Do relationships with big age gaps last?

24-07-2017 01:15PM

Sterling Fierce Bag wrote: »

Sorry what. 27 and going out with a 17 year old?

That is how it started yes. She is 28 and I am 38 now.

Permabear · 24-07-2017 01:28PM

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pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 24-07-2017 01:32PM

Yep that's all perfectly fine. In fact it's so great I hope when your daughters are that age ye have the pleasure of them getting into similar relationships, sure ye'll be delighted.

40 and 18 isn't an age gap, it's a generation gap.

24-07-2017 01:35PM

Sterling Fierce Bag wrote: »

Yep that's all perfectly fine. In fact it's so great I hope when your daughters are that age ye have the pleasure of them getting into similar relationships, sure ye'll be delighted.

Only have one daughter so far and she is 6 so I am not exactly planning her future. To be honest I do not care if she goes out with a limbless lesbian wheel chair fanatic 20 years her senior who suffers from PSTD from being stations in wherever world war 3 turns out to be - so long as she is happy.

My role as a parent is not to select or veto partners for her - but to have her grow up into an emotionally strong - mature - and informed woman who can make such decisions for herself!

In other words when I test the list of criteria for whether I am "delighted" or not - the guy or gals age will probably be way down the list if there at all.

Permabear · 24-07-2017 01:38PM

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Surreptitious · 24-07-2017 01:46PM

I misread this as relationship with 'big baps'.

Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 01:50PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

Know a guy who is 30 and the missus is 20. They got together 10 years ago and they seem like a solid couple.

Yourself isit wrote: »

?

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

You need to word that better

PandaPoo wrote: »

This was me and my husband when we met. I was 21 and he was 31. We got married a year after we met, to most people's disgust at the speed and the age difference.

4 years later, married and happy as ever.

LeBash wrote: »

Ehhh, he was 20 and she was 10 when they got together or they are now 40 and 30.

I see no problem in age gaps. But the fore would be more than messed up.

I am very bemused at posters simply not getting suicide circus's post. It was so obviously a joke!

Kimbot · 24-07-2017 01:53PM

Surreptitious wrote: »

I misread this as relationship with 'big baps'.

But we all know they always work out :pac:

Eircom_Sucks · 24-07-2017 01:58PM

Zaph wrote: »

You know nothing about our relationship so it's not a case of whether you could say anything that I'd accept and more a case of knowing that anything you said would just be you talking out of your arse. Similarly you don't know anything about the circumstances of us getting together, so you're simply making assumptions, and incorrect ones at that. But if that makes you feel good about yourself then who am I to stop you just because I'm actually in possession of the facts?

Must have deep pockets

Pero_Bueno · 24-07-2017 02:14PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

Know a guy who is 30 and the missus is 20. They got together 10 years ago and they seem like a solid couple.

Ah yeah Ahmed !! sound bloke, I don't know his wifes name as shes always walking around in a binbag

Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 02:17PM

Deleted User wrote: »

There is a 10 year gap in my relationship - I have been with her since she was 17 - and she is now 28 and we have started working on her having children. So seems to be lasting so far.

I thought you were in a trouple?

24-07-2017 02:21PM

Ann_Landers wrote: »

I thought you were in a trouple?

Truple we spell it :P but the older of the two is only a 2 year gap so it did not seem relevant. And a few people get antsy on here if I bring it up when it is not relevant :eek: so I left it out. But yes we are 38-36-28 which - when I write it that way - looks like a I am a multi personality disorder patient giving our measurements.

Pero_Bueno · 24-07-2017 02:26PM

Permabear wrote: »

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Peoples brains dont stop fully maturing until they are 23/25 someone who is 40 and is sleeping with an 18 year old - its borderline peadophilia.

18 just happens to be the legal line that has been drawn - doesn't make it right though.

Also, let me guess lots of Daddy issues and religious stuff in there too ??

beauf · 24-07-2017 02:32PM

You mean like Kate Beckinsale.

24-07-2017 02:33PM

Pero_Bueno wrote: »

Peoples brains dont stop fully maturing until they are 23/25

I am not sure the brain stops developing at any point in your life really - there is always something going on there. But really a cliche meme like that is very misleading because it does not speak about what the processes are that are going on at the level of the brain at that age. The word "maturing" is just used to create an emotive link to things like childhood.

By all means figure out what is going on in the brain at that age - what "maturing" is still to be done - and asking what relevance the things on that list have to the dating game.

Pero_Bueno wrote: »

someone who is 40 and is sleeping with an 18 year old - its borderline peadophilia.

Oh hardly

There is nothing pre-pubsescent about an 18 year old. Hell you would not even be on the mark with Hebephilia. I think the word you are looking for is ephebophilia.

However I would distinguish between people who are attracted to others because of their age - and despite their age. For it to be ephebophilia the person in question would require a primary or exclusive attraction to such teens. A person meeting someone they fall for who is younger in a way that is an exception rather than the rule - would not qualify.

Pero_Bueno · 24-07-2017 02:41PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I am not sure the brain stops developing at any point in your life really - there is always something going on there. But really a cliche meme like that is very misleading because it does not speak about what the processes are that are going on at the level of the brain at that age. The word "maturing" is just used to create an emotive link to things like childhood.

By all means figure out what is going on in the brain at that age - what "maturing" is still to be done - and asking what relevance the things on that list have to the dating game.

Oh hardly There is nothing pre-pubsescent about an 18 year old. Hell you would not even be on the mark with Hebephilia. I think the word you are looking for is ephebophilia.

However I would distinguish between people who are attracted to others because of their age - and despite their age. For it to be ephebophilia the person in question would require a primary or exclusive attraction to such teens. A person meeting someone they fall for who is younger in a way that is an exception rather than the rule - would not qualify.

Fair enough actually, it was a strong term to use.

Permabear · 24-07-2017 02:47PM

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beauf · 24-07-2017 02:48PM

Again what about kate?

http://www.independent.ie/style/celebrity/celebrity-news/kate-beckinsale-43-smitten-with-mature-new-actor-boyfriend-matt-rife-22-35910558.html

Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 02:52PM

Permabear wrote: »

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You're reinforcing that poster's point, that legality doesn't excuse it. A North Carolina 16 year old in a relationship with, say, a 35 year old. Do you think most people would be OK with that?

Eircom_Sucks · 24-07-2017 02:58PM

beauf wrote: »

Again what about kate?

http://www.independent.ie/style/celebrity/celebrity-news/kate-beckinsale-43-smitten-with-mature-new-actor-boyfriend-matt-rife-22-35910558.html

Jammy fooktard

Permabear · 24-07-2017 03:19PM

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24-07-2017 03:19PM

Ann_Landers wrote: »

Do you think most people would be OK with that?

I think context is everything in this life and on paper when you give no details _but_ the age of the people involved then a lot more people would not be "ok" with it than often would if they actually met the people.

When my relationship started - the age gap coupled with the whole three people not two people thing - the parents and siblings of the girls were not ok with it at all when they heard. In fact at least one father and one brother of the girls actively wanted me dead for a time.

But as time passed and it became a reality rather than a concept they had been informed of - they very quickly got over it. And in fact even the non-biological grand parents of the kids we have so far consider themselves - and act like - and feel like grand parents every bit as much as the others do. And all the grand parents - be it biological or in name only - are almost as excited as us that the younger of my partners is now essentially actively aiming to become a mammy too.

There are of course going to be creeps and creepy relationships - where the people are into each other not despite what age(s) they are - but because of what ages they are. I think there is a world of difference between "I like him/her a lot - ok they are 10 years my junior but I want to pursue this" and "oh yea - 10 years younger than me - I so want a bit of that!"

Age differences never came into my head when things developed for me. I just got to know them and realised suddenly one day that every path I imagined walking for the rest of my life - I could only envision it with them walking beside me - and the idea of having kids in this world became not just about having kids - but bringing a little more of them into the world too.

Soppy slusshy puke inducing stuff I am sure

but it got real fast and age differences never really figured much into it at all.

One of my favourite life memories is of the dad who actively wanted me dead for a time. A real stereotypical old style "mans man" who never really showed emotion. After leaving our house after a dinner we made for all the parents once he turned on the way out the door - grabbed my elbow in a really manly (in other words painfully intense hehe) grip and just said "There is a lot of love in this house" and walked out. We had a three-way jaw drop at that - it was so out of character. But I guess that was his real moment of acceptance and welcoming for us.

Bandana boy · 24-07-2017 03:31PM

Permabear wrote: »

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Every relationship is different as no two people are the same ,People can only look through the lens of their own experience.
For me at 20 I was quite childish and immature , I didn't believe I was at that time but 20 years later looking at the choices I made I would now asses it differently. I had a partner at 21 who was 10 years older than me who was in a rush to have kids and get married and I almost got caught up in it , I am very glad now I did not as it would have stopped me having many of the experiences I most value in my life.

A 20 year old with 4 kids and a partner 20 years her senior would raise a lot of flags for me , Maybe its all fine and above board and if i knew you both I would feel differently . But those facts on their own I would be very worried about a sister or a friend having this lifestyle.

Lollipops23 · 24-07-2017 03:33PM

I did briefly date a much older guy- I was 25 and he was 41. Honestly we simply had nothing in common, no real shared life experiences etc.

He had nieces and nephews older than me!

24-07-2017 03:36PM

Bandana boy wrote: »

I had a partner at 21 who was 10 years older than me who was in a rush to have kids and get married and I almost got caught up in it , I am very glad now I did not as it would have stopped me having many of the experiences I most value in my life.

It is a shame sometimes we never get to see what our life would be like run a different way. In a parallel universe there is probably another version of you writing something like "I almost did not get caught up on it - as I wanted to have other experiences - but if I had then X would not be true today".

The lens of our own experience is a good way to put it - and often it is a rose tinted lens - and two versions of ourselves who went two entirely opposite ways at a junction in our life would both potentially look back and both be equally glad they made the decision they did.

We will never know

But once we are happy being the maker of the choice we did make - thankfully we are not the ones who will never need to!

Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 03:36PM

Permabear wrote: »

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I think people baulking at a 16 year old being with a 35 year old or indeed an 18 year old being with 40 year old would be pretty universal around the world, whether a more progressive country or not. Just a hunch, I obviously have no stats on that.

Nothing would be done about it of course if it's legal but then again, people's thoughts also aren't illegal. Put this way, if I had offspring in either of the above scenarios, I wouldn't be pleased and would be forthright about it. And if the offspring was a minor, I would completely forbid it.

....... · 24-07-2017 03:43PM

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Ann_Landers · 24-07-2017 03:48PM

....... wrote: »

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And in the West, this is a horrifying concept for many!

....... wrote: »

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Well, nobody is going to spend much time thinking about it unless it's a loved one. The commonplace reaction to the scenarios I've outlined would be "ick" and then getting on with one's days. That's not really investing too much thought into it, is it? Not really approving of it but not really caring either.

....... · 24-07-2017 03:55PM

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seenitall · 24-07-2017 03:56PM

....... wrote: »

Really?

Considering that in many countries in the world arranged marriages of older men to younger women are the norm I doubt it.

Why would anyone care at all so long as legal ages of consent were observed?

As Aayan Hirsi Ali (I think it was her) put it: "arranged marriages = arranged rapes". So I don't think that example is exactly a glowing endorsement of happy and healthy relationships with big age gaps (at least not for the children/women concerned). And that is not even going into the fact that the woman being any bit the older spouse is very much frowned upon in many of these societies, presumably so as not to upset the status quo of man being the dominant partner in all conceivable aspects.

Do relationships with big age gaps last?

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