Wedding gift help (MOD WARNING IN POST #1)

yvonne.joy.3 · 09-03-2017 02:58PM #1

Okay so my bf's sister is getting married in Portugal this year. It's our first wedding together and having trouble with what to give.

It's costing about €500 - €600 each to attend this wedding as there is only flights once a week at the time of the year, that's not including travel in ireland to airport, outfits etc.

It is just the two of us attending but already attending is costing more than I would spend on a holiday per year. Bear in mind I'm 24 so not a lot of surplus income .

My bf asked his mom about a gift and the guide she gave was €500 - €600 between us. I can't afford this and it seems outlandish to me considering the cost of attending the wedding.

What would people suggest would be a reasonable gift for this circumstance? Bearing in mind her and her soon hubby are well off as are the parents so expectations are high, they already think I'm cheap because I can't afford the 5* hotel they have all booked.

Thanks

**MOD NOTE**
We all know that gift related threads tend to get a bit out of hand, so I'll post a warning here - please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP. Soapboxing, cattiness, argumentativeness etc will not be tolerated. Please see the Charter for more info. There will be no further warnings about this.

GingerLily · 09-03-2017 03:16PM

For destination weddings there really shouldn't be an expectation of anything other then a token gift, 50e max.
I would also say that it's not up to you to pay half of his siblings wedding present, your not engaged and you shouldn't be really asked to contribute any more then you would usually for a wedding - she's not your sibling and you can't afford it. You need to tell your partner that.

His family sound awful and their attitude to money would be a massive turn off to me.

XxMCRxBabyxX · 09-03-2017 03:20PM

I asked here before about a gift for a wedding abroad (although it was my cousin in that case) and I was advised that €100 as a couple was plenty so €500/€600 is totally excessive IMO, even if the wedding was at home! Is your boyfriend wealthy or are you both on a similar budget? Could he cover more?

BetsyEllen · 09-03-2017 03:23PM

Jesus, €500-600 for a wedding gift?! No matter your age, that is insane and the Mother is living with her head in the clouds.

As GingerLily has pointed out, you're not really responsible for providing half the gift here anyway.

How is your boyfriend feeling about it, is he agreeing that €500-€600 is acceptable and asking you for half?

A token gift is definitely all I'd be giving.
I really do think though that when people are having guests spend so much money on travel and accommodation, it should be made very clear that no gifts are wanted.

I'd also think about how you're being treated here by the family, seriously bad for the Mother to suggest that kind of cost and to make you feel cheap for not being able to afford a 5* hotel. I'm 30, work full time with a good job and a 5* hotel for a week in Portugal would be a big stretch for me also.

witchgirl26 · 09-03-2017 03:52PM

Oh my god that amount for a present is ridiculous! I didn't give that to my own sister last year and hers wasn't a destination wedding at all! I spent about €200 in total on her. My other half contributed another bout €75 and we've been together 5 years! For friends we split the gift amount equally but I didn't think it was fair to ask him for half of what I was giving a sibling.

Ignore about them thinking you're cheap. I wouldn't be paying a huge amount for a hotel and I'm 8 years older! Sure do they expect you to be on mad good money at that age?! Nutters. If they're that worried about having you in that hotel, they can foot the bill!

Toots · 09-03-2017 07:12PM

OP first of all, his mother is way out of line telling ye that a gift of that size is appropriate. It's generally accepted that with destination weddings, there's more expense on the guests, and therefore couples often tell people not to give gifts, or only to give tokens.

How long are ye going out? I remember my hubby's brother got married when we were going out about a year. He was working full time and I was still in school, so I was concerned about how I'd afford a gift with limited income, but he didn't expect me to contribute - he'd planned to get them a voucher and just put both our names on the card. In the end I gave €50 towards it because I felt bad that he was paying for the whole gift, plus a night in the hotel (wedding in Ireland but hotel was too far not to stay overnight)

I think your BF's family are being very unfair expecting you to shoulder such a massive expense - 5* hotel plus very large wedding gift. I think that given how much it is already costing you, €100 between ye would be very generous. What does your BF think of all this? How is he fixed financially?

eviltwin · 09-03-2017 08:21PM

Jesus wtf is wrong with people, that's an insane amount for any wedding let alone one you are having to pay to travel too.

Give what you can afford and if the cost of the wedding means you have nothing else to hand over don't give a gift. My husbands family all travelled here for our wedding and we made a point of having a no gifts policy, we couldn't expect that people who went to the trouble of taking holidays for our event and who spent money on flights getting here would then be further out of pocket. They had already given enough imo.

Only give what you can afford to, you shouldn't be in debt just to attend a wedding. His family should understand if they have any sense and decency.

pwurple · 09-03-2017 08:26PM

Completely excessive.

As someone who got married in Ireland, no couple gave us that amount.

I would think destination weddings are even less.

09-03-2017 10:19PM

If you can afford €100 I think you're doing fine.

Your bf can cover the rest, up to whatever he thinks is appropriate.

clint_silver · 10-03-2017 01:24AM

I hate giving cash unless I know the couple are stuck and generally this would be known beforehand. It doesnt sound like thats the case here so why give cash at all? A personal gift would me much more appreciated.
I still go back to my office fan story Ive mentioned here a few times before. Me and missus silver got lots of the regular 100-150e presents when we got married, all very welcome. someone gave me an office fan. an old neighbour. We laughed at it at the time. Put it in the attic with a couple of picture frame things we got. Took it out 13 years later during a hot summer and was never so glad of something in my life. Had an awakening moment. I remember that gift more than any other gift anyone ever gave me. Id say the thing cost no more than 20 quid at the time.

Not advocating you get them a fan but if you do get them something you think they might find useful in their lives, it doesnt have to be cash and certinaly not worth 500+

Toots · 10-03-2017 01:46AM

Just wondering OP, is the sister the first one in the family to get married and are they a particularly wealthy family?

SarahMollie · 10-03-2017 11:44AM

Completely excessive.

I don't know if his mother is completely out of touch with reality or what was her motivation in suggesting such a ridiculous sum to two young people, who are already spending plenty to attend.

You are totally justified in objecting to this.

El_Duderino 09 · 10-03-2017 12:39PM

SarahMollie wrote:

I don't know if his mother is completely out of touch with reality or what was her motivation in suggesting such a ridiculous sum to two young people, who are already spending plenty to attend.

The mother is probably listening to how much it's costing the coupke to get married. They probably need 500 bucks from each couple who are attending to cover the cost of their extravagant wedding/holiday and have a few thousand left over for themselves.

In any case, I wouldn't feel the slightest bit obliged to play along with their fantasy

10-03-2017 02:31PM

yvonne.joy.3 wrote: »

My bf asked his mom about a gift and the guide she gave was €500 - €600 between us.

"Grand sweetheart. Here's €50 from me, I'll leave you to decide how much you want to give. Love yooouuuuuuu".

tiredblondie · 10-03-2017 05:50PM

I gave 200euro to my sister for her wedding which was abroad too - spent over a grand on going, not including spending money so 200euro was more than plenty!

yvonne.joy.3 · 10-03-2017 07:47PM

Toots wrote: »

Just wondering OP, is the sister the first one in the family to get married and are they a particularly wealthy family?

Yes she is the first, there is only the two of them. And yes the sister and her fiance as well as the parents are well to do.

I had the convo with my O/H last night and he agreed to me only contributing what I can, which after the cost of attending I don't think much.

Although he is not well off only part time work he is going to find the money to make up the rest as he believes it is a perfectly reasonable amount.

And we have agreed on accommodation that there is a max that I can afford to spend and it's not budging from that as I'm not putting myself into debt for attending a wedding.

I just needed to check that I wasn't being unreasonable and thank you all for your very helpful responses

El_Duderino 09 · 11-03-2017 08:48PM

yvonne.joy.3 wrote:

I had the convo with my O/H last night and he agreed to me only contributing what I can, which after the cost of attending I don't think much.

Jaysus you don't need to put yourself on austerity beans on toast for the rest of the year. If out have to save up for a couple of months to go to the wedding in the first place, then I'd consider myself to have given enough.

Lots of people think their wedding is as important to you as the is to them. Far from putting yourself in debt, you need to draw a line under the cost of the wedding

Mrs OBumble · 11-03-2017 08:58PM

yvonne.joy.3 wrote: »

Although he is not well off only part time work he is going to find the money to make up the rest as he believes it is a perfectly reasonable amount.

I dunno ... but if it was me, I'd be thinking about upgrading to a more economical BF. This one's going to be troublesome in the long term.

__Alex__ · 11-03-2017 09:05PM

yvonne.joy.3 wrote: »

Yes she is the first, there is only the two of them. And yes the sister and her fiance as well as the parents are well to do.

I had the convo with my O/H last night and he agreed to me only contributing what I can, which after the cost of attending I don't think much.

Although he is not well off only part time work he is going to find the money to make up the rest as he believes it is a perfectly reasonable amount.

And we have agreed on accommodation that there is a max that I can afford to spend and it's not budging from that as I'm not putting myself into debt for attending a wedding.

I just needed to check that I wasn't being unreasonable and thank you all for your very helpful responses

Good job, OP!

arayess · 12-03-2017 11:38AM

when a wedding is abroad I would have always been under the impression that my presence was the gift.

12-03-2017 08:11PM

Contrary to some here I'd see 500-600 as being a very reasonable gift to give a sibling. I've known people to give 1k to siblings and I myself would be giving 200 (as a couple) at a normal wedding and 300 if I'm grooms man or gf bridesmaid.

However I would not think the op should be giving half in this instance even if she was much longer going out with her bf, he should be giving the bulk of the present.

As an aside myself and my gf decided a few years ago with approx 20 wedding ahead of us that the fairest way to work it is who's ever friend/family member is getting married they give the full present for that wedding rather than splitting it. As we have a lot of weddings on both sides it works well and means there is no debate over amounts.

El_Duderino 09 · 12-03-2017 10:31PM

Jazlynn Wrong Barmaid wrote:

Contrary to some here I'd see 500-600 as being a very reasonable gift to give a sibling. I've known people to give 1k to siblings and I myself would be giving 200 (as a couple) at a normal wedding and 300 if I'm grooms man or gf bridesmaid.

Doesn't it depend an what the Individual can afford?

So if you can afford 600 or 1000 that's fair enough. But doesn't it depend on whatâ€‹ the OP can afford in this case and the op said they can't afford that much, so...

Rhinohippo · 14-03-2017 07:35PM

It's you bf's sister's wedding. It's your bf who should be giving the gift to HIS sister. You are HIS guest at the wedding. If you are paying for your own flights etc., then he should be giving the gift to HIS sister. Let him give what he wants.

retro:electro · 20-03-2017 02:41AM

Me and my boyfriend have a rule that whosever side the occasion is on, that sibling will give the money. He covers his family and I cover mine. For a wedding I've never given more than €250 and that's as bridesmaid to my sister.
We go halves on nieces and nephews bdays.
Are you sure this is the kind of family you want to be getting involved with? They sound like a nightmare. I reckon this wedding abroad will be an eye opener for you.

Rhinohippo · 20-03-2017 02:42PM

anna080 wrote: »

Me and my boyfriend have a rule that whosever side the occasion is on, that sibling will give the money. He covers his family and I cover mine. For a wedding I've never given more than €250 and that's as bridesmaid to my sister.
We go halves on nieces and nephews bdays.
Are you sure this is the kind of family you want to be getting involved with? They sound like a nightmare. I reckon this wedding abroad will be an eye opener for you.

Totally agree with this.

ballsymchugh · 20-03-2017 03:02PM

as an aside, what would happen if you got someone who is well off and has high standards €500 worth of lidl vouchers?

Rhinohippo · 20-03-2017 07:15PM

ballsymchugh wrote: »

as an aside, what would happen if you got someone who is well off and has high standards €500 worth of lidl vouchers?

Presume they could give the vouchers to their cleaning staff:):):):)... lol

Milly33 · 21-03-2017 01:16PM

It should not really be a matter or if they are well off or not, ye or them. it is what ye can afford to give and certainly €200 between two is loads...

21-03-2017 03:07PM

200 euro between two is pretty much the standard for any wedding you would go to, I don't think its near enough for a sibling.

SarahMollie · 21-03-2017 03:11PM

Linda Loose Peon wrote: »

200 euro between two is pretty much the standard for any wedding you would go to, I don't think its near enough for a sibling.

But like, whats to point though. If you give them €500, then they'll probably give you €500 when the time comes, so it all works out at zero.

For a sibling, I think I'd be more likely to give them the €200 standard gift and then add to it with something more personal where the exact cost is less clear.

retro:electro · 21-03-2017 03:14PM

My sibling would never in a million years accept €500 from me. That's just madness. Anything over €300 is excessive, no matter who the person is

Wedding gift help (MOD WARNING IN POST #1)

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