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Couples ignoring each other

1356

Comments

  • #62
    Widdershins
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,633 ✭✭✭✭Widdershins


    DivingDuck wrote: »
    Why, though?

    This position honestly baffles me. Why, in this situation, is what you have to say more important and worthy of more, or at least more immediate, attention because it came out of your mouth instead of via a screen?

    Texts, FB updates, newspaper articles, memes— whatever. These things aren't written by kittens or generated by bots. A human wrote them, a human seeking to communicate with other humans, exactly the same intention as when someone opens their mouth to speak. Why is it less worthy of consideration or a speedy response because it didn't happen face to face?

    Erm. If I travelled into the city to meet a friend, they can wait and look at whatever's on the screen later on. Fb statuses can wait. People making the effort to physically be there, should not be expected to. My time is valuable. They either want it or they don't.

    Now, a quick look in a lull or whatever, is a different thing.


  • #63
    Graham
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 17,643 Mod ✭✭✭✭Graham


    Wheeliebin30 wrote: »
    What if it was an important call from his wife about his sick child?

    Then you apologise and take the call, as the agent did.


  • #64
    Wheeliebin30
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,593 ✭✭✭Wheeliebin30


    Graham wrote: »
    Then you apologise and take the call, as the agent did.

    And felt the need to say I know the height of ignorance.

    It's not the height of ignorance but clearly he was getting the daggers for taking the call and had to apologise.


  • #65
    Widdershins
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,633 ✭✭✭✭Widdershins


    Wheeliebin30 wrote: »
    And felt the need to say I know the height of ignorance.

    It's not the height of ignorance but clearly he was getting the daggers for taking the call and had to apologise.

    Assumptions. He was not. I was surprised he apologised at all as in my experience a lot of people live with their phones surgically attached.

    That was his belief and I think he was unusually professional about it.

    It was said fairly lightly as well, he didn't self flagellate himself. I liked him and thought he was a nice fella. Suspicious minds seem to thrive on boards.


  • #66
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Wheeliebin30 wrote: »
    And felt the need to say I know the height of ignorance.

    It's not the height of ignorance but clearly he was getting the daggers for taking the call and had to apologise.

    How is that clear from what was said? Making up your scenario there.


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  • #67
    DivingDuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,396 ✭✭✭DivingDuck


    Widdershins wrote: »
    Erm. If I travelled into the city to meet a friend, they can wait and look at whatever's on the screen later on. Fb statuses can wait. People making the effort to physically be there, should not be expected to. My time is valuable. They either want it or they don't.

    Now, a quick look in a lull or whatever, is a different thing.

    I completely disagree. I like to be able to reach my friends and family ASAP, and we're always willing to wait a moment or two so somebody else can respond to a question or someone's news. I'd go mad waiting for a response to a question I had knowing someone else was just sitting around talking about nothing, and I'd never impose that on someone else, either.

    I see it less as weighing the value of my time and more about how I can extend consideration to others and receive the same in return.

    Different communication styles for different folks, I guess.


  • #68
    BorneTobyWilde
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37,593 ✭✭✭✭BorneTobyWilde


    IN all fairness you would rarely see a Irish couple walking hand in hand, I do notice that couples from other countries ie tourist do walk hand in hand, with their kids following.
    But then again Irish relationships are based on sex, some guy and girl have sex. They then have sex again, then a week turned into a month and a month into a year and they end up together through nothing but a random encounter. Then next thing a kid in on the way and these two people who hate each other are living together.
    It's basically 80% of Irish relationships . I believe in love, a sense of wow how lucky am I to be holding her hand.


  • #69
    Widdershins
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,633 ✭✭✭✭Widdershins


    DivingDuck wrote: »
    I completely disagree. I like to be able to reach my friends and family ASAP, and we're always willing to wait a moment or two so somebody else can respond to a question or someone's news. I'd go mad waiting for a response to a question I had knowing someone else was just sitting around talking about nothing, and I'd never impose that on someone else, either.

    I see it less as weighing the value of my time and more about how I can extend consideration to others and receive the same in return.

    Different communication styles for different folks, I guess.

    ''A moment or two'' is not the same as being glued to the screen.


  • #70
    Widdershins
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,633 ✭✭✭✭Widdershins


    DivingDuck wrote: »
    I completely disagree. I like to be able to reach my friends and family ASAP, and we're always willing to wait a moment or two so somebody else can respond to a question or someone's news. I'd go mad waiting for a response to a question I had knowing someone else was just sitting around talking about nothing, and I'd never impose that on someone else, either.

    I see it less as weighing the value of my time and more about how I can extend consideration to others and receive the same in return.

    Different communication styles for different folks, I guess.

    It's about being present mentally as well as bodily. If you think the other person's talking about nothing then I don't know what to say. Maybe you have dull friends.

    Another thing is that you keep it brief if it's an important call. I have taken calls in meetings and only took the necessary time to get the message across. They were important family related calls.


  • #71
    DivingDuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,396 ✭✭✭DivingDuck


    Widdershins wrote: »
    ''A moment or two'' is not the same as being glued to the screen.

    I had a longer post written, but there's no point giving specific examples.

    Long story short: I'd rather have some of a person's attention all of the time than all of someone's attention some of the time.

    It's as valid a communication preference as any other.


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  • #72
    Yourself isit
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,257 ✭✭✭Yourself isit


    pilly wrote: »
    I'm genuinely shocked that most seem to think this is okay.

    I understand some couples don't chat away all the time but if the person you're with is too boring to have some interaction with whilst having a meal together then why not just stay at home? I don't get it? I would rather be eating alone.

    Coffee shop in the morning. Not a night out. Not talking at a night time restaurant is a bit weird. Not talking the Morning after the night before is common.

    Doesn't have to be a relationship either. I went on a stag night a few months ago with close friends. The nights were raucous, the next day breakfast was quiet. Nobody talked much until we got the beers in again.


  • #73
    Graham
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 17,643 Mod ✭✭✭✭Graham


    Wheeliebin30 wrote: »
    he was getting the daggers for taking the call and had to apologise.

    either that or he had some manners and felt an apology was appropriate.


  • #74
    Widdershins
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,633 ✭✭✭✭Widdershins


    Graham wrote: »
    either that or he had some manners and felt an apology was appropriate.

    Yep. He was trying to sell me a house. It was fine that he took the call, he didn't keep me waiting long.


  • #75
    DivingDuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,396 ✭✭✭DivingDuck


    Widdershins wrote: »
    It's about being present mentally as well as bodily. If you think the other person's talking about nothing then I don't know what to say. Maybe you have dull friends.

    Another thing is that you keep it brief if it's an important call. I have taken calls in meetings and only took the necessary time to get the message across. They were important family related calls.

    I don't consider being present bodily to be important with anyone other than a sexual/romantic partner, to be honest, so clearly we're on very different pages to begin with.

    Business situations are different; they're time-dependent and financially motivated, thus lacking the consideration you'd extend to a friend. I would never expect someone I was dealing with on a business matter to hold on while I texted my mammy. I would always expect a friend to do so, and I would do the same for them.

    Long conversations in person always end up with moments where you're shooting the breeze. I don't think that means I know dull people, it just means we're comfortable with one another and we don't live the lives of action movie characters.


  • #76
    Widdershins
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,633 ✭✭✭✭Widdershins


    DivingDuck wrote: »
    I don't consider being present bodily to be important with anyone other than a sexual/romantic partner, to be honest, so clearly we're on very different pages to begin with.

    Business situations are different; they're time-dependent and financially motivated, thus lacking the consideration you'd extend to a friend. I would never expect someone I was dealing with on a business matter to hold on while I texted my mammy. I would always expect a friend to do so, and I would do the same for them.

    Long conversations in person always end up with moments where you're shooting the breeze. I don't think that means I know dull people, it just means we're comfortable with one another and we don't live the lives of action movie characters.

    Texting your mammy is fine in my book. Unless you have unusually looong chats with mammy in which case I'd leave you to it, but most people don't-they just get some information across or make arrangements.
    I'm talking about browsing the internet/facebook and generally acting as if the other person isn't there or is too boring to make an effort to converse with. I suspect it could also be shyness. I don't know.

    I mean being overall present, not every second gazing into their eyes.
    You should have some connection with and respect for the friend who is there.


  • #77
    SteM
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,254 ✭✭✭SteM


    Tilikum wrote: »
    Recently having a cup of coffee with the gf. A couple in their 60s walked in and sat at the table next to us.
    He took out his phone, she took out her iPad.

    Not one word did they say to each other while they were there. I said to the misses 'wtf is wrong with people today'

    She replied 'they probably have nothing left to say to each other'

    Yeah, that's wrong them? I mean the least they could do sit there commenting on other people's behaviour! Bloody 60 year olds.


  • #78
    GingerLily
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    I'm not always the most chatty in the morning, it's nice to be in your partners company and not have to make small talk.


  • #79
    Lux23
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    They are probably just comfortable in each other's company. You see it with older couples in restaurants/bars too except they don't tend to be messing with their phones.


  • #80
    SteM
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,254 ✭✭✭SteM


    DivingDuck wrote: »
    I completely disagree. I like to be able to reach my friends and family ASAP, and we're always willing to wait a moment or two so somebody else can respond to a question or someone's news. I'd go mad waiting for a response to a question I had knowing someone else was just sitting around talking about nothing, and I'd never impose that on someone else, either.

    I see it less as weighing the value of my time and more about how I can extend consideration to others and receive the same in return.

    Different communication styles for different folks, I guess.

    This sounds obnoxious to be honest. Why are you more important than anyone else? It must be really wearing being your friend, always waiting for a reply straight away.


  • #81
    DivingDuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,396 ✭✭✭DivingDuck


    Widdershins wrote: »
    Texting your mammy is fine in my book. Unless you have unusually looong chats with mammy in which case I'd leave you to it, but most people don't-they just get some information across or make arrangements.
    I'm talking about browsing the internet/facebook and generally acting as if the other person isn't there or is too boring to make an effort to converse with. I suspect it could also be shyness. I don't know.

    I mean being overall present, not every second gazing into their eyes.
    You should have some connection with and respect for the friend who is there.

    I guess I just don't feel that "there" makes much of a difference. Obviously if you engage someone for a chat (online or in person!), you should chat to them, and not ignore them, but I don't think there's anything rude about touching base with the other important people in you're life while you're at it.

    I'd never sit around reading the news while I was talking to someone. FB is kind of a difficult one, though. I hate it myself and avoid it as much as possible, but I know a lot of people use it for their primary communication tool and they don't bother sending messages outside of it. So you go on to see if anything important has happened, and you end up sucked into non-urgent ramblings or having to scroll past loads of stuff. I can understand how someone could spend ages looking at FB even when they didn't mean to.

    As for couples... If you spend tens of hours every week with someone, you'd be hard pressed to talk for all of it. I can understand how people in that situation might want to go out for a coffee and a snack and sit quietly enjoying the atmosphere and food/drink, but not feel particularly like engaging in chat.


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  • #82
    DivingDuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,396 ✭✭✭DivingDuck


    SteM wrote: »
    This sounds obnoxious to be honest. Why are you more important than anyone else? It must be really wearing being your friend, always waiting for a reply straight away.

    You seem to have grossly misunderstood the arrangement I'm discussing.

    I'm not more important than anybody, which is why I'm prepared to stand with my thumb up my backside while my friends and family reply to messages from people other than me as I sit there in front of them. They would then do the same for me.

    It's a reciprocal relationship for all parties, not one person cracking the whip and demanding all of the attention all of the time. I don't know where you got that from at all.


  • #83
    Widdershins
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,633 ✭✭✭✭Widdershins


    DivingDuck wrote: »
    I guess I just don't feel that "there" makes much of a difference. Obviously if you engage someone for a chat (online or in person!), you should chat to them, and not ignore them, but I don't think there's anything rude about touching base with the other important people in you're life while you're at it.

    I'd never sit around reading the news while I was talking to someone. FB is kind of a difficult one, though. I hate it myself and avoid it as much as possible, but I know a lot of people use it for their primary communication tool and they don't bother sending messages outside of it. So you go on to see if anything important has happened, and you end up sucked into non-urgent ramblings or having to scroll past loads of stuff. I can understand how someone could spend ages looking at FB even when they didn't mean to.

    As for couples... If you spend tens of hours every week with someone, you'd be hard pressed to talk for all of it. I can understand how people in that situation might want to go out for a coffee and a snack and sit quietly enjoying the atmosphere and food/drink, but not feel particularly like engaging in chat.

    For me, it depends. Every situation is a bit different. However, as far as meeting up with a friend or lover goes, if it's going to take an inordinate amount of time to scroll through a website to get to something, I will not do it and I would expect them not to either. If the conversation is so dull that they fill in the time by touching base with people online, that's another reason to absquatulate in a hurry. For me as much as the phone user. I know what a comfortable, companionable silence is like.

    You speak of one person cracking the whip and demanding the attention but you're missing the fact that they are there giving of their attention too. And if you're reasonable then no, you don't expect undivided attention.


  • #84
    Bacchus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,758 ✭✭✭Bacchus


    As someone who had his last relaxing weekend coffee and paper in a cafe (for the 4th successive weekend.... seriously baby, be born already!), my wife and I love nothing more than to spend our Saturday afternoon in a comfy cafe with a coffee, slice of cake and a newspaper. It's just nice to sit in each others company and be happy that the other is having an enjoyable Saturday. If we want to chat, we'll chat but there's nothing odd about reading a book, a paper or something on your phone/laptop. We don't have some need to fill every moment of our lives with chat. A quiet coffee and cake in a cafe on a Saturday is one of life's simple pleasures.


  • #85
    DivingDuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,396 ✭✭✭DivingDuck


    Widdershins wrote: »
    For me, it depends. Every situation is a bit different. However, as far as meeting up with a friend or lover goes, if it's going to take an inordinate amount of time to scroll through a website to get to something, I will not do it and I would expect them not to either. If the conversation is so dull that they fill in the time by touching base with people online, that's another reason to absquatulate in a hurry. For me as much as the phone user. I know what a comfortable, companionable silence is like.

    Different strokes, etc.

    I admit I can't understand the anger in this thread over other people's preference in communication styles. Crazy accusations coming from all sides here...!

    On the plus side, this thread taught me a new word even my spellchecker doesn't know, so I think I'll be grateful for that, and quit while I'm ahead.


  • #86
    SteM
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,254 ✭✭✭SteM


    DivingDuck wrote: »
    You seem to have grossly misunderstood the arrangement I'm discussing.

    I'm not more important than anybody, which is why I'm prepared to stand with my thumb up my backside while my friends and family reply to messages from people other than me as I sit there in front of them. They would then do the same for me.

    It's a reciprocal relationship for all parties, not one person cracking the whip and demanding all of the attention all of the time. I don't know where you got that from at all.

    No. I'll quote you
    I'd go mad waiting for a response to a question I had knowing someone else was just sitting around talking about nothing

    Why is that you have say via text or message more important than 2 people talking face to face? It's not, no matter frivolous you deem their conversation.

    Sounds like only child syndrome to me.


  • #87
    cbreeze
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 901 ✭✭✭cbreeze


    What would Boards be without OPs?

    It is very unusual these days in public to see anyone not on a device!


  • #88
    Widdershins
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,633 ✭✭✭✭Widdershins


    DivingDuck wrote: »
    Different strokes, etc.

    I admit I can't understand the anger in this thread over other people's preference in communication styles. Crazy accusations coming from all sides here...!

    On the plus side, this thread taught me a new word even my spellchecker doesn't know, so I think I'll be grateful for that, and quit while I'm ahead.

    Phone dictionaries are awful.:)


  • #89
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 24,713 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    It was a weekend morning, people like to enjoy their breakfast and catch up on the news, the sport that's happening that day etc be it on the phone or in the news paper.

    I love going out for breakfast on a sat morning with my oh and enjoying a long breakfast with both of us reading away on newspapers or phones and having small chats here and there. Who wants to be stuck there talking for the sake of it like one or two people appear to be suggesting. Maybe for people who don't eat out often this stands out more but I'd be eating out multiple times per week so hardly something unique that I can't be checking the score in the football etc.

    Sure next thing we will be told sitting at home watching tv is terrible we should be talking rather than listening to the show.


  • #90
    DivingDuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,396 ✭✭✭DivingDuck


    SteM wrote: »
    Why is that you have say via text or message more important than 2 people talking face to face? It's not, no matter frivolous you deem their conversation.

    It is not a matter of my importance. As I've said numerous times, I am happy to wait for someone else's attention while they deal with other people. You seem determined to ignore that, for some reason.

    Nobody is more important; everyone is treated equally at all times. The only difference is that this sort of arrangement doesn't favour the individual who's physically present and puts digital communications on par with face-to-face ones.


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  • #91
    CalamariFritti
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,293 ✭✭✭CalamariFritti


    To be fair when you're together for so long there is not much that actually needs to be said all the time. Nothing that wasn't said before or that wasn't talked about yesterday.

    And the time of murmuring sweet nothings in public is probably years behind them too.

    That's not being bitter or numb, that's just the way it is. One of those things that long term relationships will have to survive if they are to survive.

    I mean how often can you talk about something like this that and the other thing to your partner until it repeats itself? So you talk about stuff that happens and sometimes there isn't stuff happening and then you say nothing. That doesn't mean you hate each other.

    In a way isn't that a sign of real intimacy when you can spend time together without the need of permanent talking?


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