Why do so many women in relationships go off sex?

Variety of reasons. Communication is probably a big one; people who have an intimate physical sexual relationship often struggle to have a frank and honest conversation about sex. It's a touchy subject and people can shrink back for fear of injuring each other's egos and stuff. It's a thing a lot of people are very sensitive and vulnerable about, and also there's probably a cultural thing. I know grown ass men in their twenties who find it difficult to say "vagina".

Pure run of the mill physical stuff as well, hormones and libido are strongly linked, and there are one or two wee hormonal differences between men and women. I was on the pill recently because of period problems, had read 'may effect libido' in the side effects, so I knew it was coming but my god I didn't know. Figured I'd just power through, but eventually came off the pill, the loss of libido wasn't worth it. If someone's regular experience of sex drive was what mine was on the pill, I can very much see how they end up avoiding it. And women will lose their libido more quickly as they age, generally. Menopause, pregnancy, medication, all kinds of things can influence it. Again, it's something which should be communicated about and worked through, but it's not just some nonsense excuse.

And people can often not notice or choose not to pay attention to sexual incompatibility at the start of a relationship if they're mad about someone. And I'm sure there are people who fake a higher libido (or just a higher sexual interest in that particular person) and then chill out once they have a ring on their finger. Going back to my own loss from being on the pill, if I were like that all the time, I'm not sure I could properly appreciate how soul-sucking a lack of sex is for someone with a regular/high drive, they probably think it's no big deal.

And then there's the other long term relationship stuff. Sexual desire for women is very situationally dependent. If you're anxious, stressed, worried the kids will walk in, tired, thinking about fifty things you have to do tomorrow, or just generally pissed off with your partner, you're less likely to feel like having sex. Sucks, but there it is. And again, communicating about these problems when you're having them rather than shutting down is the thing to do. But suggesting that trying to make sure your missus is happy, feeling appreciated, housework is being fairly divided etc. as a solution isn't the outrage that some men seem to take it as. I do sometimes wonder when I see people saying "She rarely initiates sex and when I initiate she rebuffs me" what form these "initiations" are taking. Because speaking from bitter experience, an initiation that involves goosing her and giving her a hopeful smile when she's bent over the dishwasher isn't likely to go well.

Think electro-bitch has this answered. It's great to see an admission that contraception can have an effect. I once mentioned this in another thread and was largelly shouted down.

I've lost my sex drive due to being on lithium but it is more than that. I'm not comfortable at all in sexual situations. I used to have a demon sex drive and incredibly good self control coupled with openness and confidence. No more. I don't have the option of coming off my pill so have pretty much given up on sex going forward.

My last attempt still makes me facepalm.

Outlaw Pete wrote: »

@electro~bitch

Most of that stuff you highlight effects men also, which is why I think you're seeing the type of replies posted so far. Sex is 'situationally dependent' for us too. We get anxious, stressed and think about 50 things too. We also like to feel appreciated too. We are not always horny, much as it is oft claimed. Men are not machines. Erectile dysfunction is more and more common today than ever before. As for being goosed and expected to perform at the drop of a hat. Trust me, that happens guys a hell of a lot more than you would imagine and he will often be met with insults like 'But you're a guy, sure you always want sex' should he decline.

Reminds me of how Vera used to harass poor old Jack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qoO1qpTy9g

Is it as dependent though? I've gotten the impression from reading TGC and places (as well as speaking to the men in my life) that for many men sex is pretty much always a priority no matter what's going on in their life; that stress or exhaustion would no more make them not need sex than it'd make them not need water. I do realise that most of the issues I mentioned effect men too, but the question was phrased in terms of women's libido, didn't mean to imply they were problems exclusive to women. Well, the menopause and pregnancy maybe :pac:

I'd say a man with a low sex drive has a harder time than a woman though. It's just so expected of ye, and so tied into masculinity in a way it just isn't with women.

From what I've seen over the years men can have some horrifically guilty hang ups over sex too, that's not limited to women at all.

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

Prolactin is a massive and almost entirely unremarked factor. Prolactin suppresses sex drive, dopamine increases it. Unfortunately, prolactin is also involved in a lot of other issues - anyone taking anti depressant or anti psychotic medication is likely to have a prolactin dominance over dopamine for starters, and anyone who's recently given birth will have one as well because prolactin is also responsible for breast feeding (stimulates milk production and lactation, hence the name "pro - lact - in").

I discovered most of this by accident. Prolactin suppressing supplements (mods - OTC herbal and fitness supps, not medications) have done wonders for not just my sex drive but for my entire outlook on life - it really does astound me that there isn't more focus on the prolactin/dopamine cycle in sexual and mental health discussions.

Surely this is going against the purpose of the medication? Would prolactin herbals interfere with lithium uptake for example?