Girlfriend told me she has feelings for another man that she works with

Andrews46 · 27-02-2017 05:36PM #1

Hi, im 25 years old. Girlfriend is also the same age. Me and my girlfriend have been together for over 7 years, happy and do alot together as a family. We both work very hard. We have a 5 year old child together. We do alot of family things, Go on holidays, spend days away as a family. Dont seem to get any spare timw just as a couple. Hav had a fairly good/very good sexual relationship together. Experimenting in different things. Any way more to the point...

In the last few months and weeks things have gone down hill...
We wernt having as much sexual encounters as we normaly had. A few times per week and now its goin to the point where we would "do it" once ever 3-4weeks.

In the last 3-4 weeks iv been getting bad vibes off her. Seemed like we were drifting apart. But we were doing nothing about it. Just letting it happen in front of our eyes.

Then 2 days ago she hit me with a bombshell. We had an argument, and i tried to get some info out of her as to whats going on between us both. She said that she doesnt think we should be together....
And i thought that their was more to the statement she said. So we sat down together after a full say of fighting to sort things out.

We talked for hours and i kept going back to a problem i thought was the cause off all this in the first place.

I asked her was the problem we wer having anything to do with our sexual relationship together.

She eventually came out and told me everything.
She said that she has VERY strong feelings for another man she works with. Feelings so strong that she cant control. She said she feels that soon it will end up going so far as to the point that she will start cheating on me with him. He has no clue about her feelings. And she has talked with another friend from work but getting nowere with that conversation.

After hours of talking it grew on me that she was honest about what she was feeling. And she had not acted on it.

Earlier on in the relationship we talked about threesomes to spice up things.
I brought the idea up that if the feelings towords him are over powering that id be comfortable to invite him into a threesome.
(Thinking he would be the perfect candidate)
Although she hit me with the bad news that she has feelings for another man i thought id act positivly instead of just walking away from it on bad terms and destroying our relationship and life together.

She said today that her feelings towords me have strenghtened since our conversation.and shes feeling alot better about herself and us in general. I havnt stopped thinking about this all day. Its causing me to lack consentration in other things.

I am very open minded about things. Dont get annoyed and never get emotional about anything. But im on the fence about what is going to happen after this act.

The main problem that i have is, they both work together. It could lead to things at work when im not ther that she would feel she could get away with without telling me. She has also admitted telling me she is getting to a point that she will end up cheating, the only time she is around him is when shes at work with him. So the only obvious place to commit the act of cheating is at work.

Can somebody shine some light on this situation.
Bareing in mind we are a very open minded couple.

b_mac2 · 27-02-2017 05:42PM

The threesome idea with your man? No, just no.

GingerLily · 27-02-2017 05:45PM

Having a threesone with her work colleague is literally the worst possible solution to your problem, they work together, the negative consequences are endless for both your relationship and her professional reputation.

jameorahiely · 27-02-2017 05:45PM

She can control herself to not cheat if she chooses. Wether she chooses to or not is another question.

Agree with the poster above. Threesome with a guy she works with is a bad idea.

Andrews46 · 27-02-2017 05:47PM

b_mac2 wrote: »

The threesome idea with your man? No, just no.

Any reason why not??

Shes admitted that it will eventaully get to a point where she will cheat.

My real problem is the whole "cheating" part.
I couldnt deal with the fact she would go behind my back and do such an act. But i dont class it cheating if we invite him in to a threesome together.

So maybe inviting him in together for a threesome will solve the urge that she has for him.

stargazer 68 · 27-02-2017 05:50PM

Andrews46 wrote: »

Any reason why not??

Shes admitted that it will eventaully get to a point where she will cheat.

My real problem is the whole "cheating" part.
I couldnt deal with the fact she would go behind my back and do such an act. But i dont class it cheating if we invite him in to a threesome together.

So maybe inviting him in together for a threesome will solve the urge that she has for him.

Op you say this guy has no idea of her feelings towards him. He could be in a relationship, married, gay! How will it solve anything by suggesting this to him and he is horrified by the idea?? And even if he agrees she still has to work with him so you would have no idea if it was happening without you while they are at work.

Andrews46 · 27-02-2017 05:52PM

jameorahiely wrote: »

She can control herself to not cheat if she chooses. Wether she chooses to or not is another question.

Agree with the poster above. Threesome with a guy she works with is a bad idea.

She tells me she never had such a feeling before. She cant get over it and its getting worse. Any ideas on how to get over the feeling she has??

Mr. Incognito · 27-02-2017 05:54PM

I applaud your reaction.

What works for some folk doesnt work for others and I have many friends who are poly or in open relationships so it can work but openness and honesty and trust are paramount. It appears that she has told you the truth and this has taken a lot of the allure off her forbidden hidden fruit.

First, this guy might have zero interest in her and it would take a brave man for a work colleague to say- can I bring you home to bang me while my hubby watches. I don't think that's realistic.

She has to make a decision if she wants to end everything you have to chase a bit of lust. If she does then fair enough, but if you allow her a free pass here she will cheat on you for the rest of your life. Don't do that to you kid unless you are happy with that becomming the status quo. I suspect if the shoe was on the other foot would she be happy with you brining home a work colleague for a bit of casual?.

Andrews46 · 27-02-2017 05:54PM

Dovies wrote: »

Op you say this guy has no idea of her feelings towards him. He could be in a relationship, married, gay! How will it solve anything by suggesting this to him and he is horrified by the idea?? And even if he agrees she still has to work with him so you would have no idea if it was happening without you while they are at work.

I know the guy. Hes single and straight, but doesnt know of any feelings she has towords him. Thats my point, iv got a problem that the thought of her cheating or finding out shes been cheating would crush me.

Mr. Incognito · 27-02-2017 05:55PM

Andrews46 wrote: »

She tells me she never had such a feeling before. She cant get over it and its getting worse. Any ideas on how to get over the feeling she has??

Yes- Stop being a selfish person and get over it. It's just lust- its not an excuse and "uncontrollable". She's teeing you up here to be a mug. People are responsible for their actions.

beertons · 27-02-2017 05:56PM

Andrews46 wrote: »

Any reason why not??

Shes admitted that it will eventaully get to a point where she will cheat.

My real problem is the whole "cheating" part.
I couldnt deal with the fact she would go behind my back and do such an act. But i dont class it cheating if we invite him in to a threesome together.

So maybe inviting him in together for a threesome will solve the urge that she has for him.

Is that not compounding the problem? She cheats, he wins. 3 some, he wins.

I'd be telling her to cop herself on. Or get out of the house.

Andrews46 · 27-02-2017 06:00PM

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I applaud your reaction.

What works for some folk doesnt work for others and I have many friends who are poly or in open relationships so it can work but openness and honesty and trust are paramount. It appears that she has told you the truth and this has taken a lot of the allure off her forbidden hidden fruit.

First, this guy might have zero interest in her and it would take a brave man for a work colleague to say- can I bring you home to bang me while my hubby watches. I don't think that's realistic.

She has to make a decision if she wants to end everything you have to chase a bit of lust. If she does then fair enough, but if you allow her a free pass here she will cheat on you for the rest of your life. Don't do that to you kid unless you are happy with that becomming the status quo. I suspect if the shoe was on the other foot would she be happy with you brining home a work colleague for a bit of casual?.

Im fairly open, and so is she. Its just this speedbump in the relationship im trying to deal with in the right way. I could be ignorant and disagree to it all and in my eyes the relationship we have will be done and dusted in a few weeks or months. She will become dishonest and comit to cheating if its ignored.

Im not alowing a free pass as it will end she could get an inch and tale a mile.

Ursus Horribilis · 27-02-2017 06:01PM

7 year together, only 25, have a child. I wonder is this a bad case of the grass being greener on the other side? Or the relationship having run its course. People change a lot between 18 and 25.

jameorahiely · 27-02-2017 06:02PM

Andrews46 wrote: »

She tells me she never had such a feeling before. She cant get over it and its getting worse. Any ideas on how to get over the feeling she has??

It sounds like she has checked out of your relationship and is determined to cheat with fantasy work guy, framing it as not being able to stop herself.

You OP makes you sound like a bit of a door mat. She has no respect for you or her child if she is willing to cheat with a random guy from work. You walking away would not be the one destroying the relationship, it's her acting on feelings she has for another man which would do that.

Have you tried couples conselling?

If you are looking for a threesome go through other more appropiate channels than lads from her work who she has feelings for.

Andrews46 · 27-02-2017 06:07PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

7 year together, only 25, have a child. I wonder is this a bad case of the grass being greener on the other side? Or the relationship having run its course. People change a lot between 18 and 25.

We have known each other since age 13-14. Ending up together age 18. Having a child together 2 years later. Kinda like it was meant to be. Happy together for the last 7 years. We are in the middle of taking the next step in our life with a mortgage on a house together. And then all this happens....

Virgil° · 27-02-2017 06:08PM

Andrews46 wrote: »

Any reason why not??

Shes admitted that it will eventaully get to a point where she will cheat.

My real problem is the whole "cheating" part.
I couldnt deal with the fact she would go behind my back and do such an act. But i dont class it cheating if we invite him in to a threesome together.

So maybe inviting him in together for a threesome will solve the urge that she has for him.

Because we aren't talking about the OPs girlfriend getting an itch for a threesome. If it was just that, and she had an idea of some guy she'd like to do it with and her boyfriend was fine with that then happy days. But it isn't that.

She's admitted that she has "very strong feelings" for this other guy. A sexual encounter with this person while still supposedly being lovingly committed to the father of her child is the worst kind of solution to this problem. That'd be like throwing a stick of dynamite into a fire to put it out.

You say you are open minded OP, but lets be honest here. You really only considered this threesome option as a desperate band-aid solution to getting around your girlfriend cheating on you. I really don't think you've fully considered the ramifications of this.
Do you really want to have a sexual encounter with your girlfriends crush? Like really really? If you don't then don't. I can't see a good outcome from any of your choices here OP.

neonsofa · 27-02-2017 06:10PM

jameorahiely wrote: »

It sounds like she has checked out of your relationship and is determined to cheat with fantasy work guy, framing it as not being able to stop herself.

You OP makes you sound like a bit of a door mat. She has no respect for you or her child if she is willing to cheat with a random guy from work. You walking away would not be the one destroying the relationship, it's her acting on feelings she has for another man which would do that.

Have you tried couples conselling?

If you are looking for a threesome go through other more appropiate channels than lads from her work who she has feelings for.

Yep the fact that she also said she sees herself cheating or whatever it was she said, seems to me she knows he has feelings too. Who gets a crush on someone and instantly assumes they will have an affair. She seems to know it would be inevitable which I would assume is because they have been flirting already or she has some idea of his feelings. This to me seems like she has not just suddenly developed feelings for a colleague but that they have developed feelings for each other. That's just my reading of things though.

dellas1979 · 27-02-2017 06:10PM

He's her work colleague.....

You are suggesting all this with her work colleague? Like, I assume they are not just in the same building, but actually work (in a team or something together?)

How has she grown these very strong feelings for him or she knows that he likes her? I think you've said they dont spend anytime together outside the office?

Is there information missing some where?

Andrews46 · 27-02-2017 06:12PM

jameorahiely wrote: »

It sounds like she has checked out of your relationship and is determined to cheat with fantasy work guy, framing it as not being able to stop herself.

You OP makes you sound like a bit of a door mat. She has no respect for you or her child if she is willing to cheat with a random guy from work. You walking away would not be the one destroying the relationship, it's her acting on feelings she has for another man which would do that.

Have you tried couples conselling?

If you are looking for a threesome go through other more appropiate channels than lads from her work who she has feelings for.

Thanks for that reply. Il be sure to look into couples counceling. As i think thats what we need. The part i cant get over is the whole "cheating" part. Although she has told me before she acted upon it. Whitch is a bonus. It takes alot to tell a partner that.

punisher5112 · 27-02-2017 06:12PM

Op sorry but I'm going to be blunt.

She is using you and will no doubt act on her impulse if not soon it will be down the line.

I would suggest getting onto a solicitor about being ahead when sh1t hits the fan and she uses the child against you.

You need to think now and honestly not waste more time.

Yes we all look at other females or females males but that sort of dreaming and telling is her working up to actually doing something about it.

I'll also ask how do you know she hasn't worked on it or had an affair already.

Look it may never happen but honestly she has told you she has feelings for another guy it might pass over but what about the next guy and what happens at parties and company events as you know yourself guys can be pretty stupid(I'm one) and if a girl throws themselves on you it ain't easy to turn that down obviously when single.

Ursus Horribilis · 27-02-2017 06:13PM

Andrews46 wrote: »

We have known each other since age 13-14. Ending up together age 18. Having a child together 2 years later. Kinda like it was meant to be. Happy together for the last 7 years. We are in the middle of taking the next step in our life with a mortgage on a house together. And then all this happens....

Are you sure you were that happy though? Sure, childhood sweetheart romances can work out but they're the exception rather than the rule. You've got to admit that she tied herself down very young, not just with a relationship but with a child. She may be rebelling against it.

neonsofa · 27-02-2017 06:14PM

Andrews46 wrote: »

We have known each other since age 13-14. Ending up together age 18. Having a child together 2 years later. Kinda like it was meant to be. Happy together for the last 7 years. We are in the middle of taking the next step in our life with a mortgage on a house together. And then all this happens....

Ok so ye have not been with anybody else?

And now when it is getting serious and you will legally be tied together forever and potentially never have other partners she suddenly develops feelings for this guy and the solution is to sleep with him in a threesome?? Op I think this is very much a case of her panicking about settling down having not experimented with others, whether ye are prepared to work through it together is up to you both but I really don't think it should involve a threesome with this particular man.

punisher5112 · 27-02-2017 06:15PM

Andrews46 wrote: »

We have known each other since age 13-14. Ending up together age 18. Having a child together 2 years later. Kinda like it was meant to be. Happy together for the last 7 years. We are in the middle of taking the next step in our life with a mortgage on a house together. And then all this happens....

Mortgage you will be stuck paying till child is out of education and her to move in whom she likes. Tread extremely careful.

Taltos · 27-02-2017 06:24PM

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Rekop dog · 27-02-2017 06:27PM

I don't believe for a second you're ok with this. I think you fear losing her so badly, breaking up the family/ mortgage worries that you'd let her away with nearly anything, but you're human, and I know this is destroying you deep down know matter how hard it is to admit. Imagine being there when your long term girlfriend gets off with her work crush in front of you, Jesus wept.

I don't believe it's healthy to maintain this faux controlled act, unless you lack the ability to feel emotions you need to stop this before it happens or let her go(she may already be gone).

Andrews46 · 27-02-2017 06:30PM

Virgil° wrote: »

Because we aren't talking about the OPs girlfriend getting an itch for a threesome. If it was just that, and she had an idea of some guy she'd like to do it with and her boyfriend was fine with that then happy days. But it isn't that.

She's admitted that she has "very strong feelings" for this other guy. A sexual encounter with this person while still supposedly being lovingly committed to the father of her child is the worst kind of solution to this problem. That'd be like throwing a stick of dynamite into a fire to put it out.

You say you are open minded OP, but lets be honest here. You really only considered this threesome option as a desperate band-aid solution to getting around your girlfriend cheating on you. I really don't think you've fully considered the ramifications of this.
Do you really want to have a sexual encounter with your girlfriends crush? Like really really? If you don't then don't. I can't see a good outcome from any of your choices here OP.

True that, id do anything to save the relationship. And i thought that comitting to a threesome with the man she has strong feelongs may make her over come that "strong feeling" after the whole thing toook place. Its a desperate measure to save the relationship that we have. We have both invested the best part of our lives together, have a child and just about to start a new chapter in out life together. On the other hand i could just deny it all to myself. Let the relationship fall apart, and she ends up leaving and going off with the man in question.

KKkitty · 27-02-2017 06:31PM

It does seem like she's not as invested into your relationship anymore but could you both get away even if it was just overnight just the 2 of you. You both need to get away from familiarity maybe somewhere you've never been before and see if that helps.

neonsofa · 27-02-2017 06:36PM

Andrews46 wrote: »

True that, id do anything to save the relationship. And i thought that comitting to a threesome with the man she has strong feelongs may make her over come that "strong feeling" after the whole thing toook place. Its a desperate measure to save the relationship that we have. We have both invested the best part of our lives together, have a child and just about to start a new chapter in out life together. On the other hand i could just deny it all to myself. Let the relationship fall apart, and she ends up leaving and going off with the man in question.

It won't save it though.
Let's say you go ahead with the threesome, her "desires" are fulfilled and you fall in love again and all is rosy...what happens when she gets feelings for roy down the road and pat from the shop and whoever else... threesome with them too? Do you see what I'm getting at? I'm just trying to show how unfair it is on you op, not to trivialise your situation.

Andrews46 · 27-02-2017 06:37PM

Thanks for all the replys. I will take everything into consideration. Apreciate all the input you guys have to say. I wll talk through everything i feel and we will see were we stand. Thanks again

dmm82 · 27-02-2017 06:38PM

Andrews46 wrote: »

True that, id do anything to save the relationship. And i thought that comitting to a threesome with the man she has strong feelongs may make her over come that "strong feeling" after the whole thing toook place. Its a desperate measure to save the relationship that we have. We have both invested the best part of our lives together, have a child and just about to start a new chapter in out life together. On the other hand i could just deny it all to myself. Let the relationship fall apart, and she ends up leaving and going off with the man in question.

But what if you go ahead with this and her connection with this guy gets even stronger after the threesome? And he feels the same way about her? Are you going to be OK with them continuing to see each other just because they're not doing it behind your back? Where do you draw the line when you've opened up the floodgates on something like this?

dellas1979 · 27-02-2017 06:38PM

I still dont understand hows shes so gotton close to this guy (to develop such feelings).

This is from a female perspective. To try understand is it something developing between them (mutual) or is her off in her own head (lusting) and day dreaming.

Girlfriend told me she has feelings for another man that she works with

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