girlfriend saying she will break up with me if I go on weekend away with the lads

11-03-2017 12:41PM

OP seriously! Why would you even need to question this! 9 months or 9 years it doesn't matter. That kind of carryon is controlling and screams serious insecurities. We all have them I know but most of us manage to keep an eye on them.

If I were to say to himself "don't go such a place" I'd be shown the door, as would he if roles were reversed.

Run away.

judeboy101 · 11-03-2017 12:47PM

Bro's before ho's

_Kaiser_ · 11-03-2017 12:48PM

Go and enjoy your holiday. If you give in to this you'll end up being gradually cut off from your mates or being made feel guilty/having a row everytime you do see them. Plus you'll also end up in a scenario where she won't do anything unless you tag along.

Not worth the hassle trust me.. time apart doing your own thing with your own friends is just as important as time together doing coupley things.

Johngoose · 11-03-2017 12:53PM

It's too early to be acting like that.

Dr.MickKiller · 11-03-2017 12:58PM

Flip the situation around. Tell her you'll break up with her if she doesn't let you go on the weekend away.

BBDBB · 11-03-2017 12:59PM

I don't think it's the timing of it that is the problem.
Unless the op has given her reason to be concerned previously then to go making ultimatums to try to force him to obey her insecurities is no way to have a decent relationship

catbear · 11-03-2017 01:00PM

Nine months in and she's giving you ultimations?

Call her bluff.

Her confidence issues aren't of your making.

Widdershins · 11-03-2017 01:02PM

What is she worried about, OP. That's the question. If she really has nothing to worry about then I agree it's a bit mad. But if you are planning on stuff that's a 'dealbreaker' for her then you're as well of splitting up now because you're incompatible.

One eyed Jack · 11-03-2017 01:03PM

Widdershins wrote: »

Interesting. There are connotations of such elements to such a trip. I guess she might be worried he's off for hookers and stuff.

Maybe if OP isn't interested in that, he should let her know. Or if you are then can you reasonably expect her to be ok with it.

Personally I'd find the idea manky so I can see why she'd be a bit...
But it should be talked through between the two of you OP instead of on After Hours where the default reply is ''dump that psycho''

I don't agree with the "dump the psycho" nonsense (but it is AH, so it's to be expected! :pac:), but at the same time - why do you think the OP should have to reassure his girlfriend that he isn't interested in hookers and stuff? That's presuming he'll do something, which shows a lack of trust on her part, not his.

I'd understand where his girlfriend was coming from if the OP had previous form for that craic, but I don't see any reason to assume he has. If the OP were that desperate to ask AH for advice on his relationship in the first place, his girlfriend may well have dodged a bullet if the OP dumps her off the back of advice from strangers on the internet!!

Widdershins · 11-03-2017 01:14PM

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I don't agree with the "dump the psycho" nonsense (but it is AH, so it's to be expected! :pac:), but at the same time - why do you think the OP should have to reassure his girlfriend that he isn't interested in hookers and stuff? That's presuming he'll do something, which shows a lack of trust on her part, not his.

I'd understand where his girlfriend was coming from if the OP had previous form for that craic, but I don't see any reason to assume he has. If the OP were that desperate to ask AH for advice on his relationship in the first place, his girlfriend may well have dodged a bullet if the OP dumps her off the back of advice from strangers on the internet!!

I dunno. I'm just wondering what the point of the trip is. What are the other lads like and whether there's previous form. Surely this woman's not upset just because he's going on holiday? There must be more to it.
A different poster admitted his friends went in for the Amsterdam hookers but he himself didn't, it's not like it's unheard of. He's going to have to talk to her and tell her if there is or isn't anything for her to be bothered by. If he wants to do something along those lines then that's his right, but I wouldn't castigate her for finding it unacceptable. I'm sure there are situations my own OH would be upset to imagine me in. Sometimes you have to come to a compromise or talk it through a fair bit. Ah is the wrong place imo.

I dont think desperation drives people to ask AH for advice, more like mutual poor communication skills.

0ph0rce0 · 11-03-2017 01:23PM

It's a holiday with mates. Why does there have to be more too it. You sound as bad as his girlfreind.

Women go away nothings ever said. And if you did question it your life's made hell.

Man wants to head off to relax have a few beers with mates talk bollocks nahhh he's a cheating ****. Must be up to something.

Load of ****e if you ask me. Go have fun tell her to **** off.

MrBlack93 · 11-03-2017 01:23PM

you're going with the lads end of story, you'll regret it if ya don't, trust me. Ya cant satisfy this manipulative behaviour, even if u cancelled the holiday etc she'd still throw a strop and hold it over you that you even thought about going on such a holiday.

Life's too short to be dealing with that. Trust me I've been there

One eyed Jack · 11-03-2017 01:27PM

Widdershins wrote: »

I dunno. I'm just wondering what the point of the trip is. What are the other lads like and whether there's previous form. Surely this woman's not upset just because he's going on holiday? There must be more to it.
A different poster admitted his friends went in for the Amsterdam hookers but he himself didn't, it's not like it's unheard of. He's going to have to talk to her and tell her if there is or isn't anything for her to be bothered by. If he wants to do something along those lines then that's his right, but I wouldn't castigate her for finding it unacceptable. I'm sure there are situations my own OH would be upset to imagine me in. Sometimes you have to come to a compromise or talk it through a fair bit. Ah is the wrong place imo.

I dont think desperation drives people to ask AH for advice, more like mutual poor communication skills.

Of course there's more to it, nine months of a relationship doesn't just happen in a vacuum, and I doubt what the OP wrote was the beginning and end of the conversation either. It's a bit pointless though to jump to conclusions without knowing more, and given that the OP probably knows the difference between RI and AH at this stage, I doubt they were actually looking for serious relationship advice as opposed to just a bit of a wind-up thread...

Widdershins · 11-03-2017 01:28PM

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

It's a holiday with mates. Why does there have to be more too it. You sound as bad as his girlfreind.

Women go away nothings ever said. And if you did question it your life's made hell.

Man wants to head off to relax have a few beers with mates talk bollocks nahhh he's a cheating ****. Must be up to something.

Load of ****e if you ask me. Go have fun tell her to **** off.

Perhaps I missed something by speed reading. If OP's said so then fair enough.

I'm not sure how you can generalise about ''women'' in general and what happens if it's questioned. I don't feck off and get angry if ''questioned'' because I respect my other half. If he was concerned I'd want to reassure him, but I don't think he's ever had much cause for concern as I'm straight with him.

Widdershins · 11-03-2017 01:29PM

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Of course there's more to it, nine months of a relationship doesn't just happen in a vacuum, and I doubt what the OP wrote was the beginning and end of the conversation either. It's a bit pointless though to jump to conclusions without knowing more, and given that the OP probably knows the difference between RI and AH at this stage, I doubt they were actually looking for serious relationship advice as opposed to just a bit of a wind-up thread...

You're right. I just chose to go with the opposite conclusion to the popular ''yer girlfriend's a header''.

Sam Kade · 11-03-2017 01:40PM

Op run away and don't look back if she is that possessive at 9 months imagine what she will be like if you marry her. You'll have a long miserable life if you stay with her.

Avatar MIA · 11-03-2017 01:42PM

judeboy101 wrote: »

Bro's before ho's

That's the least the girlfriend can hope for :pac:

BorneTobyWilde · 11-03-2017 01:43PM

Why Amsterdam? There are many historic sites throughout Europe?

...i GUESS WE ALL KNOW WHY

infogiver · 11-03-2017 01:52PM

A young friend of mine has tried to make a relationship like yours work for about 4 years but he's had to break up with her now because he couldn't do it any more.
He started off by giving in to her over things like this but it got more and more ridiculous until it became a sad joke.
He's missed out on some soccer trials in the UK because of her hysterical tantrums.
He's missed out on going to college because she wasn't going so he couldn't go either.
Being interrogated like the gestapo on all the periods they are apart, even about work.
And it's all off now and he's heartbroken because he's already heard that she's already shifted a few other fellas at parties.
Be warned.

One eyed Jack · 11-03-2017 01:54PM

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

Why Amsterdam? There are many historic sites throughout Europe?

...i GUESS WE ALL KNOW WHY

There are plenty of art galleries and historic sites in Amsterdam too, plenty for tourists besides the red light district! I guess a guys holiday alright that's probably the most obvious place they'll end up though, even just out of curiosity, has to be seen to be believed apparently, so says my wife and her mum and sister when they were over there!

Buckfast W · 11-03-2017 01:55PM

BorneTobyWilde wrote:

Why Amsterdam? There are many historic sites throughout Europe?

Yeah and Amsterdam is one of them, it's a beautiful city that caters for all tastes, not everyone who goes is a sex crazed addict, I was there last week with a bunch of people and it was a drinking weekend, was also there in November with the girlfriend and we did some sight seeing.

Amsterdam holds its own when compared to other European cities.

0ph0rce0 · 11-03-2017 01:57PM

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

Why Amsterdam? There are many historic sites throughout Europe?

...i GUESS WE ALL KNOW WHY

Good Beers, good food, to see the views, the windmills, check out the anne frank museum, see the van gogh museum, the canals and many other great things to see.

Joeseph Balls · 11-03-2017 02:03PM

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

Why Amsterdam? There are many historic sites throughout Europe?

...i GUESS WE ALL KNOW WHY

The tulips?

Ulysses Gaze · 11-03-2017 02:03PM

huggy15 wrote: »

well a group of friends have decided to go away to Amsterdam for a lads weekend at the end of April. I've been with my girlfriend 9 months now and everything is great although I do sense she has a few security issues. well anyway there is about 10 of us going including me, most of them are single except 1 or 2. I'd only be goin over for a bit of craic and a few pints but as soon as she got wind of it she went off her head. now she is saying if i go that we are finished! is it just me or is this a bit much? I really don't know what to do now I do like the girl but I think she is being a bit controlling...

Call her bluff.

Go away with the lads. If she leaves you, then it was not meant to be.

Widdershins · 11-03-2017 02:05PM

infogiver wrote: »

A young friend of mine has tried to make a relationship like yours work for about 4 years but he's had to break up with her now because he couldn't do it any more.
He started off by giving in to her over things like this but it got more and more ridiculous until it became a sad joke.
He's missed out on some soccer trials in the UK because of her hysterical tantrums.
He's missed out on going to college because she wasn't going so he couldn't go either.
Being interrogated like the gestapo on all the periods they are apart, even about work.
And it's all off now and he's heartbroken because he's already heard that she's already shifted a few other fellas at parties.
Be warned.

Is OPs relationship like your friends though. If that resonates with him then yes he'd best get out.

The last time I saw a post like OP's was my friend's husband's FB status, ranting about her having the ''audacity'' to ask where he's going, when in reality she can't step outside without letting him know because they have three children to look after-and he doesn't see any reason why he should be reliable. Inevitable responses like: ''That sounds a bit controlling alright mate''

Another similar one was ''(name of girlfriend) says I'm really rude. Do ye think I'm rude''. (his girlfriends my cousin, and he'd been pretty damn rude to a few relatives, causing a major rift) Cue ''god no you're lovely'' responses. People reading a one sided social media post don't know the background.

I actually know a couple of teachers who went on honeymoon to Amsterdam, and brought back loads of sightseeing pictures.

conorhal · 11-03-2017 02:05PM

Widdershins wrote: »

Interesting. There are connotations of such elements to such a trip. I guess she might be worried he's off for hookers and stuff.

Maybe if OP isn't interested in that, he should let her know. Or if you are then can you reasonably expect her to be ok with it.

Personally I'd find the idea manky so I can see why she'd be a bit...
But it should be talked through between the two of you OP instead of on After Hours where the default reply is ''dump that psycho''

I'd imagine that 'hookers and weed' are her primary concern, why else go to Amsterdam with a bunch of single blokes on the lash otherwise? Something tells me not a lot of time will be spent in the Rijksmuseum and there are far better places to go and get smashed.
Doubtless some of the lads are up for the hookers and coke, the OP may not be, or at least hasn't suggested such (or otherwise for that matter), but booze, weed and peer pressure don't do much for your resolve and inhibitions. Would she be as obstructive if he said he was going on the lash in London or Vienna with the lads? There are 'connotations' to Amsterdam and a boyfriend that arrives home with bloodshot eyes and reeking of cheap hooker perfume doesn't sound like much of a catch to me.

That said, I'd be wary of anybody in a relationship that stamps their foot and delivers nuclear ultimatums. It's not a good sign. I also wonder if she's be better off without him, if she dislikes the notion of lads weekends in Amsterdam so much, why date somebody that finds appeal in everything you dislike?
Nether party seems suited at this time to fulfill what the other expects from this relationship, so perhaps parting ways is for the best.

ChikiChiki · 11-03-2017 02:07PM

huggy15 wrote: »

well a group of friends have decided to go away to Amsterdam for a lads weekend at the end of April. I've been with my girlfriend 9 months now and everything is great although I do sense she has a few security issues. well anyway there is about 10 of us going including me, most of them are single except 1 or 2. I'd only be goin over for a bit of craic and a few pints but as soon as she got wind of it she went off her head. now she is saying if i go that we are finished! is it just me or is this a bit much? I really don't know what to do now I do like the girl but I think she is being a bit controlling...

Too much mate. Better to happen now than later. Spending time with friends is equally important, actually probably more important.

Wheety · 11-03-2017 02:14PM

I've had this before. She told me I couldn't go out for my friend's birthday. Think someone jokingly said there'd be strippers (just trying to put some kind of reasoning behind her reaction).

Anyway, I told her there won't be any strippers and I'm going. She said if I do that's the end of us. I said "Fine, but just remember that you're ending it because I'm going out for my friend's birthday".

I said goodbye and headed out. Ignored any texts from her that night. We did break up over it but gave it another go a few weeks later. Then I had to finish it as she was trying to be controlling again.

I say go. If she breaks up over a weekend away then you're better off out of that relationship. Girl I'm with now and marrying soon is sound. She has her nights out and weekends away and doesn't mind me doing the same. Obviously we do those things together sometimes too

One eyed Jack · 11-03-2017 02:14PM

infogiver wrote: »

A young friend of mine has tried to make a relationship like yours work for about 4 years but he's had to break up with her now because he couldn't do it any more.
He started off by giving in to her over things like this but it got more and more ridiculous until it became a sad joke.
He's missed out on some soccer trials in the UK because of her hysterical tantrums.
He's missed out on going to college because she wasn't going so he couldn't go either.
Being interrogated like the gestapo on all the periods they are apart, even about work.
And it's all off now and he's heartbroken because he's already heard that she's already shifted a few other fellas at parties.
Be warned.

I don't get why that's any of his concern? They're broken up, she's moved on, he hasn't.

Reminds me of a friend of mine who's ex-boyfriend told her "I can't see you in my life in 10 years time", before he broke up with her, she said fair enough and moved on. He was still messaging her with all sorts of vile, angry messages and sending her profile pics of girls he matched with on Tinder before she eventually had enough and blocked him!

There's always two sides whenever I hear one person trying to lay the blame entirely at the other persons door.

Liam McPoyle · 11-03-2017 02:17PM

Its easier to seek forgiveness than permission.

Go, enjoy your life, before you know it your care free days will have passed you.

Its her own insecurities that are at play here, if she can't deal with her own issues then there is nothing to be said tbh.

girlfriend saying she will break up with me if I go on weekend away with the lads

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