Boss keeps texting me. Creepy.

Porklife

Hi There,

Long time reader and looking for advice of my own now!

My boss recently retired from the company. He's a very nice man (or so I thought), and we had a great working relationship. He asked me for my number a few months back, just in case he needed anything in terms of work. I'm his PA.

He did text me a few times but it was always work related and professional. A few weeks ago, he invited me out to dinner to thank me for all my hard work. He wanted to go on a Friday night which I found a bit inappropriate. If he really wanted to thank me, a simple lunch would have sufficed. He said he also had a few works pieces to discuss so I was kind of cornered. He also casually said, don't mention to anyone in the office that we're meeting.

Alarm bells were massively ringing but I need this guy for a reference so felt I had to play ball.

I went but I was very uncomfortable. While there, he said he had gotten me a ticket to an upcoming gig. Let's just say this band are huge and tickets are hard to come by. He also has a ticket... i was caught off guard and just said oh thank you so much.

Anyway, the messages increased over time. He left the company but has continued to message me on a daily basis. If I don't answer he follows up with.. why aren't you answering me?

He's a clever man though. He hasn't said anything out-rightly incriminating, it's a;; innocent on the surface but I know damn well what he's up to.

He messaged me while away on holidays recently at 2am. Then the next day apologised and said he had been drinking too much wine and was feeling meloncholy. He then said... having dinner with you was so great in so many ways...

He messaged again today. It's all seemingly innocent, just Hey how are you? But it makes my skin crawl. I don't want this man in my life at all. He is harassing me. I considered telling my new CEO who thankfully is a really lovely women. I'm scared though cos he hasn't said anything explicit or tried anything per se. His messages could be twisted as innocent but I know they're not.

Any advice guys? the gig is approaching fast and I feel sick at the thoughts of it.

lifeandtimes

Regards the gig make an excuse and say you can't go and then further it with as he no longer works for the company you would like him to refrain from contacting you as your relationship was strictly professional and that has now ended

Also if you get on well with the CEO certainly she could give you reference if you need one?

Porklife

He holds sway in the company until October apparently. I guess I could ask the new CEO. I completed a lot of successful projects for him and I'm worried they'll now slip away. Although, I had a review before he left and it was excellent. It was signed by HR so he can't really deny I was a good worker. Maybe I don't need to play ball afterall. He owns the company though so I'm worried he could very subtlety turn things against me. It's delicate.

GingerLily

Can you ask him to keep your communication strictly professional and decline the generous offer of the tickets?

stop animal cruelty

Can you ask for a written reference?

Xterminator

your boss is retired from the company? then your current boss can be your reference.

the only hold he has over you is one you allow him.

block him, on your phone & on social media if necessary. problem solved.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Hrududu

As above

Do not go to the concert

Do not reply to any more texts

Your new boss will give you a reference, or you'll get one from HR

Calypso Realm

I'm a bit surprised you've let things get this far when by your own admission, you sussed out very early on what his motives were! All you had to do was invent a new boyfriend, for instance and hope he'd take the hint, like most people. It's never a good idea to let these things escalate - the longer they go on the more difficult to put a stop to!

mfceiling

"Ah jaysus I can't make the concert...my boyfriend has booked a surprise meal for that night. I'm sure you'll have a great night there. Thanks again for the kind offer".

Done.

daithi7

mfceiling wrote: »

"Ah jaysus I can't make the concert...my boyfriend has booked a surprise meal for that night. I'm sure you'll have a great night there. Thanks again for the kind offer".

Done.

Correctomondo. Clarify the boundaries clearly now. (You are very, very late doing this btw, but anyways). Busy with BF, return the concert ticket, no further social contact, no contact outside of office hours, if he does try to initiate more inappropriate contact, spell the boundaries out to him in a text (for clarity), and even contact during office hours should be on professional matters only. ( I.e. no apologies, explanations, ambiguities, etc, etc, etc) my bet is he will alter his behaviour pretty promptly, once the OP alter hers. Simples!!!

P.s. of course this is based on the premise of her wanting him to alter his current behaviour towards her!?

bilbot79

Before you do anything get a written reference then he doesn't have that card over you.

I'd say he had a crush on you when you were his PA, I'd say that happens all the time.

Maybe just needs a clear signal to take the sting out of the fantasy. A cold statement to burst the bubble and bring it down to earth

messy tessy

daithi7 wrote: »

P.s. of course this is based on the premise of you wanting him to alter his current behaviour towards you!?

Creepy...uncomfortable...makes her skin crawl.

I think that is pretty clear!

daithi7

messy tessy wrote: »

Creepy...uncomfortable...makes my skin crawl.

I think that is pretty clear!

Yes, they are pretty clear words to type on an anonymous mb alright, but have you yet conveyed any of that to your propositioning ex boss!? Cos it will only be clear to him when you do, and that is the issue. Simples.

Augme

I'd be careful of going down the whole blocking him straight away routine because you might end up looking a bit crazy, which, while you don't need a reference from him, might still not be a great career move. W

Big Bag of Chips

I suppose this is all subjective! It's only creepy because you are in no way attracted to him. If it was someone younger(?) more your 'type' you'd be flattered, and maybe even interested.

He chanced it by asking you out. You accepted. He got his hopes up.

If you're not interested, you need to make that clear. It doesn't have to be abrupt or confrontational, you can even lie a little (New boyfriend, family 'do', whatever) but you do need to stop accepting invitations out. By your own admission -

Porklife wrote: »

He's a clever man though. He hasn't said anything out-rightly incriminating, it's a;; innocent on the surface but I know damn well what he's up to.

"what he's up to" is seeing if you're interested in him. Some women might be, you're not.

This doesn't have to be an issue. If you thought he was a lovely man all along, maybe he actually is a lovely man! And one who thought that now he's not your boss anymore it might be worth asking you out. He may have asked you out under the pretence of thanking you for work, or whatever, but he might not be confident to ask you straight out. Older men can be just as unsure and awkward as younger men.

It's only creepy because you're not interested. Just let him down gently. So far you haven't let him down at all....

leggo

To be fair on the OP, I think backing someone into a corner by asking them to dinner but saying "I need to talk about work stuff with you" to make any attempt to say no uncomfortable, then popping up with concert tickets unannounced, is presumptuous and what qualifies it as creepy behaviour. It's taking advantage of the fact that he has the ability to summon her to dinner under the pretext of work, and there's the knowledge that he could potentially try and damage her career if she says no just dangling there. Of course she could draw the line in a better way (the boyfriend excuse being one), but I wouldn't blame her for feeling in a corner and like she had to go along with it to a point either.

Maybe he's not very confident, but that doesn't mean that he gets to play those cards either. If he wants to ask her out, he can do so and risk getting shot down like the rest of us do. If I'm feeling a bit low on confidence when talking to a girl, I don't think of ways to try and pressure her to say yes.

Big Bag of Chips

My husband was my senior in work. He asked me out for a few drinks in a way that I had no idea he was "asking me out", but I didn't object either. 17 years later we're still married.

'Creepy' is subjective.

You don't need him for a reference, OP. There are others in the company who know your work. Just make your excuses and he'll get the hint. If he doesn't THEN you might be right to be concerned and think he's creepy and taking advantage.

eviltwin

OP why do you think he would refuse you a reference? Has he indicated this in any way?

You said at the start of your post he was a very nice man so that would suggest that you had a good working relationship.....do you think maybe he's not trying to start anything with you and that maybe he's feeling a bit lonely in his retirement and missing the person he had a close relationship with?

Is it feeling creepy because the dynamics are so different i.e someone who was your boss is now trying to be your mate? I've been lucky to have great relationships with all previous bosses but that doesn't mean I'd be comfortable being friends with them. I wouldn't make excuses about the concert because that may give him false hope that you will be available for the next event he invites you too. Set your boundries and communicate them clearly.

As others have said, don't worry about the reference, just use the current CEO.

seenitall

Hi OP,

You are right, his behaviour is creepy and borderline stalkerish. Your instincts are right on the ball - I mean, who texts someone every single day, demanding they respond, or drunk texts a friendly colleague in the middle of the night? He is staking his claim on your time and attention, and this is only the beginning of something that could escalate before you know it. It's time to stop playing nicey nicey and start saying no.

No is a powerful word, but it was invented for a reason - you have got to start using it, OP.

I won't be going to that gig after all. Thank you, but no. No, not doing that, thank you. No, no, no. Why not? Because I'm not interested.

You don't need to block him yet, but you do need to stop replying to his texts and calls as readily. Every day is taking the mickey.

And then hold those boundaries. Be aware of him. You can invent a new boyfriend if you find it easier, but I actually think it would be better for you not to hide behind excuses and learn to own your free will and autonomy.

To some women, your problem would be a bit funny, because they know how to say no in no uncertain terms. You have yet to learn that, and this is a good start. In reality, that gig is truly a non-issue that shouldn't worry you at all. You are not going, simple as. He can be hurt, offended, ask for reasons, try to guilt trip you, do whatever the hell he likes, but you do NOT owe him ANYTHING, so start behaving as if you believed it.

Oh and screw the reference. This learning curve will serve you much better in life that any reference this creeper can provide you with. As said, I am sure plenty of other people can provide you with one.

Porklife

daithi7 wrote: »

Correctomondo. Clarify the boundaries clearly now. (You are very, very late doing this btw, but anyways). Busy with BF, return the concert ticket, no further social contact, no contact outside of office hours, if he does try to initiate more inappropriate contact, spell the boundaries out to him in a text (for clarity), and even contact during office hours should be on professional matters only. ( I.e. no apologies, explanations, ambiguities, etc, etc, etc) my bet is he will alter his behaviour pretty promptly, once the OP alter hers. Simples!!!

P.s. of course this is based on the premise of her wanting him to alter his current behaviour towards her!?

Are you kidding me?? Of course I want his behaviour to stop. He texts me multiple times a day and if I don't respond, which to me is giving him a clear signal, he pesters me. He says Why are you not responding??? Do you not like me anymore?? Is your phone broken??

He is a 70 year old man. He is old enough to be my grandfather and he is married with kids. He messages me in the middle of the night. How is that ok????

I don't accept offers of him either. He claimed the dinner was work related which is sly in my book.

How on earth am I justifying myself here?? Big bag of chips, I always take your advice on here very seriously, it's always spot on but in this case, you're way off the mark. He is being sleezy. Like me all you want but respect your wife and children and do not become a walking cliche by hitting on your secretary.

Would you be ok with your husband hitting on his PA? Ah, it's grand, he just 'likes' her... ridiculous.

He even apologised for all the messages proving that he knows it's wrong.

Seenitall, thank you so much for your advice.

Porklife

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

My husband was my senior in work. He asked me out for a few drinks in a way that I had no idea he was "asking me out", but I didn't object either. 17 years later we're still married.

'Creepy' is subjective.

You don't need him for a reference, OP. There are others in the company who know your work. Just make your excuses and he'll get the hint. If he doesn't THEN you might be right to be concerned and think he's creepy and taking advantage.

Are you actually for real?? Was your husband married at the time with kids???

My old boss is a married man and he is messaging me multiple times a day... sending me photos of him in pubs etc. It is so unbelievably out of order. People like you defending him and making me question his motives are the reason these things carry on.

He is harassing me. It's as simple as that. He always brings up the fact that he has power in the company until October. My contract happens to end in September. If that's not sleezy, I don't know what is.

Creepy is not subjective btw. Creepy is creepy. End of.

miamee

You never mentioned he was married before and all people had to go on was your post.

Porklife

miamee wrote: »

You never mentioned he was married before and all people had to go on was your post.

You are absolutely right. I thought I had said it in my original post but I didn't.
Sorry guys, that's why I was getting so defensive. I thought I'd said he's married with kids and some people were still saying it's not that bad.

Sorry again but yes, he is married and I've met his wife plenty of times and his kids!

Dial Hard

Initially I was a bit "Why doesn't she just out a stop to this?" but then this really stood out to me:

seenitall wrote:

To some women, your problem would be a bit funny, because they know how to say no in no uncertain terms.

The CEO in a previous job of mine was a notorious flirt and messer. I found it funny because I was well able for him and would just tell him to feck off and he'd roar laughing and that would be that. But one of my friends in the job told me that she found him unbearably creepy and he made her seriously uncomfortable. I told her to just tell him to bugger off when he said anything and she was like "OMG, I couldn't do that, he's the boss", etc. She was a good few years younger than me and only really starting her career and she didn't yet have the confidence or ability to deal with him.

I think it might be a bit late to deal with this using humour (and you obviously didn't find it funny to begin with), so it's time to just say it outright to him that you find his contact inappropriate and need it to stop. That's it. No apologies, no prevarication, just a one-line message. He's not your boss anymore so you don't need to be afraid of him.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Porklife

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

My contract ends in September and I'd like a reference from him. He owns the company and is very influential in the industry I'd like to work in.

The issue is, this could damage my career. Also, I did not put a different spin on things in my subsequent posts at all. I didn't say he is married, that's all. I also said he's old enough to be my grandfather so obviously I'm not 60 or even close to it. I also said I find him creepy.

He messages me constantly and when I don't reply, he messages again asking where I am and why am I not replying. That is bang out or order. If a friend of mine did that I'd tell them to back off. The only reason I don't tell him to back off is that I'm worried it will damage my career.

Jesus Christ so he's the good guy here, huh.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Porklife

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Your post was very nonchalant like it's no big deal.. you asked what's the issue implying that you don't see any problem with the situation. If this was happening to your girlfriend or sister you might see it differently.

The issue is he is a creep who is abusing his position of power and it's not right.
The fact I will even have to tell him to leave me alone is wrong.

GingerLily

Porklife wrote: »

Your post was very nonchalant like it's no big deal.. you asked what's the issue implying that you don't see any problem with the situation. If this was happening to your girlfriend or sister you might see it differently.

The issue is he is a creep who is abusing his position of power and it's not right.
The fact I will even have to tell him to leave me alone is wrong.

Until you tell him his behaviour is unacceptable you need to take some of the responsibility for this situation.

daithi7

GingerLily wrote: »

Until you tell him his behaviour is unacceptable you need to take some of the responsibility for this situation.

100% Correct.

Op we cannot control the behaviour of others, we can only control our response to those behaviours.

If you do not clearly communicate that you are simply not interested in this man then how is he supposed to know.

Stop with the prevarication and procrastination. Simply text him No.

My bet is his behaviour will then subsequently revert back to a professional relationship. So now one last time for clarity: less of the drama, less complications, just say no, not interested that's all. Simples!!!