Advice please-relationship and money

Guestboarder · 12-09-2016 11:41PM #1

Hi all,

My fiance and I have been together 7 years with a toddler and second baby on the way.
I have had the same career since before I met my partner which hasn't always been very lucrative but I always managed (or just about) to pay for half of bills etc (been living together since the start). His income is a good deal more than mine. If we were going out for dinner etc he would always pay and insisted which was always appreciated.
When I fell pregnant however and went on mat leave I couldn't contribute financially so my partner took over, this wasn't done very willingly on his part as he feels quite strongly about money and team effort etc.
I went back to work after 3 months in order to help out as much as I could. I should also mention that while on mat leave I had arranged a student to come and live with us to cover my shortcomings on the rent, as a way to help out.

I have always worked and been v independent so I felt very guilty (and was added to by his pressure and criticism) about not being able to pay for half while having the baby so I offered to make an IOU list for me to pay him back (I had a lump sum coming so knew I could pay him back) I started putting everything on the list, had rent and bills each month etc and anything I borrowed for personal reasons (very little as I hated asking for money).

The list started to add up and was at 15k before long. He wasn't keeping one but was making general totals in his head that were always higher than mine!

I got back to work and contributed again so the list fizzled out. He continued to pay for extra curricular things for us both as my wages were eaten up by the rent and bills etc. I must point out that I never asked for, or expected him to pay for these things (eating out etc) and I was always grateful when he did.

I am now pregnant again and once again I have just finished work and he is supporting us.
For the past year or two he spoke about the lump sum and how much he wanted, he began to sound quite bullyish about it which was upsetting as I am not at all as interested in money as he is. I recently started to realise that most of what was on the list (bills etc) were things he SHOULD have been paying in the first place as I was carrying and raising our child, that was his part to play at the time. When I tried to speak to him about this and explain that I didn't think it was right to owe him for the bills etc he got so pissed and threatened to leave if I didn't give him his money and all of it, he wanted 30k.

I was so upset by his reaction that I was determined to stand my ground. I have received the lump sum and informed him that I wasn't going to give it all to him, just what I felt I had borrowed for personal things. This was still a decent amount. Half of what I got. I am keeping the other half towards a deposit for our home so it is still going back into us. He is fuming and wants it all. He is telling me I shafted him and stole from him and that he can never trust me again. I am pregnant and really don't need the stress and ill treatment.
I feel I need to stand my ground and not be a pushover and give it all to him.....does this seem fair???

mickmackmcgoo · 12-09-2016 11:46PM

Guestboarder wrote:

I was so upset by his reaction that I was determined to stand my ground. I have received the lump sum and informed him that I wasn't going to give it all to him, just what I felt I had borrowed for personal things. This was still a decent amount. Half of what I got. I am keeping the other half towards a deposit for our home so it is still going back into us. He is fuming and wants it all. He is telling me I shafted him and stole from him and that he can never trust me again. I am pregnant and really don't need the stress and ill treatment. I feel I need to stand my ground and not be a pushover and give it all to him.....does this seem fair???

What on earth are you doing still living with a person like that. Move on

backspacer · 12-09-2016 11:50PM

Jesus I know there is kids involved here but this just sounds like emotional bullying at this point,if I was you,whatever lump sum you are getting,use it to set yourself and get out from under this,I can't see it ending well long term if he is always going to blame you for not contributing.

ab4248 · 12-09-2016 11:54PM

mickmackmcgoo wrote: »

What on earth are you doing still living with a person like that. Move on

Totally agree. You should hold back all of that money for you and your kids. If after 7 years this is the way he treats you and when your the mum of his babies, you should run for the hills girl! Is he going to put money towards your house too? Does he pay a share of the rent/ bills?

shenanagans · 12-09-2016 11:58PM

Your partner needs a completely different outlook in regards to money. No relationship will remain healthy and happy with such a focus on money. Would you go to a counsellor for relationship advice? Better to knock his obsession with money on the head now, it won't improve otherwise and you're kidding yourself if you believe otherwise. Any good counsellor will put him straight and he may take it better from a professional.

Guestboarder · 13-09-2016 12:01AM

backspacer wrote: »

Jesus I know there is kids involved here but this just sounds like emotional bullying at this point,if I was you,whatever lump sum you are getting,use it to set yourself and get out from under this,I can't see it ending well long term if he is always going to blame you for not contributing.

Yes I have started to realise (after looking at the signs) that he is an emotional abuser. I think this, and his fondness for money are a bad mix. It is down to his upbringing but it has definitely worn me down over the last 7 years. I love him but am also aware I'm losing my happy self in the whole thing. It's so much harder when there are kids involved and he is a very loving and great daddy

Guestboarder · 13-09-2016 12:04AM

ab4248 wrote: »

Totally agree. You should hold back all of that money for you and your kids. If after 7 years this is the way he treats you and when your the mum of his babies, you should run for the hills girl! Is he going to put money towards your house too? Does he pay a share of the rent/ bills?

Yes he pays the other half of bills etc. When we get a mortgage it will be mainly based on his salary as it is much higher and he will probably be putting forward most of the deposit as I don't make enough to save money, so that's why I wanted to keep half of the lump sum so that I could have something to contribute to our home (as he had mentioned my name might not be on the house if I couldn't contribute something)

mojesius · 13-09-2016 12:05AM

Your fiance is being totally unfair here and he sounds like a right scab. Marraige and everything that goes with it (kids, mortgage etc) is supposed to be done in partnership. There is always one spouse who earns more than the other, in my own relationship, we share everything apart from personal shopping costs despite a wage gap.

Id tell him to stuff his 30k personally. He sounds more like a debt collector than a partner, threatening to walk out if you don't 'pay him back', while you're pregnant! This stress is not good for you or your baby (or your other child). Please put yourself first, take your full maternity leave this time and reach out to a friend or family member who you can rely on. This must be a horrible, lonely time for you and it's supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life.

strandroad · 13-09-2016 12:05AM

I can't believe that he wants to essentially charge you for carrying his child! You've been working and returned to work soon after, you found a lodger too but you owe him for your pregnancy/caring period? There is something seriously wrong with his understanding of relationships and parenting. I know you're pregnant so it's not easy but couples counselling is where you should both go ASAP if there's anything to save at all.

Guestboarder · 13-09-2016 12:06AM

shenanagans wrote: »

Your partner needs a completely different outlook in regards to money. No relationship will remain healthy and happy with such a focus on money. Would you go to a councillor for relationship advice? Better to knock his obsession with money on the head now, it won't improve otherwise and you're kidding yourself if you believe otherwise. Any good councillor will put him straight and he may take it better from a professional.

We tried this before, it was a HUGE battle to get him to go and after one session he won't go back. He has a thing about counsellors or talking his feelings out with anyone (proud man issue)

backspacer · 13-09-2016 12:07AM

Guestboarder wrote: »

Yes I have started to realise (after looking at the signs) that he is an emotional abuser. I think this, and his fondness for money are a bad mix. It is down to his upbringing but it has definitely worn me down over the last 7 years. I love him but am also aware I'm losing my happy self in the whole thing. It's so much harder when there are kids involved and he is a very loving and great daddy

Under no circumstances should you defend his behaviour, if he has worn you down so much then the relationship is dying on its feet anyways..I know it's hard but if you value your own mental health you are going to have to make some hard calls here

mickmackmcgoo · 13-09-2016 12:07AM

Guestboarder wrote:

Yes he pays the other half of bills etc. When we get a mortgage it will be mainly based on his salary as it is much higher and he will probably be putting forward most of the deposit as I don't make enough to save money, so that's why I wanted to keep half of the lump sum so that I could have something to contribute to our home (as he had mentioned my name might not be on the house if I couldn't contribute something)

Ye sound like flatmates with only children in common. Surely ye should have a joint account and none of this my money/your money nonsense . You really need to have a hard look at your future with this man.

strandroad · 13-09-2016 12:09AM

Guestboarder wrote: »

We tried this before, it was a HUGE battle to get him to go and after one session he won't go back. He has a thing about counsellors or talking his feelings out with anyone (proud man issue)

Sadly there's your answer then.
No proud man would charge the mother of his children for the privilege BTW...

Guestboarder · 13-09-2016 12:09AM

mojesius wrote: »

Your fiance is being totally unfair here and he sounds like a right scab. Marraige and everything that goes with it (kids, mortgage etc) is supposed to be done in partnership. There is always one spouse who earns more than the other, in my own relationship, we share everything apart from personal shopping costs despite a wage gap.

Id tell him to stuff his 30k personally. He sounds more like a debt collector than a partner, threatening to walk out if you don't 'pay him back', while you're pregnant! This stress is not good for you or your baby (or your other child). Please put yourself first, take your full maternity leave this time and reach out to a friend or family member who you can rely on. This must be a horrible, lonely time for you and it's supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life.

You couldn't be more spot on, I've cried so much in the last few weeks and have felt so lonely and stressed. I have tried so hard to understand him but his treatment towards me has just been so cold and mean. It might be easier to walk away if I didn't have a child and just about to have the second.

Sound Bite · 13-09-2016 12:11AM

The thing I notice about your post OP is that despite all of his emotional bullying, you still appear independent and strong.

He hasn't worn you down to the point that you can't see how messed up the situation is. Don't wait until he has ground you down more and you don't have the confidence to leave.

I'm sorry and I know this must be particularly stressful for you especially given you are pregnant but you know this isn't normal or fair.

You are in an abusive relationship (physical violence is not the only form of abuse).

There are plenty of men/women who don't make great husbands/wives but are still good parents. He can still but a good father from a distance. You can't bring up children up in a situation like this.

backspacer · 13-09-2016 12:11AM

Guestboarder wrote: »

You couldn't be more spot on, I've cried so much in the last few weeks and have felt so lonely and stressed. I have tried so hard to understand him but his treatment towards me has just been so cold and mean. It might be easier to walk away if I didn't have a child and just about to have the second.

He may think he has you over a barrel because of the kids,it's not an environment to bring up kids if he is emotionally messing with you

njs030 · 13-09-2016 12:14AM

Posters on here are far to quick to jump to nuclear end it, walk away type scenario. There's a long relationship and children involved and while op had been thinking about this for a while it's the first her partner has heard of it-she says he had issues about money so perhaps there's more than meets the eye!!

Op usually the higher earner pays a higher percentage and in a pregnancy situation the man would take over financially where possible....however it seems that you agreed to keep covering your share which has now lead to this scenario, was that your idea or his?
Can he afford half a deposit without you giving him the money you promised or is it earmarked for something?

There seems to be a strange dynamic about finances in your household though. Perhaps you need to get some relationship counselling to work through what's going on and how to talk about it properly.

shenanagans · 13-09-2016 12:14AM

Guestboarder wrote: »

We tried this before, it was a HUGE battle to get him to go and after one session he won't go back. He has a thing about counsellors or talking his feelings out with anyone (proud man issue)

Rubbish. He doesn't want to listen to reason from a counsellor talking sense. Give him an ultimatum, counselling or potential break up of family. Trust me if he is that obsessed with money and earns much more than you he faces child support,etc. He'd be much worse of paying child support and paying for two households, plus he loses out being a fulltime dad. After all you claim he is a loving guy and good dad. What loving good father will split up his family over money??

Its sound to me that may have had a hard upbringing...maybe money was tight and this impacted badly on him leading to his unhealthy money views.

Stheno · 13-09-2016 12:15AM

I earn far more what my oh does and I'm female

Never in a month of Sunday's has it been an issue in our lives we are very laissez fairer with money and is one needs helping out and the other can it's done without a thought
I'd be getting out op

strandroad · 13-09-2016 12:16AM

notjustsweet wrote: »

Posters on here are far to quick to jump to nuclear end it, walk away type scenario. There's a long relationship and children involved and while op had been thinking about this for a while it's the first her partner has heard of it-she says he had issues about money so perhaps there's more than meets the eye!!

They tried counselling already and he refused to continue..

njs030 · 13-09-2016 12:17AM

mhge wrote: »

They tried counselling already and he refused to continue..

That was posted while I was writing my post.
Op can go alone it doesn't have to be a joint effort.

catchery · 13-09-2016 12:22AM

Please do not buy a house with your partner until you try to solve these issues he has with money. How he can justify his actions about how you owe him money I cannot get my head around. It is bizarre behaviour. You are his partner carrying his child, ye are supposed to be a team. What happens if you cannot work in the future does he leave you then because you cannot contribute to bills? I would sit him down and discuss this with him , a very sad and hard future ahead for you if you cant sort this out. If he does not see you and your child and future children as a family ? What does he see ? What are you in this relationship ? Ask him. Please talk to someone close and tell them whats happening. Im sorry you are dealing with this. Take care x

Guestboarder · 13-09-2016 12:23AM

notjustsweet wrote: »

Posters on here are far to quick to jump to nuclear end it, walk away type scenario. There's a long relationship and children involved and while op had been thinking about this for a while it's the first her partner has heard of it-she says he had issues about money so perhaps there's more than meets the eye!!

Op usually the higher earner pays a higher percentage and in a pregnancy situation the man would take over financially where possible....however it seems that you agreed to keep covering your share which has now lead to this scenario, was that your idea or his?
Can he afford half a deposit without you giving him the money you promised or is it earmarked for something?

There seems to be a strange dynamic about finances in your household though. Perhaps you need to get some relationship counselling to work through what's going on and how to talk about it properly.

Either way to money is going towards a deposit, whether he has it or I do, so it's not that he is desperate for it, it is more that it was in his mind that it was coming and he had a figure in his head. I think what is pissing him off more is that I changed that figure

shenanagans · 13-09-2016 12:27AM

Guestboarder wrote: »

Either way to money is going towards a deposit, whether he has it or I do, so it's not that he is desperate for it, it is more that it was in his mind that it was coming and he had a figure in his head. I think what is pissing him off more is that I changed that figure

Did you explain why you changed the figure? That it makes you more independent to have a sum to contribute to your home purchase when the time comes. Why not put money in a joint account?

Guestboarder · 13-09-2016 12:30AM

catchery wrote: »

Please do not buy a house with your partner until you try to solve these issues he has with money. How he can justify his actions about how you owe him money I cannot get my head around. It is bizarre behaviour. You are his partner carrying his child, ye are supposed to be a team. What happens if you cannot work in the future does he leave you then because you cannot contribute to bills? I would sit him down and discuss this with him , a very sad and hard future ahead for you if you cant sort this out. If he does not see you and your child and future children as a family ? What does he see ? What are you in this relationship ? Ask him. Please talk to someone close and tell them whats happening. Im sorry you are dealing with this. Take care x

Thank you catchery. Yes I have asked those questions a lot and I do feel unsure about our future. I think I already know our relationship was in trouble as there has been far more issues in the past. But I just think that I am stuck at the moment for these reasons: I love him dearly. He is (outside of this behaviour) a good man. I have children with him. I am just about to have a second and moving out and uprooting my toddler at a time of already huge change would be very irresponsible as a parent and damaging to her I feel. :-(

Stheno · 13-09-2016 12:33AM

Guestboarder wrote: »

Thank you catchery. Yes I have asked those questions a lot and I do feel unsure about our future. I think I already know our relationship was in trouble as there has been far more issues in the past. But I just think that I am stuck at the moment for these reasons: I love him dearly. He is (outside of this behaviour) a good man. I have children with him. I am just about to have a second and moving out and uprooting my toddler at a time of already huge change would be very irresponsible as a parent and damaging to her I feel. :-(

So you'll accept the abuse to you instead?

Guestboarder · 13-09-2016 12:33AM

shenanagans wrote: »

Did you explain why you changed the figure? That it makes you more independent to have a sum to contribute to your home purchase when the time comes. Why not put money in a joint account?

I did explain that yes but unfortunately communication and talking about things like that are difficult with him.

I did consider putting it all in a joint account to begin with but then when he reacted the way he did I got scared to do that, as if I ever needed that money wouldn't he need to sign off on it too?
He has also suggested I put it in a joint account (it almost feels like he just doesn't want me to have it to myself) I am just a bit unsure about doing that though as I feel it takes my independence away, something that I haven't had in a while

ahnow · 13-09-2016 12:34AM

This IOU list is insane, it shouldn't even exist. If the toddler is his, the money is shared. This man has warped thinking and he seems to have manipulated you into thinking you owe him money because you are minding his and your child. That is not right. You are supposed to be a team.
How would this work if you were to become sick and couldn't work down the line, according to him would you have to make a list of all the costs of living expenses for that too? It's crazy!
That's not right and you deserve better.

Guestboarder · 13-09-2016 12:34AM

Stheno wrote: »

So you'll accept the abuse to you instead?

As crazy as it sounds, if it protects my little girl then yes :-(

catchery · 13-09-2016 12:38AM

Do you have any family you can turn to for support? There is no point leaving this until the baby is born you will be very tired and emotional. You know what its like having a toddler its exhausting with two. You may not have the clarity you have now. You are not in the wrong here remember that! How you sort it out for you and your children is your own affair. But ! Please find support before the baby arrives .

backspacer · 13-09-2016 12:38AM

Guestboarder wrote: »

As crazy as it sounds, if it protects my little girl then yes :-(

For the love of God,what good are you going to be to your little girl if you are a hollow shell of a person that is been eroded away bit by bit..I can't get over the fact you still defend him even though he has been nothing but a **** to you in the way he behaves, you need to decide what is best but I just don't see how the current scenario is the best for you.

Advice please-relationship and money

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