Why do so many women in relationships go off sex?

blue note

Obviously this is a generalisation - lots of women don't and some men do. But I think we'd have our heads in the sand if we didn't admit this is a fact. Very often, women in long term relationships lose interest in sex. And why is this? Are they all that interested in it in the first place? Or are they just pretending to be into it in the first place?

I remember talking to my housemate (female) who was telling me that if she didn't have sex in a few months she'd hardly care. Whereas if I didn't in a fortnight I'd get horny when I see the crack or dawn. She also told me of a conversation with her friends where they all said the same thing - that they didn't see sex as that big a deal. And specifically that they looked forward to marriage which they planned to give up oral after.

Obviously that's not a study on it, but i think it's actually typical of the attitude of a lot of women on the topic. And i don't think the problem is really recognised. You don't read all thay many articles on it or hear it discussed very often on the radio. And when you do hear bits on it they are generally very superficial discussions - have a date night, do more housework, buy her flowers - these small gestures will get her in the mood. But very rarely do you read about the very common relationship problem of man still wants to have sex, woman isn't really interested. Not through a lack of attention or flowers or because she does more of the housework. It just doesn't interest her.

What can be done about this?!?

The King of Moo

And how about those packets of peanuts on airlines?

The Diddakoi

I still like sex....
But I don't particularly like peanuts or airlines.

s4uv3

That's a load of generalised bull****.

midlandsmissus

blue note wrote: »

Obviously this is a generalisation - lots of women don't and some men do. But I think we'd have our heads in the sand if we didn't admit this is a fact. Very often, women in long term relationships lose interest in sex. And why is this? Are they all that interested in it in the first place? Or are they just pretending to be into it in the first place?

I remember talking to my housemate (female) who was telling me that if she didn't have sex in a few months she'd hardly care. Whereas if I didn't in a fortnight I'd get horny when I see the crack or dawn. She also told me of a conversation with her friends where they all said the same thing - that they didn't see sex as that big a deal. And specifically that they looked forward to marriage which they planned to give up oral after.

Obviously that's not a study on it, but i think it's actually typical of the attitude of a lot of women on the topic. And i don't think the problem is really recognised. You don't read all thay many articles on it or hear it discussed very often on the radio. And when you do hear bits on it they are generally very superficial discussions - have a date night, do more housework, buy her flowers - these small gestures will get her in the mood. But very rarely do you read about the very common relationship problem of man still wants to have sex, woman isn't really interested. Not through a lack of attention or flowers or because she does more of the housework. It just doesn't interest her.

What can be done about this?!?

I'll put it out there and say this: many men are very selfish in bed. They do what feels good for them until they orgasm, and don't take care of the woman's orgasm.

There are so many factors here:
Porn shows men just sticking their penis in a woman's vagina and the woman screaming in ecstasy. But this is filmed by men and is not what women need sexually at all.
Women need foreplay and lots of it.

When you are not getting sexually satisfied, why would you miss it.

I haven't had sex in 8 months and I don't miss it, as I know if I had a one night stand, I know I would be used for their pleasure , their orgasm.

Whereas if I knew there were men out there who would really give me a great experience and see sex as pleasure two ways then I would miss it.

It takes two to tango . Satisfy your women. Make sex better for all of us.

blue note

blue note wrote: »

Obviously this is a generalisation - lots of women don't and some men do. But I think we'd have our heads in the sand if we didn't admit this is a fact. Very often, women in long term relationships lose interest in sex. And why is this? Are they all that interested in it in the first place? Or are they just pretending to be into it in the first place?

I remember talking to my housemate (female) who was telling me that if she didn't have sex in a few months she'd hardly care. Whereas if I didn't in a fortnight I'd get horny when I see the crack or dawn. She also told me of a conversation with her friends where they all said the same thing - that they didn't see sex as that big a deal. And specifically that they looked forward to marriage which they planned to give up oral after.

Obviously that's not a study on it, but i think it's actually typical of the attitude of a lot of women on the topic. And i don't think the problem is really recognised. You don't read all thay many articles on it or hear it discussed very often on the radio. And when you do hear bits on it they are generally very superficial discussions - have a date night, do more housework, buy her flowers - these small gestures will get her in the mood. But very rarely do you read about the very common relationship problem of man still wants to have sex, woman isn't really interested. Not through a lack of attention or flowers or because she does more of the housework. It just doesn't interest her.

What can be done about this?!?

I will tell you what can be done about this be in a relationship with the right person.

Wibbs

Ahh married man's mickey. It happens alright and it can go t'other way too. A fair number of my women mates down the years have complained about a lack of rumpypumpy in their relationships. From my tiny source sample it seemed in general the men who went off it went off it quickly, like within a year or two, whereas the women who went off it it was more like five years on.

blue note wrote: »

What can be done about this?!?

Marry a nymphomaniac. Actually, that's not a bad plan. Go for a man/woman who actually enjoys sex itself and doesn't require four months of foreplay. Not just because of love or because it's with you. Unless you've a low drive yourself avoid the laying in state types of people.

midlandsmissus

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I'll put it out there and say this: many men are very selfish in bed. They do what feels good for them until they orgasm, and don't take care of the woman's orgasm.

There are so many factors here:
Porn shows men just sticking their penis in a woman's vagina and the woman screaming in ecstasy. But this is filmed by men and is not what women need sexually at all.
Women need foreplay and lots of it.

When you are not getting sexually satisfied, why would you miss it.

I haven't had sex in 8 months and I don't miss it, as I know if I had a one night stand, I know I would be used for their pleasure , their orgasm.

Whereas if I knew there were men out there who would really give me a great experience and see sex as pleasure two ways then I would miss it.

It takes two to tango . Satisfy your women. Make sex better for all of us.

Ah, that generalisation is fine of course.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Blueballs would have been an apt username OP.

eviltwin

Life happens. Familiarity, work, managing a home and hobbies and a social life not to mention the impact of kids if you have them. And women are subject to hormone fluctuations that can reduce libido. I think quality of sex is better than quantity. And sex doesn't just happen. I can't expect my partner to be ready just cause I'm horny. Seduction and foreplay is important and that needs to happen all the time not just in the five minutes before you're ready to go at it.

Pac1Man

Is monogamy natural for our species or is it something we have become socially programmed to follow?

Maybe males are instinctively meant to sew the wild oats with whoever and whenever, therefore not being limited to one person so it wouldn't matter if she wasn't interested. Chimpanzees, our close relative, are not monogamous for example.

Sir Osis of Liver.

Alcohol is your friend.

blue note

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I'll put it out there and say this: many men are very selfish in bed. They do what feels good for them until they orgasm, and don't take care of the woman's orgasm.

There are so many factors here:
Porn shows men just sticking their penis in a woman's vagina and the woman screaming in ecstasy. But this is filmed by men and is not what women need sexually at all.
Women need foreplay and lots of it.

When you are not getting sexually satisfied, why would you miss it.

I haven't had sex in 8 months and I don't miss it, as I know if I had a one night stand, I know I would be used for their pleasure , their orgasm.

Whereas if I knew there were men out there who would really give me a great experience and see sex as pleasure two ways then I would miss it.

It takes two to tango . Satisfy your women. Make sex better for all of us.

Any time I read about the topic it always comes back to the man first and what he might be doing wrong. Yes, what you say can often he true, but often the man isn't a selfish lover. Or might be more than willing to do whatever the partner wants in bed, but the problem is he's not psychic and the women won't tell him.

But when the sex dies out in a relationship the first person to blame always seems to be the man.

Speedwell

My ex had health problems (not sex related) and refused to go to his GP about them, but he was always too ill to have sex when I wanted it. Eventually he stopped initiating, then he stopped responding to me initiating, then he started saying that he didn't feel like being close at all and would I please not crowd him in bed. When he did finally come around asking for nookie, I was just too fed up with being neglected. And then the complaints started. "I don't know why you're so frigid. You never used to be so frigid." No, I used to have a man who thought I was worth touching. Where did he go, eh?

hairyslug

Am gonna go straight home now and do a bit of hoovering, gonna see if that gets her in the mood.

mzungu

Pac1Man wrote: »

Is monogamy natural for our species or is it something we have become socially programmed to follow?

Maybe males are instinctively meant to sew the wild oats with whoever and whenever, therefore not being limited to one person so it wouldn't matter if she wasn't interested. Chimpanzees, our close relative, are not monogamous for example.

I recall reading somewhere that the bond between men and women typically lasts four years, which is about enough time to raise a child out of the toddler stages. The vast majority of human societies were polygamous, but monogamy is enforced as the cultural norm. One theory is that monogamy is based on the need to secure the support of the less well off men in society. Wealthy men can attract multiple partners and this would cause disenfranchisement among poorer men. Therefore monogamy keeps the balance in society by their being one woman for every man...or so the theory goes!

mzungu

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I'll put it out there and say this: many men are very selfish in bed. They do what feels good for them until they orgasm, and don't take care of the woman's orgasm.

A bit heavy on the generalisations there! Unless you know the intimate details of the sex lives of 'many men'?

Dr Crayfish

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I haven't had sex in 8 months and I don't miss it, as I know if I had a one night stand, I know I would be used for their pleasure , their orgasm.

Yikes, sounds like something from an ultra feminist manifesto. It's supposed to be a two way street missus.
I've gone off sex with women so I don't think it's a male sided thing at all. Male friends of mine have also gone off it with partners in the past too. It happens both ways.

Dr Crayfish

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I'll put it out there and say this: many men are very selfish in bed. They do what feels good for them until they orgasm, and don't take care of the woman's orgasm.

There are so many factors here:
Porn shows men just sticking their penis in a woman's vagina and the woman screaming in ecstasy. But this is filmed by men and is not what women need sexually at all.
Women need foreplay and lots of it.

When you are not getting sexually satisfied, why would you miss it.

I haven't had sex in 8 months and I don't miss it, as I know if I had a one night stand, I know I would be used for their pleasure , their orgasm.

Whereas if I knew there were men out there who would really give me a great experience and see sex as pleasure two ways then I would miss it.

It takes two to tango . Satisfy your women. Make sex better for all of us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9IlKM_3JSs

razorblunt

Speedwell wrote: »

My ex had health problems (not sex related) and refused to go to his GP about them, but he was always too ill to have sex when I wanted it. Eventually he stopped initiating, then he stopped responding to me initiating, then he started saying that he didn't feel like being close at all and would I please not crowd him in bed. When he did finally come around asking for nookie, I was just too fed up with being neglected. And then the complaints started. "I don't know why you're so frigid. You never used to be so frigid." No, I used to have a man who thought I was worth touching. Where did he go, eh?

Crikey I hope you two had a sit down and talked it through.

eviltwin

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I'll put it out there and say this: many men are very selfish in bed. They do what feels good for them until they orgasm, and don't take care of the woman's orgasm.

There are so many factors here:
Porn shows men just sticking their penis in a woman's vagina and the woman screaming in ecstasy. But this is filmed by men and is not what women need sexually at all.
Women need foreplay and lots of it.

When you are not getting sexually satisfied, why would you miss it.

I haven't had sex in 8 months and I don't miss it, as I know if I had a one night stand, I know I would be used for their pleasure , their orgasm.

Whereas if I knew there were men out there who would really give me a great experience and see sex as pleasure two ways then I would miss it.

It takes two to tango . Satisfy your women. Make sex better for all of us.

Aren't they equally at fault then? The man for being selfish and the woman for not addressing it? People aren't mind readers, if I'm not giving my partner the attention they need I'm not going to know unless I'm told. Do people not communicate anymore?

Speedwell

razorblunt wrote: »

Crikey I hope you two had a sit down and talked it through.

He said he was perfectly happy with the situation, therefore there wasn't a problem. Well, not until he was the one who had the problem. Life is too short.

IvyTheTerrible

eviltwin wrote: »

Aren't they equally at fault then? The man for being selfish and the woman for not addressing it? People aren't mind readers, if I'm not giving my partner the attention they need I'm not going to know unless I'm told. Do people not communicate anymore?

I think that has a lot to do with it. What works for one person may not work for another - so if your partner doesn't know what you like tell him, or they can ask!

(As an aside, why is it difficult for some people who sleep together to talk about sex?)

Wibbs

mzungu wrote: »

I recall reading somewhere that bond between men and women typically lasts four years, which is about enough time to raise a child out of the toddler stages.

Yep the honeymoon period. Seems to last between 2 and 4 years alright. Back when I was modding the personal issues forum hereabouts you could pretty much predict what timeframe breakup threads would mention.

I would disagree that the majority of human societies are/were polygamous. The most noticeable thing about human societies is how varied they are around this. Some are poly, some are mono, most have a mix of both(About the rarest type would be the woman with more than one partner. That's an outlier alright). Variability is our thang as with our varied diets so goes our varied relationships. We cannot be compared to any of the great apes, though it's fashionable to try. First we had the warlike aggressive chimp as like us, then we got the matriarchal bonobo who shags a lot became fashionable. We're like neither. Hell, it seems we stick out among all human species who have ever lived.

If you do look at the great apes, penis and testicle size is interesting. Gorillas that operate harems of females have tiny willies and nuts, because they don't have as much competition and can "trust" the females more. Chimps have huge nuts, biggest among the great apes because they are so promiscuous and they can't be sure if they're going to father offspring so try to offset that with volume and repetition. Human males are in the middle in teste size, with the largest penis of all(though lost the penis bone), so it seems human males are less trusting than gorillas, but more trusting than chimps and penis size was selected for by women. Women also hide their reproductive state which is a major difference.

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I'll put it out there and say this: many men are very selfish in bed.

And I'll put it out there that many women are useless at sex, expecting showing up naked will suffice(and to be fair often it does in small doses). Some expect you to be psychic so won't tell you if they're liking something or not. The sexual version of "what's wrong?" Her: *silence* "if you cared you'd know already". Puts me off anyway.

dotsman

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I'll put it out there and say this: many men are very selfish in bed. They do what feels good for them until they orgasm, and don't take care of the woman's orgasm.

There are so many factors here:
Porn shows men just sticking their penis in a woman's vagina and the woman screaming in ecstasy. But this is filmed by men and is not what women need sexually at all.
Women need foreplay and lots of it.

When you are not getting sexually satisfied, why would you miss it.

I haven't had sex in 8 months and I don't miss it, as I know if I had a one night stand, I know I would be used for their pleasure , their orgasm.

Whereas if I knew there were men out there who would really give me a great experience and see sex as pleasure two ways then I would miss it.

It takes two to tango . Satisfy your women. Make sex better for all of us.

Wow, you've had some bad one-night-stands if you think they are not about the woman's pleasure. From my experience, it is often the opposite!

You say you haven't had sex in 8 months (which is fine), but,<Life of Brian reference> if it's not a personal question </Life of Brian reference> are you masturbating regularly during this time?

For me that's the key question in this topic. Have they gone off sex with their partner, or gone off sexual pleasure altogether? If they are "taking care of themselves" regularly, then yes, they are probably no longer sexually attracted to their partner or their partner is not satisfying their needs/desires etc, and thus the problem is, at least, partly with the partner. However, if they are not masturbating regularly during this, then the issue is clearly with their own sex drive etc (of which there could be many causes).

midlandsmissus

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Yikes, sounds like something from an ultra feminist manifesto. It's supposed to be a two way street missus.
I've gone off sex with women so I don't think it's a male sided thing at all. Male friends of mine have also gone off it with partners in the past too. It happens both ways.

But I'm saying it as being sad for myself. Id love to live in a world where sex was really lovely, pleasurable and ecstatic for myself, but that is not my norm. I have never had sex with people where I did not make sure they came, yet I have been with men who seemed surprised that sex was not solely about their orgasm.

Case in point - I was on holidays last year, and my friend was casually seeing this English guy - she came back in the middle of the night when they had sex and was like ' why was I even there', it was so bad. He had purely thought of his pleasure then rolled over and went to sleep.

I want better sex!

Dr Crayfish

midlandsmissus wrote: »

But I'm saying it as being sad for myself. Id love to live in a world where sex was really lovely, pleasurable and ecstatic for myself, but that is not my norm. I have never had sex with people where I did not make sure they came, yet I have been with men who seemed surprised that sex was not solely about their orgasm.

Case in point - I was on holidays last year, and my friend was casually seeing this English guy - she came back in the middle of the night when they had sex and was like ' why was I even there', it was so bad. He had purely thought of his pleasure then rolled over and went to sleep.

I want better sex!

Fair enough but sure we've all had bad sexual experiences, it's not a gender specific misfortune!

razorblunt

Speedwell wrote: »

He said he was perfectly happy with the situation, therefore there wasn't a problem. Well, not until he was the one who had the problem. Life is too short.

Fair enough then!

the evasion_kid

blue note wrote: »

Any time I read about the topic it always comes back to the man first and what he might be doing wrong. Yes, what you say can often he true, but often the man isn't a selfish lover. Or might be more than willing to do whatever the partner wants in bed, but the problem is he's not psychic and the women won't tell him.

But when the sex dies out in a relationship the first person to blame always seems to be the man.

They expect you just to "get it"...

midlandsmissus

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Fair enough but sure we've all had bad sexual experiences, it's not a gender specific misfortune!

Yeah. Maybe both genders need to communicate in a better way. Sex should be great for all of us!

blue note

blue note wrote: »

Any time I read about the topic it always comes back to the man first and what he might be doing wrong. Yes, what you say can often he true, but often the man isn't a selfish lover. Or might be more than willing to do whatever the partner wants in bed, but the problem is he's not psychic and the women won't tell him.

But when the sex dies out in a relationship the first person to blame always seems to be the man.

http://www.videobash.com/video_show/jim-jefferies-foreplay-42857

Keane2baMused

Funny OP because I as a woman have only ever experienced the opposite in past relationships.

Men with much lower sex drives. In fact one ex would only have sex on particular day of the week cos he was "too tired"the rest of the time...ahem. Low libido really does ruin a relationship.

I don't think I have a particularly high sex drive but I would want it at least 3 times in a week

Potatoeman

midlandsmissus wrote: »

But I'm saying it as being sad for myself. Id love to live in a world where sex was really lovely, pleasurable and ecstatic for myself, but that is not my norm. I have never had sex with people where I did not make sure they came, yet I have been with men who seemed surprised that sex was not solely about their orgasm.

Case in point - I was on holidays last year, and my friend was casually seeing this English guy - she came back in the middle of the night when they had sex and was like ' why was I even there', it was so bad. He had purely thought of his pleasure then rolled over and went to sleep.

I want better sex!

You know just because a guy comes, it does not mean he has had an orgasm.

OldNotWIse

That whole thing about no oral after marriage is a jaded urban legend. I'm guessing one might go off sex with the person they are married to as opposed to just off sex, though presumably if you're married to the right person this doesn't happen.

OldNotWIse

Potatoeman wrote: »

You know just because a guy comes, it does not mean he has had an orgasm.

FortySeven

Potatoeman wrote: »

You know just because a guy comes, it does not mean he has had an orgasm.

Tell me more? I must be doing it wrong.

Cortina_MK_IV

There is a food that has been shown to put women off of sex.

It's called wedding cake.

Pac1Man

Potatoeman wrote: »

You know just because a guy comes, it does not mean he has had an orgasm.

Excuse me sir?

Potatoeman

FortySeven wrote: »

Tell me more? I must be doing it wrong.

You can ejeculate with having an orgasm.

OldNotWIse

FortySeven wrote: »

Tell me more? I must be doing it wrong.

Me too!:eek:

Plus cant google this stuff in work!

FortySeven

Potatoeman wrote: »

You can ejeculate with having an orgasm.

Are we talking prostate massage?

osarusan

Exeggcute

Lying there like a sack of spuds and then complaining he is selfish

CarrickMcJoe

blue note wrote: »

I remember talking to my housemate (female) who was telling me that if she didn't have sex in a few months she'd hardly care. Whereas if I didn't in a fortnight I'd get horny when I see the crack or dawn.



What can be done about this?!?

If I was Dawn, I'd watch my back!!

Just about any time I've heard both sides of a sexual encounter or relationship where the woman claims to be adventrous/wild the man says it was boring or lazy stuff. Or at least the "wild" bit disappears extremely quickly.

Potatoeman

FortySeven wrote: »

Are we talking prostate massage?

No, would you agree there are at least different sizes.

Sir Osis of Liver.

Potatoeman wrote: »

No, would you agree there are at least different sizes.

I'm hugely confused Ted.

Coming without coming in different sizes?

StupidLikeAFox

Sir Osis of Liver. wrote: »

I'm hugely confused Ted.

Coming without coming in different sizes?

I think what he is trying to say is that not all male orgasms are equal - just because you ejaculate doesn't necessarily mean you are completely satisfied

OldNotWIse

StupidLikeAFox wrote: »

I think what he is trying to say is that not all male orgasms are equal - just because you ejaculate doesn't necessarily mean you are completely satisfied

What the hell else is meant to happen? :eek: I would have thought it was a clear sign that he was er "done"

Chris_Bradley

You'd somehow get tired of blue-skies here if it always was sunny.

FortySeven

Potatoeman wrote: »

No, would you agree there are at least different sizes.

Normal and enlarged?