraggle Rock tattoo and forcefully pointed them towards Anto's cross eyed, pudgy red hog jowel face.

Anto grabbed dem tittes and flung her to his side, bouncing her off the Papa Johns facade. He took a jockey position behind Jacinta as she got onto all fours.

He grabbed her fleshy hips as she turned her head back and stared straight into Anto's bloodshot eyes.

"Stick your fcuking bald headed giggle stick in my shyte pipe you skag monkey!!!" Jacinta ordered.

Anto acknowledged by slappin' her jiggle arse and ramming his rod into her gaping rancid hole. He fumbled for all but 45 seconds and unceremoniously collapsed in a heap on her meaty clammy body.

As the drugs kicked in, they passed out naked, still attached like two dogs as the sun rose and the commuters begain their day.

Cest fin.

buried · 28-07-2017 10:08PM

I had found myself in Benidorm. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh Benidorm, where sense goes to get skin cancer and love goes to get high quality prescription drugs without an actual prescription or the hefty price-tag.
I had wandered into a Karaoke night on the many Brexiteer bars along the glistening sea-front. The many Mojito beverages I consumed that week had turned my mind to a heightened sense of "ahhhhh sure f**kit", and it wasn't long before I headed to the Karaoke stage to perform an absolutely ferocious version of Phil Collin's "Something Happened on The Way to Heaven".
Many fine Bangable Brexiteer ladies were in attendance at this bar, all of them high on Sangria and the many 'ABBA' tracks they had screamed that night through the Costa del Blanca night time air. But one in particular had caught my half blind crooked rum soaked eye during one of my feroucious blasts of Collins classic chorus line of "How many Times must I say I'M SOOOOOORRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE".
A blonde peroxide haired maiden in a Union Jack patterned little black dress giving me a good old fashioned come-hither glance, and it wasn't long before I was by her side and her thin moustache. It also wasn't long before I had realised this lady was a great great great great deal older than I had thought and smelled heavily of many trips to the pharmacy
"Show me what really happens on the way to heaven you Duurteeee fahkin bastard" she sighed into my ear.
"Fine" I said "But you're paying for the cab sweetheart"
"No need for a fahkin cab" she replied "I got my own wheels right ere beside my fahkin high heels"
I glanced down, and saw this duchess had the newest model of ST2 Mobility Scooter in Ice blue chrome with retractable steering handle and shopping basket
And that's when I ran out the f**king gaff

donegaLroad · 29-07-2017 09:58AM

LadyMacBeth_ wrote: »

And by the way, if it happens in porn then it's totally normal :pac:

Porn gives young people an unhealthy and an unrealistic expectation of how quickly it takes a plumber to get to your house.

anewme · 29-07-2017 12:36PM

We were about six and eight and the Estate was filled with kids. It was Bin Day. One of the dirty owlads(as we called the Da's) must have fecked out a load of 'dirty books" and all the kids were fighting over them and tearing them apart, so much so that they ended up shredded and blowing all around the road. Each kid ended up with a page or two. The excitement was unreal. It was like all the kids had consumed 29 litres of coke and everyone was hyper.word spread and kids were legging it around gathering shredded pages.

I remember being utterly fascinated and not understanding why the naked women had cobwebs over their Mary's (we did not know what Pubic hair was)? Jaysus those women had cobwebs on their fannies, and then checking your own because I was terrified of spiders!

I was lucky as I was a fast runner and Bagged a whole book of poems(called rugby songs) which I managed to sneak into the house.

I loved that book and learnt lots of the poems off by heart and was so proud. My two favourites (which I can still recite by heart parrot fashion) were ...the doggies meeting and does your balls hang low?)

A couple of weeks later our boring Aunt and uncle visited for Sunday tea. They were posh and we got walloped for laughing when Georgie the budgie got out of his cage and **** on Christies baldy head.

To try and make us behave my uncle said, will you give us an aul song or a poem that you learnt in school.
Ah no.
Ah go on.
Ah no.
Just a little one?
I looked at my Ma.
I'll say a little poem!
And what's it called.
Oh Darling Grace.
Ah lovely.

I cleared my throat.Head up, chest out.

Oh Darling Grace I love your face, I love you in your nightie,
but when the moonlight flits across your tits, oh Jesus Christ almighty.

Surreptitious · 05-08-2017 02:10AM

Ricardo rode into the sunset on his sleek, black stallion. His long mane blew in the subtle, gentle breeze casting slight shadow on his chiselled, manly features. He knew it would not be long until he saw his loved one again.
The Contessa lay on her satin sheets luxuriating whilst the light dwindled in her boudoir. 'Oh, Ricardo', she thought, 'where are you while my soul is empty and my lions are unfufilled?' As morning broke upon the Italian villa, the Contessa was awoken by a sudden knock on her mahogany doors. Ricardo swept into the room with a wild eyed stance, his thick thighs clothed by his riding garb. Swiftly he grasped his lady and soaked in the scent of her hair perfumed with blossoms. As their eyes met, the two became entangled in a lover's embrace. Deftly removing her scant clothing, he kissed her neck and slowly moved down to her rosebud nipples which were pink and hard. She moaned, loudly. His dark skinned hands met her love triangle and edged softly into its wetness. 'I'm ready', she gasped. His engorged member entered and rhythmically together they danced the everlasting dance of a thousand lovers.
Lying back against the silk pillows, the Contessa wept silently. She knew, somehow, that Ricardo's debt could not be repaid and his life was to be taken that eve in the gallows on the green hill. There were no more words exchanged between them. They both knew fate always wins true.

The Mills and Boon-esque thread

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