Boss keeps texting me. Creepy.

homerjay2005 · 17-07-2017 02:56PM

Porklife wrote: »

Yes I would and it would turn me off him as a person. I think messaging somebody drunk at 2am is very unprofessional. He asked for my number to message me in a work capacity but instead used it to send a barrage of non-work related topics and pictures on a daily basis.

I also think forcing someone to reply to your messages is pushy. If I didn't reply he'd ask me constantly why I'm not replying. If anyone has ulterior motives here it's him. I just want to work hard and have my efforts recognised by way of a reference. I completed a lot of successful projects and feel that's only fair.

so STOP replying to him, and move on. you say he is unprofessional yet you keep saying its not work related.

he will eventually get the message if you stop replying. or reply maybe once every 3 or 4 days, then once every 6 or 7 days and then cut completely. if its on wattsapp he is messaging you, you can hide if you have read the message and are online or just dont read his messages so it will look like you never got them.

you can control this, if you really really put your mind to it;

Porklife · 17-07-2017 03:03PM

homerjay2005 wrote: »

so STOP replying to him, and move on. you say he is unprofessional yet you keep saying its not work related.

he will eventually get the message if you stop replying. or reply maybe once every 3 or 4 days, then once every 6 or 7 days and then cut completely. if its on wattsapp he is messaging you, you can hide if you have read the message and are online or just dont read his messages so it will look like you never got them.

you can control this, if you really really put your mind to it;

If I don't reply, he just keeps texting until I do reply. Messaging someone drunk at 2am saying you feel meloncholy and a picture of a glass of wine is most definitely unprofessional.

If tables were turned and I was messaging a co-worker like that I'd lose my job.

I have asked him to only contact me if it's in a work capacity but he doesn't stick to that. He starts sending photos of his dinner and articles about bands he knows I like etc.

I can't do much else. I'm not leading him on in nay way. I can get a reference from the new CEO so I don't actually need anything from him. He makes me very uncomfortable. He messaged me earlier and I ignored it but I know that he won't let that lie. He'll start asking me what's wrong etc. Again, I'll ask Can I assist you with anything work related and he'll send back photos of his lunch!

It's very frustrating.

groovyg · 17-07-2017 03:08PM

Op you can block his number both on text msg and whatsapp, why haven't you done this?

Porklife · 17-07-2017 03:12PM

groovyg wrote: »

Op you can block his number both on text msg and whatsapp, why haven't you done this?

Because I confided in my friends at work about what was happening and was advised not to. I was worried about the reference but also because he's a very influential, well known person in the industry I want to work in. I was worried it may damage my career. He is very well connected. I enjoyed working with him until the end when I noticed comments about my appearance became more frequent etc. I was worried is the simple answer and I still am.

homerjay2005 · 17-07-2017 03:13PM

Porklife wrote: »

If I don't reply, he just keeps texting until I do reply. Messaging someone drunk at 2am saying you feel meloncholy and a picture of a glass of wine is most definitely unprofessional.

If tables were turned and I was messaging a co-worker like that I'd lose my job.

I have asked him to only contact me if it's in a work capacity but he doesn't stick to that. He starts sending photos of his dinner and articles about bands he knows I like etc.

I can't do much else. I'm not leading him on in nay way. I can get a reference from the new CEO so I don't actually need anything from him. He makes me very uncomfortable. He messaged me earlier and I ignored it but I know that he won't let that lie. He'll start asking me what's wrong etc. Again, I'll ask Can I assist you with anything work related and he'll send back photos of his lunch!

It's very frustrating.

whats frustrating is your constant inability to listen to what we are telling you. just STOP reading and replying to his messages.

you are, in some respect, leading him on and until you stop doing this, you can only take some of the blame here. if you stop replying and start ignoring, he will give up.

we cant tell you anymore, its bizzare you cant be mature enough just to ignore him.

groovyg · 17-07-2017 03:22PM

If you block him on text how he going to know he is blocked. I was getting spam calls from a UK number a few months back, I added it the black list. They did try calling me everyday for about three weeks afterwards and even tried another number which I blocked as well. The calls never came through to me tho, I just got a message on my phone telling me the number I had blocked tried to call me.

Porklife · 17-07-2017 03:27PM

homerjay2005 wrote: »

whats frustrating is your constant inability to listen to what we are telling you. just STOP reading and replying to his messages.

you are, in some respect, leading him on and until you stop doing this, you can only take some of the blame here. if you stop replying and start ignoring, he will give up.

we cant tell you anymore, its bizzare you cant be mature enough just to ignore him.

Do you not see at all where I'm coming from in relation to it potentially damaging my career? He's on television a lot and is very well know in this sector. I'm just trying to protect myself. The fact that he gets so worked up if I take my time replying indicates to me that he'd be out for blood if I actually blocked him.

I'm listening to all the advice and I appreciate it all. I'm just trying to figure out the best move. If I block him, I'm worried it will backfire. If I apply for a new job in this sector, my new boss will know him, that much is guaranteed and he could easily say something negative about me to spite me if I ignore him.
Can you not see my side at all?

homerjay2005 · 17-07-2017 03:28PM

groovyg wrote: »

If you block him on text how he going to know he is blocked. I was getting spam calls from a UK number a few months back, I added it the black list. They did try calling me everyday for about three weeks afterwards and even tried another number which I blocked as well. The calls never came through to me tho, I just got a message on my phone telling me the number I had blocked tried to call me.

she doesnt need to block him. just mute his number on wattsapp and ignore everything for a few weeks. if she doesnt read the messages, then she wont get upset or frustrated.

he will give up eventually.

Porklife · 17-07-2017 03:30PM

homerjay2005 wrote: »

she doesnt need to block him. just mute his number on wattsapp and ignore everything for a few weeks. if she doesnt read the messages, then she wont get upset or frustrated.

he will give up eventually.

But do you think he'd still say positive things about me if a future employer called him? That's what's worrying me the most.

homerjay2005 · 17-07-2017 03:34PM

Porklife wrote: »

But do you think he'd still say positive things about me if a future employer called him? That's what's worrying me the most.

its a much better bet than whats going to inevitably happen if whats going on now continues.

groovyg · 17-07-2017 03:36PM

Porklife wrote: »

But do you think he'd still say positive things about me if a future employer called him? That's what's worrying me the most.

but sure you don't need to put him down as a referee you said in an earlier post you can get one from the CEO.

Porklife wrote: »

I can't do much else. I'm not leading him on in nay way. I can get a reference from the new CEO so I don't actually need anything from him. He makes me very uncomfortable. He messaged me earlier and I ignored it but I know that he won't let that lie. He'll start asking me what's wrong etc. Again, I'll ask Can I assist you with anything work related and he'll send back photos of his lunch!

It's very frustrating.

Porklife · 17-07-2017 03:38PM

homerjay2005 wrote: »

its a much better bet than whats going to inevitably happen if whats going on now continues.

Yeah, I guess that's just a risk I'll have to take. Maybe he'll see that it was an inappropriate level of contact and content and will still say positive things. Maybe!
Thanks for the advice.

retro:electro · 17-07-2017 05:11PM

Op you need to take some responsibility for the situation you are in. You are not being any way active in telling him to stop. From his side things are hunky dorey- you agreed to the concert and are obliging his constant messages. As long as you indulge his behaviour he'll never stop.
You need to ignore him. If the barrages of message continue you need to ignore them too. If blocking him isn't an option for you then just continue to ignore everything until he gets bored and hopefully, embarrassed.

professore · 17-07-2017 05:34PM

messy tessy wrote: »

Creepy...uncomfortable...makes her skin crawl.

I think that is pretty clear!

Not defending the guy necessarily, but that's how she feels about HIM ... it doesn't necessarily follow that he is behaving in any way creepy. It might be just he is a complete turn off to her. From what she's posted, he hasn't done anything sleazy or inappropriate. If George Clooney was behaving in exactly the same way she might see it as charming or romantic.

He might genuinely think she fancies him, as she has accepted all his advances so far. In his head she is giving all the signals of someone who is into him. It is often difficult for men to gauge whether a woman is genuinely interested, playing games, bored, leading them on, or a hundred other possibilities. Ask any guy who isn't a player, they will all tell you that.

OP I think you need to make it clear in no uncertain terms where you stand. Also is this guy married? If so threaten to tell his wife.

professore · 17-07-2017 05:36PM

anna080 wrote: »

Op you need to take some responsibility for the situation you are in. You are not being any way active in telling him to stop. From his side things are hunky dorey- you agreed to the concert and are obliging his constant messages. As long as you indulge his behaviour he'll never stop.
You need to ignore him. If the barrages of message continue you need to ignore them too. If blocking him isn't an option for you then just continue to ignore everything until he gets bored and hopefully, embarrassed.

I think she needs to proactively tell him rather than just ignore. Threaten to play the sexual harassment card if he doesn't back off.

retro:electro · 17-07-2017 05:47PM

professore wrote: »

I think she needs to proactively tell him rather than just ignore. Threaten to play the sexual harassment card if he doesn't back off.

I agree and it's what I would do but the op hasn't a notion of doing that!

leggo · 17-07-2017 06:34PM

Can we nip this 'creepy is subjective' notion in the bud please? We all know creepy when we see it. If you were to put a definition on it you could say, "consistent unwanted attention despite the lack of positive affirmation." That sums up this guy and pretty much all instances I can think of where I'd consider someone creepy. The lack of positive affirmation is the key part. It's a big deal: in America they're talking about changing laws of consent to include enthusiastic, positive affirmation because so many people misunderstand that. The OP isn't telling him no directly, but she's not telling him yes either, and that counts! So it's totally understandable why she's getting her back up because, whether people mean it or not, she's being victim-blamed! She's done nothing to deserve this, this man just completely imposed on her life without permission. Yet it's been put to her (and she's even been called names and insulted multiple times now) that it's her fault. Of course she's going to have her back up!

Also...it's so easy to turn around and tell someone to tell their boss to **** off or ignore messages when you don't have to go into work tomorrow in the career OP has spent years building up a reputation in. That's like when people idly suggest people end marriages or serious relationships over minor things. Her point there is completely understandable too.

Have some empathy lads, even in your tone if nothing else. Your inconvenience (of being frustrated the OP isn't doing exactly what you think she should with her life) is nothing compared to the distress of being sexually harassed. This place is usually a fantastic resource for helping people, but this thread has let it down a bit IMO.

batmanrobin · 17-07-2017 06:37PM

OP, if you can get a reference from the new CEO as you say, then you don't need to pander to this guy.

Tell him straight out that if he messages you in a non-work related capacity, you will be bringing the messages to the attention of HR. Tell him that his other messages make you uncomfortable and you don't want to receive any more messages like that. Use those words, you can't be vague or softly softly, it will be ignored.

Keep the messages, and if he tries to bad mouth you then at least you will have proof that his messages made you uncomfortable and you told him to stop.

Stand up for yourself and stop being so afraid of this man. You're going to have to let the chips fall where they might after that.

FAILSAFE 00 · 17-07-2017 08:43PM

He has a lot more to lose than you OP. He is married and as you have stated he has a very good reputation in the industry.

You need to take control and simply tell him to stop.

tara73 · 17-07-2017 09:58PM

it's really shocking how some posters here gauge the situation, saying this guy has done nothing wrong, after all the OP clarified, and saying 'he just really likes her'. This is ridiculous, makes my blood boil, because I've been in such situations and most of the women working have experienced more or less this abuse of power from bosses. It's a disgrace.

A written reference is often worth nothing, bosses from the same profession know each other, playing golf with each other or whatever. They phone each other to gather information directly about job applicants, just as the OP is assuming or knowing.
I had exactly this situation, left a job because the boss obviously had some personal interest in me, me not in him. I had a job interview and the boss was telling me he would like to employ me, he just wanted to talk to ... (my former boss) he knows him from playing golf.
After that talk things changed and he didn't wanted to employ me anymore. I was shocked, asked him if he (the former boss) was talking badly about me and he admitted it.

OP, I fully understand your hesitations to not give the ultimate 'leave me alone, shut up', to this sleazy guy although you want nothing more than doing this. I think you are actually considerate to yourself, means to your career. Unfortunately and sadly, although experiencing this ****e more than once, I have no real recipe to this blackmailing, scumbag behaviour, but at the end of the day in some way it has to come to the point he's getting it you don't entertain his pushy behaviour anymore. I'm not a fan of playing 'the boyfriend card' although there is no boyfriend, but in this case it may be a solution to this dilemma. Try it.

The other idea is, can you maybe be honest with your recent boss? you said you have a good connection to her, can you tell her the whole story so you can be sure to have your back up with her?

StanleyOllie · 17-07-2017 10:02PM

Could you say something like. I would rather you don't message as I don't think your wife or children would approve. That would give him the hint that you could tell them about his messaging and then you have the upper hand.
It's a gentle but firm way of saying go away.

bucketybuck · 17-07-2017 11:12PM

Porklife wrote: »

If I don't reply, he just keeps texting until I do reply.

I do appreciate that you want to tread carefully around somebody that you feel still has influence, I really do, but your simplest answer remains the same, just stop replying.

You keep saying that if you ignore the texts he sends more, well, ignore them too. And ignore the next ones, and the next, and the next until they stop coming.

He doesn't work with you any more, you have no obligation to politely answer his calls, and there is no need for any confrontation that you worry might have long term consequences, just stop answering his damn texts.

And if you ever see him in person again and he asks you why you never reply you have a range of options, from saying that you lost your phone, that your boyfriend wasn't happy about it, shrugging your shoulders and ignoring the question, all the way up to straight out saying that you were uncomfortable getting texts outside of work.

Seriously, just ignore his texts, such a simple thing that you can easily do.

Fakediamond · 17-07-2017 11:14PM

I agree with leggo and Tara, these situations can be delicate and require a more subtle approach, Ireland is a small place and her industry is probably like a village, where everyone knows everyone.

I would just stop responding to his messages, just never reply again. If you bump into him at work or elsewhere and he confronts you about it, just say you're having phone trouble and haven't been getting messages. He'll probably just give up when he doesn't hear back from you and transfer his obsession onto someone else, out of sight is out of mind, as they say! I would block him though, thus avoiding that knot in your stomach every time you see another text from him. Put him out of your mind and enjoy your life. although he may be influential right now, that power will wane, the longer he is retired, so don't worry too much about future consequences.

Best of luck, OP.

Hannibal_Smith · 18-07-2017 08:02AM

bucketybuck wrote: »

Its because she has been nothing but hostile to the people offering advise.

She hasn't hostile at all. She stood up for herself when people were telling her creepy was subjective and she should just ignore him.

It's clear the OP is distressed and doesn't know how to solve her issue. When she explained that when she ignores him he continues texting, that's not becoming hostile that's explaining why that would not resolve things.

OP I would hope to be in your position. I hate situations like this. You were his PA, was there ever an over familiarity while you were working with him? If not, if he's just retired could he hat all be trying to keep his toe in the water with the company? Maybe he finds being out of the loop difficult.

Other posters are right, the personal invitations absolutely turn down. I wouldn't go blocking him. Keep it professional. Your responses and the relationship. You are as much in control of how the interaction moves forward. But you need more from him than he does from you so being clever is important.

I'm not quite sure what exactly you should say, but absolutely stay as professional as possible.

December2012 · 18-07-2017 08:59AM

Ignore all texts. Ignore all calls. Be strong. Take it one day at a time. Eventually he will get the message.

Ignore it for a week.

Then try a second

If he does not stop calling you inappropriately then, you can escalate it at that point.

....... · 18-07-2017 09:26AM

This post has been deleted.

Neyite · 18-07-2017 10:36AM

Mod:

I think we've exhausted our suggestions now and it's time the thread was closed.

OP, all the best, I hope the advice was useful.

Boss keeps texting me. Creepy.

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