Disappointed by timing of marriage proposal

misc2013 · 07-01-2017 1:33pm #1

I got engaged over Xmas but I'm a bit disappointed with the timing. We'd always planned to marry but I thought we were agreed that completing our family came first. Background - we have one child and are currently going tho treatment in trying for no 2 which is taking alot longer than expected. I started meds a month back and am going for ivf on Monday.

First off, I can't even think about planning a wedding as everything is up in the air. I'm hoping to be pregnant soon and definitely do not want to be pregnant or have newborn at time of wedding. We are giving ivf 6 more months / 2 more cycles before giving up.

We got engaged Xmas eve. I haven't been able to drink alcohol for the past few wks and while Xmas is hard enough, we've had people bringing bubbly and I've been tormented trying to dodge same. I'm disappointed I can't really celebrate the way I'd have liked and there's pressure for an engagement party. Then naturally everyone is asking about wedding plans. I just wish my fiancé had waited til we had definitely finished with / trying for no 2. I just can't get excited. I feel I'm under enough pressure with the ivf. I certainly won't be shopping for a dress anytime soon!

And we can't postpone treatment til after wedding should this cycle fail. I'm 45 and cannot wait any longer. Hence deadline of 6 more months. To be fair to my fiancé, he really wanted us to move to next step and thought it would be a lovely Xmas present and in his innocence, thought it would be a distraction and but I wish we waited another year.

SingItOut · 07-01-2017 1:58pm

Just because you have gotten engaged does not mean you have to get married any time soon. My fiance and I have been engaged for the past four years and have made no plans to actually get married anytime soon. Personally I don't understand the rush to get married as soon as there's a proposal.

You can still do all that other stuff before even thinking about getting married.

MissShihTzu · 07-01-2017 2:01pm

You know, I'm really not too sure where to begin with this.

I think you're incredibly lucky to have a family where so many cannot. Perhaps your fiance thought that by getting engaged you would have something nice to focus on other than 'completing your family'. What's to say your family isn't already complete? IVF is by no means a sure shot deal. And as you're 45, I'm sorry to say even with the precautions you are taking, IVF is extremely unlikely to succeed.

I think you should take the pressure off yourself. Getting stressed isn't going to help you in your quest to be pregnant.

Take everything one step at a time. Make up your mind if it happens - great! If not, make your wedding plans and enjoy your life stress free.

Good luck for Monday. I really do hope your dreams come true.

racso1975 · 07-01-2017 2:04pm

misc2013 wrote: »

First off, I can't even think about planning a wedding as everything is up in the air.

There is no need to think about it. You and your partner are in charge here. Just tell people it wont be anytime soon. Enjoy it for what it is. Your partner making the gesture that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. You have enough stress as is so just put it at the back of your mind.]]Best of luck with the IVF

Ursus Horribilis · 07-01-2017 2:14pm

I hope your partner doesn't know you're thinking like this because to me, you're being incredibly disingenuous. I know IVF is incredibly stressful and that at 45 the odds are stacked against you. But to be getting annoyed at the timing of something that should be incredibly joyous and a good thing...? As the others have said, you don't have to get married just yet. You've enough on your plate for the moment. But please don't take the good out of it.

cactusgal · 07-01-2017 2:32pm

Op, I'd love to have a fiance and a child and the opportunity to try for one more. I think you've got to count your blessings here.

baby and crumble · 07-01-2017 2:55pm

I also want to point out that from his perspective, as an unmarried father his status regards his own children is probably quite up in the air. I think the childres ref a few years ago might have helped but look at it from his perspective.

He loves you, has a family with you already and wants to cement that by getting married which gives the entire family a lot of more legal stability. He's actually
Being very sensible and responsible.

bee06 · 07-01-2017 2:56pm

OP, trying for a baby is the biggest mindf*ck you'll ever experience, especially with "assistance" in my opinion. It twists how you think about everything.

Your fiancé loves you, he wants to marry you and he wants to build a family with you. These are important things ... the rest of it, planning a wedding, the when, the where of it is flexible and up to the two of you. You can plan an elopement for just the three of you in three months or you can wait ten years if you want. Until you know just tell people you want to enjoy being engaged for a while before making plans or tell them to mind their own business.

Toto Wolfcastle · 07-01-2017 3:05pm

You are being irrational. Your husband did a lovely thing.

Please do not let your husband pick up on what you think of the timing. He's facing into IVF just like you are and that's not easy. It's incredibly important that you are both there for each other. If the treatment doesn't work will it really matter that you couldn't celebrate the engagement with bubbly? Either way you're going to need to be united over the next while and being irrational over something that, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't matter will not help.

I hope the IVF goes well for you. Look after each other.

LegacyUser · 07-01-2017 3:54pm

Madness! OP, you know the facts-
IVF has a 20% success rate. A cycle of IVF is around the €6,000 mark.
As a 45 year old female, the incidence of a Down Syndrome baby is 1 in 30.
I'd be taking a good long look at your child& your fiance, & thank your lucky stars for both. The family is completed if you decide it is.
Blow the €6k on a fab holiday, making memories. Knock back the champers, & celebrate your life& your future!!!

mr_edge_to_you · 07-01-2017 4:28pm

I think your reaction is selfish to be honest.

misc2013 wrote: »

We got engaged Xmas eve. I haven't been able to drink alcohol for the past few wks and while Xmas is hard enough, we've had people bringing bubbly and I've been tormented trying to dodge same. I'm disappointed I can't really celebrate the way I'd have liked and there's pressure for an engagement party. Then naturally everyone is asking about wedding plans.

.......because having a party is the most important aspect of getting engaged.

LegacyUser · 07-01-2017 5:14pm

Hi OP I cannot believe how you can be angry or disappointed at something as lovely and thoughtful as a marriage proposal. The first thing that popped into my head was that maybe he wanted you to relax & be more receptive to the treatment, knowing that you have the securing of him being there for you and with you irregardless of the outcome.
I don't think your partner proposed because he is too simple. Quite the opposite, I think he is very clever and well-versed about the way a woman's body works. When you are under pressure or stressed, you will find it more difficult to conceive.

I really hope your partner never finds out about your feelings... I don't want to say harsh things to make you feel bad about yourself but I couldn't believe that someone would actually feel that way

tomthetank · 07-01-2017 5:47pm

Getting engaged doesn't necessarily mean getting married within the year. Or within two or three years, or any arbitrary figure that society might suggest. It means you are committing to spending your life with your partner and getting married at some stage.

I think you should sit down with your OH and discuss plans. Perhaps get through this round of IVF and see what the outcome is before starting any wedding plans. If you get pregnant, you can postpone plans til after the birth, if not you can reassess.

Don't let the stress of it all undermine the lovely life event that has just happened to you and the wonderful, loving and supportive partner that you have. Many people would kill for the same kind of partner in their lives. Many are not so lucky.

eviltwin · 07-01-2017 5:51pm

I can appreciate the coming weeks and months are causing you all sorts of concern and worry but maybe he thought having something concrete to focus on might just help you both deal with the uncertainty of IVF. Maybe this is what HE needs to get through it. Maybe having something positive on the horizon keeps it in perspective for him or reminds him that there is a life beyond IVF.

You are focusing on your needs and your wants but you are in this together and taking this journey together. Don't be hard on him.

The party, the date setting, the talk of weddings can all wait. Its enough to say to people that with everything else going on you can't really think about that yet. They will get it. Good luck with your treatment, I hope you get your baby.

Eimee90 · 07-01-2017 7:16pm

I think people are being very harsh on the Op. The motherly instinct you get when you want to have a baby is over powering. I think it can consume you when things arent going as planned.

However op, look at it from your bf's perspective, i imagine he knows how stressed you've been. This was supposed to be a romantic gesture i imagine. To show you how committed he is to you. I think maybe its hard to see this when you are so lost in something else. I wish you the best

Irish_Elect_Eng · 07-01-2017 7:34pm

If the timing for celebrating was off?
Why did you tell everybody?
Was it a very public proposal?

Wesser · 07-01-2017 7:39pm

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to.pass.
It's about dancing in the rain.

LegacyUser · 07-01-2017 9:18pm

OP I think you are wound very tight about trying for a baby, and this is colouring your view of everything.Understandable, but in this instance very regrettable.
I think you should consider talking to someone about this, along with the IVF.Do fertility clinics offer counselling?As the IVF goes on, you are likely to become more and more emotional , amd if the engagement/wedding is running alongside that, it could all become too much for you.You don't want to end in a situation where you are blaming one thing for affecting the other, or vice versa.
I would certainly advise that you count your blessings and calm down but equally I know in these situations it can be hard to see the wood from the trees.So I suggest you find someone to talk to about this and do your best to see it all in a very positive light.

implausible · 07-01-2017 9:30pm

Having a wedding to plan could be the perfect antidote to the worry of IVF, something which I'd imagine is not helped by stress. A wedding is something definite that you can control, IVF is almost completely out of your control.

He sounds like a gem, he wants to cement the relationship and plan your future together as well as looking out for you.

Toto Wolfcastle · 07-01-2017 10:17pm

elsa21 wrote: »

I think people are being very harsh on the Op. The motherly instinct you get when you want to have a baby is over powering. I think it can consume you when things arent going as planned

I disagree. I think you need to be as realistic as you can be in that situation. I've been there. We went through 2 and a half years of it and ended up with no baby, but we know that we're incredibly lucky to have each other. Fertility treatment does not excuse ridiculous behaviour in other aspects of your relationship. You need to be united.

LegacyUser · 08-01-2017 12:27am

OP, are you serious? You did have the option of saying no.

Eimee90 · 08-01-2017 1:08am

Toto Wolfcastle wrote:

I disagree. I think you need to be as realistic as you can be in that situation. I've been there. We went through 2 and a half years of it and ended up with no baby, but we know that we're incredibly lucky to have each other. Fertility treatment does not excuse ridiculous behaviour in other aspects of your relationship. You need to be united.

I dont see someone who is being riddiculous. I see someone incredibly frustrated. Who maybe has put a lot of money into ivf, so the money for a wedding might not be there. People cope in different ways.

Op, talk to your partner

Big Bag of Chips · 08-01-2017 1:25am

An engagement doesn't mean a wedding within 18 months. And people asking you about the plans are really only making conversation. They don't actually care when/if you get married. They're not thinking about it when they go home. You're obviously under pressure with the IVF and that is magnifying everything. But this is a good thing! It's a nice thing. If people are close enough to you to bring champagne to your house to celebrate your engagement, they're close enough to you to understand why you would abstain.

All the plans you had for after your family is complete are still all there. Nothing has actually changed other than you now have a lovely engagement ring (I assume) and a public commitment to getting married, that wouldn't come as a huge surprise to anyone anyway seeing as you have a child and are hoping for more! Your fiancé has done a lovely thing, and made a lovely gesture to strengthen your family unit at a time when things are tough for you.

pc7 · 08-01-2017 8:20am

I know it's easier said than done but you need to try relax (or as much as is possible when under going treatment). Have a glass of bubbles, I know you are trying to be healthy but one glass won't do any harm and might make you feel normal. Fertility treatment can consume you if you let it, would you try Accupuncture or massage to help relax you. I've been there and the ones that worked where the ones were I kept on living and didn't let it consume me.
It seems like your partner was trying to continue life and not let it be taken over. I think it was a fabulous gesture of his love and commitment to you no matter how things turn out.
Best of luck op I hope things work out as you hope but if they don't don't lose sight of what you have.

witchgirl26 · 09-01-2017 11:45am

OP I think you're getting stressed over nothing in terms of the engagement. My sister got engaged before she had her 2nd. They knew they wanted to have the baby before the wedding so they just didn't book anything until she did get pregnant & even then had the wedding 2 years after the child was born. It doesn't have to all run at the same time.

Also in terms of the engagement party - I don't know many people who do them as big things anymore. The last one I went to was more a gathering in a pub with a toast & that was it. Maybe have a bucks fizz or something small to toast with. If you don't want anyone to know you're trying for number 2, then just drive or have something the next day that would mean you wouldn't drink.

BetsyEllen · 09-01-2017 11:47am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

An engagement doesn't mean a wedding within 18 months. And people asking you about the plans are really only making conversation. They don't actually care when/if you get married. They're not thinking about it when they go home. You're obviously under pressure with the IVF and that is magnifying everything. But this is a good thing! It's a nice thing. If people are close enough to you to bring champagne to your house to celebrate your engagement, they're close enough to you to understand why you would abstain.

This part is important.
People are just making friendly conversation, if someone gets engaged you obviously say 'Oh lovely! When's the wedding?'
If you say next week or 15 years, they don't actually care. It won't upset their day to hear it's not straight away. Friends and family will be happy to just hear your plans, whatever they may be and be a part of it when the time comes.

....... · 09-01-2017 12:53pm

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser · 09-01-2017 12:57pm

I don't get what the big secrecy is about.
Just tell people you're trying for a baby at the moment, so can't drink& don't have time to think about wedding plans. Problem solved.

LegacyUser · 09-01-2017 1:01pm

Total over reaction. Your OH clearly loves you and wants to marry you and sounds like you were pretty engaged already in everything but name considering you've clearly discussed this and made the choice to focus on family first. Maybe he thought it would be distraction from the IVF treatment which you've clearly worked yourself up over. As many have said over and over being engaged does not mean you have to get married in X amount of time. My friends have been engaged for 3 years now and another friend was engaged for 2 months - everyone is different and have different circumstances impacting on their choices.

bee06 · 09-01-2017 2:12pm

whywhywhy wrote: »

I don't get what the big secrecy is about.
Just tell people you're trying for a baby at the moment, so can't drink& don't have time to think about wedding plans. Problem solved.

Not everyone wants people to know they are trying for a baby. I certainly don't.

Neyite · 09-01-2017 2:20pm

It pains me to say this as a mod here but maybe you'd get better feedback on the Conception forum OP.

We got engaged a couple of years ago - exactly the same situation, one small child already and we hoped to build our family. Like you, I'm an 'older' mum so I'm WELL aware of the stats involved in conception in your forties.

The month after I got engaged and ordered my dress, I got a positive pregnancy test and subsequently miscarried. For us, like you, our priority for that small window of time was conception and knew we were facing into fertility treatment. So all thoughts of weddings got shelved. Close family were told why, and understood. Everyone else got fobbed off with vague statements. They do give up asking after the initial buzz wears off.

Like you, my headspace needed to be focused on one or the other, I couldnt do both, for my own sanity. Meds do NOT make fertility treatment easy for anyone, add in all the appointments and taking time off work to get scans and poked and prodded and you have to work later to catch up or whatever. It's massively stressful. I get that.

I also get why you wanted to celebrate your engagement fully without medical treatment hanging over your head. Totally understandable. The effects of the medication have probably impacted on your feelings a lot too.

I think your partner probably wanted to try to find a way to take your mind off the IVF. He probably recognises that you are taking on all the side effects, the risks, and the discomfort involved and wanted to do something nice for you.

We are out the other side of that now, and have finished up with the clinic. A holiday now is our priority now - we need one - and then we will have our small wedding. So have a long engagement if that suits you. And try not to feel disappointed with the timing, you sound like you have a lovely thoughtful man there and it is the thought that counts.

Disappointed by timing of marriage proposal

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