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husband drove drunk

  • 28-08-2016 07:18PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    My husband stayed up til 5am yesterday morning then left the house at 7.15am. He was helping a friend with diy for the day. He was pissed getting into bed, slurring his words, spilling water etc. When his alarm went off he was too drunk to turn it off so I had to do it. I told him to call his friend to tell him he would head over later or I would bring him, but he kept saying he was fine. He definitely wasn't. I went mad over text, told him i needed space for the night but he came home anyway. I told him how selfish and irresponsible he was and he is apologising but at one point he told me I was being OTT. He drove his car home from a party yrs ago when he was still affected and we fought and he cried and apologised saying he would never do it again. This time he seems to care less, saying "i apologised, i won't do it again, i can't do any more" but i just cannot move passed it. I am so disappointed that he did it so the apology means nothing. I am completely drained. I can barely look at him. Any advice?


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Comments

  • #2
    meeeeh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Tell him you will alert the guards next time? What he did was reckless, dangerous, stupid but it is done now. Your previous argument didn't stop him driving this time and arguing about what happened this time is pointless because you can't rewind time. He knew you will be furious and decided it's a price worth paying. If you threaten him with guards and are prepared to follow it up with actions he might change his mind.


  • #3
    Xterminator
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,820 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    meeeeh wrote: »
    Tell him you will alert the guards next time?

    or dont do that.

    OP he is an adult not a child; and bears full responsibility for his own actions. i dont think you can make yourself clearer about your opinion on drink driving to him.

    its possible you might have a chat with him mum, or brother sister etc? if you both team up on hm, perhaps that will help?


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I definitely would not be telling his family, that is not the way our relationship works. And if he didn't pay attention to me he is way less likely to pay attention to them.
    I think he realises how strongly I feel about it now. If he does it again I will definitely be phoning the gardai. He keeps apologising saying it was a moment of madness (I have reminded him it happened before). He said his actions will show me. I just cannot shake this truly disappointed feeling. We never usually stew when arguing, it is usually over quickly but i am finding it so hard to move past it.


  • #5
    s4uv3
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 952 ✭✭✭s4uv3


    I think you should let it go.
    He fcuked up, did something very daft and very wrong. Thankfully nobody was hurt. You said your piece, he apologised and said it won't happen again.
    That should be the end of that imo.


  • #6
    Dr Crayfish
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,960 ✭✭✭Dr Crayfish


    Phoning the Gardai on your husband? Are you for real?


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Absolutely. If he killed someone while drink driving I could not live with myself. Him getting a few points on his licence would piss him off but at least I wouldn't be burying him.
    Unless you have a better suggestion?


  • #8
    HelgaWard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 568 ✭✭✭HelgaWard


    Dr Crayfish wrote: »
    Phoning the Gardai on your husband? Are you for real?

    If your husband murdered someone, would you ring the Gardai?! Her husband committed a very serious crime, that could have very easily resulted in him killing or seriously injuring himself or other unfortunate road users. There is really no excusing it. You are right to be angry OP. I would be.


  • #9
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Yeah, I'd be of the same view calling the Gardaí. My ex's mate did it before and I called the Gardaí on her, she wasn't picked up though she was probably home and all by the time they got a car on her. I nearly did it when her mother did too but picked my battles that time, though it did annoy me that I didn't afterwards. It's not a case of wanting these people to suffer, get in trouble with the law or getting taken off the road, it's that I literally wanted to intervene before someone got hurt and they left me no other option.

    I'd feel very like you OP. It's ridiculously reckless and scummy and, whatever about the people who do it, it's the innocent victims that deserve better.


  • #10
    Piggystardust
    Closed Accounts Posts: 81 ✭✭Piggystardust


    leggo wrote: »
    Yeah, I'd be of the same view calling the Gardaí. My ex's mate did it before and I called the Gardaí on her, she wasn't picked up though she was probably home and all by the time they got a car on her. I nearly did it when her mother did too but picked my battles that time, though it did annoy me that I didn't afterwards. It's not a case of wanting these people to suffer, get in trouble with the law or getting taken off the road, it's that I literally wanted to intervene before someone got hurt and they left me no other option.

    I'd feel very like you OP. It's ridiculously reckless and scummy and, whatever about the people who do it, it's the innocent victims that deserve better.

    There's a thing called loyalty you should have with your partner. Calling the Guards on them is ridiculously OTT. If he had no remorse and was being blase about it then he might need a sharp wake up call like that but he has taken ownership, apologised for his stupid actions and promised not to do it again.
    My dad drank drove years ago and got his licence taken off him. I was so angry at him and glad he got pulled over that day but no way in hell would I have phoned the Guards on him.


  • #11
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Dr Crayfish wrote: »
    Phoning the Gardai on your husband? Are you for real?

    It might actually be the kindest thing she could do for him. I'd do it if a family member was drink driving.


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  • #12
    Sligo1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,948 ✭✭✭Sligo1


    Piggystardust wrote: »
    There's a thing called loyalty you should have with your partner. Calling the Guards on them is ridiculously OTT. If he had no remorse and was being blase about it then he might need a sharp wake up call like that but he has taken ownership, apologised for his stupid actions and promised not to do it again.
    My dad drank drove years ago and got his licence taken off him. I was so angry at him and glad he got pulled over that day but no way in hell would I have phoned the Guards on him.


    Driving drunk is completely irresponsible and disgusting behaviour. If this man drove drunk and killed your mum or dad or your child or your newborn baby you can bet your bottom dollar you'd be wishing this guys wife had called the guards the minute he got into the car. There is no excuse and loyalty to anyone goes out the window in this situation in my honest opinion. I'd call the guards on any member of my family, my husband or children if I caught them doing this. Loyalty would be the last thing on my mind.... An image of a little child lying dead on the road would be the first.

    OP what he did was incredibly wrong. And next time you should absolutely ring the guards. However, if you want to resolve this you need to try and move past it. Talk about it and move past it.


  • #13
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Piggystardust wrote: »
    There's a thing called loyalty you should have with your partner. Calling the Guards on them is ridiculously OTT. If he had no remorse and was being blase about it then he might need a sharp wake up call like that but he has taken ownership, apologised for his stupid actions and promised not to do it again.
    My dad drank drove years ago and got his licence taken off him. I was so angry at him and glad he got pulled over that day but no way in hell would I have phoned the Guards on him.

    I am aware of the concept of loyalty. I try to show my loyalty in ways such as not letting them put themselves into a situation where they can kill someone. And when someone doesn't listen to you when you plead with them, they're giving you no other option. They can't be allowed behind that wheel or people, including them, may die. If you can't physically stop them, you have no other recourse. If they break up with you over that or whatever, let them explain it to everyone else.


  • #14
    meeeeh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    I think everyone would first try to persuade the person not to drive. And it would be pointless to call gardai after someone is already safe back home without any incident. But it is different when someone is completely drunk, doesn't listen when they are told not to drive and still sit in the car. It's not malice, it's trying to protect them and whomever might cross their path.


  • #15
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I have absolutely no time for drunk drivers. As it happens, someone in my extended family was killed by one so I think they're scum.

    Having said that, I can't see our OP actually picking up the phone and ringing the guards. Aside from causing ructions in her marriage, there's a good chance it'd cause real problems in their everyday life. What if the husband needs a car to get to work and he suddenly can't go? What do you do then? Make him give up his job?


  • #16
    Piggystardust
    Closed Accounts Posts: 81 ✭✭Piggystardust


    I cant stand drunk driving and completely agree its disgusting behaviour but her calling the guards after the fact is utterly pointless.

    If he was about to get into the car drunk and wouldn't listen when she tried to stop him then by all means call the Guards but after the fact is just pointless. It wouldn't achieve anything except making her husband resent her.


  • #17
    o1s1n
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 36,417 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    leggo wrote: »
    I am aware of the concept of loyalty. I try to show my loyalty in ways such as not letting them put themselves into a situation where they can kill someone. And when someone doesn't listen to you when you plead with them, they're giving you no other option. They can't be allowed behind that wheel or people, including them, may die. If you can't physically stop them, you have no other recourse. If they break up with you over that or whatever, let them explain it to everyone else.

    If you're in a relationship where you have to plead with someone not to do something then I think you're probably not in the right relationship.


  • #18
    Sligo1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,948 ✭✭✭Sligo1


    Piggystardust wrote: »
    I cant stand drunk driving and completely agree its disgusting behaviour but her calling the guards after the fact is utterly pointless.

    If he was about to get into the car drunk and wouldn't listen when she tried to stop him then by all means call the Guards but after the fact is just pointless. It wouldn't achieve anything except making her husband resent her.

    I don't think anyone said or advised her to call the Gardai after the incident or when he had arrived home. People were advising OP the next time he gets into a car drunk to ring the Gardai. Sure there nothing gardai can do after the fact anyway as his blood alcohol could be well within limits at that stage...


  • #19
    lifeandtimes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,021 ✭✭✭lifeandtimes


    UpsetDrainedSad wrote: »
    Absolutely. If he killed someone while drink driving I could not live with myself. Him getting a few points on his licence would piss him off but at least I wouldn't be burying him.
    Unless you have a better suggestion?

    im sorry but a few points on his license is not what hed get.

    Hed get a ban from driving which could effect his job and your life etc and then at his court apoearance he could face jail time.

    Its a serious offence and a judge wont look kindly on it so think carefully before making that call


  • #20
    uck51js9zml2yt
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,268 ✭✭✭✭uck51js9zml2yt


    Piggystardust wrote: »
    There's a thing called loyalty you should have with your partner. Calling the Guards on them is ridiculously OTT. If he had no remorse and was being blase about it then he might need a sharp wake up call like that but he has taken ownership, apologised for his stupid actions and promised not to do it again.
    My dad drank drove years ago and got his licence taken off him. I was so angry at him and glad he got pulled over that day but no way in hell would I have phoned the Guards on him.

    Tell that to the family of the person he injures or kills. I'm sure they'd appreciate the sentiment.


  • #21
    meeeeh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    lifeandtimes wrote: »
    im sorry but a few points on his license is not what hed get.

    Hed get a ban from driving which could effect his job and your life etc and then at his court apoearance he could face jail time.

    Its a serious offence and a judge wont look kindly on it so think carefully before making that call
    It's a serious offence for a reason. But you wouldn't land in prison that quickly unless you injure or kill someone (or some extreme situation). Few months without driving licence might be very low price to pay.

    It would be very hard for me to call the guards but you are suggesting op would be responsible for whatever penalty her partner would get. Sole responsibility lies with person who drinks and drives.


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  • #22
    forgodssake
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 790 ✭✭✭forgodssake


    Agree wholeheartedly with the posters who say call the gardai. Such tripe to say its loyalty not to . It may be the wake up call this person needs . Maybe he needs a some time off the road to reflect on what he could have done . The lives he could have taken and forever changed . I'm not being dramatic . I have personal experience of both sides of the coin. OP ive been in your shoes . What you do is ultimately your decision . I wish you the best .


  • #23
    Augme
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,626 ✭✭✭Augme


    s4uv3 wrote: »
    I think you should let it go.
    He fcuked up, did something very daft and very wrong. Thankfully nobody was hurt. You said your piece, he apologised and said it won't happen again.
    That should be the end of that imo.


    He already said that before though.


  • #24
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    I'm actually shocked by the 'loyalty' reactions, totally undermining how serious drink driving is. I know Ireland was always behind with attitudes towards this stuff but I thought we'd come further than that...


  • #25
    Piggystardust
    Closed Accounts Posts: 81 ✭✭Piggystardust


    Nobody is undermining the seriousness of drink driving. Please show me where anyone said chill out, drink driving is fine.
    I said its disgusting which it obviously is but I dont see the point of calling the Guards at this stage. She should have called them when he got into the car. At that stage I agree with it.

    I still stand by the loyalty card though. He knows it was wrong and luckily nobody was hurt. Calling the Guards now is ridiculous but if he was to reoffend by all means throw his sorry ass to the wolves.


  • #26
    D0NNELLY
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,387 ✭✭✭D0NNELLY


    You should look into why his apology means nothing to you.


  • #27
    Fakediamond
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,055 ✭✭✭Fakediamond


    Automatic 2 year driving ban, potentially huge fines, prison if someone is killed or seriously injured and forget getting decent insurance quotes for years to
    come.

    Hiding the keys is probably the easiest thing to do. While I agree that he is a grown up and responsible for his own actions, we all know judgement is impaired by alcohol and its best to take the decision out of his hands.

    Also, I'd say he wasn't of much use at the DIY in that hungover state! Not to mention a potential danger around tools/ladders etc.


  • #28
    meeeeh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Piggystardust wrote: »
    Nobody is undermining the seriousness of drink driving. Please show me where anyone said chill out, drink driving is fine.
    I said its disgusting which it obviously is but I dont see the point of calling the Guards at this stage. She should have called them when he got into the car. At that stage I agree with it.

    I still stand by the loyalty card though. He knows it was wrong and luckily nobody was hurt. Calling the Guards now is ridiculous but if he was to reoffend by all means throw his sorry ass to the wolves.
    What are you on? Who suggested calling the guards now? It would make absolutely no sense.

    Anyway hiding keys is a good idea too if it happens again.


  • #29
    retro:electro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    Where was his loyalty to her when he promised her he wouldn't do it again?


  • #30
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    I went to school with a guy who's mother died when he was very, very young. He was brought up alone by his father. One night his father was walking home and a drunk driver knocked him down and killed him. He was left with no parents before he was even 13.

    To say I have no time for drunk drivers is an understatement. There is always an option to get a lift, or a taxi, or a bus. To put someone else's life in danger just because some idiot thinks he or she can control a 1ton+ vehicle while inebriated is the height of selfishness.

    I would have absolutely no qualms ringing the police if a family member went out in the car pissed. It doesn't matter how slow they drive, or if they're on an abandoned country road - they have absolutely no idea what they're going to encounter on the road, just like my schoolfriend's father thought that there would be no problem walking a quiet road in a rural area.

    OP your partner may have the best intentions of not repeating this idiocy again, but when the drink is in and the wit's out his mindset may change somewhat. Unfortunately if someone has done this once, they generally find it easier to succumb again so his promises - though genuine now - may be worthless when he's drunk. As has been said already, ring the cops next time and confiscate the keys at the very first mention of him driving. The thought of legal action may be more effective on him than what he perceives as a nagging wife or family member.


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  • #31
    bp
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,731 ✭✭✭bp


    A distant family member drove drunk and killed a teen. He went to prision (rightly so) and now has to live with what he has done. I have taken and hidden keys on family members and friends when they have been drinking and would have no qualms doing it again or calling the police. I was in a car with someone who had two drinks and I could see how impaired they were. I took the keys and drove from there as I was sober. Better drive someone else's car then have them crash or kill someone.

    Calling the guards is the loyal thing to do.


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