Christmas Tensions

unknowngirl!! · 23-10-2016 11:59PM

A quick update. Things aren't great as I decided to try and have it out with my mother before leaving. I've decided to go with the idea of coming home mid Dec when I get my holidays and then have my boyfriend join me for five days 23rd - 27th. I'm going to book the flights do there is no room for changing minds or uncertainty. I'll do as much as possible with my mother when I'm on my own and then try balance the two when my BF comes.

I feel like my relationship with my mother has hit rock bottom. The conversation ended with her saying that I could do what I wanted but not to think I could have the best of both worlds and domineer Christmas and bully her into anything she doesn't want. She said I was to do what I wanted but to remember that she'd do her own thing too and I wasn't to interfere - I'm not really sure what she meant, I think it was an empty threat..

I'm back to France in the morning and have another week off. My mother is also annoyed I'm not staying in Ireland - she says if she was in my position she'd stay and it shows how alone she is and that I don't care. I'm getting the impression she doesn't like who I am and it's sad. I don't know whether she'll cool off with some distance. I'm glad to have some space, I feel exhausted from the stress and worry of the past week!

unknowngirl!! · 24-10-2016 12:04AM

bronte wrote: »

Have Christmas on your own terms and don't neglect your boyfriend, he sounds like a very reasonable guy.

He is and has been great! Part of the reason I'm so reluctant to leave him alone is because I don't want to take him for granted and jeopardise out relationship. I'd hate to push him away when he has been so patient and understanding.

I'm more than happy to spend Christmas in Ireland with my family, in fact I'd hate to be away! I just want to include him too. When I put it like that I realise how selfish it sounds as I want time best of everything. Hopefully things will just work out naturally once he comes..

bronte · 24-10-2016 12:12AM

unknowngirl!! wrote: »

I feel like my relationship with my mother has hit rock bottom. The conversation ended with her saying that I could do what I wanted but not to think I could have the best of both worlds and domineer Christmas and bully her into anything she doesn't want.

This is complete projection! She's the one domineering people!!
I think you're doing the right thing and in your shoes I'd limit my time with her as it does nobody any good being around that kind of negativity.

You're entitled to live your own life, don't let anyone guilt trip you about it.
If your mother had any respect for what you've done already, she'd be far more reasonable with you. Put in whatever effort you're happy with, but don't neglect your relationship with your boyfriend. Be prepared for her to never be happy and don't fall into the trap of trying to please her.
I wonder if she's this demanding with your siblings? Sometimes one child has all the demands placed on them, usually the eldest female.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

bronte · 24-10-2016 12:15AM

unknowngirl!! wrote: »

He is and has been great! Part of the reason I'm so reluctant to leave him alone is because I don't want to take him for granted and jeopardise out relationship. I'd hate to push him away when he has been so patient and understanding.

I'm more than happy to spend Christmas in Ireland with my family, in fact I'd hate to be away! I just want to include him too. When I put it like that I realise how selfish it sounds as I want time best of everything. Hopefully things will just work out naturally once he comes..

You aren't being selfish at all! It's not too much to ask to have your mother welcome someone who's important in your life. Particularly when you've been so kind to her in the past. I'd wager she's resentful of him for taking her "care-giver" away from her. Bizarre but it does happen. Look after your relationship, we all need supportive people in our lives!
So sorry you're going through this but stick to your guns!

meeeeh · 24-10-2016 12:31AM

I wouldn't be dragging your bf into the war with your mother. He's not Irish, chances are he won't care about Christmas. So in my opinion you can spend Christmas with your mother (and she can dictate who she wants to cook dinner for) or you can stay in France with your bf. I would choose second option. Your mother is very possessive but it's you who has to deal with it not your bf. If I were your bf I would way prefer to spend Christmas on my own than have dinner where I am clearly not welcome. Did you even ask your bf what he wants to do and explained the situation clearly?

unknowngirl!! · 24-10-2016 12:41AM

meeeeh wrote: »

I wouldn't be dragging your bf into the war with your mother. He's not Irish, chances are he won't care about Christmas. So in my opinion you can spend Christmas with your mother (and she can dictate who she wants to cook dinner for) or you can stay in France with your bf. Personally I would choose second option. Your mother is very possessive but it's you who has to deal with it not your bf. Personally I would way prefer to spend Christmas on my own than have dinner where I am clearly not welcome. Did you even ask your bf what he wants to do and explained the situation clearly?

Of course we've spoken about it. Initially it was him who brought it up by asking when we were booking flights to Ireland for Christmas. I went through the whole situation and we half agreed he'd stay in France but he was disappointed to be alone again after being alone last year while I stayed in Ireland.

Over the last few weeks we've talked about it again on several occasions and at night when lying together we've said how it would be sad to be apart and not to share a nice time together with my friends and extended family. As a result of those conversations I said I'd talk to my Mam and see what she thought..

He doesn't take it personal or feel unwanted as he understands my Mam is in a bad place. His own father suffered from depression and commit suicide so he is very practical and understanding when it comes to my mother. At times he thinks I need to be more patient because he thinks it's just my mother looking for attention and wanting to hold on to her 'mother' role for as long as possible.

I'm not doing the Irish thing of beating around the bush and pretending everything is perfect and that he'll be the guest of honour. He is more than aware of my mother's hostility towards him.

meeeeh · 24-10-2016 01:06AM

But does he care about Christmas (the day) or does he care about spending holidays with you? The reason I am asking is I'm not Irish but I do come from catholic family or at least my parents are religious. The height of celebration for us would be a nice dinner on Christmas eve if we were around if not who cares. Since I moved to Ireland I never spent Christmas with my parents but I spent quite quickly few New Year's with them. I don't think Christmas is as important in most other countries as it is in Ireland.

Another option it would be for him to fly in around 26th and then you two can do holiday stuff in the week after Christmas. I just think the Christmas with your mother and your bf is too much hassle. Btw I think you've done more than enough for your mother and you should be first taking care of your own happiness. It might be also better if one of your brother's would be first battling this with your mother. They live closer to her and have more opportunity to fall out with her and more importantly make up with her. It's a lot easier to ignore phone calls than someone who lives near and your argument with your mother could go on for a lot longer.

Aufbau · 24-10-2016 06:00AM

A view from the other side - my daughter brought her English boyfriend home for Xmas a few years ago. I hated it. I didn't really know him and he was like a sore thumb in the house. If he had been a visitor for Xmas dinner it would have been fine, I'd have enjoyed it, it would have added to the sense of occasion. But a stranger hanging around the house coming up to Xmas was really awkward, and specially on Xmas day and the day after when we lounge around just being US together. It spoilt the whole Xmas for me - and I wasn't grieving for any reason.

You've only started living with your boyfriend 3 months ago, that doesn't qualify him as a family member. Bring him to Ireland surely, but before or after Xmas? And do tell your mother that if you're both still together next year that you'd like him to be there for Xmas.

Separately, I'm hearing strongly how responsible you feel for your mother's happiness and now your boyfriend's too. And I'm hearing how stressed it's making you. I think you might benefit a lot more than your mum from someone to talk to - about your dad dying, about caring so much for your mum, about moving country, and the whole thing. I think you need to take care of yourself for a while. You're carrying way too much trouble on your back.

Lavinia · 24-10-2016 07:34AM

Aufbau wrote: »

You've only started living with your boyfriend 3 months ago

But they are together a year and a half.... you obviously missed that

witchgirl26 · 24-10-2016 09:35AM

OP I can understand your situation and how difficult it is. My father died 8 years ago and I was the last one living at home with my mam. When I first moved out (3 years after), there was a bit of guilt directed at me when I wasn't always free for dinners etc. I was only up the road but I can appreciate that being magnified when you move to a different county.

The unfortunate thing is that you do have to continue to live your life. Your mam had wonderful years with your dad but essentially by making you put her first over your relationship every time means that she's denying you the opportunity to have something similar. I'm not saying never put her first but she needs to respect the time you need with your other half.

There will come a point soon enough where some siblings may not be spending Christmas at home as life moves on. We have that but we always make sure there's someone with my mam or else that she goes to someone's house for the day.

nikkibikki · 24-10-2016 09:40AM

Aufbau wrote:

Separately, I'm hearing strongly how responsible you feel for your mother's happiness and now your boyfriend's too. And I'm hearing how stressed it's making you. I think you might benefit a lot more than your mum from someone to talk to - about your dad dying, about caring so much for your mum, about moving country, and the whole thing. I think you need to take care of yourself for a while. You're carrying way too much trouble on your back.

Agree with this part of your post but not the rest. The OP has a separate flat next to her mothers house, this is where her boyfriend would be staying, but the mother isn't happy about this either.

So, your daughter having her boyfriend home with her for Christmas presumably made her very happy, and his presence ruined Christmas for you.

iguana · 24-10-2016 09:40AM

Aufbau wrote: »

If he had been a visitor for Xmas dinner it would have been fine, I'd have enjoyed it, it would have added to the sense of occasion. But a stranger hanging around the house coming up to Xmas was really awkward, and specially on Xmas day and the day after when we lounge around just being US together. It spoilt the whole Xmas for me - and I wasn't grieving for any reason.

The OP has her own apartment in Ireland and she and the boyfriend would be staying there, so your situation of having the guy hanging about on the sofa doesn't really apply. She would just like the boyfriend to be in the house for Christmas dinner, which is exactly what you are saying you'd have enjoyed.

nikkibikki · 24-10-2016 09:43AM

OP, would your Dad want you to be putting your young life on hold or would he want you to do whatever it is that makes you happy?

LynnGrace · 24-10-2016 11:06AM

OP, I think you are doing your very best with a difficult situation. I agree that it sounds like your mam needs some help, perhaps bereavement counselling. Of course it's a tough time for her. It's a tough time for you also, and your siblings, losing your dad suddenly, and at an early age.

Just a thought, is there anyone to whom your mam might be prepared to listen - not specifically about this situation - but more generally about how things are for her since your dad's death. Maybe a family member e.g a sister / brother? Or a friend that might be able to broach the subject with her, encourage her to perhaps attend her GP.

As any of us who have been through bereavement know only too well, grief is not an exact science. There is no right or wrong way about it. Life has to go on though, hard and all as it is to pick up the pieces. It has to be done.

All the best, I think what you have done is the best that you can do in a very difficult situation.

Rekop dog · 24-10-2016 11:52AM

As clearly unreasonable as she's being I'd be one of the few who'd go out of my way to appease her. Rightly or wrongly she's very uncomfortable with the idea of him being there at that time, and her experience will be significantly worsened, no slight on his character, it's her issue but an issue regardless. From her perspective I'd imagine some of her fondest memories were of the 5 of you together at Xmas, and is she that wrong to want to get lost in those memories for a couple of days? The burden of entertaining, or even guilt of knowing he's in the apartment next door would ruin this for her I'd imagine. You and your brothers sound like you've all got happy lives now, good relationships ect, and you'll go back to those after Xmas wheras your mother will remain alone. I'd be giving her a couple of days of peace and happiness in your situation. Your bf should understand, if you're right for each other every day should feel like Christmas anyway so this shouldn't be built into an issue.

In the medium to long term you and your brothers focus with the mother should be to get her more bereavement counselling and more social in general, to a point where meeting strangers isn't a cause of great anxiety.

Magicmatilda · 24-10-2016 11:53AM

Has your mother always been a domineering person? How was she around partners when your father was alive?

To be honest she is 51, that is not old by any stretch of the imagination, She still has 15 years to retirement age. It is time she got out into the world and started to create a social circle for herself. If she cannot do this due to anxiety or depression or complicated grief then she needs to speak to a therapist. You cannot make her, but you can prioritise yourself and you should.

Honestly if I were you I would stay in France or if you must come home stay for a few days in a hotel and pop in for a few hours on Christmas day with your boyfriend. IF she will not allow him into the house then you don't go either. Your brothers can come and visit you wherever you are. She has dictated enough of your life at this stage.

Dark Phoenix · 24-10-2016 11:58AM

Op when I was living with my parents my mum drove me insane, I am the eldest and female so maybe as other posters mentioned, that might be why she was hardest on me, I dont know. She was trict as hell, enforced gender rules ( I had to iron my brothers clothes before being allowed out of the house on a weekend as a teenager), and hated not being in control all the time. If I did all she asked I would still be in trouble for not doing things she hadnt asked me to do because 'i shouldnt have to ask, you should just no'. Her own mother is incredibly dictatorial so its no surprise really. Things improved dramatically when I moved out. They improved even more when I just stopped pandering to her demands and stood my ground. There are some things your mother has said to you that sound very like my grandmother now to my mother and my mother to me when I was younger - things like 'selfish' and 'do what you want you always do'. You will never fully please this woman, you have already made too many sacrifices such as cancelling flights the last time. Its ironic as she demands to have exclusive access to you when you are home or on holidays which is incredibly selfish of her, She also is uncompromising and argumentative and then cannot understand why you dont want to spend time with her when this is how she behaves. My dads mother does this she has a meltdown when her family dont spend enough time with her and yet when they call round she behaves so badly and makes everyone so miserable that they dont want to spend more time with her. This is sadly common enough behaviour. Your mum should be encouragign you to make your own life, its very selifsh of her to rely on you to make her happy and to try and hold you back. Dont risk sacrificing your relationship over this. My advice would be stick to your guns - you have made an offer of compromise, I suspect when you stick to it she will back down especially as rant as she might I doubt anyone else will agree with her. The apartment is yours so stay there and when your boyfriend is with you if she acts up well spend the time with him in the apartment instead of in the house with her, your mum will already have had you to herself this month and for the middle of december. She also has two sons who surely can spend a bit of time entertaining her, they need to have your back a bit more on this. You have made every effort to compromise, its five years since your dad died so your mum cannot expect to dictate everything 100% her way, its ridiculous

unknowngirl!! · 24-10-2016 12:54PM

Thanks for your post from the other perspective. It's exactly the sentiment my mother is expressing - particularly the idea of lounging and chilling in comfort. I can see what you mean.

Aufbau wrote: »

You've only started living with your boyfriend 3 months ago, that doesn't qualify him as a family member. Bring him to Ireland surely, but before or after Xmas? And do tell your mother that if you're both still together next year that you'd like him to be there for Xmas.

We were together over six months last Christmas and we didn't see each other. I felt bad for him being on his own but it was too soon to even imagine bringing him home. Now that we're living together I feel like I'm abandoning him to go home and leave him there.

I wouldn't parade him around the place or try and force him on my family as he'd spend 90% of the five days in my own apartment but I'm just looking for some way to see them both on Christmas Day so neither feels like I've chosen the other.

I know what you mean about focussing on the two of them rather than myself but I've come to accept that my life will always be about finding a balance between my loved ones. It's not a huge sacrifice to make its just a bit problematic in terms of logistics for 'big days'.

unknowngirl!! · 24-10-2016 01:07PM

A huge thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to post here. You wouldn't believe how helpful it is to bounce ideas around and get some outside opinion - it's been therapeutic for me!

In response to some points made my mother hasn't always been like this and she isn't always like this either. It is a very bad time for her and she seems to be becoming bitter and angry. However, she can still be the kindest and most supportive person too. It's not all doom and gloom! I feel like I'm being unjust to her painting a very negative picture.

My dad always looked out and did everything for his family so I don't know what he'd think. He'd probably see it for what it is and tell me to make my own decision as there are two sides to the problem.

I've had a good chat with one of my brothers and he's going to try talk to my Mam about things. She was very close to her sisters but they are starting to lose patience with her as she is constantly in bad form lately and isn't great company. Luckily my Mam has great friends and will meet them one or twice a week. However, there is still a lot of empty time in the week and it's this void which is killing her. She hates the winter and finds the long nights dreadful and lonely. I do feel very sorry for my Mam because I know how full and happy her life was and now it's all slipping away. It's difficult not to feel like I'm causing further trauma being away and trying to change the dynamics of Christmas.

Thanks again to everyone.

coolcat63 · 24-10-2016 02:21PM

Another vote here for either staying in Paris or inviting your boyfriend to YOUR apartment for the holiday. If you don't make a stand now you will find yourself in the same situation for many Christmases to come.
On a wider point can you encourage your mum to join social (or even dating) groups? She's still young (2 years younger than me!) and has a lot of life to live. Would she come and visit you in France? Or think of travelling as a volunteer? Or take in lodgers for company and income?

miamee · 24-10-2016 02:27PM

It sounds like your mam is very unhappy if she is in such bad form with everyone these days - not just you by the sounds of it. Does she have close friends that she can confide in? Although I'd be inclined to do things my own way (i.e. bring your bf home for Christmas) I'd also be treading as carefully as possible and treating her with kindness when you can. It sounds like she doesn't have much going on for herself so she is living for the times that her family are around her, putting undue pressure on you all to play your part of the happy family without making any changes.

BetsyEllen · 24-10-2016 02:53PM

Edited to delete my comment - I just went back and read the whole thread!

Your Mother is very selfish and I hope you can resolve this in a way that makes you happy and have a lovely Christmas with your boyfriend.

If I was to go abroad with my partner though for Christmas and was told 'in the morning I'll be going to mass with my family, opening presents with them etc so you can stay in the apartment whilst I do that. Then I'll be back to you in the afternoon', I'd feel disappointed.
Your OH should be included in the whole day, don't let your Mother's selfishness ruin what could be a special day together for you and your partner.

Do you think there's a danger that your Mother could make him feel 'in the way' and unwanted on the day? If he is going to be around, will he be treated nicely by her? It's not fair on him if he's going to be 'punished' for simply being there.

I would probably have chosen to stay in France with him instead of putting him in an incredibly awkward situation.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-10-2016 03:16PM

Has your mother ever worked? Would she like to work? She could even volunteer in a charity shop. My mother-in-law volunteers in a charity shop one day a week and loves it. I also know of people who teach adult literacy courses and love it. Because you are dealing with adults, usually the older generation, who are there because they want to be and who are eager to learn.

Of course your mam probably isn't going to go looking for any of this, but if you knew someone who might approach her and ask her it might be more likely to work. She is lonely. And she is bitter. And she is sad. 5 years might seem like "time to get on with it now" for many people, but for the bereaved person it could still feel like year 1. My friend was bereaved young and still struggles daily. 4 years later. And on top of that she also struggles with the attitude that she should be "over it" now. She's not, and maybe never will be. But unlike your mother she is forcing herself to continue on. Sometimes if she's at something and enjoying herself she'll suddenly leave. She has told me that it just hits her that she's enjoying herself and she looks around for him, and realises he's not there.

There's no time limit on grief. But your mother can't expect all of you to put your lives in hold for her. I think if you can find someone who might approach her with an offer of voluntary work, or needing help somewhere etc it will act as a distraction for her and maybe fill some of the void that's there. She's too young to just give up. But she's equally too young to be widowed. It's a tough situation.

unknowngirl!! · 24-10-2016 04:27PM

My mam works 23 hrs a week in a managerial position. She opted for reduced hours after she went back to work. The company are starting to put pressure on her to take on more hours but she really doesn't want to. She has actually started looking elsewhere because she is feeling the pressure from her regional to increase her contract. Working is so important though and if she gave it up it would be a disaster. If nothing else it gives her a reason to get up in the morning and get out of the house.

Coming to France is not an option. I think she has blacklisted the country for taking me. Last year she went on a big walking holiday with her six best friends and she lived for it! They trained twice or three times a week for months and it gave my Mam a focus. I know she'd love to do more of this but she wouldn't do it on her own and would need a group to do it with.

In terms of lodgers she does Airbnb in my apartment when I'm not there and she really enjoys it! It's been really successful and she's met some great people. She is so kind to the guests and it's a bit of company for her around the place!

I don't think there is any danger my mother would be unkind or make my boyfriend feel unwelcome. It's just not in her nature. She's the type of person who will probably go out and buy a gift and put it under the tree. I think it's more the anxiety of letting go of the past that once was than anything else. My only fear is pushing her boundaries too much and driving her to do something rash. The allusions to 'I'm barely keeping my head above water' and comments like 'I've a plan for when I can't take it any longer' worry me. But then on the other hand I realise it's probably just a way of making me feel guilty and trying to get me back home.

Big Bag of Chips what you said is identical to how my mother is. She doesn't feel free to have any enjoyment and the second she finds herself happy she just runs away and stays in the house. Often people make comments like 'it's great to see you out and about' when she's doing groceries or in the post office (she hasn't been in a bar or out socially since my dad's death) and then she gets paranoid thinking that she shouldn't be out and that people are judging her for continuing like normal. It would be great for her to talk to a bereavement councillor. That's definitely the priority now.

witchgirl26 · 24-10-2016 05:09PM

unknowngirl!! wrote: »

Big Bag of Chips what you said is identical to how my mother is. She doesn't feel free to have any enjoyment and the second she finds herself happy she just runs away and stays in the house. Often people make comments like 'it's great to see you out and about' when she's doing groceries or in the post office (she hasn't been in a bar or out socially since my dad's death) and then she gets paranoid thinking that she shouldn't be out and that people are judging her for continuing like normal. It would be great for her to talk to a bereavement councillor. That's definitely the priority now.

I definitly think if she's feeling like that a counselor would really help. I know my mam felt similar and felt bad for enjoying things in life after my dad passed but the counselor helped her see that it doesn't mean she loved him less or doesn't miss him. And that, generally, people are happy to see someone come out of the severe level of grief from the start of a bereavement.

I didn't see a counselor for 5 years after my dad died as I didn't need it till that point.

I can understand that your mother might want things to stay exactly how they were when your dad was alive/just after he died as it means she doesn't have to move forward and can act, in a way, like nothing has changed. Hopefully a counselor will help her with this.

Doesn't make it any easier on you though.

Aufbau · 25-10-2016 01:02AM

unknowngirl!! wrote: »

We were together over six months last Christmas and we didn't see each other. I felt bad for him being on his own but it was too soon to even imagine bringing him home. Now that we're living together I feel like I'm abandoning him to go home and leave him there.

I wouldn't parade him around the place or try and force him on my family as he'd spend 90% of the five days in my own apartment but I'm just looking for some way to see them both on Christmas Day so neither feels like I've chosen the other.

I know what you mean about focussing on the two of them rather than myself but I've come to accept that my life will always be about finding a balance between my loved ones. It's not a huge sacrifice to make its just a bit problematic in terms of logistics for 'big days'.

OP, Christmas will sort itself out someway or another and you'll all survive.

Your post is worrying though, it sounds like you're carrying the responsibility for ensuring the happiness of your mum and your boyfriend. That must be really stressful and restrictive. Please think about booking in for a few sessions with a counsellor/psychotherapist, maybe in the new year, just for yourself. I think it could be really helpful to have the space to talk about yourself and how things are for you, to have time just for you where you're the important one.

I hope you'll find the time. And I hope Christmas is wonderful at the end of it all - you're a very loving and compassionate person.

Hmm_Messiah · 26-10-2016 03:53PM

There are two different problems

(1) This Christmas - to answer the practical aspect. OF COURSE travel here with your boyfriend, you would have so much regret and confusion if time slipped by and it was not possible. After booking the flights then settle on what arrangement works. I think for this year ONLY the expense of a hotel etc would be worthwhile. When you are physically with your mother you can gauge things better. Limit the exclusion of your boyfriend to the shortest time (25/26) . Also allow yourself some special time with your boyfriend - A Christmas Eve supper - or if he is not really into the Christmas thing have a special New Year Eve

(2) Your mum is a whole thread in itself. I am a little surprised at the small flat setup - it looks like you committed yourself to being with or close to your Mum. She is a very young woman still; if grieving etc she needs to talk to GP or get counselling after 5 years . SOme of the things you say she said are very unreasonable and unfair to burden some one with when they are in a different country. If you are willing agree the setup for this year but emphasis to your mother - and family that it is changing. My famiy tend to assume I will do everything regarding my mum - unless specified they just assume its a role I have taken. Do not become me !!

Finally , enjoy your relationship, and the time of year. Like I said - I think very much the reality when physically in same area as your Mum at the time may be different. Even the realisation that your BF is now the lonely one might temporarily lift your mums personal concerns

Whocanibe · 27-10-2016 02:11PM

Op, You have been given some excellent advice here,and I can't really add to it, but a thought occurred to me as I was reading the thread. Looking at your Mam's age, I'm wondering if she is going through the Menopause, some women sail through it and for others it's a nightmare! It wont excuse her nasty outbursts,but together with the loss of her husband, could be just something more to add to her misery. It may be something to consider. There is help available if she is having a problem with it,but she would need to speak to her GP.

It's tough to be pulled in two directions, your Mam is very lucky to have you,and I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

Paddy Cow · 27-10-2016 04:56PM

unknowngirl!! wrote: »

I think it's more the anxiety of letting go of the past that once was than anything else. My only fear is pushing her boundaries too much and driving her to do something rash. The allusions to 'I'm barely keeping my head above water' and comments like 'I've a plan for when I can't take it any longer' worry me. But then on the other hand I realise it's probably just a way of making me feel guilty and trying to get me back home.

I was going to post this but you got there yourself. Your mother's demands are coming across as selfish and unreasonable but I think she is suffering massively from grief. She see's you moving on with your life and she's trying to hold onto the old times. This is not healthy for her. I really think it would help her if you brought your boyfriend over and stayed in your apartment. She will be fine and adjust. Sometimes people have to face their anxieties to let go of them.

I don't think you will be doing yourself, your boyfriend or your mother any favours by going to Ireland on your own. Next year will be the same. Your mother will just expect you to keep coming home. What happens if your boyfriend starts making you chose between them? Trying to please everyone can often backfire. If you lose your boyfriend or it creates problems between you, will you resent your mother?

It's a tricky situation but one that's always going to have to be faced. Bite the bullet and get it over with this year. Come a few days in advance if you can so your mother has time to get used to your boyfriend. She might actually like him!

unknowngirl!! · 04-01-2022 05:45PM

I've just randomly come across this old thread! As an update, I'm now married to that BF with two children. My mother loves them all and we've had many wonderful Christmasses together. I had the creeps reading back over this thread. Time has helped my mother a lot!

Christmas Tensions

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