Messy Relationship Situation

Ousia78 wrote: »

I very much appreciate the latest replies. I am very grateful to all of those people who took the time to offer feedback.

I suppose the ultimate issue is as follows:

I am not comfortable with her having contact with him but I cannot stop that contact entirely, nor would I want to given the possible - but not probable - benefits for her child. However, as mentioned above, I would like her to minimise that contact and restrict it as far as possible to non face-to-face conversations. I hope such desires do not sound either unreasonable or controlling.

Taken out of context that line can come across as controlling but I know its not meant to be.

I'm afraid OP you have to let her make her own choices. By all means support her and voice your own reservations but ultimately its down to her. she knows (better than you) what hes like. What she does however is up to her

Ousia78 wrote: »

@ silverbolt:
It's a frustrating situation but I know my limits. What strikes me most is just how common it is for abusers to go on pulling the strings in such situations. It is deeply stressful.

Ousia78 wrote: »

It saddens me to see her being manipulated in any way by the man who inflicted the wounds that have seemingly been healing over the last year.
I am aware of my limits and the need to protect myself.

I absolutely don’t think you do, you seem very naïve. Have you much relationship experience? You keep saying you know your limits , but also you are going to support her no matter what. no matter how bad it gets you are going to stay? You are basically telling us, you don’t care if your needs are met or not and you seem fascinated with this ‘common phenomenon’ you weren’t aware of and now ‘distresses you’. You definitely didn’t go in with your eyes open (neither did she) if that is only just dawning on you especially with this dynamic……

Ousia78 wrote: »

I have devoted so much time to bringing her through the various crises associated with her marriage breakdown.

Red Flag right there..Why would you do that? You are not there to act as this womans shelter/therapist and dumping ground for her issues. It’s ok to have baggage, we all have some, but you need to have a good handle on your own to be any good in a relationship, her baggage is not yours to carry not matter how good it makes you feel to be the hero, it is going to bring you down (it is already). Some may think it is lovely and supportive and you will ‘heal’ her with love, romance and babies and navigation though all her ex crises. But that is not a balanced healthy relationship where your needs are going to be met. And you don’t seem confident enough in your self to call it a day if your needs are not met, all your focus is on her, putting her up on some pedestal, tirelessly building a safe space and building up her self esteem regardless of the price. It sounds exhausting. What about your own needs? I don’t think you know this person at all. You managed to convince her to get in a relationship with you despite her reservations, but you are setting out a stall that your value is only in rescuing her and being the hero. And look you are feeling already, distressed, anxious, frustrated and insecure because you really don’t understand the gravity of the situation you are in.
In future stay well away from people who are not over their ex and definitely don’t sacrifice yourself trying to fix their ‘ex’ issues.
On another note, be careful on a financial note, if you are overinvesting in her financially as much as you are emotionally (which I would say you are) you are going to be left very badly off in every way when it goes completely t*ts up. Emotionally/Financially Insecure people do a lot of damage in relationships where the other person is desperately trying to fill in the gaps (buy their love).
Have you any sensible friends/family who look out for you and can give you some non-romanticised advice? I don’t mean her or her exes friends or family telling you how great you are for her. They do not have your best interests at heart. Go to a counsellor yourself or at least read some of the books on amazon to understand your motivations and the dangers of they are to yourself.