husband drove drunk

LegacyUser

My husband stayed up til 5am yesterday morning then left the house at 7.15am. He was helping a friend with diy for the day. He was pissed getting into bed, slurring his words, spilling water etc. When his alarm went off he was too drunk to turn it off so I had to do it. I told him to call his friend to tell him he would head over later or I would bring him, but he kept saying he was fine. He definitely wasn't. I went mad over text, told him i needed space for the night but he came home anyway. I told him how selfish and irresponsible he was and he is apologising but at one point he told me I was being OTT. He drove his car home from a party yrs ago when he was still affected and we fought and he cried and apologised saying he would never do it again. This time he seems to care less, saying "i apologised, i won't do it again, i can't do any more" but i just cannot move passed it. I am so disappointed that he did it so the apology means nothing. I am completely drained. I can barely look at him. Any advice?

meeeeh

Tell him you will alert the guards next time? What he did was reckless, dangerous, stupid but it is done now. Your previous argument didn't stop him driving this time and arguing about what happened this time is pointless because you can't rewind time. He knew you will be furious and decided it's a price worth paying. If you threaten him with guards and are prepared to follow it up with actions he might change his mind.

Xterminator

meeeeh wrote: »

Tell him you will alert the guards next time?

or dont do that.

OP he is an adult not a child; and bears full responsibility for his own actions. i dont think you can make yourself clearer about your opinion on drink driving to him.

its possible you might have a chat with him mum, or brother sister etc? if you both team up on hm, perhaps that will help?

LegacyUser

I definitely would not be telling his family, that is not the way our relationship works. And if he didn't pay attention to me he is way less likely to pay attention to them.
I think he realises how strongly I feel about it now. If he does it again I will definitely be phoning the gardai. He keeps apologising saying it was a moment of madness (I have reminded him it happened before). He said his actions will show me. I just cannot shake this truly disappointed feeling. We never usually stew when arguing, it is usually over quickly but i am finding it so hard to move past it.

s4uv3

I think you should let it go.
He fcuked up, did something very daft and very wrong. Thankfully nobody was hurt. You said your piece, he apologised and said it won't happen again.
That should be the end of that imo.

Dr Crayfish

Phoning the Gardai on your husband? Are you for real?

LegacyUser

Absolutely. If he killed someone while drink driving I could not live with myself. Him getting a few points on his licence would piss him off but at least I wouldn't be burying him.
Unless you have a better suggestion?

HelgaWard

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Phoning the Gardai on your husband? Are you for real?

If your husband murdered someone, would you ring the Gardai?! Her husband committed a very serious crime, that could have very easily resulted in him killing or seriously injuring himself or other unfortunate road users. There is really no excusing it. You are right to be angry OP. I would be.

leggo

Yeah, I'd be of the same view calling the Gardaí. My ex's mate did it before and I called the Gardaí on her, she wasn't picked up though she was probably home and all by the time they got a car on her. I nearly did it when her mother did too but picked my battles that time, though it did annoy me that I didn't afterwards. It's not a case of wanting these people to suffer, get in trouble with the law or getting taken off the road, it's that I literally wanted to intervene before someone got hurt and they left me no other option.

I'd feel very like you OP. It's ridiculously reckless and scummy and, whatever about the people who do it, it's the innocent victims that deserve better.

Piggystardust

leggo wrote: »

Yeah, I'd be of the same view calling the Gardaí. My ex's mate did it before and I called the Gardaí on her, she wasn't picked up though she was probably home and all by the time they got a car on her. I nearly did it when her mother did too but picked my battles that time, though it did annoy me that I didn't afterwards. It's not a case of wanting these people to suffer, get in trouble with the law or getting taken off the road, it's that I literally wanted to intervene before someone got hurt and they left me no other option.

I'd feel very like you OP. It's ridiculously reckless and scummy and, whatever about the people who do it, it's the innocent victims that deserve better.

There's a thing called loyalty you should have with your partner. Calling the Guards on them is ridiculously OTT. If he had no remorse and was being blase about it then he might need a sharp wake up call like that but he has taken ownership, apologised for his stupid actions and promised not to do it again.
My dad drank drove years ago and got his licence taken off him. I was so angry at him and glad he got pulled over that day but no way in hell would I have phoned the Guards on him.

eviltwin

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Phoning the Gardai on your husband? Are you for real?

It might actually be the kindest thing she could do for him. I'd do it if a family member was drink driving.

Sligo1

Piggystardust wrote: »

There's a thing called loyalty you should have with your partner. Calling the Guards on them is ridiculously OTT. If he had no remorse and was being blase about it then he might need a sharp wake up call like that but he has taken ownership, apologised for his stupid actions and promised not to do it again.
My dad drank drove years ago and got his licence taken off him. I was so angry at him and glad he got pulled over that day but no way in hell would I have phoned the Guards on him.

Driving drunk is completely irresponsible and disgusting behaviour. If this man drove drunk and killed your mum or dad or your child or your newborn baby you can bet your bottom dollar you'd be wishing this guys wife had called the guards the minute he got into the car. There is no excuse and loyalty to anyone goes out the window in this situation in my honest opinion. I'd call the guards on any member of my family, my husband or children if I caught them doing this. Loyalty would be the last thing on my mind.... An image of a little child lying dead on the road would be the first.

OP what he did was incredibly wrong. And next time you should absolutely ring the guards. However, if you want to resolve this you need to try and move past it. Talk about it and move past it.

leggo

Piggystardust wrote: »

There's a thing called loyalty you should have with your partner. Calling the Guards on them is ridiculously OTT. If he had no remorse and was being blase about it then he might need a sharp wake up call like that but he has taken ownership, apologised for his stupid actions and promised not to do it again.
My dad drank drove years ago and got his licence taken off him. I was so angry at him and glad he got pulled over that day but no way in hell would I have phoned the Guards on him.

I am aware of the concept of loyalty. I try to show my loyalty in ways such as not letting them put themselves into a situation where they can kill someone. And when someone doesn't listen to you when you plead with them, they're giving you no other option. They can't be allowed behind that wheel or people, including them, may die. If you can't physically stop them, you have no other recourse. If they break up with you over that or whatever, let them explain it to everyone else.

meeeeh

I think everyone would first try to persuade the person not to drive. And it would be pointless to call gardai after someone is already safe back home without any incident. But it is different when someone is completely drunk, doesn't listen when they are told not to drive and still sit in the car. It's not malice, it's trying to protect them and whomever might cross their path.

Ursus Horribilis

I have absolutely no time for drunk drivers. As it happens, someone in my extended family was killed by one so I think they're scum.

Having said that, I can't see our OP actually picking up the phone and ringing the guards. Aside from causing ructions in her marriage, there's a good chance it'd cause real problems in their everyday life. What if the husband needs a car to get to work and he suddenly can't go? What do you do then? Make him give up his job?

Piggystardust

I cant stand drunk driving and completely agree its disgusting behaviour but her calling the guards after the fact is utterly pointless.

If he was about to get into the car drunk and wouldn't listen when she tried to stop him then by all means call the Guards but after the fact is just pointless. It wouldn't achieve anything except making her husband resent her.

o1s1n

leggo wrote: »

I am aware of the concept of loyalty. I try to show my loyalty in ways such as not letting them put themselves into a situation where they can kill someone. And when someone doesn't listen to you when you plead with them, they're giving you no other option. They can't be allowed behind that wheel or people, including them, may die. If you can't physically stop them, you have no other recourse. If they break up with you over that or whatever, let them explain it to everyone else.

If you're in a relationship where you have to plead with someone not to do something then I think you're probably not in the right relationship.

Sligo1

Piggystardust wrote: »

I cant stand drunk driving and completely agree its disgusting behaviour but her calling the guards after the fact is utterly pointless.

If he was about to get into the car drunk and wouldn't listen when she tried to stop him then by all means call the Guards but after the fact is just pointless. It wouldn't achieve anything except making her husband resent her.

I don't think anyone said or advised her to call the Gardai after the incident or when he had arrived home. People were advising OP the next time he gets into a car drunk to ring the Gardai. Sure there nothing gardai can do after the fact anyway as his blood alcohol could be well within limits at that stage...

lifeandtimes

UpsetDrainedSad wrote: »

Absolutely. If he killed someone while drink driving I could not live with myself. Him getting a few points on his licence would piss him off but at least I wouldn't be burying him.
Unless you have a better suggestion?

im sorry but a few points on his license is not what hed get.

Hed get a ban from driving which could effect his job and your life etc and then at his court apoearance he could face jail time.

Its a serious offence and a judge wont look kindly on it so think carefully before making that call

uck51js9zml2yt

Piggystardust wrote: »

There's a thing called loyalty you should have with your partner. Calling the Guards on them is ridiculously OTT. If he had no remorse and was being blase about it then he might need a sharp wake up call like that but he has taken ownership, apologised for his stupid actions and promised not to do it again.
My dad drank drove years ago and got his licence taken off him. I was so angry at him and glad he got pulled over that day but no way in hell would I have phoned the Guards on him.

Tell that to the family of the person he injures or kills. I'm sure they'd appreciate the sentiment.

meeeeh

lifeandtimes wrote: »

im sorry but a few points on his license is not what hed get.

Hed get a ban from driving which could effect his job and your life etc and then at his court apoearance he could face jail time.

Its a serious offence and a judge wont look kindly on it so think carefully before making that call

It's a serious offence for a reason. But you wouldn't land in prison that quickly unless you injure or kill someone (or some extreme situation). Few months without driving licence might be very low price to pay.

It would be very hard for me to call the guards but you are suggesting op would be responsible for whatever penalty her partner would get. Sole responsibility lies with person who drinks and drives.

forgodssake

Agree wholeheartedly with the posters who say call the gardai. Such tripe to say its loyalty not to . It may be the wake up call this person needs . Maybe he needs a some time off the road to reflect on what he could have done . The lives he could have taken and forever changed . I'm not being dramatic . I have personal experience of both sides of the coin. OP ive been in your shoes . What you do is ultimately your decision . I wish you the best .

Augme

s4uv3 wrote: »

I think you should let it go.
He fcuked up, did something very daft and very wrong. Thankfully nobody was hurt. You said your piece, he apologised and said it won't happen again.
That should be the end of that imo.

He already said that before though.

leggo

I'm actually shocked by the 'loyalty' reactions, totally undermining how serious drink driving is. I know Ireland was always behind with attitudes towards this stuff but I thought we'd come further than that...

Piggystardust

Nobody is undermining the seriousness of drink driving. Please show me where anyone said chill out, drink driving is fine.
I said its disgusting which it obviously is but I dont see the point of calling the Guards at this stage. She should have called them when he got into the car. At that stage I agree with it.

I still stand by the loyalty card though. He knows it was wrong and luckily nobody was hurt. Calling the Guards now is ridiculous but if he was to reoffend by all means throw his sorry ass to the wolves.

D0NNELLY

You should look into why his apology means nothing to you.

Fakediamond

Automatic 2 year driving ban, potentially huge fines, prison if someone is killed or seriously injured and forget getting decent insurance quotes for years to
come.

Hiding the keys is probably the easiest thing to do. While I agree that he is a grown up and responsible for his own actions, we all know judgement is impaired by alcohol and its best to take the decision out of his hands.

Also, I'd say he wasn't of much use at the DIY in that hungover state! Not to mention a potential danger around tools/ladders etc.

meeeeh

Piggystardust wrote: »

Nobody is undermining the seriousness of drink driving. Please show me where anyone said chill out, drink driving is fine.
I said its disgusting which it obviously is but I dont see the point of calling the Guards at this stage. She should have called them when he got into the car. At that stage I agree with it.

I still stand by the loyalty card though. He knows it was wrong and luckily nobody was hurt. Calling the Guards now is ridiculous but if he was to reoffend by all means throw his sorry ass to the wolves.

What are you on? Who suggested calling the guards now? It would make absolutely no sense.

Anyway hiding keys is a good idea too if it happens again.

retro:electro

Where was his loyalty to her when he promised her he wouldn't do it again?

ManOfMystery

I went to school with a guy who's mother died when he was very, very young. He was brought up alone by his father. One night his father was walking home and a drunk driver knocked him down and killed him. He was left with no parents before he was even 13.

To say I have no time for drunk drivers is an understatement. There is always an option to get a lift, or a taxi, or a bus. To put someone else's life in danger just because some idiot thinks he or she can control a 1ton+ vehicle while inebriated is the height of selfishness.

I would have absolutely no qualms ringing the police if a family member went out in the car pissed. It doesn't matter how slow they drive, or if they're on an abandoned country road - they have absolutely no idea what they're going to encounter on the road, just like my schoolfriend's father thought that there would be no problem walking a quiet road in a rural area.

OP your partner may have the best intentions of not repeating this idiocy again, but when the drink is in and the wit's out his mindset may change somewhat. Unfortunately if someone has done this once, they generally find it easier to succumb again so his promises - though genuine now - may be worthless when he's drunk. As has been said already, ring the cops next time and confiscate the keys at the very first mention of him driving. The thought of legal action may be more effective on him than what he perceives as a nagging wife or family member.

bp

A distant family member drove drunk and killed a teen. He went to prision (rightly so) and now has to live with what he has done. I have taken and hidden keys on family members and friends when they have been drinking and would have no qualms doing it again or calling the police. I was in a car with someone who had two drinks and I could see how impaired they were. I took the keys and drove from there as I was sober. Better drive someone else's car then have them crash or kill someone.

Calling the guards is the loyal thing to do.

Magicmatilda

People seem to be completely focused on the whole calling the gardai issue. For what its worth OP I would call them if he ever did this again. I am on the side that drink driving is a serious offense and not worth the risk.

I think the issue here is one of values really. Your values are that drink driving is a serious offense and is utterly reprehensible. Your husbands values are that it is minor and not really a big deal (or so it would appear from his actions). To be honest I don't know many people below 55 or so who consider it OK to drive drunk, if anyone. Older generations may still remember the days when it was OK but it has never been OK in my lifetime, not from a cultural standpoint.

So maybe try and approach it from that standpoint. Try understanding why he thought it was OK to do? Why he does not understand the seriousness. To be honest it sounds like you just have different values on this matter and you may have to accept that.

I would be informing him that if he tries to drive drunk again with your knowledge you will hide the keys and if he manages to find them and gets in the car you will call the guards. At least then if it does occur again you have stated your position clearly and unfortunately it probably will happen again as he obviously doesn't view it as something serious otherwise he wouldn't do it.

seenitall

D0NNELLY wrote: »

You should look into why his apology means nothing to you.

No, she shouldn't, her attitude is perfectly reasonable and decent as regarding people's lives.

Anyone who puts any stock into an apology or promises of someone who had already done the very same thing in the past, and apologised then, but yet went on to do it again... Well, I'll just say that the OP seems to be no fool, and IMV that bad feeling about the situation that she has, and the inability to let it go, is her conscience telling her that he is well capable of doing it a third time and that it may just be third time unlucky for some unfortunate person/s.

That's why I agree with those who tell you, OP, to tell him that the next time, you will ring the AGS. And then do it. Because there will be a next time. The more times he does it and gets away with it without any consequences (oh, yes, bar the meaningless "apologies"), the more he will feel emboldened to do it again. And he drunk drove twice now already.

Good luck to you, OP, and the best of luck to anyone in the path of a drunk driver's vehicle.

B.A._Baracus

It's very easy to tell someone else to ring the Garda on their husband for drink driving.
Sure, let's destroy the Op's marriage. That's cool, right? Feck what happens next because "we'll all be there to support her" right? ...via our keyboards... via the internet.... :rolleyes:


OP, have it out with your husband. Let him have it. Drive it home that he can't do it. Pay no attention to the replies of phoning the police because you think these anonymous random strangers over the internet are going to help you... in the real world? They aren't their bollocks. So talk to your husband.

Payton

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

It's very easy to tell someone else to ring the Garda on their husband for drink driving.
Sure, let's destroy the Op's marriage. That's cool, right? Feck what happens next because "we'll all be there to support her" right? ...via our keyboards... via the internet.... :rolleyes:


OP, have it out with your husband. Let him have it. Drive it home that he can't do it. Pay no attention to the replies of phoning the police because you think these anonymous random strangers over the internet are going to help you... in the real world? They aren't their bollocks. So talk to your husband.

If you read the first post the OP tried to talk to him and he still did it. It was his choice to stay up drinking knowing that he had to get up in the morning and drive, that is wrong! He committed a crime and yes he got away with it and no doubt will probably do it again as his arrogance and confidence will tell him it's OK!! and like others here you condone that which is strange. So it's ok to buy goods knowing that they are stolen? It's ok drive without tax/insurance/nct? It's ok to know that someone was about to commit a crime regardless of what the consequences are for an innocent person/victim?
Drink driving in this country is still seen as ok. When are people going to wake up.

I'd have no hesitation in ringing the gardai with the reg. I certainly wouldn't want that knock on the door from the gardai to tell me someone who means the world to me had been killed by a drunk driver. Would you??

leggo

You guys know that drink-driving isn't something that requires a complaint, right? So the OP could easily ring anonymously and her husband would never know.

ManOfMystery

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

It's very easy to tell someone else to ring the Garda on their husband for drink driving.
Sure, let's destroy the Op's marriage. That's cool, right? Feck what happens next because "we'll all be there to support her" right? ...via our keyboards... via the internet.... :rolleyes:


OP, have it out with your husband. Let him have it. Drive it home that he can't do it. Pay no attention to the replies of phoning the police because you think these anonymous random strangers over the internet are going to help you... in the real world? They aren't their bollocks. So talk to your husband.

Now that you've had a rant, go back and read the OP's posts. She's tried talking already, it didn't work.

She can ring the police anonymously, her husband needs never know that he was reported at all - to all intents and purposes he could just have been pulled over randomly.

blue note

God people are so high and mighty over this. I'm pretty sure speeding and tiredness are bigger problems on our roads and I can't imagine many people making a big deal over them.

OP, drink driving is a big deal and you're right to let him know about it. But from what I read this isn't a regular thing? He did it a few years ago and did it again? He very possibly feels bad about it but doesn't want to back down now and admit he's wrong. In which case your having a go at him might have worked (he's probably not going to do it again any time soon).

I honestly think you should drop it. If he does it again have another talk with him, but I'd put it to bed and hope it doesn't crop up again.

Sittingpretty

I wonder if people would be so pink n fluffy and forgiving if he had ploughed into one of their family members while "making a mistake" "only doing it once" and "is sorry now"?

It only takes one time. Thankfully this time he got away with it. I'd be LIVID and I absolutely would call the guards were he to do it again.

The thoughtless, selfish moron.

homerjay2005

UpsetDrainedSad wrote: »

Absolutely. If he killed someone while drink driving I could not live with myself. Him getting a few points on his licence would piss him off but at least I wouldn't be burying him.
Unless you have a better suggestion?

yes if it ever materializes, you just take the keys or insist you drive.

now move on and stop with the unnecessary drama - it is a very serious issue and he should not have done it but its done, hopefully he will learn from it and move on!

but calling the police on him could and probably would, destroy your marriage.

blue note

Sittingpretty wrote: »

I wonder if people would be so pink n fluffy and forgiving if he had ploughed into one of their family members while "making a mistake" "only doing it once" and "is sorry now"?

It only takes one time. Thankfully this time he got away with it. I'd be LIVID and I absolutely would call the guards were he to do it again.

The thoughtless, selfish moron.

Obviously they wouldn't. But he didn't.

I don't wonder if people would be "pink n fluffy and forgiving" if someone was speeding and ploughed into a family member. Or if they drifted off at the wheel because they were exhausted. I know they'd hate that person and they'd have every right to. But we're talking about the husband and the op here. And if he had done 160 on the motor way or gotten in the car straight after a 20 hour flight the reaction would be very different for doing something similarly dangerous.

Neyite

Mod:

OK folks, its an emotive issue I know - I've personally had a bereavement caused by a DUI - but can we take a step back and focus on the OP's issue without all the outrage.

She wants advice on her relationship. Anyone from this point on who is soapboxing about drink driving and not focusing on giving advice will have their posts actioned.

Conor Bourke

The vibe I got from the OP is that she feels it's just lip service from her husband: he said sorry (same as he did the last time) but probably doesn't really mean it.

Leaving aside the danger to himself, to others etc, it's just such an incredibly selfish thing to do and perhaps that's what's bothering the OP?

I've a friend who's partner lost his licence in his late teens for an appalling array of motoring charges. He was young and wild but when they got together he had supposedly settled down and changed his ways and applied to get his licence back. He was successful, but within 12 months he'd lost it again, driving home from the pub when their house was a 5 minute walk away along a well lit footpath. To make matters worse, my friend was heavily pregnant at the time.

We never talked about it until their relationship ended a few years later and she told me of her anger at his sheer stupidity and selfishness. She knew it wasn't the first time he'd done it since he'd gotten his licence back and she asked him not to do it again. He said he wouldn't, but didn't keep his word. My friend was then left under phenomenal pressure being the only one who drove in the house with a small baby and a partner who was able to drive but was prevented from doing so by his own careless actions.

I think someone else has pointed out that if the OP was caught (without having the OP having reported him) and he needs his car/licence for work he'd suddenly have found himself unemployed. If they have kids it's suddenly all down to the OP to bring them the places they need to be, she has to do all the grocery shopping, if she's sick and unable to drive she can't share the workload with him. She can't even ask him to nip to the shops for a pint of milk if she's busy (assuming there isn't a shop within walking distance but you know what I mean).

I understand the OPs anger. Not only do his actions smack of selfishness and immaturity but your trust is affected as he broke a promise not to do it again and it is something that could have catastrophic consequences.