Do relationships with big age gaps last?

Permabear · 26-07-2017 01:06PM

This post has been deleted.

26-07-2017 01:06PM

Can't get over how cool Pbears OH is. Swims in the ocean, goes to hackathons cos she's a nerdy gamergirl and plays live music at the coffee shop. So cool!

Permabear · 26-07-2017 01:19PM

This post has been deleted.

twill · 26-07-2017 01:21PM

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

I'm not sure where you got that notion. Foreign holidays were quite common way before then. Both secondary schools I went to did European trips from the early 1980s if not before.

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Austen stated that he was vigorous and active. Life expectancy for the middle class, Austen's audience, was certainly nothing like 40. It would probably be a little less than today, especially for women (dangers of childbirth), but not hugely.

....... · 26-07-2017 01:28PM

This post has been deleted.

JupiterKid · 26-07-2017 01:29PM

Every relationship is different and big age gaps may work for some and not for others. From the posts on this thread, it's clear that many people disapprove of age gaps, either from past bad experiences, media manipulation or general societal mores/attitudes.

I think the reason why men are nearly always the older partner in relationships is simply that they mature later than women. Some men can take a long time to really "grow up" and it seems to be a phenomenon particularly in Catholic countries where family is very important.

Up until recently, it wasn't uncommon for Irish men to be "mammied" well into their 30s and even beyond whereas women moved out of the family home and became independent much earlier. Indeed, it was not uncommon among farming and rural communities for there to be a substantial age gap between husbands and wives, often because the husband couldn't marry until he inherited the farm when his father died. And that would prrhaps happen when he was around the 40-45 year age mark.

My paternal great grandfather was 23 years older than my great grandmother. They were married for about 30 years and she outlived him by 25 years.

But I do think the later maturing and settling down of men is a key factor in them being the older partner in most relationships. And many Irish men seemed to take longer than men of other nationalities to mature and settle down.

Someone else mentioned that gay relationships often have big age gaps. As a gay man myself, I would say that this is indeed true. My former partner was 10 years older than me but then, that isn't such a big gap compared to some.*

*and if you ask, the age gap wasn't a factor in our breaking up.

twill · 26-07-2017 01:31PM

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Oh, certainly, I was just responding to Permabear who seemed to indicate that foreign travel was pretty much unknown here before the 1990s, if I didn't take him up wrong, which is always possible.

26-07-2017 01:33PM

twill wrote: »

I'm not sure where you got that notion. Foreign holidays were quite common way before then. Both secondary schools I went to did European trips from the early 1980s if not before.

Austen stated that he was vigorous and active. Life expectancy for the middle class, Austen's audience, was certainly nothing like 40. It would probably be a little less than today, especially for women (dangers of childbirth), but not hugely.

Yeah only if you include infant mortality which skews it massively. You make it that far, you're gonna live a good while

....... · 26-07-2017 01:34PM

This post has been deleted.

....... · 26-07-2017 01:36PM

This post has been deleted.

The Moldy Gowl · 26-07-2017 01:38PM

Omackeral wrote: »

Can't get over how cool Pbears OH is. Swims in the ocean, goes to hackathons cos she's a nerdy gamergirl and plays live music at the coffee shop. So cool!

I swam in the ocean once. It was miserable.

Im on tinder now with my age set to 18 and asking my sister has she any friends who wants to ride big bro and get pregnant.
Wish me luck. I wanna be happy too

Permabear · 26-07-2017 01:40PM

This post has been deleted.

Wibbs · 26-07-2017 01:41PM

Lollipops23 wrote: »

Permabear, I've followed your story over the thread. Let me start by saying that I very much hope you guys stand the test of time, at the very least for your 4 kids' sakes.

That said, can you see why people would be very wary of your situation? Single teen mother with what sounds like a very damaging family background, and with very few career prospects, meets well off older man who is able to provide her with what sounds like the dream life.

In 2 short years she has gotten her GED, given birth to twins, and gotten so far on the corporate ladder that she has started a college course and been promoted. That's fast by anyone's standards. Are you guys married yet?

Can you see why people might have a) think she was very vulnerable when she met you (tbh in my own experience, the "born again" folk tend to have had a lot of terrible things happen in their pasts) and b) think that 2 years is a hell of a short turn around for all that to happen?

For me it would throw up more red flags than a Chairman Mao birthday parade. A near perfect storm of wariness in me. Even on my non cynical side. If it were a mate of mine in that kind of setup... well I'd only say something if he asked, otherwise I'd keep my nose out of it(as generally people only accept the advice they already gave themselves, doubly so in affairs of the heart.), but would be there for him when what I would bet the farm on inevitable fallout down the line. I would say don't get hitched and would have frankly face palmed at any pregnancy.

The initial inequality isn't so much the issue(though the part that would trigger most), it's that inequality narrowing over time. The more options people feel they have, the more likely they are to exercise them.

Wibbs · 26-07-2017 01:45PM

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Ditto. Now as a kid in the late 70's we did travel as my mum was big into the whole travel broadens the mind thing and saved up accordingly, but I clearly remember being very much the outlier among my peers and that was within the nice house in burbs, good careers and private rugger bugger schooling brigade.

daithi7 · 26-07-2017 01:49PM

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

your stats may be correct on the increase in trips but sorry you're wrong on (college) kids from the 80s not travelling., most college kids headed off for their summers way back then. I'm not gonna tell you how I know cos it could be incriminating about my vintage. But yes I do know this

p.s. e.g someone I know well may have spent summers in France, Canada and the US x 2 in their 4 summers from college back then, but i can't tell you how I know that ;0)

p.p.s oh happy days

)

twill · 26-07-2017 01:52PM

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I never said they were, not sure where you're going with this, to be honest.

JupiterKid wrote: »

Every relationship is different and big age gaps may work for some and not for others. From the posts on this thread, it's clear that many people disapprove of age gaps, either from past bad experiences, media manipulation or general societal mores/attitudes.

I think the reason why men are nearly always the older partner in relationships is simply that they mature later than women. Some men can take a long time to really "grow up" and it seems to be a phenomenon particularly in Catholic countries where family is very important.

I'd agree on the latter point to an extent. Maturity levels certainly come into it. Where people would get suspicious, and rightly so, in my opinion, is when the younger partner is significantly less mature or is otherwise vulnerable, whether financially, emotionally, etc.

Mister Vain · 26-07-2017 01:54PM

Ann_Landers wrote: »

Yeah, my mid-30s male friend, who looks every one of those years and probably a bit more and who also loves the 20 somethings, comes out with this too. "Oh, but I look way younger" - sure thing, bud! :pac: Also "I feel I have a lot more to offer them?" - wtf?

Well Im only going by what I have been told. Most people I have met have told me I look younger, usually between 26 to 30. Im now 34 but it was always the same when I was younger too.

Permabear · 26-07-2017 01:59PM

This post has been deleted.

JupiterKid · 26-07-2017 02:01PM

On the travelling issue, the well to do Irish were making foreign trips in substantial numbers from the 1960s onwards. Sure wasn't the plane to Lourdes a huge thing for many back in the 70s and 80s?

Certainly package holidays to Spain and Greece took off from about 1970. My parents holidayed in the Canaries in 1974 - the year before I was born. Travel out of Western Europe, unless for emigrating, was much rarer but again, those who could afford it were taking holidays to the USA/Canada in 70s and 80s. The Jumbo Jet made that possible.

Air fares have been going down since the start of commercial aviation, it wasn't a case that no one could afford to fly before Ryanair came along. It's just that the number of Irish people travelling abroad jumped with each advance in aviation.

I think what has really changed in the past 15/20 years is the frequency that people travel abroad - 2/3 foreign holidays a year, a city break or 2 AND very long distance travel to places like Asia, South America and Australia.

And don't forget many Irish families took the car ferry and holidayed in France. Probably much more common in the 70s and 80s than today.

ibarelycare · 26-07-2017 02:08PM

Wibbs wrote: »

For me it would throw up more red flags than a Chairman Mao birthday parade. A near perfect storm of wariness in me. Even on my non cynical side. If it were a mate of mine in that kind of setup... well I'd only say something if he asked, otherwise I'd keep my nose out of it(as generally people only accept the advice they already gave themselves, doubly so in affairs of the heart.), but would be there for him when what I would bet the farm on inevitable fallout down the line. I would say don't get hitched and would have frankly face palmed at any pregnancy.

I'd be the same. One unplanned pregnancy could be excused as naivety or bad luck. A second one so soon after is either stupidity or planned (by the mother).

Permabear · 26-07-2017 02:13PM

This post has been deleted.

Wibbs · 26-07-2017 02:16PM

JupiterKid wrote: »

On the travelling issue, the well to do Irish were making foreign trips in substantial numbers from the 1960s onwards. Sure wasn't the plane to Lourdes a huge thing for many back in the 70s and 80s?

Oh sure JK, but as PB points out it was much more a middle class thing. Certainly doing it with any sort of regularity like annually. Most of my friends who were middle class had the odd trip abroad, but mostly holidayed at home, visiting country relatives and such.

Wibbs · 26-07-2017 02:19PM

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

True enough. As a small island nation we're more likely to have the wanderlust bug, certainly compared to the majority of American folks. They do travel within their huge nation(and even there it's a small enough minority), but few enough go further afield. Understandably to a large degree. It's a massive and diverse country with a helluva lot to do and see.

eviltwin · 26-07-2017 02:20PM

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

You only lose out on it if it's what you wanted. I used to have this put to me too when my eldest was born as if I should be in mourning for not going backpacking. Never wanted to do that so I never felt I missed out. I still had holidays and just brought the child along. Ironically I had a lot more opportunities then than I do now that I'm older and have dogs to consider

Permabear · 26-07-2017 02:26PM

This post has been deleted.

....... · 26-07-2017 02:28PM

This post has been deleted.

Lollipops23 · 26-07-2017 02:38PM

ibarelycare wrote: »

I'd be the same. One unplanned pregnancy could be excused as naivety or bad luck. A second one so soon after is either stupidity or planned (by the mother).

They had twins.

Permabear · 26-07-2017 02:45PM

This post has been deleted.

ibarelycare · 26-07-2017 02:53PM

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

I don't know you or your OH, so as an outsider that is how I'd view it.

Permabear · 26-07-2017 02:59PM

This post has been deleted.

Do relationships with big age gaps last?

Comments