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My Husband Disgusts Me

  • 21-03-2017 12:03AM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    My husband went away on a stag recently. They went to a lap dancing club and he got 2 private dances. He came home and told me, because he saw no reason to keep it to himself. He told me that he just wanted someone young and sexy to give him a dance and that the first one was so good that he decided to have a second one.
    Since he got back, he is just constantly in the mood for sex and is constantly trying to touch me. I am the wrong side of 35, not young or sexy anymore.
    I feel physically sick when he is near me. I feel so uncomfortable when he is watching me. I have avoided being undressed or any form of intimacy with him since he got back. I can't stand the idea of him comparing them to me and I don't know what happened in that club. He is so happy with himself, but I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I feel sick. I never expected this sort of behavior from him.
    I don't know what to do.


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Comments

  • #2
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,460 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    You have every right to feel that way you do, he's cheated on you and to make it worse he paid for it to happen. He's not the person you thought he was and that should ring alarm bells.
    I couldn't have a relationship with someone who cheats or someone who sees women as sexual commodities to be bought and sold.
    Im sure if this situation was the other way around and you had been paying male strippers to perform sexual acts in front of you he wouldnt be to happy about it.

    Can you take a break from each other? can one of you move out for a week or two so you can have some head space and decide what you want to do? Maybe couples counseling could be something worth looking into.


  • #3
    Cupcake_Crisis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21,448 ✭✭✭✭Cupcake_Crisis


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    You have every right to feel that way you do, he's cheated on you and to make it worse he paid for it to happen. He's not the person you thought he was and that should ring alarm bells.
    I couldn't have a relationship with someone who cheats or someone who sees women as sexual commodities to be bought and sold.
    Im sure if this situation was the other way around and you had been paying male strippers to perform sexual acts in front of you he wouldnt be to happy about it.

    Can you take a break from each other? can one of you move out for a week or two so you can have some head space and decide what you want to do? Maybe couples counseling could be something worth looking into.

    Hold on.... no he didn't cheat. Op, he may have crossed a line but he didn't cheat on you.

    I can completely see where you are coming from op, and I feel for you. Is this a conversation you have had where he would explicitly know that this was such a hard no for you. A lot of women wouldn't mind this, could it have been plain niaveity on his part?

    Have you talked to him about it at all? Have you explained how you feel and why you feel that way?


  • #4
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,460 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »
    Hold on.... no he didn't cheat. Op, he may have crossed a line but he didn't cheat on you.

    If he allowed a woman who he wasnt paying to give him a lapdance, would you consider that cheating? where do you draw the line?


  • #5
    topmanamillion
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,522 ✭✭✭topmanamillion


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    If he allowed a woman who he wasnt paying to give him a lapdance, would you consider that cheating? where do you draw the line?

    Completely different issue.
    I can guarantee you he didn't lay a hand on either of those strippers or 2 or 3 burly guys wouldn't have been long giving him the bums rush.

    OP you need to communicate with your husband. He`s most likely in the mind-set that you don't mind where he gets his motor running as long as he parks at home.
    Tell him that this has upset you and why this is the case.
    I think his openness to tell you all about the strippers hints at a naivety on his part about the whole thing.


  • #6
    Cupcake_Crisis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21,448 ✭✭✭✭Cupcake_Crisis


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    If he allowed a woman who he wasnt paying to give him a lapdance, would you consider that cheating? where do you draw the line?

    That's a completely different situation. These girls were strippers in a strip club , he wouldn't have been allowed to even touch them. Granted it was a sexualised situation, There was no sexual contact.


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  • #7
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 11,195 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Did your husband disgust you before this?

    It seems a big jump for a one off (and pretty common tbh) incident.

    "I'm furious at my husband" i could understand, "my husband disgusts me"........Incredibly strong language


  • #8
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,460 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »
    That's a completely different situation. These girls were strippers in a strip club , he wouldn't have been allowed to even touch them. Granted it was a sexualised situation, There was no sexual contact.

    Thats not the point, everyone has different perspectives and opinions about what constitutes as cheating, paying a stripper for a lapdance is as good as cheating in my book, the OP is obviously hurt over this and ive seen 20 year marriages end over the husband seeing strippers. Some people are fine with it but people can be fine with lots of things, every relationship is different, clearly in OP's relationship it's not fine and she shouldnt have to accept that from him because 'he wasn't allowed to touch them'.


  • #9
    Cupcake_Crisis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21,448 ✭✭✭✭Cupcake_Crisis


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    Thats not the point, everyone has different perspectives and opinions about what constitutes as cheating, paying a stripper for a lapdance is as good as cheating in my book, the OP is obviously hurt over this and ive seen 20 year marriages end over the husband seeing strippers. Some people are fine with it but people can be fine with lots of things, every relationship is different, clearly in OP's relationship it's not fine and she shouldnt have to accept that from him because 'he wasn't allowed to touch them'.

    But do you not think that if it was such an extreme no for the op that it would have come up in conversation before?

    You're right in that she shouldn't have to accept it from him if she feels that strongly about it, but he didn't know she would react this negatively to it. There's a communication issue here.


  • #10
    sasta le
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,586 ✭✭✭sasta le


    He was honest with you and told you.Its got him frisky around you is that so bad?


  • #11
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,460 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »
    But do you not think that if it was such an extreme no for the op that it would have come up in conversation before?

    You're right in that she shouldn't have to accept it from him if she feels that strongly about it, but he didn't know she would react this negatively to it. There's a communication issue here.

    Its never come up in any of my relationships either, the conversation just never arose, not from lack of communication, neither of us thought to bring it up. Why would her partner just assume she was fine with him going to a stripper? It seems like he could have communicated with her before the stag that they'd be going to strip clubs, she said herself she didnt know he was like that. The point is though, she's now left feeling insecure and betrayed by someone she thought she knew inside out. He should have been the one to initiate that conversation with her if he planned to go pay for strippers.


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  • #12
    tomwaterford
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,768 ✭✭✭✭tomwaterford


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    Its never come up in any of my relationships either, the conversation just never arose, not from lack of communication, neither of us thought to bring it up. Why would her partner just assume she was fine with him going to a stripper? It seems like he could have communicated with her before the stag that they'd be going to strip clubs, she said herself she didnt know he was like that. The point is though, she's now left feeling insecure and betrayed by someone she thought she knew inside out. He should have been the one to initiate that conversation with her if he planned to go pay for strippers.

    Surly it's to be anticipated abit to happen at stag parties?....visiting strip clubs??


    Its quite a leap to equate it with cheating though???
    It's not like he was hiring strippers to call out during lunch to work?


  • #13
    Cupcake_Crisis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21,448 ✭✭✭✭Cupcake_Crisis


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    Its never come up in any of my relationships either, the conversation just never arose, not from lack of communication, neither of us thought to bring it up. Why would her partner just assume she was fine with him going to a stripper? It seems like he could have communicated with her before the stag that they'd be going to strip clubs, she said herself she didnt know he was like that. The point is though, she's now left feeling insecure and betrayed by someone she thought she knew inside out. He should have been the one to initiate that conversation with her if he planned to go pay for strippers.

    Why would he just assume she wasn't?

    If my partner was going on a stag I'd ask if they were planning on going to a strip club, because often they are. If I felt that repulsed by the idea I'd have made it VERY clear before he left.

    And did he not initiate the conversation by telling her in the first place? The op has just basically been ignoring him since to avoid the conversation.


  • #14
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,460 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    tomwaterford wrote: »
    Surly it's to be anticipated abit to happen at stag parties?....visiting strip clubs??


    Its quite a leap to equate it with cheating though???
    It's not like he was hiring strippers to call out during lunch to work?


    Is it? maybe she trusted her partner and thought she knew him well enough that he wouldnt be inclined to visit strip clubs and maybe she felt he respected her a bit more than that. Obviously she hadnt anticipated it and that doesnt make what he did ok.

    Whats the difference between hiring strippers on your lunch break and going to see them a club? Im missing your point here.

    Besides that he went twice because he just couldnt get enough and then continued to undermine OP by telling her he just wanted something young and sexy, what a nasty insensitive comment to make to his faithful partner who's been sitting at home while he's been out getting lapdances off strippers. Its really sleazy and it shows that her partner has total lack of respect for her and women in general I feel.


  • #15
    WellThen?
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 358 ✭✭WellThen?


    Husband going to strip club wouldn't really bother me. It is not cheating at all.

    What would bother me is saying how much he liked it and had a second one. Id feel a bit of a stomach drop if he came home and said that. Just like if he was commenting on a hot waiter in my presence, i think that's rude and hurtful. Men should keep their mouths shut and save that info for the lads.

    Your confidence has taken a nock. That's not nice. Maybe say it to him. Him disgusting you is probably because you're angry and keep picturing it.


  • #16
    tomwaterford
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,768 ✭✭✭✭tomwaterford


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    Is it? maybe she trusted her partner and thought she knew him well enough that he wouldnt be inclined to visit strip clubs and maybe she felt he respected her a bit more than that. Obviously she hadnt anticipated it and that doesnt make what he did ok.

    Whats the difference between hiring strippers on your lunch break and going to see them a club? Im missing your point here.

    Besides that he went twice because he just couldnt get enough and then continued to undermine OP by telling her he just wanted something young and sexy, what a nasty insensitive comment to make to his faithful partner who's been sitting at home while he's been out getting lapdances off strippers. Its really sleazy and it shows that her partner has total lack of respect for her and women in general I feel.

    Most likely if it wasn't his first visit to a stripper club (assuming he's on the age range for stag parties?)....these things are par the course for a stag party....much like strippers are for hen parties??



    The difference being....it's not something he's making a habit of/doing everyday...just brought along in a group scenario

    (He's hardly likely to sit outside...while everyone else gone in????)



    TBF the comment was at best, very insensitive alright


  • #17
    sibeen99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 256 ✭✭sibeen99


    OP I can understand that you might be feeling a bit disappointed and angry with your husband but I do think you are overreacting also. He didn't try to hide it from you and now he is trying to be intimate with you but you don't even want him to touch you. That seems a bit severe to me.

    You also say that you are the wrong side of 35 and not young or sexy. OP I'm the wrong side of 35 but when I'm dressed up and feeling good about myself I like to think I'm as good and as sexy as any young one. Maybe you could treat yourself to a day of pampering?!

    I do think you should try talking to your husband. We don't know what your relationship was like before the stag but now you don't even want to talk to him. Tell him how you feel.


  • #18
    Hooked
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,945 ✭✭✭Hooked


    It's different for every couple.

    My wife wouldn't give a fiddlers if I got a lap dance. Honestly. It's expected on a stag. Not that I would... It's 'fake' attention from a woman you've paid. I can't see how men enjoy it.

    Porn is a big deal to some. Not to us. Is either cheating? Again, depends on the couple.

    Should I be offended that my wife was all over me ONLY after reading 50 shades of shîte? Or after watching porn? Fact is some men/women get 'handsy' after such things. It gets us/them warmed up...

    While he was insensitive, and prob a bit thick in his choice of words... He was honest. A little too honest.

    Is it cheating? Depends on you.

    Seems ye need to have a long chat, draw the line, let him know where you stand. Albeit a little too late.

    Is it worth ending a marraige over. No, not in my opinion.


  • #19
    murphyebass
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,545 ✭✭✭murphyebass


    This thread really needs a pole.

    Am I right ?!

    ... I'll get my coat


  • #20
    gramar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,045 ✭✭✭✭gramar


    He was away on a stag. Not like he went of his own accord. Getting a lapdance may have been a bit of pressure from mates or maybe he had had a few drinks and just fancied it. Nothing really wrong there but it's ok to be annoyed.

    What I find odd is not that he'd tell you about the lapdance but that he liked the first one so much he went back for more! Way too much info there about something that he sees as entirely innocent but that is likely to make you feel uncomfortable.


  • #21
    redfox123
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 208 ✭✭redfox123


    There seems to be massive communication issues between you and your husband. How, how does he not know your feelings on strip clubs? You're married! I presume you talk? How does he not know his advancements are sickening you?? I just can't picture it. Like, is he that clueless that you're clearly disgusted by him and his actions and he's still going around all happy and still trying it with you again and again?
    Either he completely doesn't know you and can't read you, or this is some sort of punishment and the result of resentment built up between you and he knows it's hurting you. I hope not but could this be true? Did he say those things to hurt you/pressure you to have sex and to compete or something?? Has your sex life been sorely lacking and now he is saying look, this is what I had to do because we do nothing and I should be able to do what I like if you're not interested in me. There's a weird smug vibe I'm getting from him going around like a cheshire cat, while youre hurting, it's almost vindictive and like see I don't need you to get my kicks. I don't know maybe I'm missing something. Had things been great before he did this?


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  • #22
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,645 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Ah loads of people excusing the husband's behaviour as usual. Sure boys will be boys blah blah blah.

    For the record my husband's friends do not frequent strip clubs - on their stags they've gone camping, on distillery tours, paint balling etc. and for food/pints. Not all men do this kind of crap. Many men are uncomfortable with the sex industry. If you think I am naïve you're welcome to think that but I know these men twenty years and we've been through it all together.

    The sexual exploitation of these women is not a separate issue if you expect women generally to have no problem with it.

    OP it sounds like you two need a long frank conversation. In your shoes I would be angry, hurt and yes, disgusted. You need to discuss your boundaries and expectations and ask yourselves how you can move forward from this.


  • #23
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,974 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Are you going to end your marriage with him because of this? If not then all you can do is talk to him. It's irrelevant whether some here think it's cheating or some think it's not. It's irrelevant whether others would be disgusted and some not. Don't tell him what others think, tell him what you think. If you start saying well x, y and z said they'd be disgusted he could tell you that a, b and c are fine with it.

    Keep it to you and relevant to your relationship. It doesn't sound like he intended to hurt you. And it's not like he has come home and decided this is where he is going to get his kicks from now on and has started visiting clubs here. Your body won't be the same as a 20 somethings. That's just life! But he is still interested IN YOU. If he wasn't interested in you he would be ignoring you, favouring to go to lapdancing clubs or exclusively watching porn.

    He was honest with you, if a little too honest. He is still attracted to you and wants sex with you. Surely that's healthy for a married couple. How is your sex life in general?

    Talk to him, without blaming or attacking or backing up your feelings with internet evidence! Talk to him. Tell him how it made you feel. Tell him how insecure you now feel. Tell him how you are afraid he now just wants young fit bodies. Let him reassure you. But he can't reassure you if you are 'disgusted' by him and won't let him near you.

    That, or walk away from your marriage because it has no future now.


  • #24
    Tokyo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,655 ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Mod:

    murphyebass: as per the forum charter, if you can't post constructively towards to OP's issue, then don't post at all. Further comments like that will earn an infraction or ban from the PI forum.


  • #25
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,510 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    There's a few comments in your OP that make me wonder if we've lost a bit of context here. You say that you're the "wrong side" of 35 and not "young and sexy" anymore. How has your sex life been before this incident? Because if your own body insecurities have led you to reject your husband for intimacy, then there's another layer to this. I've been in your husbands shoes in a similar scenario and it's probably the most soul crushing thing I have experienced. If it is the case, then I can totally understand him wanting the attention of other women. Even if it's paid for. It's a way to "prove" that you're still attractive. And if that is the case then you could argue that he did it in a very responsible way. He didn't flirt with other women in a bar, he didn't kiss or sleep with someone else. Him telling you about it is, to me as someone who's been in a sexless relationship, a way to show you he's unhappy. Not the most mature way of doing it perhaps but none of us are perfect.

    And like someone else says, is it really any different to you reading 50 Shades and getting turned on, or even watching a sexy scene or two in a movie? Doesn't even have to be a porn movie. You paid for both experiences. His is arguably no different.


  • #26
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,460 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    baby and crumble wrote: »
    There's a few comments in your OP that make me wonder if we've lost a bit of context here. You say that you're the "wrong side" of 35 and not "young and sexy" anymore. How has your sex life been before this incident? Because if your own body insecurities have led you to reject your husband for intimacy, then there's another layer to this. I've been in your husbands shoes in a similar scenario and it's probably the most soul crushing thing I have experienced. If it is the case, then I can totally understand him wanting the attention of other women. Even if it's paid for. It's a way to "prove" that you're still attractive. And if that is the case then you could argue that he did I in a very responsible way. He didn't flirt with other women in a bar, he didn't kiss or sleep with someone else. Him telling you about it is, to me as someone who's been in a sexless relationship, a way to show you he's unhappy. Not the most mature way of doing it perhaps but none of us are perfect.

    And like someone else says, is it really any different to you ready 50 Shades and getting turned on, or even watching a sexy scene or two in a move? Doesn't even have to be a porn movie. You paid for both experiences. His is arguably no different.

    Youre making assumptions about her relationships and pulling scenarios out of thin air while blaming her for this whole situation as she 'probably wasnt giving her partner enough attention' Seriously??

    Then you have the audacity to tell her she should be grateful that he only got lapdances and didnt sleep with someone else.

    Watching porn, a sex scene or reading a book about sex is entirely different to paying a woman (who probably doesnt even want to be there) to take off her clothes and stick her tits and ass in your face in some sleazy club. He then went home and told her how great it was. I really cant see how the OP is the bad one here and in anyway deserving of that treatment from her partner.


  • #27
    Mr McBoatface
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,579 ✭✭✭Mr McBoatface


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    Youre making assumptions about her relationships and pulling scenarios out of thin air while blaming her for this whole situation as she 'probably wasnt giving her partner enough attention' Seriously??

    Then you have the audacity to tell her she should be grateful that he only got lapdances and didnt sleep with someone else.

    Watching porn, a sex scene or reading a book about sex is entirely different to paying a woman (who probably doesnt even want to be there) to take off her clothes and stick her tits and ass in your face in some sleazy club. He then went home and told her how great it was. I really cant see how the OP is the bad one here and in anyway deserving of that treatment from her partner.

    You have issues, get some help.


  • #28
    2012paddy2012
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,880 ✭✭✭2012paddy2012


    Serious over reaction here. I'd be concerned if he didn't tell you ..
    You should be delighted he was honest.
    Get over yourself and enjoy all the extra attention....( I think my missus is " wonder woman" on certain occassions) no issues!


  • #29
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    I mean, we don't give out if women go to a Chippendales show as a group (and in that case, with male strippers, if they get pulled up on stage there's a LOT more touching etc), so why is it seen differently if men go see female strippers? That's reverse sexism: implying that men are sex-craving rabid dogs who can't separate a bit of a laugh from depravity, whereas women are capable of rubbing baby oil on a young stud and just doing it as a bit of craic. It's the same thing.

    I've gotta agree with the consensus here that his biggest crime was being too honest. But, in saying that, it also shows his intentions were at least innocent and that he clearly had no idea it would upset you this much. I don't see it as cheating at all (if you found out he'd been doing it for months on the quiet, though, different story). But I also see why you're upset OP. If I was you, I'd tell him how it made you feel (not yelling) and let him off the hook after this passes.

    Also...if you talk to him, go easy on the dramatic turns of phrases. You're going from 0 to 10 with the "my husband disgusts me" dramatics. That sort of permanent comment doesn't help anything and seems like its designed to make him feel as low as you feel, only in your case if you were to say it it'd be worse than what he's done because you're doing it to deliberately make him feel low. Explain how you feel. Tell him so he understands, not to hurt him back, we've no indication he's a bad guy so the guilt and empathy will probably hurt him enough when he understands and ensure he never does anything like this again.


  • #30
    BetsyEllen
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,360 ✭✭✭BetsyEllen


    I think you're hugely over reacting OP.
    I see no difference between a guy going to a strip club and watching porn.
    If it's me he wants after it, I really wouldn't be too bothered.

    He was very insensitive to say he wanted to watch someone 'young and sexy' yes but it doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive. In fact he clearly does as he keeps touching you etc.

    I would imagine there were issues in your marriage/sex life long before this as it's unusual to just suddenly find someone disgusting.


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  • #31
    murphyebass
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,545 ✭✭✭murphyebass


    mike_ie wrote: »
    Mod:

    murphyebass: as per the forum charter, if you can't post constructively towards to OP's issue, then don't post at all. Further comments like that will earn an infraction or ban from the PI forum.

    Ah come on was a gentle jibe.

    Anyway in all seriousness I think a pole would be useful here.

    My own two cents as a bloke I think there's lads who do this and lads who don't.

    I think it's pointless personally. I'd rather go to the bar next door while the others do this crap. I've only once had the issue arise and that's what I did. Actually twice now I think about it but anyway some men are into it and others aren't. But also some women don't mind it and some do which is also fine.

    Talk to him is the only answer here though.

    Oh ps there's a lot of men who do a lot worse on these stags and who aren't honest with their partner. He was honest at least. Maybe a bit thick in the way he told you but at least he did


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