Am I horrible?

stargazer 68 · 14-10-2016 09:46AM

Op my daughter is 23 and if she came to me and told me what you have written here I would be packing her bags for her! I know its easy for strangers on the internet to tell you to up and leave but you wouldnt have posted here if you didn't know it was the right thing to do. Look at 5 years down the line - do you stil want to be where to you are now? The resentment in you will build and build - we have seen countless threads on here where someone didn't take an opportunity and regretted it.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 09:54AM

Hi,

Very overwhelmed and grateful for all the advice and support. I have a lot to think about and decisions to make, that's for sure. I'm just so confused.

I attempted to speak to my OH last night about the way I was feeling and that I realise now I'm feeling this way because of their behaviour, not mine. My OH became a bit upset and stormed off, but ce back a few minutes later and apologised and assured me things are going to change. That the comments and the way they speak to me will change and it'll just be good times from here out.

I explained to my OH that I had heard a lot of that before a nothing changed but my OH said they have been working on this with their counsellor and things will change. I said we can give it to the new year, and if things haven't changed then I'm gone. We book trips and weekends away as much as we can and I feel like this kind of keeps us together between fights, so we both agreed to make no plans for the new year.

I didn't even get to bring up the travel aspect, I suppose I'm giving my OH the benefit of the doubt and hoping they will change. If this behaviour changed then I would be happy to wait a year and travel with my OH, which they would want to do too, but I would not go with my OH the way things are not.

Thank you all so much for the advice. I'm gonna to speak to my OH about the travel issue tonght, it just would've been too much last night and I'm very very drained from everything. I really do appreciate the help.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-10-2016 10:12AM

Good luck, OP. You have such a good heart, and the problem with having a good heart is sometimes people take it for granted that they can do/say whatever because you will always forgive and support them.

I wish I was 23 again. I don't have many regrets in life, but if I was back at 23 I would do a lot more before I settled down with a husband with mental health issues (note, I'd probably still have settled down with them regardless of the troubles

) There is nothing to stop you settling down in 7 or 8 years time with them when you still have plenty of life ahead of you, and a lot more experience behind you.

You've laid your cards on the table now and they've promised a change. You need to have the courage of your conviction and stick to your plan. I have a feeling things will slip back to "normal" pretty quickly. And if you continue to accept it, then it will continue to happen. You're 23. On the cusp of adulthood with a whole world in front of you.

You support your OH in every way you can. You also deserve to be supported and encouraged.

Good luck.

Skibunny77 · 14-10-2016 10:32AM

Op, am glad you put your needs on the table and were assertive enough to stick with it. I would still encourage you to think about counselling yourself. Behaviours to watch out for - complete attentiveness to your needs for a period of time, followed by development of other personal problems used as an excuse for poor behaviour, using going to counselling as an excuse - the 'I'll behave badly and then discuss this endlessly with counsellor without any significant change' approach. Read that book I suggested earlier, worst case scenario I'm completely wrong and you waste a tenner. Hope everything works out for you.

fungun · 14-10-2016 11:25AM

Relationships should be reasonably balanced in terms of give and take; otherwise people end up unhappy. Even if they love their OH.

I think this is what you are feeling. You keep saying you do love them and thats fine....but thats not enough. You cant always be looking out for them and thinking what is best for them, without them also doing that for you. Given what you have put in to helping them, Id be a little sad that no part of them is wanting you to have the things that you want as well.

groovyg · 14-10-2016 02:22PM

AntiChew wrote: »

Hi all,

As I mentioned above, neither of us were big on the party scene, however I did enjoy occasional nights out. These however became fewer and fewer as my OH often wasn't up to going out and if I went out alone with friends, my OH would get "huffy" and I began very isolated from my own group of friends. Eventually, I ended up spending all my time either working, doing college work to finish my degree, or with my OH. After a few months my OH was still feeling very low and decided that they needed to move closer to their family and wanted me to go too. I agreed without hesitation, I know its what my OH needed. It did however mean I was going to be commuting 6 hours a day, 4 times a week for 5 months, in order to finish my degree. This was incredibly draining for me both financially and physically, but we got through it. As well as this, moving meant I am 5 hours away from the city I was living in, which I loved, and I had to turn down a permanent contract in a job I would have loved. I am now unemployed, awaiting a start date up here with a different company, in a job I am qualified for, but know I won't enjoy.

Op you seem to be in a very full on suffocating relationship. At 23 you need to look at developing career opportunities for you because the longer you are unemployed the worse it looks on your CV and then it becomes harder to get a job. As for taking a job and a role you are not going to enjoy that's absolute madness, this will lead to you becoming even more miserable and very unhappy. Also if you move to the UK with him can you get a job in the area you are qualified in?
You seem to be ready to do everything your partner asks you to do but this isn't reciprocated by your partner. Relationships are two way street of give and take. I really think you should look at going to Australia - 6 months is nothing and would be over before you know it, would you even get employment for that length of time as its such a short time-frame.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 03:44PM

Again, without wanting to say too much as I'm conscious if somebody I know seeing my post, I'm not worried about getting work as there is a big demand for what I'm qualified in. I turned down the permanent contract where I wanted, but I already have a job gotten and contract signed for my new job here, all that's stopping me is the Garda Vetting backlog. I would also be able to secure work in Australia in my sector.

There are other things in interested in doing, I would love to go abroad for 6 weeks and volunteer, I have looked into this a lot lately and it is very feasible and would very much add to my cv and give me something to work towards, as well as it being a good thing to do and help others. I would be just as happy to do this as opposed to 6 months in Oz, but again, I want to do it alone and think it's important that I do.

I really hope things work out with me and my OH. It is and has been very suffocating at times, but it's also been wonderful and one of the best experiences I've ever had. I do love my OH, but this is it for me, if there isn't a change, I don't think I can take anymore excuses. I'm going to brooch the subject of me going away on my own tonight and hopefully it goes well and my OH is supportive.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 03:55PM

fungun wrote: »

Given what you have put in to helping them, Id be a little sad that no part of them is wanting you to have the things that you want as well.

It makes me sad too.

In saying that, my OH is very thoughtful other ways, albeit mostly materialistic. I would much rather my OH be supportive and open with me. I something think my OH doesn't realise how bad some of the things they say/do are, because the materialistic stuff is compensating for it maybe, but that's not what I want and have been very clear about that

groovyg · 14-10-2016 04:22PM

Op what happens when you go home to visit your own family? Does your OH go with you or are you allowed go alone? 6 weeks volunteering abroad is nothing do you not think its bizarre that you need his permission / support to go away? If he is living near his family he's got loads of support nearby.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 04:25PM

groovyg wrote: »

Op what happens when you go home to visit your own family? Does your OH go with you or are you allowed go alone? 6 weeks volunteering abroad is nothing do you not think its bizarre that you need his permission / support to go away? If he is living near his family he's got loads of support nearby.

A mixture of both, my family love my OH and my OH really does love them also and likes getting to see them. If I told my family or anyone really about the way things are, I doubt people would believe it. I'm a strong personality and I think people wouldn't believe it.

Regarding the permission bit, I'd never ask my OH for permission, nor would my OH 'forbid' me from doing something, it's not that bad, it's just very apparent there's a change in my OHs mood if I go out on nights out alone etc. or for example, the last night out was meant to be a celebration for something I achieved, all was going well but then my OH got silent and annoyed with me out of nowhere, but denied anything was wrong. My OH eventually told me it was because I was talking to their friends too much and not talking to my OH enough, I told my OH that I thought that was very unfair and my OH proceeded to get very drunk and when we returned home, very verbally abusive, punching walls, shouting etc.

14-10-2016 05:01PM

Your op gets into a strop when you are successful and not paying them enough attention on your special night? As if you dont give them everything the rest of the time?
Please just get out of there, life is so much more than this

Tigger99 · 14-10-2016 05:04PM

I hope you broach the subject when somebody else is in the house because you have no guarantee that he won't act like that again.

Imagine one of your friends wrote what you did. What would you say to her/him? It's no life for you, suffocating is a perfect. Albeit sad description of his behaviour.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 05:52PM

Tigger99 wrote: »

I hope you broach the subject when somebody else is in the house because you have no guarantee that he won't act like that again.

I really don't think there would be any possibility of this, it only happens after alcohol has been taken. The rest of the time it's just subtle comments.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-10-2016 06:30PM

Subtle comments like threatening to self-harm if you leave them?

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 06:41PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Subtle comments like threatening to self-harm if you leave them?

No, the subtle comments is when my OH might say things that are a bit nasty and put me down a bit. I spoke about that to my OH a lot last night and they said they don't know why they do it but they are talking to someone about it and will try to stop. I also brought up the self harm when I tried to leave before and the threats of it (which have been with alcohol) and they also said they will not do this again.

I just don't know what to do, I know this is the last chance for me, and I'm going to give it my everything to make it work. I just hope my OH does too. Although, I'm not optimistic

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 06:43PM

Also, just to state again, I am far from perfect in this relationship. I definitely take things to heart, probably a lot more than I should and I do wonder if I ignored some of this behaviour, instead of letting it get to me so much, would it go away.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-10-2016 06:45PM

I don't know what gender you are but have you ever taken a look at the FAQs on the Women's Aid/AMEN websites?

AMEN

Women's Aid (Emotional Abuse section)

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 06:58PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I don't know what gender you are but have you ever taken a look at the FAQs on the Women's Aid/

Thank you for that. I have had a look before, I suppose I'm just finding it hard to accept that things are that bad, that it can be defined as 'abuse'. Especially when my OH is so wonderful and supportive in many other ways.

Thank you all for the replies. I've found this all very overwhelming, but also very enlightening and a good support, it is very much appreciated.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-10-2016 07:05PM

Most people who treat their other halves badly have their good points too. They're not going around with horns on their heads or kicking the cat. Often it's the good times and these good points that keep their other half reeled in.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 07:17PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Often it's the good times and these good points that keep their other half reeled in.

And that's exactly where I'm at. All that's really keeping me here is knowing the good things and the good times we can have, if things change. I'm going to bring up me travelling tonight and see how that goes, I really hope my partner is supportive of it because I really want to do something for myself, as selfish and all as that sounds.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-10-2016 07:22PM

I hope your partner throws a strop of nuclear proportions and opens your eyes for once and for all. Reading what your partner has done to you and what you've put yourself through for them has my blood boiling. You deserve so much better than this.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 07:26PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I hope your partner throws a strop of nuclear proportions and opens your eyes for once and for all. Reading what your partner has done to you and what you've put yourself through for them has my blood boiling. You deserve so much better than this.

This kind of reply really makes me worry that I've made this out much worse than it is

I'm not locked in the house all day being battered or anything, and the really, really, bad times have only been when my OH has been drinking. And it takes two to tango, I shouldn't linger on things so much and could probably be more grateful for the things my OH does for me, instead of focusing on the negative.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-10-2016 07:27PM

I think you're minimising it.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 07:32PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think you're minimising it.

I'm worried I've done the opposite or that I shouldn't have mentioned the physical incident, because it was a once off and lower on the scale.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 07:33PM

AntiChew wrote: »

I'm worried I've done the opposite or that I shouldn't have mentioned the physical incident, because it was a once off and lower on the scale.

And as I've said, it takes two to tango, I do need to try harder also.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-10-2016 07:57PM

Very few people are focusing on the physical incident. It's more the constant chipping away at your self-esteem. The nasty comments. The subtle (and not do subtle) put downs. These don't only happen when they're drunk. And if they only behave so appallingly towards you when drunk then the solution would be simple. Stop drinking.

You don't have to be locked in the house and battered to be abused. If you were it would be more obvious, and in some ways easier to leave. Maybe "abused" is the wrong word but you are 100% being manipulated. And they are aware that they are doing it. As I said, do they treat everyone the same or just you? If it's just you then they have control over it and know exactly what they are doing, and who they can get away with it with.

How many chances, realistically, are you going to give them? Because they will slip up, soon. Maybe even think you're not serious about it all. So is this the final chance? Or do you give them one more chance after this one, once they've realised you are serious?

My friend left her verbally and physically abusive, alcoholic, cocaine addict husband finally after "leaving" a few times and always going back. He couldn't believe she actually left. For good. He blamed her for leaving saying she never "gave him a chance"!!! So expect your OH to slip up again, and then expect them to ask for another chance. Figure out yourself how many chances you are willing to give them. But understand that the more chances you give them, the more chances they'll expect.

AntiChew · 14-10-2016 08:06PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Very few people are focusing on the physical incident. It's more the constant chipping away at your self-esteem. The nasty comments. The subtle (and not do subtle) put downs. These don't only happen when they're drunk. And if they only behave so appallingly towards you when drunk then the solution would be simple. Stop drinking.

You don't have to be locked in the house and battered to be abused. If you were it would be more obvious, and in some ways easier to leave. Maybe "abused" is the wrong word but you are 100% being manipulated. And they are aware that they are doing it. As I said, do they treat everyone the same or just you? If it's just you then they have control over it and know exactly what they are doing, and who they can get away with it with.

How many chances, realistically, are you going to give them? Because they will slip up, soon. Maybe even think you're not serious about it all. So is this the final chance? Or do you give them one more chance after this one, once they've realised you are serious?

My friend left her verbally and physically abusive, alcoholic, cocaine addict husband finally after "leaving" a few times and always going back. He couldn't believe she actually left. For good. He blamed her for leaving saying she never "gave him a chance"!!! So expect your OH to slip up again, and then expect them to ask for another chance. Figure out yourself how many chances you are willing to give them. But understand that the more chances you give them, the more chances they'll expect.

This is what I fear. I really, really stressed last night that this was it, I'd give it to the new year and that was it (obviously unless there was another serious incident between now and then). I really focused on the fact that this is it for me. But I have done similar before and nothing has changed, if anything it got worse, so I'm struggling to see what will make it change this time.

I put that question to my OH, did they just think I'll put up with this forever? Because I won't. My OH said they fully understand that I will go and that they will really try. It is so difficult because my OH is so loving and caring in many other ways.

In response to your first question, it is just me that my OH treats like this. A few people have commented on it. A very good friend of mine said he noted a big change in my social life, the isolation. And a relative of my OH also said after I attempted to leave before but came back, that my OH needs to cop on and stop being so moody with me etc. but I dot think anybody would believe the extent of it. My OH was very very drink when the physical incident happened and claims not to remember it (which I believe) but my OH has made comments questioning whether it was as bad as I made it out to be. That makes me wonder if I am too dramatic about this, maybe it's not that bad.

fizififi · 14-10-2016 08:10PM

I met my OH when I was 20, amazingly kind generous etc. Very subtly manoeuvred to ensure I didn't keep my circle of friends, didn't go out on my own.Little comments to undermine my confidence . I didn't/couldn't walk away. 30 years later? 3 beautiful children who are adults & left home . But I very much regret not having had the strength & courage to walk away in the beginning, there are so many things I would have liked to do & realise that I have spent the best years of my life under the control of another. So my advice to you, OP, is walk away, fast, while you can. You will regret it if you don't.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-10-2016 08:16PM

OP, I feel so sad for you. You posted at first, from the heart. Laid out everything you were worrying about. But by bit you back tracked. Said it wasn't all bad. Made excuses etc. People have mentioned your family will undoubtedly be worried about you and you say they wouldn't see any of it. And yet you say one friend and one family member has commented.

They haven't seen anything that others haven't noticed too. If two people have noticed, others have. And if one person mentions something to someone else, others will start keeping an eye and noticing too.

I hope they cop the fk on. Because they stand to lose a lot more than they realise. You've always been there. Dependable. That's what they've come to take for granted now.

Penny Tration · 14-10-2016 08:18PM

Op,the fact that your partner ONLY treats you like this is simply proof that she/he is abusive. They won't treat others like that because others wouldn't accept it, so the wear you down because you're the sap who stands by them and keeps coming back.

Of course your partner is wonderful in other ways - all abusers are! Abuse isn't 100% of the time, because if it were, we'd all run a mile if someome was nothing but abusive! so abusers are incredibly nice, supportive, kind and loving for 75% of the time, because how else can they keep you wrapped around their finger?

I've followed this thread from the start. And tbh, from what I'm reading now, you're an abuse victim and you need to stop giving this person more and more last chances. Forget the new year, forget their lies about how they'll change (they're lies, because they never followed through on those promises before, did they?), just go. You can't live like this. Changes from your partner will only be temporary, until they've placated you for long enough that you'll accept more abuse.

Am I horrible?

Comments