Can't really get excited about this wedding and hen part

c68zapdsm5i1ru

I'm coming under pressure to go to a weekend hen party in the west of Ireland that involves two nights in a hotel, some expensive Spa treatments and a meal in an upmarket restaurant. I'm also expected to attend the wedding which will be in Spain this Autumn and consists of a pre wedding party, the wedding itself, and a barbecue the day after. They're then going on their honeymoon to the Caymen Islands and are, apparently, setting up a honeymoon fund for guests to contribute to in lieu of presents.

The bride to be is in her forties, has been living with her fiancé in their own house for about twelve years and they have two children together. Am I being a grump to wish they'd just go off quietly and get married with their children and parents as guests?

I'm happy for them and all that. But surely all this palaver is a bit OTT when they've been living like a married couple for years?

Dravokivich

Shenshen

I'd feel the same way... that's a lot to be asking of your "guests", I think.
We wouldn't let our guests pay for their hotel rooms, I felt we were asking them to spend enough already coming to Ireland from Germany and the UK.

ScumLord

These weddings have gotten out of hand. It's one thing to have a wedding and invite friends to witness it but to ape the craic that goes on at celebrity weddings and expect everyone else to cover the costs and show up as extras for the backgrounds of photos is a bit over the top.


If they want an over the top wedding they should pay for it themselves, if they want people to show up make it accessible and don't make demands, it's not other people's job to make the couple feel like a magazine shot come to life.

freshpopcorn

Lots of people don't like going to weddings especially the ones abroad which are meant to save you money because weddings are so much more expensive in Ireland be it for the couple or guests attending. The infamous line is when your told you can make it your Summer holiday to!
You don't have to go to the wedding. You've just to make up some kind of excuse.

jamesbere

Each to their own, but they shouldn't expect people to have income to afford all this. Weddings can be expensive, when you take into account, stag/hen, travel, accommodation and unfit and present.

If you can't afford it don't go, only thing I ask is why people have to give money to a honeymoon fund?

c68zapdsm5i1ru

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Lots of people don't like going to weddings especially the ones abroad which are meant to save you money because weddings are so much more expensive in Ireland be it for the couple or guests attending. The infamous line is when your told you can make it your Summer holiday to!
You don't have to go to the wedding. You've just to make up some kind of excuse.

Exactly. I already have plans for my annual leave this Summer and really don't want to have to waste several days and a load of money travelling somewhere I don't want to go with people I don't necessarily want to spend several days with.

ash23

Why not just politely decline?

I pondered aloud the idea of eloping with himself and was warned by my siblings and friends that I had better not and that they really would like to be there even if it's abroad - just give them plenty of notice.

An invite is just that, an invite. It's possible to decline it.

DEFTLEFTHAND

The honeymoon thing just takes the biscuit. They should pay for their own bloody trip and stop pressuring people into handing over sizeable sums of cash.

The gift should be your willingness to fly yourself out to Spain to attend the event.

Boom_Bap

You don't have to go to the hen.
You don't have to go to the wedding.
You don't need to contribute anything to the honeymoon fund.

Simple.

Armchair Andy

Tell them youre saving up for your divorce.

c68zapdsm5i1ru

Boom_Bap wrote: »

You don't have to go to the hen.
You don't have to go to the wedding.
You don't need to contribute anything to the honeymoon fund.

Simple.

Yes except there'll be hurt feelings etc.

Boom_Bap

Terry Chubby Bellows wrote: »

Yes except there'll be hurt feelings etc.

Yeah but, focus on #1, yourself.
You just attend or contribute to what you want to do.

Atlantic Dawn

Terry Chubby Bellows wrote: »

Yes except there'll be hurt feelings etc.

They need a good kick up the hole is what they need :pac:

tupenny

Cheek of them with their honeymoon account!!

Know the feeling though OP, 5 weddings this year, all of close friends and family, which I feel i can't not go to. Then the hens on top of it . Ridiculous.

I've often wondered do the bride and groom actually even enjoy the day?

It'd be my idea of hell. If I ever did get married it'd be as low-key as possible and def wouldn't be expecting gifts and cash to cover it.
I'd imagine the majority of guests at weddings don't even want to be there

Toots

Go to the wedding but not the hen. Give a small gift. Having a wedding abroad AND looking for gifts is just the height of greediness.

GavRedKing

Theyre both adults, tell them you're not going because you cant afford it, if they get upset over that, f**k um, theyre not really your friends and theyre only inviting people to treat them as cash cows for their day out.

Rave.ef

That's a fair amount of pressure to put people under.
We got married abroad two years ago but we made it ckear to every one from the start if they could go great if not totally understandable. We didn't have stag/hen partys because we knew people would be there for a week. And gifts we didn't want any and we made that very clear from the outset, never mind asking for cash

c68zapdsm5i1ru

tupenny wrote: »

Cheek of them with their honeymoon account!!

Know the feeling though OP, 5 weddings this year, all of close friends and family, which I feel i can't not go to. Then the hens on top of it . Ridiculous.

I've often wondered do the bride and groom actually even enjoy the day?

It'd be my idea of hell. If I ever did get married it'd be as low-key as possible and def wouldn't be expecting gifts and cash to cover it.
I'd imagine the majority of guests at weddings don't even want to be there

I agree. I think an awful lot of people just attend weddings out of a sense of duty and manners. Particularly nowadays when most couples have been living together for years and that whole sense of romance and starting out on their shared journey together no longer exists.

tayto lover

Big weddings are just a show-off affair these days.
Very few people want to be invited. Having to give up a day's wages or holiday is just too much plus then having to divvy out money as a present.

People should settle for a small family wedding instead of going to inordinate expense. That money could be used for better purposes.

As a friend of mine says "I'd rather get a summons".

keeponhurling

Just decline and say you don't have the money for it.

LadyMacBeth_

I feel for you OP, sounds like my worst nightmare. Thankfully I haven't had to go to too many weddings and my own one was very low key, the fuss is a pain in the hole. My friends are getting married in August and I was so relieved to hear that they are doing a registry office which is optional to go to and then a party at their house, so very relaxed and low key, can't be dealing with hens and fascinators and bullshyte.

c6ysaphjvqw41k

This post has been deleted.

osarusan

Dear (NAME),

Thank you so much for the invitation to your (EVENT) in (PLACE) on (DATE).

Unfortunately, I'm really sorry to have to inform you that I won't be able to make your (EVENT). I would really love to go but sadly I (HAVE OTHER PLANS/AM NOT WELL/AM WORKING/HAVE AN ILLNESS IN THE FAMILY - delete as appropriate). I really hope it's not too much of a problem, and that you are not too disappointed.

I hope everybody has a great time, and that it's a wonderful and memorable (EVENT). I really wish I could be there to see (RELEVANT ACTIVITY), but it's just not to be. Still, I'd love to try to organise something together in (PLACE) in the not-too-distant future to make up for my absence.

Kind regards,

(YOUR NAME).

Send them that, without any changes at all.

ncmc

Ok, their wedding and the hen sound way over the top, but I hate these threads when people come on and moan about how they HAVE to go to the wedding/hen/pre wedding party etc. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Most people are fairly reasonable and understand by having a destination wedding that there will be a higher percentage of people who can't attend. And if they are so precious that they can't understand that, then really you don't need them in your life.

I regularly don't attend hens, I don't tend to enjoy them and find them too expensive on top of the cost of the wedding. Do you want to go to the wedding? There is nothing to stop you going for a couple of days and skipping the pre wedding party or the BBQ (if you can afford the time and money to attend) If you can't afford it or don't want to go then just tell the couple that you are unable to attend. Don't start making up elaborate lies or excuses, just say you are unable to attend and wish them the best of luck. Simple as that.

retro:electro

Couples like the op has mentioned are exactly why I'm reluctant to have a wedding. I'm half thinking of just the two of us going abroad and coming back like "oh ya we got married there the other day". Could not be arsed with it and dragging people all over the country to see my boyfriend shove a ring on my finger and pretend like they give a sh1t. I'm not being harsh about them, I barely care myself.

Idle Passerby

As others have said, your entitled to say no to invitations. Most people that I'm aware of have had less attend their wedding than was invited. People have lives. If the bride and groom's feelings are hurt by someone declining an invitation, they must spend their lives nursing hurt feelings. Who could be bothered tip toeing around adults who would throw a strop because you didn't come to their party?

Noveight

Go to the wedding. Politely decline the rest.

No point in spending a rake of cash just to avoid putting someone's nose out of joint.

tayto lover

Just return the card with this wee video -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpiL3wuluEY

Noodles81

anna080 wrote: »

Couples like the op has mentioned are exactly why I'm reluctant to have a wedding. I'm half thinking of just the two of us going abroad and coming back like "oh ya we got married there the other day". Could not be arsed with it and dragging people all over the country to see my boyfriend shove a ring on my finger and pretend like they give a sh1t. I'm not being harsh about them, I barely care myself.

Exactly, it's such a load of self indulgent crap. We told out respective families we're having a small civil wedding next year in a beautiful country house and we're paying for everything. All they have to do is turn up and enjoy. There's only about 24 going so we can afford to treat them. There's no hens or stags. We both think they are another load of nonsense.

The way we were brought up is if you invite someone to something, you pay for them.

_Brian

Don't feel obliged to go or contribute either.
They're acting like spoiled brats expecting soo so much of people.

You could go to one night of the hen party, it's not unusual for people only to be available for one.

Ghekko

I have declined hen nights of close friends simply as I couldn't afford them. I didn't care whether they were upset or not. As for the wedding abroad - if you had booked your holidays or made plans then simply say so and don't go. Again, if they are put out it's their issue, not yours. Any couple expecting people to travel abroad for a wedding and then expecting their guests to fund their honeymoon have a serious sense of entitlement. Next thing you know they'll be asking you to mind their kids while they're gone! Stop putting their feelings before your own.

messy tessy

Toots wrote: »

Go to the wedding but not the hen. Give a small gift. Having a wedding abroad AND looking for gifts is just the height of greediness.

The absolute cheek of it!
Anyone I know that got married abroad sent a line on the invite with 'your presence is your present' which is more than fair when it's a wedding abroad.

Unless I was really good friends with them I wouldn't be going.

missvicky

Op, you don't have to go. I always feel that these type of weddings are all for show. I got married a few years ago, didn' t have a hen away just went local for a meal one night and then a night at my mothers. My oh went away for one night and closer the time we had a bridal party get together. We had the typical 120 guests in a local hotel absolutely no pressure on anybody and it was an amazing day. People still talk about how relaxed the whole thing was.We didn't bother doing anything the next day either we just went for dinner ourselves. Don't put any pressure on yourself to tend to the demands

nice_guy80

my other half was asked for €250 recently for a two night hen party!!!

I hope they are getting to sniff lines of cocaine for that, or something
I told her not to go. She feels under pressure to go as all her friends are going.

WinnyThePoo

It's mad. I went over abroad to my brothers wedding, though he actually lives in the country. I couldn't imagine asking people to fly abroad for a sunny wedding. I'm more the cheap and cheerful person.

If I was ever to have a stag. A few Pints with close friends would do.

s4uv3

Don't be worried about "hurting their feelings". Are they worried about wrecking your head with their "super mega fun WOOOO" demands? Doubt it.

Seve OB

Terry Chubby Bellows wrote: »

Yes except there'll be hurt feelings etc.

Will your feelings be hurt? Or would you rather hurt your wallet?

Stick 50 dollars in an envelope for them and let them know you won't be able to make it but will say a prayer for them.

retro:electro

nice_guy80 wrote: »

my other half was asked for €250 recently for a two night hen party!!!

I hope they are getting to sniff lines of cocaine for that, or something
I told her not to go. She feels under pressure to go as all her friends are going.

I was at a hen last year where we had to pay €250 for accommodation and extras. Wouldn't mind but we stayed in a bloody travel lodge! And the night wasn't anything special. Can't fathom what everyone's money went on

c68zapdsm5i1ru

Yes, the hotel and spa treatments come to approx. €250 each. And that's before you factor in the meal which will probably cost about €40 plus chipping in for the bride and then drinks, petrol costs, lunches etc. I reckon I'd be lucky to get away with spending €500 over the weekend.

I think I'll withstand the pressure and just say it's too expensive.

What happened to going for a Chinese and then to the local for a few drinks?

Murrisk

I was at a wedding at the weekend. It was great fun and the couple are just lovely. It was my husband's cousin.

But there was, of course, the second day palaver which I ruled myself out of attending pretty quickly as I don't like either having the cure OR doing anything when I'm hungover. But my huz and my mother-in-law were expected at the next day dealie even though they would have loved to stay home with me and my father-in-law being hungover and watching films. They were so unenthusiastic. And the mother of the bride was totally exhausted at the next day event too apparently.

It's all got so extravagant and self-indulgent, the whole wedding thing in Ireland. And I'm sure a lot of couples would like to chill the day after their wedding too but they feel they have to bend to expectations.

freshpopcorn

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Lots of people don't like going to weddings especially the ones abroad which are meant to save you money because weddings are so much more expensive in Ireland be it for the couple or guests attending. The infamous line is when your told you can make it your Summer holiday to!
You don't have to go to the wedding. You've just to make up some kind of excuse.

No need for an excuse. Just decline politely.

retro:electro

Terry Chubby Bellows wrote: »

Yes, the hotel and spa treatments come to approx. €250 each. And that's before you factor in the meal which will probably cost about €40 plus chipping in for the bride and then drinks, petrol costs, lunches etc. I reckon I'd be lucky to get away with spending €500 over the weekend.

I think I'll withstand the pressure and just say it's too expensive.

What happened to going for a Chinese and then to the local for a few drinks?

That is absolutely ridiculous. You shouldn't feel bad for saying it's too expensive because it is just that. I'd be mortified to ask anyone to spend that much on my hen. Notions!
For my hen I'm having a few drinks out in my back garden, a BBQ and a sing song and am filling the bath up with beer and ice lol.

c68zapdsm5i1ru

Murrisk wrote: »

I was at a wedding at the weekend. It was great fun and the couple are just lovely. It was my husband's cousin.

But there was, of course, the second day palaver which I ruled myself out of attending pretty quickly as I don't like either having the cure OR doing anything when I'm hungover. But my huz and my mother-in-law were expected at the next day dealie even though they would have loved to stay home with me and my father-in-law being hungover and watching films. They were so unenthusiastic. And the mother of the bride was totally exhausted at the next day event too apparently.

It's all got so extravagant and self-indulgent, the whole wedding thing in Ireland. And I'm sure a lot of couples would like to chill the day after their wedding too but they feel they have to bend to expectations.

I have a few friends who get all squealey and excited about weddings, and would be exactly the type to egg the bride on and make her think that everyone is super delighted to go on a week long hen party and fly out to Fiji for the wedding and so on and so forth. Sadly, the bride often believes this small coterie and genuinely thinks they're giving everyone a big treat with their big palavery weddings, when in fact most people have better things to do with their money, time and annual leave.

I really wish people would just go back to having a few drinks or no hen party at all, and a wedding held locally that starts at 1 pm and is finished by midnight so the guests can get a taxi home to their own beds.

Maybe I'm just boring.

suicide_circus

The honeymoon account turns things from the annoying to the offensive. They sound like a pair of tossers.

As previously stated, when a wedding is out foreign, the gift is the fact that they paid to fly out and possibly took annual leave to attend.

happyday

Murrisk wrote: »

I was at a wedding at the weekend. It was great fun and the couple are just lovely. It was my husband's cousin.

But there was, of course, the second day palaver which I ruled myself out of attending pretty quickly as I don't like either having the cure OR doing anything when I'm hungover. But my huz and my mother-in-law were expected at the next day dealie even though they would have loved to stay home with me and my father-in-law being hungover and watching films. They were so unenthusiastic. And the mother of the bride was totally exhausted at the next day event too apparently.

It's all got so extravagant and self-indulgent, the whole wedding thing in Ireland. And I'm sure a lot of couples would like to chill the day after their wedding too but they feel they have to bend to expectations.

I was at a wedding a couple of years ago where the bride was so hungover she was hours late for the 2nd day bbq. What a load of bull!

TOss Sweep

OP I declined a wedding like this years ago. We were all in our late twenties and I just could not afford the Stag and the Wedding abroad and I declined. The bride and groom didn't speak to me for a few months but you know what we were all adults they got over it. I straight up told them that I would love to be there but I just don't have the money for it. They will get over it if you decline and if not it is better that people like that are not in your life.

Murrisk

happyday wrote: »

I was at a wedding a couple of years ago where the bride was so hungover she was hours late for the 2nd day bbq. What a load of bull!

Jaysus!

Effects

Terry Chubby Bellows wrote: »

I'm happy for them and all that. But surely all this palaver is a bit OTT when they've been living like a married couple for years?

Maybe they couldn't afford a wedding and have been putting it off until now. I can't see the problem with them wanting to enjoy themselves.

That said, if you don't think you can't afford it and don't want to go then make an excuse/give a reason. I think people understand when people can't make it to foreign weddings.

Irish Guitarist

Give them a bottle of sunscreen each and tell them it's your contribution to their Cayan Islands honeymoon.

Seve OB

TOss Sweep wrote: »

The bride and groom didn't speak to me for a few months.

Dicks. At least they came through in the end though