Advice please-relationship and money

Guestboarder

Hi all,

My fiance and I have been together 7 years with a toddler and second baby on the way.
I have had the same career since before I met my partner which hasn't always been very lucrative but I always managed (or just about) to pay for half of bills etc (been living together since the start). His income is a good deal more than mine. If we were going out for dinner etc he would always pay and insisted which was always appreciated.
When I fell pregnant however and went on mat leave I couldn't contribute financially so my partner took over, this wasn't done very willingly on his part as he feels quite strongly about money and team effort etc.
I went back to work after 3 months in order to help out as much as I could. I should also mention that while on mat leave I had arranged a student to come and live with us to cover my shortcomings on the rent, as a way to help out.

I have always worked and been v independent so I felt very guilty (and was added to by his pressure and criticism) about not being able to pay for half while having the baby so I offered to make an IOU list for me to pay him back (I had a lump sum coming so knew I could pay him back) I started putting everything on the list, had rent and bills each month etc and anything I borrowed for personal reasons (very little as I hated asking for money).

The list started to add up and was at 15k before long. He wasn't keeping one but was making general totals in his head that were always higher than mine!

I got back to work and contributed again so the list fizzled out. He continued to pay for extra curricular things for us both as my wages were eaten up by the rent and bills etc. I must point out that I never asked for, or expected him to pay for these things (eating out etc) and I was always grateful when he did.

I am now pregnant again and once again I have just finished work and he is supporting us.
For the past year or two he spoke about the lump sum and how much he wanted, he began to sound quite bullyish about it which was upsetting as I am not at all as interested in money as he is. I recently started to realise that most of what was on the list (bills etc) were things he SHOULD have been paying in the first place as I was carrying and raising our child, that was his part to play at the time. When I tried to speak to him about this and explain that I didn't think it was right to owe him for the bills etc he got so pissed and threatened to leave if I didn't give him his money and all of it, he wanted 30k.

I was so upset by his reaction that I was determined to stand my ground. I have received the lump sum and informed him that I wasn't going to give it all to him, just what I felt I had borrowed for personal things. This was still a decent amount. Half of what I got. I am keeping the other half towards a deposit for our home so it is still going back into us. He is fuming and wants it all. He is telling me I shafted him and stole from him and that he can never trust me again. I am pregnant and really don't need the stress and ill treatment.
I feel I need to stand my ground and not be a pushover and give it all to him.....does this seem fair???

mickmackmcgoo

Guestboarder wrote:

I was so upset by his reaction that I was determined to stand my ground. I have received the lump sum and informed him that I wasn't going to give it all to him, just what I felt I had borrowed for personal things. This was still a decent amount. Half of what I got. I am keeping the other half towards a deposit for our home so it is still going back into us. He is fuming and wants it all. He is telling me I shafted him and stole from him and that he can never trust me again. I am pregnant and really don't need the stress and ill treatment. I feel I need to stand my ground and not be a pushover and give it all to him.....does this seem fair???

What on earth are you doing still living with a person like that. Move on

backspacer

Jesus I know there is kids involved here but this just sounds like emotional bullying at this point,if I was you,whatever lump sum you are getting,use it to set yourself and get out from under this,I can't see it ending well long term if he is always going to blame you for not contributing.

ab4248

mickmackmcgoo wrote: »

What on earth are you doing still living with a person like that. Move on

Totally agree. You should hold back all of that money for you and your kids. If after 7 years this is the way he treats you and when your the mum of his babies, you should run for the hills girl! Is he going to put money towards your house too? Does he pay a share of the rent/ bills?

shenanagans

Your partner needs a completely different outlook in regards to money. No relationship will remain healthy and happy with such a focus on money. Would you go to a counsellor for relationship advice? Better to knock his obsession with money on the head now, it won't improve otherwise and you're kidding yourself if you believe otherwise. Any good counsellor will put him straight and he may take it better from a professional.

Guestboarder

backspacer wrote: »

Jesus I know there is kids involved here but this just sounds like emotional bullying at this point,if I was you,whatever lump sum you are getting,use it to set yourself and get out from under this,I can't see it ending well long term if he is always going to blame you for not contributing.

Yes I have started to realise (after looking at the signs) that he is an emotional abuser. I think this, and his fondness for money are a bad mix. It is down to his upbringing but it has definitely worn me down over the last 7 years. I love him but am also aware I'm losing my happy self in the whole thing. It's so much harder when there are kids involved and he is a very loving and great daddy

Guestboarder

ab4248 wrote: »

Totally agree. You should hold back all of that money for you and your kids. If after 7 years this is the way he treats you and when your the mum of his babies, you should run for the hills girl! Is he going to put money towards your house too? Does he pay a share of the rent/ bills?

Yes he pays the other half of bills etc. When we get a mortgage it will be mainly based on his salary as it is much higher and he will probably be putting forward most of the deposit as I don't make enough to save money, so that's why I wanted to keep half of the lump sum so that I could have something to contribute to our home (as he had mentioned my name might not be on the house if I couldn't contribute something)

mojesius

Your fiance is being totally unfair here and he sounds like a right scab. Marraige and everything that goes with it (kids, mortgage etc) is supposed to be done in partnership. There is always one spouse who earns more than the other, in my own relationship, we share everything apart from personal shopping costs despite a wage gap.

Id tell him to stuff his 30k personally. He sounds more like a debt collector than a partner, threatening to walk out if you don't 'pay him back', while you're pregnant! This stress is not good for you or your baby (or your other child). Please put yourself first, take your full maternity leave this time and reach out to a friend or family member who you can rely on. This must be a horrible, lonely time for you and it's supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life.

strandroad

I can't believe that he wants to essentially charge you for carrying his child! You've been working and returned to work soon after, you found a lodger too but you owe him for your pregnancy/caring period? There is something seriously wrong with his understanding of relationships and parenting. I know you're pregnant so it's not easy but couples counselling is where you should both go ASAP if there's anything to save at all.

Guestboarder

shenanagans wrote: »

Your partner needs a completely different outlook in regards to money. No relationship will remain healthy and happy with such a focus on money. Would you go to a councillor for relationship advice? Better to knock his obsession with money on the head now, it won't improve otherwise and you're kidding yourself if you believe otherwise. Any good councillor will put him straight and he may take it better from a professional.

We tried this before, it was a HUGE battle to get him to go and after one session he won't go back. He has a thing about counsellors or talking his feelings out with anyone (proud man issue)

backspacer

Guestboarder wrote: »

Yes I have started to realise (after looking at the signs) that he is an emotional abuser. I think this, and his fondness for money are a bad mix. It is down to his upbringing but it has definitely worn me down over the last 7 years. I love him but am also aware I'm losing my happy self in the whole thing. It's so much harder when there are kids involved and he is a very loving and great daddy

Under no circumstances should you defend his behaviour, if he has worn you down so much then the relationship is dying on its feet anyways..I know it's hard but if you value your own mental health you are going to have to make some hard calls here

mickmackmcgoo

Guestboarder wrote:

Yes he pays the other half of bills etc. When we get a mortgage it will be mainly based on his salary as it is much higher and he will probably be putting forward most of the deposit as I don't make enough to save money, so that's why I wanted to keep half of the lump sum so that I could have something to contribute to our home (as he had mentioned my name might not be on the house if I couldn't contribute something)

Ye sound like flatmates with only children in common. Surely ye should have a joint account and none of this my money/your money nonsense . You really need to have a hard look at your future with this man.

strandroad

Guestboarder wrote: »

We tried this before, it was a HUGE battle to get him to go and after one session he won't go back. He has a thing about counsellors or talking his feelings out with anyone (proud man issue)

Sadly there's your answer then.
No proud man would charge the mother of his children for the privilege BTW...

Guestboarder

mojesius wrote: »

Your fiance is being totally unfair here and he sounds like a right scab. Marraige and everything that goes with it (kids, mortgage etc) is supposed to be done in partnership. There is always one spouse who earns more than the other, in my own relationship, we share everything apart from personal shopping costs despite a wage gap.

Id tell him to stuff his 30k personally. He sounds more like a debt collector than a partner, threatening to walk out if you don't 'pay him back', while you're pregnant! This stress is not good for you or your baby (or your other child). Please put yourself first, take your full maternity leave this time and reach out to a friend or family member who you can rely on. This must be a horrible, lonely time for you and it's supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life.

You couldn't be more spot on, I've cried so much in the last few weeks and have felt so lonely and stressed. I have tried so hard to understand him but his treatment towards me has just been so cold and mean. It might be easier to walk away if I didn't have a child and just about to have the second.

Sound Bite

The thing I notice about your post OP is that despite all of his emotional bullying, you still appear independent and strong.

He hasn't worn you down to the point that you can't see how messed up the situation is. Don't wait until he has ground you down more and you don't have the confidence to leave.

I'm sorry and I know this must be particularly stressful for you especially given you are pregnant but you know this isn't normal or fair.

You are in an abusive relationship (physical violence is not the only form of abuse).

There are plenty of men/women who don't make great husbands/wives but are still good parents. He can still but a good father from a distance. You can't bring up children up in a situation like this.

backspacer

Guestboarder wrote: »

You couldn't be more spot on, I've cried so much in the last few weeks and have felt so lonely and stressed. I have tried so hard to understand him but his treatment towards me has just been so cold and mean. It might be easier to walk away if I didn't have a child and just about to have the second.

He may think he has you over a barrel because of the kids,it's not an environment to bring up kids if he is emotionally messing with you

njs030

Posters on here are far to quick to jump to nuclear end it, walk away type scenario. There's a long relationship and children involved and while op had been thinking about this for a while it's the first her partner has heard of it-she says he had issues about money so perhaps there's more than meets the eye!!


Op usually the higher earner pays a higher percentage and in a pregnancy situation the man would take over financially where possible....however it seems that you agreed to keep covering your share which has now lead to this scenario, was that your idea or his?
Can he afford half a deposit without you giving him the money you promised or is it earmarked for something?

There seems to be a strange dynamic about finances in your household though. Perhaps you need to get some relationship counselling to work through what's going on and how to talk about it properly.

shenanagans

Guestboarder wrote: »

We tried this before, it was a HUGE battle to get him to go and after one session he won't go back. He has a thing about counsellors or talking his feelings out with anyone (proud man issue)

Rubbish. He doesn't want to listen to reason from a counsellor talking sense. Give him an ultimatum, counselling or potential break up of family. Trust me if he is that obsessed with money and earns much more than you he faces child support,etc. He'd be much worse of paying child support and paying for two households, plus he loses out being a fulltime dad. After all you claim he is a loving guy and good dad. What loving good father will split up his family over money??

Its sound to me that may have had a hard upbringing...maybe money was tight and this impacted badly on him leading to his unhealthy money views.

Stheno

I earn far more what my oh does and I'm female

Never in a month of Sunday's has it been an issue in our lives we are very laissez fairer with money and is one needs helping out and the other can it's done without a thought
I'd be getting out op

strandroad

notjustsweet wrote: »

Posters on here are far to quick to jump to nuclear end it, walk away type scenario. There's a long relationship and children involved and while op had been thinking about this for a while it's the first her partner has heard of it-she says he had issues about money so perhaps there's more than meets the eye!!

They tried counselling already and he refused to continue..

njs030

mhge wrote: »

They tried counselling already and he refused to continue..

That was posted while I was writing my post.
Op can go alone it doesn't have to be a joint effort.

catchery

Please do not buy a house with your partner until you try to solve these issues he has with money. How he can justify his actions about how you owe him money I cannot get my head around. It is bizarre behaviour. You are his partner carrying his child, ye are supposed to be a team. What happens if you cannot work in the future does he leave you then because you cannot contribute to bills? I would sit him down and discuss this with him , a very sad and hard future ahead for you if you cant sort this out. If he does not see you and your child and future children as a family ? What does he see ? What are you in this relationship ? Ask him. Please talk to someone close and tell them whats happening. Im sorry you are dealing with this. Take care x

Guestboarder

notjustsweet wrote: »

Posters on here are far to quick to jump to nuclear end it, walk away type scenario. There's a long relationship and children involved and while op had been thinking about this for a while it's the first her partner has heard of it-she says he had issues about money so perhaps there's more than meets the eye!!


Op usually the higher earner pays a higher percentage and in a pregnancy situation the man would take over financially where possible....however it seems that you agreed to keep covering your share which has now lead to this scenario, was that your idea or his?
Can he afford half a deposit without you giving him the money you promised or is it earmarked for something?

There seems to be a strange dynamic about finances in your household though. Perhaps you need to get some relationship counselling to work through what's going on and how to talk about it properly.

Either way to money is going towards a deposit, whether he has it or I do, so it's not that he is desperate for it, it is more that it was in his mind that it was coming and he had a figure in his head. I think what is pissing him off more is that I changed that figure

shenanagans

Guestboarder wrote: »

Either way to money is going towards a deposit, whether he has it or I do, so it's not that he is desperate for it, it is more that it was in his mind that it was coming and he had a figure in his head. I think what is pissing him off more is that I changed that figure

Did you explain why you changed the figure? That it makes you more independent to have a sum to contribute to your home purchase when the time comes. Why not put money in a joint account?

Guestboarder

catchery wrote: »

Please do not buy a house with your partner until you try to solve these issues he has with money. How he can justify his actions about how you owe him money I cannot get my head around. It is bizarre behaviour. You are his partner carrying his child, ye are supposed to be a team. What happens if you cannot work in the future does he leave you then because you cannot contribute to bills? I would sit him down and discuss this with him , a very sad and hard future ahead for you if you cant sort this out. If he does not see you and your child and future children as a family ? What does he see ? What are you in this relationship ? Ask him. Please talk to someone close and tell them whats happening. Im sorry you are dealing with this. Take care x

Thank you catchery. Yes I have asked those questions a lot and I do feel unsure about our future. I think I already know our relationship was in trouble as there has been far more issues in the past. But I just think that I am stuck at the moment for these reasons: I love him dearly. He is (outside of this behaviour) a good man. I have children with him. I am just about to have a second and moving out and uprooting my toddler at a time of already huge change would be very irresponsible as a parent and damaging to her I feel. :-(

Stheno

Guestboarder wrote: »

Thank you catchery. Yes I have asked those questions a lot and I do feel unsure about our future. I think I already know our relationship was in trouble as there has been far more issues in the past. But I just think that I am stuck at the moment for these reasons: I love him dearly. He is (outside of this behaviour) a good man. I have children with him. I am just about to have a second and moving out and uprooting my toddler at a time of already huge change would be very irresponsible as a parent and damaging to her I feel. :-(

So you'll accept the abuse to you instead?

Guestboarder

shenanagans wrote: »

Did you explain why you changed the figure? That it makes you more independent to have a sum to contribute to your home purchase when the time comes. Why not put money in a joint account?

I did explain that yes but unfortunately communication and talking about things like that are difficult with him.

I did consider putting it all in a joint account to begin with but then when he reacted the way he did I got scared to do that, as if I ever needed that money wouldn't he need to sign off on it too?
He has also suggested I put it in a joint account (it almost feels like he just doesn't want me to have it to myself) I am just a bit unsure about doing that though as I feel it takes my independence away, something that I haven't had in a while

ahnow

This IOU list is insane, it shouldn't even exist. If the toddler is his, the money is shared. This man has warped thinking and he seems to have manipulated you into thinking you owe him money because you are minding his and your child. That is not right. You are supposed to be a team.
How would this work if you were to become sick and couldn't work down the line, according to him would you have to make a list of all the costs of living expenses for that too? It's crazy!
That's not right and you deserve better.

Guestboarder

Stheno wrote: »

So you'll accept the abuse to you instead?

As crazy as it sounds, if it protects my little girl then yes :-(

catchery

Do you have any family you can turn to for support? There is no point leaving this until the baby is born you will be very tired and emotional. You know what its like having a toddler its exhausting with two. You may not have the clarity you have now. You are not in the wrong here remember that! How you sort it out for you and your children is your own affair. But ! Please find support before the baby arrives .

backspacer

Guestboarder wrote: »

As crazy as it sounds, if it protects my little girl then yes :-(

For the love of God,what good are you going to be to your little girl if you are a hollow shell of a person that is been eroded away bit by bit..I can't get over the fact you still defend him even though he has been nothing but a **** to you in the way he behaves, you need to decide what is best but I just don't see how the current scenario is the best for you.

Guestboarder

catchery wrote: »

Do you have any family you can turn to for support? There is no point leaving this until the baby is born you will be very tired and emotional. You know what its like having a toddler its exhausting with two. You may not have the clarity you have now. You are not in the wrong here remember that! How you sort it out for you and your children is your own affair. But ! Please find support before the baby arrives .

Yes I am very lucky to have a very supportive family. But it's a big ask to take on myself and two kids

Sound Bite

Guestboarder wrote: »

As crazy as it sounds, if it protects my little girl then yes :-(

Does it protect your little girl though?

Especially in the long run? Would it not be better to leave while your children are still young and won't remember that than in a few years time when this escalates. Can you really see yourself remaining with him for the rest of your life?


Kids should be not exposed to a relationship like that.

You have your strength. You have an income. You have a good support system. You have already said he has worn you down to a certain extent.....this will increase over time

Stheno

Guestboarder wrote: »

Yes I am very lucky to have a very supportive family. But it's a big ask to take on myself and two kids

Any family worth having would help you

Guestboarder

Sound Bite wrote: »

Does it protect your little girl though?

Especially in the long run? Would it not be better to leave while your children are still young and won't remember that than in a few years time when this escalate. Can you really see yourself remaining with him for the rest of your life?


Kids should be not exposed to a relationship like that.

Yes I suppose I do worry that the older they get the more aware they will be of his behaviour towards me, I would hate them to think that was ok.

i admit that sometimes I fear thee is no future but I want to try really hard to change that
Wishful thinking I think :-(

catchery

If your child came to you and explained how their partner was bullying them while pregnant would you turn them away ? You are willing to sacrifice your own happiness to protect your family , your children ! I understand this as a mother, I do , but your children will be living in an unhappy home with an unhappy and worn down mother. Go to your family or a friend and seek support. If I was your family id make it work. Give your partner one last chance to change his ways and give him an ultimatum , tell him he is wrong and have a back up if you need to leave. You cannot have any future in this there is always hope always.

shenanagans

Guestboarder wrote: »

I did explain that yes but unfortunately communication and talking about things like that are difficult with him.

I did consider putting it all in a joint account to begin with but then when he reacted the way he did I got scared to do that, as if I ever needed that money wouldn't he need to sign off on it too?
He has also suggested I put it in a joint account (it almost feels like he just doesn't want me to have it to myself) I am just a bit unsure about doing that though as I feel it takes my independence away, something that I haven't had in a while

It seems there is a lack of trust on both sides? Both parties would have to sign, so he couldn't touch it either.

If you are cohabiting and have two kids then legally you're pretty much married...if you broke up and had joint accounts then you'd need a legal financial arrangement which let's face it will always favor the female who is left holding the kids!

Ask yourself honestly if money wasn't an issue would you be happy together as a couple? If the answer is yes then make him do the counselling and face up to your issues Now. Life will only change for the better if you face up to your relationship issue - money. If the answer is no, don't use kids as an excuse. No child benefits from an unhealthy home environment.

njs030

In what way is he emotionally abusive op?
If you agreed to this IOU list and happily filled it in then suddenly years later said oh no I've changed my mind then that's not abuse.
How come its taken you years to decide its a problem?
Is there any other abuse going on? I'm not trying to upset you but it's more a communication problem if it's a one off.

Actually if the mortgage is in his name as you implied earlier it makes quite a big difference where the deposit cones from as the bank won't accept it from you. Possible that's the reason he's annoyed?

backspacer

Maybe look at it like this OP,if this was your kid looking for advice,would you tell them to hang around in their relationship?

catchery

Why would he not want your name on the mortgage ??? Seriously big big red flags here ! There is no reason at all why you should not be on the mortgage unless he thinks if he is paying most / full mortgage it will be his house??? Is that his way of thinking ? Did you discuss this with anyone else, like your parents ? Whatever you agreed to before in contributions if it was before children then it changes now. Who pays for the creche for your daughter? Or does a family member take care of her while you worked? Does he pay for childcare? Explain how much he would have to pay if you leave that will scare the life out of him.

Guestboarder

notjustsweet wrote: »

In what way is he emotionally abusive op?
If you agreed to this IOU list and happily filled it in then suddenly years later said oh no I've changed my mind then that's not abuse.
How come its taken you years to decide its a problem?
Is there any other abuse going on? I'm not trying to upset you but it's more a communication problem if it's a one off.

Actually if the mortgage is in his name as you implied earlier it makes quite a big difference where the deposit cones from as the bank won't accept it from you. Possible that's the reason he's annoyed?

I looked up emotional abuse recently (not relating to this issue) as after seven years I knew something was wrong. I didn't mean he is emotionally abusive in just this issue I meant in general in our relationship. He ticked nearly all the boxes for it when I looked it up, too many to list here.

Yes I did agree to it and yes I did change my mind down the line (although it wasn't quite as blasé as that, I felt it was for a good reason)
I did however try to talk to him about this and hash it out as such. It wasn't just a case of me saying "I've changed my mind and that's it". I sat down with him and wanted to explain why I had changed my mind and see what he thought of it. Unfortunately his reaction to this and his refusal to talk civily about it was the start of the problem

bp

The mortgage thing is another red flag he doesn't want to put your name on it therefore he can hold it over your head. Also I *think* that since it is the family home you would be entitled to half either way and if you did get married it would be half yours.

when i took unpaid maternity leave both times my OH never once said anything about me spending "his" money. I do a hard job minding the home and family and have no qualms spending money on myself (when available obviously)

LegacyUser

Myself and my wife; from when we were engaged put both our salaries into one account. All bills come out of that and it's always been the way.

We don't question each others spending.
I thought that was pretty normal but have heard of husbands and wives who say my money and his money.

njs030

Guestboarder wrote: »

I looked up emotional abuse recently (not relating to this issue) as after seven years I knew something was wrong. I didn't mean he is emotionally abusive in just this issue I meant in general in our relationship. He ticked nearly all the boxes for it when I looked it up, too many to list here.

Oh I see, I apologise for asking you I thought it was a single problem.

Try not to give him any more money if you've given him any at all yet and perhaps contact women's aid for advice. You don't have to do anything or make any decisions while pregnant but they are the best people to talk to.

If you can try and be as calm as possible for yourself and baby, it's not easy but you don't want an early labour on top of everything else.

suicide_circus

You should charge him rent on your womb for two 9 month leases! My god, he sounds genuinely mentally unwell. An IOU to the father of your children, what kind of warped mentality is this? You're in a team with someone who is not a team player. Imagine stressing your heavily pregnant partner about money like this, it beggars belief.

silverharp

that is one the most bizarre relationship setups I have ever heard of. The idea of keeping tally after you have kids and expecting to be repaid is nuts. Does anyone else know about this? does he have parents or anyone close to him that could put him straight? either he changes his attitude or you should find an exit. the behaviour is so off that its on the verge of being diagnosable.

ManOfMystery

Your OH needs a serious wakeup call.

He seems to have problems understanding how a trusting and supportive relationship works. When your partner is having a child, you operate together as a team to handle all the changes that the pregnancy (before and after) will incur, and all the challenges it will throw at you. This means being supportive of each other - not just emotionally, but also in a logistical way when dealing with things like money and getting about and so on.

You didn't make the decision to get pregnant all by yourself. Your partner was 50% involved also. He accepted that and accepted he was going to be a father. For him to then take issue with the fact that you were going to be off on maternity and on a reduced income is absolutely ludicrous; I wouldn't expect any female to not use any maternity leave they need - it's time for recovering, for bonding with the child, and so on. In this day and age unless you're in complete dire straits with no alternative source of income, there is no reason for not taking your maternity.

In short, he is putting his financial needs above your own well-being. That's not on.

Compiling a mental checklist of what he thinks you 'owe him' is also not on. As parents, as a couple, as a team - this is all money which is for you as a family anyway, be it for your house or baby expenditure or whatever. It's not like you frittered it away gambling, and it's not like you had a history of unemployment and constant loans off him beforehand. He's extremely out of touch and way too obsessed with his own financial needs.

I also think there's some irony in the fact that he's a 'proud man' type so not into counselling, but yet seems to have an issue with supporting his own family (that's not just his children - it's YOU also) and ensuring money he puts out is somehow recovered to him.

I don't like telling anyone to just up and leave their partner, and maybe that's not the answer here, but I do think that the type of man your partner is only responds to shock and blunt tactics. Discussions or gentle persuasion rarely work with someone so tightfisted.

bluetomato

Guestboarder wrote: »

When I fell pregnant however and went on mat leave I couldn't contribute financially so my partner took over, this wasn't done very willingly on his part as he feels quite strongly about money and team effort etc.
I went back to work after 3 months in order to help out as much as I could. I should also mention that while on mat leave I had arranged a student to come and live with us to cover my shortcomings on the rent, as a way to help out.

What did he actually expect to happen when you got pregnant? Honestly?? I'm totally confused how he could have thought you would have been able to contribute the same amount as you had been.

leggo

OP there's no harm in getting facts and advice from professionals, maybe they'll have some insight from experience as to what the best move for you and your children will be. Look into Women's Aid and give them a call in your own time. See what they have to say and go from there.

SarahMollie

Just to point out as I'm not sure it was dealt with but just so you're informed, if you do buy a house together, even if your name isn't on the deeds, you definitely would still have a claim on the property.

Make sure you track any spending that goes not only on the property (ie. deposit etc), but towards the running of the household and your joint lifestyle. It all counts as contribution. Once there are kids involved and you've lived together for a period of 2 years or more (if you're renting together now, that counts towards the 2 years) then he can't simply keep the property to himself, regardless of your name is on the deeds or not.

I think its pretty powerful to point out that the law of the land doesnt support his world view. He can't simply keep money/assets to himself when he's cohabiting with the mother of his children.

Bandana boy

To be Devils advocate , could you read this slightly differently.

They have a relationship and a style of living that her income can not afford. This place to live holidays etc maybe driven by OP
For years he has ponied up to cover the gap from his money and when she could not work because of Maternity he covered it all .
OP has a lump sump coming which could cover bring her part the way to equity and has decided to keep it for herself , saying some possible future purchase , but will be on maternity again and contributing no income for the next 9 months.
OP's fella might be saying , Am i a mug ? . I pay when there is not enough money but also when there is !

Either way he has handled this horribly at a time when you have enough stress with the upcoming second child