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LDR Breakup - I want him back

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  • #32
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Musketeer4 wrote: »
    So you were 14 months in a "relationship" but of that 14 months he was in Australia for the first 8, home 3 and gone the last 3. Is that right?

    No I was in Australia with him for most of it. Then I came home, he followed. He was here for 3 months. He's gone back 4 months now, broke up with me 2 months ago. We've never argued like the way we had been when he went home. He even said himself if we were together things would have got sorted out a lot easier.

    I can only speak for myself here, but if the above is the case that's not a relationship - that's living separate lives on opposite sides of the planet.

    Look, I know you are hurting. Belive me I was in a similarly sad state after my ex broke up with me. I couldn't see past it, thought I was fecked, felt I could never love anyone again like I loved her.
    There was nothing anyone could say or do to make me feel better. The only thing that helps is the passage of time, even though you don't feel that way now.

    You just have to wait it out. Have fun with friends and family. Go on a holiday with a mate. Do things and go places. One day you will be chilling and all of a sudden it will hit you - you'll notice you haven't thought about him in ages!!

    You will be fine.

    And just forget about the visa. If you're not going there there's no need to do anything. Just forget about it and don't look back.

    No I was in Australia with him for most of it. Then I came home, he followed. He was here for 3 months. He's gone back 4 months now, broke up with me 2 months ago. We've never argued like the way we had been when he went home. He even said himself if we were together things would have got sorted out a lot easier.

    No I was in Australia with him for most of it. Then I came home, he followed. He was here for 3 months. He's gone back 4 months now, broke up with me 2 months ago. We've never argued like the way we had been when he went home. He even said himself if we were together things would have got sorted out a lot easier.


  • #33
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Ah, OP, come on.

    Can I ask you what it is you love about this fella? He has treated you very very badly. He has let you know in no uncertain terms where you stand with him. He is not nice to you. He may occasionally say nice things to you but these things aren't backed up in any way by actions.

    Why do you think he's the best you can do for yourself? Why do you think that's the most you deserve or can hope for?

    You are desperately desperately desperately clinging to someone who finds you an irritation at best. Who knows why he says these things to you? It's easy to be nice to someone when they're standing in front of you, I suppose. It's also easy to forget about them and move on without them when they're not standing in front of you. He said things he didn't mean because it was easy at the time. He wouldn't be the first.

    He wants nothing to do with you. He has told you. Keep some of your dignity and stop running after him like a little puppy hoping to find someone to play with. He's done with you.

    Stop contacting him about the visa. You don't need any documentation from him. What exactly are you looking for? He contacted them and told them not to give you a visa because you are not together anymore. Contacting him looking for more is just attention seeking on your part and hoping he'll either change his mind or at least apologise for everything and wish you well.

    He's as far away from you as he physically can be. He doesn't care what you want anymore. And he is certainly not thinking how can he make this easy for you. He's thinking "how can I make her just leave me alone".

    Either contact the visa dept yourself and tell them you are withdrawing the application, or else just ignore it and they will cancel it themselves. You have to jump through various hoops to get a visa, they're not going to come chasing you, knocking your door down to force it into your hand.

    This wasn't a good relationship, OP. It wasn't even a proper relationship really. Most of it was long distance, and according to your other thread most of the time he was lying to you. Raise your standards and expect better the next time round. (Next relationship, not next time with this fella!!)

    Edit: to cut a long story short.... you want him back. He doesn't want you back. He knows you want him back so is doing everything in his power to avoid ever having to deal with you again.

    You can't make someone want to be with you, no matter how much you want it.

    Most of our relationship was together, not long distance.


  • #34
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Blindsided wrote: »
    I've been seeing a counsellor and I had to visit my GP as I ended up physically ill from this. I didn't save any money on the visa. I gave him $2000 a couple of weeks before he broke up with me. I actually started seeing the counsellor before we broke up and told him this as I was trying to find a solution to the arguments. I'm just devastated. It's so hard still loving him. I feel like no one understands.

    I think people do understand. To quote a song "Love Hurts".

    It's perfectly normal to miss someone after a breakup, to feel hurt, to feel like you still love them. Break ups are not easy.

    However, that said, you need to put it in context. It was a short relationship, you weren't married, no kids, no shared property or pets. So a clean break. That's a good thing.

    It may have been short, but intense, and maybe this is a learning experience for you, that it's important to keep balance and not get so intense for a short relationship. I think this is why you still feel do bad 2 months later, you are still investing a huge amount of emotion into it.

    You need to stop focusing on it. Put it behind you. Stop thinking about it all the time. Live your life. Date other guys, have some fun.


  • #35
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    intheclouds wrote: »
    I think people do understand. To quote a song "Love Hurts".

    It's perfectly normal to miss someone after a breakup, to feel hurt, to feel like you still love them. Break ups are not easy.

    However, that said, you need to put it in context. It was a short relationship, you weren't married, no kids, no shared property or pets. So a clean break. That's a good thing.

    It may have been short, but intense, and maybe this is a learning experience for you, that it's important to keep balance and not get so intense for a short relationship. I think this is why you still feel do bad 2 months later, you are still investing a huge amount of emotion into it.

    You need to stop focusing on it. Put it behind you. Stop thinking about it all the time. Live your life. Date other guys, have some fun.


    A large part of me thought he was the one. We had so many plans together. I know we had a lot of issues, and I know I acted out of character. It's just devastating that someone you think loves you so much could just give up after a few weeks. He was the one pushing for the visa etc, telling me how the distance between us was killing him, crying down the phone telling me doesn't know what he'd do if anything ever happened to me, talking about how he couldn't wait to wake up next to me everyday.


  • #36
    Merkin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Have you completely cut contact now as advised OP?


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  • #37
    GingerLily
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    Blindsided wrote: »
    daisybelle2008 wrote: »
    OP this is true, would you think about going to your GP for a referral to someone who can help with your mental health? Use the money you saved on the visa to invest in getting emotionally healthy. You did mention it might be a good idea in the other thread and it will help you before you get into another relationship with a load of baggage from the last one.

    I've been seeing a counsellor and I had to visit my GP as I ended up physically ill from this. I didn't save any money on the visa. I gave him $2000 a couple of weeks before he broke up with me. I actually started seeing the counsellor before we broke up and told him this as I was trying to find a solution to the arguments. I'm just devastated. It's so hard still loving him. I feel like no one understands.

    Why did you give him 2k?


  • #38
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Blindsided wrote: »
    A large part of me thought he was the one. We had so many plans together. I know we had a lot of issues, and I know I acted out of character. It's just devastating that someone you think loves you so much could just give up after a few weeks. He was the one pushing for the visa etc, telling me how the distance between us was killing him, crying down the phone telling me doesn't know what he'd do if anything ever happened to me, talking about how he couldn't wait to wake up next to me everyday.

    Stop thinking about the above, stop typing it, you are indulging in misery here. No one is going to feel good thinking such negative thoughts.


  • #39
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Merkin wrote: »
    Have you completely cut contact now as advised OP?

    I haven't contacted him in over a month, I had deleted his number and erased all our text messages. I've making small steps, putting photos away etc


  • #40
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    GingerLily wrote: »
    Why did you give him 2k?

    To put towards the cost of the visa


  • #41
    Merkin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Blindsided wrote: »
    I haven't contacted him in over a month, I had deleted his number and erased all our text messages. I've making small steps, putting photos away etc

    That's good progress.If you sustain no contact you will get over him sooner.


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  • #42
    BetsyEllen
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,360 ✭✭✭BetsyEllen


    OP you said you feel as though no one understands.

    I want you to know that many people don't because they've luckily never had their heart broken, but also many people do.
    I myself went through the mother of all breakups last year - ended up signed off work as I was also physically ill, I had to take anti-depressants for a while, lost a ton of weight etc.

    And then, we got back together! I was so happy...until we broke up again this year. And I had to recover all over again.
    Now luckily, I was nowhere near as bad this time but it has still been almost unbearable at times. It's nearly 6 months to the day now and I'm still not quite right.

    But please believe me when I say, it gets so much easier as the weeks/months go by. I never would have believed I'd feel the way I do now even 2 months ago.

    Just keep busy - that's the main thing - and do whatever you can to stop yourself from sitting around for long periods, thinking about it all.
    Your feelings and hurt will eventually fade.

    I really feel bad for you and I hope you will be OK.


  • #43
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    Blindsided wrote: »
    I'm just devastated. Two months and i'm still heartbroken. I've been physically ill over this. We had a lot of problems but I wanted to work past them. How can someone go from wanting to spend a life together, get a house, a dog, all these future plans to nothing in the space of a month.

    I'd say the fact ye were LD a lot of the time masked how incompatible ye were and hid a lot of the crazy and dysfunction. It really didn't have a future, maybe loneliness and boredom drove a lot of the romantic notion of 'future plans' He saw the real you with all the jealousy about his ex and decided he didn't want the drama. Rational people don't want relationships filled with issues and drama that has to be constantly 'worked past' with someone who doesn't trust them.


  • #44
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    daisybelle2008 wrote: »
    I'd say the fact ye were LD a lot of the time masked how incompatible ye were and hid a lot of the crazy and dysfunction. It really didn't have a future, maybe loneliness and boredom drove a lot of the romantic notion of 'future plans' He saw the real you with all the jealousy about his ex and decided he didn't want the drama. Rational people don't want relationships filled with issues and drama that has to be constantly 'worked past' with someone who doesn't trust them.

    You need to read that again. We were only long distance for two months. We lived together for 5. "The real me" is not a jealous person. If you had to listen to romantic stories of your partners ex and their sexual antics I think you'd incur a little jealousy too.


  • #45
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    BetsyEllen wrote: »
    OP you said you feel as though no one understands.

    I want you to know that many people don't because they've luckily never had their heart broken, but also many people do.
    I myself went through the mother of all breakups last year - ended up signed off work as I was also physically ill, I had to take anti-depressants for a while, lost a ton of weight etc.

    And then, we got back together! I was so happy...until we broke up again this year. And I had to recover all over again.
    Now luckily, I was nowhere near as bad this time but it has still been almost unbearable at times. It's nearly 6 months to the day now and I'm still not quite right.

    But please believe me when I say, it gets so much easier as the weeks/months go by. I never would have believed I'd feel the way I do now even 2 months ago.

    Just keep busy - that's the main thing - and do whatever you can to stop yourself from sitting around for long periods, thinking about it all.
    Your feelings and hurt will eventually fade.

    I really feel bad for you and I hope you will be OK.

    Thank you. Yeah I surprisingly just came off antidepressants around the time he was leaving to go home. Then I was on various hormone tablets which didn't help my moods and probably didn't help with the arguing.

    My doctor gave me xanax and tablets to help me eat. Im sorry to hear you had such a hard time.


  • #46
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,613 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Blindsided wrote: »
    If you had to listen to romantic stories of your partners ex and their sexual antics I think you'd incur a little jealousy too.

    Why did you have to listen to that? Did you push for the conversation to go in that direction, or did he randomly bring it up?

    You really need to take off your rose-tinted glasses, OP. He's not all that great you know. He lied to you a lot through your relationship. You know he lied, so why do you believe all the other stuff he said? Because it was nice? Because you want to believe it? It doesn't make it true. You were duped. It's not a nice feeling, but accepting that will help you get over him quicker.

    All you can do is continue to move on day by day. Remember all the things he did or said that upset you. Stop clinging to the things that you wanted to hear. There's no guarantee that he meant them.


  • #47
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    Blindsided wrote: »
    You need to read that again. We were only long distance for two months. We lived together for 5. "The real me" is not a jealous person.

    Yeah and you said he treated you badly for most of it because he was hung up on his ex. You didn't have a good relationship, you didn't trust him, why would you think there would be some fantasy good relationship in the future, especially how he wasn't over his ex.
    Blindsided wrote: »
    If you had to listen to romantic stories of your partners ex and their sexual antics I think you'd incur a little jealousy too.


    'Had to'? why on earth would you listen to such stories. He was telling you romantic stories about his sex life with his ex??? OP your relationship was very strange and dysfunctional. You have very low standards.


  • #48
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Why did you have to listen to that? Did you push for the conversation to go in that direction, or did he randomly bring it up?

    You really need to take off your rose-tinted glasses, OP. He's not all that great you know. He lied to you a lot through your relationship. You know he lied, so why do you believe all the other stuff he said? Because it was nice? Because you want to believe it? It doesn't make it true. You were duped. It's not a nice feeling, but accepting that will help you get over him quicker.

    All you can do is continue to move on day by day. Remember all the things he did or said that upset you. Stop clinging to the things that you wanted to hear. There's no guarantee that he meant them.[/QUOT

    He brought it up


  • #49
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,613 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Well, isn't he just a swell guy!!

    Honestly, OP. I'm beginning to wonder if you're 14 and this was your first boyfriend. Although these days I think 14 year olds would have more self respect than to put up with such a shambles of a relationship.

    I honestly don't know why you are so cut up about this fella. You should be thanking your lucky stars that you didn't waste anymore money on moving to the other side of the world to force a bad relationship to work. Maybe your upset is rooted in the fact that you find it difficult to believe that you put up with all this rubbish from him and the relationship still didn't work out. Maybe you feel for everything you put up with, and all the upset you went through that you deserved a reward at the end of it and the reward was a happy ever after.

    The problem with that is, this fella wasn't capable of giving you a happy every after. You went out for just over a year and for that entire year there were problems. With occasionally good times. The first year of a relationship should have NO bad times!! Seriously. I just dint understand people who seem to have to be in drama filled relationships. Life is hard enough. The one place you should feel safest and most secure and most relaxed and most cherished is in your relationship. If you're having a tough time, your relationship is the place you look for support. Yes, obviously relationships are going to take work and effort and sometimes things can happen to throw them off course a little. But that should be the exception rather than the rule. Weekly even monthly arguments are NOT normal. Feeling bad about yourself because of stories about the ex is not normal either. Always worrying and wondering is not normal. A persons actions tells you more than their words. And his actions were selfish.

    He told you he loved you. Wanted to move in together, get a dog.. whatever?

    I think we should move in together. You should move to my area and we'll get a dog and go on weekends away and have lovely romantic evenings in and walks in the country. It'll be lovely, and so peaceful.

    See how easy it is to say. Doesn't make any of it true, though. He was all talk but when it came to it he wasn't willing to follow through. You're hurt because you believed him and you invested too much to believe now that it was all lies. But it was all lies. He might be a nice fella, but he wasn't good at relationships, or at least this one. Lesson learned. You'll be a bit wiser the next time and if there's things you're uncomfortable with, or not happy with you'll catch them quicker, and not invest so much of yourself in changing someone who doesn't want to be changed.


  • #50
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP I've been in a similar situation this year, wasted 2 years of my life on someone who I was constantly arguing with, who swayed between putting me down and then promising me the world. For reasons I still can't figure out I was head over heels obsessed with him and when he dumped me I couldn't eat, sleep, work, function. 7 months on I'm feeling much better and I see both him and the relationship for what they really are. You need to sit back and have a good look at yours for what it really was, no good for you! In regards to moving on, cliche as it is time is the only real healer here. You can take as many pills as you like to numb it but it will still take time for the pain to subside. Keep busy, plan a new life for yourself, spend time with friends and family or take up a new hobby. I always felt much better when not sat at home on my own. You will get through this!


  • #51
    Chocolate fiend
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 465 ✭✭Chocolate fiend


    Didn't you actually have two other threads about him? He has never ever sounded like a good guy, a nice guy, or a guy who cared a damn about you. Did one of you have a sick mother? maybe him?

    You will look back and realise this was a lucky escape! he probably feels the same.


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  • #52
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Chocolate fiend wrote: »
    Didn't you actually have two other threads about him? He has never ever sounded like a good guy, a nice guy, or a guy who cared a damn about you. Did one of you have a sick mother? maybe him?

    You will look back and realise this was a lucky escape! he probably feels the same.

    I did have other threads, not sure about the sick mother thing you're talking about though? The thing is he was so good in so many ways, then broke my heart at other times. We actually could have had something great, I truly believe that. He quit his job for 3 months and came to Ireland, he paid for the visa without a second thought, he's the most confusing man. I'm now left feeling like i'm the worst human being in the world.


  • #53
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Well, isn't he just a swell guy!!

    Honestly, OP. I'm beginning to wonder if you're 14 and this was your first boyfriend. Although these days I think 14 year olds would have more self respect than to put up with such a shambles of a relationship.

    I honestly don't know why you are so cut up about this fella. You should be thanking your lucky stars that you didn't waste anymore money on moving to the other side of the world to force a bad relationship to work. Maybe your upset is rooted in the fact that you find it difficult to believe that you put up with all this rubbish from him and the relationship still didn't work out. Maybe you feel for everything you put up with, and all the upset you went through that you deserved a reward at the end of it and the reward was a happy ever after.

    The problem with that is, this fella wasn't capable of giving you a happy every after. You went out for just over a year and for that entire year there were problems. With occasionally good times. The first year of a relationship should have NO bad times!! Seriously. I just dint understand people who seem to have to be in drama filled relationships. Life is hard enough. The one place you should feel safest and most secure and most relaxed and most cherished is in your relationship. If you're having a tough time, your relationship is the place you look for support. Yes, obviously relationships are going to take work and effort and sometimes things can happen to throw them off course a little. But that should be the exception rather than the rule. Weekly even monthly arguments are NOT normal. Feeling bad about yourself because of stories about the ex is not normal either. Always worrying and wondering is not normal. A persons actions tells you more than their words. And his actions were selfish.

    He told you he loved you. Wanted to move in together, get a dog.. whatever?

    I think we should move in together. You should move to my area and we'll get a dog and go on weekends away and have lovely romantic evenings in and walks in the country. It'll be lovely, and so peaceful.

    See how easy it is to say. Doesn't make any of it true, though. He was all talk but when it came to it he wasn't willing to follow through. You're hurt because you believed him and you invested too much to believe now that it was all lies. But it was all lies. He might be a nice fella, but he wasn't good at relationships, or at least this one. Lesson learned. You'll be a bit wiser the next time and if there's things you're uncomfortable with, or not happy with you'll catch them quicker, and not invest so much of yourself in changing someone who doesn't want to be changed.

    Yeah I think the fact I put so much in to the relationship and loved him unconditionally, tried to see past things he did and for him then to just give up on us because I was angry and upset and not at my best is so hurtful. I know you say I was duped, but why did he quit his job, come to Ireland for 3 months, then pay out $7,000 for our visa.


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