Boss keeps texting me. Creepy.

Porklife

daithi7 wrote: »

100% Correct.

Op we cannot control the behaviour of others, we can only control our response to those behaviours.

If you do not clearly communicate that you are simply not interested in this man then how is he supposed to know.

Stop with the prevarication and procrastination. Simply text him No.

My bet is his behaviour will then subsequently revert back to a professional relationship. So now one last time for clarity: less of the drama, less complications, just say no, not interested that's all. Simples!!!

I'm not creating drama. He is!! He asked me to meet him for lunch recently and I said no, I'm busy at work. He then messages again asking inane questions about music or my sister. I ignore him and he texts yet again, why are you ignoring me?

How am I in any way responsible for this? I have done nothing wrong and have been nothing but professional. He is the one crossing the line and not taking no for an answer.

GingerLily

Porklife wrote: »

I'm not creating drama. He is!! He asked me to meet him for lunch recently and I said no, I'm busy at work. He then messages again asking inane questions about music or my sister. I ignore him and he texts yet again, why are you ignoring me?

How am I in any way responsible for this? I have done nothing wrong and have been nothing but professional. He is the one crossing the line and not taking no for an answer.

Your ignoring all the actual advise being given to you and just arguing with posters instead.

daithi7

OK you said no to lunch fine.

Have you told him you are simply not interested in him romantically?

That you feel his contacting you outside of office hours is inappropriate and unprofessional??

That you want him to stop and only communicate on work matters during working hours???

Porklife

GingerLily wrote: »

Your ignoring all the actual advise being given to you and just arguing with posters instead.

No I'm not actually. I emailed him earlier and asked him straight out for a written reference. I will also say no to anything he asks through text and will ask him to please only contact me in a work capacity.

That is literally taking all of the advice on board so don't presume to know it all.

daithi7

Jeez.....

Sleeper12

If he is bothering you tell him so. If you don't want to do that block his number.

CPTM

I suppose everyone has different boundaries and definitions of what's creepy. I text my old female manager the whole time. She's older than me, married with kids. We meet up for dinner the odd time to laugh about the struggles that still remain in my last place. Getting texts to meet up will never be creepy for me. I would think the 2am text however was an opportunity to put the foot down and say "Thanks for the apology, I'd rather keep this professional".

I see this time and time again with a lot of my friends, where they have this massive war in their heads about how creepy someone is, or how they won't leave them alone, or how "he's constantly texting me for dinner or to go out". But when you look at their responses they are filled with emojis, or with excuses (not rejections), or even with winks and smileys and laughing and flirting and all sorts that are aimed with getting out of the invite without sending a rejection (which doesn't have to be hurtful by the way).

What response have you given him that you would count as the clearest "No thanks I'm not interested" message? Sending no response is fine after a message of clarity has been sent. But if there has been any "Oh I'd love to but can't this weekend" messages before the lack of responses (which is what my mates send these people) then I think it's not stern enough.

ivebeenthere

Hi there. It's clear from a lot of these replies that many people in this thread haven't experienced sustained harassment. I have so I felt compelled to write to you. None of this is your fault. This man is fixated on you. He holds the power here, firstly being a man and secondly being an admired peer within your work area. 
I do think though it's time for you to draw a line. It's very hard to do this. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and this book will help you put all this into context. This man will keep texting and texting until he gets a response. If it takes 30 texts to get you to reply, next time he will just tot up the next amount of texts it takes for you to reply. Take copies of everything he's sent you and keep them in a diary. Mark the date that you have blocked all communication from him. This is you record to yourself and if you ever need it should he up the ante (he hopefully won't once you cut him out).
You're right, he is sleeked and cunning, all harassers are. They live in the blurred lines between public and private so that they don't do anything too inappropriate to be reported, yet suffocate you and frighten/upset you without you really being able to describe what is going on. I really do empathise with you.
Today block his number and email. You don't owe him anything. If he finds another way to get to you - through another employee by manipulating them etc, act completely oblivious. 'Oh goodness, I didn't get that message. I've just been so busy'. Cut off his oxygen. Do not communicate with him. Do not put yourself in situations where he may be - if this means not going to work functions so be it. after Sept/October time when he's no longer affiliated with the company you can reassess the situation. He'll take your appearance at an event he's at as you 'telling him' you're interested in him.
If you feel your new boss would be sympathetic, I would confide in her. I would do this in a way that leaves a paper trail. However, as with the nature of this kind of harassment people are often disinclined to believe victims. Even jut a letter flagging this up, noting this as a record. You don't have to go full steam ahead right at this moment. But today, right now, block him on emails, phone number, whatsapp, everything. Take a big breath. Never reply to him again and never let yourself be in his company again. Get that book The Gift of Fear. Stay strong xxx

leggo

I don't see why there's so much hostility towards the OP. Fundamentally, a guy is constantly texting her and, when she doesn't reply, badgering her to reply. If that was the problem presented, people would rally behind the OP normally. Why does the fact that he's her boss, using work as an excuse to pursue a personal relationship, married and not reading the signs somehow make HIS case stronger?!

She shouldn't have went for dinner with him but felt pressured because he made it a work thing. She didn't know how to reject the concert tickets because she was caught in the moment and didn't want to risk the possibility of a reference etc. Feeling awkward rejecting someone to their face is pretty common without the career worries. That doesn't make him the victim. He's not allowing her to ignore him, that's borderline harassment.

bucketybuck

leggo wrote: »

I don't see why there's so much hostility towards the OP.

Its because she has been nothing but hostile to the people offering advise.

Porklife

leggo wrote: »

I don't see why there's so much hostility towards the OP. Fundamentally, a guy is constantly texting her and, when she doesn't reply, badgering her to reply. If that was the problem presented, people would rally behind the OP normally. Why does the fact that he's her boss, using work as an excuse to pursue a personal relationship, married and not reading the signs somehow make HIS case stronger?!

She shouldn't have went for dinner with him but felt pressured because he made it a work thing. She didn't know how to reject the concert tickets because she was caught in the moment and didn't want to risk the possibility of a reference etc. Feeling awkward rejecting someone to their face is pretty common without the career worries. That doesn't make him the victim. He's not allowing her to ignore him, that's borderline harassment.

Thank you so much Leggo, that's exactly it. At first, I thought he was a nice man but he'd make comments on my appearance which I found a bit inappropriate but again nothing wrong per se. He'd say oh you look beautiful today, what a fabulous dress. That's just an innocent compliment depending where you stand.

He asked if he could whatsapp me if he ever had work related issues. I felt obliged to say yes of course. He then proceeds to message me about music, films, food etc. He sends photos of dinners when he's out, pictures of him in the pub with his pals. He messages telling me he's drunk. he messages asking what I'm up to. he asks me to send him photos if I say I'm out having dinner.

I was away for the weekend recently and was out one night so didn't look at my phone. Next morning, on a Sunday, I wake up to a barrage of messages asking why I'm not responding, am I ok, has something happened to me. Feigning concern and using it as a reason to harass me.

I'm a very laid back person, hate drama and this is the last thing I want to be happening. The only glaring... well actually, it's not even glaring but the only 'inappropriate' thing he's sent is - having dinner with you was so amazing on so many levels...

That is the moment my skin began to really crawl. My instincts are screaming at me that he is a creep. He messaged just a second ago saying Can we meet for coffee... it's work related. He doesn't work here anymore and there is no more work related stuff going on. I have a new CEO now.

My God, my head is wrecked with this!!

Porklife

bucketybuck wrote: »

Its because she has been nothing but hostile to the people offering advise.

No, I haven't, Jesus. I came here looking for advice and I've taken what everyone has said on board but I'm not going to take the blame for this. I haven't done anything wrong here.

Neyite

Mod:
OP, please stop being so defensive - advice is offered on a take it or leave it basis here and all posters are trying to help you, even if you feel their advice or suggestions are way off the mark. It's down to you what advice you choose best fits your situation and just ignore the stuff that doesn't.

Now. With the mod hat off, I've encountered this a few times, so have friends and usually it's pretty simple to nip in the bud by inventing a boyfriend. Telling him you are busy sounds plausible to him so it's not getting the 'not interested' message across to him. Not answering is also not getting the message across. He's retired now so probably looking for a hobby and has decided a mistress is a better option than golf. Unfortunately for you!

I understand you don't want to go in guns blazing so it may take some persistence on your part to shake him off in a less forthright way. Name drop a boyfriend, lots and lots. It might be no harm to talk to your CEO if you think she is approachable - she could have a good solution to it for you without it harming your career.

Porklife

Sorry for being so defensive and thank you all for your advice.

It's just not a nice situation. I really liked working with him at the start and it's disappointing it turned out this way. I just hope it doesn't affect my career.
I will take the advice of speaking to the new CEO who thankfully is a really lovely woman.

lisasimpson

OP. Nip it in the bud pronto!! Its getting to you your snapping at people here. If you dont sort it soon you will snap at him and come off the baddie which you are not.. hes totally in the wrong
Invent a bf if you have to or simply suggest he talk his wife/kids instead that you are turning over a new leaf where work life and personal life are completely seperate and once you leave work you have nothing to do it anything with work until you return to the office

Neyite

Porklife wrote: »

Sorry for being so defensive and thank you all for your advice.

It's just not a nice situation. I really liked working with him at the start and it's disappointing it turned out this way. I just hope it doesn't affect my career.
I will take the advice of speaking to the new CEO who thankfully is a really lovely woman.

It is an awful situation. And it's because of it affecting your career that you feel hemmed in. You are right - Ireland is a small place and someone influential in your area has the potential to harm that on you so it's frustrating when it's just because he's decided to make a pass at you.

Hope your CEO is able to help.

LLMMLL

If you don't want to try an abrupt "no" to all his requests just yet, how about insisting he come to the office to meet? So he says "I need to talk about work", "you respond "sure but I'm too busy to meet for lunch, how about dropping by the office", it will ensure all meetings are in a professional environment.

Deusexmachina

Porklife wrote: »

Thank you so much Leggo, that's exactly it. At first, I thought he was a nice man but he'd make comments on my appearance which I found a bit inappropriate but again nothing wrong per se. He'd say oh you look beautiful today, what a fabulous dress. That's just an innocent compliment depending where you stand.

He asked if he could whatsapp me if he ever had work related issues. I felt obliged to say yes of course. He then proceeds to message me about music, films, food etc. He sends photos of dinners when he's out, pictures of him in the pub with his pals. He messages telling me he's drunk. he messages asking what I'm up to. he asks me to send him photos if I say I'm out having dinner.

I was away for the weekend recently and was out one night so didn't look at my phone. Next morning, on a Sunday, I wake up to a barrage of messages asking why I'm not responding, am I ok, has something happened to me. Feigning concern and using it as a reason to harass me.

I'm a very laid back person, hate drama and this is the last thing I want to be happening. The only glaring... well actually, it's not even glaring but the only 'inappropriate' thing he's sent is - having dinner with you was so amazing on so many levels...

That is the moment my skin began to really crawl. My instincts are screaming at me that he is a creep. He messaged just a second ago saying Can we meet for coffee... it's work related. He doesn't work here anymore and there is no more work related stuff going on. I have a new CEO now.

My God, my head is wrecked with this!!

You should have indicated that you only want reponses that validate your own opinion.
The advice you have been offered here is excellent. Reply to him and politely refuse his request to meet. Tell him you are not comfortable to do so. Forget references etc - it's a non issue.
You have not communicated your position clearly to him. You need to do so - by text so you have a record of it.
If he continues thereafter, bring the issue to HR. End of.
He's not 'creepy' or a 'stalker' as you have called him. Not until he has ignored your clear and unambiguous communications.

LynnGrace

LLMMLL wrote: »

If you don't want to try an abrupt "no" to all his requests just yet, how about insisting he come to the office to meet? So he says "I need to talk about work", "you respond "sure but I'm too busy to meet for lunch, how about dropping by the office", it will ensure all meetings are in a professional environment.

I think this is a good suggestion. If he still has links with the company, I think you said that he owns it, then there is no reason why he can't drop in.

He is out of order, IMO. Definitely rule out the gig, and any other attempts to meet with you on your own.

Katgurl

I think the responses here are really unfair. This man is taking advsntage of his seniority to ignore boundaries. Relentless texting, invites, demands to kmow why you are not responding... now he is using the work excuse again to manipulate you.

You have not said how old you are but I'm guessing in your 20's. The only reason i am estimating this is because he seems to think he can get away with this. I am delighted to see you are very clear that you have done nothing wrong.

I do not think you should hide behind the new boyfriend story. Why should you?

I would take take the advise about not going out for a coffee but responding that if there are work related issues you can discuss them in the office.

I would let new ceo know - keep it short and sweet.

Thank him for the concert tickets but say you do not wish to go and think contact should be professional only, during working hours and in the office.

Do not engage in any further communication beyond that or offer explanations.

It will be a really positive experience for you to stand up for yourself and by showing him that you will not be pushed around i am almost certain he will not try anything underhand with the reference.

One last thing - beyond telling your ceo do not mention to anybody else. Remain professional at all times and give him no ammunition.

Good luck.

Porklife

Deusexmachina wrote: »

You should have indicated that you only want reponses that validate your own opinion.
The advice you have been offered here is excellent. Reply to him and politely refuse his request to meet. Tell him you are not comfortable to do so. Forget references etc - it's a non issue.
You have not communicated your position clearly to him. You need to do so - by text so you have a record of it.
If he continues thereafter, bring the issue to HR. End of.
He's not 'creepy' or a 'stalker' as you have called him. Not until he has ignored your clear and unambiguous communications.

I never called him a stalker.

batmanrobin

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're in this situation. It sounds really unpleasant. Plus you seem to be getting raked over the coals here to a certain degree.

I would do as another poster suggested and tell him to come into the office, maybe even drop into the message that you've told the new CEO he'll be dropping in. That might take the wind out of his sails a bit? If he doesn't accept this, just say you can't meet him. Don't give any explanations. You don't owe him any, just say you can't.

He's put you in an awkward position because he's making it about work, when it isn't, but it makes it harder for you to say no. But at this point I think you just need to say no. He's really taking advantage of his power. But you're not powerless, as another poster said, no is a powerful word. Keep saying no, have a convo with your new boss about his behaviour, do what you can to put his back in his box.

Big Bag of Chips

Porklife wrote: »

Are you actually for real?? Was your husband married at the time with kids???

.....People like you defending him and making me question his motives are the reason these things carry on.

I replied to two posts from you that had no information about you, or him other than he was retired and you always thought he was nice and you had a good working relationship.

Only afterwards you clarified that he is married, and you are very young.

If you are not clear in your communication it is not fair to jump on others for the advice they give based on the information you have given. And before you jump on others you should reread what you think you posted to see if you're right!

Now, with more information my advice is you need to be clearer. You need to make it very clear to him that you are not interested. How you do that is up to you and what you are comfortable doing or saying. You can tell him you're not going to the concert. Tell him you appreciate the offer (if you do) but tell him you're not going and to give the ticket(s) to his children. If he rings you or texts you and you don't answer, you can text him later and say you were very busy and if he has anything work related to ask you to give you a ring in the office whatever day. You don't interact with him any more on a personal level. And I think if it does continue you need to speak to the new CEO.

You can complain about him being inappropriate and creepy all you like, and people can agree with how inappropriate and creepy he is but what's that going to do for you? You need to address it. Be that very directly by asking him to stop, be that slightly indirectly by telling him you can't go to the concert, can't meet him for dinner/lunch, can't take his calls, or be that by involving someone else (HR, the CEO) but unless you actually do something it's unlikely to stop.

Saying how he should know better, shouldn't use his position of power etc is pointless, he shouldn't be doing these things, but he is. Saying, to others, that he shouldn't be isn't going to change anything.

amtc

I was wondering if one of the reasons you are reluctant to say anything is because you'd a chance of getting contract extended?

Anyway re the text stating that meeting is work related means he knows others weren't. So ask him to come to office. Better still ask him for an agenda. Or state that new ceo explicitly wants everything to go through her.

I'd suggest that the end of this could be easier achieved by meeting at your instigation and saying...you know I think you're a lovely man and I enjoyed working with you but times move on. To be honest with you we all have to concrntrate on our own lives, you on your retirement with your family. To.be honest the amount of texts is making me feel uncomfortable. I don't mind the odd catch up but can we leave it at that. Thanks. I know you understand. Bye.

I had a conversation like that with my old boss after he tried it on over a number of years. It worked. We actually got on well and to this day meet occasionally some 15 years later.

Faith

I wonder if the dynamic that's playing out on this thread is reflective of the dynamic that plays out in your communication with this chap, OP?

You post this thread, feeling like you've been clear in your concerns. However, you've actually omitted important information, and others interpret your communication in a way that you didn't intend. This then elicits strong reactions in you, that baffle and irritate those who replied to you.

Is it possible that you're also being quite unclear in your interactions with your boss, perhaps unintentionally omitting important information (e.g. Not making it clear that his approach is unwelcome), which he interprets in a way that suits himself, which then causes you to feel this response of anger and revulsion?

It sounds like you feel like you have no control in this situation - like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. And it's definitely not an easy situation to be in. But there are ways out, and there has been some good advice on this thread to help you out. I think you may benefit from taking a big mental step back, reviewing the whole situation, and starting afresh in establishing clear boundaries with him.

Best of luck with it.

Deusexmachina

Porklife wrote: »

I never called him a stalker.

I'm beginning to question his taste...

dudara

@Deusexmachina - Posts in Personal Issues are requested to be helpful and offer constructive advice. One liners are not welcome here. I'd recommend reading the charter before posting again.

dudara

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

@Deusexmachina - Posts in Personal Issues are requested to be helpful and offer constructive advice. One liners are not welcome here. I'd recommend reading the charter before posting again.

dudara

Apologies to OP - poor taste

homerjay2005

Porklife wrote: »

T
I'm a very laid back person, hate drama

im sorry but your language, tone and aggression towards people who reply here and how you are reacting/dealing with this, suggest otherwise. some of your posts and replies scream drama queen.

cut contact (either gradually over a week or two or all at once), stop replying to him and eventually he will get the message. you are slightly leaving him hang on because you need a reference - you need to make a decision here and either accept a few messages until you get it or pull the plug completely and just move on and have him out of your life totally. you cant have everything when you are,as pointed out, partly to blame here because youve alternative motives that are driving this.

and creepyness is completely subjective - what you find creepy isnt necessarily going to be the universal opinion but of course, you are totally entitled to feel like that. but i wonder if he was young, single, attractive etc etc would you think he was creepy?

Porklife

homerjay2005 wrote: »

im sorry but your language, tone and aggression towards people who reply here and how you are reacting/dealing with this, suggest otherwise. some of your posts and replies scream drama queen.

cut contact (either gradually over a week or two or all at once), stop replying to him and eventually he will get the message. you are slightly leaving him hang on because you need a reference - you need to make a decision here and either accept a few messages until you get it or pull the plug completely and just move on and have him out of your life totally. you cant have everything when you are,as pointed out, partly to blame here because youve alternative motives that are driving this.

and creepyness is completely subjective - what you find creepy isnt necessarily going to be the universal opinion but of course, you are totally entitled to feel like that. but i wonder if he was young, single, attractive etc etc would you think he was creepy?

Yes I would and it would turn me off him as a person. I think messaging somebody drunk at 2am is very unprofessional. He asked for my number to message me in a work capacity but instead used it to send a barrage of non-work related topics and pictures on a daily basis.

I also think forcing someone to reply to your messages is pushy. If I didn't reply he'd ask me constantly why I'm not replying. If anyone has ulterior motives here it's him. I just want to work hard and have my efforts recognised by way of a reference. I completed a lot of successful projects and feel that's only fair.