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LDR Breakup - I want him back

  • 30-09-2016 12:51PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi,

    I desperately need advice. My bf broke up with me 5 weeks ago. He's in Australia, i'm in Ireland. He was here for 3 months and is home just under 3 months now. We were together for about 14 months. I love him so much and I know he loved me too. We were in the process of applying for a Partnership Visa. Our relationship was not without it's challenges. About 3 weeks ago, he blocked me on FB, Messenger, his family bar one member has blocked me, he's blocked my family and friends. He sent a letter to immigration to say the relationship wasn't continuing. We had been arguing for a good few weeks and he just turned cold. I'm absolutely heartbroken and just feel completely devastated. We'd literally spoke weeks earlier about how we were going to build a life together, get a house, a dog, travel the world. How he couldn't wait to wake up beside me every day. Then things just broke down again. I have spoke to immigration and the visa hasn't actually been cancelled, just a notification of breakdown, which means we could continue with the application if there was a reconciliation. I messaged him and phoned him and the only response I got was why are you calling? I told him it was about the visa and that I needed certain docs from him as I had to provide a response to them regarding his letter. That I could then send the letter to withdraw in and there was no point dragging this out any longer than necessary. This is what he said he wanted !!!!!!! I haven't had any response from him It's been about 9 days since i've contacted him. Do you think there is any chance I could ever get this guy back or am I fooling myself? How can you love someone so much, then just change like that?


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Comments

  • #2
    Merkin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    This is dead in the water given he went to such drastic lengths to have nothing more to do with you or your extended circle. I doubt you need any documentation to cancel the application so I'd just write the letter confirming that your relationship has broken down irretrievably and you won't be pursuing the application. Seems like all the arguing might have highlighted the incompatibilities between you unfortunately.


  • #3
    MeatTwoVeg
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 861 ✭✭✭MeatTwoVeg


    Blindsided wrote:
    Do you think there is any chance I could ever get this guy back?


    Nope.
    Stop contacting him and move on with your life.


  • #4
    ted1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,290 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    He may be in a new relationship, or simply glad to be rid of you. Either way it's better that it ends now before your married , kids, etc


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Merkin wrote: »
    This is dead in the water given he went to such drastic lengths to have nothing more to do with you or your extended circle. I doubt you need any documentation to cancel the application so I'd just write the letter confirming that your relationship has broken down irretrievably and you won't be pursuing the application. Seems like all the arguing might have highlighted the incompatibilities between you unfortunately.


    I don't want to cancel the application. I want him to do it. It was his decision so I think he should take responsibility. It's really cruel to expect me to do it. I just don't understand how he changed so much.


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ted1 wrote: »
    He may be in a new relationship, or simply glad to be rid of you. Either way it's better that it ends now before your married , kids, etc

    I asked him if he had met someone and he told me he hadn't. He says he's hurting more than I realise. I just feel like my whole world has been pulled from under me. I had planned my life around going back to Oz with him. I just feel completely lost and completely broken.


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  • #7
    Merkin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Blindsided wrote: »
    I don't want to cancel the application. I want him to do it. It was his decision so I think he should take responsibility. It's really cruel to expect me to do it. I just don't understand how he changed so much.

    But you said in your OP that you need documentation from him in order for YOU to set the wheels in motion for cancelling.....


  • #8
    seenitall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭seenitall


    Hi op,

    You have to knock this Partnership Visa idea on the head quick smart. You don't have a partner any more, so how can you go to Australia on a Partnership Visa? It would be fraud. Not to mention terribly unhealthy for your peace of mind, continuing to have a tie to him, when for him you're history.

    He has done the right thing in severing all ties if he stopped feeling the same for you. Now you have to be strong, do the same, and move on from this. Siht happens, breakups suck, but it's all a part of life. You'll get over it and be happy again with someone else , especially if you take the right lessons from this situation. Move on. There is nothing else to do.


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    seenitall wrote: »
    Hi op,

    You have to knock this Partnership Visa idea on the head quick smart. You don't have a partner any more, so how can you go to Australia on a Partnership Visa? It would be fraud. Not to mention terribly unhealthy for your peace of mind, continuing to have a tie to him, when for him you're history.

    He has done the right thing in severing all ties if he stopped feeling the same for you. Now you have to be strong, do the same, and move on from this. Siht happens, breakups suck, but it's all a part of life. You'll get over it and be happy again with someone else , especially if you take the right lessons from this situation. Move on. There is nothing else to do.


    I don't want to go on the visa if i'm not with him. I wanted to get back together. He know he hasn't cancelled the visa so it's just giving me hope. I was literally his whole world a few weeks ago.


  • #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    [QUOTE=Merkin;1
    01207384]But you said in your OP that you need documentation from him in order for YOU to set the wheels in motion for cancelling.....[/QUOTE]

    I wanted to see what he said in his letter before I provided his response. I guess I was letting him know the visa still hadn't been cancelled. Immigration said it may not be withdrawn until a letter is sent to cancel the application. I really think it's cruel that he won't do it if he has no intention of ever getting back together.


  • #11
    Tilly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,987 ✭✭✭Tilly


    Blindsided wrote: »
    I asked him if he had met someone and he told me he hadn't. He says he's hurting more than I realise. I just feel like my whole world has been pulled from under me. I had planned my life around going back to Oz with him. I just feel completely lost and completely broken.

    Can i ask how old you are? Was this your first relationship?


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  • #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Tilly wrote: »
    Can i ask how old you are? Was this your first relationship?

    I'm 30, no i've been in long term relationships before but nothing has ever hit me this hard.


  • #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Blindsided wrote: »

    About 3 weeks ago, he blocked me on FB, Messenger... he's blocked my family and friends....

    Why would you want to get back with someone who behaves like that out of the blue?


  • #14
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    Blindsided wrote: »
    I don't want to go on the visa if i'm not with him. I wanted to get back together. He know he hasn't cancelled the visa so it's just giving me hope. I was literally his whole world a few weeks ago.

    Did you not post previously that he treated you badly and you didn't trust him because of his contact with his ex (of 5/6 years) and you were very frustrated and threatened by this and you had told her to back off. The timing of break up, visa etc. social media cancelling, are the same.

    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057628076

    If so count your blessings you are well out of it, it was messy and dysfunctional by your previous descriptions. People told you in that not to even consider moving countries to be with him. You got good advise in the previous thread, maybe have a reread so you are not looking with rose-tinted glasses?


  • #15
    Sapphire
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 390 ✭✭Sapphire


    You were in a long distance relationship for 14 months up until 5 weeks ago but he came home for the last 3 months of that?

    Usually with relationships, between a year and 18 months is usually where people can see past the rosy glow of a brand new romance and realistically assess whether or not the relationship is a keeper or not. By that stage you've got to see them in all moods, found out their bad habits and all that. And if you are fundamentally different in your views or future plans, those start to become apparent during this time. So if you've already had your ups and downs then its likely he's making the right call. Maybe with the distance it was easy to assume that the reason you were not getting along all the time was down to the difficulties of a long- distance relationship and when he came home for 3 months realised that the difficulties and concerns were still present when you were together in person.

    You need to start thinking that its over for good. You chasing him for the visa thing to me sounds like you are trying to find a reason to contact him in the hope that he will regret breaking up with you and beg you back, but it sounds very much like he's got his mind made up. Chasing him will make you look like a desperate ex.

    I know you had plans for the future. That happens in all relationships to some extent even if they are not verbalised. But you will get past this and you will get over him. You will have a great future with someone just not with him.


  • #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    daisybelle2008 wrote: »
    Did you not post previously that he treated you badly and you didn't trust him because of his contact with his ex (of 5/6 years) and you were very frustrated and threatened by this and you had told her to back off. The timing of break up, visa etc. social media cancelling, are the same.

    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057628076

    If so count your blessings you are well out of it, it was messy and dysfunctional by your previous descriptions. People told you in that not to even consider moving countries to be with him. You got good advise in the previous thread, maybe have a reread so you are not looking with rose-tinted glasses?

    Yeap I did. Maybe I am looking with rose tinted glasses. I guess I just hoped we could move past all this. Reading that thread might be a good idea. I'm trying my hardest to get on with things but it's so hard.

    He was with his ex 5/6 years ago. Now he's dumped me in pretty much the same manner as she did which was apparently a terrible way to treat him.


  • #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sapphire wrote: »
    You were in a long distance relationship for 14 months up until 5 weeks ago but he came home for the last 3 months of that?

    No we've been long distance for the past 3 months as he had to return due to work/visa restrictions. We were together before that. He came to Ireland for 3 months and I was in Australia previously where I met him. We had issues before but our arguments never went on for this long when we were together.

    Usually with relationships, between a year and 18 months is usually where people can see past the rosy glow of a brand new romance and realistically assess whether or not the relationship is a keeper or not. By that stage you've got to see them in all moods, found out their bad habits and all that. And if you are fundamentally different in your views or future plans, those start to become apparent during this time. So if you've already had your ups and downs then its likely he's making the right call. Maybe with the distance it was easy to assume that the reason you were not getting along all the time was down to the difficulties of a long- distance relationship and when he came home for 3 months realised that the difficulties and concerns were still present when you were together in person.

    You need to start thinking that its over for good. You chasing him for the visa thing to me sounds like you are trying to find a reason to contact him in the hope that he will regret breaking up with you and beg you back, but it sounds very much like he's got his mind made up. Chasing him will make you look like a desperate ex.

    I know you had plans for the future. That happens in all relationships to some extent even if they are not verbalised. But you will get past this and you will get over him. You will have a great future with someone just not with him.


    I want to contact him about the visa at some point to ask him about the cancellation. It's cruel to ask me to pursue this as it's his decision and he know's how hurt I am.


  • #18
    Merkin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Blindsided wrote: »
    I want to contact him about the visa at some point to ask him about the cancellation. It's cruel to ask me to pursue this as it's his decision and he know's how hurt I am.

    You have absolutely nothing to gain by doing so. You need to bid a hasty retreat and not contact him again, doing so is merely protracting a painful process.


  • #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Merkin wrote: »
    You have absolutely nothing to gain by doing so. You need to bid a hasty retreat and not contact him again, doing so is merely protracting a painful process.

    The visa process is ongoing. It needs to be dealt with.


  • #20
    Tilly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,987 ✭✭✭Tilly


    Blindsided wrote: »
    The visa process is ongoing. It needs to be dealt with.

    What needs to be done with it? You're not going to OZ now, so you just walk away from the application?


  • #21
    sadie1502
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 666 ✭✭✭sadie1502


    Just let it go. Do you really want to be with someone like that ! Count your blessings you don't have any ties to him draw a line and move on surly you think you deserve better than this. I'd have run a mile from him sounds like lots if issues in this so called relationship.


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  • #22
    retro:electro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    Tilly wrote: »
    What needs to be done with it? You're not going to OZ now, so you just walk away from the application?

    You're using the visa issue as an exuse to keep the lines of communication open with him, he knows that and everyone here knows that. Leave the visa issue. Maybe he'll sort it, maybe he won't, but if you're not going back then what does it matter? You need to stop contacting him.


  • #23
    Merkin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Blindsided wrote: »
    The visa process is ongoing. It needs to be dealt with.

    And it should be very straightforward to contact the appropriate department and say you're withdrawing your application. I agree, you're clearly using it as an excuse to maintain contact.


  • #24
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Blindsided wrote: »
    The visa process is ongoing. It needs to be dealt with.

    No it doesnt. You can just ignore it.

    Im sure they have applications that they just mark as "no one continued to contact us" after a period of time.

    I think you need to stop contacting him and stop thinking of reasons to maintain contact. Youre only hurting yourself.


  • #25
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Blindsided wrote: »
    Yeap I did. Maybe I am looking with rose tinted glasses. I guess I just hoped we could move past all this. Reading that thread might be a good idea. I'm trying my hardest to get on with things but it's so hard.

    He was with his ex 5/6 years ago. Now he's dumped me in pretty much the same manner as she did which was apparently a terrible way to treat him.

    Op honestly, your post here leaves out the entire context of why you guys broke up. It was not out of the blue or without reason. You really should read through your thread again and take in what everybody said.

    You're now clinging on to the visa as a way to almost force him to give you a final answer. But he really has already, even if he was hesitant and was tempted to give it another go it really will only end in disaster. You're prolonging the heartache here. Yep it's really cruel that he's making you cancel the application and officially put an end to those dreams but in reality the end of them has already happened, they're over. Regardless of whether you call the visa application place or not. And trying to get "an answer" from him is pointless.


  • #26
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Is part of your problem that the option of moving to Australia is gone for now?

    I too am puzzled as to why you feel this all happened out of the blue. Just about everyone else can understand exactly why things happened as they did. That you can't appear to know this is something you should reflect on. Aside from that, I hope he continues to block and ignore you on every platform possible. For your own good - at the moment you need saving from yourself. I've read this thread and the other one. The conclusions I've drawn from them are that this is not a healthy relationship and that it is making you behave like a crazy lady. And that's putting it mildly.


  • #27
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

    I've read this thread and the other one. The conclusions I've drawn from them are that this is not a healthy relationship and that it is making you behave like a crazy lady. And that's putting it mildly.

    OP this is true, would you think about going to your GP for a referral to someone who can help with your mental health? Use the money you saved on the visa to invest in getting emotionally healthy. You did mention it might be a good idea in the other thread and it will help you before you get into another relationship with a load of baggage from the last one.


  • #28
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,613 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Ah, OP, come on.

    Can I ask you what it is you love about this fella? He has treated you very very badly. He has let you know in no uncertain terms where you stand with him. He is not nice to you. He may occasionally say nice things to you but these things aren't backed up in any way by actions.

    Why do you think he's the best you can do for yourself? Why do you think that's the most you deserve or can hope for?

    You are desperately desperately desperately clinging to someone who finds you an irritation at best. Who knows why he says these things to you? It's easy to be nice to someone when they're standing in front of you, I suppose. It's also easy to forget about them and move on without them when they're not standing in front of you. He said things he didn't mean because it was easy at the time. He wouldn't be the first.

    He wants nothing to do with you. He has told you. Keep some of your dignity and stop running after him like a little puppy hoping to find someone to play with. He's done with you.

    Stop contacting him about the visa. You don't need any documentation from him. What exactly are you looking for? He contacted them and told them not to give you a visa because you are not together anymore. Contacting him looking for more is just attention seeking on your part and hoping he'll either change his mind or at least apologise for everything and wish you well.

    He's as far away from you as he physically can be. He doesn't care what you want anymore. And he is certainly not thinking how can he make this easy for you. He's thinking "how can I make her just leave me alone".

    Either contact the visa dept yourself and tell them you are withdrawing the application, or else just ignore it and they will cancel it themselves. You have to jump through various hoops to get a visa, they're not going to come chasing you, knocking your door down to force it into your hand.

    This wasn't a good relationship, OP. It wasn't even a proper relationship really. Most of it was long distance, and according to your other thread most of the time he was lying to you. Raise your standards and expect better the next time round. (Next relationship, not next time with this fella!!)

    Edit: to cut a long story short.... you want him back. He doesn't want you back. He knows you want him back so is doing everything in his power to avoid ever having to deal with you again.

    You can't make someone want to be with you, no matter how much you want it.


  • #29
    Musketeer4
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 657 ✭✭✭Musketeer4


    So you were 14 months in a "relationship" but of that 14 months he was in Australia for the first 8, home 3 and gone the last 3. Is that right?

    I can only speak for myself here, but if the above is the case that's not a relationship - that's living separate lives on opposite sides of the planet.

    Look, I know you are hurting. Belive me I was in a similarly sad state after my ex broke up with me. I couldn't see past it, thought I was fecked, felt I could never love anyone again like I loved her.
    There was nothing anyone could say or do to make me feel better. The only thing that helps is the passage of time, even though you don't feel that way now.

    You just have to wait it out. Have fun with friends and family. Go on a holiday with a mate. Do things and go places. One day you will be chilling and all of a sudden it will hit you - you'll notice you haven't thought about him in ages!!

    You will be fine.

    And just forget about the visa. If you're not going there there's no need to do anything. Just forget about it and don't look back.


  • #30
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sapphire wrote: »
    You were in a long distance relationship for 14 months up until 5 weeks ago but he came home for the last 3 months of that?

    Usually with relationships, between a year and 18 months is usually where people can see past the rosy glow of a brand new romance and realistically assess whether or not the relationship is a keeper or not. By that stage you've got to see them in all moods, found out their bad habits and all that. And if you are fundamentally different in your views or future plans, those start to become apparent during this time. So if you've already had your ups and downs then its likely he's making the right call. Maybe with the distance it was easy to assume that the reason you were not getting along all the time was down to the difficulties of a long- distance relationship and when he came home for 3 months realised that the difficulties and concerns were still present when you were together in person.

    We were only long distance for the short period when he returned home to Oz.

    You need to start thinking that its over for good. You chasing him for the visa thing to me sounds like you are trying to find a reason to contact him in the hope that he will regret breaking up with you and beg you back, but it sounds very much like he's got his mind made up. Chasing him will make you look like a desperate ex.

    The visa has been cancelled and refused.

    I know you had plans for the future. That happens in all relationships to some extent even if they are not verbalised. But you will get past this and you will get over him. You will have a great future with someone just not with him.

    I'm just devastated. Two months and i'm still heartbroken. I've been physically ill over this. We had a lot of problems but I wanted to work past them. How can someone go from wanting to spend a life together, get a house, a dog, all these future plans to nothing in the space of a month.


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  • #31
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    daisybelle2008 wrote: »
    OP this is true, would you think about going to your GP for a referral to someone who can help with your mental health? Use the money you saved on the visa to invest in getting emotionally healthy. You did mention it might be a good idea in the other thread and it will help you before you get into another relationship with a load of baggage from the last one.

    I've been seeing a counsellor and I had to visit my GP as I ended up physically ill from this. I didn't save any money on the visa. I gave him $2000 a couple of weeks before he broke up with me. I actually started seeing the counsellor before we broke up and told him this as I was trying to find a solution to the arguments. I'm just devastated. It's so hard still loving him. I feel like no one understands.


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