Am I horrible?

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 08:21PM

Being honest, I do feel sad too. I am an intelligent and strong person, I know that, I know I could move on, I know I'd be ok. I also know things aren't good, I know what's going on isn't right, but at the same time, I feel like there's a constant battle in my head between knowing these things, and remembering all the good things about my OH too.

I feel like I am good to my OH, I do as much as I can for them and I do look after them as much as I can. I do make day to day life a lot easier for my OH. But I do worry that I ask for too much, if I'm being high maintainence.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 08:24PM

Penny Tration wrote: »

Op,the fact that your partner ONLY treats you like this is simply proof that she/he is abusive. They won't treat others like that because others wouldn't accept it, so the wear you down because you're the sap who stands by them and keeps coming back.

Of course your partner is wonderful in other ways - all abusers are! Abuse isn't 100% of the time, because if it were, we'd all run a mile if someome was nothing but abusive! so abusers are incredibly nice, supportive, kind and loving for 75% of the time, because how else can they keep you wrapped around their finger?

I've followed this thread from the start. And tbh, from what I'm reading now, you're an abuse victim and you need to stop giving this person more and more last chances. Forget the new year, forget their lies about how they'll change (they're lies, because they never followed through on those promises before, did they?), just go. You can't live like this. Changes from your partner will only be temporary, until they've placated you for long enough that you'll accept more abuse.

Thank you for following the thread and taking the time to reply. This reply hit me hard. I'm so confused about what to do. I feel totally torn apart. If I walk now, really walk and don't come back, I know that's it, we'll be over, and I don't think that's what I want

I love my OH, I really, really do. I'm so so confused

Big Bag of Chips · 14-10-2016 08:27PM

High maintenance?

What do you ask for that they actually give you, without question? Without huffing, or ending up in a mood?

If you are too high maintenance and just irritate your partner, maybe it's time to decide you two just aren't compatible?

You are doubting yourself and what should be "normal" in a 23 year old couple's relationship. You're blaming yourself and accepting fault where it doesn't seem justified. You know you give so much and get so little in return yet wonder is it because you ask for too much. Honestly, what do you ask for? An odd night out? A bit of respect?

They've done a great job on you, OP. You are exactly where they need you to be!

Penny Tration · 14-10-2016 08:30PM

AntiChew wrote: »

Thank you for following the thread and taking the time to reply. This reply hit me hard. I'm so confused about what to do. I feel totally torn apart. If I walk now, really walk and don't come back, I know that's it, we'll be over, and I don't think that's what I want I love my OH, I really, really do. I'm so so confused

I don't doubt for a second that you love them. I've been there, and I loved him. You wouldn't stay if you didn't love them.

But having eventually gotten out of that bad relationship, funnily enough at around your age (22), I eventually came to realise that I can have that much love, with someone else, someone who truly loves me in return and makes my life better simply by being in it.

I'm 27 now, and in a relationship where I know I'm loved, and i feel more love for this man than I ever did for my ex.

I'm not afraid of him being in a bad mood and snapping the head off me or insulting me, I'm able to go out without him being a moody pig all night. I can just be me, and be happy.

Don't you want that? I don't mean to be patronizing, but you're 23. This isn't the only love you'll ever have.

If your OH truly, truly makes your life better (you don't need to tell me if they do, just think about it), then stay.

But if there is any aspect of your life that they make more difficult, maybe it's time to think about why you want that?

Do the good times outweigh the bad? Or more so, is the good worth just taking all of the bad? Because I guarantee you, not all of the opposite gender are like that. You could have what you have now, minus the bad parts, with someone else, and know how it feels to be loved.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 08:34PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

High maintenance?

What do you ask for that they actually give you, without question? Without huffing, or ending up in a mood?

If you are too high maintenance and just irritate your partner, maybe it's time to decide you two just aren't compatible?

You are doubting yourself and what should be "normal" in a 23 year old couple's relationship. You're blaming yourself and accepting fault where it doesn't seem justified. You know you give so much and get so little in return yet wonder is it because you ask for too much. Honestly, what do you ask for? An odd night out? A bit of respect?

They've done a great job on you, OP. You are exactly where they need you to be!

I do ask for things, I'd would always have asked that my OH be open and honest with me, and try their best to talk to me if something is wrong, rather than bottle it up, as I felt this was leading to the snappy behaviour. I did ask that we go on a night out once every month or 6 weeks together with our friends, which my OH agreed too but then the physical incident and others happened.

I also did ask, and I felt very very bad about this, that on a night out, my OH did not drink any "shots" of alcohol. I asked this after the incident where they became physical with me, as my OH does not have a high tolerance for alcohol, and I noticed that their behaviour towards me was much much more aggressive, when they drank shots of alcohol. My OH did not like this and told me I was being controlling about how they should behave on nights out. I feel very bad about this and it makes me question if I'm controlling. But I really just didn't want another physical incident, as it still plays on my mind a lot.

Penny Tration · 14-10-2016 08:45PM

Asking them to drink less shots when theyre an aggressive, sometimes violent drunk isn't controlling in the slightest. It's actually far less than I'd be asking. If my boyfriend were to ever get aggressive with me on drink, I'd be telling him to choose between me and drink.

The fact that you actually think you're controlling for asking for things that are absolutely standard in good relationships (nights out together, avoid things that make you behave badly, etc), shows just how badly they've manipulated you

Big Bag of Chips · 14-10-2016 08:46PM

You shouldn't have to ask. And they shouldn't have to discuss it with their counsellor. They don't have "anger issues" or whatever. They have "you issues". Because they don't treat others like that.

I'm sure your relationship has really good points. And I'm sure at the beginning it was brilliant. You fell in love with a wonderful person who adored you, respected you, enjoyed being with you etc. But that is not the person you are with now. The more they asked for, the more you gave, so the more they expected. That was how it worked, and that's how it ended up here now. You've always done all you can to accommodate them. Without looking for much in return. So now when you have the cheek to ask for something it's not greeted too well. Because that's not how it works. You give. They take. Not the other way around.

It has just become a very bad habit now. It may change... But it probably won't. It will take a huge wakeup call for it to sink in to them that you are supposed to be 2 equals. Mental health seems to be the handy fall back here. And because its mental health you feel awful for feeling bad about how you are being treated. Because "they can't help it".

They can, and they do.

I'm glad you posted, and I'm glad you realised that you are not being unreasonable. That's unanimous. It will take you a lot longer to work this out. Nobody expects you to sort it all out before Monday. I'm just glad it has at least made you think.

Penny Tration · 14-10-2016 08:51PM

To add to what BBoC said about mental health - it's no excuse at all. The fact that they control themselves around other people proves that it's not their mental health causing this. That they use mental health as an excuse to be abusive is simply insulting to those of us who have genuine mental illnesses and work our asses off to get help, get better, stay stable and keep our relationships healthy.

Over the weekend, have a think. Think about what you want from your future, what you truly want. And think about if your partner can provide it, be a part of it, or if it'll be very difficult or flat out impossible with them.

Then think about calling AMEN or Women's Aid. You dont have to dump your OH over the weekend, but think about your life, your wants, your needs, your happiness, and make a call to chat about it with someone who can help you with your muddled thoughts.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 08:57PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You shouldn't have to ask. And they shouldn't have to discuss it with their counsellor. They don't have "anger issues" or whatever. They have "you issues". Because they don't treat others like that.

I'm sure your relationship has really good points. And I'm sure at the beginning it was brilliant. You fell in love with a wonderful person who adored you, respected you, enjoyed being with you etc. But that is not the person you are with now. The more they asked for, the more you gave, so the more they expected. That was how it worked, and that's how it ended up here now. You've always done all you can to accommodate them. Without looking for much in return. So now when you have the cheek to ask for something it's not greeted too well. Because that's not how it works. You give. They take. Not the other way around.

It has just become a very bad habit now. It may change... But it probably won't. It will take a huge wakeup call for it to sink in to them that you are supposed to be 2 equals. Mental health seems to be the handy fall back here. And because its mental health you feel awful for feeling bad about how you are being treated. Because "they can't help it".

They can, and they do.

I'm glad you posted, and I'm glad you realised that you are not being unreasonable. That's unanimous. It will take you a lot longer to work this out. Nobody expects you to sort it all out before Monday. I'm just glad it has at least made you think.

Just in response to this, I think I might have put the mental health issues across badly. My OH never uses their mental health issues as an excuse for their behaviour, they never have. My OH will freely admit that they don't know why the do this and they know how wrong it is and took full responsibility for the fact that they are causing these problems.

I have asked my OH, if it is a problem with me, if they do want to break up but don't have the heart to do it, please tell me, because we'd both be happier, but they swear this isn't it.

I've been thinking about this a lot today, and I really do think I'd be heart broken if we were to break up tonight, but I know this isn't right. At the same time, I don't know would breaking up make me happy, I'd miss my OH so much. My OH very quickly became my best friend and has always been there for me if I need to talk (I had a very difficult past, much of which was very publicly broadcast in national papers) lots of people would have run a mile at this, but my OH stuck with me.

I wonder would suggesting a "break" be any benefit? I think my OH would benefit for it, just a clean break, I'll go away for say two weeks, let my OH be young and single and decide if this is really what they want, or if we really are done and my OH just couldn't see it, therefore began taking it out on me?

Big Bag of Chips · 14-10-2016 09:10PM

Why do you need them to make the decision? If you want to end it, then you have a right too. If you don't want to end it then you stay together and work together to make your relationship one you are both happy in. Again you are handing all the power to them. Letting them be the master of your future.

I'd suggest relationship counselling but it's an awful lot for a young 23 year old couple to take on. You have no children, you have nothing tying you down. These years should be the happiest and most exciting of your entire relationship. Plenty of time to be annoyed at each other and snappy when you're into week 6 of 3 hours sleep a night!! You shouldn't need counselling. You shouldn't need for it to be an effort to be nice to each other. It should be automatic. If you were out and some randomer said some of the things they say how would it make you feel? How would it make them feel?

You will be old before your time of things don't change. All you can do, for now, is hope they do.

Yintang · 14-10-2016 10:11PM

I think a break is exactly what's needed here, give you both some headspace and a bit of perspective.

As an aside, is there a particular reason that you choose not to specify whether your partner is male or female by referring to him /her as "they" all the time? Just curious.

ahappychappy · 14-10-2016 11:24PM

As someone who lived, had children with a partner who made several suicide attempts and was hospitalised numerous times. Live your life, make decisions for you. If you don't you will eventually feel tied down, restricted by the care of your partner and this will cause resentment. If you can make your choices with your partner then go for it if not then move on. If you dont take care of yourself then you cant be supportive of a partner with mental health issues, it is oxegen first rule.

amtc · 15-10-2016 07:04AM

My mam went through something similar when she was 22 and newly expecting me. This continued all through my childhood. She said to me many times she wished in a way she'd been hit as she would've had to leave. My dad emotionally controlled her for years. Now she has a better social life than him. Poignantly she said to me yesterday how she never knew intimacy. It had a big effect on me, it's only this year I realised relationships were about looking in the same direction.

Don't settle, you're too young

Dial Hard · 15-10-2016 10:08AM

Jesus, OP, it's just excuse after excuse after excuse with you. You are getting sterling advice here from people who've come out the other side of abusive relationships, who KNOW exactly how abusers operate and how they keep their partners hooked, but every time someone points out that this is how your partner is behaving, you just backtrack and seek to blame yourself.

I'm guessing from the fact that you have so studiously avoided using any gender signifiers that you're male and your partner is female. Is it possible that you have this idea in your head that women "can't" abuse men? Or is it embarrassment at what others might think that's stopping you admitting what's going on and walking away?

I really think you should have a read of the Amen site.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-10-2016 10:30AM

I don't think anybody here doubts that you really love your OH (girlfriend?) to the point of addiction. You're so completely and utterly in thrall to this person, so addicted, so manipulated by them, that you can't bring yourself to think of a life without them in it. If you can bring yourself to do so, would you go and get some counselling for yourself? Ring AMEN (046) 902 3718 or Women's Aid 1800 341 900. Or see if you can access a counsellor. Perhaps they'll help you get some clarity.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 01:53PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

Jesus, OP, it's just excuse after excuse after excuse with you.

Sorry

I know it must be very frustrating to read my replies. I just wasn't expecting the responses to be so resounding. I think now that giving it to the new year isn't an option, my OH knows this is it and if things go south again (and I think they will) I'm going to walk.

Thank you all for the help

LynnGrace · 15-10-2016 03:58PM

OP, I don't have much to add to the advice given. I have nephews and nieces around your age, and it would absolutely break my heart to know that one of them was in the situation that you are in. And if they came to me for help, I would have no hesitation in offering to have them stay, help them to tell parents, or whatever it was they needed, in order to get out of there.

Please, please read and reread the advice given, especially from those who have been in similar situations and got out, and found much better relationships and better lives.

You deserve so much better, you really do. I just want to send you a big hug.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 08:14PM

Thank you all for following this thread and for your advice. I have a lot to think about and realise that now.

Also, just in response to a couple of posters asking about using gender neutrals i.e. They, instead of he/she; the reason I have been doing this is more to protect identity more than anything.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 08:29PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I don't think anybody here doubts that you really love your OH (girlfriend?) to the point of addiction. You're so completely and utterly in thrall to this person, so addicted, so manipulated by them, that you can't bring yourself to think of a life without them in it. If you can bring yourself to do so, would you go and get some counselling for yourself? Ring AMEN (046) 902 3718 or Women's Aid 1800 341 900. Or see if you can access a counsellor. Perhaps they'll help you get some clarity.

In response to this post, I will definitely consider it, I just need to work up a bit of courage. There's still a little voice in my head telling me it's not that bad and to cop on. I think if I said to my OH that I thought to we're being "abusive or manipulative" they'd scoff at it or put it back on me. The last two days have both been ok, and we have nice plans for tomorrow, so hopefully things continue to go ok. I think I will make that phonecall though, and maybe start writing things down from now.

njs030 · 15-10-2016 08:43PM

AntiChew wrote: »

I think if I said to my OH that I thought to we're being "abusive or manipulative" they'd scoff at it or put it back on me.

A very basic tactic of abuse op. In a caring relationship a person would be horrified to know their partner felt this way and would immediately take steps to resolve it.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 08:55PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

A very basic tactic of abuse op. In a caring relationship a person would be horrified to know their partner felt this way and would immediately take steps to resolve it.

I'm using every wish and prayer that I have that things go well from here on, because I know I'll have to go otherwise, and I'm so scared

LynnGrace · 15-10-2016 09:00PM

AntiChew wrote: »

I'm using every wish and prayer that I have that things go well from here on, because I know I'll have to go otherwise, and I'm so scared

OP is there anyone that you can turn to at all? If not parents, maybe friends, aunts, uncles, anyone?

One of the things about abusive relationships is that the abuser will be 'nice' lots of the time, otherwise the other person would walk away. Plus it keeps the other person wondering if they are right about being in an abusive relationship.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 09:04PM

LynnGrace wrote: »

OP is there anyone that you can turn to at all? If not parents, maybe friends, aunts, uncles, anyone?

One of the things about abusive relationships is that the abuser will be 'nice' lots of the time, otherwise the other person would walk away. Plus it keeps the other person wondering if they are right about being in an abusive relationship.

There is, I know I could go back to my family, it wouldn't be a problem and although I'm totally drained financially from commuting for the past few months, I wouldn't be long getting back on my feet. I could go, I know that, I just don't know if I want to.

I love this person, I really really do. I made this massive move, to the other end of the country and feel like leaving now would be a total cop out and I'd be so disappointed, and I would miss my OH.

On the other hand, I'm 23, it's a Saturday night and I'm stuck in home, alone, while my OH is off enjoying a night out that I didn't go on because the last few have ended so badly and I didn't want to risk more abuse

Ursus Horribilis · 15-10-2016 09:15PM

Maybe ring Women's Aid/AMEN as a first step. It's only a phone call and you don't have to commit to anything. I get the impression that you're afraid to talk to people you know in real life because it has the potential to wrench you away from your OH.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 09:18PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Maybe ring Women's Aid/AMEN as a first step. It's only a phone call and you don't have to commit to anything. I get the impression that you're afraid to talk to people you know in real life because it has the potential to wrench you away from your OH.

You hit the nail on the head being honest

that's what I'll do, I'll call them Monday. I know I should be living my life and I am a logical person, I know I'd be ok. I know I'd thrive in work, I know I'd get myself travelling, I know I'd meet someone else. But I don't know would I meet anybody as good as my OH

Ursus Horribilis · 15-10-2016 09:24PM

Take baby steps here. Ring them and have a chat. Don't worry about the bigger picture for now.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 09:29PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Take baby steps here. Ring them and have a chat. Don't worry about the bigger picture for now.

Thank you. That's exactly what I'm going to do.

I just feel so silly because I am a very strong, sociable, brave person. I'm the one people come to for advice. Whenever I'd be on a night out, I was always the joker, "the life and soul of the party", and when I'm out now without my OH, I still am. I'm chatty and bubbly and stubborn at times too! I just worry people wouldn't believe me, I know if I did go to someone to confide in them, they would probably find the incident where my OH became physical hard to believe.

Dial Hard · 15-10-2016 09:47PM

AntiChew wrote:

You hit the nail on the head being honest that's what I'll do, I'll call them Monday.

Call them tonight OP. What possible reason is there for you to delay? Hand on heart?

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 09:49PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

Call them tonight OP. What possible reason is there for you to delay? Hand on heart?

Being honest I didn't spot the opening times of the phone lines and presumed they'd be closed for the weekend.

I suppose there's an element of fear too, and not knowing what to say, where to start?

Stheno · 15-10-2016 09:52PM

AntiChew wrote: »

Being honest I didn't spot the opening times of the phone lines and presumed they'd be closed for the weekend.

I suppose there's an element of fear too, and not knowing what to say, where to start?

Start with what you posted in your op

Am I horrible?

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