Can/Have you ever stayed friends with an ex after breaking up?

catbear · 26-12-2016 06:00PM

Now this is just perception but from experience women seem to want to push the friends thing more than men.

Are men more inclined to want a clean break?

Edit I'm talking about breakups where's kids aren't involved.

woodchuck · 26-12-2016 06:15PM

catbear wrote: »

Now this is just perception but from experience women seem to want to push the friends thing more than men.

Are men more inclined to want a clean break?

Edit I'm talking about breakups where's kids aren't involved.

Personally I don't think it has anything to do with gender. I think it's more likely that the one doing the breaking up (i.e. the one who is less hurt) is more likely to want to stay friends.

tonycascarino · 26-12-2016 06:17PM

If an ex cheated then there is zero chance one should stay friends unless you are a complete idiot. If it was an amicable breakup then I guess it is ok but personally I would leave the past in the past.

MadYaker · 26-12-2016 06:19PM

Dunno if friends is the word I use but we still go for the odd ride every now again.

foxatron · 26-12-2016 06:29PM

No

boardsuser1 · 26-12-2016 06:34PM

It's bad enough that my ex is sending me messages regularly on viber about anything but the child we have together.

On the plus side it is a phone I use exclusively for her as I do not want her ever having my main number again.

Went through several number when she had it,but nothing in 7 years thank god.

I tend to leave that phone lying around the place so my partner is able to have a look at messages in both directions whenever she wants.

Grayson · 26-12-2016 06:42PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I think if you loved them it's impossible to stay friends

Surely it depends on how you love them? The ancient greeks believed in four types of love, agápe, éros, philía, and storgē.

Now I don't agree that there's just 4 types. I think there's many types. You can have romantic relationships with multiple people over the years and love each differently. Some may involve greater friendship, some may involve more possessiveness. Each relationship is defined by the two people involved.

beks101 · 26-12-2016 07:02PM

Personally no, I've always just moved on. Cut them out as necessary.

I'm not someone who needs many friends anyway, I have my immediate circle and it's never been a priority to see if an ex could become one too when I'm busy trying to get over him. Seems counterproductive.

One_Of_Shanks · 26-12-2016 07:17PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I think if you loved them it's impossible to stay friends

Yep. That's it.

Nonsense pussy-footing around the subject. You're correct.

If you can break up and then sit down for a cup of joe a week later then it wasn't love to begin with.

You can't stay friends. You can't listen to certain songs and it burns when you recall certain memories.

That's love. And it makes you a better person for the scars.

_Kaiser_ · 26-12-2016 07:24PM

No, and really unless there were kids involved, I don't see why you'd want to. I can't imagine hearing about their new relationship or whatever else being particularly worth it.

If however there are kids then you should at least make the effort to be civil anyway. Kids should always come first

Grayson · 26-12-2016 07:37PM

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

No, and really unless there were kids involved, I don't see why you'd want to. I can't imagine hearing about their new relationship or whatever else being particularly worth it.

If however there are kids then you should at least make the effort to be civil anyway. Kids should always come first

For me friendship is the most important part of a relationship. All too often a relationship begins in this cloudy, intense, romantic haze. I've had too many relationships over the years where it's eventually fizzled out and I end up looking at the person and thinking "I don't actually like or respect you".

As I've gotten older I've learned to value friendship and mutual respect more and see that more as a basis of a relationship. Sure those haven't worked out either but at least I'm still friends with them.

catbear · 26-12-2016 07:46PM

KC161 wrote: »

It's bad enough that my ex is sending me messages regularly on viber about anything but the child we have together.

On the plus side it is a phone I use exclusively for her as I do not want her ever having my main number again.

Went through several number when she had it,but nothing in 7 years thank god.

I tend to leave that phone lying around the place so my partner is able to have a look at messages in both directions whenever she wants.

I don't envy you but I can guess why you broke up.

gossamer · 26-12-2016 07:58PM

No. I never felt the inclination to either. If someone broke up with you, or you broke up with them, there's usually a good reason for it. No point in dwelling on the past, same goes for keeping tabs on exes, why bother? LTR breakups are great in a way, they teach you that regardless of what you think, no one is integral to your life.

Burial. · 26-12-2016 08:18PM

Yeah, just so I could bang her friends as a final f*ck you.

https://media.giphy.com/media/2nwTda1ewYssE/giphy.gif

I'm very classy like that

seenitall · 26-12-2016 08:20PM

Grayson wrote: »

possessiveness.

Heck, does that word really have 6 s's in it ?? Wow

Oh yes, I have been doing better than ever lately, at staying friends with exs. It can be a lot of fun, as long as there are no "feelz" involved any more. They are just people, and if they treated you well and were good friends in the first place, then why not? I find that the older I get, I just take things and people as they come, no more heightened emotions, no more big drama. Life is short.

Stealthfins · 26-12-2016 08:27PM

I usually try to be civil and respectful twoards my exe as I don't see any point in ignition of child like contact or engagement of an intriguing nature just to get a ride or attention because I'm lonely or needy.

That's for mentally unstable insecure people,or emotionally messed up brat's.

I'd say hello or chat generally if we're queing up for coffee somewhere, actually that happened recently and we sat down and we had a good chat about our kids etc.

Her kids are way older than my lad.

Staying as an intense friend of an exe is borderline creepy and doesn't give her or him a chance of moving on meeting someone better than me or you for him or her.

Guys are the worst for being creepy freaks muching around their execs like possessive psycho's.

They'll say we're good friends but it's bllsht, it's he's a creep and doesn't want her having a life...

Ten of Swords · 26-12-2016 08:28PM

Burial. wrote: »

Yeah, just so I could bang her friends as a final f*ck you.

That level of bitterness is pretty corrosive tbh

boardsuser1 · 26-12-2016 11:50PM

catbear wrote: »

I don't envy you but I can guess why you broke up.

Tried controlling me basically, now she can't let go even all these years later.

bodice ripper · 26-12-2016 11:53PM

I am very good friends with my ex boyfriend. He lives in the UK, and we travel to see each other. It is entirely doable.

Burial. · 26-12-2016 11:57PM

Ten of Swords wrote: »

That level of bitterness is pretty corrosive tbh

I get sti checked twice a year no corrosion down south thank you very much

Dr Crayfish · 27-12-2016 12:04AM

bodice ripper wrote: »

I am very good friends with my ex boyfriend. He lives in the UK, and we travel to see each other. It is entirely doable.

Do you both have partners now? I don't think many people would be happy with their partners effing off abroad to visit an ex!

_Whimsical_ · 27-12-2016 12:06AM

Train Dragon wrote: »

There's one ex I cant be friends with as I loved her too much, even though I was the one who finished it.

It's almost a compliment to an ex if you cant be just friends with them in my humble opinion.

I think this is occasionally true but relatively rare. A lot of exes are out of your life for a very good reason. I definitely have at least one I would not accept as a friend, who I'd never want in my life again on the basis of him being, in my view, not a very nice person.
I'd definitely think it's more a compliment to want to be friends or at least friendly, particularly after a decent amount of time has passed. In the beginning it's always awkward but after the initial wound has healed I think you're more likely to be ok with having a decent person somewhere in your life.

catbear · 27-12-2016 12:16AM

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I'd definitely think it's more a compliment to want to be friends or at least friendly, particularly after a decent amount of time has passed. In the beginning it's always awkward but after the initial wound has healed I think you're more likely to be ok with having a decent person somewhere in your life.

See this I don't agree with.

When a relationship ends there really isn't anything to salvage unless there's already a common social or professional group to be considered.

This compliment thing is just needy vanity ploy.

The flying mouse · 27-12-2016 12:22AM

What about if the relationship drifts apart, as in you don't live in the same countries, You both call it a day, but then one says we can still be friends, We are mature adults ? Would you keep in contact & drop in to say hello when home if one asked ?

_Whimsical_ · 27-12-2016 12:34AM

catbear wrote: »

See this I don't agree with.

When a relationship ends there really isn't anything to salvage unless there's already a common social or professional group to be considered.

This compliment thing is just needy vanity ploy.

To be honest , I wouldn't think of these things in terms of compliment at all myself, I was just replying to that post and it got me thinking. The people I still think fondly of and happy to greet in the street or if they ring are the people who may have hurt me but I consider genuine, decent people. I'm glad they're doing well, I care if they're not. The people I'd think "oh no" if I saw or wouldn't answer to are the ones I was left with little respect for and would think "this person will be a headf*** now".
Of course that's after the passage of time, it takes a lot of it to get over some people and you can only clearly see them, and your own reaction to them , objecively once all wounds are healed.

catbear · 27-12-2016 12:58AM

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

To be honest , I wouldn't think of these things in terms of compliment at all myself, I was just replying to that post and it got me thinking. The people I still think fondly of and happy to greet in the street or if they ring are the people who may have hurt me but I consider genuine, decent people. I'm glad they're doing well, I care if they're not. The people I'd think "oh no" if I saw or wouldn't answer to are the ones I was left with little respect for and would think "this person will be a headf*** now".
Of course that's after the passage of time, it takes a lot of it to get over some people and you can only clearly see them, and your own reaction to them , objecively once all wounds are healed.

Well I was coming from the point of view that when a relationship has finished on neutral terms, there's no point in trying to create something artificial, like a faux friendship.

Move on. I wouldn't spend any more energy in complimentary friendships. Great if it happens naturally but I see no reason pursue it, unless you live in a small town in the outback where you're stuck with the same people for years.

_Whimsical_ · 27-12-2016 01:06AM

catbear wrote: »

Well I was coming from the point of view that when a relationship has finished on neutral terms, there's no point in trying to create something artificial, like a faux friendship.

Move on. I wouldn't spend any more energy in complimentary friendships. Great if it happens naturally but I see no reason pursue it, unless you live in a small town in the outback where you're stuck with the same people for years.

Absolutely, who needs artifice. I can imagine nothing worse than a "complimentary friendship".
I think we had crossed wires.

catbear · 27-12-2016 01:11AM

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I think we had crossed wires.

Hopefully that's all! I am suspicious we may have crossed paths.

_Whimsical_ · 27-12-2016 01:27AM

catbear wrote: »

Hopefully that's all! I am suspicious we may have crossed paths.

Oh, curious! *raises eyebrow*

Well if you're judging that on these two or three messages know I am imagining you must have an ex who is friendly to all their other exes but is rolling their eyes and giving you their "hmmmph" face everytime they see you coming!

I think you're female though so it's not me, I have no female exes .

catbear · 27-12-2016 01:33AM

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

Oh, curious! *raises eyebrow*

Well if you're judging that on these two or three messages know I am imagining you must have an ex who is friendly to all their other exes but is rolling their eyes and giving you their "hmmmph" face everytime they see you coming!

I think you're female though so it's not me, I have no female exes .

I'm not female but I've had exes who've wanted to make friend projects afterwards. I'll withdraw now while it's safe to do so.

Can/Have you ever stayed friends with an ex after breaking up?

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