Would you be ok with this?

m'lady · 02-07-2016 10:04AM

I agree with intheclouds, the comment of it not being his fault that you won't believe him is a complete and utter deflection. Op you don't deserve this treatment at all, he's been a thoughtless, inconsiderate p***k that doesn't even realise it- do you want to start a family with someone like that?

Big Bag of Chips · 02-07-2016 10:20AM

Anyone could tell you they're committed to you and you're a priority for them. The words are the easy bit. It's making you believe it that proves it. He's childish, immature and selfish. He thinks only of himself, his needs and his wants. You are an afterthought for him. In some cases he even deliberately gets you out of the way so that he can go off and get his ego stroked. He had arranged that weekend that he sent you home. He sent you home to go back to work. "Out of concern for you." How convenient that before you've even made your way home he's already happened to meet up with an old friend, had arranged to stay a couple of nights and go out together for the couple of days all while he's supposed to be terribly worried about his sick mother and running around to appointments and hospitals etc.

He sounds like the sad "auld fella" in the pub that flirts with all the 20 something year olds, and thinks he's in with a chance. Most people just think he's sad. I don't know about you, but I certainly wouldn't like to be his partner and be getting all the pitying looks from people while he flirts with anyone that makes eye contact and heads off for weekends and weeks away with other women.

Everything with him is an ego boost. Dare I say being in a relationship with someone 20 years younger is just another example of this.

Username212016 · 08-07-2016 07:48PM

Thank you so much for all your replies, you helped me so much to get some perspective.

So we spoke about the incident with the girl and he said he didn't think anything of it, he was down because of his mother condition, last thing in his mind was sex and that's that. And that he was upset that at a difficult time such as this with his mother seriously ill, I'd be the jealous type.

So fast forward to today, it's been 3 weeks now that his mother is in coma in the hospital and a month he is in the UK. He needs to be around to take care of his elderly father though he has a brother that helps sometimes.

I'm going through hell at work and I'm sitting here on my own, at 37, without knowing what will happen. His mother may die, she may come back home with some disability or she may recover. Could be 1, 6 or 12 months. He says he would get a carer for the long term.

Coincidentally, my grandpa fell and broke his hip two weeks ago (when it rains, it pours).

I speak for 20min max on the phone with my bj per day and mostly about his mother. Sometimes about my job. I don't even talk about my family.

I feel completely abandoned and he says he is too depressed to "prop me up".

And yet I'm the one propping him up.
I don't know what my question is.

My life came to a halt.

uck51js9zml2yt · 08-07-2016 07:59PM

It really is time to take back control of your life and move on.
You're going to waste your life otherwise con a guy whose more concerned with himself that with you and that won't change.

Big Bag of Chips · 08-07-2016 08:00PM

Did you mention sex or did he?! The excuse of "he didn't even think of it" is a bit of a weak one. Maybe going off, staying with friends, going out for breakfast and dinner etc and not "thinking about" your partner might be ok when you don't have a partner. When you do have a partner you need to start thinking about things that may affect them.

Nobody is saying he needs to ring you up every time and ask permission, but he is being selfish. His needs come before everyone else's. Well, yours. Yes, his mother is sick, and yes it's a stressful time for him, but he seems to be able to make time for meeting up with others. His parents are elderly. Unfortunately their health is only going in one direction.

Some people may call you selfish for thinking like this at a time when he's under pressure.... But.... What if he spends the next 10/15 years under pressure. How much do you hang back in the background to give him the space to deal with all his stuff? And when do you get time to be appreciated and Ioved?

You're 37. 37. Not 67 or 77. You have potentially 50 more good years of living. Think about how you'd like to feel and be made feel for those years, and then think about how you can get that. 37 is so young!!!!!

Username212016 · 12-07-2016 11:21PM

Dear all, I would love to hear your point of view and insights.

Met bf 6 months ago in Australia, I'm 37, he's 52, we really connected and decided to invest in a serious relationship. He's originally from the UK, was living in Australia for +10years and relocated to Dublin (he works remotely).

We discussed marriage and kids and he was quite keen on both, even suggested "let's go buy the ring first thing tomorrow and get engaged". He was very smitten. I suggested we waited 6 months to get to know each other better. In the meantime, we had a few arguments, once honeymoon period was over, like any other couple.

Fast-foward to 6 months down the line, his mother became terribly ill (brain surgery) while we visited her in the UK. I literally held her dying in my arms till the ambulance arrived, while she had a convulsion. it was one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. I supported her and the family and did all I could. Then I had to return to Dublin due to my job.

It's been 1 month apart now, his mother is still very seriously ill (brain surgery), barely responds to signs, etc. Docs say recovery may take more than 6 months, and it's a bumpy road. He sees her once or twice a week and in the meantime cooks/watches over his elderly father.

I have been trying to be as supportive as possible during this month, spending hours researching medical stuff, calling hospitals, and talking to him.

At the same time, I had a major issue at my workplace (very serious politics/laying ppl off) and my father broke his hip and might not resist a complicate surgery. So now we are both facing the death of a parent (plus my job issues). Needless to say I'm at my wits end.

His approach to the whole situation is very pragmatic and cold, and is not keen on sharing emotions or receiving emotion support. I understand it's his way of dealing with the situation. On my side, I think supporting each other emotionally, especially at a time like this, is one of the most important things in a relationship. He says he doesn't have the strength to cheer me up, and that I don't need to bother cheering him up either.

My entire life is in stand-by as he doesn't have a plan in place to have someone caring for the parents, despite him being quite well-off and having decided he won't be their main carer. Docs say recovery may take 6 months or more. I had no idea if or when we will be able to see each other, or if or when he will return to our place.

The timing is terrible but I had to ask if he was still as committed as before to us, and he said had some doubts (both about us, marriage and kids). He starting having doubts after the arguments we had (nothing major, but it has been a long time since he was in a relationship)

My problem is two-fold:

1. I'm worried that this situation is really showing that we deal with and expect different types and levels of emotional support from each other, and if in the future we are faced with another challenge (ie parenthood), he would go to his man cave and I'd have no support.

2. If he's not sure anymore, I don't see the point of waiting 6 months apart on a LDR at 37 just for him to say, "meh, changed my mind, see ya".

Of course this has to be discussed further, but it's tricky given the situation. I see the days go by while I'm alone and my life is in stand-by but can't approach the topic further.

Am I being selfish, wanting to define this now (ie whether he sees a future for us), before I get more involved with him and waste more time?
One one side, I want to respect his mother, on the other side, it's my life going nowhere at 37...

Many thanks for your opinions and sorry such a long post!

Big Bag of Chips · 12-07-2016 11:29PM

Are your problems not 3 fold? Or have you accepted that he's "just good friends" with these other women?

I don't know, OP. From what you have posted about him in this and your last thread, he doesn't seem like the settling down type. If he's having doubts at this stage, and his enthusiasm has wained significantly then what are the prospects for a long term future? Your lives are only going to become more stressful as you both have elderly parents who will need help, and inevitable bereavements.

If he runs at the first sign of trouble, and says he's having doubts, how likely is he to stand by you in tougher times? What if you don't get pregnant immediately, and have difficulty? What if you do get pregnant immediately, and again he says he "has doubts"?

He managed to make it to 52 years of age without really committing to anyone. Maybe he's just not the settling down kind?

Username212016 · 12-07-2016 11:39PM

Thanks for your reply, Bag of Chips, I appreciate it.

I wanted to write this post without the jealousy side, because after the way things progressed and after having some serious conversations with him, that became a minor aspect of the relationship (though not something to be ignored).

I guess I haven't meant his good side. He is one of the most intelligent man i met in a long time, and we have remarkably similar views in life and similar quirks too, which makes for a very unique and special relationship. We also have a lot of chemistry and many similar views in terms of future/travelling etc.

But now things seem to have changed, and I discovered this new side of his, the distant communicator...

I'm not sure if it's a blessing, having someone that is so controlled with their emotions, or a total deal-break, as I love giving and receiving love and support.

December2012 · 13-07-2016 12:15AM

Why are you doing mescal research? Did he ask you to do that?

You are placing a lot of weight on what you did for his mother as if he should be doing the same for you. How is hip surgery the same risk as having a stroke?

I think it's unfair to be placing demands and asking about your relationship while he has so much on his plate

Faith · 13-07-2016 12:20AM

Username212016 wrote: »

Dear all, I would love to hear your point of view and insights.

Met bf 6 months ago in Australia, I'm 37, he's 52, we really connected and decided to invest in a serious relationship.

We discussed marriage and kids and he was quite keen on both, even suggested "let's go buy the ring first thing tomorrow and get engaged". He was very smitten. I suggested we waited 6 months to get to know each other better. In the meantime, we had a few arguments, once honeymoon period was over, like any other couple.

I'm so confused. You've been together for 6 months - is that correct? You immediately began discussing marriage, but you suggested waiting 6 months to talk more about it? And it's only been 6 months to date, and you already think the honeymoon period is over??

The timing is terrible but I had to ask if he was still as committed as before to us, and he said had some doubts (both about us, marriage and kids). He starting having doubts after the arguments we had (nothing major, but it has been a long time since he was in a relationship)

Good god, OP, what are you getting from this relationship? You have started two threads here about him - is that not a sign to you that things aren't right? It's not supposed to be this hard.

You're missing the wood for the trees here.

1. Alarm bells should have been ringing at the mere mention of marriage after you'd only known each other a few weeks
2. "Honeymoon periods" should last a lot longer than a couple of months
3. You have had to start 2 threads on here about this relationship
4. He's not giving you what you need or want, and is actually being quite clear that he has no intention of providing it in the future.

Ask yourself: Are you happy?

It sounds like this relationship is dead in the water, to me.

Ursus Horribilis · 13-07-2016 12:51AM

Ah, I recognised this straight away from your other thread. What I'm wondering is why you're asking the same question minus all the detail from the other thread about his playing happy families with his exes etc? It's disingenuous to be leaving out all that detail if someone who hasn't read your other thread reads this one. You can't just separate one issue from another.

Anyway, regardless of what way you want to tell this story, I can't see that there's much of a future in it. He seems to be emotionally absent and not too bothered. And besides, are you sure that having children with a man of his age is a good idea? He'll be getting his pension and his free bus pass when they're still in primary school.

Username212016 · 13-07-2016 02:02AM

Thank you very much for your replies.

I created 2 threads one month apart because in the first one I was discussing a singular event, and the jealousy aspect of the relationship. One month later, my bf and I are both waiting for one of our parents to die, so things changed a bit and I’m considering a much broader aspect of the relationship. This is what this post is about.

Answering a few questions:

My father is in his late 80s and has severe cardiac disease, so we have been told chances are close to zero that he will make it. His mother did not have a stroke and is slowly recovering. I’m not trying to compare and see who has the biggest problem though.

I was reading up on the medical literature because I work in the medical area, and both of us found it comforting to learning more about what was happening to his mother. But it is true, I would have expected a similar level of support with my issues, yes.

Many thanks again.

Taltos · 13-07-2016 06:09AM

Mod Note
OP I've merged your threads. There's no need to start more than one thread on a topic.

Cheers

Meauldsegosha · 13-07-2016 06:55AM

Username212016 wrote: »

Coincidentally, my grandpa fell and broke his hip two weeks ago (when it rains, it pours).

Username212016 wrote: »

...my father broke his hip and might not resist a complicate surgery. So now we are both facing the death of a parent (plus my job issues). Needless to say I'm at my wits end.

Was it your father or grandfather who broke his hip?

Meauldsegosha · 13-07-2016 07:06AM

Username212016 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, Bag of Chips, I appreciate it.

I wanted to write this post without the jealousy side, because after the way things progressed and after having some serious conversations with him, that became a minor aspect of the relationship (though not something to be ignored).

I guess I haven't meant his good side. He is one of the most intelligent man i met in a long time, and we have remarkably similar views in life and similar quirks too, which makes for a very unique and special relationship. We also have a lot of chemistry and many similar views in terms of future/travelling etc.

But now things seem to have changed, and I discovered this new side of his, the distant communicator...

I'm not sure if it's a blessing, having someone that is so controlled with their emotions, or a total deal-break, as I love giving and receiving love and support.

I don't think you can separate the issues. This new side of him you see stems from the previous issue. He didn't like you questioning his actions and tried to deflect the blame back on you. Now he has decided to shut down emotionally. Another poster said he seems immature and I would agree with. I can't see any benefits for you in this relationship.

Lady is a tramp · 13-07-2016 07:11AM

OP it sounds like he's got you right where he wants you. He knows that he's got the upper hand because realistically - if you do decide you want children - you'd need to get moving on it soon. He is aware you've invested so much in terms of your emotions and your time in this relationship that you're unlikely to want to leave him - and therefore he's really pushing the boundaries with his behaviour. After all if you're willing to accept it this early in the relationship, you can hardly turn around in a few months/years and tell him that it's not OK.

Personally I think you'd be crazy to waste any more time or energy on him.

Username212016 · 13-07-2016 12:03PM

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Was it your father or grandfather who broke his hip?

It was my grandfather who raised me since I was a baby, and I'd rather not going into details and explanations about what happened to my biological father.

I was hoping for a bit of Internet privacy here since I already gave many personal details on a public forum.

Well done spotting the incongruence in such a long and heavy post about my biological-grandfather and in-law father being about to die. Hope this clarification helps.

Glitter · 13-07-2016 01:35PM

This is way too much stress and drama for a 6/7 month old relationship.

Yes, life events happen and we can't control the timing of those events, but at only 6 months into a relationship I would more expect that the relationship be put on pause while the respective partners deal with their crises than this level of intensity.
I also accept that relationships tend to move faster as we age sometimes.
But this is too much.

At 37 you're still so young. So. Young. But I get the impression from a few of your posts that you think you're ancient and will be an old maid if you don't make this one work. You're not and you won't. Extricate yourself from this toxic situation and find someone who will take things a bit slower and be a steady and dependable partner in times of crisis.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-07-2016 01:50PM

Glitter wrote: »

a steady and dependable partner in times of crisis.

That's exactly the line you need to think about, OP. Being similar, and having the same quirks, and having loads in common is great. Most of us would have friendships with people that fit that description. What is extra in a relationship, is obviously attraction and being a steady and dependable partner in times of crisis. You have rightly pointed out, that you are being that for him. But he doesn't not seem to have the same capability for you.

That might be ok. I suppose in a lot of relationships there will be one person who holds everyone and everything together. In your relationship, that would seem to be you. Again, that's ok. But! You should be able to feel that in times of crisis you will be a support to each other. You might still be the one holding it all together, but you can only do that if you feel supported and appreciated by your partner (the person who is suppose to partner you in life!)

You're not convinced you can fully depend on him. Slightest wobble seems to send him running. So think long and hard about what sort of future you want (a family? Support in dealing with your own troubles at times?) and whether or not you are likely to have that together. If you think about it, and accept him for who he is and what his emotional capabilities are, then great! But you have to accept it, and not be wishing he was different! If you think you can't accept it, then you know what you need to do. He's 52. He has been this person for a very long time. It's unlikely he'll dramatically change.

LegacyUser · 24-10-2016 09:49PM

Dear all,

You might be wondering why I am coming back to such and old post.

First and foremost, because I wanted to thank each one of you and your words of support and advise with all my heart. You could see much further than I could.

Also would like to give a quick update so that if anyone else ever finds themselves in my situation, they can be less stupid than I was. And vent a tad bit too if that’s ok 

As many of you warned me, the mother’s condition meant the bf was away in another country for over 5 months. We barely saw each other during this time. His promises of neverending love slowly turned into him feeling annoyed about any interaction longer than a 15min phone call.

For 5 months, there was not timeline – “I’ll be back next week”, “surely in two weeks time” etc. Who knows? All I could do is put my life in stand-by and sit and wait.

I never took my holidays (among a number of other things that were destroyed in my life while “waiting”). It was all about the mothers health and I was the last priority, after the family, the workload, the cat. He is still abroad, don’t think necessarily doing the dirt, but one thing you all spotted was confirmed:

<b>It’s very hard to trick and old dog new tricks. Literally. </b>

Slowly he realised a relationship, contrary to casual arrangements, meant compromise, dedicating time and company to someone else – even when sometimes we are tired and sad ourselves.

The mother is better now and the person is free to come back to Dublin, if he so wishes. Let’s watch their behaviour. I’d put money he’ll find a way to wiggle out of the situation, out of the promises and go back to Australia. And will even find a way of forcing an argument or putting the blame on me somehow. It's really sad.

This person – who now I know, not only haven’t had a real relationship in 20 years (he’s 50), also doesn’t have any friends. Sure, fb friends, or “hi I’ll be in town, let’s catch up” friends. Not a single friend.

No concept of symbiosis, of the beauty of a friendship or relationship in which two people walk together, one hands scratch the other, and people are happy in doing so because they care for the other’s happiness.

After 50 years in isolation, he got to the conclusion that giving emotional support meant “propping someone one up and a loss of his limited resources - eg time”. I never heard anything so cold and odd before.

This person said, “they don’t need anything from anyone and don’t need anyone in their lives, so what would they bother having people around that would demand things from them?”

I even probed and asked, “so you don’t believe in charity? You think people who need support from charity should just ‘get their s*hite together and work” and they would have a successful life like you? He said yes.

Interestingly enough, I found over 20 dating profiles (desactivated) where he pretty much begged for companionship for years. Years. I am actually more shocked and confused with the coldness and emotionless conclusions this person has shown than the actual deterioration of the relationship.

It’s not even a case of commitment-phobic or man-child, it’s almost like there is really no emotions inside him, and for someone who is so remarkably intelligent like he is (for technical subjects), I baffles me how he could have promised babies and rings (I declined) without thinking through what that would involve.

I know we are not supposed to discuss medical stuff here but I can only explain this bizarre situation to myself as some sorts of personality disorders. It’s the only explanation that comes to my mind. The person doesn’t seem evil. Don’t think the person means bad. Don’t think the person is doing the dirt. He is just…. Dead. Oblivious. Robotic.

So that’s that.

<b>Ladies, if something looks too good, watch for the catch. Sometimes having no baggage is the biggest baggage in itself. <b>

Thank you for all those who warned me of every single step I went through. It’s easy to see in hindsight, but not when we are so involved.

I’ll go back to lick my wounds and try to get back on my feet again.

Lots of love.

Would you be ok with this?

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