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Mate's wife is cheating on him, should I tell him?

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    #62
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    MeatTwoVeg wrote: »
    Far too many people like to elect themselves as the moral arbiter of others.

    Not what the OP has asked though. He has asked whether he should hand on the _information_. Giving someone information for them to do with as they will is the _opposite_ of being "the moral arbiter of others". It is giving them the information so that they can then do and be their own moral arbiter with it.


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    #63
    Winterlong
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,759 ✭✭✭Winterlong


    everlast75 wrote: »
    Any newbie that posts a thread like this should be obliged to report back here on what happens, otherwise I call bullshít.

    PS - I think you should tell him, but make sure you have proof in case she denies it and he starts to lean towards believing her. If you lose a friend, you lose a friend, but you did the right thing.

    + 1 on this.


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    #64
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,585 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    Subject: Your wife is cheating on you

    Text: Your wife is cheating on you

    From: yourwifeischeatingonyou@gmail.com



    Sent from MD403's iphone


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    #65
    murpho999
    Registered Users Posts: 28,444 ✭✭✭✭murpho999


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Very obviously and easily.

    Most people are closer to their wives than their friends. Or they should be, contract for life, mother of the kids etc. So if a friend says the wife was bad, and the wife convinces her husband she wasn't, then the friend goes...a troublemaker, why would he say that etc.

    I'm not saying he shouldn't tell, I'm simply saying often the messenger gets shot and there is a very simple explanation.

    Still does not mean it's not the right thing to do. How would that friendship be if the husband found out later that his friend knew and said nothing.

    I think if the OP approaches it right and tells the friend in the correct way then he will not lose a friend.


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    #66
    Conall Cernach
    Registered Users Posts: 1,933 ✭✭✭Conall Cernach


    For me, if I were in the OP's shoes, it would depend on how convinced I was that she was having an affair. If I saw her in a restaurant with a man then maybe that's something innocent. He may be a brother or platonic male friend who is trusted by the husband. If I saw her dancing sexily in a nightclub with a strange man then maybe he's her gay salsa teacher or something like that. Even if a third party told me that he is having an affair with her then maybe he's lying or taking the piss. It's hard to give an informed opinion based on the scant evidence offered by the OP. I might wait until my friend broached the subject and voiced some suspicions of his own then I'd add in my own "evidence".

    But, if I were utterly convinced that she was cheating, like if I had caught her in flagrante delicto, then I would tell my friend right away. I would want my friend to tell me in similar circumstances. He will probably find out sometime anyway and the sooner he knows the better in my opinion so that he can perhaps attempt to save his marriage. If she decides to leave her husband for this other fella and it comes out of the blue for my friend then he will be completely unprepared and could find himself on the street without access or custody rights to his children.


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    #67
    TheChizler
    Registered Users Posts: 9,442 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    I would talk to her first OP. You don't know the dynamics of their relationship. He could know and just want to keep it to the three of them, and be mortified if he knew other people knew. I'd talk to her since she's the one who wasn't subtle about it and see what her reaction is before doing anything else.


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    #68
    GavRedKing
    Registered Users Posts: 53,262 ✭✭✭✭GavRedKing


    Kill the wife and the lover, than tell your mate.

    He'll understand.


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    #69
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    GavRedKing wrote: »
    Kill the wife and the lover, than tell your mate.

    He'll understand.

    And what about the cook and the thief?


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    #70
    AlanG
    Registered Users Posts: 1,419 ✭✭✭AlanG


    If this is more than a one off snog or something tell your friend what you heard / saw. Don't pass any judgement on it. Don't even call it cheating. Let him make the judgements. It may be that he knows already and is staying with her for the sake of the kids or for some other reason. If this is the case then be ready to support him and promise to keep your mouth shut. If he knows and she is being careless then you're just letting him know she is being careless and the kids may get slagged in school.

    Do not under any circumstances call her a bitch / slut etc. even if he does. Just say what she did is wrong. Support him but give him a way out that can save face. There is a good chance even if they break up over it they will be back together in a few months and you will still want to be part of his life.
    If you spoke to anyone about it don't tell him.
    If you confront her then chances are when they get back together she will not want you around to remind him of her infidelity so best to avoid her until he knows and then if you talk to her just say you said what you seen as any friend would do and it is up to them how they conduct their marriage. Give her a way to save face too or you will be shut out should they stay together.


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    #71
    Why_oh_why
    Registered Users Posts: 124 ✭✭Why_oh_why


    Tell him and

    1. He doesnt believe you - friend lost
    2. He confronts her, they sort it out. She won't want him to have anything to do with you - friend lost.
    3. He thanks you, but she gets the house & kids - pressure on your friendship

    Don't tell him and you can't do anything with them because you know what she's at - friendship diluted.

    My advice you move on let their marriage take its course and if it does go wallop be there as a friend. If they carry on let them. Ignorance is bliss but in the end he'll find out himself and its his gift to find.


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    #72
    riclad
    Registered Users Posts: 8,184 ✭✭✭riclad


    Type out a letter on your pc, print it ,say your wife is cheating ,from a concerned friend
    drop it in the letterbox when you know the wife is gone out.
    He deserves to know , he could be in danger from getting an sti from his wife.
    he should go for a check up.
    http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/246491.php
    whether you name the man involved is another matter .
    it could be awkward if he is a co worker or his wifes boss .
    She could lose her job if theres an argument between the 2 men


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    #73
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    I'd be inclined to tell him without telling him. If you saw her on a night out with this guy then ask him who the guy was that you saw her with.


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    #74
    razorblunt
    Registered Users Posts: 17,300 ✭✭✭✭razorblunt


    If he's a mate, I'd keep my nose out.

    If he was a friend, I'd tell him for sure.

    I don't associate mate with being someone you're that close to!
    Pedantry aside, if you're not good friends with him, I'd leave well alone, if he was a close friend, I'd tell him in a heartbeat, the idea of "he might be angry with me" wouldn't enter my mind. What I would consider is how he'd feel if I'd known and said nothing or went to his wife first rather than him.


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    #75
    Omackeral
    Registered Users Posts: 32,956 ✭✭✭✭Omackeral


    Ride the husband yourself.


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    #76
    Rakish Paddy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 758 ✭✭✭Rakish Paddy


    You're sailing right into a sh*t-typhoon. Better haul in the jib before it gets covered in sh*t.


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    #77
    billybonkers
    Registered Users Posts: 2,292 ✭✭✭billybonkers


    Imagine you didn't tell him, he found out about her cheating and then also found out you knew and said nothing.....


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    #78
    RobertKK
    Registered Users Posts: 33,740 ✭✭✭✭RobertKK


    This is so simple.

    You have your phone on recording...you go to the wife, you say you have evidence she is cheating and you threaten to blackmail her and that you will keep it secret if she pays up.
    She will then likely deny or own up.
    If she denies...you say you are certain so drop some detail or details and say you have evidence to back this up.
    This will panic her and she will likely admit if she is indeed guilty.
    You say you want some small amount of money for now to stay quiet.
    So when you have all the evidence gathered, you go to your friend and show them the evidence.

    But then they may be having an open relationship in their marriage...


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    #79
    MeatTwoVeg
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 861 ✭✭✭MeatTwoVeg


    billybonkers wrote:
    Imagine you didn't tell him, he found out about her cheating and then also found out you knew and said nothing.....


    Imagine you tell him, he gets so angry he punches you and then you get run over by a bus the next day.

    Why risk it?


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    #80
    barneystinson
    Registered Users Posts: 4,683 ✭✭✭barneystinson


    RobertKK wrote: »
    This is so simple.

    You have your phone on recording...you go to the wife, you say you have evidence she is cheating and you threaten to blackmail her and that you will keep it secret if she pays up.
    She will then likely deny or own up.
    If she denies...you say you are certain so drop some detail or details and say you have evidence to back this up.
    This will panic her and she will likely admit if she is indeed guilty.
    You say you want some small amount of money for now to stay quiet.
    So when you have all the evidence gathered, you go to your friend and show them the evidence.

    But then they may be having an open relationship in their marriage...

    Yeah, that sounds really simple alright... :rolleyes:


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    #81
    RobertKK
    Registered Users Posts: 33,740 ✭✭✭✭RobertKK


    barneystinson wrote: »
    Yeah, that sounds really simple alright... :rolleyes:

    Evidence based.

    People here wanting the person to go to the friend with no hard evidence, better to have it coming from the mare's own mouth.


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    #82
    Thundercats Ho
    Registered Users Posts: 2,538 ✭✭✭Thundercats Ho


    kylith wrote: »
    I'd be inclined to tell him without telling him. If you saw her on a night out with this guy then ask him who the guy was that you saw her with.

    I'd be inclined to do the same tbh.
    If you flat out tell him, then there's nothing but complete turmoil for everyone involved, as it's now in the open and has to be dealt with. he may know in any case.
    If you give him a subtle steer, then it's up to him whether he wants to get to the bottom of it, or remain blissfully ignorant.


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    #83
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 11,614 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    We don't know the extent of the OPs 'proof'. He claims its bullet proof, but unless he walked in on them doing it, I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

    What if the OP tells his mate and his mate beats her up? Or worse?

    If it was me I'd keep my mouth shut.


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    #84
    Rory28
    Registered Users Posts: 1,190 ✭✭✭Rory28


    I would probably tell him but they could just have a kinky relationship. If you believe the internet every other bloke is a cuck so maybe he is into that sort of thing and you are walking into the most awkward conversation in the history of spoken language.

    Best to up sticks and join the Foreign Legion. 5 years in Africa will clear your head enough to make a real decision.


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    #85
    FunLover18
    Registered Users Posts: 6,793 ✭✭✭FunLover18


    Deleted User wrote:
    What if the OP tells his mate and his mate beats her up? Or worse?


    Not his responsibility. His mate's actions are his own, as are those of the OH involved. Saying someone deserves to know that their partner is cheating on them is not the same as saying that the cheater deserves to be beaten.

    OP, I'm sure it's been said but if you tell your friend (which I think you should), you will definitely need the evidence to back it up.


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    #86
    Avatar MIA
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,750 ✭✭✭Avatar MIA


    FunLover18 wrote: »
    OP, I'm sure it's been said but if you tell your friend (which I think you should), you will definitely need the evidence to back it up.

    OP: 'Sorry, John, I've 100% proof your wife is cheating on you.'
    Husband: 'Oh, my god, my worst fear. How... (pauses to wipe snot from his nose)... how do you know?'
    OP: 'You know my psychic Cat, well she meowed that Mary was having an affair.'


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    #87
    nice_guy80
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,723 ✭✭✭nice_guy80


    when did we start calling friends mates?


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    #88
    Little CuChulainn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,624 ✭✭✭Little CuChulainn


    People are saying you might lose a friend if you tell him but really what kind of friendship have you if you don't tell him something this important. If he really is a mate then you should be telling him. There might be some blowback on you but a lot less if he finds out you knew and never told him.


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    #89
    mikhail
    Registered Users Posts: 3,863 ✭✭✭mikhail


    nice_guy80 wrote: »
    when did we start calling friends mates?
    late Middle English: from Middle Low German māt(e ) ‘comrade,’ of West Germanic origin; related to meat (the underlying notion being that of eating together).

    So about four or five centuries ago.


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    #90
    donegaLroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,379 ✭✭✭donegaLroad


    OP, if your mate is the depressive type, be very careful about what you say to him. In fact, get him out for a few drinks and ask him in a direct way how things are going with him.

    If he is in need of a listening ear, it may all come out.. and who knows, maybe he is ok with everything and is thinking he is well rid of her.


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    #91
    py2006
    Registered Users Posts: 9,847 ✭✭✭py2006


    banned after 2 posts??


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