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Do relationships with big age gaps last?

12357…24

Comments

  • #122
    whoopsadoodles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,058 ✭✭✭whoopsadoodles


    Bambi985 wrote: »
    This line is always trotted out when it comes to things that are sure-fire bets for the future versus things that are statistically unlikely.

    Statistically my 30 year old OH is not going to be run over by a bus and killed on the way to work tomorrow morning. Statistically he's far more likely to still be knocking around and annoying me in his 70s - 80s, at which stage I'll be the same age and sitting across from him in my rocking chair badgering him into making me tea.

    Yeah we might break up between now and then, I might die of a horrible brain tumour or get hit by a train or 200 other unlikely scenarios, who knows? What we do know is that a 20-year relationship age gap will always present the reality of the (usually) woman being a spinster and/or becoming a carer to her partner earlier in life than a woman who didn't marry someone 20 years her senior.

    It's not necessarily a line being "trotted out". It's well believed by those who utter it. I would imagine that most people entering into such a relationship do so with their eyes wide open to all of what you speak of above. But I also imagine they just see the world differently to you, that they see it as "let's live in the here and now" and choose not to dismiss their feelings because they may end up lonely later in life.

    Neither viewpoint is right or wrong, all that matters is the viewpoint you choose for you and that you respect that it may differ from others.


  • #123
    mzungu
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,311 Mod ✭✭✭✭mzungu


    Dirty Dingus McGee wrote: »
    Agree but the scenario I put forward is more quite likely to happen even if everything goes well whereas any other scenario is less likely and relies on bad luck.
    With medical advances, there is a good chance that we will (hopefully) have a good standard of living into our 90s. At some stage, in a lot of relationships, somebody will become the carer at one point. Granted, when there is a large age difference, those chances do rise somewhat. Although, I am sure that most people will be aware of that and have decided to pursue the relationship regardless, I guess that would be where the "in sickness and in health" part comes in.

    It isn't for everybody, and that's fine. In most cases though, both parties will be aware of what may happen and have made the choice that it is worth it to pursue happiness in the here and now with somebody they click with.


  • #124
    LadyMacBeth_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,070 ✭✭✭LadyMacBeth_


    Like I said earlier in the thread, my partner is 5 and a half years older than me, but the chances of her outliving me are extremely high, and by at least 20-30 years. However, she has obviously decided that despite the fact that she will most likely have to be my carer and watch me die one day, she loves me enough to want to be with me, so I think this is probably the case for people with large age gaps. They know the reality of their choice but if you really love someone then the ideal situation tends to be forgotten.


  • #125
    mzungu
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,311 Mod ✭✭✭✭mzungu


    Bambi985 wrote: »
    This line is always trotted out when it comes to things that are sure-fire bets for the future versus things that are statistically unlikely.

    Statistically my 30 year old OH is not going to be run over by a bus and killed on the way to work tomorrow morning. Statistically he's far more likely to still be knocking around and annoying me in his 70s - 80s, at which stage I'll be the same age and sitting across from him in my rocking chair badgering him into making me tea.
    Sure, with a large age difference, those are the risks. Both parties will be aware of this and will have (presumably) talked about it and decided to proceed anyway.
    Bambi985 wrote: »
    Yeah we might break up between now and then, I might die of a horrible brain tumour or get hit by a train or 200 other unlikely scenarios, who knows? What we do know is that a 20-year relationship age gap will always present the reality of the (usually) woman being a spinster and/or becoming a carer to her partner earlier in life than a woman who didn't marry someone 20 years her senior.
    It could happen, but he, or she, could die suddenly of a heart attack at 99 leaving a 77 year old widower behind. Or the illness could be very short. Or the care duties may need to be done by professionals etc. Not every case will be the same. It is a major dose thinking that one day your nearest and dearest will one day be incapacitated, but should that stop them having fun in the here and now? They are consenting adults after all.

    Statistics are all well and good, but every case is going to be different...the human element if you will. It sure won't be the cup of tea for everybody, no question there. But the only people it will impact on are the couple themselves, and they made an informed choice to enter into a relationship so one must assume they are ok with the possibility that they one day might need to be a carer. That possibility does exist in all relationships, all that changes are the odds.


  • #126
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 17,925 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Zaph wrote: »
    Thanks, it's good to know that I'm sad and creepy. When I met my wife I was 41 and she was 23. We've been together over 8 years and married for 5 of them, so I would like to think that your sweeping generalisation doesn't apply. :rolleyes:

    If she's not from Thailand it's probably fine.


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  • #127
    Dirty Dingus McGee
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,631 ✭✭✭Dirty Dingus McGee


    mzungu wrote: »
    With medical advances, there is a good chance that we will (hopefully) have a good standard of living into our 90s. At some stage, in a lot of relationships, somebody will become the carer at one point. Granted, when there is a large age difference, those chances do rise somewhat. Although, I am sure that most people will be aware of that and have decided to pursue the relationship regardless, I guess that would be where the "in sickness and in health" part comes in.

    It isn't for everybody, and that's fine. In most cases though, both parties will be aware of what may happen and have made the choice that it is worth it to pursue happiness in the here and now with somebody they click with.

    It's more of a problem though when someone who is a lot younger has to sacrifice their own life to do then it is for people of similar ages.

    I do wonder when you see all these younger women with men 20 years older will they regret it when it gets to that stage and they realize they have to spend some really good years of their own lives doing something they wouldn't normally have to.


  • #128
    mzungu
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,311 Mod ✭✭✭✭mzungu


    Dirty Dingus McGee wrote: »
    It's more of a problem though when someone who is a lot younger has to sacrifice their own life to do then it is for people of similar ages.
    I doubt they see it as a problem or a sacrifice. This is the person they were in love with after all. It won't be pleasant, but I am sure they realised long before that at some stage this may happen.
    Dirty Dingus McGee wrote: »
    I do wonder when you see all these younger women with men 20 years older will they regret it when it gets to that stage and they realize they have to spend some really good years of their own lives doing something they wouldn't normally have to.
    If they did regret it, then it was never a proper union to begin with IMO. When people look after their elderly parents, do they regret that relationship too? Or if a child needs constant medical care, do parents regret having that child? A fact of life is that at some stage you will probably have to do things that you never envisaged yourself doing. If somebody is not prepared to do that, then I would advise that they steer clear of relationships, because the perfect life of constant health and happiness is unlikely to happen.


  • #129
    Dirty Dingus McGee
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,631 ✭✭✭Dirty Dingus McGee


    mzungu wrote: »
    I doubt they see it as a problem or a sacrifice. This is the person they were in love with after all. It won't be pleasant, but I am sure they realised long before that at some stage this may happen.


    If they did regret it, then it was never a proper union to begin with IMO. When people look after their elderly parents, do they regret that relationship too? Or if a child needs constant medical care, do parents regret having that child? A fact of life is that at some stage you will probably have to do things that you never envisaged yourself doing. If somebody is not prepared to do that, then I would advise that they steer clear of relationships, because the perfect life of constant health and happiness is unlikely to happen.

    The difference is with the parent child relationship is that it's not a choice and you do it because that is the way life is.I'm also pretty sure parents and children end up resenting each other for various reasons as well.

    It's not unreasonable that an age gap could cause regrets towards the end if one person has to sacrifice something for the other one and they then realise maybe it would have been better to find someone closer to my own age.


  • #130
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Age gaps can be "bigger" than the amount of years too, depending on certain factors. Someone close to me had a relationship with a woman nine years older than him when he was in his early twenties. Would have been giving it all the "I'm an adult, age is just a number, love is love". Fast forward a couple of years and he's a mess because he was totally unmatched to her controlling, gaslighting, general loony tunes bullshít. Obviously a woman his own age could have been the same sort but she wouldn't have been at so much of an advantage.

    Another man I know, in his early thirties now, similar age gapwith his partner, same abusive behaviour.

    Women I've known have gone out with men 15+ years older than them and it gradually turned into a stomach churningly paternalistic dynamic. Maybe that's more of a generational thing (these men were born in the 1960s) but they didn't seem able to not treat the woman they were fcuking like a child, and that's what made it creepy.

    All of these experiences colour my attitudes towards age gap relationships, I can't help being a bit judgemental towards them because in the majority of cases where a friend has gotten into one the younger partner is at a big disadvantage so yes I'm suspicious of people's motives. They can work and they do work and fair play to all the posters here who've found someone who makes them happy and followed their heart but there are good reasons why people have reservations.


  • #131
    mzungu
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,311 Mod ✭✭✭✭mzungu


    Dirty Dingus McGee wrote: »
    The difference is with the parent child relationship is that it's not a choice and you do it because that is the way life is.
    It is though, a choice was made to have the child. Just the same as a choice was made to enter into a relationship. Both cases require one to step up to the mantle and take responsibility. Life won't always give us what we want.
    Dirty Dingus McGee wrote: »
    It's not unreasonable that an age gap could cause regrets towards the end if one person has to sacrifice something for the other one and they then realise maybe it would have been better to find someone closer to my own age.
    But they would have known that this situation could occur at some point. If they get buyers remorse 30 or 40 years down the line when things start to go south, then what does that say about them? If they are only in a relationship for the good times but resent their partner, or regret the relationship in the bad times then they really should never have entered into it in the first place. In fact they should never enter any kind of relationship period. What you are describing above is a certain kind of personality trait that would manifest no matter what the relationship dynamics were. For example, lets say they were the same age one of them gets an illness quite young and the other would then be thinking "Ah, I wish I married my first love instead then this wouldn't have happened". It is a really negative way of viewing human relationships IMO and makes people out to be expendible, and/or inconvenient the moment they become incapacitated.


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  • #132
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 38,989 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #133
    Kivaro
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,105 ✭✭✭Kivaro


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.


    And 26.7% of the population will probably agree with that.


  • #134
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I don't think age is a factor so much as attitude and where you are in life. I could see myself dating a guy in his 30's ( I'm 40 ) if he was at a similar life stage to me regards family, kids etc. If that same guy wanted to be out partying every weekend not a hope it would last. I'd rather date a person much older/younger on my wave length.


  • #135
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 38,989 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #136
    Vela
    Closed Accounts Posts: 437 ✭✭Vela


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.

    She sounds like my kind of person. You're very lucky to have found her :)


  • #137
    daenne
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 53 ✭✭daenne


    What do they say, love has no limits? I could agree with that if I'd be and endless romantic. I think 10 year gap is ok, but more than that is too much, at least for me. I have nothing in common with guys my age, I think they're boyish and I want a man. As simple as that, if I'm looking for a date, I wouldn't even consider someone my age.


  • #138
    The_Lonely_Eno
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2 ✭The_Lonely_Eno


    I think age-gap relationships can work fine until the the older person in the relationship passes a certain age; then the age difference really begins to show a lot more.

    For example, if the woman is 43 and the man is 25, I can imagine it's quite exciting at first for both parties. For the guy, he's with a sexy, experienced woman who knows what she wants from life. For her, she's with a fit younger man who wants her and who perhaps doesn't carry as much baggage as a man her own age. However, when he’s 45 and she’s 63... If he takes care of himself and is successful career-wise, he's going to be very attractive to women his own age(and younger) and his partner is going to be all too aware of this. He's going to have a higher 'social value' than her. And apart from the issue of children, there’s the natural ageing process. For a lot of women, this significant physical change can have quite an affect on their partner. A 63 year old's physical needs can differ greatly from those of a 45 year old. Just my opinion.


  • #139
    batistuta9
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,707 ✭✭✭batistuta9


    daenne wrote: »
    What do they say, love has no limits? I could agree with that if I'd be and endless romantic. I think 10 year gap is ok, but more than that is too much, at least for me. I have nothing in common with guys my age, I think they're boyish and I want a man. As simple as that, if I'm looking for a date, I wouldn't even consider someone my age.

    What age are you?


  • #140
    daenne
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 53 ✭✭daenne


    batistuta9 wrote: »
    What age are you?

    I'm 27


  • #141
    batistuta9
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,707 ✭✭✭batistuta9


    daenne wrote: »
    I'm 27


    Really? Reading it I guessed early/mid twenties. That's where I think a big difference in attitudes starts to emerge

    What makes them boyish to you?


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  • #142
    daenne
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 53 ✭✭daenne


    batistuta9 wrote: »
    Really? Reading it I guessed early/mid twenties. That's where I think a big difference in attitudes starts to emerge

    What makes them boyish to you?

    Well I can't say all, I'm talking only about the ones I know, even my mates from college. They're just not mature enough I guess, travelling the world and going without job in their age doesn't scream responsible to me, clubbing, drinking seems the only kind of fun they know. They are not willing to settle down, get a house, get a dog etc. I am focused, career oriented, ambitious. I want someone who shares the same values and goals in life, who wants to see the world together with me not the inside of a pub every Saturday night.


  • #143
    fatherted1969
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,599 ✭✭✭fatherted1969


    My mother married my father when she was 19 and he was 49. Sounds a bit crazy nowadays but wasn't back in the 60s. Single farmer wedding someone so young wasn't unheard of. He died suddenly 10 years later in 74, she wed again in 75, he was 7 years older, he died 8 years later, married again in 87, she was 3 years older this time. He died 2 years ago. She's a tough oul bird me ma. Has overcome a huge amount of personal tragedy in her life


  • #144
    Stigura
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,692 ✭✭✭Stigura


    No. She died years ago.


  • #145
    AllForIt
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,852 ✭✭✭AllForIt


    mdwexford wrote: »
    You don't seem to understand or have any sort of reading comprehension what so ever.

    My opinion if you are so eager to hear it is a 40 something year old going out with a 20 year old is super creepy. As is a 25 year old going out with a 17 year old or anything similar.

    It's whatsoever not what so ever.

    Earlier you said I was putting words in your mouth but in your comment you have said exactly what I though your opinion is on the matter. So If I did put words in your mouth then I clearly put the right words.

    And once again as I stated in a previous post you are inferring as others have done that age gaps between grown adults is tantamount to having sex with a child. Why else would you use the term 'super creepy' or make a comparison between a 25yo having a relationship with a 17yo. "Or anything similar" to quote you. It's obvious what you mean by that.
    mdwexford wrote: »
    I was asked my opinion.

    I gave my opinion.

    I couldn't care less what you think "matters".

    Nobody cares what you think is 'super creepy' in the case of ppl who are of legal age to engage in any sexual relations they so wish.


  • #146
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 38,989 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #147
    Lollipops23
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,420 ✭✭✭Lollipops23


    My mam and my step dad have a 12 year age gap.

    Happily married (17 years) and living the life retired to rural France.


  • #148
    Kimbot
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 19,071 Mod ✭✭✭✭Kimbot


    Some age gap relationships can last and some can't.

    Its the same as any relationship so age shouldnt be a deciding factor in it when everything is legal.


  • #149
    daithi7
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,636 ✭✭✭daithi7


    The_Lonely_Eno wrote: »
    I think age-gap relationships can work fine until the the older person in the relationship passes a certain age; then the age difference really begins to show a lot more.

    For example, if the woman is 43 and the man is 25, I can imagine it's quite exciting at first for both parties. For the guy, he's with a sexy, experienced woman who knows what she wants from life. For her, she's with a fit younger man who wants her and who perhaps doesn't carry as much baggage as a man her own age. However, when he’s 45 and she’s 63... If he takes care of himself and is successful career-wise, he's going to be very attractive to women his own age(and younger) and his partner is going to be all too aware of this. He's going to have a higher 'social value' than her. And apart from the issue of children, there’s the natural ageing process. For a lot of women, this significant physical change can have quite an affect on their partner. A 63 year old's physical needs can differ greatly from those of a 45 year old. Just my opinion.

    Very good post.
    As a matter of interest what wound you think of the scenario if the genders in your example were reversed

    E.g. when a say 48 year old guy meets a 30 year old woman, that sound probably work OK in many (most) cases imho, but how would they be when he is a 63 year old guy having ended up with a 45 year old woman say??

    What do you or others think??
    Curious...


  • #150
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,344 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    There is a 10 year gap in my relationship - I have been with her since she was 17 - and she is now 28 and we have started working on her having children. So seems to be lasting so far.


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  • #151
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    There is a 10 year gap in my relationship - I have been with her since she was 17 - and she is now 28 and we have started working on her having children. So seems to be lasting so far.

    Sorry what. 27 and going out with a 17 year old?


This discussion has been closed.
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