Do relationships with big age gaps last?

Burial. · 22-07-2017 11:03PM

AllForIt wrote: »

That's nonsense. If a 20 year old committed murder they would be tried as an adult and given the same life sentence as if they were 50, and rightly so.

What you are disgustingly inferring is that if an older man has a sexual relationship with a 20 years old it's tantamount to having sex with a child.

A 20 year old is not a child. A 20 yo can vote, work, do whatever they like. They are not as life experienced as an older person but they are mentally and physically fully formed adults.

Quite a few ridiculous posts in this thread but this takes the cake.

missyb01 · 22-07-2017 11:03PM

I'm 36, my partner is 54, we are together 10 years and it works absolutely perfect for us. all our friends and family thought it was some sort of mid life crisis thing for him or sugar daddy thing for me but it wasn't the case at all

Jobs OXO · 22-07-2017 11:05PM

Only if the wan is the youngest

Permabear · 22-07-2017 11:13PM

This post has been deleted.

Permabear · 22-07-2017 11:15PM

This post has been deleted.

JupiterKid · 22-07-2017 11:30PM

My ex is 10 years older than I and we were together for over 8 years and remain the closest friends to this day, over 16 years after we met.

Every relationship is different. Yes, a very big age gap can be an issue but often not with the couple themselves but friends and family who judge them.

23-07-2017 12:05AM

As women statistically live longer than men, pity the woman in her later years who married a guy 20 or even 10 years older than her.

Dying and leaving your younger wife financially secure but alone in the world is not much compensation.

AllForIt · 23-07-2017 12:21AM

mdwexford wrote: »

Why are you being deliberately obtuse.

Obviously he means a lot of people that age still have some maturing to do.

Pac1Man wrote: »

Try to read posts in the context in which they were written rather than taking the content so literally.

So your both just making an irrelevant point about ppl maturing as they get older. For what reason would you make this irrelevant point.

Everyone matures and becomes more wise as they get older. The inference your making is clear, i.e a 20 yo is neither sexually or mentally mature enough to make their own choices.

mdwexford · 23-07-2017 12:30AM

AllForIt wrote: »

So your both just making an irrelevant point about ppl maturing as they get older. For what reason would you make this irrelevant point.

Everyone matures and becomes more wise as they get older. The inference your making is clear, i.e a 20 yo is neither sexually or mentally mature enough to make their own choices.

I'm not making any point.

I was correcting another poster who was posting nonsense on purpose.

Hope this helps.

I'm also not inferring anything of the sort so you can stop putting words in my mouth.

jimmy180sx · 23-07-2017 12:37AM

Read this as big ass gaps

AllForIt · 23-07-2017 12:59AM

mdwexford wrote: »

I'm not making any point.

I was correcting another poster who was posting nonsense on purpose.

Hope this helps.

I'm also not inferring anything of the sort so you can stop putting words in my mouth.

Oh so you thought you'd just moderate the thread but you've got no opinion on the subject matter yourself. Right.

Strazdas · 23-07-2017 01:38AM

Deleted User wrote: »

As women statistically live longer than men, pity the woman in her later years who married a guy 20 or even 10 years older than her.

Dying and leaving your younger wife financially secure but alone in the world is not much compensation.

Though that would have been the norm for the last 100 years or more, even with couples of a similar enough age. For a variety of reasons, women have tended to outlive their husbands - in previous decades, the men would probably have had very demanding and unhealthy lifestyles and would often have checked out long before their wives.

I'd say too that couple with an age gap are quite okay with the realities of how it might pan out in later life and it's not enough for them to knock the relationship on the head - these days, there's as much risk of a divorce or separation as one of them being widowed.

Vela · 23-07-2017 01:52AM

Pac1Man wrote: »

You're basically still a child at twenty. Who knows what they are at that age?

I did. It's all down to life experience. Everyone is different. I'd been living independently for almost 4 years at 20.

What I'm saying is, you can speak for yourself - but you can't really speak for anyone else when it comes to this kind of thing.

Baron Kurtz · 23-07-2017 02:15AM

Zaph wrote: »

You know nothing about our relationship so it's not a case of whether you could say anything that I'd accept and more a case of knowing that anything you said would just be you talking out of your arse. Similarly you don't know anything about the circumstances of us getting together, so you're simply making assumptions, and incorrect ones at that. But if that makes you feel good about yourself then who am I to stop you just because I'm actually in possession of the facts?

Are you the lady in the relationship? 0-90 hissyfit.

annascott · 23-07-2017 03:38AM

This: IMG_0533.JPG

daithi7 · 23-07-2017 04:01AM

A wise man once told me about that the ideal age for a female partner was half my age + 7 years.

I remember discounting the advice from this experienced guy as just poking fun as
Firstly, Half my age +7 would make an ideal partner quite young when I was 30.,and
Secondly, that if that indeed is the ideal age for a female partner, a. guy really should change his partner every 2 years say t to ensure the new one can be the Ilatest ideal age.

As I've grown older and ' more mature ', I've realised that the wise man is probably right.... on all counts!!!

Wibbs · 23-07-2017 08:46AM

pumpkin4life wrote: »

The more men a woman sleeps with, the more likely the relationship will fall apart.

Them's American stats and don't translate well elsewhere. Especially to Ireland. We on average marry later and are far less religious these days. For example people "saving themselves for marriage" are more likely to be religious and the religious are less likely to divorce. It would also depend on social status and background culture. So the Amish are less likely to divorce than middle class Connecticut suburbanites. Sure, someone who has more notches than bedpost is likely to be less stable in a relationship, but beyond that there's not much one can infer.

mdwexford · 23-07-2017 09:18AM

AllForIt wrote: »

Oh so you thought you'd just moderate the thread but you've got no opinion on the subject matter yourself. Right.

You don't seem to understand or have any sort of reading comprehension what so ever.

My opinion if you are so eager to hear it is a 40 something year old going out with a 20 year old is super creepy. As is a 25 year old going out with a 17 year old or anything similar.

Pac1Man · 23-07-2017 10:44AM

AllForIt wrote: »

So your both just making an irrelevant point about ppl maturing as they get older. For what reason would you make this irrelevant point.

How is that irrelevant?

23-07-2017 10:50AM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

As women statistically live longer than men, pity the woman in her later years who married a guy 20 or even 10 years older than her.

Dying and leaving your younger wife financially secure but alone in the world is not much compensation.

Perhaps but I like to think there are people who would prefer a loving relationship now rather than thinking I should end this because my partner will die before me.

Fuaranach anything can happen. Lives can be changed in the blink of an eye. Who is to say illness or tragedy won't strike the woman leaving behind her husband.

Dirty Dingus McGee · 23-07-2017 10:57AM

Deleted User wrote: »

Perhaps but I like to think there are people who would prefer a loving relationship now rather than thinking I should end this because my partner will die before me.

Fuaranach anything can happen. Lives can be changed in the blink of an eye. Who is to say illness or tragedy won't strike the woman leaving behind her husband.

Are you honestly telling me this doesn't happen or is what would turn people off being with someone a good deal older than them.

Can't be much fun for a woman in her 60's having to become a care giver to an man 20 years older than her and then facing the prospect of being alone in her 60's.

23-07-2017 11:02AM

Dirty Dingus McGee wrote: »

Are you honestly telling me this doesn't happen or is what would turn people off being with someone a good deal older than them.

Can't be much fun for a woman in her 60's having to become a care giver to an man 20 years older than her and then facing the prospect of being alone in her 60's.

I'm an old romantic at heart you see. I like to think that ten years of amazing love is better than a lifetime of misery. Also I try not to go to far in to the future with 'what ifs' and focus on what I have right now.

Mind you that's just my view on it but something which there is no avoiding is the possibility of events outside of your control which will change everything. Perhaps leaving the man alone.

LeBash · 23-07-2017 11:02AM

suicide_circus wrote: »

Know a guy who is 30 and the missus is 20. They got together 10 years ago and they seem like a solid couple.

Ehhh, he was 20 and she was 10 when they got together or they are now 40 and 30.

I see no problem in age gaps. But the fore would be more than messed up.

mdwexford · 23-07-2017 11:10AM

SodaBottle wrote: »

Whether you think it's "creepy" or not is irrelevant, whatever that even means. All that matters is two people are happy together.

I was asked my opinion.

I gave my opinion.

I couldn't care less what you think "matters".

mzungu · 23-07-2017 11:18AM

Dirty Dingus McGee wrote: »

Are you honestly telling me this doesn't happen or is what would turn people off being with someone a good deal older than them.

Can't be much fun for a woman in her 60's having to become a care giver to an man 20 years older than her and then facing the prospect of being alone in her 60's.

Nobody knows what the future will bring. One could be struck down with a serious illness in their twenties, leaving their other half to become both carer and parent for the rest of their life. I have seen it happen unfortunately, there are no guarantees.

Dirty Dingus McGee · 23-07-2017 11:25AM

mzungu wrote: »

Nobody knows what the future will bring. One could be struck down with a serious illness in their twenties, leaving their other half to become both carer and parent for the rest of their life. I have seen it happen unfortunately, there are no guarantees.

Agree but the scenario I put forward is more quite likely to happen even if everything goes well whereas any other scenario is less likely and relies on bad luck.

Bambi985 · 23-07-2017 11:34AM

mzungu wrote: »

Nobody knows what the future will bring.

This line is always trotted out when it comes to things that are sure-fire bets for the future versus things that are statistically unlikely.

Statistically my 30 year old OH is not going to be run over by a bus and killed on the way to work tomorrow morning. Statistically he's far more likely to still be knocking around and annoying me in his 70s - 80s, at which stage I'll be the same age and sitting across from him in my rocking chair badgering him into making me tea.

Yeah we might break up between now and then, I might die of a horrible brain tumour or get hit by a train or 200 other unlikely scenarios, who knows? What we do know is that a 20-year relationship age gap will always present the reality of the (usually) woman being a spinster and/or becoming a carer to her partner earlier in life than a woman who didn't marry someone 20 years her senior.

mdwexford · 23-07-2017 11:34AM

SodaBottle wrote: »

Well you do because you replied to my post.

Yes to correct you on your comment about my post.

Your thoughts on the matter are immaterial to me.

OnTheCouch · 23-07-2017 11:42AM

An interesting topic. I would be naturally biased towards the "yes" response, given that there is close to 15 years between my parents and they have been going strong now for over 40 years.

Mind you, I would, if I were to give general advice on this topic, say that as a general rule, 15 years or so would be the maximum age gap recommended for the relationship to have a good chance of lasting the course. As more than this leads to hypothetical possibilities of the older partner being the same age as the younger one's parents, which brings many issues into play. Plus you can then have a generational gap at play, which can lead to other problems. However, there have been numerous examples already in this thread how larger age gaps than 15 years appear to be working, so this is clearly not a hard and fast rule.

Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons and this is undeniably true. In some cases it may be the age difference that leads to the rupture, but I would argue that it is equally as likely to be something else, which would be the case in couples much closer in age as well.

Society in general is patently not comfortable however with gaps over 10-15 years, whether this is down to jealousy, envy or the fear that the older partner is taking advantage of the younger one's lack of life experience, I'm not really sure to be honest. Any man going out with a significantly younger woman will inevitably be faced with comments such as "can't you get someone your own age?" "she's like a child," "it's disgusting," "you're a pervert," etc. AllForIt made an excellent point earlier by saying that in such scenarios people inevitably assume the younger woman was manipulated into the relationship by the older man, that she was incapable of making an independent judgement of her own. And so the parents/family/friends of the younger lady tend to be against the older man. I think this is very disrespectful, as unless she is 15 or something like that, I would be fairly sure the lady has considered all pros and cons before entering into such an arrangement, as anyone would do before getting into a new relationship, irrespective of age.

Mind you, older women dating younger men tend to get an even worse reaction, with people simply assuming she is nuts, as there is no "perv" excuse (ie assuming the ostensible but often apocryphal fact that the man has a stronger sex drive) and people simply feel pity for her. There is an automatic assumption that it won't last and the younger man will be after someone his own age before too long. The cougar phenomenon has reduced this mentality somewhat, but the standard reaction if a woman dates someone younger than five years than her is bemusement. Or that she isn't serious about him. This can be perhaps explained by the fact that men in general mature less fast than women do, plus how many women will still categorically dismiss any man who is younger than them as a relationship prospect straight away, but the reaction is still noteworthy.

Not wanting to generalise too much, but in my experience women tend to get a little disillusioned with the party scene at around 21-23 and often want to get into serious relationships after this. (Obviously they can have relationships before also, but they tend to often be fleeting). So if two people are suited, and the age gap is not too extreme, I see no real issue why any relationship, as long as the younger person is not 19 or something cannot last. And if it does fail, it will do so for other reasons, as outlined earlier on.

23-07-2017 11:45AM

Bambi985 wrote: »

This line is always trotted out when it comes to things that are sure-fire bets for the future versus things that are statistically unlikely.

Statistically my 30 year old OH is not going to be run over by a bus and killed on the way to work tomorrow morning. Statistically he's far more likely to still be knocking around and annoying me in his 70s - 80s, at which stage I'll be the same age and sitting across from him in my rocking chair badgering him into making me tea.

Yeah we might break up between now and then, I might die of a horrible brain tumour or get hit by a train or 200 other unlikely scenarios, who knows? What we do know is that a 20-year relationship age gap will always present the reality of the (usually) woman being a spinster and/or becoming a carer to her partner earlier in life than a woman who didn't marry someone 20 years her senior.

All of that is accurate. Yet actual experiences and feelings are greater than statistics. There is a reality but for me it doesn't matter as long as the relationship is worth it, where you feel it doesn't matter if he dies before you because what you have right now is like nothing you've ever had before.

Do relationships with big age gaps last?

Comments