My Husband Disgusts Me

LegacyUser

My husband went away on a stag recently. They went to a lap dancing club and he got 2 private dances. He came home and told me, because he saw no reason to keep it to himself. He told me that he just wanted someone young and sexy to give him a dance and that the first one was so good that he decided to have a second one.
Since he got back, he is just constantly in the mood for sex and is constantly trying to touch me. I am the wrong side of 35, not young or sexy anymore.
I feel physically sick when he is near me. I feel so uncomfortable when he is watching me. I have avoided being undressed or any form of intimacy with him since he got back. I can't stand the idea of him comparing them to me and I don't know what happened in that club. He is so happy with himself, but I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I feel sick. I never expected this sort of behavior from him.
I don't know what to do.

Airyfairy12

You have every right to feel that way you do, he's cheated on you and to make it worse he paid for it to happen. He's not the person you thought he was and that should ring alarm bells.
I couldn't have a relationship with someone who cheats or someone who sees women as sexual commodities to be bought and sold.
Im sure if this situation was the other way around and you had been paying male strippers to perform sexual acts in front of you he wouldnt be to happy about it.

Can you take a break from each other? can one of you move out for a week or two so you can have some head space and decide what you want to do? Maybe couples counseling could be something worth looking into.

Cupcake_Crisis

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

You have every right to feel that way you do, he's cheated on you and to make it worse he paid for it to happen. He's not the person you thought he was and that should ring alarm bells.
I couldn't have a relationship with someone who cheats or someone who sees women as sexual commodities to be bought and sold.
Im sure if this situation was the other way around and you had been paying male strippers to perform sexual acts in front of you he wouldnt be to happy about it.

Can you take a break from each other? can one of you move out for a week or two so you can have some head space and decide what you want to do? Maybe couples counseling could be something worth looking into.

Hold on.... no he didn't cheat. Op, he may have crossed a line but he didn't cheat on you.

I can completely see where you are coming from op, and I feel for you. Is this a conversation you have had where he would explicitly know that this was such a hard no for you. A lot of women wouldn't mind this, could it have been plain niaveity on his part?

Have you talked to him about it at all? Have you explained how you feel and why you feel that way?

Airyfairy12

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Hold on.... no he didn't cheat. Op, he may have crossed a line but he didn't cheat on you.

If he allowed a woman who he wasnt paying to give him a lapdance, would you consider that cheating? where do you draw the line?

topmanamillion

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

If he allowed a woman who he wasnt paying to give him a lapdance, would you consider that cheating? where do you draw the line?

Completely different issue.
I can guarantee you he didn't lay a hand on either of those strippers or 2 or 3 burly guys wouldn't have been long giving him the bums rush.

OP you need to communicate with your husband. He`s most likely in the mind-set that you don't mind where he gets his motor running as long as he parks at home.
Tell him that this has upset you and why this is the case.
I think his openness to tell you all about the strippers hints at a naivety on his part about the whole thing.

Cupcake_Crisis

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

If he allowed a woman who he wasnt paying to give him a lapdance, would you consider that cheating? where do you draw the line?

That's a completely different situation. These girls were strippers in a strip club , he wouldn't have been allowed to even touch them. Granted it was a sexualised situation, There was no sexual contact.

Did your husband disgust you before this?

It seems a big jump for a one off (and pretty common tbh) incident.

"I'm furious at my husband" i could understand, "my husband disgusts me"........Incredibly strong language

Airyfairy12

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

That's a completely different situation. These girls were strippers in a strip club , he wouldn't have been allowed to even touch them. Granted it was a sexualised situation, There was no sexual contact.

Thats not the point, everyone has different perspectives and opinions about what constitutes as cheating, paying a stripper for a lapdance is as good as cheating in my book, the OP is obviously hurt over this and ive seen 20 year marriages end over the husband seeing strippers. Some people are fine with it but people can be fine with lots of things, every relationship is different, clearly in OP's relationship it's not fine and she shouldnt have to accept that from him because 'he wasn't allowed to touch them'.

Cupcake_Crisis

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Thats not the point, everyone has different perspectives and opinions about what constitutes as cheating, paying a stripper for a lapdance is as good as cheating in my book, the OP is obviously hurt over this and ive seen 20 year marriages end over the husband seeing strippers. Some people are fine with it but people can be fine with lots of things, every relationship is different, clearly in OP's relationship it's not fine and she shouldnt have to accept that from him because 'he wasn't allowed to touch them'.

But do you not think that if it was such an extreme no for the op that it would have come up in conversation before?

You're right in that she shouldn't have to accept it from him if she feels that strongly about it, but he didn't know she would react this negatively to it. There's a communication issue here.

sasta le

He was honest with you and told you.Its got him frisky around you is that so bad?

Airyfairy12

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

But do you not think that if it was such an extreme no for the op that it would have come up in conversation before?

You're right in that she shouldn't have to accept it from him if she feels that strongly about it, but he didn't know she would react this negatively to it. There's a communication issue here.

Its never come up in any of my relationships either, the conversation just never arose, not from lack of communication, neither of us thought to bring it up. Why would her partner just assume she was fine with him going to a stripper? It seems like he could have communicated with her before the stag that they'd be going to strip clubs, she said herself she didnt know he was like that. The point is though, she's now left feeling insecure and betrayed by someone she thought she knew inside out. He should have been the one to initiate that conversation with her if he planned to go pay for strippers.

tomwaterford

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Its never come up in any of my relationships either, the conversation just never arose, not from lack of communication, neither of us thought to bring it up. Why would her partner just assume she was fine with him going to a stripper? It seems like he could have communicated with her before the stag that they'd be going to strip clubs, she said herself she didnt know he was like that. The point is though, she's now left feeling insecure and betrayed by someone she thought she knew inside out. He should have been the one to initiate that conversation with her if he planned to go pay for strippers.

Surly it's to be anticipated abit to happen at stag parties?....visiting strip clubs??


Its quite a leap to equate it with cheating though???
It's not like he was hiring strippers to call out during lunch to work?

Cupcake_Crisis

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Its never come up in any of my relationships either, the conversation just never arose, not from lack of communication, neither of us thought to bring it up. Why would her partner just assume she was fine with him going to a stripper? It seems like he could have communicated with her before the stag that they'd be going to strip clubs, she said herself she didnt know he was like that. The point is though, she's now left feeling insecure and betrayed by someone she thought she knew inside out. He should have been the one to initiate that conversation with her if he planned to go pay for strippers.

Why would he just assume she wasn't?

If my partner was going on a stag I'd ask if they were planning on going to a strip club, because often they are. If I felt that repulsed by the idea I'd have made it VERY clear before he left.

And did he not initiate the conversation by telling her in the first place? The op has just basically been ignoring him since to avoid the conversation.

Airyfairy12

tomwaterford wrote: »

Surly it's to be anticipated abit to happen at stag parties?....visiting strip clubs??


Its quite a leap to equate it with cheating though???
It's not like he was hiring strippers to call out during lunch to work?

Is it? maybe she trusted her partner and thought she knew him well enough that he wouldnt be inclined to visit strip clubs and maybe she felt he respected her a bit more than that. Obviously she hadnt anticipated it and that doesnt make what he did ok.

Whats the difference between hiring strippers on your lunch break and going to see them a club? Im missing your point here.

Besides that he went twice because he just couldnt get enough and then continued to undermine OP by telling her he just wanted something young and sexy, what a nasty insensitive comment to make to his faithful partner who's been sitting at home while he's been out getting lapdances off strippers. Its really sleazy and it shows that her partner has total lack of respect for her and women in general I feel.

WellThen?

Husband going to strip club wouldn't really bother me. It is not cheating at all.

What would bother me is saying how much he liked it and had a second one. Id feel a bit of a stomach drop if he came home and said that. Just like if he was commenting on a hot waiter in my presence, i think that's rude and hurtful. Men should keep their mouths shut and save that info for the lads.

Your confidence has taken a nock. That's not nice. Maybe say it to him. Him disgusting you is probably because you're angry and keep picturing it.

tomwaterford

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Is it? maybe she trusted her partner and thought she knew him well enough that he wouldnt be inclined to visit strip clubs and maybe she felt he respected her a bit more than that. Obviously she hadnt anticipated it and that doesnt make what he did ok.

Whats the difference between hiring strippers on your lunch break and going to see them a club? Im missing your point here.

Besides that he went twice because he just couldnt get enough and then continued to undermine OP by telling her he just wanted something young and sexy, what a nasty insensitive comment to make to his faithful partner who's been sitting at home while he's been out getting lapdances off strippers. Its really sleazy and it shows that her partner has total lack of respect for her and women in general I feel.

Most likely if it wasn't his first visit to a stripper club (assuming he's on the age range for stag parties?)....these things are par the course for a stag party....much like strippers are for hen parties??



The difference being....it's not something he's making a habit of/doing everyday...just brought along in a group scenario

(He's hardly likely to sit outside...while everyone else gone in????)



TBF the comment was at best, very insensitive alright

sibeen99

OP I can understand that you might be feeling a bit disappointed and angry with your husband but I do think you are overreacting also. He didn't try to hide it from you and now he is trying to be intimate with you but you don't even want him to touch you. That seems a bit severe to me.

You also say that you are the wrong side of 35 and not young or sexy. OP I'm the wrong side of 35 but when I'm dressed up and feeling good about myself I like to think I'm as good and as sexy as any young one. Maybe you could treat yourself to a day of pampering?!

I do think you should try talking to your husband. We don't know what your relationship was like before the stag but now you don't even want to talk to him. Tell him how you feel.

Hooked

It's different for every couple.

My wife wouldn't give a fiddlers if I got a lap dance. Honestly. It's expected on a stag. Not that I would... It's 'fake' attention from a woman you've paid. I can't see how men enjoy it.

Porn is a big deal to some. Not to us. Is either cheating? Again, depends on the couple.

Should I be offended that my wife was all over me ONLY after reading 50 shades of shîte? Or after watching porn? Fact is some men/women get 'handsy' after such things. It gets us/them warmed up...

While he was insensitive, and prob a bit thick in his choice of words... He was honest. A little too honest.

Is it cheating? Depends on you.

Seems ye need to have a long chat, draw the line, let him know where you stand. Albeit a little too late.

Is it worth ending a marraige over. No, not in my opinion.

murphyebass

This thread really needs a pole.

Am I right ?!

... I'll get my coat

gramar

He was away on a stag. Not like he went of his own accord. Getting a lapdance may have been a bit of pressure from mates or maybe he had had a few drinks and just fancied it. Nothing really wrong there but it's ok to be annoyed.

What I find odd is not that he'd tell you about the lapdance but that he liked the first one so much he went back for more! Way too much info there about something that he sees as entirely innocent but that is likely to make you feel uncomfortable.

redfox123

There seems to be massive communication issues between you and your husband. How, how does he not know your feelings on strip clubs? You're married! I presume you talk? How does he not know his advancements are sickening you?? I just can't picture it. Like, is he that clueless that you're clearly disgusted by him and his actions and he's still going around all happy and still trying it with you again and again?
Either he completely doesn't know you and can't read you, or this is some sort of punishment and the result of resentment built up between you and he knows it's hurting you. I hope not but could this be true? Did he say those things to hurt you/pressure you to have sex and to compete or something?? Has your sex life been sorely lacking and now he is saying look, this is what I had to do because we do nothing and I should be able to do what I like if you're not interested in me. There's a weird smug vibe I'm getting from him going around like a cheshire cat, while youre hurting, it's almost vindictive and like see I don't need you to get my kicks. I don't know maybe I'm missing something. Had things been great before he did this?

Ah loads of people excusing the husband's behaviour as usual. Sure boys will be boys blah blah blah.

For the record my husband's friends do not frequent strip clubs - on their stags they've gone camping, on distillery tours, paint balling etc. and for food/pints. Not all men do this kind of crap. Many men are uncomfortable with the sex industry. If you think I am naïve you're welcome to think that but I know these men twenty years and we've been through it all together.

The sexual exploitation of these women is not a separate issue if you expect women generally to have no problem with it.

OP it sounds like you two need a long frank conversation. In your shoes I would be angry, hurt and yes, disgusted. You need to discuss your boundaries and expectations and ask yourselves how you can move forward from this.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you going to end your marriage with him because of this? If not then all you can do is talk to him. It's irrelevant whether some here think it's cheating or some think it's not. It's irrelevant whether others would be disgusted and some not. Don't tell him what others think, tell him what you think. If you start saying well x, y and z said they'd be disgusted he could tell you that a, b and c are fine with it.

Keep it to you and relevant to your relationship. It doesn't sound like he intended to hurt you. And it's not like he has come home and decided this is where he is going to get his kicks from now on and has started visiting clubs here. Your body won't be the same as a 20 somethings. That's just life! But he is still interested IN YOU. If he wasn't interested in you he would be ignoring you, favouring to go to lapdancing clubs or exclusively watching porn.

He was honest with you, if a little too honest. He is still attracted to you and wants sex with you. Surely that's healthy for a married couple. How is your sex life in general?

Talk to him, without blaming or attacking or backing up your feelings with internet evidence! Talk to him. Tell him how it made you feel. Tell him how insecure you now feel. Tell him how you are afraid he now just wants young fit bodies. Let him reassure you. But he can't reassure you if you are 'disgusted' by him and won't let him near you.

That, or walk away from your marriage because it has no future now.

Tokyo

Mod:

murphyebass: as per the forum charter, if you can't post constructively towards to OP's issue, then don't post at all. Further comments like that will earn an infraction or ban from the PI forum.

baby and crumble

There's a few comments in your OP that make me wonder if we've lost a bit of context here. You say that you're the "wrong side" of 35 and not "young and sexy" anymore. How has your sex life been before this incident? Because if your own body insecurities have led you to reject your husband for intimacy, then there's another layer to this. I've been in your husbands shoes in a similar scenario and it's probably the most soul crushing thing I have experienced. If it is the case, then I can totally understand him wanting the attention of other women. Even if it's paid for. It's a way to "prove" that you're still attractive. And if that is the case then you could argue that he did it in a very responsible way. He didn't flirt with other women in a bar, he didn't kiss or sleep with someone else. Him telling you about it is, to me as someone who's been in a sexless relationship, a way to show you he's unhappy. Not the most mature way of doing it perhaps but none of us are perfect.

And like someone else says, is it really any different to you reading 50 Shades and getting turned on, or even watching a sexy scene or two in a movie? Doesn't even have to be a porn movie. You paid for both experiences. His is arguably no different.

Airyfairy12

baby and crumble wrote: »

There's a few comments in your OP that make me wonder if we've lost a bit of context here. You say that you're the "wrong side" of 35 and not "young and sexy" anymore. How has your sex life been before this incident? Because if your own body insecurities have led you to reject your husband for intimacy, then there's another layer to this. I've been in your husbands shoes in a similar scenario and it's probably the most soul crushing thing I have experienced. If it is the case, then I can totally understand him wanting the attention of other women. Even if it's paid for. It's a way to "prove" that you're still attractive. And if that is the case then you could argue that he did I in a very responsible way. He didn't flirt with other women in a bar, he didn't kiss or sleep with someone else. Him telling you about it is, to me as someone who's been in a sexless relationship, a way to show you he's unhappy. Not the most mature way of doing it perhaps but none of us are perfect.

And like someone else says, is it really any different to you ready 50 Shades and getting turned on, or even watching a sexy scene or two in a move? Doesn't even have to be a porn movie. You paid for both experiences. His is arguably no different.

Youre making assumptions about her relationships and pulling scenarios out of thin air while blaming her for this whole situation as she 'probably wasnt giving her partner enough attention' Seriously??

Then you have the audacity to tell her she should be grateful that he only got lapdances and didnt sleep with someone else.

Watching porn, a sex scene or reading a book about sex is entirely different to paying a woman (who probably doesnt even want to be there) to take off her clothes and stick her tits and ass in your face in some sleazy club. He then went home and told her how great it was. I really cant see how the OP is the bad one here and in anyway deserving of that treatment from her partner.

Mr McBoatface

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Youre making assumptions about her relationships and pulling scenarios out of thin air while blaming her for this whole situation as she 'probably wasnt giving her partner enough attention' Seriously??

Then you have the audacity to tell her she should be grateful that he only got lapdances and didnt sleep with someone else.

Watching porn, a sex scene or reading a book about sex is entirely different to paying a woman (who probably doesnt even want to be there) to take off her clothes and stick her tits and ass in your face in some sleazy club. He then went home and told her how great it was. I really cant see how the OP is the bad one here and in anyway deserving of that treatment from her partner.

You have issues, get some help.

2012paddy2012

Serious over reaction here. I'd be concerned if he didn't tell you ..
You should be delighted he was honest.
Get over yourself and enjoy all the extra attention....( I think my missus is " wonder woman" on certain occassions) no issues!

leggo

I mean, we don't give out if women go to a Chippendales show as a group (and in that case, with male strippers, if they get pulled up on stage there's a LOT more touching etc), so why is it seen differently if men go see female strippers? That's reverse sexism: implying that men are sex-craving rabid dogs who can't separate a bit of a laugh from depravity, whereas women are capable of rubbing baby oil on a young stud and just doing it as a bit of craic. It's the same thing.

I've gotta agree with the consensus here that his biggest crime was being too honest. But, in saying that, it also shows his intentions were at least innocent and that he clearly had no idea it would upset you this much. I don't see it as cheating at all (if you found out he'd been doing it for months on the quiet, though, different story). But I also see why you're upset OP. If I was you, I'd tell him how it made you feel (not yelling) and let him off the hook after this passes.

Also...if you talk to him, go easy on the dramatic turns of phrases. You're going from 0 to 10 with the "my husband disgusts me" dramatics. That sort of permanent comment doesn't help anything and seems like its designed to make him feel as low as you feel, only in your case if you were to say it it'd be worse than what he's done because you're doing it to deliberately make him feel low. Explain how you feel. Tell him so he understands, not to hurt him back, we've no indication he's a bad guy so the guilt and empathy will probably hurt him enough when he understands and ensure he never does anything like this again.

BetsyEllen

I think you're hugely over reacting OP.
I see no difference between a guy going to a strip club and watching porn.
If it's me he wants after it, I really wouldn't be too bothered.

He was very insensitive to say he wanted to watch someone 'young and sexy' yes but it doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive. In fact he clearly does as he keeps touching you etc.

I would imagine there were issues in your marriage/sex life long before this as it's unusual to just suddenly find someone disgusting.

murphyebass

mike_ie wrote: »

Mod:

murphyebass: as per the forum charter, if you can't post constructively towards to OP's issue, then don't post at all. Further comments like that will earn an infraction or ban from the PI forum.

Ah come on was a gentle jibe.

Anyway in all seriousness I think a pole would be useful here.

My own two cents as a bloke I think there's lads who do this and lads who don't.

I think it's pointless personally. I'd rather go to the bar next door while the others do this crap. I've only once had the issue arise and that's what I did. Actually twice now I think about it but anyway some men are into it and others aren't. But also some women don't mind it and some do which is also fine.

Talk to him is the only answer here though.

Oh ps there's a lot of men who do a lot worse on these stags and who aren't honest with their partner. He was honest at least. Maybe a bit thick in the way he told you but at least he did

baby and crumble

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Youre making assumptions about her relationships and pulling scenarios out of thin air while blaming her for this whole situation as she 'probably wasnt giving her partner enough attention' Seriously??

No, I'm simply providing another viewpoint. I asked a question. A valid question, informed by my own personal experience- not out of "thin air". No need to jump down my throat.

And please don't put quotation marks around something I NEVER said in my post. There's a big difference between rejecting the person you love sexually and not giving someone enough attention.

Big Bag of Chips

AiryFairy, it helps the OP to get differing viewpoints. It's the beauty of posting online, very rarely will you get 100% agreement. The OP is upset and there is now a problem in her marriage, that I'm sure she'd like resolved. Shouting down posters who disagree with your opinion on it is offering absolutely nothing to the OP. This isn't a 2 week relationship. This is a marriage. That we assume the OP is interested in saving. So advice on how to talk through this and move past it, and maybe perhaps looking into the relationship to see are there other issues that either are not happy about seems to be sound and practical advice.

If there are no other issues in the marriage, then fantastic, it should make getting past this much easier. If there are, then now is the time for them both to start addressing things.

We've been given a few lines of text. Often posters replying will veer on a tangent to offer opinion on what might be happening elsewhere. Posters posting online will often hear things that aren't relevant to their situation but might be someone else's experience. So they ignore it and move on. If their sex life was full and healthy before the stag, then baby and crumble's post won't be relevant and OP can just ignore it. If their sex life maybe wasn't great, then it's something for them both to now look at as a couple.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Yes, I discussed it with him before he went. He knows my feelings and assured me that he had no interest. I have known him for 20 years.

There is a difference in my mind between being in one and getting dances. For the record, the first one was a sitting lapdance and the second one was a bed one. If you think that I know this voluntarily, you are wrong. We did discuss it.

It matters to me that his sleazy mind is picturing someone else while he is touching me. His almost first request when he got home was for me to 'dance' for him.

As for our sex life, we used to have sex on average twice a week. I never thought too much about my body, but clearly I am not young and now I know that I am not sexy in his eyes.

I am not dramatic or overreactive. If anything, I am too calm. I can't seem to get beyond it.

woodchuck

OP for what it's worth, I don't think you're overreacting at all.

People seem to be normalising the behaviour because it happened in the context of a stag party.
- Firstly, not all stags involve strip clubs.
- Secondly, even if they do, he decided himself to have two private lap dances!!

As for posters being shocked that he didn't know your opinion on strip clubs... how does this come up in regular conversation? The only time it might come up is when he was talking about going on the stag. But even then, the onus should be on him to tell you it's on the cards, not for you to ask (see above; I would never assume a stag will include a trip to a strip club). People seem to be giving your husband a pat on the back for being up front about it with you afterwards. Yeah... it's very easy to say it afterwards and act like it's the most normal thing in the world. Personally I'd be wondering why he didn't mention it ahead of time - he probably knew you'd be against it!

Not to mention he was an absolute d1ck the way he was talking about wanting attention from someone young and sexy.

I would be fuming if I was you OP!!!

Tokyo

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Youre making assumptions about her relationships and pulling scenarios out of thin air while blaming her for this whole situation as she 'probably wasnt giving her partner enough attention' Seriously??

Then you have the audacity to tell her she should be grateful that he only got lapdances and didnt sleep with someone else.

Mod:

Airyfairy12 - one of the fundamental purposes of the PI/RI forum is that posters can come here to get other (sometimes differing and polarising) points of view. While you are within your rights not to agree with something posted here, I'd like you to consider that other posters view on the situation are equally valid as your own, before posting such a response here again.

Dial Hard

Husband Disgusts me wrote:

As for our sex life, we used to have sex on average twice a week. I never thought too much about my body, but clearly I am not young and now I know that I am not sexy in his eyes.

Used to up til when though? Til you found out about this or did it stop ages ago?

I think the context is important here. You comment earlier that he keeps "pestering" you for sex was somewhat telling.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

Used to up til when though? Til you found out about this or did it stop ages ago?

I think the context is important here. You comment earlier that he keeps "pestering" you for sex was somewhat telling.

This was before. He used to be different, gentle and affectionate. Now, he is crude, grabbing me and asking me to 'dance' and to perform. Believe it or not, this repulses me.

I feel like I have gone from an equal sexually to something to satisfy his needs. He is persistently sexual now. That seems to be where his head is.

woodchuck

Husband Disgusts me wrote: »

Yes, I discussed it with him before he went. He knows my feelings and assured me that he had no interest. I have known him for 20 years.

So he knew how you felt and did it anyway. Does he have any sort of legitimate excuse for his behaviour or offer an apology of any kind??

J Mysterio

Mystery Egg wrote: »

The sexual exploitation of these women is not a separate issue if you expect women generally to have no problem with it.

Although i'm sure some are, many of these women are not sexually exploited, they choose to do it. Look at the current escort AMA for case in point.

dudara

Posters - please, let's not get into the moral rights and wrongs of sex workers or adult entertainers. Please focus on helping the OP.

dudara

leggo

Okay OP, let me play devil's advocate on some things just for the purposes of trying to help you and your marriage.

Husband Disgusts me wrote: »

Yes, I discussed it with him before he went. He knows my feelings and assured me that he had no interest. I have known him for 20 years.

You say "He knows my feelings." But what are they exactly, as communicated to him at the time? Did you say "You're not to go get any private lapdances!" or was it more general in saying, "I think those places are disgusting carry on" and he's like "Yeah, I know, they wouldn't be for me either..." Because perhaps if you were passive-aggressive about it and only said things in generalities, he may not have seen it as something that would actually upset you. In fact, the evidence would suggest that in that he came home and openly told you. I doubt he'd have done that if he clearly knew he would upset you.

There is a difference in my mind between being in one and getting dances.

Right, so now it starts to get confusing.

I was with a girl who was quite sensitive and insecure about this kind of stuff (not that I'd do it myself) and, from experience, the most draining thing was that she'd move the goalposts regularly after the fact, almost like she was trying to be offended and making the rules up as she went along to blame me for her insecurities. So she'd say one thing, then another thing would happen, then she'd blow a gasket at me for assuming I knew how she felt, when she only felt this way after the thing happened. And I explained to her before that if she constantly moved the goalposts to the point that I don't know what is and isn't acceptable to her anymore, eventually I'm just not going to respect her line at all because I'd be afraid to do anything for fear of upsetting her, and that's not reasonable on me.

You said above that he knows your feelings on lapdancing clubs. But then you said that it's okay to go into a club but not get a private dance. So, technically, while you're explaining it to me here and now...I don't know your feelings on the matter as they seem to contradict each other. And it seems like the trip switch is your insecurities about yourself, which seem volatile, like anything can set them off. So the general rule you're looking for him to abide by is, "Don't make me feel insecure," yet what does that seems to change within the context of one post here! So perhaps don't rely solely on him to make you feel secure within yourself.

It matters to me that his sleazy mind is picturing someone else while he is touching me. His almost first request when he got home was for me to 'dance' for him.

I totally get that. Don't get me wrong here: the one thing I'm not questioning is your feelings about what happened, and I'm absolutely not saying you should pretend to be happy and have sex at his request. But also you shouldn't rely on and punish him for when you feel insecure if he hasn't done anything horribly wrong.

I am not dramatic or overreactive.

You say that, but you've also said that your husband "disgusts you" (quite a dramatic leap if you hadn't had problems before this), and then you say this...

As for our sex life, we used to have sex on average twice a week. I never thought too much about my body, but clearly I am not young and now I know that I am not sexy in his eyes.

"I am not young and now I know I am not sexy in his eyes."

And yet he still wants to have sex with you...

...do you see why 'knowing you're not sexy in his eyes' can be construed as dramatic with the evidence at hand, especially when coupled with the above quote? Nobody thinks of themselves as dramatic, and yet some people are.

Again, I'm NOT saying your base feelings about this are wrong, but the conclusions you're leaping to as a result of them are WAY off-kilter given the facts...and VERY dramatic! I'm telling you this to try and get you to recognise that and also recognise some base facts:

• Your husband did not mean to try and hurt you, else he wouldn't have been so honest and oblivious to how this would upset you.
• Just because he finds other people attractive doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive anymore. We ALL find other people attractive, even when we're committed to someone, it's natural and doesn't mean we don't love our partners.
• The fact that he still wants to have sex with you and recreate the experience with you indicates he IS still attracted to you, else he simply wouldn't do that.
• Our partners can't be responsible for holding our entire self-esteem within their hands. That's too much pressure to put on someone else's shoulders. Happiness in ourselves has to come from within. We can't punish others when we don't feel happy, else we're just setting ourselves up for inevitable disappointment.

J Mysterio

dudara wrote: »

Posters - please, let's not get into the moral rights and wrongs of sex workers or adult entertainers. Please focus on helping the OP.

dudara

I think the 'moral rights and wrongs' is part of what has the OP 'disgusted' at her husband. Seems it should be very much part of the conversation

please do not discuss mod warnings on thread. If you have an issue with a mod warning then PM them
Thanks

LegacyUser

No, he knows very well how I feel about lapdancing clubs. I never said that I was ok with any of it, I know that he knew that. I do feel though that going into one is one thing but getting a private dance is another followed by a repeat visit and dance is another. One is a betrayal but the following stuff just ****s all over me.

No, the fact that he wants to have sex with me now does nothing for me. To be explicit, it used to be about mutual pleasure but now he wants to see me perform before 'he sticks his cock in me'. Does that sound attractive? It sounds repulsive to me. Nothing about that makes me feel good.

My ego and self esteem isn't his problem until he hurts me so that it is no longer in a place to satisfy him.

I have movedno goal posts. He told me that he thought that I wouldn't mind because I am not insecure about myself. Yeah, I am not young or my body isn't hot anymore but I knew that and was ok with it is his defence.

Neyite

Husband Disgusts me wrote: »

No, he knows very well how I feel about lapdancing clubs. I never said that I was ok with any of it, I know that he knew that. I do feel though that going into one is one thing but getting a private dance is another followed by a repeat visit and dance is another. One is a betrayal but the following stuff just ****s all over me.

No, the fact that he wants to have sex with me now does nothing for me. To be explicit, it used to be about mutual pleasure but now he wants to see me perform before 'he sticks his cock in me'. Does that sound attractive? It sounds repulsive to me. Nothing about that makes me feel good.

My ego and self esteem isn't his problem until he hurts me so that it is no longer in a place to satisfy him.

I have movedno goal posts. He told me that he thought that I wouldn't mind because I am not insecure about myself. Yeah, I am not young or my body isn't hot anymore but I knew that and was ok with it is his defence.

Irrespective of the situation - what a person considers to be a deal-breaker is their own business. It could be smoking, lap dances or just leaving the toilet seat up. But in a relationship, we set out for our partners what are deal breakers and what aren't. When we commit to someone we expect that they are mindful of our deal-breakers and vice versa.

Two key things stand out in this situation:
He knew it was something you'd consider a deal-breaker and did it anyway, and he has brought it into your sex life and expecting it to change - expecting you to change- to match the obviously exciting experience he found it. He's asking you to do certain acts that you dislike such as dance for him or talk dirty. And nobody should be expected to or forced to do things in bed that they find uncomfortable. That's not just a deal breaker, that's a serious goalpost shift from what you had previously.

The problem is though, that he's not taking on board how you feel. He probably thinks that he's spicing up your marriage, but from your point of view he's more or less tossed a grenade into it and you are wondering if anything is salvageable. He's not listening. Can you ask him for some space to figure out if you can move past this or not? It will also maybe get him to realise how much of a shock to you this has been and what he's put on the line. A bit of space for you both to have a good think about this and then come together to discuss it properly might help.

sReq | uTeK

Husband Disgusts me wrote: »

OP here.

Yes, I discussed it with him before he went. He knows my feelings and assured me that he had no interest. I have known him for 20 years.

There is a difference in my mind between being in one and getting dances. For the record, the first one was a sitting lapdance and the second one was a bed one. If you think that I know this voluntarily, you are wrong. We did discuss it.

It matters to me that his sleazy mind is picturing someone else while he is touching me. His almost first request when he got home was for me to 'dance' for him.

As for our sex life, we used to have sex on average twice a week. I never thought too much about my body, but clearly I am not young and now I know that I am not sexy in his eyes.

I am not dramatic or overreactive. If anything, I am too calm. I can't seem to get beyond it.

This shouldn't come as a shock to you but your husband has probably been picturing other women, or multiple women for the 20 years previous you were having sex....DUM DUM DUM!

He was an idiot for doing it, especially as he knew your feelings on it, but he was honest.

The only question I'd be asking is if this will happen again, if not then I'd put it down to stupidity and let it slide and try and move on.

milli milli

Disgusted with husband wrote: »

I am the wrong side of 35, not young or sexy anymore.

For the record I wouldn't be happy if a partner got a lap dance either.

But this sentence jumped out at me too. I didn't think there was a 'wrong' side of 35 - 'other' side maybe but not 'wrong'.
I'm early 40s and still consider myself young and sexy. I just came back from my yoga class and some of the women are in their 50s and 60s but they look amazing in their yoga gear and I would definitely think them very sexy (I'm female BTW!)

OP why do you not consider yourself sexy? Have you had children and aren't happy with your new figure? Or do you just not feel comfortable as you've gotten older. Did you ever feel sexy?
I'm not trying to turn the issue on its head, just trying to explore your feelings around the matter.
I've generally found that as women have gotten older they become more comfortable in their bodies (not everyone mind). I think we reach an age where we embrace what we have.

You see some of this insecurity is spilling over into this situation. You're comparing yourself to this 'young, sexy' woman and can't fathom how your husband could possibly find you sexy too.
Sexiness isn't about looking a certain way - it's an attitude and a state of mind.

I was at the Notting Hill Carnival years ago and there was near-naked women dancing on the floats but they weren't 'young, sexy' 20-somethings, they were 50 year old women with lots of body fat jiggling away, with massive smiles on their faces and oozing sex appeal. It was amazing.

It might be good for you to explore why you feel over the hill.
Also there is nothing wrong with giving your husband a little lap-dance - it's really sexy and in my experience (giving one to a boyfriend) it's very empowering for the woman.
I don't think your husband is going to be picturing a younger girl - wouldn't he have to have his eyes closed for that? He obviously wants you to do it - he thinks you're sexy and wants to recreate the experience with you.
If he really preferred the younger girls and not you, there's nothing stopping him from using lap dance clubs.

GingerLily

I think you need to start relationship therapist over this before it goes any further.

I think of you let this stew it will only get worse and you will ruin your ability to be intimate.

LegacyUser

milli milli wrote: »

For the record I wouldn't be happy if a partner got a lap dance either.

But this sentence jumped out at me too. I didn't think there was a 'wrong' side of 35 - 'other' side maybe but not 'wrong'.
I'm early 40s and still consider myself young and sexy. I just came back from my yoga class and some of the women are in their 50s and 60s but they look amazing in their yoga gear and I would definitely think them very sexy (I'm female BTW!)

OP why do you not consider yourself sexy? Have you had children and aren't happy with your new figure? Or do you just not feel comfortable as you've gotten older. Did you ever feel sexy?
I'm not trying to turn the issue on its head, just trying to explore your feelings around the matter.
I've generally found that as women have gotten older they become more comfortable in their bodies (not everyone mind). I think we reach an age where we embrace what we have.

You see some of this insecurity is spilling over into this situation. You're comparing yourself to this 'young, sexy' woman and can't fathom how your husband could possibly find you sexy too.
Sexiness isn't about looking a certain way - it's an attitude and a state of mind.

I was at the Notting Hill Carnival years ago and there was near-naked women dancing on the floats but they weren't 'young, sexy' 20-somethings, they were 50 year old women with lots of body fat jiggling away, with massive smiles on their faces and oozing sex appeal. It was amazing.

It might be good for you to explore why you feel over the hill.
Also there is nothing wrong with giving your husband a little lap-dance - it's really sexy and in my experience (giving one to a boyfriend) it's very empowering for the woman.
I don't think your husband is going to be picturing a younger girl - wouldn't he have to have his eyes closed for that? He obviously wants you to do it - he thinks you're sexy and wants to recreate the experience with you.
If he really preferred the younger girls and not you, there's nothing stopping him from using lap dance clubs.

He told me that I wasn't sexy. He told me that. Do I think that he is picturing my unsexy body or the sexy, young strippers after that?

I am almost 40. I keep fit and healthy but I am not blessed with a young body anymore. I am pale, my boobs are beginning to sag. I am not firm anymore but I didn't realise that I was not sexy. I thought that he still found me attractive but as it turns out, no.

redfox123

Totally agree with woodchuck and those saying you are definitely not over reacting. I would be livid. As I said though this is not something that happened out of the blue. Its not your fault he dealt with things in this way, he seems way too happy he got to do this and it's so insensitive that he can't see how hurt you are.

The people who are saying it's the same as strippers at a hens or 50 shades. It is so different and there is no comparison. Men look at women's bodies so differently to the way women look at men's. Men are visually orientated and will actually get turned on by a naked or semi naked woman. That's why there is so much porn of just naked women and most orientated towards men. It is a very sexual thing. What little porn there is for women is about the situation. It doesn't matter the body, ok a good body is aesthetically pleasing but it doesn't cause the same physical reaction. No woman in history has ever been pleased to receive a dick pic! But men like to look at those 'parts ' of a woman, it's weird but it's the way it is. They get a sexual kick from looking at a woman. Women are far more subtly aroused by a situation, imagination, like in erotic novels, or watching sex between a couple as opposed to just watching a naked man.
Most women find the chippendales just a bit of entertainment but they wouldn't get a private dance for any kind of kick. It's all a reaction to strippers for men and equality and all that, but I think most women could really do without it. It's kind of cringy and there no mystery to a mans body they really don't care what he does he just looks kind of silly. Naked men appeal way more to gay men in a sexual sense, generally speaking.

It's the fact that he desired another woman's body that is affecting you. You feel you can't compete and has made you feel worse about yourself.

I don't blame you feeling like you're feeling. I think you will both need counseling for this, I think he was incredibly stupid to do what he did knowing your feelings on it. It's crazy he went for a second one. It's unfair he now wants you to act like that. If he wants to spice up your sex life for gods sake sit down and talk, see what youre comfortable with, ask him what is missing and to have fair and reasonable expectations. He went too far and it has hurt you. He wants you to love your body, you feel unsexy, he wants you to feel sexy. And he is going the worst way about it. Modern porn and the sex industry profits from fantasy, and men need to understand it is that, fantasy. If they are immersing themselves in it, they begin to have skewed expectations and feel entitled to be pleasured and performed to in this way in reality, that the woman is there to serve him, when it in no way reflects how the woman feels or what she wants. She is being paid to do it. I really feel this is where things have gone wrong. I think you both need to talk things out with a counsellor/therapist.