Boss keeps texting me. Creepy.

Porklife

Hi There,

Long time reader and looking for advice of my own now!

My boss recently retired from the company. He's a very nice man (or so I thought), and we had a great working relationship. He asked me for my number a few months back, just in case he needed anything in terms of work. I'm his PA.

He did text me a few times but it was always work related and professional. A few weeks ago, he invited me out to dinner to thank me for all my hard work. He wanted to go on a Friday night which I found a bit inappropriate. If he really wanted to thank me, a simple lunch would have sufficed. He said he also had a few works pieces to discuss so I was kind of cornered. He also casually said, don't mention to anyone in the office that we're meeting.

Alarm bells were massively ringing but I need this guy for a reference so felt I had to play ball.

I went but I was very uncomfortable. While there, he said he had gotten me a ticket to an upcoming gig. Let's just say this band are huge and tickets are hard to come by. He also has a ticket... i was caught off guard and just said oh thank you so much.

Anyway, the messages increased over time. He left the company but has continued to message me on a daily basis. If I don't answer he follows up with.. why aren't you answering me?

He's a clever man though. He hasn't said anything out-rightly incriminating, it's a;; innocent on the surface but I know damn well what he's up to.

He messaged me while away on holidays recently at 2am. Then the next day apologised and said he had been drinking too much wine and was feeling meloncholy. He then said... having dinner with you was so great in so many ways...

He messaged again today. It's all seemingly innocent, just Hey how are you? But it makes my skin crawl. I don't want this man in my life at all. He is harassing me. I considered telling my new CEO who thankfully is a really lovely women. I'm scared though cos he hasn't said anything explicit or tried anything per se. His messages could be twisted as innocent but I know they're not.

Any advice guys? the gig is approaching fast and I feel sick at the thoughts of it.

lifeandtimes

Regards the gig make an excuse and say you can't go and then further it with as he no longer works for the company you would like him to refrain from contacting you as your relationship was strictly professional and that has now ended

Also if you get on well with the CEO certainly she could give you reference if you need one?

Porklife

He holds sway in the company until October apparently. I guess I could ask the new CEO. I completed a lot of successful projects for him and I'm worried they'll now slip away. Although, I had a review before he left and it was excellent. It was signed by HR so he can't really deny I was a good worker. Maybe I don't need to play ball afterall. He owns the company though so I'm worried he could very subtlety turn things against me. It's delicate.

GingerLily

Can you ask him to keep your communication strictly professional and decline the generous offer of the tickets?

stop animal cruelty

Can you ask for a written reference?

Xterminator

your boss is retired from the company? then your current boss can be your reference.

the only hold he has over you is one you allow him.

block him, on your phone & on social media if necessary. problem solved.

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Hrududu

As above

Do not go to the concert

Do not reply to any more texts

Your new boss will give you a reference, or you'll get one from HR

Calypso Realm

I'm a bit surprised you've let things get this far when by your own admission, you sussed out very early on what his motives were! All you had to do was invent a new boyfriend, for instance and hope he'd take the hint, like most people. It's never a good idea to let these things escalate - the longer they go on the more difficult to put a stop to!

mfceiling

"Ah jaysus I can't make the concert...my boyfriend has booked a surprise meal for that night. I'm sure you'll have a great night there. Thanks again for the kind offer".

Done.

daithi7

mfceiling wrote: »

"Ah jaysus I can't make the concert...my boyfriend has booked a surprise meal for that night. I'm sure you'll have a great night there. Thanks again for the kind offer".

Done.

Correctomondo. Clarify the boundaries clearly now. (You are very, very late doing this btw, but anyways). Busy with BF, return the concert ticket, no further social contact, no contact outside of office hours, if he does try to initiate more inappropriate contact, spell the boundaries out to him in a text (for clarity), and even contact during office hours should be on professional matters only. ( I.e. no apologies, explanations, ambiguities, etc, etc, etc) my bet is he will alter his behaviour pretty promptly, once the OP alter hers. Simples!!!

P.s. of course this is based on the premise of her wanting him to alter his current behaviour towards her!?

bilbot79

Before you do anything get a written reference then he doesn't have that card over you.

I'd say he had a crush on you when you were his PA, I'd say that happens all the time.

Maybe just needs a clear signal to take the sting out of the fantasy. A cold statement to burst the bubble and bring it down to earth

messy tessy

daithi7 wrote: »

P.s. of course this is based on the premise of you wanting him to alter his current behaviour towards you!?

Creepy...uncomfortable...makes her skin crawl.

I think that is pretty clear!

daithi7

messy tessy wrote: »

Creepy...uncomfortable...makes my skin crawl.

I think that is pretty clear!

Yes, they are pretty clear words to type on an anonymous mb alright, but have you yet conveyed any of that to your propositioning ex boss!? Cos it will only be clear to him when you do, and that is the issue. Simples.

Augme

I'd be careful of going down the whole blocking him straight away routine because you might end up looking a bit crazy, which, while you don't need a reference from him, might still not be a great career move. W

Big Bag of Chips

I suppose this is all subjective! It's only creepy because you are in no way attracted to him. If it was someone younger(?) more your 'type' you'd be flattered, and maybe even interested.

He chanced it by asking you out. You accepted. He got his hopes up.

If you're not interested, you need to make that clear. It doesn't have to be abrupt or confrontational, you can even lie a little (New boyfriend, family 'do', whatever) but you do need to stop accepting invitations out. By your own admission -

Porklife wrote: »

He's a clever man though. He hasn't said anything out-rightly incriminating, it's a;; innocent on the surface but I know damn well what he's up to.

"what he's up to" is seeing if you're interested in him. Some women might be, you're not.

This doesn't have to be an issue. If you thought he was a lovely man all along, maybe he actually is a lovely man! And one who thought that now he's not your boss anymore it might be worth asking you out. He may have asked you out under the pretence of thanking you for work, or whatever, but he might not be confident to ask you straight out. Older men can be just as unsure and awkward as younger men.

It's only creepy because you're not interested. Just let him down gently. So far you haven't let him down at all....

leggo

To be fair on the OP, I think backing someone into a corner by asking them to dinner but saying "I need to talk about work stuff with you" to make any attempt to say no uncomfortable, then popping up with concert tickets unannounced, is presumptuous and what qualifies it as creepy behaviour. It's taking advantage of the fact that he has the ability to summon her to dinner under the pretext of work, and there's the knowledge that he could potentially try and damage her career if she says no just dangling there. Of course she could draw the line in a better way (the boyfriend excuse being one), but I wouldn't blame her for feeling in a corner and like she had to go along with it to a point either.

Maybe he's not very confident, but that doesn't mean that he gets to play those cards either. If he wants to ask her out, he can do so and risk getting shot down like the rest of us do. If I'm feeling a bit low on confidence when talking to a girl, I don't think of ways to try and pressure her to say yes.

Big Bag of Chips

My husband was my senior in work. He asked me out for a few drinks in a way that I had no idea he was "asking me out", but I didn't object either. 17 years later we're still married.

'Creepy' is subjective.

You don't need him for a reference, OP. There are others in the company who know your work. Just make your excuses and he'll get the hint. If he doesn't THEN you might be right to be concerned and think he's creepy and taking advantage.

eviltwin

OP why do you think he would refuse you a reference? Has he indicated this in any way?

You said at the start of your post he was a very nice man so that would suggest that you had a good working relationship.....do you think maybe he's not trying to start anything with you and that maybe he's feeling a bit lonely in his retirement and missing the person he had a close relationship with?

Is it feeling creepy because the dynamics are so different i.e someone who was your boss is now trying to be your mate? I've been lucky to have great relationships with all previous bosses but that doesn't mean I'd be comfortable being friends with them. I wouldn't make excuses about the concert because that may give him false hope that you will be available for the next event he invites you too. Set your boundries and communicate them clearly.

As others have said, don't worry about the reference, just use the current CEO.

seenitall

Hi OP,

You are right, his behaviour is creepy and borderline stalkerish. Your instincts are right on the ball - I mean, who texts someone every single day, demanding they respond, or drunk texts a friendly colleague in the middle of the night? He is staking his claim on your time and attention, and this is only the beginning of something that could escalate before you know it. It's time to stop playing nicey nicey and start saying no.

No is a powerful word, but it was invented for a reason - you have got to start using it, OP.

I won't be going to that gig after all. Thank you, but no. No, not doing that, thank you. No, no, no. Why not? Because I'm not interested.

You don't need to block him yet, but you do need to stop replying to his texts and calls as readily. Every day is taking the mickey.

And then hold those boundaries. Be aware of him. You can invent a new boyfriend if you find it easier, but I actually think it would be better for you not to hide behind excuses and learn to own your free will and autonomy.

To some women, your problem would be a bit funny, because they know how to say no in no uncertain terms. You have yet to learn that, and this is a good start. In reality, that gig is truly a non-issue that shouldn't worry you at all. You are not going, simple as. He can be hurt, offended, ask for reasons, try to guilt trip you, do whatever the hell he likes, but you do NOT owe him ANYTHING, so start behaving as if you believed it.

Oh and screw the reference. This learning curve will serve you much better in life that any reference this creeper can provide you with. As said, I am sure plenty of other people can provide you with one.

Porklife

daithi7 wrote: »

Correctomondo. Clarify the boundaries clearly now. (You are very, very late doing this btw, but anyways). Busy with BF, return the concert ticket, no further social contact, no contact outside of office hours, if he does try to initiate more inappropriate contact, spell the boundaries out to him in a text (for clarity), and even contact during office hours should be on professional matters only. ( I.e. no apologies, explanations, ambiguities, etc, etc, etc) my bet is he will alter his behaviour pretty promptly, once the OP alter hers. Simples!!!

P.s. of course this is based on the premise of her wanting him to alter his current behaviour towards her!?

Are you kidding me?? Of course I want his behaviour to stop. He texts me multiple times a day and if I don't respond, which to me is giving him a clear signal, he pesters me. He says Why are you not responding??? Do you not like me anymore?? Is your phone broken??

He is a 70 year old man. He is old enough to be my grandfather and he is married with kids. He messages me in the middle of the night. How is that ok????

I don't accept offers of him either. He claimed the dinner was work related which is sly in my book.

How on earth am I justifying myself here?? Big bag of chips, I always take your advice on here very seriously, it's always spot on but in this case, you're way off the mark. He is being sleezy. Like me all you want but respect your wife and children and do not become a walking cliche by hitting on your secretary.

Would you be ok with your husband hitting on his PA? Ah, it's grand, he just 'likes' her... ridiculous.

He even apologised for all the messages proving that he knows it's wrong.

Seenitall, thank you so much for your advice.

Porklife

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

My husband was my senior in work. He asked me out for a few drinks in a way that I had no idea he was "asking me out", but I didn't object either. 17 years later we're still married.

'Creepy' is subjective.

You don't need him for a reference, OP. There are others in the company who know your work. Just make your excuses and he'll get the hint. If he doesn't THEN you might be right to be concerned and think he's creepy and taking advantage.

Are you actually for real?? Was your husband married at the time with kids???

My old boss is a married man and he is messaging me multiple times a day... sending me photos of him in pubs etc. It is so unbelievably out of order. People like you defending him and making me question his motives are the reason these things carry on.

He is harassing me. It's as simple as that. He always brings up the fact that he has power in the company until October. My contract happens to end in September. If that's not sleezy, I don't know what is.

Creepy is not subjective btw. Creepy is creepy. End of.

miamee

You never mentioned he was married before and all people had to go on was your post.

Porklife

miamee wrote: »

You never mentioned he was married before and all people had to go on was your post.

You are absolutely right. I thought I had said it in my original post but I didn't.
Sorry guys, that's why I was getting so defensive. I thought I'd said he's married with kids and some people were still saying it's not that bad.

Sorry again but yes, he is married and I've met his wife plenty of times and his kids!

Dial Hard

Initially I was a bit "Why doesn't she just out a stop to this?" but then this really stood out to me:

seenitall wrote:

To some women, your problem would be a bit funny, because they know how to say no in no uncertain terms.

The CEO in a previous job of mine was a notorious flirt and messer. I found it funny because I was well able for him and would just tell him to feck off and he'd roar laughing and that would be that. But one of my friends in the job told me that she found him unbearably creepy and he made her seriously uncomfortable. I told her to just tell him to bugger off when he said anything and she was like "OMG, I couldn't do that, he's the boss", etc. She was a good few years younger than me and only really starting her career and she didn't yet have the confidence or ability to deal with him.

I think it might be a bit late to deal with this using humour (and you obviously didn't find it funny to begin with), so it's time to just say it outright to him that you find his contact inappropriate and need it to stop. That's it. No apologies, no prevarication, just a one-line message. He's not your boss anymore so you don't need to be afraid of him.

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Porklife

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My contract ends in September and I'd like a reference from him. He owns the company and is very influential in the industry I'd like to work in.

The issue is, this could damage my career. Also, I did not put a different spin on things in my subsequent posts at all. I didn't say he is married, that's all. I also said he's old enough to be my grandfather so obviously I'm not 60 or even close to it. I also said I find him creepy.

He messages me constantly and when I don't reply, he messages again asking where I am and why am I not replying. That is bang out or order. If a friend of mine did that I'd tell them to back off. The only reason I don't tell him to back off is that I'm worried it will damage my career.

Jesus Christ so he's the good guy here, huh.

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Porklife

....... wrote: »

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Your post was very nonchalant like it's no big deal.. you asked what's the issue implying that you don't see any problem with the situation. If this was happening to your girlfriend or sister you might see it differently.

The issue is he is a creep who is abusing his position of power and it's not right.
The fact I will even have to tell him to leave me alone is wrong.

GingerLily

Porklife wrote: »

Your post was very nonchalant like it's no big deal.. you asked what's the issue implying that you don't see any problem with the situation. If this was happening to your girlfriend or sister you might see it differently.

The issue is he is a creep who is abusing his position of power and it's not right.
The fact I will even have to tell him to leave me alone is wrong.

Until you tell him his behaviour is unacceptable you need to take some of the responsibility for this situation.

daithi7

GingerLily wrote: »

Until you tell him his behaviour is unacceptable you need to take some of the responsibility for this situation.

100% Correct.

Op we cannot control the behaviour of others, we can only control our response to those behaviours.

If you do not clearly communicate that you are simply not interested in this man then how is he supposed to know.

Stop with the prevarication and procrastination. Simply text him No.

My bet is his behaviour will then subsequently revert back to a professional relationship. So now one last time for clarity: less of the drama, less complications, just say no, not interested that's all. Simples!!!

Porklife

daithi7 wrote: »

100% Correct.

Op we cannot control the behaviour of others, we can only control our response to those behaviours.

If you do not clearly communicate that you are simply not interested in this man then how is he supposed to know.

Stop with the prevarication and procrastination. Simply text him No.

My bet is his behaviour will then subsequently revert back to a professional relationship. So now one last time for clarity: less of the drama, less complications, just say no, not interested that's all. Simples!!!

I'm not creating drama. He is!! He asked me to meet him for lunch recently and I said no, I'm busy at work. He then messages again asking inane questions about music or my sister. I ignore him and he texts yet again, why are you ignoring me?

How am I in any way responsible for this? I have done nothing wrong and have been nothing but professional. He is the one crossing the line and not taking no for an answer.

GingerLily

Porklife wrote: »

I'm not creating drama. He is!! He asked me to meet him for lunch recently and I said no, I'm busy at work. He then messages again asking inane questions about music or my sister. I ignore him and he texts yet again, why are you ignoring me?

How am I in any way responsible for this? I have done nothing wrong and have been nothing but professional. He is the one crossing the line and not taking no for an answer.

Your ignoring all the actual advise being given to you and just arguing with posters instead.

daithi7

OK you said no to lunch fine.

Have you told him you are simply not interested in him romantically?

That you feel his contacting you outside of office hours is inappropriate and unprofessional??

That you want him to stop and only communicate on work matters during working hours???

Porklife

GingerLily wrote: »

Your ignoring all the actual advise being given to you and just arguing with posters instead.

No I'm not actually. I emailed him earlier and asked him straight out for a written reference. I will also say no to anything he asks through text and will ask him to please only contact me in a work capacity.

That is literally taking all of the advice on board so don't presume to know it all.

daithi7

Jeez.....

Sleeper12

If he is bothering you tell him so. If you don't want to do that block his number.

CPTM

I suppose everyone has different boundaries and definitions of what's creepy. I text my old female manager the whole time. She's older than me, married with kids. We meet up for dinner the odd time to laugh about the struggles that still remain in my last place. Getting texts to meet up will never be creepy for me. I would think the 2am text however was an opportunity to put the foot down and say "Thanks for the apology, I'd rather keep this professional".

I see this time and time again with a lot of my friends, where they have this massive war in their heads about how creepy someone is, or how they won't leave them alone, or how "he's constantly texting me for dinner or to go out". But when you look at their responses they are filled with emojis, or with excuses (not rejections), or even with winks and smileys and laughing and flirting and all sorts that are aimed with getting out of the invite without sending a rejection (which doesn't have to be hurtful by the way).

What response have you given him that you would count as the clearest "No thanks I'm not interested" message? Sending no response is fine after a message of clarity has been sent. But if there has been any "Oh I'd love to but can't this weekend" messages before the lack of responses (which is what my mates send these people) then I think it's not stern enough.

ivebeenthere

Hi there. It's clear from a lot of these replies that many people in this thread haven't experienced sustained harassment. I have so I felt compelled to write to you. None of this is your fault. This man is fixated on you. He holds the power here, firstly being a man and secondly being an admired peer within your work area. 
I do think though it's time for you to draw a line. It's very hard to do this. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and this book will help you put all this into context. This man will keep texting and texting until he gets a response. If it takes 30 texts to get you to reply, next time he will just tot up the next amount of texts it takes for you to reply. Take copies of everything he's sent you and keep them in a diary. Mark the date that you have blocked all communication from him. This is you record to yourself and if you ever need it should he up the ante (he hopefully won't once you cut him out).
You're right, he is sleeked and cunning, all harassers are. They live in the blurred lines between public and private so that they don't do anything too inappropriate to be reported, yet suffocate you and frighten/upset you without you really being able to describe what is going on. I really do empathise with you.
Today block his number and email. You don't owe him anything. If he finds another way to get to you - through another employee by manipulating them etc, act completely oblivious. 'Oh goodness, I didn't get that message. I've just been so busy'. Cut off his oxygen. Do not communicate with him. Do not put yourself in situations where he may be - if this means not going to work functions so be it. after Sept/October time when he's no longer affiliated with the company you can reassess the situation. He'll take your appearance at an event he's at as you 'telling him' you're interested in him.
If you feel your new boss would be sympathetic, I would confide in her. I would do this in a way that leaves a paper trail. However, as with the nature of this kind of harassment people are often disinclined to believe victims. Even jut a letter flagging this up, noting this as a record. You don't have to go full steam ahead right at this moment. But today, right now, block him on emails, phone number, whatsapp, everything. Take a big breath. Never reply to him again and never let yourself be in his company again. Get that book The Gift of Fear. Stay strong xxx

leggo

I don't see why there's so much hostility towards the OP. Fundamentally, a guy is constantly texting her and, when she doesn't reply, badgering her to reply. If that was the problem presented, people would rally behind the OP normally. Why does the fact that he's her boss, using work as an excuse to pursue a personal relationship, married and not reading the signs somehow make HIS case stronger?!

She shouldn't have went for dinner with him but felt pressured because he made it a work thing. She didn't know how to reject the concert tickets because she was caught in the moment and didn't want to risk the possibility of a reference etc. Feeling awkward rejecting someone to their face is pretty common without the career worries. That doesn't make him the victim. He's not allowing her to ignore him, that's borderline harassment.

bucketybuck

leggo wrote: »

I don't see why there's so much hostility towards the OP.

Its because she has been nothing but hostile to the people offering advise.

Porklife

leggo wrote: »

I don't see why there's so much hostility towards the OP. Fundamentally, a guy is constantly texting her and, when she doesn't reply, badgering her to reply. If that was the problem presented, people would rally behind the OP normally. Why does the fact that he's her boss, using work as an excuse to pursue a personal relationship, married and not reading the signs somehow make HIS case stronger?!

She shouldn't have went for dinner with him but felt pressured because he made it a work thing. She didn't know how to reject the concert tickets because she was caught in the moment and didn't want to risk the possibility of a reference etc. Feeling awkward rejecting someone to their face is pretty common without the career worries. That doesn't make him the victim. He's not allowing her to ignore him, that's borderline harassment.

Thank you so much Leggo, that's exactly it. At first, I thought he was a nice man but he'd make comments on my appearance which I found a bit inappropriate but again nothing wrong per se. He'd say oh you look beautiful today, what a fabulous dress. That's just an innocent compliment depending where you stand.

He asked if he could whatsapp me if he ever had work related issues. I felt obliged to say yes of course. He then proceeds to message me about music, films, food etc. He sends photos of dinners when he's out, pictures of him in the pub with his pals. He messages telling me he's drunk. he messages asking what I'm up to. he asks me to send him photos if I say I'm out having dinner.

I was away for the weekend recently and was out one night so didn't look at my phone. Next morning, on a Sunday, I wake up to a barrage of messages asking why I'm not responding, am I ok, has something happened to me. Feigning concern and using it as a reason to harass me.

I'm a very laid back person, hate drama and this is the last thing I want to be happening. The only glaring... well actually, it's not even glaring but the only 'inappropriate' thing he's sent is - having dinner with you was so amazing on so many levels...

That is the moment my skin began to really crawl. My instincts are screaming at me that he is a creep. He messaged just a second ago saying Can we meet for coffee... it's work related. He doesn't work here anymore and there is no more work related stuff going on. I have a new CEO now.

My God, my head is wrecked with this!!

Porklife

bucketybuck wrote: »

Its because she has been nothing but hostile to the people offering advise.

No, I haven't, Jesus. I came here looking for advice and I've taken what everyone has said on board but I'm not going to take the blame for this. I haven't done anything wrong here.

Neyite

Mod:
OP, please stop being so defensive - advice is offered on a take it or leave it basis here and all posters are trying to help you, even if you feel their advice or suggestions are way off the mark. It's down to you what advice you choose best fits your situation and just ignore the stuff that doesn't.

Now. With the mod hat off, I've encountered this a few times, so have friends and usually it's pretty simple to nip in the bud by inventing a boyfriend. Telling him you are busy sounds plausible to him so it's not getting the 'not interested' message across to him. Not answering is also not getting the message across. He's retired now so probably looking for a hobby and has decided a mistress is a better option than golf. Unfortunately for you!

I understand you don't want to go in guns blazing so it may take some persistence on your part to shake him off in a less forthright way. Name drop a boyfriend, lots and lots. It might be no harm to talk to your CEO if you think she is approachable - she could have a good solution to it for you without it harming your career.

Porklife

Sorry for being so defensive and thank you all for your advice.

It's just not a nice situation. I really liked working with him at the start and it's disappointing it turned out this way. I just hope it doesn't affect my career.
I will take the advice of speaking to the new CEO who thankfully is a really lovely woman.

lisasimpson

OP. Nip it in the bud pronto!! Its getting to you your snapping at people here. If you dont sort it soon you will snap at him and come off the baddie which you are not.. hes totally in the wrong
Invent a bf if you have to or simply suggest he talk his wife/kids instead that you are turning over a new leaf where work life and personal life are completely seperate and once you leave work you have nothing to do it anything with work until you return to the office

Neyite

Porklife wrote: »

Sorry for being so defensive and thank you all for your advice.

It's just not a nice situation. I really liked working with him at the start and it's disappointing it turned out this way. I just hope it doesn't affect my career.
I will take the advice of speaking to the new CEO who thankfully is a really lovely woman.

It is an awful situation. And it's because of it affecting your career that you feel hemmed in. You are right - Ireland is a small place and someone influential in your area has the potential to harm that on you so it's frustrating when it's just because he's decided to make a pass at you.

Hope your CEO is able to help.

LLMMLL

If you don't want to try an abrupt "no" to all his requests just yet, how about insisting he come to the office to meet? So he says "I need to talk about work", "you respond "sure but I'm too busy to meet for lunch, how about dropping by the office", it will ensure all meetings are in a professional environment.

Deusexmachina

Porklife wrote: »

Thank you so much Leggo, that's exactly it. At first, I thought he was a nice man but he'd make comments on my appearance which I found a bit inappropriate but again nothing wrong per se. He'd say oh you look beautiful today, what a fabulous dress. That's just an innocent compliment depending where you stand.

He asked if he could whatsapp me if he ever had work related issues. I felt obliged to say yes of course. He then proceeds to message me about music, films, food etc. He sends photos of dinners when he's out, pictures of him in the pub with his pals. He messages telling me he's drunk. he messages asking what I'm up to. he asks me to send him photos if I say I'm out having dinner.

I was away for the weekend recently and was out one night so didn't look at my phone. Next morning, on a Sunday, I wake up to a barrage of messages asking why I'm not responding, am I ok, has something happened to me. Feigning concern and using it as a reason to harass me.

I'm a very laid back person, hate drama and this is the last thing I want to be happening. The only glaring... well actually, it's not even glaring but the only 'inappropriate' thing he's sent is - having dinner with you was so amazing on so many levels...

That is the moment my skin began to really crawl. My instincts are screaming at me that he is a creep. He messaged just a second ago saying Can we meet for coffee... it's work related. He doesn't work here anymore and there is no more work related stuff going on. I have a new CEO now.

My God, my head is wrecked with this!!

You should have indicated that you only want reponses that validate your own opinion.
The advice you have been offered here is excellent. Reply to him and politely refuse his request to meet. Tell him you are not comfortable to do so. Forget references etc - it's a non issue.
You have not communicated your position clearly to him. You need to do so - by text so you have a record of it.
If he continues thereafter, bring the issue to HR. End of.
He's not 'creepy' or a 'stalker' as you have called him. Not until he has ignored your clear and unambiguous communications.

LynnGrace

LLMMLL wrote: »

If you don't want to try an abrupt "no" to all his requests just yet, how about insisting he come to the office to meet? So he says "I need to talk about work", "you respond "sure but I'm too busy to meet for lunch, how about dropping by the office", it will ensure all meetings are in a professional environment.

I think this is a good suggestion. If he still has links with the company, I think you said that he owns it, then there is no reason why he can't drop in.

He is out of order, IMO. Definitely rule out the gig, and any other attempts to meet with you on your own.

Katgurl

I think the responses here are really unfair. This man is taking advsntage of his seniority to ignore boundaries. Relentless texting, invites, demands to kmow why you are not responding... now he is using the work excuse again to manipulate you.

You have not said how old you are but I'm guessing in your 20's. The only reason i am estimating this is because he seems to think he can get away with this. I am delighted to see you are very clear that you have done nothing wrong.

I do not think you should hide behind the new boyfriend story. Why should you?

I would take take the advise about not going out for a coffee but responding that if there are work related issues you can discuss them in the office.

I would let new ceo know - keep it short and sweet.

Thank him for the concert tickets but say you do not wish to go and think contact should be professional only, during working hours and in the office.

Do not engage in any further communication beyond that or offer explanations.

It will be a really positive experience for you to stand up for yourself and by showing him that you will not be pushed around i am almost certain he will not try anything underhand with the reference.

One last thing - beyond telling your ceo do not mention to anybody else. Remain professional at all times and give him no ammunition.

Good luck.