Mate's wife is cheating on him, should I tell him?

md403

Would you tell someone if you knew for certain that their OH was cheating on them? I know a married woman who is cheating on her husband. He is a mate. There's no uncertainty, she is definitely cheating... I've seen her with this other guy. But I don't want to loose a friend, she might deny it and I might be the messenger who gets shot. But then I know that if I was in his shoes , i would want to know. They have young children. Any advice, thanks.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

I'd rather be told. If he's your mate, let him know everything you do and let him make his own decision based on that.

oppenheimer1

Say nothing

Rackstar

You might as well try bang her as well

Ted111

md403 wrote: »

to loose a friend

You certainly do have loose friends.

You could arrange for a third party, who your mate doesn't know to phone him up and give him an anonymous tip off. It will need some piece of detail, like the name of the bloke, to be credible.

Outlaw Pete

Send him an anonymous email. Can't shoot a messenger that you don't know the identity of.

wil

No uncertainty? So it IS YOU.
Just let him know so he can at least express his dissatisfaction. That's what a real mate would do.

DMcL1971

I think your mate needs to be told. However you run the risk of ruining your friendship. Why not send an anonymous typed letter to your mate. That way he gets the information and there is no posssibility of any trouble for you.

Nervous Wreck

Were I in your position OP, I'd like to think I'd put my friend first and tell him. Resorting to subterfuge to maintain your friendship is bad advice. Your concern should be for your friend, not how mad he may get at you.

Edups

He's going to likely go spare OP, that's fair to say. He'll be mad at you for telling him, maybe. But how would he feel if you didn't tell him? He'll feel like **** he'll be distrustful but the last thing he needs is to doubt your friendship. I can completely see why you wouldn't want to tell him he's your friend and you don't want to say something thats going to cause hurt, but by the same token, you owe it to him BECAUSE he's your friend.

She will deny it. But a quick look at her emails or texts will confirm. If she's not willing to show then it's fairly clear there's something.

And don't go and say to her you know. Fact is he may be suspicious already. Your statement may be confirmation.

Widdershins

md403 wrote: »

Would you tell someone if you knew for certain that their OH was cheating on them? I know a married woman who is cheating on her husband. He is a mate. There's no uncertainty, she is definitely cheating... I've seen her with this other guy. But I don't want to loose a friend, she might deny it and I might be the messenger who gets shot. But then I know that if I was in his shoes , i would want to know. They have young children. Any advice, thanks.

It feels like the right thing to tell him but it's easy to do that, and wash your hands of it. What about watching their marriage break up? You can't be sure he hasn't done the same or..any number of things.


I'd suggest you tell her you know.

Edups

Widdershins wrote: »

It feels like the right thing to tell him but it's easy to do that, and wash your hands of it. What about watching their marriage break up? You can't be sure he hasn't done the same or..any number of things.


I'd suggest you tell her you know.

????

So he should be left there possibly thinking everything's golden when his wife is riding someone else? Jesus some people need to get a grip on themselves.

Canis Lupus

Why would the guy get angry with his mate for being told? They're mates...

OP tell him otherwise you're not really a mate.

I've said mate too many times in this one post.

Widdershins

Edups wrote: »

????

So he should be left there possibly thinking everything's golden when his wife is riding someone else? Jesus some people need to get a grip on themselves.

If he tells her she might stop. But ultimately it's between the two of them. I used to think it was best to tell the person but I don't think I could bring myself to do it now. People have affairs and survive but it has to be brought into the open by one of them. For all we know she could be planning to come clean and try to make amends.

And no need for the snarky remark. it doesn't make you look particularly smart

Turtle_

Widdershins wrote: »

If he tells her she might stop. But ultimately it's between the two of them. I used to think it was best to tell the person but I don't think I could bring myself to do it now. People have affairs and survive but it has to be brought into the open by one of them. For all we know she could be planning to come clean and try to make amends.

And no need for the snarky remark. it doesn't make you look particularly smart

I get what you're saying, and it is a valid point.

In this case though, the Op knows... It's likely that other people know. At this stage she's making a fool of him. He needs to know.

Atlantic Dawn

I'd tell him straight up if there were no kids, if there were kids I'd likely go to her first and tell her to cop the fook on and see if it can be left at that.

Edups

Widdershins wrote: »

If he tells her she might stop. But ultimately it's between the two of them. I used to think it was best to tell the person but I don't think I could bring myself to do it now. People have affairs and survive but it has to be brought into the open by one of them. For all we know she could be planning to come clean and try to make amends.

And no need for the snarky remark. it doesn't make you look particularly smart

Oh my days.

Hey look I know you've had jonny riding you the last few weeks but stop ye?

Cop on. She is taking the piss. The longer it goes on the worse it gets. When they married they signed a contract to each other and she's broken her end. It's completely out of order to keep that man in the dark about his wife - having an affair. If she does stop anyway then what? He never knows? He'd have been betrayed by his friend and wife.

Edups

Canis Lupus wrote: »

Why would the guy get angry with his mate for being told? They're mates...

OP tell him otherwise you're not really a mate.

I've said mate too many times in this one post.

I doubt he'd be angry with the OP. Just angry and the OP happens to be the one there.

pappyodaniel

Maybe it's best to approach the wife and tell her you know the craic. It's a sh1tty position she has put you in so tell her in no uncertain terms that she has to tell him or you'll do it yourself.

Widdershins

Edups wrote: »

Oh my days.

Hey look I know you've had jonny riding you the last few weeks but stop ye?

Cop on. She is taking the piss. The longer it goes on the worse it gets. When they married they signed a contract to each other and she's broken her end. It's completely out of order to keep that man in the dark about his wife - having an affair. If she does stop anyway then what? He never knows? He'd have been betrayed by his friend and wife.

Don't underestimate the power of shame and guilt..if his friend decides not to tell him it's to avoid breaking his heart. And what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve.

Also..cop on? quite the yippy little terrier aren't you?

Edups

Widdershins wrote: »

Don't underestimate the power of shame and guilt..if his friend decides not to tell him it's to avoid breaking his heart. And what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve.

Also..cop on? quite the yippy little terrier aren't you?

That's not the point. He shouldn't be left in a marriage with a woman who did that. Say she stops now... who's to say, 6 months later she's at it again?

Are you trying to be quippy?

Hammer89

Outlaw Pete wrote: »

Send him an anonymous email. Can't shoot a messenger that you don't know the identity of.

Yeah just lash #31# in the subject bar.

Edups

Hammer89 wrote: »

Yeah just lash #31# in the subject bar.

... make a throwaway email? :rolleyes: I heard they're free nowadays too.

Hammer89

Yes I think we both know I wasn't being entirely serious, don't we.

No one can decide whether you should tell him or not. It's a decision only you can make, much might depend on whether there are kids, just how sure is sure, whether it can be backed up in the likely event that the messenger gets shot...and whatever happens between them, you getting serious flak is the most likely outcome of all, so prepare for that too.

Avatar MIA

If there are young kids his second thought on being told is going to be wondering if the kids are all his.

His first thought is going to be on the betrayal and you might get the brunt of that, but that should be fleeting. If you're friends you should be up for that. As for an anonymous letter/email. That's all the poor bastard needs, he'll be paranoid enough as it is.

AH reply, Any chance of bribe sex?

Muff Richardson

Canis Lupus wrote: »

Why would the guy get angry with his mate for being told? They're mates...

OP tell him otherwise you're not really a mate.

I've said mate too many times in this one post.

Potentially because his mate is the one banging her

Your Face

Ask for advice on an internet forum.

SteM

Ted111 wrote: »

You certainly do have loose friends.

You could arrange for a third party, who your mate doesn't know to phone him up and give him an anonymous tip off. It will need some piece of detail, like the name of the bloke, to be credible.

That would be the worst imo. I'd prefer to get this info from a friend that I know than someone anonymously over the phone!

Oodoov

He'll get over it. The majority of married women are cheating be it once at the Xmas party or on a regular basis.

gifted

Has it occurred to anyone here that it could be our wife????....hope I don't get a phone call off me best mate today lol l

SteM

Oodoov wrote: »

He'll get over it. The majority of married women are cheating be it once at the Xmas party or on a regular basis.

Ah, would you stop.

Avatar MIA

gifted wrote: »

Has it occurred to anyone here that it could be our wife????....hope I don't get a phone call off me best mate today lol l

Erm... sorry, would you prefer a PM?

By the way, we still up for drinks at the weekend?

gifted

Avatar MIA wrote: »

Erm... sorry, would you prefer a PM?

By the way, we still up for drinks at the weekend?

You buying??? Lol lol

Avatar MIA

Oodoov wrote: »

He'll get over it. The majority of married women are cheating be it once at the Xmas party or on a regular basis.

Just because... ah, won't go there.

However, when men do it I think they want it kept secret. Whereas, a significant amount of women want it discovered. No scientific basis for that opinion.

Avatar MIA

gifted wrote: »

You buying??? Lol lol

What would be any different about this weekend? :pac:

Badly Drunk Boy

gifted wrote: »

Has it occurred to anyone here that it could be our wife????....hope I don't get a phone call off me best mate today lol l

I think I'm safe enough. Don't have a wife and don't have a 'best mate'. I have a nice kettle, though...

The flying mouse

You should tell him if you no for sure, but expect a drilling, not from the wife from the husband.

Colser

The flying mouse wrote:

You should tell him if you no for sure, but expect a drilling, not from the wife from the husband.

I agree..don't give him half a story.Seeing his wife with someone isn't proof of anything unless you can back it up with definitive facts otherwise you will just wreck his head and probably end up as the bad guy in all this.

Zulu

If you were a friend, you'd tell him.

Car99

Complicated one to decide on what's best . The right thing to do is tell your mate but is that the best thing to do for the good of all involved.
Alot to weigh up especially with kids involved.

Supergurrier

Buy cheap payg phone
Txt what you know (Nicely!)
Burn phone

If your friend has kids you will always be associated with it subconsciously by them.

SteM

Supergurrier wrote: »

Buy cheap payg phone
Txt what you know (Nicely!)
Burn phone

If your friend has kids you will always be associated with it subconsciously by them.

Do you not think part of the definition of a friend would be someone that helps this person through his troubles? You can't do that if you've told him anonymously. I don't see how texting anonymously and then leaving him to wonder if it's true or a sick prank is being a friend.

OP tell him to his face, break it as gently as possible and then try and help him through this difficult period in his life. That's if he is your friend and not just some random acquaintance you see down the pub from time to time.

Four Phucs Ache

This never goes well for the messenger.

You will be always be remembered as the bringer of bad news .The friend will always feel stupid to a point that they never noticed the signs and along comes a friend that knows more than the person living with them 24/7.

I've no direct experience within my circle but witnessed it with neighbours years ago.

The messengers car was never around anymore.

If you use anon email or text as the friend you may be the top of the list to be approached anyway for advice and maybe suspicion of said email or text.

riclad

Buy a sim card ,put it in your phone,
say from a friend ,your wife is cheating on you .
whether you name him is up to you.
sim cards cost 20 euro,.
or send him an email from a new email account joe77@gmail.com

Oodoov

Oodoov wrote: »

He'll get over it. The majority of married women are cheating be it once at the Xmas party or on a regular basis.

You again?

You going to start another thread about women and chore sex with partners?

Sam Kade

I always have trouble believing these new posters that come on with shock stories.

Mr. Incognito

Stay out of it.

He may know already.

andekwarhola

Horrible situation. Nobody wants to see a friend in that situation but exposing it can lead to all kinds of mayhem, some of which may engulf you.

md403

md403 wrote: »

Would you tell someone if you knew for certain that their OH was cheating on them?

If I knew for "certain" then I likely would yes. Unless I knew him to be someone who would rather not know. After all you likely know your "Mate" better than we do - so we can not comment on that.

I would likely approach the cheater first however and give him/her the chance to explain or come clean themselves.

And as you say "I know that if I was in his shoes , i would want to know." so you can justifiably pull the "Golden Rule" on this one too.

I certainly know that I would want to know if I was being cheated on too. And I can not justifiably expect _my_ friends to tell _me_ if I myself would not act in that fashion. I can not expect it to be one rule for me - and one for everyone else.

Irishcrx

100% tell him , come on what kind of friend would you be if you didn't. If I found out one of my mates knew something like tis and didn't have the gall or respect to tell me I'd be far angrier with them than if they told me the truth any decent mate will respect that.
Get it done OP