Do relationships with big age gaps last?

Permabear · 26-07-2017 10:29AM

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IvyTheTerrible · 26-07-2017 10:32AM

leggo wrote: »

With Macron it's a case of "what can you do?" They're adults now, seem to be happy and nobody can't prove anything untoward. He's done alright for himself so it isn't as if he appears to be a victim suffering from trauma. It's not that it isn't outrageous, it's just that what's the point in getting outraged at two people who appear to be happy now. If it happened today, she'd likely be arrested and rightfully so.

What shocked me here in France was the attitude of a small number of my colleagues (I'm a secondary school teacher). We were discussing the couple, and one of my middle-aged female colleagues said "Oh, what's wrong with that sort of relationship (ie one with a fifteen year old student and a teacher), you can't stop love?". I mean, we are in a position of responsibility and power over teenagers, the idea of seducing one of my underage students is completely anathema to me (and I am significantly younger than the woman who made the comment).

Cee-Jay-Cee · 26-07-2017 10:36AM

13 years between myself and my wife. Married 9 years now and happy as ever. Of course they can last and are no more liable to fail than a relationship between two people of the same/similar age.

Wibbs · 26-07-2017 10:37AM

Ann_Landers wrote: »

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It is. There are gender differences too. Men are allowed by society to age at a slower rate and because of thicker skin and underlying connective tissue, denser bones, higher proportions of lean tissue and more stable hormonal profiles through life can if they stay fit and healthy already have a leg up there.

Permabear wrote: »

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Naturally. Just as prettier younger women have more choices too. Men again have the advantage here. Unlike women they can effectively earn more attractiveness on top of what nature provided. It would be one reason why I get an itch in the centre of my head hearing men whine about not being able to attract a woman, even when as a general thing the cards are stacked for them(age dependent).

Imagine if a man had met his future wife when he was a 39-year-old teacher and she was doing her Junior Cert. I think there'd be quite a brouhaha over that.

Yep and I suspect because of what I wrote earlier about age gaps and gender equality. Women get a slightly easier time of being the older. Plus there is the still in play perception of sexuality differences between the genders. 15 year old boys are seen as walking hard ons that would get up on the crack of a plate so wouldn't turn down a shag from an older woman, nor be negatively affected by it. Whereas 15 year old girls are seen as "purer" less sexual, in need of more protection and would be negatively affected by such an encounter. Never mind that in reality the horniness of adolescents is about equal. Both will fcuk like rabbits given the opportunity.

Permabear · 26-07-2017 10:39AM

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26-07-2017 10:42AM

Permabear wrote: »

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Lots of Irish men dress terribly too, there's lots of lads wearing bootcut jeans with cheap plastic leathery pointy shoes or AV8 types yokes about ........ popped collars..........Jaysus :pac:

Wibbs · 26-07-2017 10:53AM

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

What shocked me here in France...

Not such a shock too me TBH Ivy. That's quite the "French" thing. The older younger dynamic isn't nearly so much an issue when compared to other western cultures. Hell I even noticed this as a kid watching French films on the telly. For research purposes, love of film and tits.

The older guy/gal with younger showing them the sexual and romantic ropes was a very common theme in them. Years later I recall an Oprah Winfrey show where she was having a non studio based confab with various authors of books she liked. One of whom was French. In their book there was an older woman(IIRC) with her younger student and Oprah and the others expressed discomfort at that, but the author fired out a gallic shrug and didn't see any issue about the whole thing.

Now there are certainly older/younger pairings in say US films, but they're generally not a plot device, more about older male stars having longer longevity in the business and/or wish fulfilment on the part of writers/directors/producers.

To the degree it can be uncomfortable viewing. Look at Audrey Hepburn's flics. She had the look of a teenager dressed in older clothes for a long time and she was most often paired with men who were much older than her. And looked it. Bogey and Bacall though a big age gap don't look too odd, but a later and older and sagging Bogey with Hepburn looks well odd. Or her with a badly ageing Gary Cooper looking like her creaky grandad(even then that was commented upon). About the least odd looking pairing she was signed up for was with Gregory Peck, though she was in her early twenties and he was nearly forty.

Bambi985 · 26-07-2017 10:55AM

I would never have "fcuked like rabbits" with anyone when I was a teenager. I was ferociously innocent until my very late teens on that front, as were lots of my school mates from what I remember. Sneaking out at lunch break to get the shift with a lad from the boys school down the road or cheeky arse grabs at the local disco were about the extent of it. The idea of sex was very grown up and a bit intimidating to me right up to Leaving Cert, now I know not everyone is like that but you have to remember that a 15, 16 or 17 year old is a kid, regardless of how physically appealing or sexually attractive she is. Turning 18 isn't a magic bullet for maturity either. The male attention at that age can be a bit scary to that end.

And women hardly get off scot-free for age-gap relationships. I can't count the number of articles I've seen about Macron and his "much older" First Lady since he became President, along the lines of "WTF weird" or "he must be gay". The media hysteria was so rampant that Macron himself ended up speaking out about it and defending his wife, something you'd never see a male president with a wife 20 years younger ever doing. I had to google Melania Trump just now to find out how much younger than her lovely husband she is. 24 years. The same as the French president. No uproar there, more of an expected thing with a powerful man like himself.

Permabear · 26-07-2017 11:04AM

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26-07-2017 11:09AM

Bambi985 wrote: »

........... I had to google Melania Trump just now to find out how much younger than her lovely husband she is. 24 years. The same as the French president. No uproar there, more of an expected thing with a powerful man like himself.

I think it's just presumed she was a gold digger when they hooked up

He's a state of a thing like.

I was in a kebab shop in Nova Gorica (border town, Italy/Slovenia) months back and the lad working there and myself were chatting to an extent (he had little English) ........... he was essentially alluding to her being a cheap ole piece :pac: She's far from pride of the nation anyway from chats I had with other folk in Slovenia too.

Bambi985 · 26-07-2017 11:17AM

Permabear wrote: »

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Average age in Ireland in somewhere between 17 and 18 from everything I can find online. 22% is hardly a high figure in fairness. Your average 15 year old is not going to be having sex.

26-07-2017 11:18AM

Permabear wrote: »

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You'd hope they aren't ridin' lads in their 40s though

Permabear · 26-07-2017 11:20AM

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Riskymove · 26-07-2017 11:25AM

Bambi985 wrote: »

I can't count the number of articles I've seen about Macron and his "much older" First Lady since he became President, along the lines of "WTF weird" or "he must be gay". The media hysteria was so rampant that Macron himself ended up speaking out about it and defending his wife, something you'd never see a male president with a wife 20 years younger ever doing. I had to google Melania Trump just now to find out how much younger than her lovely husband she is. 24 years. The same as the French president. No uproar there, more of an expected thing with a powerful man like himself.

In fairness, the issue with Macron has less been the age gap, but the age (and the fact she had been teacher) they were when relationship began

Melania Trumpo was in mid 30s when she met Trump

26-07-2017 11:26AM

Permabear wrote: »

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:eek:

Christ, I dunno. Some as in <1% maybe.

Lollipops23 · 26-07-2017 11:26AM

Permabear, I've followed your story over the thread. Let me start by saying that I very much hope you guys stand the test of time, at the very least for your 4 kids' sakes.

That said, can you see why people would be very wary of your situation? Single teen mother with what sounds like a very damaging family background, and with very few career prospects, meets well off older man who is able to provide her with what sounds like the dream life.

In 2 short years she has gotten her GED, given birth to twins, and gotten so far on the corporate ladder that she has started a college course and been promoted. That's fast by anyone's standards. Are you guys married yet?

Can you see why people might have a) think she was very vulnerable when she met you (tbh in my own experience, the "born again" folk tend to have had a lot of terrible things happen in their pasts) and b) think that 2 years is a hell of a short turn around for all that to happen?

Permabear · 26-07-2017 11:33AM

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Bambi985 · 26-07-2017 11:50AM

Permabear wrote: »

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I'm not sure why you're so determined to prove that your average 15 year old is riding rings around themselves. They're simply not. 22% of one survey does not constitute a majority. It's pure speculation to say that the average age of sexual intercourse is skewed by people having sex at an older age. It's like saying the average wage is skewed by the high rollers. You could literally use that logic to speculate about any survey on any subject.

I was a teenager during the 2000s, not twenty million years ago. There was shifting and there was groping and there was sometimes a little more, there was the odd teen pregnancy too, but by and large none of my peers were having sex regularly at 15, 16 or even 17.

Listen, I think we all get at this stage that you'll go to the ends of the earth to defend your relationship, and why wouldn't you. It sounds like it's working out pretty well for both of you. But it's not the norm, a 40 year old dating an 18 year old will always raise eyebrows in any western democracy and throwing in some popular porn search terms or stats about a minority of Irish teens having sex from the age of 15 as an argument does you or the perception of your relationship no favours at all.

....... · 26-07-2017 11:53AM

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Permabear · 26-07-2017 12:15PM

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leggo · 26-07-2017 12:26PM

Permabear, since you're quite happy to chat honestly and get probed: do you ever worry that, due to her being a young mother, there's a whole stage of her life she's missed out on and that she will want to seek that some day when circumstances allow it? Not even worry because it's something you could be totally fine with, but have you planned or prepared for that possibility? And the possibility that it may be something that you're not interested in given your own age and will have to let her have on her own, possibly changing your relationship?

I know a lot of mothers who had kids young and what I see in all of them is great maturity on young level (i.e. Being a mother) then the capacity to be SO immature and underdeveloped on another, because they simply didn't have that room to grow. And that can be fine if they're around people the same age or younger, i.e. their friends can skew young, but I'd imagine it'd be tougher if they were involved with or around people older than them who'd notice that stuff right off the bat.

Permabear · 26-07-2017 12:29PM

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Lollipops23 · 26-07-2017 12:29PM

leggo wrote: »

Permabear, since you're quite happy to chat honestly and get probed: do you ever worry that, due to her being a young mother, there's a whole stage of her life she's missed out on and that she will want to seek that some day when circumstances allow it? Not even worry because it's something you could be totally fine with, but have you planned or prepared for that possibility? .

That thought had crossed my mind too tbh. I know certain experiences would have been off limits to her regardless of your relationship, due to being responsible for her baby from 16. But, while there are plenty of experiences I'd gladly have missed in my 20s, there are some I wouldn't trade for the world.

Falthyron · 26-07-2017 12:30PM

Suggestion: the thread should be renamed to 'I was 39 and got with a 18 year old, AMA'. :pac:

Seriously though, how did you two meet? When I was 18 I tended to have friends/associates who were around my age. In fact, I wanted to be places where people my own age/interests would be. Furthermore, now that I am older (not quite 40 yet!), I tend to gravitate away from places that have a very young audience (late teens).

....... · 26-07-2017 12:38PM

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whisky_galore · 26-07-2017 12:47PM

RayCon wrote: »

I read the thread title as "Do relationships with big apes last ?" .....

You missed out on the recent bestiality thread...

Lollipops23 · 26-07-2017 12:47PM

....... wrote: »

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Travelling, going to places I've never been before and experiencing them without needing to consider kids or partners. Getting the chance to indulge some selfishness, as I know there's zero room for it once babies arrive.

....... · 26-07-2017 12:50PM

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Permabear · 26-07-2017 12:50PM

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twill · 26-07-2017 12:58PM

Samaris wrote: »

It's worked perfectly well for generations. It's been relatively common throughout western history for (mostly) older men to marry younger women in particular. You only have to look at literature from various periods to see it - Pride and Prejudice is a perfectly good example, as it's indicated that at the least Lydia is quite a bit younger than Wickham, Charlotte is quite a bit younger than Collins, there's indications that the parental Bennets may have an age gap between them as well, although it's not explicit, etcetera.

(Just to be pedantic, Charlotte is a bit older than Collins.) The cases you mentioned are explicitly portrayed as bad marriages, though. An example of a large age gap in what Austen would consider a good marriage is Emma Woodhouse and Mr Knightley, who are 21 and 37 respectively. He is her mentor/father figure and his brother is married to her sister. Austen also portrayed first cousins marrying in a favourable light.

Do relationships with big age gaps last?

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