Wedding gift help (MOD WARNING IN POST #1)

yvonne.joy.3

Okay so my bf's sister is getting married in Portugal this year. It's our first wedding together and having trouble with what to give.

It's costing about €500 - €600 each to attend this wedding as there is only flights once a week at the time of the year, that's not including travel in ireland to airport, outfits etc.

It is just the two of us attending but already attending is costing more than I would spend on a holiday per year. Bear in mind I'm 24 so not a lot of surplus income .

My bf asked his mom about a gift and the guide she gave was €500 - €600 between us. I can't afford this and it seems outlandish to me considering the cost of attending the wedding.

What would people suggest would be a reasonable gift for this circumstance? Bearing in mind her and her soon hubby are well off as are the parents so expectations are high, they already think I'm cheap because I can't afford the 5* hotel they have all booked.

Thanks

**MOD NOTE**
We all know that gift related threads tend to get a bit out of hand, so I'll post a warning here - please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP. Soapboxing, cattiness, argumentativeness etc will not be tolerated. Please see the Charter for more info. There will be no further warnings about this.

GingerLily

For destination weddings there really shouldn't be an expectation of anything other then a token gift, 50e max.
I would also say that it's not up to you to pay half of his siblings wedding present, your not engaged and you shouldn't be really asked to contribute any more then you would usually for a wedding - she's not your sibling and you can't afford it. You need to tell your partner that.

His family sound awful and their attitude to money would be a massive turn off to me.

XxMCRxBabyxX

I asked here before about a gift for a wedding abroad (although it was my cousin in that case) and I was advised that €100 as a couple was plenty so €500/€600 is totally excessive IMO, even if the wedding was at home! Is your boyfriend wealthy or are you both on a similar budget? Could he cover more?

BetsyEllen

Jesus, €500-600 for a wedding gift?! No matter your age, that is insane and the Mother is living with her head in the clouds.

As GingerLily has pointed out, you're not really responsible for providing half the gift here anyway.

How is your boyfriend feeling about it, is he agreeing that €500-€600 is acceptable and asking you for half?

A token gift is definitely all I'd be giving.
I really do think though that when people are having guests spend so much money on travel and accommodation, it should be made very clear that no gifts are wanted.

I'd also think about how you're being treated here by the family, seriously bad for the Mother to suggest that kind of cost and to make you feel cheap for not being able to afford a 5* hotel. I'm 30, work full time with a good job and a 5* hotel for a week in Portugal would be a big stretch for me also.

witchgirl26

Oh my god that amount for a present is ridiculous! I didn't give that to my own sister last year and hers wasn't a destination wedding at all! I spent about €200 in total on her. My other half contributed another bout €75 and we've been together 5 years! For friends we split the gift amount equally but I didn't think it was fair to ask him for half of what I was giving a sibling.

Ignore about them thinking you're cheap. I wouldn't be paying a huge amount for a hotel and I'm 8 years older! Sure do they expect you to be on mad good money at that age?! Nutters. If they're that worried about having you in that hotel, they can foot the bill!

Toots

OP first of all, his mother is way out of line telling ye that a gift of that size is appropriate. It's generally accepted that with destination weddings, there's more expense on the guests, and therefore couples often tell people not to give gifts, or only to give tokens.

How long are ye going out? I remember my hubby's brother got married when we were going out about a year. He was working full time and I was still in school, so I was concerned about how I'd afford a gift with limited income, but he didn't expect me to contribute - he'd planned to get them a voucher and just put both our names on the card. In the end I gave €50 towards it because I felt bad that he was paying for the whole gift, plus a night in the hotel (wedding in Ireland but hotel was too far not to stay overnight)

I think your BF's family are being very unfair expecting you to shoulder such a massive expense - 5* hotel plus very large wedding gift. I think that given how much it is already costing you, €100 between ye would be very generous. What does your BF think of all this? How is he fixed financially?

eviltwin

Jesus wtf is wrong with people, that's an insane amount for any wedding let alone one you are having to pay to travel too.

Give what you can afford and if the cost of the wedding means you have nothing else to hand over don't give a gift. My husbands family all travelled here for our wedding and we made a point of having a no gifts policy, we couldn't expect that people who went to the trouble of taking holidays for our event and who spent money on flights getting here would then be further out of pocket. They had already given enough imo.

Only give what you can afford to, you shouldn't be in debt just to attend a wedding. His family should understand if they have any sense and decency.

pwurple

Completely excessive.

As someone who got married in Ireland, no couple gave us that amount.

I would think destination weddings are even less.

If you can afford €100 I think you're doing fine.

Your bf can cover the rest, up to whatever he thinks is appropriate.

clint_silver

I hate giving cash unless I know the couple are stuck and generally this would be known beforehand. It doesnt sound like thats the case here so why give cash at all? A personal gift would me much more appreciated.
I still go back to my office fan story Ive mentioned here a few times before. Me and missus silver got lots of the regular 100-150e presents when we got married, all very welcome. someone gave me an office fan. an old neighbour. We laughed at it at the time. Put it in the attic with a couple of picture frame things we got. Took it out 13 years later during a hot summer and was never so glad of something in my life. Had an awakening moment. I remember that gift more than any other gift anyone ever gave me. Id say the thing cost no more than 20 quid at the time.

Not advocating you get them a fan but if you do get them something you think they might find useful in their lives, it doesnt have to be cash and certinaly not worth 500+

Toots

Just wondering OP, is the sister the first one in the family to get married and are they a particularly wealthy family?

SarahMollie

Completely excessive.

I don't know if his mother is completely out of touch with reality or what was her motivation in suggesting such a ridiculous sum to two young people, who are already spending plenty to attend.

You are totally justified in objecting to this.

El_Duderino 09

SarahMollie wrote:

I don't know if his mother is completely out of touch with reality or what was her motivation in suggesting such a ridiculous sum to two young people, who are already spending plenty to attend.

The mother is probably listening to how much it's costing the coupke to get married. They probably need 500 bucks from each couple who are attending to cover the cost of their extravagant wedding/holiday and have a few thousand left over for themselves.

In any case, I wouldn't feel the slightest bit obliged to play along with their fantasy

yvonne.joy.3

yvonne.joy.3 wrote: »

My bf asked his mom about a gift and the guide she gave was €500 - €600 between us.

"Grand sweetheart. Here's €50 from me, I'll leave you to decide how much you want to give. Love yooouuuuuuu".

tiredblondie

I gave 200euro to my sister for her wedding which was abroad too - spent over a grand on going, not including spending money so 200euro was more than plenty!

yvonne.joy.3

Toots wrote: »

Just wondering OP, is the sister the first one in the family to get married and are they a particularly wealthy family?

Yes she is the first, there is only the two of them. And yes the sister and her fiance as well as the parents are well to do.

I had the convo with my O/H last night and he agreed to me only contributing what I can, which after the cost of attending I don't think much.

Although he is not well off only part time work he is going to find the money to make up the rest as he believes it is a perfectly reasonable amount.

And we have agreed on accommodation that there is a max that I can afford to spend and it's not budging from that as I'm not putting myself into debt for attending a wedding.

I just needed to check that I wasn't being unreasonable and thank you all for your very helpful responses

El_Duderino 09

yvonne.joy.3 wrote:

I had the convo with my O/H last night and he agreed to me only contributing what I can, which after the cost of attending I don't think much.

Jaysus you don't need to put yourself on austerity beans on toast for the rest of the year. If out have to save up for a couple of months to go to the wedding in the first place, then I'd consider myself to have given enough.

Lots of people think their wedding is as important to you as the is to them. Far from putting yourself in debt, you need to draw a line under the cost of the wedding

Mrs OBumble

yvonne.joy.3 wrote: »

Although he is not well off only part time work he is going to find the money to make up the rest as he believes it is a perfectly reasonable amount.

I dunno ... but if it was me, I'd be thinking about upgrading to a more economical BF. This one's going to be troublesome in the long term.

__Alex__

yvonne.joy.3 wrote: »

Yes she is the first, there is only the two of them. And yes the sister and her fiance as well as the parents are well to do.

I had the convo with my O/H last night and he agreed to me only contributing what I can, which after the cost of attending I don't think much.

Although he is not well off only part time work he is going to find the money to make up the rest as he believes it is a perfectly reasonable amount.

And we have agreed on accommodation that there is a max that I can afford to spend and it's not budging from that as I'm not putting myself into debt for attending a wedding.

I just needed to check that I wasn't being unreasonable and thank you all for your very helpful responses

Good job, OP!

arayess

when a wedding is abroad I would have always been under the impression that my presence was the gift.

Contrary to some here I'd see 500-600 as being a very reasonable gift to give a sibling. I've known people to give 1k to siblings and I myself would be giving 200 (as a couple) at a normal wedding and 300 if I'm grooms man or gf bridesmaid.

However I would not think the op should be giving half in this instance even if she was much longer going out with her bf, he should be giving the bulk of the present.

As an aside myself and my gf decided a few years ago with approx 20 wedding ahead of us that the fairest way to work it is who's ever friend/family member is getting married they give the full present for that wedding rather than splitting it. As we have a lot of weddings on both sides it works well and means there is no debate over amounts.

El_Duderino 09

Jazlynn Wrong Barmaid wrote:

Contrary to some here I'd see 500-600 as being a very reasonable gift to give a sibling. I've known people to give 1k to siblings and I myself would be giving 200 (as a couple) at a normal wedding and 300 if I'm grooms man or gf bridesmaid.

Doesn't it depend an what the Individual can afford?

So if you can afford 600 or 1000 that's fair enough. But doesn't it depend on what​ the OP can afford in this case and the op said they can't afford that much, so...

Rhinohippo

It's you bf's sister's wedding. It's your bf who should be giving the gift to HIS sister. You are HIS guest at the wedding. If you are paying for your own flights etc., then he should be giving the gift to HIS sister. Let him give what he wants.

retro:electro

Me and my boyfriend have a rule that whosever side the occasion is on, that sibling will give the money. He covers his family and I cover mine. For a wedding I've never given more than €250 and that's as bridesmaid to my sister.
We go halves on nieces and nephews bdays.
Are you sure this is the kind of family you want to be getting involved with? They sound like a nightmare. I reckon this wedding abroad will be an eye opener for you.

Rhinohippo

anna080 wrote: »

Me and my boyfriend have a rule that whosever side the occasion is on, that sibling will give the money. He covers his family and I cover mine. For a wedding I've never given more than €250 and that's as bridesmaid to my sister.
We go halves on nieces and nephews bdays.
Are you sure this is the kind of family you want to be getting involved with? They sound like a nightmare. I reckon this wedding abroad will be an eye opener for you.

Totally agree with this.

ballsymchugh

as an aside, what would happen if you got someone who is well off and has high standards €500 worth of lidl vouchers?

Rhinohippo

ballsymchugh wrote: »

as an aside, what would happen if you got someone who is well off and has high standards €500 worth of lidl vouchers?

Presume they could give the vouchers to their cleaning staff:):):):)... lol

Milly33

It should not really be a matter or if they are well off or not, ye or them. it is what ye can afford to give and certainly €200 between two is loads...

200 euro between two is pretty much the standard for any wedding you would go to, I don't think its near enough for a sibling.

SarahMollie

Linda Loose Peon wrote: »

200 euro between two is pretty much the standard for any wedding you would go to, I don't think its near enough for a sibling.

But like, whats to point though. If you give them €500, then they'll probably give you €500 when the time comes, so it all works out at zero.

For a sibling, I think I'd be more likely to give them the €200 standard gift and then add to it with something more personal where the exact cost is less clear.

retro:electro

My sibling would never in a million years accept €500 from me. That's just madness. Anything over €300 is excessive, no matter who the person is

Milly33

This is the kinda stuff that drives people going to weddings and those having weddings mad.. Stop thinking so much about silly things like this

El_Duderino 09

Jazlynn Wrong Barmaid wrote:

200 euro between two is pretty much the standard for any wedding you would go to, I don't think its near enough for a sibling.

Does how much the OP can afford factor into it at all for you or is it purely about what you personally can afford?

anna080

anna080 wrote: »

Eh, the op has said she can't afford what the MIL is suggesting (500-600). I thought that much was clear.

The bulk of the present should be from the OPs bf in this instance as they aren't together very long. Even if they were a long term couple/married I'd still be inclined to say a bigger contribution should come from the person who's sibling it is.

Toots

Linda Loose Peon wrote: »

The bulk of the present should be from the OPs bf in this instance as they aren't together very long. Even if they were a long term couple/married I'd still be inclined to say a bigger contribution should come from the person who's sibling it is.

Even though it's already costing them a fortune to attend the wedding?

hotmatottie10

If it was me, I would go and get some flute glasses and get their name engraved on it. It's personal and classy and won't break the bank. If you want to give them cash then 150 -200 is more than plenty considering its a destination wedding.

Toots

Toots wrote: »

Even though it's already costing them a fortune to attend the wedding?

I was gooms man for a wedding abroad last year, it was an expensive trip (flights alone are almost 300) but I still gave a present of 300 euro as that's what I feel is right. For a sibling I'd be giving more even if it was on the moon.

GingerLily

Linda Loose Peon wrote: »

Toots wrote: »

Even though it's already costing them a fortune to attend the wedding?

I was gooms man for a wedding abroad last year, it was an expensive trip (flights alone are almost 300) but I still gave a present of 300 euro as that's what I feel is right. For a sibling I'd be giving more even if it was on the moon.

You seem to be on your own with this one!

GingerLily

GingerLily wrote: »

You seem to be on your own with this one!

Maybe in this thread but far from it in reality.

XxMCRxBabyxX

Linda Loose Peon wrote: »

Maybe in this thread but far from it in reality.

Your reality has a lot more disposable income than mine does!

_Brian

One of my brothers got married two years ago and another later this year. We gave them both €500, few months before the wedding to help with the expenses.
It's a big enough gift but my dad is deceased and my mum as a pensioner isn't in much of a position to help out. I was bestman for the first and will be groomsman for the second.

It's a sizeable sum of money to us but doing it a few months before the wedding suits us too, spacing out costs etc.

I would agree with what others have said about destination weddings, €100 would be enough after the expense of going to the wedding.

__Alex__

Linda Loose Peon wrote: »

Maybe in this thread but far from it in reality.

Nope, slap bang in the middle of reality. I didn't give extra as a bridesmaid. Being asked to be part of the wedding party doesn't mean that one can afford to give a bigger gift so it shouldn't be an expectation. As well as this, bridesmaids and groomsmen do a lot to help the marrying couple, both on the day and beforehand, so I'm at a loss as to why they would give a bigger gift on top of that.

And from my experience, €200 isn't really the couple "going rate". It's more like €150. When I got married, most couples gave us €150, including aunts and uncles, cousins and siblings. And a lot of my relations have plenty of money so financial situation wasn't the issue. We were delighted with those gifts. There is no need to be throwing around money, and as Sarah Mollie said, it's more like a loan if you have to give someone the amount they gave you. What's the point?

I just hate the idea of someone being judged as stingy for the amount they give as a wedding gift. To judge someone for that is to lose sight of what the day is about.

John_Rambo

It's getting expensive to attend a wedding. Most of the ones I go to are fairly modest, €100 in a card if I'm on my own or €150 to €200 if I'm with my wife.

I do enjoy them. Nice way to meet new people and I'm quiet social, so mostly enjoyable.

My own marriage (a while ago now) was fairly simple. Humanist, under 100 family and friends, no bling, excellent locally sourced food, good wine (foodie family with a good few in the industry), good music and excellent company. No fancy mock-vintage cars, helicopters or horse drawn carriages. We drove our own car from the ceremony to the reception. There was no plan to recoup the cost of the event that we saved for.

Different micro cultures have different practices in Ireland. Some are simply obscene and flashy with cash donations to outdo or match peers. Silly nouveau riche stuff to be honest, but that's ok, whatever you're in to.

In the event of not attending a wedding (which is happening a lot lately) we would send a voucher for a top end fine dining restaurant. It would usually cover two courses for the couple without the wine. But it's certainly cheaper than attending nowadays. Feedback has always been positive!

Milly33

Someone is talking sense, spot on __Alex__... Wedding are serioulsy driving people crazy theses days.. Keep it simple, ye were invited do ye want to go yes or no! Then sort gift how much can ye afford to give!! then go and dont worry about

Rhinohippo

People seem to lose the plot when it comes to weddings. Not sure how the OP's relationship is but this could be a good test. OP's BF should be giving the wedding gift to his sibling and his girlfriend (the OP) is HIS guest at the wedding. She should not be expected to be giving a gift.