Can't really get excited about this wedding and hen part

c68zapdsm5i1ru · 08-06-2017 03:16PM #1

I'm coming under pressure to go to a weekend hen party in the west of Ireland that involves two nights in a hotel, some expensive Spa treatments and a meal in an upmarket restaurant. I'm also expected to attend the wedding which will be in Spain this Autumn and consists of a pre wedding party, the wedding itself, and a barbecue the day after. They're then going on their honeymoon to the Caymen Islands and are, apparently, setting up a honeymoon fund for guests to contribute to in lieu of presents.

The bride to be is in her forties, has been living with her fiancé in their own house for about twelve years and they have two children together. Am I being a grump to wish they'd just go off quietly and get married with their children and parents as guests?

I'm happy for them and all that. But surely all this palaver is a bit OTT when they've been living like a married couple for years?

Dravokivich · 08-06-2017 03:19PM

Shenshen · 08-06-2017 03:19PM

I'd feel the same way... that's a lot to be asking of your "guests", I think.
We wouldn't let our guests pay for their hotel rooms, I felt we were asking them to spend enough already coming to Ireland from Germany and the UK.

ScumLord · 08-06-2017 03:20PM

These weddings have gotten out of hand. It's one thing to have a wedding and invite friends to witness it but to ape the craic that goes on at celebrity weddings and expect everyone else to cover the costs and show up as extras for the backgrounds of photos is a bit over the top.

If they want an over the top wedding they should pay for it themselves, if they want people to show up make it accessible and don't make demands, it's not other people's job to make the couple feel like a magazine shot come to life.

freshpopcorn · 08-06-2017 03:20PM

Lots of people don't like going to weddings especially the ones abroad which are meant to save you money because weddings are so much more expensive in Ireland be it for the couple or guests attending. The infamous line is when your told you can make it your Summer holiday to!
You don't have to go to the wedding. You've just to make up some kind of excuse.

jamesbere · 08-06-2017 03:24PM

Each to their own, but they shouldn't expect people to have income to afford all this. Weddings can be expensive, when you take into account, stag/hen, travel, accommodation and unfit and present.

If you can't afford it don't go, only thing I ask is why people have to give money to a honeymoon fund?

c68zapdsm5i1ru · 08-06-2017 03:25PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Lots of people don't like going to weddings especially the ones abroad which are meant to save you money because weddings are so much more expensive in Ireland be it for the couple or guests attending. The infamous line is when your told you can make it your Summer holiday to!
You don't have to go to the wedding. You've just to make up some kind of excuse.

Exactly. I already have plans for my annual leave this Summer and really don't want to have to waste several days and a load of money travelling somewhere I don't want to go with people I don't necessarily want to spend several days with.

ash23 · 08-06-2017 03:27PM

Why not just politely decline?

I pondered aloud the idea of eloping with himself and was warned by my siblings and friends that I had better not and that they really would like to be there even if it's abroad - just give them plenty of notice.

An invite is just that, an invite. It's possible to decline it.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 08-06-2017 03:30PM

The honeymoon thing just takes the biscuit. They should pay for their own bloody trip and stop pressuring people into handing over sizeable sums of cash.

The gift should be your willingness to fly yourself out to Spain to attend the event.

Boom_Bap · 08-06-2017 03:33PM

You don't have to go to the hen.
You don't have to go to the wedding.
You don't need to contribute anything to the honeymoon fund.

Simple.

Armchair Andy · 08-06-2017 03:35PM

Tell them youre saving up for your divorce.

c68zapdsm5i1ru · 08-06-2017 03:35PM

Boom_Bap wrote: »

You don't have to go to the hen.
You don't have to go to the wedding.
You don't need to contribute anything to the honeymoon fund.

Simple.

Yes except there'll be hurt feelings etc.

Boom_Bap · 08-06-2017 03:36PM

Terry Chubby Bellows wrote: »

Yes except there'll be hurt feelings etc.

Yeah but, focus on #1, yourself.
You just attend or contribute to what you want to do.

Atlantic Dawn · 08-06-2017 03:37PM

Terry Chubby Bellows wrote: »

Yes except there'll be hurt feelings etc.

They need a good kick up the hole is what they need :pac:

tupenny · 08-06-2017 03:37PM

Cheek of them with their honeymoon account!!

Know the feeling though OP, 5 weddings this year, all of close friends and family, which I feel i can't not go to. Then the hens on top of it . Ridiculous.

I've often wondered do the bride and groom actually even enjoy the day?

It'd be my idea of hell. If I ever did get married it'd be as low-key as possible and def wouldn't be expecting gifts and cash to cover it.
I'd imagine the majority of guests at weddings don't even want to be there

Toots · 08-06-2017 03:39PM

Go to the wedding but not the hen. Give a small gift. Having a wedding abroad AND looking for gifts is just the height of greediness.

GavRedKing · 08-06-2017 03:40PM

Theyre both adults, tell them you're not going because you cant afford it, if they get upset over that, f**k um, theyre not really your friends and theyre only inviting people to treat them as cash cows for their day out.

Rave.ef · 08-06-2017 03:41PM

That's a fair amount of pressure to put people under.
We got married abroad two years ago but we made it ckear to every one from the start if they could go great if not totally understandable. We didn't have stag/hen partys because we knew people would be there for a week. And gifts we didn't want any and we made that very clear from the outset, never mind asking for cash

c68zapdsm5i1ru · 08-06-2017 03:41PM

tupenny wrote: »

Cheek of them with their honeymoon account!!

Know the feeling though OP, 5 weddings this year, all of close friends and family, which I feel i can't not go to. Then the hens on top of it . Ridiculous.

I've often wondered do the bride and groom actually even enjoy the day?

It'd be my idea of hell. If I ever did get married it'd be as low-key as possible and def wouldn't be expecting gifts and cash to cover it.
I'd imagine the majority of guests at weddings don't even want to be there

I agree. I think an awful lot of people just attend weddings out of a sense of duty and manners. Particularly nowadays when most couples have been living together for years and that whole sense of romance and starting out on their shared journey together no longer exists.

tayto lover · 08-06-2017 03:42PM

Big weddings are just a show-off affair these days.
Very few people want to be invited. Having to give up a day's wages or holiday is just too much plus then having to divvy out money as a present.

People should settle for a small family wedding instead of going to inordinate expense. That money could be used for better purposes.

As a friend of mine says "I'd rather get a summons".

keeponhurling · 08-06-2017 03:42PM

Just decline and say you don't have the money for it.

LadyMacBeth_ · 08-06-2017 03:45PM

I feel for you OP, sounds like my worst nightmare. Thankfully I haven't had to go to too many weddings and my own one was very low key, the fuss is a pain in the hole. My friends are getting married in August and I was so relieved to hear that they are doing a registry office which is optional to go to and then a party at their house, so very relaxed and low key, can't be dealing with hens and fascinators and bullshyte.

c6ysaphjvqw41k · 08-06-2017 03:47PM

This post has been deleted.

osarusan · 08-06-2017 03:47PM

Dear (NAME),

Thank you so much for the invitation to your (EVENT) in (PLACE) on (DATE).

Unfortunately, I'm really sorry to have to inform you that I won't be able to make your (EVENT). I would really love to go but sadly I (HAVE OTHER PLANS/AM NOT WELL/AM WORKING/HAVE AN ILLNESS IN THE FAMILY - delete as appropriate). I really hope it's not too much of a problem, and that you are not too disappointed.

I hope everybody has a great time, and that it's a wonderful and memorable (EVENT). I really wish I could be there to see (RELEVANT ACTIVITY), but it's just not to be. Still, I'd love to try to organise something together in (PLACE) in the not-too-distant future to make up for my absence.

Kind regards,

(YOUR NAME).

Send them that, without any changes at all.

ncmc · 08-06-2017 03:58PM

Ok, their wedding and the hen sound way over the top, but I hate these threads when people come on and moan about how they HAVE to go to the wedding/hen/pre wedding party etc. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Most people are fairly reasonable and understand by having a destination wedding that there will be a higher percentage of people who can't attend. And if they are so precious that they can't understand that, then really you don't need them in your life.

I regularly don't attend hens, I don't tend to enjoy them and find them too expensive on top of the cost of the wedding. Do you want to go to the wedding? There is nothing to stop you going for a couple of days and skipping the pre wedding party or the BBQ (if you can afford the time and money to attend) If you can't afford it or don't want to go then just tell the couple that you are unable to attend. Don't start making up elaborate lies or excuses, just say you are unable to attend and wish them the best of luck. Simple as that.

retro:electro · 08-06-2017 04:06PM

Couples like the op has mentioned are exactly why I'm reluctant to have a wedding. I'm half thinking of just the two of us going abroad and coming back like "oh ya we got married there the other day". Could not be arsed with it and dragging people all over the country to see my boyfriend shove a ring on my finger and pretend like they give a sh1t. I'm not being harsh about them, I barely care myself.

Idle Passerby · 08-06-2017 04:11PM

As others have said, your entitled to say no to invitations. Most people that I'm aware of have had less attend their wedding than was invited. People have lives. If the bride and groom's feelings are hurt by someone declining an invitation, they must spend their lives nursing hurt feelings. Who could be bothered tip toeing around adults who would throw a strop because you didn't come to their party?

Noveight · 08-06-2017 04:12PM

Go to the wedding. Politely decline the rest.

No point in spending a rake of cash just to avoid putting someone's nose out of joint.

tayto lover · 08-06-2017 04:14PM

Just return the card with this wee video -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpiL3wuluEY

Noodles81 · 08-06-2017 04:15PM

anna080 wrote: »

Couples like the op has mentioned are exactly why I'm reluctant to have a wedding. I'm half thinking of just the two of us going abroad and coming back like "oh ya we got married there the other day". Could not be arsed with it and dragging people all over the country to see my boyfriend shove a ring on my finger and pretend like they give a sh1t. I'm not being harsh about them, I barely care myself.

Exactly, it's such a load of self indulgent crap. We told out respective families we're having a small civil wedding next year in a beautiful country house and we're paying for everything. All they have to do is turn up and enjoy. There's only about 24 going so we can afford to treat them. There's no hens or stags. We both think they are another load of nonsense.

The way we were brought up is if you invite someone to something, you pay for them.

_Brian · 08-06-2017 04:17PM

Don't feel obliged to go or contribute either.
They're acting like spoiled brats expecting soo so much of people.

You could go to one night of the hen party, it's not unusual for people only to be available for one.

Can't really get excited about this wedding and hen part

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