Would you be ok with this?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 6 months. I'm on my 30's, he's on his 50's. We met while working abroad (Australia). He says he is very committed. We both had our fun times in the past, and I thought we were on this for good.

Since he came to Ireland, I have encouraged him to visit his parents regularly in the UK, as they are elderly, not so healthy and they miss him a lot.

The first time he went there (after being abroad for a long time), he said he also wanted to visit his best friend, which happens to be his ex. I tried to be open minded about this and thought she was probably an important person in his life.
He spent a week sleeping at her house and traveling with her and her little daughter for birthday celebrations and fun fairs. Suffice to say I regret trying to be so nice. Nothing has happened (that I know of), but it hurts me that he was playing happy family with them when I don't even know how things will pan out for us.

Now he went to the UK again, we went together this time, and out of the blue his mother became very ill. I was as supportive as I could (kept her company in the ambulance, didn't sleep for 48h helping the family in hospitals etc) and was willing to stay longer to help him and the family. He eventually convinced me it would be wiser for me to come back to Dublin, since I work in a very demanding job - which I thought it was sweet... kind of.

Now fast-forward 5 days and he tells me he is staying with another single female friend overnight on Saturday and Sunday. I don't even know who this person is. I had offered to go to the UK this weekend, i had offered to pay for accommodation so we could be together and visit his mother in hospital. Yet he went to another random woman's place to spend the weekend there and have dinner and breakfast etc with her. If his sole intention was to save 50 quid in accommodation (which i had offered to pay for in the first place!), I'm not impressed.

I'm so not the jealous type at all but I feel like he is making a fool of me. I'm trying to play it cool as the priority now is his mother, of course. But considering we are both at that point of making big decisions about marriage and family, I feel very disrespected to say the least.

Am I overreacting? Or is it ok that my bf feels like it's grand to sleep over at random female friend's house as it suits?

Thanks for your insight.

leggo

The stuff with the ex's kid is a lot, because that's a completely different and more intense dynamic that the ex shouldn't be bringing into play (why is she having her kid continue to build a relationship with her ex?!?)

I think you're right to feel how you feel and should bring it up now. You can't get walked all over just because his mother is sick. Don't go psycho at him, but mention that it bothers you and you'd prefer if he didn't and see how that goes.

Also keep in mind that, if he was cheating, you probably wouldn't know about it. So there's that. But still, I and a lot of other people would be weird with that stuff and you're not wrong to feel how you feel.

LegacyUser

Personally, I wouldn't be ok with that. You can't expect a partner to pass their ex in the street, but you can expect them not to go on holidays with them. At best, it's unfair to put your trust to the test for no good reason, but really it shows disregard for your feelings and at worst it may be that he cheated and you might be just an option.

I understand that you don't want to tackle things while his mother is ill, but he's showing no such regard for her illness by carrying on that way while she is, even taking advantage of it to see a single female friend. so I don't think you need worry about the timing, tackle it before it becomes more of a problem.

intheclouds

You either trust him or you dont.

Do you mind him having female friends? Or is it just the fact that he is visiting with them?

Augme

These situations are fairly common and you'll get opinions on both sides of the fence. As someone who's good friends with a few ex's I'm on one side. At the end of the day if you're not comfortable with it then you're best of breaking up. If you raised these issues with me I'd finish it anyway.

As intheclouds said, you either trust him or you don't. If you don't, end it.

leggo wrote: »

The stuff with the ex's kid is a lot, because that's a completely different and more intense dynamic that the ex shouldn't be bringing into play (why is she having her kid continue to build a relationship with her ex?!?)

I think you're right to feel how you feel and should bring it up now. You can't get walked all over just because his mother is sick. Don't go psycho at him, but mention that it bothers you and you'd prefer if he didn't and see how that goes.

Also keep in mind that, if he was cheating, you probably wouldn't know about it. So there's that. But still, I and a lot of other people would be weird with that stuff and you're not wrong to feel how you feel.

They're best friends, who happen to be an ex. I think most people would consider it quite normal for their best friend to have a relationship with their child.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies, I appreciate it.

I agree that it is not fair for this child to have this unusual dynamic going on. And it is a very good point that his mother being ill is not an excuse for him to be less respectful towards me/us.

Answering the questions below, I understand that one either trust someone or doesn't. In fact, for all I know, if someone is going to cheat, they will find a way. This is not what my post was about.

It's about what role I play in his life, and what our relationship represents to him.

I obviously have no problem with him having female friends or visiting them. What I have a problem with is :

- At a time when we are both deciding on whether to get engaged and have kids -needless to say, a sensitive time in any relationship, especially when I'm over 35 and he is over 50- he went travelling for a week with the ex and her daughter, playing happy family in amusement parks, sleeping in the same hotel etc. And that was 2 months after he moved in.

- At a time when I would think he would like to have my support (his mother being ill), he cuts me off and spends Saturday and Sunday night sleeping at another random friend's house (single, female) without even discussing anything in advance with me.

- When his mother got suddenly ill, I was the one who made personal and professional sacrifices to support the family. And now he goes for out for dinners and breakfasts and looks for solace in the company of this other person, when my weekend in the UK was a series of extremely stressful events and one hospital after another.

- I have witnessed situations when women clearly flirt with him and he doesn't set a boundary. He says he doesn't realises it. Well, either he is very naive or he likes the extra attention / ego stroke, whichever it is makes me wonder what happens when I'm not around.

All that said, he is a lovely person altogether. But I'm at a point in my life when I'm not interested in games.

intheclouds wrote: »

You either trust him or you dont.

Do you mind him having female friends? Or is it just the fact that he is visiting with them?

Username212016

[font=Arial, sans-serif]OP here, thanks for the replies, I appreciate it.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]I agree that it is not fair for this child to have this unusual dynamic going on. And it is a very good point that his mother being ill is not an excuse for him to be less respectful towards me/us.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]Answering the questions below, I understand that one either trust someone or doesn't. In fact, for all I know, if someone is going to cheat, they will find a way. This is not what my post was about.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]It's about what role I play in his life, and what our relationship represents to him.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]I obviously have no problem with him having female friends or visiting them. What I have a problem with is :[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- At a time when we are both deciding on whether to get engaged and have kids or not -needless to say, a sensitive time in any relationship, especially when I'm over 35 and he is over 50- he went travelling for a week with the ex and her daughter, playing happy family in amusement parks, sleeping in the same hotel etc. And that was 2 months after he moved in with me.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif](He hasn t been in contact with his ex for years and he s only seen her child 3 times in her life (10yo), so it s not like they had a bound or anything). [/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- At a time when I would think he would like to have my support (his mother being ill), he cuts me off and spends Saturday and Sunday night sleeping at another random friend's house (single, female) without even discussing anything in advance with me.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif](this person is not a long time friend, it is someone he met "casually but is just a friend", and someone he also doesn't keep in touch with) [/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- When his mother got suddenly ill, I was the one who made personal and professional sacrifices to support the family. And now he goes for out for dinners and breakfasts and looks for solace in the company of this other person, when my weekend in the UK was a series of extremely stressful events and one hospital after another.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- I have witnessed situations when women clearly flirt with him and he doesn't set a boundary. He says he doesn't realises it. Well, either he is very naive or he likes the extra attention / ego stroke, whichever it is makes me wonder what happens when I'm not around.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]All that said, he is a lovely person altogether. But I'm at a point in my life when I'm not interested in games.[/font]

dudara

OP - just a gentle reminder that you only need to post a response once. It will then go into a "pending" queue, until it is approved by a mod. This can take some time, depending on workload.

seenitall

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- I have witnessed situations when women clearly flirt with him and he doesn't set a boundary. He says he doesn't realises it. Well, either he is very naive or he likes the extra attention / ego stroke, whichever it is makes me wonder what happens when I'm not around.[/font]

hi op,

As the song goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no (sounds better when you sing it!)

This is not the guy you will have a happily ever after with.

Since I read your first post, I got a feeling that something like the above was coming down the line - and you indeed delivered

What can I say? If you were not in it as deep as you are , you would be able to see for yourself that there is no happiness to be found in this relationship for you. I am sure he is very charming and lovely, but he also needs the ego boost and validation of other women's attention and care. You will never be enough op, and , seeing as he is over 50, probably no one ever will.

It's no reflection on you. Just the way he is, I know the type.

End it now, or face future heartbreak. Does it really matter if he cheats or not on all those cosy sleepovers, when you will forever feel like a mere option for him, like you are putting in to the relationship more than you are getting, like you have to be looking over your shoulder for the next female friend who comes along?

Don't wanna play games, don't pick a player.

m'lady

I would be very hurt and angry over this and would not accept it. You have tried to support him and he has excluded you at a time where, in your words should have wanted (even needed?) your support.
It sounds to me like he isn't in this relationship for the 'long haul' and I would cut him loose- he hasn't realised how much he's hurt you and possibly never will.

intheclouds

Did he not discuss the weeks travel with the ex and her child with you before he went? If he did, did you express that you wouldnt be happy about it? Did you express to him after he came back that you werent happy about it?

About his mother being ill - this is an odd one, maybe it was just easier to go to a friends than have you travel? Again, what was said when and if you discussed it with him?

How is your communication generally - just on the two examples above it sounds like its not good?

Username212016

Thanks for the replies so far, it really helps to get some perspective.

Intheclouds, the visit to the ex and her child had been proposed as a 2 days visit (previously agreed) which then turned into a week. At the time he was just back to Europe after a long time in Australia, so he didn't even have a phone to let me know and I assumed he was with his parents.

I had no idea he was staying with this "casual Acquaintance" in the UK until he was there already. Since he has no shortage of money, I had assumed he would be staying at a hotel.

We do communicate fine, and I was putting this one down to the fact that his mother is seriously ill. It's more an issue of what is acceptable for each person. I'm trying to figure out how much more I should accept before I call it a day.

squonk

My gut reaction really is to kick this relationship to touch. There are two sides to the story and you could argue back and forth til the cows come home but, at the end of the day, this isn't making you very happy OP and, whether the's cheating or not cheating, he just needs that attention. He's in his 50's so that's not something that'll change now. You can't really live with that so there isn't much of a choice that I can see.

intheclouds

Username212016 wrote: »

We do communicate fine, and I was putting this one down to the fact that his mother is seriously ill. It's more an issue of what is acceptable for each person. I'm trying to figure out how much more I should accept before I call it a day.

Im so sorry, but I really think you dont.

Did you tell him afterwards that you were not happy that he had turned a 2 day visit into a week without discussing it with you?

Its baffling to me that (even without a phone) your life partner can think its acceptable to disappear and not let you know where he is for a week - there is email and social media!!

Username212016

Intheclouds, these are the two instances where our communication obviously broke down, hence I'm writing this post. This is not to say communication as a whole in the relationship doesn't work.

Yes, I did tell him afterwards.
Yes, eventually he was able to connect to the Internet and let me know changes in plan (not after an entire week had passed)

My question thought is the same - are these hiccups that happen in any relationship or is he taking the p*ss.

Thank you very much to those who shared your opinions and insights, I'm hinking very carefully about each one of them.

Big Bag of Chips

Username212016 wrote: »

We do communicate fine......I'm trying to figure out how much more I should accept before I call it a day.

I don't believe you do. I think too he might have these plans already thought out, maybe even already arranged with the other people, but he doesn't tell you until you are out of the way, and unlikely/unable to object. He sounds quite immature for a man in his 50s. Almost like a teenager getting all the plans in place before asking their parents if they can go!

Does he have many male friends that he stays with? Meets up with? I generally wouldn't have a problem if my partner was meeting up with friends. I would have a problem if he was spending nights/weeks etc with other women and being a bit flimsy with the details.

I think he's taking you for a fool. Probably unintentionally, and probably would be shocked to find out it's causing you a problem, but in my eyes that just shows a level of immaturity in him. If he was open about things before the event, fair enough, and it gives you a chance to discuss it. (He has a right to make whatever plans he wishes, but as a committed partner you equally have a right to not be entirely happy about it. He then also has the right to go ahead regardless. And you in turn have the right to say it's not for you!) But he is deliberately holding things back from you until it's too late.

I wouldn't be interested in all that messing around and games, not past the age of 22 anyway!

Edit: On the point of how much more you "should accept". Every relationship has compromises. There obviously has to be compromise for 2 people to live together and continue a relationship with each other. No two people are always going to want exactly the same things at exactly the same time. You just need to discover if both of you are compromising and "accepting" the other's behaviour, or if only one of you are.

Magicmatilda

What do you want from this relationship?

Do you want marriage and children? Does he? Have you discussed it?

I would question if he is in his 50's and he wants these things then why hasn't he already prioritised them, there may of course be a reasonable answer but I think it is a valid question.

Do you want a partnership? This does not sound like a partnership, he didn't tell you about staying with the friend, or the weeks holiday. Regardless of whether these friends were male or female, the fact that he doesn't feel it necessary or reasonable to keep you informed of where he is and what he is doing would suggest he does not see this as a partnership. I don't mean constant contact but to not even consider telling you he was travelling around with a friend for a week rather than a few days, kind of indicates the position he considers you hold in his life. If you were partners, you would be kept in the loop.

Sorry but there is not excuse for not being in contact, there are landlines, emails, social media. You are living together 6 months but he doesn't have a mobile phone he could contact you from? That's very odd.

I think if you are honest with yourself you will realise that you want different things.

Emme

OP, if you are serious about having a family and children then you should be dating someone who is equally serious about this. Your boyfriend isn't.

You can talk to him and tell him you're not happy with the way things are but I doubt if he'll be willing to change. He has been very disrespectful to you.

There is also the issue of his parents' health. If his mother's health continues to deteriorate he may not want to commit to anything else. You seem to be more concerned about their health than him.

I get the feeling you're staying with this man because you want to have children and you feel that time is running out. If he's neglecting you he would definitely neglect a child if you had one together. Would you like a child to go through what you're going through now?

Your boyfriend is behaving more like a man in his 20s than in his 50s. My advice to you is call it a day.

intheclouds

What was his response when you told him you werent happy about the week off playing happy families?

Fundamentally it comes down to you and he feeling very differently about certain things.

He thinks its ok to flit off and not share his plans with you (pre arranged or not).

The plans themselves seem to be an issue too, you are not happy with him playing happy families with another woman and her child and also staying over with a single woman.

Id be thinking that he seems quite selfish to be doing this kind of thing at his age tbh.

lazygal

To answer your question, I wouldn't be ok with any of this.

jopax

Hi op,
I just wanted to say you sound like a genuine and honest person, and you seem very understanding while others wouldn't.
I think you have reasons to question your feelings on this. Your feelings are telling you things and trying to watch out for you.
If I was in your shoes I think I would stay cool while his mum is not well.
When he does return home, I would sit down and have a straight chat about all that happened and explain your concerns and how it made you feel.
I think after that you will get your answer as to whether he is the one for you.
You are still young at 35, but if you want children don't waste these precious years you have to find a partner who would be delighted to find someone as good as you. These men are out there, you just need a bit of luck to find them.
Anyway I just wanted to wish you well for your future no matter who your with.
Be true to your dreams and you'll be happy.
Best wishes

makingmecrazy

I can't be the only one who would find it very odd that my partner would spend an entire week with his ex(I know they are friends now but they were partners at one point, that tie cannot be overlooked)and her child. A WEEK???
That's an incredibly long hello for friends. When I have ever reconnected with a friend who has been away, it has been a dinner or drinks as a catch up(they valued family time etc more and quite rightly so). I'm sorry, but your oh really enjoyed her company. A little too much for someone who is supposed to be in a relationship with you.

As for the random female friend with the Saturday and Sunday stay?
OP, you know alarm bells are ringing.
Any partner I have had, never stayed over (I know you think they had separate rooms etc, but I'm not buying it)with female friends. EVER. EVER.
Same as I wouldn't disrespect them by staying over with a male friend. Its just not on. And ime, there is almost always certainly more in it, be it unrequited love/ego boost/player mentality or simply just playing away from home.

It sounds like he is lining you up as another "friend" in the long run. He is telling you these things. Not hiding them. This is his life and his way of doing business. He is clearly letting you know the score.
He is saying loud and clear "This is me. This is what I do. Accept it"

This is not a long term thing imho OP.
Move on

silverbolt

Username212016 wrote: »

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- When his mother got suddenly ill, I was the one who made personal and professional sacrifices to support the family. And now he goes for out for dinners and breakfasts and looks for solace in the company of this other person, when my weekend in the UK was a series of extremely stressful events and one hospital after another.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- I have witnessed situations when women clearly flirt with him and he doesn't set a boundary. He says he doesn't realises it. Well, either he is very naive or he likes the extra attention / ego stroke, whichever it is makes me wonder what happens when I'm not around.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]All that said, he is a lovely person altogether. But I'm at a point in my life when I'm not interested in games.[/font]

Those three points.

The first one I feel is a valid concern - but not cos shes an ex but because he left you holding the bag so to speak. Were you doing all this while he was off having breakfast?

The second one - youd be surprised. Men can be remarkably dense with this kind of thing. I know from experience that we dont always see whats right in front of us and we miss that to others are blindingly obvious.

The third. Is e playing games or is he just being a bit dense? You know him better than we do OP.

timmy880

I'm not sure the communication is as good as you think it is. "we communicate fine" does not build any sort of confidence and the whole he was just back in Europe and had no phone thing? That's easily fixed for a man who has no shortage of money like you said. None of this adds up at all. I was with my ex for 3 years and was very close with her young son and there is no way I would consider going on holiday with them/spending time with them for a week and assume its just being friendly. It would be completely disrespectful to the person I'm with now. Like most boards relationship issues, you know him better than us. But a guy in his 50's who behaves this way doesn't seem overly interested in settling down and starting a family like you've said. If he really wanted that, I think it might have happened by now. Parts of this just don't add up. His mother being ill is obviously concerning for all involved but he is pushing you away so he can stay at another female friend's gaff? No thanks.

beks101

All these "single female" friends and the inappropriately long stays with them and flirting with any woman who looks his way at the age of 50+...

It's just a bit sad really OP. He'll never change. His "I'll do what I like' attitude is most likely what kept him away from commitment to any one woman up to this point and he's so long in the game that you're barking up the wrong tree at this stage.

Look at your actions versus his own. You will and have dropped everything for him; he's skipping off to play happy families with a string of exes without a second thought for you.

Don't waste any more time on him. You will regret it.

rainbowtrout

Username212016 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far, it really helps to get some perspective.

At the time he was just back to Europe after a long time in Australia, so he didn't even have a phone to let me know and I assumed he was with his parents.

Username212016 wrote: »

Yes, eventually he was able to connect to the Internet and let me know changes in plan (not after an entire week had passed)

Ah here. Is there not a single phone in the whole of the UK that he could have used to ring you????

I don't buy the 'I couldn't connect to the internet for a week. Why not borrow his ex's phone and ring from that, or from anywhere else for that matter, like his parent's house?

Any when he made such a big trip from Australia to Europe, why wouldn't he tell you he was travelling until he had arrived and set up shop with the ex for the week. I bet she was notified of his arrival.

Not buying it. Cheating or not, he's wasting your time.

Username212016

Thanks very much everyone for your insights and opinions, I truly appreciate it.

Food for thought.

His mother's health deteriorated quite a bit so as you guessed, there won't be much of a moment to have a in depth conversation.

I reiterated that the unannounced weeked at a stranger's gaff was not my exactly nice, but his reply was "I am yours and totally committed to you, not my fault if you don't want to believe it." (in fairness this conversation took place between medical examinations and his mother is in intensive care at risk of passing away at any moment, so I have to cut the guy some slack)

Based on what you guys kindly shared, it points out more to an ego stroke sort of thing and if that's the case, I've been there, have the book and cd, and it won't be fun

Thanks so much once again to everyone, and especially those that offered their thoughts but didn't judge me.

And answering one question, no, I'm not waiting on him to commit, I'm also not 100% sure I want to have kids. But you are right that if I decide yes, he probably won't be the right choice based on the silly flirty immature games.

Username212016

This was such a lovely post and I read it I such a dark sad moment.

Thank you so much for your kindness ope the mind and empathy.

Big hugs! X

jopax wrote: »

Hi op,
I just wanted to say you sound like a genuine and honest person, and you seem very understanding while others wouldn't.
I think you have reasons to question your feelings on this. Your feelings are telling you things and trying to watch out for you.
If I was in your shoes I think I would stay cool while his mum is not well.
When he does return home, I would sit down and have a straight chat about all that happened and explain your concerns and how it made you feel.
I think after that you will get your answer as to whether he is the one for you.
You are still young at 35, but if you want children don't waste these precious years you have to find a partner who would be delighted to find someone as good as you. These men are out there, you just need a bit of luck to find them.
Anyway I just wanted to wish you well for your future no matter who your with.
Be true to your dreams and you'll be happy.
Best wishes

Sunflower 27

Hi OP,

Your posts are upsetting. You want so much more than this man is offering.

If my partner went AWOL for days on end, we'd be over. That is just so inconsiderate and hurtful. It sounds like he has very little respect for you or your feelings.

It's tough ending a relationship when we have invested so much and have hopes and dreams, but it sounds as this will never give you real contentment. You deserve so much more. At 35, my advice would be let him go and raise the bar for yourself. He sounds like a child.

intheclouds

Not his fault if you don't want to believe he is committed? Nice deflection. How about he takes responsibility for his actions showing that he is not committed?

uck51js9zml2yt

Op if you're saying " he may not be the right choice" as I think you're right in saying, then it's time to walk away now rather than wait for that indepth chat.

Your time, energy and emotions are better spent elsewhere.

m'lady

I agree with intheclouds, the comment of it not being his fault that you won't believe him is a complete and utter deflection. Op you don't deserve this treatment at all, he's been a thoughtless, inconsiderate p***k that doesn't even realise it- do you want to start a family with someone like that?

Big Bag of Chips

Anyone could tell you they're committed to you and you're a priority for them. The words are the easy bit. It's making you believe it that proves it. He's childish, immature and selfish. He thinks only of himself, his needs and his wants. You are an afterthought for him. In some cases he even deliberately gets you out of the way so that he can go off and get his ego stroked. He had arranged that weekend that he sent you home. He sent you home to go back to work. "Out of concern for you." How convenient that before you've even made your way home he's already happened to meet up with an old friend, had arranged to stay a couple of nights and go out together for the couple of days all while he's supposed to be terribly worried about his sick mother and running around to appointments and hospitals etc.

He sounds like the sad "auld fella" in the pub that flirts with all the 20 something year olds, and thinks he's in with a chance. Most people just think he's sad. I don't know about you, but I certainly wouldn't like to be his partner and be getting all the pitying looks from people while he flirts with anyone that makes eye contact and heads off for weekends and weeks away with other women.

Everything with him is an ego boost. Dare I say being in a relationship with someone 20 years younger is just another example of this.

Username212016

Thank you so much for all your replies, you helped me so much to get some perspective.

So we spoke about the incident with the girl and he said he didn't think anything of it, he was down because of his mother condition, last thing in his mind was sex and that's that. And that he was upset that at a difficult time such as this with his mother seriously ill, I'd be the jealous type.

So fast forward to today, it's been 3 weeks now that his mother is in coma in the hospital and a month he is in the UK. He needs to be around to take care of his elderly father though he has a brother that helps sometimes.

I'm going through hell at work and I'm sitting here on my own, at 37, without knowing what will happen. His mother may die, she may come back home with some disability or she may recover. Could be 1, 6 or 12 months. He says he would get a carer for the long term.

Coincidentally, my grandpa fell and broke his hip two weeks ago (when it rains, it pours).

I speak for 20min max on the phone with my bj per day and mostly about his mother. Sometimes about my job. I don't even talk about my family.

I feel completely abandoned and he says he is too depressed to "prop me up".

And yet I'm the one propping him up.
I don't know what my question is.

My life came to a halt.

uck51js9zml2yt

It really is time to take back control of your life and move on.
You're going to waste your life otherwise con a guy whose more concerned with himself that with you and that won't change.

Big Bag of Chips

Did you mention sex or did he?! The excuse of "he didn't even think of it" is a bit of a weak one. Maybe going off, staying with friends, going out for breakfast and dinner etc and not "thinking about" your partner might be ok when you don't have a partner. When you do have a partner you need to start thinking about things that may affect them.

Nobody is saying he needs to ring you up every time and ask permission, but he is being selfish. His needs come before everyone else's. Well, yours. Yes, his mother is sick, and yes it's a stressful time for him, but he seems to be able to make time for meeting up with others. His parents are elderly. Unfortunately their health is only going in one direction.

Some people may call you selfish for thinking like this at a time when he's under pressure.... But.... What if he spends the next 10/15 years under pressure. How much do you hang back in the background to give him the space to deal with all his stuff? And when do you get time to be appreciated and Ioved?

You're 37. 37. Not 67 or 77. You have potentially 50 more good years of living. Think about how you'd like to feel and be made feel for those years, and then think about how you can get that. 37 is so young!!!!!

Username212016

Dear all, I would love to hear your point of view and insights.

Met bf 6 months ago in Australia, I'm 37, he's 52, we really connected and decided to invest in a serious relationship. He's originally from the UK, was living in Australia for +10years and relocated to Dublin (he works remotely).

We discussed marriage and kids and he was quite keen on both, even suggested "let's go buy the ring first thing tomorrow and get engaged". He was very smitten. I suggested we waited 6 months to get to know each other better. In the meantime, we had a few arguments, once honeymoon period was over, like any other couple.

Fast-foward to 6 months down the line, his mother became terribly ill (brain surgery) while we visited her in the UK. I literally held her dying in my arms till the ambulance arrived, while she had a convulsion. it was one of the most traumatic experiences in my life. I supported her and the family and did all I could. Then I had to return to Dublin due to my job.

It's been 1 month apart now, his mother is still very seriously ill (brain surgery), barely responds to signs, etc. Docs say recovery may take more than 6 months, and it's a bumpy road. He sees her once or twice a week and in the meantime cooks/watches over his elderly father.

I have been trying to be as supportive as possible during this month, spending hours researching medical stuff, calling hospitals, and talking to him.

At the same time, I had a major issue at my workplace (very serious politics/laying ppl off) and my father broke his hip and might not resist a complicate surgery. So now we are both facing the death of a parent (plus my job issues). Needless to say I'm at my wits end.

His approach to the whole situation is very pragmatic and cold, and is not keen on sharing emotions or receiving emotion support. I understand it's his way of dealing with the situation. On my side, I think supporting each other emotionally, especially at a time like this, is one of the most important things in a relationship. He says he doesn't have the strength to cheer me up, and that I don't need to bother cheering him up either.

My entire life is in stand-by as he doesn't have a plan in place to have someone caring for the parents, despite him being quite well-off and having decided he won't be their main carer. Docs say recovery may take 6 months or more. I had no idea if or when we will be able to see each other, or if or when he will return to our place.

The timing is terrible but I had to ask if he was still as committed as before to us, and he said had some doubts (both about us, marriage and kids). He starting having doubts after the arguments we had (nothing major, but it has been a long time since he was in a relationship)

My problem is two-fold:

1. I'm worried that this situation is really showing that we deal with and expect different types and levels of emotional support from each other, and if in the future we are faced with another challenge (ie parenthood), he would go to his man cave and I'd have no support.

2. If he's not sure anymore, I don't see the point of waiting 6 months apart on a LDR at 37 just for him to say, "meh, changed my mind, see ya".

Of course this has to be discussed further, but it's tricky given the situation. I see the days go by while I'm alone and my life is in stand-by but can't approach the topic further.

Am I being selfish, wanting to define this now (ie whether he sees a future for us), before I get more involved with him and waste more time?
One one side, I want to respect his mother, on the other side, it's my life going nowhere at 37...

Many thanks for your opinions and sorry such a long post!

Big Bag of Chips

Are your problems not 3 fold? Or have you accepted that he's "just good friends" with these other women?

I don't know, OP. From what you have posted about him in this and your last thread, he doesn't seem like the settling down type. If he's having doubts at this stage, and his enthusiasm has wained significantly then what are the prospects for a long term future? Your lives are only going to become more stressful as you both have elderly parents who will need help, and inevitable bereavements.

If he runs at the first sign of trouble, and says he's having doubts, how likely is he to stand by you in tougher times? What if you don't get pregnant immediately, and have difficulty? What if you do get pregnant immediately, and again he says he "has doubts"?

He managed to make it to 52 years of age without really committing to anyone. Maybe he's just not the settling down kind?

Username212016

Thanks for your reply, Bag of Chips, I appreciate it.

I wanted to write this post without the jealousy side, because after the way things progressed and after having some serious conversations with him, that became a minor aspect of the relationship (though not something to be ignored).

I guess I haven't meant his good side. He is one of the most intelligent man i met in a long time, and we have remarkably similar views in life and similar quirks too, which makes for a very unique and special relationship. We also have a lot of chemistry and many similar views in terms of future/travelling etc.

But now things seem to have changed, and I discovered this new side of his, the distant communicator...

I'm not sure if it's a blessing, having someone that is so controlled with their emotions, or a total deal-break, as I love giving and receiving love and support.

December2012

Why are you doing mescal research? Did he ask you to do that?

You are placing a lot of weight on what you did for his mother as if he should be doing the same for you. How is hip surgery the same risk as having a stroke?

I think it's unfair to be placing demands and asking about your relationship while he has so much on his plate

Faith

Username212016 wrote: »

Dear all, I would love to hear your point of view and insights.

Met bf 6 months ago in Australia, I'm 37, he's 52, we really connected and decided to invest in a serious relationship.

We discussed marriage and kids and he was quite keen on both, even suggested "let's go buy the ring first thing tomorrow and get engaged". He was very smitten. I suggested we waited 6 months to get to know each other better. In the meantime, we had a few arguments, once honeymoon period was over, like any other couple.

I'm so confused. You've been together for 6 months - is that correct? You immediately began discussing marriage, but you suggested waiting 6 months to talk more about it? And it's only been 6 months to date, and you already think the honeymoon period is over??

The timing is terrible but I had to ask if he was still as committed as before to us, and he said had some doubts (both about us, marriage and kids). He starting having doubts after the arguments we had (nothing major, but it has been a long time since he was in a relationship)

Good god, OP, what are you getting from this relationship? You have started two threads here about him - is that not a sign to you that things aren't right? It's not supposed to be this hard.

You're missing the wood for the trees here.

1. Alarm bells should have been ringing at the mere mention of marriage after you'd only known each other a few weeks
2. "Honeymoon periods" should last a lot longer than a couple of months
3. You have had to start 2 threads on here about this relationship
4. He's not giving you what you need or want, and is actually being quite clear that he has no intention of providing it in the future.

Ask yourself: Are you happy?

It sounds like this relationship is dead in the water, to me.

Ursus Horribilis

Ah, I recognised this straight away from your other thread. What I'm wondering is why you're asking the same question minus all the detail from the other thread about his playing happy families with his exes etc? It's disingenuous to be leaving out all that detail if someone who hasn't read your other thread reads this one. You can't just separate one issue from another.

Anyway, regardless of what way you want to tell this story, I can't see that there's much of a future in it. He seems to be emotionally absent and not too bothered. And besides, are you sure that having children with a man of his age is a good idea? He'll be getting his pension and his free bus pass when they're still in primary school.

Username212016

Thank you very much for your replies.

I created 2 threads one month apart because in the first one I was discussing a singular event, and the jealousy aspect of the relationship. One month later, my bf and I are both waiting for one of our parents to die, so things changed a bit and I’m considering a much broader aspect of the relationship. This is what this post is about.

Answering a few questions:

My father is in his late 80s and has severe cardiac disease, so we have been told chances are close to zero that he will make it. His mother did not have a stroke and is slowly recovering. I’m not trying to compare and see who has the biggest problem though.

I was reading up on the medical literature because I work in the medical area, and both of us found it comforting to learning more about what was happening to his mother. But it is true, I would have expected a similar level of support with my issues, yes.

Many thanks again.

Taltos

Mod Note
OP I've merged your threads. There's no need to start more than one thread on a topic.

Cheers

Meauldsegosha

Username212016 wrote: »

Coincidentally, my grandpa fell and broke his hip two weeks ago (when it rains, it pours).

Username212016 wrote: »

...my father broke his hip and might not resist a complicate surgery. So now we are both facing the death of a parent (plus my job issues). Needless to say I'm at my wits end.

Was it your father or grandfather who broke his hip?

Meauldsegosha

Username212016 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, Bag of Chips, I appreciate it.

I wanted to write this post without the jealousy side, because after the way things progressed and after having some serious conversations with him, that became a minor aspect of the relationship (though not something to be ignored).

I guess I haven't meant his good side. He is one of the most intelligent man i met in a long time, and we have remarkably similar views in life and similar quirks too, which makes for a very unique and special relationship. We also have a lot of chemistry and many similar views in terms of future/travelling etc.

But now things seem to have changed, and I discovered this new side of his, the distant communicator...

I'm not sure if it's a blessing, having someone that is so controlled with their emotions, or a total deal-break, as I love giving and receiving love and support.

I don't think you can separate the issues. This new side of him you see stems from the previous issue. He didn't like you questioning his actions and tried to deflect the blame back on you. Now he has decided to shut down emotionally. Another poster said he seems immature and I would agree with. I can't see any benefits for you in this relationship.

Lady is a tramp

OP it sounds like he's got you right where he wants you. He knows that he's got the upper hand because realistically - if you do decide you want children - you'd need to get moving on it soon. He is aware you've invested so much in terms of your emotions and your time in this relationship that you're unlikely to want to leave him - and therefore he's really pushing the boundaries with his behaviour. After all if you're willing to accept it this early in the relationship, you can hardly turn around in a few months/years and tell him that it's not OK.

Personally I think you'd be crazy to waste any more time or energy on him.

Username212016

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Was it your father or grandfather who broke his hip?

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Was it your father or grandfather who broke his hip?

It was my grandfather who raised me since I was a baby, and I'd rather not going into details and explanations about what happened to my biological father.

I was hoping for a bit of Internet privacy here since I already gave many personal details on a public forum.

Well done spotting the incongruence in such a long and heavy post about my biological-grandfather and in-law father being about to die. Hope this clarification helps.

Glitter

This is way too much stress and drama for a 6/7 month old relationship.

Yes, life events happen and we can't control the timing of those events, but at only 6 months into a relationship I would more expect that the relationship be put on pause while the respective partners deal with their crises than this level of intensity.
I also accept that relationships tend to move faster as we age sometimes.
But this is too much.

At 37 you're still so young. So. Young. But I get the impression from a few of your posts that you think you're ancient and will be an old maid if you don't make this one work. You're not and you won't. Extricate yourself from this toxic situation and find someone who will take things a bit slower and be a steady and dependable partner in times of crisis.

Big Bag of Chips

Glitter wrote: »

a steady and dependable partner in times of crisis.

That's exactly the line you need to think about, OP. Being similar, and having the same quirks, and having loads in common is great. Most of us would have friendships with people that fit that description. What is extra in a relationship, is obviously attraction and being a steady and dependable partner in times of crisis. You have rightly pointed out, that you are being that for him. But he doesn't not seem to have the same capability for you.

That might be ok. I suppose in a lot of relationships there will be one person who holds everyone and everything together. In your relationship, that would seem to be you. Again, that's ok. But! You should be able to feel that in times of crisis you will be a support to each other. You might still be the one holding it all together, but you can only do that if you feel supported and appreciated by your partner (the person who is suppose to partner you in life!)

You're not convinced you can fully depend on him. Slightest wobble seems to send him running. So think long and hard about what sort of future you want (a family? Support in dealing with your own troubles at times?) and whether or not you are likely to have that together. If you think about it, and accept him for who he is and what his emotional capabilities are, then great! But you have to accept it, and not be wishing he was different! If you think you can't accept it, then you know what you need to do. He's 52. He has been this person for a very long time. It's unlikely he'll dramatically change.

LegacyUser

Dear all,

You might be wondering why I am coming back to such and old post.

First and foremost, because I wanted to thank each one of you and your words of support and advise with all my heart. You could see much further than I could.

Also would like to give a quick update so that if anyone else ever finds themselves in my situation, they can be less stupid than I was. And vent a tad bit too if that’s ok 

As many of you warned me, the mother’s condition meant the bf was away in another country for over 5 months. We barely saw each other during this time. His promises of neverending love slowly turned into him feeling annoyed about any interaction longer than a 15min phone call.

For 5 months, there was not timeline – “I’ll be back next week”, “surely in two weeks time” etc. Who knows? All I could do is put my life in stand-by and sit and wait.

I never took my holidays (among a number of other things that were destroyed in my life while “waiting”). It was all about the mothers health and I was the last priority, after the family, the workload, the cat. He is still abroad, don’t think necessarily doing the dirt, but one thing you all spotted was confirmed:

<b>It’s very hard to trick and old dog new tricks. Literally. </b>

Slowly he realised a relationship, contrary to casual arrangements, meant compromise, dedicating time and company to someone else – even when sometimes we are tired and sad ourselves.

The mother is better now and the person is free to come back to Dublin, if he so wishes. Let’s watch their behaviour. I’d put money he’ll find a way to wiggle out of the situation, out of the promises and go back to Australia. And will even find a way of forcing an argument or putting the blame on me somehow. It's really sad.

This person – who now I know, not only haven’t had a real relationship in 20 years (he’s 50), also doesn’t have any friends. Sure, fb friends, or “hi I’ll be in town, let’s catch up” friends. Not a single friend.

No concept of symbiosis, of the beauty of a friendship or relationship in which two people walk together, one hands scratch the other, and people are happy in doing so because they care for the other’s happiness.

After 50 years in isolation, he got to the conclusion that giving emotional support meant “propping someone one up and a loss of his limited resources - eg time”. I never heard anything so cold and odd before.

This person said, “they don’t need anything from anyone and don’t need anyone in their lives, so what would they bother having people around that would demand things from them?”

I even probed and asked, “so you don’t believe in charity? You think people who need support from charity should just ‘get their s*hite together and work” and they would have a successful life like you? He said yes.

Interestingly enough, I found over 20 dating profiles (desactivated) where he pretty much begged for companionship for years. Years. I am actually more shocked and confused with the coldness and emotionless conclusions this person has shown than the actual deterioration of the relationship.

It’s not even a case of commitment-phobic or man-child, it’s almost like there is really no emotions inside him, and for someone who is so remarkably intelligent like he is (for technical subjects), I baffles me how he could have promised babies and rings (I declined) without thinking through what that would involve.

I know we are not supposed to discuss medical stuff here but I can only explain this bizarre situation to myself as some sorts of personality disorders. It’s the only explanation that comes to my mind. The person doesn’t seem evil. Don’t think the person means bad. Don’t think the person is doing the dirt. He is just…. Dead. Oblivious. Robotic.

So that’s that.

<b>Ladies, if something looks too good, watch for the catch. Sometimes having no baggage is the biggest baggage in itself. <b>

Thank you for all those who warned me of every single step I went through. It’s easy to see in hindsight, but not when we are so involved.

I’ll go back to lick my wounds and try to get back on my feet again.

Lots of love.