Happy Killing of Captain Cook Day !!

Stars and Stripes · 14-02-2017 01:23PM #1

Happy Killing of Captain Cook Day!

On February 14, 1779 Captain James Cook of the British royal navy was killed by natives in Kealakekua Bay, on the Big Island of Hawaii. Cook was a true savage, who sailed across the world bringing murder, rape, disease, and colonialism to native peoples all over the Pacific. When he was killed, Cook was trying to kidnap the Hawaiian Aliʻi (tribal chief) Kalaniʻōpuʻu in response to an unknown person stealing a small boat. In the process, he had threatened to open fire on the islanders.

At this point, the Hawaiians decided they had enough of Cook’s bull****, threatened with mass murder and the kidnapping of one of their tribal leaders, the Hawaiian islanders finally gave this piece of **** what he deserved: a beatdown on the beach, and a knife to the chest. This put an end to a lifetime of predatory behavior and conquest of lands in the service to the british empire.

So how about instead of celebrating a boring consumerist holiday like Valentine’s Day, we celebrate something awesome, like the death of Captain Cook …

ohnonotgmail · 14-02-2017 01:32PM

The Hallmark cards might be interesting if nothing else.

whisky_galore · 14-02-2017 01:43PM

LoL at the username OP as the Yanks invaded and took the place over at the instigation of wealthy US born businessmen and missionaries...but as they weren't Brits it's ok...

Yourself isit · 14-02-2017 01:47PM

As an irishman I agree.

Aa a privileged white I disagree.

Noddyholder · 14-02-2017 01:49PM

Sounds good to me :-)

Butters1979 · 14-02-2017 01:53PM

War's over

Winterlong · 14-02-2017 01:54PM

The contemporary cartoonist seems to have really darkened the natives skin.

buried · 14-02-2017 01:59PM

In B4 the agent oranges of boards blame it on Irish republicanz

Galway_Old_Man · 14-02-2017 02:03PM

So... I should take the missus out for a Hawaiian pizza then?

osarusan · 14-02-2017 02:04PM

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your skull's inside out
And your heart too

OldGoat · 14-02-2017 02:05PM

So the native peoples of the Pacific never had murder, rape, disease or colonialism before the arrival of Cook? Must have been a delightful little utopia.

Teddington Cuddlesworth · 14-02-2017 02:07PM

But where could one buy a killing captain cook card to give to their spouse to celebrate this day?

Stars and Stripes · 14-02-2017 02:08PM

OldGoat wrote: »

So the native peoples of the Pacific never had murder, rape, disease or colonialism before the arrival of Cook? Must have been a delightful little utopia.

I'm sure it wasn't a utopia but I'll bet they had a lot less murder, rape and disease before that murdering pervert and his gang arrived. And a happy killing Capt Cook Day to you too

OldGoat · 14-02-2017 02:21PM

He was a pervert too? Jaysussss, what a bastard. Gonna give us the salacious details so we can all get our perve on?

Dr Crayfish · 14-02-2017 02:26PM

I read a book about him. What a life and what a man. To all of you who think Ireland wouldn't have partook in colony building if we had the power and resources well, you're wrong! Plus without Cook and his ilk we'd not be able to get f*cked up in GAA jerseys for a year in Bondi in our 20s.

Cianmcliam · 14-02-2017 02:29PM

Stars and Stripes wrote: »

I'm sure it wasn't a utopia but I'll bet they had a lot less murder, rape and disease before that murdering pervert and his gang arrived. And a happy killing Capt Cook Day to you too

I know Valentine's day is traditionally a day for being overly romantic, but lets not get too carried away. Most of the Polynesian Islands were in a state of constant warfare before contact with the west. To quote Robert Wright:

"Here are some descriptions, by various anthropologists, of various Polynesian islands: “a chronic state of war” (Samoa); “in a state of more or less incessant warfare” (Niue Island); “constant fighting and warfare” (Tongareva). In this regard Polynesian chiefdoms parallel other chiefdoms, such as those in the Cauca Valley of Colombia, where war was “universal, acute, and unending.”"

As for Tahiti, Wright quotes Lawrence Keeley who described "the custom in which a victorious warrior would “pound his vanquished foe’s
corpse flat with his heavy war club, cut a slit through the well-crushed victim, and don him as a trophy poncho.”

ohnonotgmail · 14-02-2017 02:33PM

Cianmcliam wrote: »

I know Valentine's day is traditionally a day for being overly romantic, but lets not get too carried away. Most of the Polynesian Islands were in a state of constant warfare before contact with the west. To quote Robert Wright:

"Here are some descriptions, by various anthropologists, of various Polynesian islands: “a chronic state of war” (Samoa); “in a state of more or less incessant warfare” (Niue Island); “constant fighting and warfare” (Tongareva). In this regard Polynesian chiefdoms parallel other chiefdoms, such as those in the Cauca Valley of Colombia, where war was “universal, acute, and unending.”"

As for Tahiti, Wright quotes Lawrence Keeley who described "the custom in which a victorious warrior would “pound his vanquished foe’s
corpse flat with his heavy war club, cut a slit through the well-crushed victim, and don him as a trophy poncho.”

those lads didnt mess about, did they.

Mrs OBumble · 14-02-2017 02:35PM

Stars and Stripes wrote: »

I'm sure it wasn't a utopia but I'll bet they had a lot less murder, rape and disease before that murdering pervert and his gang arrived. And a happy killing Capt Cook Day to you too

You would be wrong, in New Zealand's case anyways. They were pretty good at cannabilism, too.

Agent Smith · 14-02-2017 02:37PM

"Say it with tribesman!"

whisky_galore · 14-02-2017 02:52PM

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I read a book about him. What a life and what a man. To all of you who think Ireland wouldn't have partook in colony building if we had the power and resources well, you're wrong! Plus without Cook and his ilk we'd not be able to get f*cked up in GAA jerseys for a year in Bondi in our 20s.

If the British weren't in the game, it would be someone else...Germans/Dutch/French/whoever *insert name of coloniser here*

GhostyMcGhost · 14-02-2017 02:58PM

osarusan wrote: »

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your skull's inside out
And your heart too

Roses are red
Captain cook likes rum
Let's go to bed
And try it up the .....

Yeah I can see the hallmark cards now

Dr Crayfish · 14-02-2017 03:04PM

Sure didn't Ireland colonise America and Canada? Do you think they had no affect on the natives way of life?

Stars and Stripes · 14-02-2017 03:17PM

GhostyMcGhost wrote: »

Roses are red
Captain cook likes rum
Let's go to bed
And try it up the .....

Yeah I can see the hallmark cards now

Cook probably did like it up the bum, the British navy was full of sodomites such as Nelson with his " kiss me Hardy " etc

ScumLord · 14-02-2017 03:40PM

Cianmcliam wrote: »

I know Valentine's day is traditionally a day for being overly romantic, but lets not get too carried away. Most of the Polynesian Islands were in a state of constant warfare before contact with the west. To quote Robert Wright:

"Here are some descriptions, by various anthropologists, of various Polynesian islands: “a chronic state of war” (Samoa); “in a state of more or less incessant warfare” (Niue Island); “constant fighting and warfare” (Tongareva). In this regard Polynesian chiefdoms parallel other chiefdoms, such as those in the Cauca Valley of Colombia, where war was “universal, acute, and unending.”"

As for Tahiti, Wright quotes Lawrence Keeley who described "the custom in which a victorious warrior would “pound his vanquished foe’s
corpse flat with his heavy war club, cut a slit through the well-crushed victim, and don him as a trophy poncho.”

There's a bit of a difference between fairly evenly matched tribes fighting each other for whatever reason and a vastly superior culture showing up and just completely taking advantage of the locals, I don't think any tribal war would compare to the Brits showing up in a war ship and being able to wipe locals of the face of the earth. The Brits are doing this while promoting themselves as some sort of vastly superior and more evolved people. They were exactly the same just with better technology and utter contempt for everything not British.

farmchoice · 14-02-2017 03:47PM

Cianmcliam wrote: »

I know Valentine's day is traditionally a day for being overly romantic, but lets not get too carried away. Most of the Polynesian Islands were in a state of constant warfare before contact with the west. To quote Robert Wright:

"Here are some descriptions, by various anthropologists, of various Polynesian islands: “a chronic state of war” (Samoa); “in a state of more or less incessant warfare” (Niue Island); “constant fighting and warfare” (Tongareva). In this regard Polynesian chiefdoms parallel other chiefdoms, such as those in the Cauca Valley of Colombia, where war was “universal, acute, and unending.”"

As for Tahiti, Wright quotes Lawrence Keeley who described "the custom in which a victorious warrior would “pound his vanquished foe’s
corpse flat with his heavy war club, cut a slit through the well-crushed victim, and don him as a trophy poncho.”

i'm going to call shenanigans on that one, it really does not seem doable.

buried · 14-02-2017 03:54PM

farmchoice wrote: »

i'm going to call shenanigans on that one, it really does not seem doable.

You'd be surprised what tribal warriors can do. The Vikings had this thing called the "Blood Eagle" where they'd rip the lungs out of a enemy's back and twist them upwards to look like 'the wings of odin'.

re_shaft · 14-02-2017 03:54PM

They stole his boat and bashed him in, savages.

Riddle101 · 14-02-2017 03:56PM

A shame the same fate never happened to the likes of Hernán Cortés and Francisco Pizarro.

Stars and Stripes · 14-02-2017 03:58PM

Riddle101 wrote: »

A shame the same fate never happened to the likes of Hernán Cortés and Francisco Pizarro.

Yeah Cortés was a serious nasty piece of work all right.

Stars and Stripes · 14-02-2017 04:01PM

ScumLord wrote: »

There's a bit of a difference between fairly evenly matched tribes fighting each other for whatever reason and a vastly superior culture showing up and just completely taking advantage of the locals, I don't think any tribal war would compare to the Brits showing up in a war ship and being able to wipe locals of the face of the earth. The Brits are doing this while promoting themselves as some sort of vastly superior and more evolved people. They were exactly the same just with better technology and utter contempt for everything not British.

"where war was “universal, acute, and unending.” Probably based on accounts by European colonists which was propaganda to dehumanize the natives so the abuses, exploitation and murder could be carried out on them.

topper75 · 14-02-2017 04:01PM

Cianmcliam wrote: »

trophy poncho

And so folks to the prizes...3rd place in this year's Pitch&Putt scratch cup... step up Séamus Murphy!

Happy Killing of Captain Cook Day !!

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