The Mills and Boon-esque thread

Aongus Von Bismarck

I've been in a relationship that involved a significant age difference. In my case, a young and dashing 32 year old; in her case, an extremely attractive 51 year old. 

I had emerged from a dramatic and traumatic relationship with the Baroness. I was questioning everything - my place as an expat here in Germany; my role within the bank that I worked for at the time; my ability to ever achieve a 38 minute 10k run again. 

I got talking to a rather serious looking woman at the opening of a modern art installation here in Frankfurt. She felt that the piece was a nostalgic perspective on the last vestiges of  the Soviet era, while I felt it was it was a siren call for the 2nd generation of the former East Germany to let their flock roam free. We disagreed on what the art meant, but decided to head to a local wine bar for a good bottle of Italian pinot noir. 

Three months later, and I was very ready to leave this relationship. The love-making moved from the vigorous to the semi-violent on her behalf. Some of it was sensational. The post-coital conversations usually involved cigarettes, and the creation of a 'creative space' here in Frankfurt, like they supposedly had in Danzig during the Cold War. She was an architect, but her vision was the very essence of Brutalism. 

I extracted myself from the entire relationship, and started my mediation practice. A practice that has done more for me than any college course, work challenge, or life speed bump.

LadyMacBeth_

jonnycivic wrote: »

Can i swim with yas too

"And the three of them laughed heartily and frolicked in the balmy water, such was their gaiety that they didn't notice the gradual descent of the golden sun which cast their bodies in a soft caramel light. Nor did the two men notice how engorged their penises had become."

I should write for Mills and Boon :P

Dial Hard

LadyMacBeth_ wrote: »

"And the three of them laughed heartily and frolicked in the balmy water, such was their gaiety that they didn't notice the gradual descent of the golden sun which cast their bodies in a soft caramel light. Nor did the two men notice how engorged their penises had become."

I should write for Mills and Boon :P

We need a new thread, a bit like the Describe Your First Sexual Experience using MS Paint one, only in Mills & Boon language.

Kimbot

Dial Hard wrote: »

We need a new thread, a bit like the Describe Your First Sexual Experience using MS Paint one, only in Mills & Boon language.

Describe your Life in Mills & Boon style

Aongus inspired me, as he often does, to put my thoughts into words. I have very thoughty thoughts.

This morning as the sun rose over the ocean, I rose wearily to face the long drive home. It had been a balm for my weary soul to spend time with the family, and I had the memories of swimming in the ocean laughing at my fathers attempts to master a paddle board while my mother looked fondly on to sustain me, but I have my life to live and to return to. It was with a weary heart that I bade them farewell. A troubled shadow crossed my beloved Grandmothers face as I climbed behind the steering wheel, and I swallowed hard to suppress the lump that appeared in my throat as she smiled, and blew one last kiss. My darling mother, preparing for a journey of her own, waved a little too cheerily in a valiant attempt to spare me her pain at our imminent separation.

The journey was uneventful, I only stopped to refuel both myself and my nondescript car. 'That car is a metaphor for my life' I thought randomly as I chewed on a tasteless doughnut, understated, ordinary, but comfortably functional.

At last I pulled into the driveway of my new home. What was waiting for me behind that front door, I wondered. As I turned the key and pushed the door open, I realized that whatever was waiting for me would be something I have to face head-on, as an adult, a woman in control of my life and my future, and that nothing - not even my worse fear - could change that. It was up to me, and only me, to take responsibility for whatever I was about to discover.

As I walked through the cool interior, shaded by the as yet unopened drapes, I realized the worst had indeed happened. The evidence before me was unmistakable and incontrovertible, and profoundly distressing. I was out of both milk and teabags.

I logged into Boards.ie to catch up on the news in an attempt to cheer myself. Is Permabear revealing yet more detail of his profoundly extraordinary life? Did Aongus Von Bismark post again to the delight of his adoring fans - including me? Did Re-Reginald re-reg? Did someone else re-reg, pretending to be Re-Reginald? Did anyone even care, besides me? Did I really care myself?




So much fiction has been posted on this thread that I thought I'd try my own hand at florid Mills and Boons style prose. I think I've found my calling.

TL:DR Long uneventful drive home, have to pick up tea and milk.

Kimbot

Candie wrote: »

Aongus inspired me, as he often does, to put my thoughts into words. I have very thoughty thoughts.

TL:DR Long uneventful drive home, have to pick up tea and milk.

Nailed it

Boom_Bap

Let's get all Mills and Boon with our writing :P

I've merged in posts from another thread that sparked this idea.

Ken.

Calling Trent. Where for arth thou Trent.

The Moldy Gowl

Its not as fun when you make it organised so nahhh kiid.

The Moldy Gowl

The Moldy Gowl wrote: »

Its not as fun when you make it organised so nahhh kiid.

You're so contrary

The Moldy Gowl

bluewolf wrote: »

You're so contrary

I was brought into this world to ruin organised fun and by god ill ruin it.

We dont even have Bismarks post that started it. Its a sham.
This is like wearing a johnny during sex.

Barry Badrinath

The Moldy Gowl wrote: »

I was brought into this world to ruin organised fun and by god ill ruin it.

We dont even have Bismarks post that started it. Its a sham.
This is like wearing a johnny during sex.

You fell out of your aul ones vag while she was running for the bus.

Hup outta that!

tomwaterford

Senor Fancy Pants wrote: »

You fell out of your aul ones vag while she was running for the bus.

Hup outta that!

^^^^

Very mills and boon-esque






***have never read them....

Erik Shin

The Moldy Gowl wrote: »

I was brought into this world to ruin organised fun and by god ill ruin it.

We dont even have Bismarks post that started it. Its a sham.
This is like wearing a johnny during sex.

Tinfoil is where it's at !
Mills and Boon does S&M

LadyMacBeth_

I'm actually tempted to download some erotica now. Haven't read Mills & Boon since I was a young wan (stealing my mum's books) and couldn't get my hands on porn yet. Thankfully I have a kindle now so nobody will see what I'm reading, the shame.

LadyMacBeth_

LadyMacBeth_ wrote: »

I'm actually tempted to download some erotica now. Haven't read Mills & Boon since I was a young wan (stealing my mum's books) and couldn't get my hands on porn yet. Thankfully I have a kindle now so nobody will see what I'm reading, the shame.

I found boxes of M&Bs and VC Andrews in my Grandfathers house, a relic from one of my aunts teenage years. I was about 12, all the innuendo and veiled references went completely over my head, but it didn't stop me devouring the stuff.

Ah, the innocence of youth.

The Moldy Gowl

Senor Fancy Pants wrote: »

You fell out of your aul ones vag while she was running for the bus.

Hup outta that!

A bus?
We werent scum.

It was on lough derg after father won the regatta.

The Moldy Gowl

Candie wrote: »

I found boxes of M&Bs and VC Andrews in my Grandfathers house, a relic from one of my aunts teenage years. I was about 12, all the innuendo and veiled references went completely over my head, but it didn't stop me devouring the stuff.

Ah, the innocence of youth.

I printed off porn and the printer broke so when mother moldy went to print something she got an awful surprise of 2 blondes fingering the gees off each other on a swing.

Kimbot

The Moldy Gowl wrote: »

This is like wearing a johnny during sex.

But you love wearing me like a glove baby :P

Kimbot

The Moldy Gowl wrote: »

I printed off porn and the printer broke so when mother moldy went to print something she got an awful surprise of 2 blondes fingering the gees off each other on a swing.

Suprise or ladyhorn?

The Moldy Gowl

The Moldy Gowl wrote: »

I printed off porn and the printer broke so when mother moldy went to print something she got an awful surprise of 2 blondes fingering the gees off each other on a swing.

You mean:

When, in my youth, I found my essence rising and no welcoming outlet for the tumescence overwhelming my body, I sought to appease my yearning by casting my eyes upon comely maidens, unbeknownst to themselves. My plan was to take the issue in hand, until the issue was spent in my hand.

Sadly, the mysterious machinery thwarted my intention, and I was left to contemplate my condition and alternative means of placating it.

Not long after, I heard a yelp of surprise! Mater, so often pliant and placid, had become incensed at finding the remaining evidence of my former intent, and in her confusion had given voice to her displeasure.

LadyMacBeth_

The Moldy Gowl wrote: »

I printed off porn and the printer broke so when mother moldy went to print something she got an awful surprise of 2 blondes fingering the gees off each other on a swing.

Sounds like the beginning of one of those incest porn videos.

And by the way, if it happens in porn then it's totally normal :pac:

New Home

Candie wrote: »

You mean:

When, in my youth, I found my essence rising and no welcoming outlet for the tumescence overwhelming my body, I sought to appease my yearning by casting my eyes upon comely maidens, unbeknownst to themselves. My plan was to take the issue in hand, until the issue was spent in my hand.

Sadly, the mysterious machinery thwarted my intention, and I was left to contemplate my condition and alternative means of placating it.

Not long after, I heard a yelp of surprise! Mater, so often pliant and placid, had become incensed at finding the remaining evidence of my former intent, and in her confusion had given voice to her displeasure.

Candie, you've found your true calling - you're wasted in *insert Candie's current field of work here*.

The Moldy Gowl

LadyMacBeth_ wrote: »

Sounds like the beginning of one of those incest porn videos.

And by the way, if it happens in porn then it's totally normal :pac:

You mean like a young man and an older motherly figure type?
Nah that would be too weird.

New Home

New Home wrote: »

Candie, you've found your true calling - you're wasted in *insert Candie's current field of work here*.

I know! I've discovered my niche!

LadyMacBeth_

LadyMacBeth_ wrote: »

Sounds like the beginning of one of those incest porn videos.

And by the way, if it happens in porn then it's totally normal :pac:

And there's stats to support that!

Yourself isit

The Moldy Gowl wrote: »

Its not as fun when you make it organised so nahhh kiid.

He said haughtily.

Conor Bourke

The Moldy Gowl wrote: »

You mean like a young man and an older motherly figure type?
Nah that would be too weird.

A young girl and an older fatherly figure type though?

Oh wait...

:pac:

Biggest lickspittle on boardz

Their eyes met across the crowded dance floor at Coppers, and it was lust at first sight. Or at least his one good eye, anyway. A freak scrabble accident had rendered him blind in his left eye at 12 years of age, but the working eye had locked in like an infra-red missile on Jacinta. Her personality shone through her choice of clothing and jewellery. Not many women would have the confidence to pull off a pink leather catsuit at 19 stone, but then again Jacinta wasn't one to worry about what people thought of her. The facial piercings were testament to that, as was her daring tattoo of a pair of testicles wedged in between her sagging dog-eared breasts. It was the kind of thing that might not work on most people, but she was convinced she was able to strike a comfortable balance between edgy and trashy.

At first, John was hesitant as his own BO was distinctly pungent, even amongst the notoriously sweaty regulars at Coppers. But he was a firm believer in seizing the moment, and throwing caution to the wind. His litany of driving offences and appearances before the circuit court were testament to that. He decided to abandon his usual policy of 'if you can't lift her, don't shift her'. After barging her friends out of the way, he ploughed straight in with the best material he could muster at 2:48am on a June bank holiday Monday morning. "How's your belly for a lodger, babe?" he blurted out. Jacinta cackled a throaty laugh in a way that only a chain smoker and raging alcoholic could do. He knew immediately he was onto a winner. Years of experience had taught him when to hold, and when to fold. And he was holding. But he know the brief window of opportunity needed to be capitalised on.

"Aaaaah heyooorr, me belly's had enough lodgers! Get me a drink, but first I want your name and how much land you.." Before Jacinta could even finish, John followed up his rapier wittiness with his trademark 'lob the gob' technique. The stale aroma of Benson and Hedges was fused with the flavour of WKD vodka in an strange but compelling mixture of sugary smoked saliva as their mouths became one. "I haven't tasted something like that since old Mister Sullivan's first aid classes back in the boy scouts" he noted to himself. He was always curious about why Mister Sullivan needed to practise his techniques on John alone and blindfolded behind the run down cinema. It was one of those great mysteries that would just have to go unsolved.

A tremendous surge of energy pulsed through his loins as she sucked on his tongue like a newborn calf on a mothers teat; it was then he knew he must have her immediately, and the feeling was mutual. They both elbowed and stumbled their way to the nearest bathroom as though they were fighting to get on the last chopper out of Saigon. Having secured the stall with the least amount of vomit around the toilet seat, their passions were let loose on each other.

He delicately rolled back the rubbery folds of fat until his turf encrusted fingernails finally settled on a distinctive wet patch. 'The old tart is well oiled' he thought to himself. He knew now that his Rasputin like sexual prowess had once again struck gold. "Oh sorry love....I should have warned you about that. I'm on tablets at the moment and I leak a bit from the back passage sometimes. Just drop the paw a bit lower and horse it into me". Despite this initial setback, he was more than happy to oblige. He was well used to the smell of manure from working on his small dairy farm in Leitrim. And his skid marked y-fronts weren't exactly perfect after the four day Guinness bender he was on. He was happy to forego what biology teachers would call heavy petting, or foreplay. He wasn't a fan of the 'fancy shyte' as he called it. After all, he wasn't some new fangled D4 metrosexual. "And 'twas far from foreplay you were reared", he told himself.

Months of pent up sexual frustration were let loose in a symphony of grasping, grunting, and the occasional dry retch as the remnants of smega and dingleberries were sucked and licked clean in an explosion of carnal lust. To an outside observer, it may have seemed like a re-enactment of a walrus mating from a David Attenborough show. But to these two strangers, it was a delightful indulgence of the flesh. He thrust his engorged member into the first cavity he could find. Despite her protests, his rhythm was now firmly established, and before he knew it the unmistakable dribbles of ejaculate were coursing through his semi-flaccid member. He made a mental note to avoid whiskey from now on as it affected his performance slightly. Those 30 seconds of passion were more than enough, though. He had fulfilled his mission for the night. He delicately but enthusiastically wiped his dripping member across the back of her head, and was already pounding towards the exit door as she struggled to her feet in the pools of urine.

'I never got you name, loverboy!' she grunted. And she never would. The Leitrim casanova was gone into the night as quickly as he appeared.




This short story was inspired by Alan Shatter's 'Laura'; available in all good bookshops.

Biggest lickspittle on boardz

Candie wrote: »

You mean:

When, in my youth, I found my essence rising and no welcoming outlet for the tumescence overwhelming my body, I sought to appease my yearning by casting my eyes upon comely maidens, unbeknownst to themselves. My plan was to take the issue in hand, until the issue was spent in my hand.

Sadly, the mysterious machinery thwarted my intention, and I was left to contemplate my condition and alternative means of placating it.

Not long after, I heard a yelp of surprise! Mater, so often pliant and placid, had become incensed at finding the remaining evidence of my former intent, and in her confusion had given voice to her displeasure.

You've got a real sexy brain, has anyone ever told you that?

Rumpy Pumpy

Nuala turned down the dimmer switch in the bedroom of her flat in Rathmines, and sighed in eager anticipation. She had recently moved to Dublin to work in a bank, and to sample the myriad delights of living in a big city. She'd had a few too many drinks in Rody Bolands, and had been seduced by the charms of a large, brooding, ginger-haired policeman. Her body and mind had experienced sensations so long repressed due to the crushing dullness of small town life, and the strict religious upbringing instilled in her by her parents. They kissed beside the smoking machine, as the sounds of Bon Jovi filled the air.

"Feck Mammy" she thought, as she took off her cardigan, "I can do what I want up here in Dublin".

There he stood, at the end of the bed, reeking of Guinness and fags, the musk of his masculinity. He peeled off his shirt, revealing a large, protruding stomach, and hairy nipples. Off came his Wrangler's with the smooth movements of a man who had done this before - a master of seduction. There he stood - proud; his Penny's y-fronts scarcely concealing the result of his most base desires.

"Jaysus pet, you look lovely. You've me buckled with the horn".

She slipped in under the covers of her bed, and got undressed. He hauled down his y-fronts, revealing a small angry purple erection, buttressed by a set of hairy, sweaty, ginger testicles.

The heavy and cloying smell of Lynx Jungle, Guinness, B&H's, and sweat overwhelmed her, as he started greedily feeling her breasts.

"Jaysus, tis like one of ZZ Top's beards down there love"

She had read about the new grooming styles in her copy of Woman's Way; the way the Dublin women liked to keep things under control. She had so much to learn about the ways of love.

"Give us a minute there darling, and I'll wrap the sausage", he grunted, as he tore open a condom and fumbled to place it on his turgid mickey. "Fúck it, I think I put it on the wrong way round". He cursed profusely as he struggled under the duvet.

"There you go, brace yourself darling" he exclaimed as he rolled on top of her. Her hands moved through the dense hair on his back, and he thrust inside her. Oh Eugene! One, two, three -then a crashing roar as he spent a load of man porridge.

He rolled off her, and got out of the bed. "I've to go for a piss love, but I must say, you've a fanny like a mouse's ear" he said, as he moved towards the en-suite, before letting a huge, beefy fart go, his arsé fluttering with his endeavour. "Better out than the gable end of a house" he quipped, before going into the bathroom, and taking a huge piss without lifting the toilet seat. "couple of drops left there as a memory love".

He returned, got back into the bed, and rolled over on his back. Moments passed, Nuala in the raptures of love, Eugene in the middle of his petite mort. "See you in the morning pet".

Nuala smiled, as his deep and guttural snoring filled her small room. She had met the man of her dreams, a confident and generous lover, who also had a steady government job, and some land down in Roscommon.

The Moldy Gowl

Biggest lickspittle on boardz wrote: »

You've got a real sexy brain, has anyone ever told you that?

Please leave the cringey flirting to me.

osarusan

I was up in the attic one time when I was about 14 or 15, and while I as rummaging about looking for something, I found a box of letters my father and mother had exchanged around 25 years earlier.

I had a look and they started off sweet and romantic, but then turned...graphic. And I mean graphic.

Scarred me for years.

Barry Badrinath

osarusan wrote: »

I was up in the attic one time when I was about 14 or 15, and while I as rummaging about looking for something, I found a box of letters my father and mother had exchanged around 25 years earlier.

I had a look and they started off sweet and romantic, but then turned...graphic. And I mean graphic.

Scarred me for years.

Did you at least finish off first?

The Moldy Gowl

You had a guilty **** as well. Happens to the best of us.

Boom_Bap

The Moldy Gowl wrote: »

I was brought into this world to ruin organised fun and by god ill ruin it.

We dont even have Bismarks post that started it. Its a sham.
This is like wearing a johnny during sex.

Ahem, post #1

Barry Badrinath

It was just after Christmas and Jacinta and Anto were strolling arm in arm, locked at the hip around Dublin City.

It was a cold and crisp night as a myriad of festive lights clashed with the jagged edges of nightly shadows and projected a luminescent glow upon the looming dawn sky.

They paused their lackadaisical stride to gaze on the City, a City that seemed to exist exclusively for them in that moment. The background noises faded as they turned to each other and leaned in for a gentle, lip qwivering embrace.

In proficient synchronisation,  Anto ripped open his urine soaked sleeping bag that he got from Lidl, three summers past while Jacinta brushed away the empty crumpled cans of 5 Lamps lager with military precision.

They fell in a lustfull heap on the bitter cold ground. Jacinta hurriedly exposing her sagging mid 50's rawhide breasts, complete with an  unfinished Fraggle Rock tattoo and forcefully pointed them towards Anto's cross eyed, pudgy red hog jowel face.

Anto grabbed dem tittes and flung her to his side, bouncing her off the Papa Johns facade. He took a jockey position behind Jacinta as she got onto all fours.

He grabbed her fleshy hips as she turned her head back and stared straight into Anto's bloodshot eyes.

"Stick your fcuking bald headed giggle stick in my shyte pipe you skag monkey!!!" Jacinta ordered.

Anto acknowledged by slappin' her jiggle arse and ramming his rod into her gaping rancid hole. He fumbled for all but 45 seconds and unceremoniously collapsed in a heap on her meaty clammy body.

As the drugs kicked in, they passed out naked, still attached like two dogs as the sun rose and the commuters begain their day.

Cest fin.

buried

I had found myself in Benidorm. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh Benidorm, where sense goes to get skin cancer and love goes to get high quality prescription drugs without an actual prescription or the hefty price-tag.
I had wandered into a Karaoke night on the many Brexiteer bars along the glistening sea-front. The many Mojito beverages I consumed that week had turned my mind to a heightened sense of "ahhhhh sure f**kit", and it wasn't long before I headed to the Karaoke stage to perform an absolutely ferocious version of Phil Collin's "Something Happened on The Way to Heaven".
Many fine Bangable Brexiteer ladies were in attendance at this bar, all of them high on Sangria and the many 'ABBA' tracks they had screamed that night through the Costa del Blanca night time air. But one in particular had caught my half blind crooked rum soaked eye during one of my feroucious blasts of Collins classic chorus line of "How many Times must I say I'M SOOOOOORRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE".
A blonde peroxide haired maiden in a Union Jack patterned little black dress giving me a good old fashioned come-hither glance, and it wasn't long before I was by her side and her thin moustache. It also wasn't long before I had realised this lady was a great great great great deal older than I had thought and smelled heavily of many trips to the pharmacy
"Show me what really happens on the way to heaven you Duurteeee fahkin bastard" she sighed into my ear.
"Fine" I said "But you're paying for the cab sweetheart"
"No need for a fahkin cab" she replied "I got my own wheels right ere beside my fahkin high heels"
I glanced down, and saw this duchess had the newest model of ST2 Mobility Scooter in Ice blue chrome with retractable steering handle and shopping basket
And that's when I ran out the f**king gaff

donegaLroad

LadyMacBeth_ wrote: »

And by the way, if it happens in porn then it's totally normal :pac:

Porn gives young people an unhealthy and an unrealistic expectation of how quickly it takes a plumber to get to your house.

anewme

We were about six and eight and the Estate was filled with kids. It was Bin Day. One of the dirty owlads(as we called the Da's) must have fecked out a load of 'dirty books" and all the kids were fighting over them and tearing them apart, so much so that they ended up shredded and blowing all around the road. Each kid ended up with a page or two. The excitement was unreal. It was like all the kids had consumed 29 litres of coke and everyone was hyper.word spread and kids were legging it around gathering shredded pages.

I remember being utterly fascinated and not understanding why the naked women had cobwebs over their Mary's (we did not know what Pubic hair was)? Jaysus those women had cobwebs on their fannies, and then checking your own because I was terrified of spiders!

I was lucky as I was a fast runner and Bagged a whole book of poems(called rugby songs) which I managed to sneak into the house.

I loved that book and learnt lots of the poems off by heart and was so proud. My two favourites (which I can still recite by heart parrot fashion) were ...the doggies meeting and does your balls hang low?)

A couple of weeks later our boring Aunt and uncle visited for Sunday tea. They were posh and we got walloped for laughing when Georgie the budgie got out of his cage and **** on Christies baldy head.

To try and make us behave my uncle said, will you give us an aul song or a poem that you learnt in school.
Ah no.
Ah go on.
Ah no.
Just a little one?
I looked at my Ma.
I'll say a little poem!
And what's it called.
Oh Darling Grace.
Ah lovely.

I cleared my throat.Head up, chest out.

Oh Darling Grace I love your face, I love you in your nightie,
but when the moonlight flits across your tits, oh Jesus Christ almighty.

Surreptitious

Ricardo rode into the sunset on his sleek, black stallion. His long mane blew in the subtle, gentle breeze casting slight shadow on his chiselled, manly features. He knew it would not be long until he saw his loved one again.
The Contessa lay on her satin sheets luxuriating whilst the light dwindled in her boudoir. 'Oh, Ricardo', she thought, 'where are you while my soul is empty and my lions are unfufilled?' As morning broke upon the Italian villa, the Contessa was awoken by a sudden knock on her mahogany doors. Ricardo swept into the room with a wild eyed stance, his thick thighs clothed by his riding garb. Swiftly he grasped his lady and soaked in the scent of her hair perfumed with blossoms. As their eyes met, the two became entangled in a lover's embrace. Deftly removing her scant clothing, he kissed her neck and slowly moved down to her rosebud nipples which were pink and hard. She moaned, loudly. His dark skinned hands met her love triangle and edged softly into its wetness. 'I'm ready', she gasped. His engorged member entered and rhythmically together they danced the everlasting dance of a thousand lovers.
Lying back against the silk pillows, the Contessa wept silently. She knew, somehow, that Ricardo's debt could not be repaid and his life was to be taken that eve in the gallows on the green hill. There were no more words exchanged between them. They both knew fate always wins true.