Do relationships with big age gaps last?

Permabear · 25-07-2017 12:23PM

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Permabear · 25-07-2017 12:25PM

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25-07-2017 12:27PM

Permabear wrote: »

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Congratulations

Belated, admittedly

Permabear · 25-07-2017 12:27PM

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B0jangles · 25-07-2017 12:39PM

Or it could be that with a few more years under their belts, women in their thirties are a lot quicker to spot things that they would have missed when they were in their late teens/early twenties. I'm not saying every older man/much younger woman relationship is unbalanced, but there is almost certainly going to be an unarguable gap in general life experience, in relationship experience, in knowing what ones boundaries are between two people if one of them has 25 years of adult living in contrast the other's 4.

A common complaint you'll hear a girl in her teens make about the behaviour of others is 'that's SO IMMATURE! - Ironically, the very need to display maturity, by for example, having a much older boyfriend is in itself a sign of immaturity.

Again, I'm not saying all such relationship are founded upon such attitudes, I'm saying every one of the girls I knew who went out with a much older* guy when they were in their late teens did so on the basis that 'guys my age are SO IMMATURE' - 9 times out of 10 it was a teenage ego thing.

(*and by much older, I'm talking - 28-30ish)

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 25-07-2017 12:44PM

Ah yes. These women have direct and indirect experience of age gap relationships and have formed a negative opinion. It must be because they're bitter old crones! Everything women do or think that I don't like is because they're bitter old crones!

Permabear · 25-07-2017 12:50PM

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B0jangles · 25-07-2017 12:56PM

Permabear, you just spent the last page or two trying to explain your position over and over again to someone who disagreed with you because you apparently thought that their disagreement meant they did not understand your point.

If you'll forgive me saying it, you appear to have a bit of a problem accepting or indeed, understanding that people can disagree with you without being misinformed or wrong.

It's also quite funny that you somehow psychically know the age and gender of posters who disagree with your opinions of younger woman/older man relationships, and that their disagreement can apparently be boiled down to "They're just JEALOUS!"

25-07-2017 01:00PM

The porn angle citing attraction is utter plop in my opinion. People get off to all manners of stuff including cartoon porn of The Simpsons and Family Guy, other alien type stuff or anime weirdness with tentacles and such. I'd place no stock in it. Porn has zero relevance when placed next to forming relationships.

As for the age gap, in later life it's more common and it's pretty much accepted. However, imagine being at an 18th birthday and all these blokes in their 40's hovering around trying their luck with the birthday girl and her pals. I don't think a lot of people would be happy.

SarahS2013 · 25-07-2017 01:05PM

Hope so! Me and my OH just got engaged (9yr age gap)!

The Moldy Gowl · 25-07-2017 01:06PM

Omackeral wrote: »

The porn angle citing attraction is utter plop in my opinion. People get off to all manners of stuff including cartoon porn of The Simpsons and Family Guy, other alien type stuff or anime weirdness with tentacles and such. I'd place no stock in it. Porn has zero relevance when placed next to forming relationships.

As for the age gap, in later life it's more common and it's pretty much accepted. However, imagine being at an 18th birthday and all these blokes in their 40's hovering around trying their luck with the birthday girl and her pals. I don't think a lot of people would be happy.

They are mad for pushing incest porn these days so maybe he has a point?

25-07-2017 01:10PM

The Moldy Gowl wrote: »

They are mad for pushing incest porn these days so maybe he has a point?

In fairness, it's fun for all the family.

Permabear · 25-07-2017 01:14PM

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Kimbot · 25-07-2017 01:16PM

Permabear wrote: »

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So just because they disagree with you they are wrong?
I think you mean that if they often disagree with you that you THINK they are misinformed or wrong.

Pac1Man · 25-07-2017 01:18PM

SarahS2013 wrote: »

Hope so! Me and my OH just got engaged (9yr age gap)!

You call that a gap? We've got it up to 26 years so far in this thread!

Permabear · 25-07-2017 01:19PM

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Permabear · 25-07-2017 01:21PM

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Whispered · 25-07-2017 01:25PM

I dunno permy, since hitting my 30s I'm much more settled in myself, happier, more content and i feel much more self confident than before. Many many of my friends would agree.
Maybe the women in their thirties who disagree are looking back on how they have changed and matured since they were 20 and therein lies their problem.

Not suggesting i agree with them, just because they may have been too immature for a relationship with a much older man, doesn't mean your partner is.

But it may not be as simple as "bitter 30 year old woman".

SB_Part2 · 25-07-2017 01:39PM

When I was 17 I went out with a guy who was a good few years younger than me. My parents weren't happy about it but I knew better. I obviously thought he was the man of my dreams and we'd spend the rest of our lives together.

Now I'm in my 30s I cringe at the thoughts of it. My parents were right and he was 100% taking advance of how naive I was.

I have no problems with large age gaps from say, 25-30 onwards. But from the age of 17-25 my personality, my goals, and my look on life completely changed. I'm just glad I didn't end up marrying the guy or having kids with him.

Wibbs · 25-07-2017 01:43PM

Whispered wrote: »

But it may not be as simple as "bitter 30 year old woman".

+1. Even in my experiences of age gap relationships going on yes there were women who clearly had the hump over it and there would been the sniff of bitterness alright(and weren't friends), but the vast majority of women I knew simply didn't care, or were happy for me/us regardless of the age gap. Then again they were never that stark a difference in ages. I wasn't say 35 going out with a 19 year old. I'd say other than a drunken snog type deal such an arrangement would have caused eyebrows to raise and my mates men and women would have been asking questions. As would I in such a situation if it were them.

TBH even when I was 30 a late teens woman would have simply not been on my radar beyond the "wow she's a bit bloody gorge" if she was. And it would be eff all to do with peer pressure either. My general default position is I don't particularly care what others, especially wider society thinks. I might appreciate her looks but that would be it, she'd just look and be too young for me. Just the same way that at 30, 50 year old women wouldn't be on my radar either. Would I have gone out with a 25 year old woman at 40? Yes and society bedamned, but not a teenager.

Even if somehow I did find someone of that age attractive enough to actually take the serious relationship plunge I would be very much aware of how much can change in someone from 18-30 and the odds would be extremely high that I'd end up being an ex down the line.

Permabear · 25-07-2017 01:50PM

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ronjo · 25-07-2017 02:33PM

Permabear wrote: »

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Ah sure ye should have said that at the start. That makes all the difference :pac:

leggo · 25-07-2017 02:45PM

I think to say something has worked out after just two years sounds like famous last words. It's working now. Maybe it always will, maybe it won't, but two years of a relationship doesn't prove an entire concept. I am glad for you that you're both happy, though.

I'm not going to talk about any examples here as I feel uncomfortable doing so (and don't know any of you to speak with authority), but I do have to admit that when I hear about relationships with huge age gaps (particularly older men/really young woman; notsomuch if it's people in their 50's and 30's), I get all of the usual alarm bells. Then I try de-clutter the gunk society has placed in my head and make sense of it and...yes, there's still something that gets me, even though I'm trying to be open-minded. To try rationalise it:

I worry that the girl isn't going to experience her youth and that that's going to leave a void she'll need to address at a later stage, I've never known anybody who has just skipped a stage of development in life and adjusted just fine. I worry that she's getting into it for the wrong reasons, i.e. because the situation can benefit her in some way (not just money). As someone has spoken of already, I worry that she's trying to prove that she's mature and the relationship is a phase in doing so and temporary. And, yes, I worry if there's some form of daddy issues at play. I just know that anyone I've seen in this situation is someone who's had a complicated relationship with their father.

From the man's side, I worry that the situation may be a result of him not previously being able to function with people of a certain maturity level and that one day she's going to hit that level. I worry that it's fantasy/wish-fulfilment and that part of the reasons the age gap worked in the beginning may wear off over time (i.e. she won't be young, carefree and beautiful forever). On the flip side of an above point, I worry because it's such a big factor that is the man wasting some of his last time as an eligible bachelor on an unsustainable relationship.

Do I find myself sickened or repulsed by the idea in general? I mean, not particularly. There can be some examples where there's a weirdness at play, a "this man likes young girls" attitude, but the same could be said of some lads who get with women who are small in height. It's not specific to the age and you'd need to judge the relationship on its own merit, so no the idea itself is fine.

It's just that...this thread is about do these kind of relationships 'last', very specifically. I'm sure many do today, but that doesn't prove the rule. Is it a sustainable platform to build a relationship off in theory? I'd say no, personally.

Permabear · 25-07-2017 02:46PM

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Wibbs · 25-07-2017 02:59PM

Permabear wrote: »

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And returns with a bang for people who marry after 40. In the US of course.

She's also a committed practicing Christian. That's another factor that significantly reduces the statistical likelihood of divorce.

I dunno about significantly but it would be a factor alright. However pretty much none of that or the other stressors would be what would make me cautious. More about how people generally are and how people generally change with age.

Other plus points in favour of a successful relationship would in simple terms be her relative lack of choice. Young mother with three kids by twenty would have a narrower field to choose from, certainly among her peers in age(and now education). Indeed that would have been in play previously to you. That would add stability when compared to a women her age and educational background having no kids. The latter would be freer to jump from one branch to another when she got tired within and of the relationship. Likely around the three year mark as these things tend to go.

It would be my opinion and experience that people do weigh these things up however subconsciously. I would even go so far as to say women are more aware of such things and make decisions, again however subconsciously, accordingly.

Permabear · 25-07-2017 03:10PM

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Permabear · 25-07-2017 03:22PM

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seenitall · 25-07-2017 03:31PM

Time for this thread to be renamed "Will Permabear's relationship fail/last?" Maybe add a poll?

Permabear · 25-07-2017 03:34PM

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Riskymove · 25-07-2017 03:39PM

seenitall wrote: »

Maybe add a poll?

maybe open a book on it....

Do relationships with big age gaps last?

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