Do relationships with big age gaps last?

witchgirl26 · 24-07-2017 03:57PM

My parents had a large age gap - on their wedding day my mam was 24 and my dad was 40. They were happily together for 33 years until my dad's death so think that was a pretty good relationship. It lasting that long had nothing to do with age gap but like someone else said, being in the same place life-stage wise. My dad was looking to start a family so didn't want casual dating, my mam was the same and they were mad about each other so all good.

As for someone who said about a women in her 60's having to care for an older man. Ok so my mam was in her 50's doing it while my dad was sick but she didn't mind looking after him - she still loved him so it just seemed natural. And to be honest, what my dad died of had nothing to do with age so the roles could have very easily been reversed.

A lot of the time in my early 20's I went out with older men (least 5 years older) as I actually had more in common with them then I did with a lot of guys my own age. I also would argue that at 23 I was definitely an adult - holding down a full time job, studying for a professional qualification at night, dealing with the death of a parent.....all seems like adult stuff to me.

Permabear · 24-07-2017 03:58PM

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Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 04:05PM

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Well, they won't spend much time thinking about it but won't approve either. If it's not someone you know, you won't give too much mental space over to it. Where the couple might more run into problems is with people they know. The people they know obviously aren't in the couple but people do care about the approval of people they care about and that's bound to be a strain on a couple.

....... · 24-07-2017 04:12PM

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Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 04:12PM

Permabear wrote: »

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They say that to you, not amongst themselves. What are they going to say? Also, if they expressed strong reservations to you, that is a much tamer version of what they were saying when you were not around.

As I noted earlier, men search on PornHub for "teens" more than any other term. Frequently, these videos show teens with significantly older men. So while people might balk in public at the thought of an 18-year-old with a 40-year-old, it's also what they want to watch when they're in private. So there's a big element of "Do as I say..." about all this.

The only way it would be "Do as I say not as I do" is if the people watching the porn are themselves having sex with teenagers. Porn is just fantasy, many people fantasise about things they wouldn't actually do. And the people watching know that the women involved are likely to be in their 20s in reality.

The parents who kicked her out of home when she got pregnant have given up their right to have a say in the matter, in my view.

Am I am your girlfriend's parents? I said what I would do as a parent.

....... · 24-07-2017 04:13PM

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mzungu · 24-07-2017 04:15PM

Ann_Landers wrote: »

Well, they won't spend much time thinking about it but won't approve either. If it's not someone you know, you won't give too much mental space over to it. Where the couple might more run into problems is with people they know. The people they know obviously aren't in the couple but people do care about the approval of people they care about and that's bound to be a strain on a couple.

You have touched on an interesting point there. If people are putting great stock on what their friends/family/work associates will think of their partner, are they then choosing a partner based on the expectations of society? This could be one reason why large age gaps seem to be frowned upon in some circles, they break a kind of taboo that is rarely spoken of. My friend was dating a women nearly 25 years older than him, and they got the same kind of treatment. I know another lad who started going out with a 30 year old when he was 18. In both cases, they just gave the two fingers to what was expected of them from peer groups. I must add, many years on, both couples are still together. They outlived the gossip and innuendo by a large margin. In fact, they beat the gossip and innuendo, nobody even bats an eyelid anymore. Had they decided to go down the route of picking somebody that their friends/family/work mates would approve of, would they be as happy as they are now?

There have been a lot of posts in this thread detailing relationships with large age gaps that have been quite successful. They may not be for everybody, but they sure work very well for some people.

Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 04:18PM

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I specifically said I had no stats a few posts back. I'm just taking my views from my own observations. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows, who cares?

mzungu wrote: »

You have touched on an interesting point there. If people are putting great stock on what their friends/family/work associates will think of their partner, are they then choosing a partner based on the expectations of society? This could be one reason why large age gaps seem to be frowned upon in some circles, they break a kind of taboo that is rarely spoken of. My friend was dating a women nearly 25 years older than him, and they got the same kind of treatment. I know another lad who started going out with a 30 year old when he was 18. In both cases, they just gave the two fingers to what was expected of them from peer groups. I must add, many years on, both couples are still together. They outlived the gossip and innuendo by a large margin. In fact, they beat the gossip and innuendo, nobody even bats an eyelid anymore.

Well, that's exactly what those couples should do, just get on with it. But we all judge people, every one of us. And I think nobody is immune to caring what people think completely, no matter what fighting talk they come out with.

seenitall · 24-07-2017 04:20PM

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I wasnt making any comment on whether or not they were happy and healthy relationships.

I was simply disputing the notion that a young girl with an older man is a universally horrifying concept for many.

No, of course it is not universally horrifying. Just in those cultures that value the personal freedom and choices of women.

But you brought some different cultures into the discussion (which I myself don't find that relevant to this thread), so it doesn't do any harm to remind ourselves that women being much younger spouses, is a function of their overall disempowerment and inequality in some (sadly, too many) parts of the world.

....... · 24-07-2017 04:23PM

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Bambi985 · 24-07-2017 04:31PM

The porn comparison makes me uncomfortable. Porn is fantasy, what's taboo is fetishised almost as a rule, be it taboo power dynamics ("daddy daughter porn") or skin colour ("hot ebony amateur") or gay midget sex or whatever.

The popularity of the "barely legal" genre isn't a recent thing either, but neither is the popularity of lesbian porn among straight women - doesn't mean every straight woman who watches it is going to ditch her husband/partner and find a female partner though. It just means they enjoy the fantasy of lesbian sex.

The other most popular Pornhub search terms for last year were "stepmom", "MILF" and "ebony"- what do they imply? That all men secretly want to have sex with their close relatives or older women or what?

Permabear · 24-07-2017 04:31PM

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seenitall · 24-07-2017 04:34PM

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I dont believe its horrifying in any cultures.

I think some people (a minority) will be horrified. But I think once the legals are satisfied, most people dont care.

Really? I disagree, I will leave it at that.

Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 04:40PM

Permabear wrote: »

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You don't have to care.

You've clearly given it some thought though. Everyone cares a little what people think, IMO.

And in the same vein, nobody has to approve of anyone else's relationship.

Permabear wrote: »

Porn is not "just" fantasy.

It absolutely is. The young women having sex with older men in the videos are doing it for work. The people watching it are using it as a visual fantasy.

Bambi985 wrote: »

The porn comparison makes me uncomfortable. Porn is fantasy, what's taboo is fetishised almost as a rule, be it taboo power dynamics ("daddy daughter porn") or skin colour ("hot ebony amateur") or gay midget sex or whatever.

The popularity of the "barely legal" genre isn't a recent thing either, but neither is the popularity of lesbian porn among straight women - doesn't mean every straight woman who watches it is going to ditch her husband/partner and find a female partner though. It just means they enjoy the fantasy of lesbian sex.

The other most popular Pornhub search terms for last year were "stepmom", "MILF" and "ebony"- what do they imply? That all men secretly want to have sex with their close relatives or older women or what?

Thank you. It's a disingenuous comparison.

If I had to use what happens in porn to justify my relationship, I'd be concerned.

Permabear · 24-07-2017 04:46PM

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Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 04:55PM

Permabear wrote: »

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I'm sorry but do you think I don't realise that there are real humans in porn and that that is why I consider it fantasy? What I mean is that porn is fantasising in visual form. There is a separation between the people watching it and performing it, at least to the people watching. People fantasise about all kinds of things that they would never in a lifetime consider doing themselves. That's one of its main attractions.

I've found a new life goal: never get in a relationship that I need to compare to porn in order to justify it.

PandaPoo · 24-07-2017 05:01PM

Ann_Landers wrote: »

I am very bemused at posters simply not getting suicide circus's post. It was so obviously a joke!

Why did you quote my post? It had nothing to do with suicide circus' post.

Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 05:04PM

PandaPoo wrote: »

Why did you quote my post? It had nothing to do with suicide circus' post.

You quoted him.

And also completely misunderstood hence me quoting you with the rest. You said the same happened to you and your husband, despite his post being a joke about a 10 year old and 20 year old getting together.

My post was about the amount of people that completely misunderstood his post.

PandaPoo · 24-07-2017 05:11PM

Ann_Landers wrote: »

You quoted him. And also completely misunderstood hence me quoting you with the rest. You said the same happened to you and your husband, despite his post being a joke about a 10 year old and 20 year old getting together.

My post was about the amount of people that completely misunderstood his post.

So I did

I understood his post, I just meant to quote him saying the 20 and 30 year old, not his whole post. Oops!

Permabear · 24-07-2017 05:48PM

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Permabear · 24-07-2017 06:23PM

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Pero_Bueno · 24-07-2017 06:49PM

Permabear wrote: »

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Pedophilia - Ive taken that back too strong a term.

So what ?
Big difference between watching some 20 year old porn star on the net then actually having a relationship with a 20 year old.

If you're talking about just physical attraction I think all men will know a
stunning 15/16 year old when they see one, doesn't mean they will actually contemplate really making a move now does it ?

Just curious, you say you are American - still living in the US or Ireland ?

Permabear · 24-07-2017 07:58PM

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Pac1Man · 24-07-2017 08:36PM

"Sure it's in porn."

Is that the new litmus test?

Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 09:30PM

Pac1Man wrote: »

"Sure it's in porn."

Is that the new litmus test?

Yup.

Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 09:42PM

Permabear wrote: »

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And I disagree.

Permabear wrote: »

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Actually, as awkward as it is to type this, it is fantasy to those who want to watch it. But rightfully it is severely punished, either watching or making child porn. And in adult porn there are likely unwilling participants too but this is a bit harder to elucidate and less clear-cut. And the people watching the porn compartmentalise that thought in their mind and tell themselves that all the adults that they are watching are willingly involved. See, that's where the fantasy part comes in. They are looking for images to lodge in the **** bank and studiously ignoring how the video came about.

So yeah, it's really desperate to bring in "Yeah well, yeah well, other people watch porn!", not to mention disingenuous.

Permabear · 24-07-2017 10:24PM

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Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 10:45PM

Permabear wrote: »

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Well, do you think that women who have rape fantasies want to actually be raped? It's a common fantasy and as such, there is porn that acts it out. So what do you reckon? Do all or many of these women secretly wish that someone would brutally rape them in real life? Doubtful. They are just venturing into the corner reaches of their imagination. That can be exhilarating.

Your point isn't eluding me. I simply don't agree with your point.

Permabear · 24-07-2017 10:51PM

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pumpkin4life · 24-07-2017 11:01PM

Falling Inwards wrote: »

Any man saying he wouldn't have sex with a hot teen is lying.

:D:D:D

The truth of men and women in one graph, courtesy of thousands of people aggregated from the major dating websites. It's funny out in its own way.

A lot of jealously on this thread, especially for the big bear.

Edit: That graph is from a book called dataclysm. The guy who wrote it was one of the founders of OKCupid. Really interesting read, if youre into the big data and how its used stuff.

Do relationships with big age gaps last?

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