Feel bad about putting my boyfriend in an awkward position ?

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 03:31PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What would you like to happen, OP?

Ive said already. Id like to go to lunch with him everyday but I don't want that to happen as Id feel guilty. And my question was what other people would expect in my situation, out of curiosity.

11-10-2016 03:33PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Mystery Egg wrote: »

There is something rather lop-sided about this. He has to choose between his friends and you at lunch times. But you get what you want either way.
Would you consider joining the group one day per week? You know, putting your boyfriend's desires ahead of your own.

Joining them is uncomfortable for me. Joining me for lunch is not uncomfortable for him. Im not forcing him to only have lunch with me so I don't see how Im being so selfish here

What's selfish is that you are not willing to make any sacrifices for him. It doesn't bode well for the future.
Social anxiety is no joke. My own partner deals with it. But our lives don't revolve around his anxiety.

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 03:41PM

Mystery Egg wrote: »

What's selfish is that you are not willing to make any sacrifices for him. It doesn't bode well for the future.
Social anxiety is no joke. My own partner deals with it. But our lives don't revolve around his anxiety.

Why should I have to 'sacrifice'? Im perfectly able to socialise and converse with all kinds of people, I just hate it is all. I want to enjoy my lunch. He has the choice to do either, not forcing him to do either. He's not making any sacrifices hardly to meet his OH for lunch every other day..? So why should I. Nothing is revolving around my anxiety

eviltwin · 11-10-2016 03:42PM

The problem isn't your boyfriend, it's your social anxiety.

It's one thing to prefer doing your own thing at lunchtime but you should be able to assimilate into groups without distress. As another poster said you'll find as you make your way through life that there will be situations involving large groups that are unavoidable. It's an important skill to be able to make small talk in these situations even if you feel anxious inside.

If you can't sort this out you're probably going to lose him.

Dixie Chick · 11-10-2016 03:44PM

I am not sure if it is coming across incorrectly (maybe it is just me) but you seem to be a bit sharp in some replies. Are you quite tense about this?

The thing is, and I feel bad saying this because you have a genuine anxiety disorder, but this could be dampening his college experience. Yes he loves you but that isn't really enough as he is a social kind. He probably would like the ease of just going for lunch and having a big laugh and easy flow with his friends and he might feel guilty leaving you lunch alone.

Ok, so what I would do? I would invent a plan a few days a week and give him the space to have lunch without thinking you are on your own and therefore no guilty feelings then.

Should you have to do that ? No?
Should he be able to have a guilt free lunch? Yes
Of course you arent directly stopping him but this is only a small microcosm of life ahead with an anxiety disorder.

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 03:46PM

Dixie Chick wrote: »

I am not sure if it is coming across incorrectly (maybe it is just me) but you seem to be a bit sharp in some replies. Are you quite tense about this?

The thing is, and I feel bad saying this because you have a genuine anxiety disorder, but this could be dampening his college experience. Yes he loves you but that isn't really enough as he is a social kind. He probably would like the ease of just going for lunch and having a big laugh and easy flow with his friends and he might feel guilty leaving you lunch alone.

Ok, so what I would do? I would invent a plan a few days a week and give him the space to have lunch without thinking you are on your own and therefore no guilty feelings then.

Should you have to do that ? No?
Should he be able to have a guilt free lunch? Yes
Of course you arent directly stopping him but this is only a small microcosm of life ahead with an anxiety disorder.

Yes I am insecure about my anxiety and posters telling me Ill never get a job and lose my boyfriend because of it are naturally not nice things to hear:(
And maybe it does dampen his experience but having to eat with large groups everyday downright ruins my experience, dread it everyday until lunch time comes and then I can relax. So really I don't feel its a fair tradeoff, I absolutely dread every lunch so he can have a guilt free one. Everybodys a winner there

dee_mc · 11-10-2016 03:49PM

wakka12 wrote:

Why should I have to 'sacrifice'? Im perfectly able to socialise and converse with all kinds of people, I just hate it is all.

I'm no expert but that doesn't sound like social anxiety, it sounds like introversion.
Have you actually been diagnosed with anything or did you just decide you have social phobia and anxiety, because what you've described here doesn't correlate with either of those conditions really?

Dixie Chick · 11-10-2016 03:49PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Yes I am insecure about my anxiety and posters telling me Ill never get a job and lose my boyfriend because of it are naturally not nice things to hear:(

There was also a lot of posts where people tried to help. You must expect a bit of an opinion you do not want to hear when you post online.

Anyway, you want to see what you can do.What did you think of my suggestion above? DId you see that?

Big Bag of Chips · 11-10-2016 03:50PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Ive said already. Id like to go to lunch with him everyday but I don't want that to happen as Id feel guilty.

It's irrelevant what others want. I could tell you I wouldn't want to have lunch with my boyfriend any day, preferring instead to meet him in the evening, but that doesn't mean that that would work for you.

Personal Issues/Relationship Issues is an advice forum, not a forum for polling opinions. So people will advise you on your situation. You want him to have lunch with you every day but you don't want him to have lunch with you everyday. So what do you actually want? Do you want him to want to have lunch with you every day?!

Do you want to be crippled forever more by anxiety? Do you want anxiety to dictate your life? And the lives of those you care about? You say you'd like to go for lunch with him everyday, but you don't want to pressure him into having lunch alone with you everyday. I think you are probably being a bit passive aggressive towards him hoping that he'll offer to give up his friends for you everyday. And maybe even making his feel guilty on the days you sit alone whilst he sits in a group. It can't last, OP. It's exhausting adjusting yourself, and giving up yourself for someone else. Every relationship needs compromise. But the compromise has to be evenly shared. If one person is always compromising to accommodate the other then there's an imbalance in the relationship that can add unnecessary strain to a relationship.

He sounds like a really good guy. A guy that accommodates your anxiety more than another probably would. But you need to meet him half way.

I live with someone who suffers with depression and anxiety. And whilst I love him, I honestly believe if I'd known what problems it would cause in our relationship I may have thought twice about starting one with him. I was only thinking of this the other day, and imaginging the conversations I may have with my children in the future if they were looking like getting into a relationship with someone with anxiety, or indeed if they suffer with anxiety themselves. I understand it's a terrible life for the sufferer, but it's no walk in the park for those closest to them either. It's a lonely, isolating condition. It isolates the sufferer, and it isolates their nearest and dearest. Nobody really knows the extent it in my case. And I don't speak about it or look for support from family or friends, out of a loyalty to them.

Enjoying time with his friends is his release. He obviously loves you. But, and no disrespect meant to you, speaking from experience it is good to have people outside of your relationship that you can unwind with. It doesn't mean that he loves you any less. If anything, having that space could be the thing that ultimately keeps your relationship going.

11-10-2016 03:51PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Why should I have to 'sacrifice'? Im perfectly able to socialise and converse with all kinds of people, I just hate it is all. I want to enjoy my lunch. He has the choice to do either, not forcing him to do either. He's not making any sacrifices hardly to meet his OH for lunch every other day..? So why should I. Nothing is revolving around my anxiety

His choice to have lunch with you is not made in a vacuum. He obviously wants you to join him and the group. Perhaps you should do so, just occasionally. I only suggested doing what he would like 20% of the time, with 80% of the time you getting to be alone or have lunch with him. You want 100%. Okay. But let's call it what it is: selfish.
If the group are unkind to you, or a$$holes generally, then I understand your refusal to join them. But otherwise, for his sake, perhaps you should consider it.
My partner hates parties. I love them. We compromise. He comes sometimes, and sometimes I go alone. And sometimes, neither of us go, because he might need a quiet night with me. That's compromise.

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 03:51PM

dee_mc wrote: »

I'm no expert but that doesn't sound like social anxiety, it sounds like introversion.
Have you actually been diagnosed with anything or did you just decide you have social phobia and anxiety, because what you've described here doesn't correlate with either of those conditions really?

Yes I have been diagnosed with anxiety. I can converse and socialise well with people, its all a facade. Im extremely uncomfortable and nervous on the inside while doing so, extreme fear of being judged by them. Appearing normal doesn't mean I don't have social anxiety

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 03:52PM

Dixie Chick wrote: »

There was also a lot of posts where people tried to help. You must expect a bit of an opinion you do not want to hear when you post online.

Anyway, you want to see what you can do.What did you think of my suggestion above? DId you see that?

Yes I did, I appreciated your reply.

Dixie Chick · 11-10-2016 03:55PM

It is not easy for you. It is a hard road and now seeing that you have been diagnosed I hope there is some kind of help plan as well. You fella sounds really nice in fairness i hope that you can reach a compromise, 50/50 compromise that you can accept.

dee_mc · 11-10-2016 03:56PM

wakka12 wrote:

Yes I have been diagnosed with anxiety. I can converse and socialise well with people, its all a facade. Im extremely uncomfortable and nervous on the inside while doing so, extreme fear of being judged by them. Appearing normal doesn't mean I don't have social anxiety

I didn't mean that in any judgemental way, just to clarify, asking out of genuine curiosity!
I think you've had a lot of constructive advice here so far and I hope you try to use some of it to move forward: coping with anxiety isn't easy but you can progress, with help, to a point where it's not so central to and intrusive of things.

eviltwin · 11-10-2016 03:57PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Yes I am insecure about my anxiety and posters telling me Ill never get a job and lose my boyfriend because of it are naturally not nice things to hear:(
And maybe it does dampen his experience but having to eat with large groups everyday downright ruins my experience, dread it everyday until lunch time comes and then I can relax. So really I don't feel its a fair tradeoff, I absolutely dread every lunch so he can have a guilt free one. Everybodys a winner there

I have social anxiety. Like you I prefer my own company. Talking to strangers or people who intimidate me makes me uncomfortable and nervous. You'd probably never know it thought because I'm able to hide it well and use different things I've learned to stay calm. In other words it doesn't hold me back. It's holding you back.

Losing your boyfriend is not inevitable but you come across as very needy and that's suffocating. Even if he puts up with it, it's not normal. Life doesn't come with a remote control, if you want to change it you have to do it yourself. You both deserve better than this.

meeeeh · 11-10-2016 04:28PM

wakka12 wrote: »

So really I don't feel its a fair tradeoff, I absolutely dread every lunch so he can have a guilt free one. Everybodys a winner there

There is poor me attitude again. You say you don't go for lunch with his friends so how are you any worse off than you would be if you were single? I actually understand how you would want to have lunch every so often with just himself or him having lunch with you and your friends. You shouldn't have to become friends with his friends just so you can spend time with him. I know plenty of people who don't particularly like each others friends and they make it work. You can too but don't try emotional blackmail because then people just roll their eyes and do their own thing.

Mr. Incognito · 11-10-2016 05:04PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Why should I have to 'sacrifice'? Im perfectly able to socialise and converse with all kinds of people, I just hate it is all. I want to enjoy my lunch. He has the choice to do either, not forcing him to do either. He's not making any sacrifices hardly to meet his OH for lunch every other day..? So why should I. Nothing is revolving around my anxiety

Because he is sacrificing every day and putting you first.

Any decent person would recognise that and recopricate the effort.

Big Bag of Chips · 11-10-2016 05:19PM

Why should I have to 'sacrifice'? Im perfectly able to socialise and converse with all kinds of people, I just hate it is all. I want to enjoy my lunch. He has the choice to do either, not forcing him to do either.

Just on this, you are perfectly able, you just hate it. So much like him, you also have the choice to do either and you choose to not sit with others because you hate it. He chooses to sit with other because he enjoys it! He's not forcing you to sit with his friends, but he'd like if you did.

You could join him if you wanted to. Sometimes, often times, we have to put ourselves out of our comfort zone. And always, we come out the other side, unscathed!

Maybe one day you should try sit with the group. Think about what could happen. Worst case scenario. Worst possible thing you could do/say. Let your anxiety run wild for a while and come up with all sorts of scenarios. And then go for lunch anyway. Afterwards, think about it. Think about what happened. What you thought might happen. And see was it as bad as you had yourself convinced it would be.

The one thing you really really need to realise, is people are a lot less interested in you and your issues than you think! If you sit at the table and say not one word, very few will notice and NOBODY will actually comment about later. Everyone is too busy thinking about themselves! Nobody thinks about you a fraction of the amount you think about yourself. Honestly... Nobody really cares!!

meeeeh · 11-10-2016 05:22PM

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Because he is sacrificing every day and putting you first.

Any decent person would recognise that and recopricate the effort.

He is not in fairness. He eats with friends.

Ursus Horribilis · 11-10-2016 05:31PM

If your boyfriend posted here about this issue, people would be telling him it's not his job to enable or fix you. That you need to sort your anxiety out. You're coming across as very needy and self centered here, not to mention inflexible. The people talking about your future are spot on. You've lived a sheltered life to date and are thinking in a very small minded way. College is only a few short years out of your life. How do you plan to manage working in a job if you can't talk to strangers or make small talk over lunch? Make new friends after college? In some ways it's a crying shame you've hooked up with this guy because it's stopping you from getting the help you need.

njs030 · 11-10-2016 05:57PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If your boyfriend posted here about this issue, people would be telling him it's not his job to enable or fix you. That you need to sort your anxiety out. You're coming across as very needy and self centered here, not to mention inflexible. The people talking about your future are spot on. You've lived a sheltered life to date and are thinking in a very small minded way. College is only a few short years out of your life. How do you plan to manage working in a job if you can't talk to strangers or make small talk over lunch? Make new friends after college? In some ways it's a crying shame you've hooked up with this guy because it's stopping you from getting the help you need.

This is all true op, what are you going to do after college when he's not there to eat lunch with you?
Social anxiety is hard but it's your issue not his and relationships are about give and take. It won't kill you to sit with them once a month to please your boyfriend and show him how important he is to you and how much you value his support.

batmanrobin · 11-10-2016 06:05PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

This is all true op, what are you going to do after college when he's not there to eat lunch with you?
Social anxiety is hard but it's your issue not his and relationships are about give and take. It won't kill you to sit with them once a month to please your boyfriend and show him how important he is to you and how much you value his support.

Aye, time to start looking beyond college and think about how you'll manage in work and the wider world. At this point, OP, the lunch thing is irrelevant. You need to get proper coping mechanisms for your anxiety.

If you two continue longterm (even if it's not with him but any longterm) you'll have to do weddings and birthdays and big occasions, christenings etc. How will you cope with those? Ask yourself that question seriously. Because if you can't do lunch once in the blue moon, you're going to really struggle with these other things. The kind of things you can't really get out of doing.

Sound Bite · 11-10-2016 07:04PM

I recently broke up with someone I love dearly but who suffers from anxiety.

While I fully appreciate that suffering from anxiety is extremely difficult, it's also extremely difficult to be in a relationship with someone where their needs always seem to take priority, where you are always the person to compromise to accommodate them but never seem to have them consider your needs to the same extent.

I know it's not easy for you, not at all and I have seen first hand the level of panic that comes with being outside your comfort zone. However, there has to be some give and take and you can't assume that your needs are any greater than his.

For example, my former partner absolutely hates attending social events be they weddings, dinners, parties etc and while I try to understand things from their perspective, it's not very nice to attend all of them alone, whereas if partner was able to attend maybe half I would have been happy, or even a few -anything other than a selfish flat out refusal. Life cannot be about complete avoidance of everything that is difficult. Just because a person doesn't suffer from anxiety doesn't mean they don't have their own stresses or that everything is a walk in the park for them.

Anxiety is a difficult condition but is only a problem when it totally dominates a relationship. You have to, regardless of how difficult it is,realise that your partner has needs to, not just you.

Apologies if I have offended anyone suffering from anxiety. It isn't my intention but it's heart breaking to be in a relationship where you are the only one making the compromises. Even a little effort goes so far. Nobody is seeking to change you fundamentally but just to see you put yourself in your partners shoes and acknowledge their perspective helps so much.

With all that in mind op, do you see anyway that you could push yourself to join the lunch group even once a week?

Yellow pack crisps · 11-10-2016 11:05PM

Do you want him to compromise and for you not to compromise? Would it bother you if he never ate with you? I could be wrong but you seem to have a big chip on your shoulder in regards to society and how you perceive it perceiving you.

Joeseph Balls · 12-10-2016 12:47AM

Ok, I suffer from same. Panic attacks , sweats etc when eating with people. My OH of 8years is great but I think, also does not know how bad it can affect a person, having not suffered herself.
Mine comes and goes, if I have a drink or two I'm usually fine but that's not possible 90% of the time

You need to comprise. Thankfully I suffer a lot less now, and finding out other people were the same helped.
Explain the situation to him. You might need to take a few minutes during lunch. I couldn't avoid family in law dinners etc so when I felt something I'd just tell herself I just needed air and excuse myself for 5, 10 even 20 mins. I would eat frigg all at these as well. At work dinners, a workmate who I wouldn't be close to really, helped me out in that situation. His dad suffered. So at work dos, he used to sit beside me, if I wasn't up to it, he'd ask me out for a few mins or take some of my food 'jokingly'. All these little things helped. I started to, I dunno, realise I wasn't a weirdo and gradually they became less. It happens maybe 1 out of 5 now but I still don't know when it will.
Funnily, I am a really confident guy, love party's etc and you wouldn't think it to see me that I suffer from it.
You do need to compromise though, go once or twice a week for a start, have a signal for your bf, rub his leg when you feel something to let him know. Having him on 'your side' will help greatly.

Joeseph Balls · 12-10-2016 12:52AM

Sound Bite wrote: »

I recently broke up with someone I love dearly but who suffers from anxiety.

While I fully appreciate that suffering from anxiety is extremely difficult, it's also extremely difficult to be in a relationship with someone where their needs always seem to take priority, where you are always the person to compromise to accommodate them but never seem to have them consider your needs to the same extent.

I know it's not easy for you, not at all and I have seen first hand the level of panic that comes with being outside your comfort zone. However, there has to be some give and take and you can't assume that your needs are any greater than his.

For example, my former partner absolutely hates attending social events be they weddings, dinners, parties etc and while I try to understand things from their perspective, it's not very nice to attend all of them alone, whereas if partner was able to attend maybe half I would have been happy, or even a few -anything other than a selfish flat out refusal. Life cannot be about complete avoidance of everything that is difficult. Just because a person doesn't suffer from anxiety doesn't mean they don't have their own stresses or that everything is a walk in the park for them.

Anxiety is a difficult condition but is only a problem when it totally dominates a relationship. You have to, regardless of how difficult it is,realise that your partner has needs to, not just you.

Apologies if I have offended anyone suffering from anxiety. It isn't my intention but it's heart breaking to be in a relationship where you are the only one making the compromises. Even a little effort goes so far. Nobody is seeking to change you fundamentally but just to see you put yourself in your partners shoes and acknowledge their perspective helps so much.

With all that in mind op, do you see anyway that you could push yourself to join the lunch group even once a week?

Great post, and 100% true.

Rachiee · 12-10-2016 01:28AM

So just parking your anxiety issues to the side for a minute what im getting from you is you realise that it would be totally unfair of you to ask your boyfriend to eat with you everyday so you wont do that. And yet you feel miffed that he choses not to eat with you everyday, you want to know if you are right to expect him to want to eat with you.

I would say its incredibly unfair and quite passive agressive to say to your boyfriend its up to you but then take an attitude that hes made the wrong decision.

I would also urge you to consider that on the days you dont eat together that it is just as much you choosing to not eat with him as it is him choosing not to eat with you. On the days you dont eat with him he invites you. The invite annoys you because you feel youve already explained your position, but a part from just being polite imagine he wants to enjoy your company along with his friends just as much as you want him to eat just the two of you.

LLMMLL · 12-10-2016 03:34AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The one thing you really really need to realise, is people are a lot less interested in you and your issues than you think! If you sit at the table and say not one word, very few will notice and NOBODY will actually comment about later. Everyone is too busy thinking about themselves! Nobody thinks about you a fraction of the amount you think about yourself. Honestly... Nobody really cares!!

I don't want to add to the OP's anxiety but this isn't really true, and I think the OP knows himself that its not true. People judge each other all the time over the smallest thing, and social anxiety is something the vast majority of people do not understand. There are people with mild social anxiety (fear going into a crowded room and making conversation, but then pull it off quite successfully) and even they cannot understand people with more serious social anxiety. Someone remaining silent every lunch time will be noticed and commented upon. I've seen it countless times.

I also don't believe that because the OP chooses not to put himself in a social situation that means he will never be able to function in the "real world". It sounds like he can perform when necessary. I would say a crucial skill he needs to learn is how many social situations he can avoid without pissing people off. Its a hard balance to strike.

One thing I would say to you from your post is to drop the idea of "expectations". I think its a terrible concept in a relationship. You want to know if you can "expect" him to meet you 5 days a week, you seem to know thats a bit unfair and I think what you want to know is what's the max you can "expect". So what'll happen is you'll decide you can expect 3 days or something, and then if one week he only spends 2 days with you, he has failed your expectations and an argument ensues. I'd try and keep it far more casual if I were you. Don't formalize "we have to meet on Mon/Wed/Fri" or anything like that.

wakka12 · 12-10-2016 08:33AM

LLMMLL wrote: »

I don't want to add to the OP's anxiety but this isn't really true, and I think the OP knows himself that its not true. People judge each other all the time over the smallest thing, and social anxiety is something the vast majority of people do not understand. There are people with mild social anxiety (fear going into a crowded room and making conversation, but then pull it off quite successfully) and even they cannot understand people with more serious social anxiety. Someone remaining silent every lunch time will be noticed and commented upon. I've seen it countless times.

I also don't believe that because the OP chooses not to put himself in a social situation that means he will never be able to function in the "real world". It sounds like he can perform when necessary. I would say a crucial skill he needs to learn is how many social situations he can avoid without pissing people off. Its a hard balance to strike.

One thing I would say to you from your post is to drop the idea of "expectations". I think its a terrible concept in a relationship. You want to know if you can "expect" him to meet you 5 days a week, you seem to know thats a bit unfair and I think what you want to know is what's the max you can "expect". So what'll happen is you'll decide you can expect 3 days or something, and then if one week he only spends 2 days with you, he has failed your expectations and an argument ensues. I'd try and keep it far more casual if I were you. Don't formalize "we have to meet on Mon/Wed/Fri" or anything like that.

Yeh I was going to reply with similar to that guys post but I thought it would sound like excuse making! People seem to really care about other people's behaviour in my experience, maybe they don't really analyse it as much as I think they do ..like maybe they just make comments without really considering or caring too much. Ive been asked several times at group lunches 'why are you so quiet today' or similar and maybe they are just making conversation i don't know but it makes me feel extremely cornered being called out in front of a group like this and puts me off going to other group events :pac:

And thanks for your advice!

Yellow pack crisps · 12-10-2016 09:47AM

wakka12 wrote: »

Yeh I was going to reply with similar to that guys post but I thought it would sound like excuse making! People seem to really care about other people's behaviour in my experience, maybe they don't really analyse it as much as I think they do ..like maybe they just make comments without really considering or caring too much. Ive been asked several times at group lunches 'why are you so quiet today' or similar and maybe they are just making conversation i don't know but it makes me feel extremely cornered being called out in front of a group like this and puts me off going to other group events :pac:

And thanks for your advice!

That question bugs anyone who is asked it because mainly its a factual statement. The flip side is being ignored and i don't think that is a better option and i gather if they feel comfortable asking you that question it means they must like you. Being a sufferer of anxiety myself i can understand social awkwardness and the dark hole actually pitt it can be sometimes but to be honest i am never wondering what people think of me as i'm most likely to busy judging myself and why i am like that. Take it from an experienced one sometimes the answer is not in therapy or counselling or books or phycologists but in small steps and sometimes that starts with a simple hello.

Feel bad about putting my boyfriend in an awkward position ?

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