Feel bad about putting my boyfriend in an awkward position ?

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, so there you go. Start building up your worst case scenario. One day you join the group with your bf, which in most couples would be a very normal thing to do, and someone says you're very quiet. What's next? What happens then? You get through the 10-15 mins to eat, without saying anything, even though in your own words you're "perfectly capable" you just hate it. And then you make your excuses and go off leaving everyone else sitting chatting, whatever.

Then what happens?

Someone mentions you're a bit quiet? Asks are you ok? Someone might even say you're a bit snobby?? And then conversation moves onto something completely different. Did you see such-a-thing last night? Are you going out tomorrow night? Have you anything done on whatever project? And that's it. It's over, and forgotten about. Maybe people have an opinion on you. For a few seconds. But they don't go home and obsess over you. Or why you're not talking. Or why you got up and left the table. Maybe they form on opinion of you and carry that with them. But the opinion is likely to be "yer wan doesn't say much, does she? She never comes out with us. She's a bit quiet/snobby/shy whatever"... But the truth is, they'll have that opinion anyway if you continue to avoid all social situations with them.

So, again... Some college classmates have that opinion of you... So what now? How does that affect your life going forward? How does that make your college life any different to how it is right now?

You need to work through all the scenarios and force yourself to imagine all the things that will happen. And then force yourself to logically think of how that will actually affect your life. Real affects, not imagined affects becatse of your anxiety. You suffer from anxiety, and you struggle with situations that are mundane to everyone else. So you need to force yourself to be logical about things. Your anxiety is causing you to be illogical. It's the nature of the beast. People who have suffered have given their stories about how they forced themselves to fight it and how they still suffer but are much better now because of pushing themselves.

Nothing will happen! Really. People have opinions anyway. If you're quiet, loud, brainy, not so brainy!, laid back, always going and fidgety. People have opinions. But they don't obsess over others as much as people with anxiety think they do. The fact that you think like that is why you've been diagnosed with anxiety! It's telling you that what you feel and think isn't "normal". It's not how most people in the world actually think. So thinking that everyone is thinking about you/judging you is just plain wrong. Some people will be thinking about you and judging you, but they'll also be thinking about others and judging them!! You can't avoid that. Nobody can.

You have an irrational fear/loathing of social situations. So you live your life avoiding as many social occasions you can, or you push yourself to participate a bit more. You don't have to be the life and soul of any party, and you can always leave if it gets too much for you, but in any relationship there has to be compromise. And if your bf does what you enjoy sometimes, then you need to force yourself to include yourself in things he'd like to share with you, occasionally. I'm sure he wouldn't expect an even split. But he would appreciate a reciprocation, even occasionally. And he would appreciate it even more because he'd realise how difficult it was for you.

Trust me... This isn't coming from the perspective of someone living with anxiety... But it is coming from the perspective of someone living with someone living with anxiety.

wakka12

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Ok, so there you go. Start building up your worst case scenario. One day you join the group with your bf, which in most couples would be a very normal thing to do, and someone says you're very quiet. What's next? What happens then? You get through the 10-15 mins to eat, without saying anything, even though in your own words you're "perfectly capable" you just hate it. And then you make your excuses and go off leaving everyone else sitting chatting, whatever.

Then what happens?

Someone mentions you're a bit quiet? Asks are you ok? Someone might even say you're a bit snobby?? And then conversation moves onto something completely different. Did you see such-a-thing last night? Are you going out tomorrow night? Have you anything done on whatever project? And that's it. It's over, and forgotten about. Maybe people have an opinion on you. For a few seconds. But they don't go home and obsess over you. Or why you're not talking. Or why you got up and left the table. Maybe they form on opinion of you and carry that with them. But the opinion is likely to be "yer wan doesn't say much, does she? She never comes out with us. She's a bit quiet/snobby/shy whatever"... But the truth is, they'll have that opinion anyway if you continue to avoid all social situations with them.

So, again... Some college classmates have that opinion of you... So what now? How does that affect your life going forward? How does that make your college life any different to how it is right now?

You need to work through all the scenarios and force yourself to imagine all the things that will happen. And then force yourself to logically think of how that will actually affect your life. Real affects, not imagined affects becatse of your anxiety. You suffer from anxiety, and you struggle with situations that are mundane to everyone else. So you need to force yourself to be logical about things. Your anxiety is causing you to be illogical. It's the nature of the beast. People who have suffered have given their stories about how they forced themselves to fight it and how they still suffer but are much better now because of pushing themselves.

Nothing will happen! Really. People have opinions anyway. If you're quiet, loud, brainy, not so brainy!, laid back, always going and fidgety. People have opinions. But they don't obsess over others as much as people with anxiety think they do. The fact that you think like that is why you've been diagnosed with anxiety! It's telling you that what you feel and think isn't "normal". It's not how most people in the world actually think. So thinking that everyone is thinking about you/judging you is just plain wrong. Some people will be thinking about you and judging you, but they'll also be thinking about others and judging them!! You can't avoid that. Nobody can.

You have an irrational fear/loathing of social situations. So you live your life avoiding as many social occasions you can, or you push yourself to participate a bit more. You don't have to be the life and soul of any party, and you can always leave if it gets too much for you, but in any relationship there has to be compromise. And if your bf does what you enjoy sometimes, then you need to force yourself to include yourself in things he'd like to share with you, occasionally. I'm sure he wouldn't expect an even split. But he would appreciate a reciprocation, even occasionally. And he would appreciate it even more because he'd realise how difficult it was for you.

Trust me... This isn't coming from the perspective of someone living with anxiety... But it is coming from the perspective of someone living with someone living with anxiety.

Excellent post, really appreciate it. I'd nearly show this to anybody else who I thought suffered from social anxiety!